I made changes within my life which has been along time coming. I'm sure some people will never notice but that's okay because I really don't care anymore. It's so frustrating when you feel like you have to scream in a crowded room just to be seen and when you are seen, no one cares.
I will always be the loner and maybe that was my problem. Here I was trying so hard to fit in but in the end I was getting myself hurt. I'm not going to allow that anymore. Sometimes I felt like I had no hope to belong somewhere and each and every time I end up being the outsider anyway.
I will always be me and I will never compromise on who I am for anyone. This Bitch is back baby!!
March 11, 2013
March 6, 2013
When life goes crazy.... for real!
This past February had been one crazy month for me and my family. Earlier in the month I overdosed on Benedryl and a lot of it. In my crazy spun up mind I was so tired of hurting, so tired of all the crap going on in my mind. The hurt, the loss of trust, the loss of my personal being and I just wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to lay down and die. It was a very traumatic time for me. The week before my Pastor stepped down and then various situations piled onto it. Then here was Tuesday night, the kids were in bed, the Husband at a meeting and I was alone. I did what I could in the idea of what I needed at the time. I never felt so crushed, burnt and destroyed in my life. My heart didn't know how to handle all the million a mile thoughts whirling around in my mind. My head hurt and my heart hurt and the taunting, the told you so's, the blunt blow to my heart of all the thoughts pounding through me destroying me one at a time. I felt this was what killed me because I had nothing left to give. This was what smashed my life out and I felt like this was better to end then to keep living like I was being punished just because I existed.
When the medicine wasn't doing what I wanted it to do I texted my Husband. After that I came in and out of consciousness and I kind of remember some of what was going on. I remember waking up in the emergency room and them telling me they were admitting me under suicide watch. My Husband called 911 when he got home. The next morning I felt really defeated and apart of me was upset I didn't die. I didn't want to be brave and deal with my life. I felt like it was a struggle to just survive my life and I didn't want to keep doing it anymore. I talked to the Social Worker at the Hospital and I agreed to taking an Outpatient Program. So the following day I had my assessment and Friday the 8th I started my 15 day program.
I felt relief when I was diagnosed with PTSD and didn't need to take medication. The post traumatic stress disorder was triggered by situations stemming by my Pastor stepping down. I think that really gave me some hope and I decided to put the effort into my program.
I know my family didn't ask for this and I know it was hard on my kids because our schedule changed and it was hard juggling homework and it was a hard 3 weeks. I'm proud of myself for finishing the program. I start therapy in a month and I will join a group therapy in a few weeks too. I'm in a good place. It's been hard and I found my smile and hopefully over time I can heal this part that got trampled on during this hardship in my life.
I felt like I was thrown back into darkness and apart of me felt I deserved to be there, My downfall was quick and painful. I still remember the heaviness on my chest. I hope to never be there again. I hope what I learned from my training will help me in future situations.
I was in my darkest moment in my life and I hope someday I can look back and realize why I went there but until then I'll keep walking with one foot forward one at a time. Take care, Peace!!!!
When the medicine wasn't doing what I wanted it to do I texted my Husband. After that I came in and out of consciousness and I kind of remember some of what was going on. I remember waking up in the emergency room and them telling me they were admitting me under suicide watch. My Husband called 911 when he got home. The next morning I felt really defeated and apart of me was upset I didn't die. I didn't want to be brave and deal with my life. I felt like it was a struggle to just survive my life and I didn't want to keep doing it anymore. I talked to the Social Worker at the Hospital and I agreed to taking an Outpatient Program. So the following day I had my assessment and Friday the 8th I started my 15 day program.
I felt relief when I was diagnosed with PTSD and didn't need to take medication. The post traumatic stress disorder was triggered by situations stemming by my Pastor stepping down. I think that really gave me some hope and I decided to put the effort into my program.
I know my family didn't ask for this and I know it was hard on my kids because our schedule changed and it was hard juggling homework and it was a hard 3 weeks. I'm proud of myself for finishing the program. I start therapy in a month and I will join a group therapy in a few weeks too. I'm in a good place. It's been hard and I found my smile and hopefully over time I can heal this part that got trampled on during this hardship in my life.
I felt like I was thrown back into darkness and apart of me felt I deserved to be there, My downfall was quick and painful. I still remember the heaviness on my chest. I hope to never be there again. I hope what I learned from my training will help me in future situations.
I was in my darkest moment in my life and I hope someday I can look back and realize why I went there but until then I'll keep walking with one foot forward one at a time. Take care, Peace!!!!
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