The hard road!

What's my mission? It's exposing the horror of Human Trafficking here within the boundaries of the United States of America and what it looks like. It's not like the Movie Taken where girls are being grabbed off the streets. It's more intimate then that. It's more evil, more manipulative and more darker then people realize.

These girls are chosen into the business of the sex industry. No girl at the age of 13 chooses to be a prostitute, or a stripper. No girl at the age of 18 asks to be someone's bitch and to do sexual acts in some hotel room. They are chosen by pimps because they befriend these girls and gives them the idea of a dream that they desire. They feed into the life of the dream and these men know how to make these girls fall for it by being everything these girls need in a false hope these men provide them. They become the boyfriends, they become the person these girls need and the moment the line is crossed they have gotten them into doing what the men want by breaking them and these girls are never the same again. They are lured into the sex industry and some are lost to the business forever.

My job is to expose them, take them out of hiding so less girls are at risk to men like pimps, men who are buyers and men who think abusing girls is normal. The community needs to wake up because this is happening right now and a child is at risk to the horror of Human Trafficking and it's happening in our communities.

My job is to get more people aware so laws can be changed to protect this girls then have them be more victimized by the system then they already have been. This girls are not prostitutes but are prostituted children. Their is a difference and we should treat them as such because the moment we don't we have lost them to the system. We have lost their trust and we're making them into criminals and the criminals are the pimps and buyers not these girls.

My job is also finding funds to open safe houses for these girls so they can get back on their feet and get the support they need in a place of healing. The United States don't have many houses like this. That's a problem in my eyes. No girl needs to feel like no one cares about them. We need to love these girls and show them that their are healthy ways to live. They need to understand they have value and to do this they need houses away from the evil to get them back onto their feet. They are not victims but survivor's and they should have support .

I have a lot of jobs and with determination I will forge through and my hope is to save more children from the horror's of the sex industry. Sometimes I feel like I'm not making a dent but I have to remember this will take time and the more people I talk to about Sex Trafficking the more people will open up and then they will talk about it. We can end this child abuse to our children. It could be your child, your neighbor's kid and with knowledge we can save our kids from men who think they can use them for their sick games. I have hope! Take care, Peace!

As in At Peace!!

I've been thinking about Peace lately. What does that really mean? Sure I put it at the end of my posts and for me Peace means acceptance of one's self. Peace is commonly understood as the absence of hostility. So if you are hostile to your inner being you are not at Peace. If you love yourself and you are confident for the love of yourself you know who you are. You are not struggling to figure out what you believe or who you are as a person. You are who you are as a person and there is no question in your mind. So of course, you would have a strong understanding of your inner foundation that makes up your love which in sense is peace with no struggle and you have no burden.

When we struggle with ourselves we don't have love in our hearts and if we do we're in pain about it. You are searching for acceptance from people, from life but how can you receive acceptance from others if you can't do it for yourself first. If someone told you are beautiful but you don't believe you are beautiful then you're not going to believe them fully. If you believe you are beautiful and someone told you are beautiful you're going to believe them fully.

At one point in my life I didn't like myself all that much. I was in mass destruction within myself and I didn't know who I was. It was a lonely time for me. I felt like I was being torn in two different directions. I hope I will never have to go through that again. For one, I didn't know who I was as a person. I thought I knew but I didn't truly or I wouldn't have been in a position to hate myself. I now enjoy being by myself with my thoughts. It's not so dark in there. I slowly started to know who I was and what I wanted, what I loved, who I wanted to become and I worked on myself to release the burden within my heart. I worked on my forgiveness for the burden I was feeling and the acceptance of myself. It's a process and I'm not quite there but I'm on the road.

Once I feel like I'm in a place where the foundation is there I can share my peace with others and help others with compassion and understanding they too can feel at peace too. It's like in the beginning of a relationship. You want to know who the other person is to see if they are compatible with you so why can't you do that for yourself?

I know it's the hardest thing I had to do is forgive myself for my failures and my bad decisions and the people who have hurt me. It took along time to forgive myself. It also took me me a hard time to forgive others who have hurt me. In the process of learning what I wanted in life I realized when you hold a grudge toward others it doesn't hurt them. They are not hurting and they are not fixated on the pain which the burden is only on you. Let that go however you want too because it's really not worth it. You are not punishing them but yourself for allowing yourself to not forgive. I forgive you and I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to release the burden from my painful feelings, my angry feelings and the struggle which isn't allowing me to move forward.

So necessarily you don't have to forgive the person whom has hurt you in person for example: I couldn't get passed the pain and suffering my mother had on my heart for verbally abusing me when I was a kid. I wanted validation from her to move on and I never got it from her. Her denial of her part in my suffering only hurt me and I couldn't move on from that. I couldn't understand why she was in denial of my pain she caused me. It was like I wanted her to suffer as badly as I was feeling. So when I poured my heart out about my feelings to her on her abusing me and I didn't get what I wanted from her. It hurt me even more which broke my heart because she was my mother and I loved her. She was my mother and I didn't understand why she wasn't giving me compassion and the love I was needing from her. I was broken and I was searching for love from the wrong place. I needed to forgive and then in return find love within my own inner being to love oneself. 

When I was getting to know who I was as a person I learned I needed to validate my own feelings. I know I was abused and I know it hurt me so when I finally got it I forgave my mother. The pain in my heart was my own burden and allowing myself to keep hurting was my own suffering and not hers.

I didn't want to hurt anymore and over time I have released the burden I was carrying around within me. Having Peace is refreshing and it feels good. I like good which in turns gives me a better outlook on my life. So we all want peace. We all can have peace but we need to work towards Peace and we need to share our peace with others. So go out and enjoy your life and start the journey of forgiveness.... what ever that is for you. Take care, Peace!!!

Animals can be your friends too!!

I have had two pets in my life who were my silent supporters when I was emotionally in pain as a young kid. I would like to share their story. They are not living anymore and I miss my companions I call my gifts from heaven. The first was my families Cat we called Cleo. She was a beautiful cat who loved me no matter what. I shared my thoughts and dreams with this cat. I know this sounds so silly but it was comfort. When my mother would degrade me as a human being I knew I could curl up with our cat and feel love. It was the most simple love and she didn't talk back to me, tell me I was a terrible person, and tell me I was a loser. I felt safe to share my most inner thoughts and not have to worry because a cat can't talk and tell anyone my thoughts. It was a soft place for me to fall. Cleo died in my arms when I was 15 years old. She lived a long cat life and her gift is still my treasure. I needed her as much as she needed me to feed her and give her water. My second was our family dog Loki. She was a beautiful dog we adopted when she was a year old. I felt safe with her. At night she would sleep outside of my door and I felt protected. She was also another crying board I could share my most inner thoughts with. Sometimes when you're in so much pain the only real comfort is a animal who just loves you no matter what the world deals you. I don't know how many nights I would curl up with Loki and cry. She would let me know she understood by giving me a lick just to let me know she understood. For all I knew I just had something on my face but still, I felt comforted. I moved away before she died but the last time I saw her I let her know how much she meant to me. It's a beautiful thing to know sometimes life and gifts have come in the most ordinary ways. For all I know it was something I internally did in a way of survival from parents who emotionally and verbally abused me. I don't know but it helped me get through a lot of sleepless nights when I was a kid. Whatever the circumstances were surrounding my own way for comfort it came in the way of these two animals I love dearly. Thanks!!! Take care, Peace!!

Just one of those struggles!!!

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I have some serious blues and I can't figure out why until I was sitting on my couch this morning worrying about my weight. Man, sometimes I wish I didn't have an Eating Disorder and I can just have my thoughts without my thoughts tainted by destruction and self pity. The last time I went to the Doctor back in July she said I had to gain some weight and I was like Hell no. I will not gain weight on purpose. Okay, I maybe underweight to everyone else but to me I could lose more weight but you know I have a hard time with the word weight. When it comes up I just want to crawl in a hole and not have to think about it and hopefully if I don't acknowledge it maybe somehow it will just go away. I don't like dealing with things which are hard for me to handle but this morning I'm freaking out about my weight. I tried to eat some food this morning and something I enjoy eating but I couldn't put it in my mouth like it was diseased and the most grossest thing in the world. I tried some fruit but no I just couldn't touch the stuff. I haven't eaten anything today and I really don't feel like eating and that alarms me. I'm so frustrated with myself. I understand I should just eat something and what's the big deal but to me and anyone who has ever dealt with this disease knows that's the hardest thing to do is just go eat something. It's like the fear of heights. The anxiety level right now is through the roof as we speak. I want to be real about this and sometimes when I feel like this I want to go hide my head in shame and close myself off to the world. This is my shame, my pain and my dirty little secret but I know by just running away from it all isn't going to help me any or my family. I need to talk about it and just let my feeling fly free so it's out their and then I will have to be accountable to this disease. I feel like I'm in transition because I can go months not being bothered by my eating disorder and than BAM it's in my face making me feel so insecure and then I want to just cry. I want to cry and I don't want to deal with this but I know it's important to because this bump in the road isn't going to fix itself if I just ignore it. Man, I wonder why I put myself in my own self drama because it hurts? It's like the time I used to be a self cutter. I know I never talked about that time in my life before and it's the first time I even mentioned it. I don't think my close friends or family even know about that but hey, I'm keeping it real so it's out their now. When I used to self cut the release of self pain felt so good. I enjoy conflicting pain on myself like it was my own satisfaction and I looked at it as Look, you can't hurt me like I can hurt myself. I know that's twisted thinking but when you lived my life and was treated the way my parents treated me you kind of get a little dysfunctional. It was like I was releasing the intense pain I was feeling in my heart. I was in my early twenties when I started with self cutting and it ended as quick as it started. As much as it felt good in the moment I was afraid I would get caught and it was so different then getting caught being confronted with an eating disorder because you can deny and deny you have an eating disorder but with self cutting you leave evidence behind. You can't deny self cutting no matter how hard you try to hide it. I guess I'm just trying to say is I want to conflict pain on myself and years past I did this to just feel something. What I want to feel right now is my guess. I know it's something serious because I don't get in this state for no reason. Maybe in the next couple of days I will figure this all out so I can get back on my path of healthy living. Take care, Peace!!!

Running with Scissors!

The second thing I like most to do besides listening to music is reading books. I love reading about people and their lives. I got really interested in stories about Holocaust Survivors and children who survived abuse of some kind. When I first started reading in this genre I think it was more for me to learn about how to live without all the pain from my past. If these persons could over come some traumatic event and their trauma coming out with a sense of understanding for life, I could too. My life drama was on the minimal scale to these stores of survival which to me made me feel better knowing I wasn't alone in my loneliness thinking I can overcome my pain and suffering.

Okay enough about me. I read a book called Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. I would have to sum it up as a horrifying memoir of a boys life with a sense of being normal. This was a excellent book and it flowed from the beginning. I've read lots of books in my life and sometimes it takes a first chapter to get into the flow of the book and figuring out the way the author is writing. This book started out with good flow and it was easy to get into the story of the book which is a plus to me because I also hate having to read the first chapter twice once I figure out the flow. When I got into this book I couldn't wrap my head around this was a story of someones life. It was too crazy for me to think someone lived this life and it couldn't be a real life story. This kids life was crazy, chaotic and the people he was surrounded by were mentally unstable. The story was so brilliant and fascinating with a sense of normal. This kid was living this life in the sense this was normal to him. We as persons looking from the outside would think he was living some Bohemian life in a crazy world but to this kid it was his life and the author wrote it in a way this kid seemed ridiculously normal and his life wasn't the norm for children his age but the world he lived in was.

The book was about a child who parents divorced when he was 11. His mother was mentally troubled so she started seeing a psychologist for her problems and then one day she dropped her kid off at the Doctor's house. This family was a bunch of mixed matched group of characters in a rundown house described as falling apart and disgusting. The character I really enjoyed was the character Natalie. She was a 16 year old girl and when she was 13 her father give her to a has been 40 something Tennis Player and abused her. She came home with a large sum of money which her father kept for himself. When Augusten was 13 he came out he was gay and had a freakishly weird relationship with a 33 year old man who was the adopted son of the psychologist. There relationship lasted until one day the guy decided to vanish and was out of this kids life forever. Looking it from the outside I would say he was emotionally abused from his mother in her bizarre behaviour, his absent father, his new home of unique family members and his strange relationship with a man 20 years older. He never went to school, had the freedom any child would envy not having adults telling him what to think, say and do. He could live his life the way he wanted when he wanted. Like a bird flying free at the same time surrounded by strange and dysfunctional people. After reading the book I was very, I guess I would have to say disturbed. It bothered me to the point I couldn't believe a child lived this life and then at the same time in a world of crazy it felt like normal. It was an amazing book once you get over the shock of what the book was about and get over the fact this book had ridiculous amount of swearing in it.

Over all it's been one of the best books I read this year and that's says a lot because I've read a lot of books this past year and I found this book on the top of my list. This book isn't for everyone and the way I went into this book I had no clue on what the book was about. Knowing a head of time I most likely would have read it anyway. I guess with this book with amount of crazy and then troubled because this was someones childhood is enough to want to read the book. You learn to understand someones normal is another persons crazy. Thanks for sharing this story. Take care, Peace!!

Oh by the way, it was made into a movie. Go here. I think I'm going to have to check it out. A lot of big named actors are in it.

Cast: Annette Bening, Brian Cox, Joseph Fiennes, Evan Rachel Wood, Gwyneth Paltrow, Gabrielle Union, Alec Baldwin, and Joseph Cross playing Augusten Burroughs.

I think I'm more interested in what they do with the movie. The story is very deep so I hope they capture the story without showing too much.

Inner Thoughts!

Disclaimer: Adult content and read with your own discretion! I decided to do this entry because it's important for me to write about Child Abuse and now it can change someone so personally who has gone through it including me. I think it's important to put a face to the inner struggles of what happens when a child is verbally and emotionally abused. I just want to write about the feelings behind Child Abuse and how secretive it can be for someone who is going through it. It's shameful not wanting people to know you were abused like thinking people will think you are a weak person or scared someone will not believe you or because you are so torn down you just don't want to talk about it. Whatever the reasons people keep it private is there own inner struggles. I'm in a place right now I can talk about it and share with anyone who reads this how hard and painful child abuse is and I'll like to express my thoughts on the matter. My parents betrayed me. Simple as that! They manipulated my sense of self worth. They put expectations on me beyond my capacity. Bruises to the body fade a way but bruises to the heart last a lifetime. My parents abuse set me up to become trapped in the viscous cycle of shame, suffering and self-abuse. The mental anguish I feel on a daily basis because of how I was treated is heart breaking. They always put their needs before mine. They never listened to my needs or wants. They never took responsibility for hurting me the way they did. I felt trapped and I couldn’t even fight back because they kept me vulnerable by diminishing my feelings. They were controlling, manipulative and because of that my heart was destroyed. If someone says they love you, you should feel like they love you! What a concept! Obvious, like "Duh" of course it should. I don’t feel like my parents ever loved me in the sense of what love is. They squeezed my heart to the point I couldn’t breath. I felt pressured to be someone I wasn’t. They made me so confused of what they were trying to teach me. I was uncomfortable, nervous and kept watching what I did or say around them. It was like walking on eggshells all the time living in there home. I didn’t feel alive like I was some object they could use whenever they wanted. I only let people see what I want them to see. I have a very hard time letting people know how I feel in the moment because I was never taught those lessons in life. I’ve been trying to teach myself to say what I really mean when I’m in my most desperate state of mind. When I get my feelings hurt today I have a hard time expressing how I feel and I can’t get the words out. I was never allowed to do that as a teenager. I got angry, shame of me. If I was hurting I kept it to myself. The pain I’m feeling so deep down inside, it just hurts when I even try to get down to the middle of it. Here is a poem I wrote back in 2004. When I can't express my feelings with a voice I write out the words on paper to give me a better understanding what I have to work on and what needs to be put to rest. We all have our life paths. I've gone through a lot and I'm happy to say my outcome turned out great with hard work, dedication and love in my life not only love from others but from learning to love myself in the process of healing my heart.

Desperation By DEW The undying pain inside of me wants to be hidden forever It’s too great and all I can say is "Whatever!" I feel like I’m dying inside although I act so strong on the outside I gave my heart and soul to be touched by love even losing some of my pride I’m living somewhere between full of dreams and dreadful hell I wish the pain would cave in itself inside of me and kill that part as well The blood so fresh and the cut so real Only others that hurt like me only know how I really feel You can never understand the pain within Until you understand where I have been I don’t know how to escape these feelings inside. I look around as I run but there is no place to hide. The risks and chances I have taken. Time and again I have been mistaken. What is this place of anger and fear? What freedom of expression do I have but these tears? I’m the one feeling the hurt behind close doors Agony spoken without words and these are my trophies from past wars. Each shred of hope gets lost in all or nothingness. Pain that follows erases each hint of happiness. Losing my innocent so early by the big boss Nobody knows that I’m just a little girl lost Somebody shoot me and put me out of my misery I will even go out and buy all the artillery I can’t seem to get out of my despair I don’t like feeling like this, it’s bothering me I swear I don’t want to feel more pain than the one I feel within That’s why I work so hard to be so very thin I’m so tired, really tired, and I’m out of breath Striving to be thin will only end me by death.

Who could ever believe I wrote that shit but I did and it can be hard to read and sometimes I can’t believe it all came out of me. Sometimes I don't cry anymore but most times I'm still that child of pain. Don't get me wrong and it still hurts even though its been years and at times the tears are in my throat wanting to come out. I hope I expressed my thoughts and people can understand them. It’s difficult to write out your feelings and to use the right words on what you want to say but I think I did it. I’m not saying at the end of the poem I want to die in the literal sense but more of like an expression. No matter how painful child abuse is and how destructive and mentally frustrating it is we all can do our part and be there for someone who needs a hand to reach out too. Anyone who is struggling to put there life back together after Child Abuse should know I care and I'll listen! Here is my hand and all you have to do is take it! Take care, Peace!

Psychology and some Rants!

I remember the first time I had to see a someone in the Mental Health Department. I was 12 years old for our stupid family therapy sessions. I didn't understand why I had to go. I didn't do anything. I wasn't the stupid asshole in the family who put us in a situation where we had to see a Family Therapist. Nothing was wrong with me but of course, I was forced to go to these stupid sessions to talk about our feelings. I was glad to share how I felt in the matter but apparently I wasn't being productive in contributing to the family as a whole. I wasn't expressing my feelings right because I was told I wasn't helping the family unit. Whatever Doc! Don't ask if you don't want my honest opinion. My parents were selfish and it was always about them. It's fine to want to help your own personal growth and heal your own problems but I didn't have any say in what I wanted. I was forced to go and I was affected by it and not in a good way. I was glad when the family sessions ended. The next time I was forced to do another round of Psychology Appointments. I was getting really tired of all this bull crap. I was 14 at this time and Like I said before ..THERE was nothing wrong with me. Well seeing a Child Psychologist was a little bit different. You want attitude I'll show you attitude. I didn't want to go to these sessions but for some wacky reason it was supposed to be beneficial to me in some way. Missing a soccer game I worked hard practicing for and playing a sport I loved but had to miss because Child Therapy was more important when I wasn't the one who asked for help in the first place. I still wonder why I had to go after all these years. My Parents were the Mental cases here and not me. I was just the 14 year old kid being forced once again to talk about the stupid decisions my parents made. It was nice doing the Family sessions this time around because of the filming behind the stupid mirror. They got good shots of my happy little middle finger. Why ask me stupid questions like How do I feel? etc.. If you're not going to like what I have to say in my answers? Why ask questions in general? No matter what I had to say they were the wrong answers like I was writing a TEST and got an F on it. Didn't make sense to me. I gave those doc's my honest truths and then I got lectures back for putting the blame back on my parents. They love me and all that bull crap. If my parents loved me I wouldn't be writing a blog about my truths. I wouldn't have years of emotional and mental anguish. I would have grew up with my two sisters. I can go on and on so STOP telling me my parents loved me. Like when I told my mother how I felt about her and how she hurt me in my life I wrote her an email back in December 2003 and then she said this to me in an email "I have always done the best I could with I what I had. I'm sorry it isn't good enough" Maybe I'm on a different planet but what I really wanted to hear from my MOTHER was : I failed you as a mother and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't the mother you needed. Sorry I was an alcoholic. Sorry I made you feel unloved by me. I take the responsibility for what I did. These are words of someone taking responsibility but I never heard it. I most likely will never hear it from my mother. My Psychologist said to me you can't change what you don't acknowledge. Apparently, my mother should have gotten Mother of the Year award because she did the best she could do and I missed that Memo! Okay back to the issue again. I didn't have faith in The Mental Health Field and didn't trust it. I tried several times on my own when I was younger when I made the decision for myself but never made it past the third appointment. When I was back in Canada in 2001 my Doctor said something to me and it made perfect sense. Don't go until you are ready and if you see one and don't feel comfortable then keep seeing Psychologists until you find one that fits with you. When my Husband and I moved to California I was finally ready to get some help. It just happened the first Psychologist I saw I meshed well with and she helped me so much. When it was hard she made me face it. The ups and downs of my life and seeing life differently has helped. I got my fear over with the Mental Health Department. If you are having problems bigger than what you can handle. I recommend talking with someone. Talk to your Doctor and set something up. It's nothing to be ashamed of getting help and it doesn't mean you are crazy or mental. It means having someone from the outside listening and showing you a different side of things. Giving you tool to work through your issues. It works when you want it too. I believe when you are ready and not when you are forced too because it will hinder more than help. One last rant: To this day I don't trust Social Services and I'm sure they are a helpful Government Agency but in my life I saw things differently. I was failed by this Government group and will have a hard time believing they do good because I didn't see it. I wasn't protected and they new our families history and still kept me in a home with abuse. They didn't listen to me with this bullshit about trying to keep the family unit together. I was 15 when Social Services was called on my behalf because I was struggling. This Ass of a Social Worker came to the school to talk to me. I thought someone will listen to me for once and then the Social Worker tells me he would not help my situation and will only help me by trying to keep my family unit together. What the f%^k is that? What family unit are you reading about in your stupid file because it couldn't be mine after TWO of my PARENTS children didn't live in the "FAMILY UNIT" anymore but you want to keep the last two children left in a home where you knew abuse happened...nice! Real nice and don't think I didn't tell that GUY what I thought of him because he got an ear full from me. Then when I contacted Social Services to get information on my Birth Father back in 2002 I got a nice phone call stating I can't see my file on my Birth Father because at the time I was put in the Social Services System when I was a baby my Birth Father didn't come forward and claim me as his daughter so they Legally can't disclose the information or tell me the name under Father on my Birth Certificate. I will leave it at that. Social Services may do great things and that's great but this is what happened to me with this Government Agency. My truths, my opinions!

Where I've been!

I guess I should start by letting you know of moments in my life that help me shape who I became. Most moments in my life some family members and friends already know about and some moments I never disclosed until now. I don't want this entry to feel like I want people to feel sorry for me because I worked my butt off and made choices for myself to have my life today. I credit a lot of wonderful people who held my hand and had faith in me as a person. My first traumatizing experience was when my foster mother told me I was going to be adopted. I was 5 years old and I didn't understand why I had to leave. My foster parents are wonderful people and I didn't understand back then why I had to leave when they told me they loved me but I adjusted to my adopted family because I had my two older sisters with me so it made it a little easier to adjust to a new set of parents. I made lots of friends and played sports and was a happy kid over all. I even overcame some racism being Native American Indian living in a white community. Racism affected my life because I was told I was different and today I still have fears sometimes meeting new people and sometimes afraid I will not be accepted. I guess I'm more understanding of peoples feelings because I know how it feels to feel different. We're all equal and we should all respect each other's choices and opinions. Life to me is learning and growing as an individual. I read books of people who overcome some traumatic event in their lives because it keeps me learning how some people can move forward with their lives even though they faced evil and are stronger because of it. It keeps me focused on my life path. The next big life changing moment in my life is when I turned 12. News Years day 1987 is when my older sister left home. I will not go into detail surrounding this day because this isn't my story to tell. I was devastated she left because she was my older sister and I loved her but I knew she had to leave and protect herself. I can't say I wasn't angry with her because I was. She left me behind but she was only 14 herself so I don't know how she could of cared for me. I was hurt and sometimes when I think about this time I still feel hurt. It pains my heart just thinking about it. My adopted parents made selfish decisions and choices that affected all my sisters lives some way or another. I had to grow up fast and be more responsible then my parents. My father left during the week so it was my mother and two other sisters at home. When I was 13 years old I had to care for my younger sister, cook meals, clean the house and do basically a lot of things around the house because my mother would get home grab a beer and hide. I hate talking about this time in my life because this is when the verbal abuse started. Everything wasn't good enough and I was told I wasn't responsible enough by a mother who was an alcoholic. I was being criticized about every little thing I did. I was told I was selfish and being degraded and belittled by a mother who kept telling me she loved me. It was bad enough my mother tore me down and when my father was home he did it also. I was the one they used as a verbal punching bag because they thought I was weak. No child deserves to be verbally abused. Sometimes I wished they physically abused me because at least I would have bruises to show someone. Please give my mother a metal for being a great Teacher but she was a lousy mother to me. I woke up every morning scared or wondered if it was going to be a good day or a very bad day. It basically depended on my mothers mood how my day would go. I had no escape. My parents most likely will think I'm making up lies about them but I lived it and some of my close friends witnessed it. I was an easy target and they took advantage of my free spirit and tore me down verbally and emotionally. My other older sister and I ran away once shortly after our family did a nose dive. We didn't know where we were going to go but we knew we had to leave. It was a cold time of the year and were gone for a night but had to turn back because we had no food and we were cold. Every family friend was at our house that night. We were told we were selfish children for upsetting our parents and how we scared everyone. I wanted to scream in their faces and tell them all the truth about my parents but I was cold and tired. On the inside I was dying but on the outside I was playing a game. Letting the world know nothing was wrong. My first nervous breakdown was in the 7th grade during the Science Fair. My project wasn't working the way I wanted because it wasn't perfect and my home life was stressing me out and I lost it. I broke down and cried and at the time I was embarrassed because I didn't keep it together. My mother finally listened and my parents hired a housekeeper. At first, things were starting to get better but it was only a grace period. My mother was drinking more and nothing was perfect and I was always doing everything wrong. It was hard keeping up their little game of we're a normal happy family. I was in the 9th grade when my other older sister left home. It was hard on me and I was so angry with everyone, my parents, my sister for leaving me behind and God, for giving me this shitty life. This was my hell on earth. I stopped trusting in all adults at this point. I asked for help and no one listened. I felt so alone and if it wasn't for my friends keeping me together I don't know where I would be today. They were my rock and I thank them. There was this guy I had a crush on in high school and it started in the 8th grade. Most of my high school friends probably know who I'm talking about. Don't tell him. I thought I was madly in love with this guy. You know all the puppy love bull crap that goes on in school. One December night a couple of my friends got drunk and I met a guy that night. I thought if I pretended to be interested in this guy my crush would get jealous. I don't think he got the jealousy memo or I just didn't ask or care. A guy was interested in me. I had my first high school boyfriend. He was much older than I was like 4 years older. He was charming and said all the right things to me. He stood up for me with my parents. I lost my virginity to him at 16. I know I wasn't really ready for sex but I did it any way. Why? I wanted someone to give me the love I so desperately needed. I was emotionally worn down and he was my knight and shining armor so I thought at the time. I should have saw the signs I was headed down the wrong road. At first, he would get mad when I was spending time with my friends and we would get in terrible fights and break up but he would always convince me to come back. I was the only one for him and he would change..bla bla bla! I was in a typical abusive relationship. I didn't want to see it because my parents home was like hell to me. The first time our relationship got physical we were in Santa Barbara, California. We got in an argument on a busy street and he pushed me down to the ground. He got angry with me for some reason and of course, we made up like all the other times before. The last night he ever laid a hand on me we were living in an Apartment in Halifax. I went home this one night early from a bar because I was drunk and when he got home he lost it on me. I was so scared for my life. I never in my relationship saw such hate in his eyes before and truly thought he was going to kill me that night. I managed to escape and ran to the hospital and I pressed charges. I felt so degraded having to go to the Police station and take pictures. We were apart for a month when I contacted him though his voice mail. I had to ask why he could do this to me. He didn't know and I forgave him. I was ready to leave him for good when he lost his father. I had to be there for him. He needed me and I couldn't walk away because I loved him. It took me several years later to leave him. I was in that relationship for 7 1/2 years before I got the courage to walk away. Some people want to know why did I stay with the guy for so long. Scared I wouldn't find someone else. I was torn down so much in my life I didn't have any self-esteem left. I didn't think I could make it on my own without him. So many reasons for staying and not enough reasons to leave. I learned from this relationship I had the power to say "not anymore" and made choices for me and what was best for me. I had the control! Now I have to back track back to 12 years old again. I had some good times involving my friends. My life wasn't all in turmoil all the time. They kept me believing in the good side of life. Most of my good times were with my friends and if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have a reason to keep moving forward. My mother was a control freak and I wasn't good enough for her but my friends didn't care. They liked me for me and not what they thought I should be. I learned about Eating Disorders in 9th grade gym class when I was 15 and that's how it all started with that. I was the out of control teenager hating the world and wasn't afraid to express it. My friends were my escape and it was a relief to have great friends and we did some crazy stuff together. When I was 17 years old June 1992 I was diagnosed with Diabetes. My fear was gaining weight and I gained a lot like 30 pounds plus. I had used my diabetes in a way to lose weight fast. I understood how the disease could help me lose the weight. It was my enabler in my battle with finding control in a life I felt I didn't have control over. When I was 23 years old out of a bad relationship on my own for the first time in my life. I was supporting myself and living on my own. I was doing something I never thought I could or believe to do. This was big for me. This was when I met my future husband over the Internet. We chatted several times on the computer which lead to phone calls. We got to know each other and it was refreshing to have a guy who cared about me and not even know what I looked like. I couldn't afford much of an apartment back then so I rented a room in a boarding house. I didn't care because it was my own place to call home. In July/August 1998 one night I fell asleep and forgot to lock my door. The loner next door who never talked to anyone came into my room that night and raped me. It was a devastating time for me. I didn't report him to the police because I didn't have the strength to go to court again. I did it once and didn't want to do it again. I had way worse things happen to me in my life I could get over this. I needed to not let this consume me and that was another reason I didn't report him. I wanted to move forward. 2 weeks later I missed my monthly friend. I took care of it the best way I could to move forward. It was the right decision for me at the time in my life. I believe abortion is wrong but I believe it's the women's right to make her own choices. I did something I knew in my heart could break me and I didn't make this decision lightly. Their was a lot of tears shed and when I fixed the situation I moved on. My husband and I met face to face in November 1998. I think that was my craziest moment in my life. I think I was temporally in sane for going but I did and it was a fun trip. This relationship was refreshing and it was hard to trust in how good it felt. Some of the decisions I made afterward were stupid and down right crazy. I had this guy who loved me and I was drinking with my friends and having my cake and eating it too. I was never the girl to have sex with different people but I did. It was a wild time in my life being stupid. I made the decision to move to Portland, Oregon and in April 2000 I up rooted my life and took this huge leap. By then I was emotionally broken inside. My conscience was hurting for lying and cheating on a guy I knew loved me and I loved back. July 2000 I was put in the Hospital for Diabetic Ketoacidosis. Diabetic ketoacidosis develops when you have too little insulin in your body. Without enough insulin, sugar (glucose) can't enter your cells for energy. Your blood sugar level rises, and your body begins to break down fat for energy. This produces toxic acids known as ketones. Left untreated, diabetic ketoacidosis may cause you to lose consciousness. Eventually, untreated diabetic ketoacidosis can be fatal. I was lucky this time around. The Doctor told me I was lucky if I just waited a few days to come in there wouldn't been anything they could have done to save my life. I got a really good reality check. I almost died and this was big. You would think this would have been a wake up call but this wasn't my rock bottom. I was emotionally broken and didn't know how to pull myself through so I punished myself with food. I hated myself so much and didn't like who I became at this point in my life. I was pushing away a guy I loved because I didn't feel like I was worth it. My health was getting pretty bad so I made the decision to move home to Canada. I got medical help and I tried to put my life back together. I was emotionally broken and one of my lowest points in my life. I finally told my husband everything, all my fears, all my lies and all my truths knowing by doing this I may never see this guy again. I was prepared for this to happen and I unburdened my heart and I wanted to start fresh in my life. Letting go some of the pain I felt was good for me. As you know he didn't leave and he didn't walk away. We got engaged in May 2001. He wasn't going to let me go and I didn't want him too. We got married in Reno in November 2002. It felt so right to me. I was finally in a good place to be. The roller coaster of up and downs in my life with good times and the bad has given me faith in trusting I can make good choices in my life. I have learned hard lessons from my mistakes, bad judgments and I take full responsibility for my actions and my life. I think it has made me a better mother and more understanding because I've been in places in my life where I wouldn't choose for my family. If I didn't learn from my life then what's the point in growing, learning and to be a good person. I stopped drinking alcohol because I made stupid choices when I was drunk and poor choices that only caused me greater pain. I got my faith back in God again and I know I can count on him to guide my life to achieve the life I always wanted and deserved to have. Even though I was broken and beaten I still pulled up my head and fought for me. I wouldn't change a thing in my life. With hard work in putting back the broken pieces I called my sorry life I finally can see the other side of the rainbow. I finally forgave the choices that were made for me when I was a teenager and it doesn't mean I will forget what happened but I know it wasn't in my control but it's my control now as an adult to accept what happened and move forward. I think I was holding onto pain and suffering because I didn't know how to let go. I choose to want a better life so I'm doing it. Everyday I thank the life I am living. I feel like my battle of emotional heartache is gone because I make the choice and decision to not affect and consume me. Those days are over because I choose to live a better life. I could so easily be in a hard place right now but I pulled through and anyone who feels like they have no more energy to start over you can. It's taking responsibility for your life and to forgive the things you didn't have control over. You should never forget your own history but learn and grow from it. I accepted help because I couldn't do this by myself and the only way you can get help is ask for it. Just reach out to the hand who wants to help you. I had many hands who helped me and it was all worth it. I am in a stable marriage with two wonderful children. It was along journey of learning about self love and respect for myself. I live in the present and this is where I want to be. There were more moments in my life I didn't talk about and may be in time I may disclose those chapters in my life but this isn't the time. I dedicate this entry to all my friends, my family and extended family who supported me through all my life journeys. Thank you for believing in me :)

My long time struggle with an Eating Disorder!

Some people don't understand fully about this subject. It's hard explaining something when you never had to struggle day in and day out with something so complex as an eating disorder. It has nothing to do with food but every thing to do with control. I characterized myself between anorexia and bulimia. I wrote this sometime in June 2004. The reason I am quoting myself because I'm in a different place now and back then I was living it. I was in a dark place emotionally and I was hurting with an inner fight I was losing and I would have to say I am not there anymore. I will always be fighting an Eating Disorder for the rest of my life. I learned what my triggers are and I DO NOT want to go back to THAT place of darkness. If anything else I can help someone else going through an Eating Disorder. I am warning you what you're going to read is emotional. "I shouldn't’t care what I look like because that sounds so vain but if you were told repeatedly over and over something is wrong with you, maybe, just maybe you would be screwed up as much as I am. I need to look perfect for me and only me. I’m so far from being perfect in my own eyes. I need to accept me. So many factors and this goes deep within my heart. I’m fighting with myself now and with all the trauma I had growing up and all the heartache being given’ up like yesterdays trash doesn’t compare to feeling like you can never be good enough in your own eyes. My ED has taken over my life. It consumes me every minute of the day and haunts me in my dreams. I can’t runaway from it. I silently cry within when I eat one piece of food. I hurt even more when I binge. I cry out when I purge it all back up. I am never in peace because it’s on my mind. My brain keeps telling me I'm not good enough and my heart keeps telling me I'm worth the whole world. I’m scared I’m losing this battle within. Some days I can’t get myself up to function and do just the little things and other days it’s not all that bad. No matter what people tell me about myself I have a hard time believing and trusting in it. I wish I could see what you all can see about my image because you don’t understand my perfection. How can you because I never talked about it until now. I could try to explain what my perfection is but I’ll be blue in the face and you would never get it. Maybe down the road I will try to explain my idea of perfection but right now it’s not the time. Maybe I don’t have time but some day I know I will beat this ED and then I can talk about it." "How do I begin? It’s hard opening up my heart and soul when all I want to do is run from my emotions. It seems like I’ve been struggling to get my shit together with this ED for years. 14 years to be exact and that’s a long time to have this disorder. I swear I done it all but then I’m still here all messed up so I couldn’t have done it all but I’m doing therapy, group therapy and I even joined a support group online but it’s all not enough to help work my life out. I’m going through a rough spot at the moment as you can tell. I’m feeling all sorry for myself. I’m dogging my body and I can’t even get my lazy butt off the couch and do some simple exercise. You would think eating is supposed to be some easy thing to do and it’s supposed to be easy but for some crazy idea I put in my little brain, I’m afraid to eat because when I do I binge myself silly. I am like hungry all the time and I keep telling my husband I can eat but I choose not too. I would rather not eat because for me, eating means gaining weight. Gaining weight for me is like, "oh my god, I can’t say it!" You would think I would be happy being at the smallest I’ve been since grade school but no, I’m not satisfied and have to lose that extra weight I carry around my waist area. I obsess over my body like not being perfect will be the end of me. I watch Dr. Phil all the time and he always asks those crazy people on his show what’s there pay off for doing all there destructive behavior and I have asked myself millions of times what my pay off is and for the life of me I’m figuring that out. If I knew what it was I wouldn’t be struggling with my ED like I am. I know I need to keep hanging in their and all that crap but it’s hard when your brain keeps nagging at you to be stupid. One day at a time!" "It’s a Sunday night on a beautiful June day. I’m listening to music trying to express my feelings the best way I know how. I just want to cry so hard but something is holding me back. I want to be so strong like I can handle this ED alone. Sometimes I wish I kept this disease a secret and didn’t tell anybody. I don’t like feeling vulnerable and have to lean on anybody. I recognize this disease wants me to be secretive, wants me to be alone, scared and ashamed with myself. It feeds on my insecurities and my fears. This disease has taken over my life because I sometimes let it. I feel like I have nothing left to give to myself at times. I fight so hard against my ED and a lot of times I just give up and let this ED take over so I don’t have to feel what the real pain is deep down inside. I have been damage so profoundly in my lifetime I don’t want to ever feel like that again. I’ll runaway. I know to get this ED under control I have to face and not avoid those feelings and thoughts I have about my past. I feel so out of control at the moment and want to just hide and sink in a big hole to think of nothing but happiness. Sometimes I tell myself I had enough and to get this ED under control and sometimes I tell myself I can’t handle the pain so I lean on this ED to just do its thing. This might sound so stupid but I feel like my ED is my friend. My ED has always been there for me even when its been destructive to me. I feed on it to make me feel better about myself. I guess what I am trying to say is this; it’s going to be hard learning to mange this Ed when all I know is this ED. I think I’m holding back the tears because I’m afraid to feel the ache inside. The pain is too much to bear and I want to be so strong. I am one big gigantic mess at the moment. I don’t know where to start. I don’t like to feel so out of control like I’m some kind of crazy wacko. On the outside I want to look like I can handle anything. I want to seem like everything is under control. I don’t want those people to win; I don’t want to feel like I failed or something like I can let some idiotic person bring me down. I want to show them I’m not going to let them believe they have the influence over me like I’m some pathetic person that can be affected by what they have to say about me. I get so furious with these people because I myself don’t want them to win. I know my past is my past but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less today. When I finely told my mother how I really felt and how hurt I am she ran the other way. I haven’t talked or had contact with her since January. She makes me feel so insignificant at times and I shouldn’t care what she thinks but she’s my mother and I loved her at one point in my life. Maybe I still love her today and that’s why it hurts so much. I don’t know. I feel so rejected, abandoned, and neglected by her. Maybe I just want her approval and to be proud of me. I shouldn’t care what she thinks of me especially what I have in my life today but the problem is I do care and that’s what hurts the most I think. The one thing my mother didn’t have control over was my ED. All those late nights as a teenager I binged while she slept and drank her beer to help purge all the food back up I would be so proud I was defiant and it made me feel so satisfactory I got away with it that night and every night after. I know I should have found something else to get back at my mother with but that was the only thing I could think of. I didn’t realize at the time I was only punishing myself. No one can tell me today my mother cares about me because I will never believe them and maybe that’s my way of protecting myself from the hurt I’m feeling at the moment but it will be along time before I realize she cares in her sick little way. I want to scream at her and slap her into reality. I want her to feel the pain I feel, I want her to get it that she hurt me, I want her to see me the way I see myself and that she was the one that caused it. I know I am a caring and sensitive person. Maybe I’m a little too sensitive at times but I can’t help that part of my personality. That’s what makes me I guess, me. I don’t let anybody see my struggles because I’m ashamed of that part of myself. No body can eat for me or to tell me how to feel. I don’t know how to lean on anybody. I have no problem talking about things and that life isn’t fair but I don’t know how to express how I’m really feeling. I’m alone most of the time because that’s what ED wants you to do, to cut yourself off from the rest of the world. I guess I’m in hiding. I don’t want to talk to anybody or be around anybody because I’m afraid they will see right through me. I don’t like confrontations. I don’t like people seeing me in a state of hopelessness or knowing I’m in a state of desperation. I have this anxiety at the moment because I’m sharing my secretive thoughts, I’m writing out everything I keep to myself, the stuff I don’t want anybody to know about me. It’s hard to actually believe I’m human and my thoughts are normal because this can’t be normal. I can’t be normal because it seems so insane to me. I don’t like being awake at times so I just sleep. I check out of this world by sleeping. I wake up and it's another day and I say man, I can’t handle being me today. I don’t want to face another day of having to work through my demons so I sleep. Dreamland seems a whole lot better than feeling like I’m not good enough. I remember when I was 12 to 15 I would walk to my elementary school in the middle of the night and I would sit there in the cold and look up at the stars and pray that someday life would be better for me and I would get out of this disarray I lived in. I wished I would find something special for me. I wanted god to take the pain away and then I found ED. I know god didn’t want me to get an ED but for me in the middle of the devastation of what my life was about back then it was my answer. What I’m trying to say is I had this determination back then to keep holding on for something great to make me see I was worth being born. I new I had to keep fighting the good fight because I knew in my heart I had something to give to this world some way or another. I think I lost that determination I had back then. I was so young and the lessons of life are greater of a challenge then what a little child knows by wishing on a bunch of stars. I don’t know what I was thinking by sitting in the cold in the dark and thinking if I wished that dreams would come true. I only got to where I am today because I made decisions and not because of some miracles I wished for. Maybe harming myself with this ED is selfish of me but sometimes I do it and not even am aware I’m doing it at times. I will sit there on the couch stuffing my face full of food because I starved myself all day and then become conscious what I’m doing and it scares me because I allowed myself to lose control for that moment. I feel so ashamed of myself when I do that because I’m supposed to be working the program of recovery. I know recovery doesn’t mean starving myself neither. The fear I have surrounding food is like finding out you have some form of cancer. It’s like finding out you have some devastating disease and can’t believe this could happen to you but its reality. My ED is cancer about food. Food is my drug to fight the cancer and I’m having a hard time taking the medicine. I want to stop what I am doing so badly because I know I can die from doing what I am doing. I am aware of this fact but it doesn’t make me want to stop at times. I still do it someway or another every single day and it scares me to think I’m harming myself because I’m getting some sort of satisfaction to get back at my mother. It’s like I’m abusing myself because I believe I’m this horrible person she told me I was. I keep contradicting myself because this is what the ED wants me to do. It wants me to be conflicted. It wants me to be confused and scared so I can only depend on it and no one else. I don’t like to share my thought and feelings with people because I don’t want to look like I’m some wounded soul who needs to be saved. Everything is so messed up, so crazy, and so confusing right now. It’s like I’m being pulling in every direction and all the voices in my head telling me what to do all the time. No wonder I want to check out of reality most of the time. It gets exhausting. I could keep going on tonight but I’ll leave it for another time." "I read about ED and the combination with Diabetes. I confess I lean towards foods I know I shouldn’t be eating but for me when I can’t eat something I end up craving for it. I eat a lot of junk food and sweets. I can’t help it or maybe I can but it’s like I have to have sugar because I know I shouldn’t be eating it. Once I figure these thing out I won’t want to eat candy and anything else that’s harmful to me. I’ll want to stay healthy and do things that are healthy but for now I haven’t really gotten it yet like it took me fracturing my left arm to quit drinking alcohol. It took me moving away from my family to realize I haven’t gotten over the abuse and the hurt is still there. I just hope I don’t end up committed to the hospital for me to get it. I know I’m not there yet to get committed but I really can’t see if I am or not. I’m just trying to make good decision for me right now. " Okay, that was hard to read. I definitely am not there anymore and hopefully I can have a brighter future. My kids need me, my Husband needs me and also the world needs me. An eating disorder may in the beginning be about losing weight but then it takes over your life and you're wrapped up in your head in a dark place and never saw it coming. I hoped this has helped the inner secrets of this disease.