To ease my suffering!

The one thing about going to Therapy I'm learning to look at my feelings and understand some emotions isn't a sign of weakness. Last night I read something and it sparked within me that I get it. You know I wanted to be strong in February and I didn't want to get mad because I felt that meant I didn't care for this person or could support him cause I got mad. I'm learning that's not the case. I held onto my suppressed anger from this situation way to long because I was afraid to let it out.

I'm so angry my heart burns because this person betrayed my trust. He sprang news into my soul and then left like what the fuck was that? Nothing and I'm supposed to sit and wait until he decides to contact people. Relationships are not one sided. I'm happy he's moving on but this wait and see is what's killing me and maybe it's that part of me that doesn't like surprises, the part that hates waiting and that part that likes to be prepared. I don't know but I think it's hard to sit and wait to see if he truly cared. I think that's the hardest for me. Did he really care?

I shared the night I was raped and how it destroyed me. The only person I shared that night with was my husband so to me opening up and talking about what I went through was massive. I also talked about having an abortion because I got pregnant from being raped. In the Christian Community, having an abortion you're not very popular and so talking to my Pastor's about why I was leaving the Church and I had enough of my silent abuse. They convinced me of staying within our Church so I stayed because what they said sounded good. Two weeks later I was sitting in my Lead Pastor's Living room hearing from my site Pastor's reason for leaving and stepping down. Then the shock of giving them the respect of not contact them while they are healing. What the fuck? I'm sorry because I'm angry about that. I may process my thoughts differently than the norm but that totally rocked my world and then having no contact with him or his family I was deeply hurt again. That hurt the most for me. Only Silence!

I truly do not like having PTSD but there is nothing I can do about that. My brain is truly wired differently and sometimes my reactions are not of my control. Last Tuesday at our Monthly Leadership meeting for our Church our second location the Leadership decided to close up shop and regroup. My Westside team worked so hard and in two weeks we're done, just like that. A lot of my pain is under the surface so when I'm reacting to stuff people only see one side of things. In public I'm a closed off machine but behind closed doors I'm a mess. All my senses going off at once, my anxiety is on fire and all I want to do is to escape with drugs and alcohol. That's pissing me off too because my husband won't buy me my alcohol. I hate my addictions. In this situation it would be so nice to have had a prescription to Ativan or something. It would be nice to not be able to think for awhile.

What tears me apart is they didn't trust me enough to be there friend and I could have been there but they choose not too. I'm angry because I gave blood and tears for this Church and for what? Nothing! It just breaks my heart and as much as I'm so angry my heart hurts and I'm sad what went down and I'm trying to search for the happiness in all this. All I can do right now is try and that's all I can do and mourn the loss of something I had no control over. Tomorrow may change and all I can do is move on! Take care, Peace!

Wired Differently!

There's nothing left of me cause you thrown me away like yesterdays trash. You drop a bomb into my life and then tell me you want space. How am I supposed to process that? How am I supposed to move on? I trusted the words you spoken. Only silence and you broken the trust of the life you told me I was worth yet then I look into the mirror and I see the opposite of what you see.

You can't expect me to walk this path alone. I came from broken then you promised to raise me up to turn around and smash me on the ground. I feel like I'm losing my way. My heart dragged through this emotional train of despair because you put me there. I just want to retreat from this place because all it's doing is getting me burnt.

Why? Why did you put me here? Why did you even help me? Why knowing you would turn around and destroy the very part of my soul that was healing? I don't understand and I'm trying to find answers to all this chaos because I'm here searching for the meaning of it all. Why you even cared?

How do you expect I would take this news? So confused and I'm trying to fight the voices within. Each day it's a new day and I don't think I'll ever be the same. I don't think I can open up the possibility that what happened will ever change. Broken with my shattered dreams.

You have to give me time to process all of this. I have to fight that once was and look through this with deepen sympathy. Hear my heart because it's crying for you. I'm not angry and I don't know if I can be. I'm just feeling like I wasn't worth enough for you to tell me the truth.

I feel conflicted because my work is to expose men for who they really are. This is where my journey leads me but every time I want to follow my path I get slammed against the wall with your face staring back at me. How hard that must feel for me to be the one who's causing you so much of your pain.

Here I am feeling the raw emotions of fighting back the urge to run. I'm fighting my old life, fighting the feelings of the voices of shame. The voices of blame. The voices of who I never meant to be. This is what you are doing to me and I sit in silence while life going on. Life is moving forward and I'm sitting here fighting with the voices within. Yes, we all need space to process this pain. Yes, we all need time for healing.

I just want to scream my heart out at you. Darkness is creeping in and it's crippling me and I don't want to go back there but you put me there with the exposure of who you really are. Is this my story? I don't think I can live like this. Throw me off this train and let me go because I'm asking you to. On the day we cross our paths again we'll be strangers within the sea of people. You don't hear me no more and that means I got my freedom to dust off the pain

It's my voice of freedom and I can follow my heart song once again. I don't know if that place darkness wants me is really in me. I think circumstance wants to put me there but someday I will look back to see my life's song during this time was never meant to be mine but was meant to be yours.

I have my dreams and I'll keep fighting for what's keeping me going. I don't know where I'll be going but I do know this I'll get past the pain and while I'm sitting here I'll be looking forward because no one will keep me here trying to push me into the darkness again.

I have figuring out to do because I'm wired differently then you. Take care, Peace!

It's a New Year!

Wow, Plenty of good and crappy and just all up anxiety has happened within the New Year. First off, I spent New YearsEve cramped in the house because our Car decided to stop working December 30, 2012. My family only has one Car because our tax paying Budget only covers for one Car and not two so we couldn't go anywhere. I was bummed so I made the family watch the Sound of Music and I loved it and we forgot to ring in the New Year when that time came around. It was past 1 am when the movie got over and my two little children stayed up way to late so we put them to bed and that's about it. Nothing Earth shattering or special other than spending it with my family happened.

New Years Day we decided to take the Bus to see a Movie with the kids. We promised them a Movie over their Christmas Break but instead of taking the Bus we walked instead and it wasn't too far of a walk and we all loved it. We watched the Rise of the Guardian and we all loved it. After the Movie we decided it wasn't too far and we walked to Target and then Barnes and Noble because my daughter got herself a gift card for Christmas and wanted to pick up her New Book from her Wolf book series she's reading. Then for Dinner we walked to Five Guys. Over all it was a really great day and one to remember.

The following day I drank the last of my Diet Rockstars and Diet Pepsi so off to the store we walked. It was a beautiful day, the sun was out and the family was doing good and when we got to the store we took a break and decided to have a snack. That's when the Hubs got the call about our Car. It would cost $2300 to fix the car. I was heartbroken because we were planning on paying off our son's Kindergarten Tuition with that money. We saved it, we didn't spend it and here that money had to be used to fix the car. We need a Car yet at the same time I felt defected like you have a plan and everything is going good and you hit a wall. So we're back to paying each month but still we could have used that monthly expense for something on our list to pay off. It's just a shitty situation all around.

Last Friday January 4th I decided to write an email to my Pastor explaining why I was leaving the Church. It was a heart felt email and explained how I felt and why I felt it and at first, I wasn't going to send it but decided I had to stick up for myself. I'm tired of so called Christian's say they are for Love but keep pointing out sins especially my sin. How am I to heal? with the healing I need to do is about my Abortion, heal that part why I chose the Abortion and deal with the healing of my rape. I can't do that when I'm with several Christian's who say they care about me but then turn around and post hurtful things on Facebook about Abortion. I lost it and I'm hurt so I decided without telling my husband I was leaving the Church.

That was my Stand so after I sent it I had two emails in my inbox, both from my Pastor. First one was my Recommendation Letter I have been waiting 2 months for and our weekly Church News Letter which it read to pray so bitterness doesn't breed hatefulness. Lets just say I felt like the biggest Ass and it just shattered my whole being. I kept myself busy and Sunday rolled around, the Car was fixed and all my Laundry was done and put away, I rearranged my Closet, I went shopping and I spent time with both kids on their various video games and I kept busy because I was afraid if I sat still my mind would wander so Sunday morning I got up, got the kids ready for Church and said goodbye to them and watched them drive away and I sat down and cried and I cried for a good long time. I slept some the night before but mostly I stayed up with the Hubs and talked. I explained why I wrote the letter, I explained my feelings and he seemed to understand and told me I should make some time to sit down with the Pastor to talk about it. I almost had an anxiety attack. So while set up was going on, my hubs and I were texting each other back and forth. He told me he talked to the Pastor and that he read my email and he wanted to talk to me about it. My hubs put in a prayer request for the Church to pray for me and he told me the prayer was really nice by the Pastor which made my heart hurt even more. I have never felt so alone and defected before because this time hurt, this time somewhere deep within my soul needs to be sitting in the pew (okay Movie Theater..aka Church meets in a Theater) on Sunday Morning, serving with kids, being togetherness with Believers in Christ. So when I decided to walk away it crushed apart of me.

Is this where my walk in my Journey I call my life going? Am I just being Human and doing it alone because that's my sin nature or Am I being lead away from the Church because Jesus has other plans for me. I know know and My mind is frazzled and confused and torn. I've been praying, I've been seeking him through worship. I'm singing like crazy and it's driving me a little out of sorts. I guess I want answers right now so I can know what to do. Where am I going? Am I just being a tool and should go back to Church and it's like my Life is in wait mode and I don't like it. Should I go or should I stay? So many questions and zero answers!

My heart is hurting, my soul is crying out and I just want some peace. My mind is all over the place. I kept checking my email every 5 seconds yesterday just hoping but my Pastor is in Southern California on some Pastor Conference/retreat/business and I feel all alone. I also had my yearly Doctor appointments. I guess they changed the guidelines for Diabetes Control which makes my numbers why out of control. I'm being sent to a team of Diabetic Specialists to rein in my control and go back on Insulin. I didn't fight it this time around. I'll take those stupid needles and I'll go to their stupid classes and support groups. I don't want to lose my Kidney's, or eye sight and my Doctor thinks my Chronic Pain is due to my Diabetes and someday the medication I'm taking will not help with that. I don't want that to happen so I'm listening now.

So Here I am on Tuesday January 8th with my heart broken, lonely, feel misunderstood, feeling out of control, and wondering if life will be different this year. I sent in my application for a Volunteer Position to help give awareness for Human Trafficking. My mind is a little nutty and hopefully once I get some time to sit with my Pastor to hash out that needs to be hashed out and I don't run in the opposite direction, life should hopefully settle out again....I pray for peace and I may just get it in the form of a CD today. Chris Tomlin's BurningLight CD is out today and I'm going to go get it later. I'm also going to his Concert in April. I have lots of good things coming down the road. I just hope I get there. Take care, Peace!

It's only a matter of time!

My life is like waves crashing against the rock on the shore. Sometimes it's beautiful and peaceful and you can sit and watch the waves coming to shore and it's nice. Then other times it violent and angry waves crashing against the shore and it's scary like the waves are going to grab you up and drag you off to sea.

My thoughts keep changing and I'm changing. My role as wife and mother keeps changing and sometimes it's great and I feel at peace and other times I'm just standing at the edge scared I'm going to fall off.

I promised myself I was going to have a great summer. I promised this year was going to be different because last year I was dealing with Vicodin addiction. So far my summer is what it is and I'm working on just letting things go because I'm learning about myself. I tend to keep things tight and what's harmful for me I tend to repeat when myself unravels. My life is unraveling and I'm at a place where I have two paths to take. One where I know is the hardest way but it's good and the other path which is the easy path but in the end is destructive.

I want to latch on to what is good and I want to hold on but the feeling of abandonment and rejection is hard for me. It's deep within my heart and having to work through that is hard. I would rather drink myself crazy. I would rather numb myself with drugs. I want to feel the underlining of a warm rush though my body then dealing with the emotional trauma within my head so I can have peace and move on. Life would have been so easy if I grew up in a loving and happy home.

Today the hard path wins but it's a matter of time when I can't hold on any longer and the violent waves drags me out to sea and frankly, I think I'm okay with that. Take Care, Peace!!

Come, I'll show you!!

I have deep rooted emotions I've been trying to figure out the past few months. I've been getting "Forgiveness" flashing in my face so I'm working on forgiveness in all aspects of my life and frankly, I suck at forgiving. Things I thought I have forgiven I realized I have not. I've been walking this interesting journey these past few weeks and as much as I've been fighting change on my emotional journey I've been learning more about my life. It's interesting when you just sit and listen. I've been listening and learning more of the ways through my heart it has brought me tears of joy and the layers of brokenness that has collected there full of pain I just pushed aside because I couldn't face rejection within my life. It shouldn't amaze me when the grace of God has touched my life like a silence of light just shining down onto my soul showing me but it does because I'm still fighting the thought that is "Why me?"

Sure, I can give countless accounts of why I'm not worthy of grace, mercy and forgiveness. I realized I have deep rooted trauma within my heart that traps me in fear, anxiety and pain. I know I can't fully move forward until I brake down those trauma's I have stored within my heart, those trauma's I have built because as a child I didn't know how to deal with them emotionally. They are rooted in there so deep and boobie trapped it's crazy how I manage to live.

Lately, I've been angry. My heart is so full of rage right now and it kind of scares me. I have Zero patience for my family. I love my family so much and at the same time I can't stand to be around them. They are driving me crazy with the kids fighting non stop with each other and my husband would rather fix other things then being present with his own family. I just tune out because I'm tired of him coming home grab his computer and play his video games all the time and the only time he helps out around our home is when I've lost it and stream is coming out of my ears. Why is it that he can do things and volunteer outside the home but can't manage to fix and finish projects around his own home? I'm getting tired of living in this chaos and I do think about leaving. Yes, I have thought of leaving my family like walking away I get so frustrated. I am not happy and I'm ashamed my house is the way it is and it's embarrassing to me. I'm embarrassed of my home and my thoughts about leaving the ones I care about the most. I'm so not worthy.

I keep telling my husband I need a break and then the empty promises that come after. I'm starting to think no one is hearing me. I have nothing else to give and I'm on empty full of brokenness!! Take care, Peace!!

Reality Bites!

Why does my heart hurt so much? I kind of know the answer to this question. I have been struggling with life. All around me everyone is living their life and I'm just stuck in an never ending battle with myself. It's raw and hurtful and I don't know how to get myself out of this anxiety of overwhelming pain. My life has changed after the pneumonia. I feel sad, depressed and I just feel like as much as I'm fighting to get better apart of me has sunk into a deep hole of emotional pain. I want my life back and to feel more than this sadness within my soul. I feel like I'm on the edge of life and I'm ready to burst into tears at any moment. I can see where my life is at now and I can see where I want to be like this push and pull of never ending sorrow.

I don't know how anyone can help me. I know my husband can see I'm struggling and I know his troubles are because of me. I can feel it within him thinking he's watching his wife slip away and he feels helpless to do anything. It's just hard because I have tried everything. I asked for medical help because I know my addition to prescription drugs has a hold on me. I didn't get help like I thought. By the medical professional I saw doesn't think I have a problem. I'm afraid to ask again for help. I have this struggle to pick up the phone because of the rejection I got the last time I called. I can't sleep without those pesky drugs but during the day the need for more is hurting me. I know where they are kept and my husband has them in the safe which I can't get too but if I could I would be taking them. That's how bad I am and I'm not on the hard stuff because I can't get to them.

I am learning to not need drugs and I know it's not my fault like it's not the Doctor's fault for prescribing them. I had a reason for needing drugs. I had lung surgery and they were much needed but now after months of healing my body wants them, needs them and I'm left fighting a battle within myself and I feel like I'm losing.

It's so difficult to just shut that part of myself off. I don't want to be hooked on drugs. I don't want this or feel like I should be going through this unnecessary pain of self conflicting struggle but I am. The push and the pull, the highs and the lows, the back and forth is what's killing me. I'm all over the map emotionally and I just want to feel normal again. I just want to smile and mean it. I just want to wake up feeling refreshed because I have forgotten how that feels then waking up with a headache, my body hurting and the need for more drugs. The need for more drugs is so painful. My body needs drugs and each time I give in apart of me falls apart. Apart of me feels like a failure like I don't have any self control. Why don't I have self control? I've tried going cold turkey, I've tried down grading like the Doctor's tell me and every time I try something it doesn't seem to work. I go as long as I can take it. I'm self inflicting and one of these days I'll be back in the hospital and this time I won't be so lucky.

I'm tried the blame game and anger just seems to just make me feel more emotional broken. I'm going away with the family this weekend and I'm hoping to just escape for a few days and maybe when I get back I'll drum up the courage to make that phone call again to get myself some help because I have no where to go and I don't want to live the way I'm living. This sucks and I'm hurting. I hurt and I feel empty and what more of a life lesson to learn than this....sacrificing who you are isn't worth the pain of addition!

The Dark side of Life!!

Disclaimer: Fowl language in this Post!!

I get it and I understand life can be hard. I've been in places in my life where it was painful to live. Each day wasn't any better then the next. I understand people love drama for themselves or watching, reading and participating in other peoples drama. It's in our nature and sometimes we enjoy it watching other people suffer and sometimes it makes us feel better knowing someone else is suffering just like yourself. Our society is deep rooted with drama, suffering and sometimes people just need it to have meaning whatever that may be for themselves. I had plenty of drama directly and indirectly in my lifetime and frankly I'm getting to the point I would prefer not to have as much. It's really exhausting.

When you are walking with suffering in your life it really is hard to see the world as happiness. You are angry the world is shitting on you. You see other people with joy and you just want them to fuck off, neither you are jealous of them or really you just want them to fuck off.

Sometimes it's just easier to hate the world and everyone in it then to fix your life. It's like you are so down on your life working to make things better is harder so living your life with discontent is what you're going to do. It's not like you deserve a better life and it's not like you deserve to be happy. It's like you're not worth anything better so why bother changing things. Life is a sack of shit so I'll accept it as my life and struggling with life is at least something.

It's a dark world and you never see the good stuff. You never see the opportunities surrounding your life or the people who love and care for you. All you think is they are just trying to get in your business being all righteous like they are perfect and they just don't understand you. You think they are telling you how to live your life and they don't know you. They don't know what you have been through and they sure as hell need to back off because it's your life and they really don't know how you are feeling. What do they know? They haven't gone through my struggles or my heart breaks so how can they help me besides being in my business. You really don't want to hear it neither it makes you fell like more shit or you hear some truth in what they are saying and it makes you feel like shit for seeing your life like shit. It's never a win, win!!

Of course, you don't want to hear it because of your self worth. When you don't give yourself much respect or credit no matter what anyone says you don't believe them because you don't like yourself all that much. Why would you like yourself? The world is against you and suffering just follows you everywhere you go and you never get a break on anything. It's always something which keeps bringing you down. You have the "got ya" moments to prove life is full of shit. You understand the saying "shit happens" because you are living it.

You feel alone because no one understands your pain. No one understands your circumstances and you have lost friends because obviously they don't care and it's there loss. They were bitches and who needs that righteousness anyway like their shit don't stink. I'm better off without them.

It really is a lonely life. Seeing the world like that is sad and the despair, the pain, the not feeling like you are loved, that no one understands me or can understand me is an empty shell of a life. I happened to live some of my life is this. I went through a period of my life full of rage, sorrow, frustration and anger. No one could hate me more than I hated myself. It's sad way of life. The hard part were the tears of not knowing what was next like it was bad enough you couldn't deal with life the way it is yet more things were piling up on your plate like "Come on....really?" Enough is enough yet you keep living it over and over and it's not like you don't want to have an easy life but getting their would be work. How can you deal with work when you got all this shit to do already?

It's not easy changing your life around and seeing the world differently. It took me years and at times the work was more difficult to deal with but you keep working at it. You keep moving forward with baby steps and when you fall you pick yourself up and you keep moving. You're going to get bruised and feel beaten but in the end it's all worth it. One day you will look back and hold those scars of your life with pride.

This is how I did it. Each time a problem came up as much as it hurt I dealt with the issue. I was straight up with the problem that was burdening my heart. I dug in deep and worked it out so I could let them go so when things got tough those issues wouldn't bother me anymore. Then I moved on to the next problem and worked each issue out until life started looking easier. I could see the light on the other side. Then dealing with my problems were getting much easier. You're going to have short comings and old problems will creep back into your life. You pat yourself on your back and you push through.

The more learning you do about yourself you realize how strong you really were for putting up with all your shitty baggage you were carrying around on your back. The lighter you become by working on your craziness you realize you don't want to carry that shit anymore. It was heavy..damn you it hurt. Then you realize you don't want to live like that anymore. You are strong and you realize how strong you are and it gives you strength to push through the chaos of your life.

When things become easier and you learn you really are worth it then you get hit by a ton of bricks called........ guilt!!! Oh my, my bricks of guilt consumed me down to my core being. How do you get out of that? For me I allowed myself to mourn my past life. I started building my foundation to be stronger and more resistance so when troubles came my way it was easier to deal with. My foundation didn't crumble to the ground every time I was hit with the shit part of life. You can never change the past but only live in the present and hope for the future. To move forward you ask for forgiveness and you give forgiveness and life is not easy but it can be exciting and joyful. The light feels warm and inviting. The dark is cold and depressing. You choose what you are willing to live with.

I prayed on this post to guide me on what I should say. It was not easy on me and at times hurt with sadness. I truly believe in love. I care for you and I understand the dark life and with help I want to hold your hand and be there. Someone out there cares for you even when life is lonely. I learned though my dark times you really can't do it on your own. So you will need to put your guard down and ask for support. Support has been there all along and you just need to reach out and embrace it.  Life is love and life is responsibility!! Take care, Peace!!

I'm a Work in Progress!!

I haven't gotten this far in my enlightenment by myself. I have surrounded myself by good people in my life. We can be selfish in what we want for ourselves but we also need to have good support from the people around us. You as an individual need to help yourself and have a strong moral foundation before you can start helping others.

I have picked my own broken self off the ground may of times in my lifetime. Sometimes I didn't know if I could pick myself back up. It was a struggle. It was pure uncontrollable pain of self despair. I don't know how many times I had to convince myself to keep moving forward. I found hope in my heart even though I didn't believe it. Somewhere deep down in my soul I got the strength to keep going. To keep the hope within my life I had to fight my self doubt I could be happy someday. Someday I can be happy. Someday my dreams can come true. Someday I will understand what love feels like. It was something I held onto even if I was afraid to trust it.

There are many good people in this world. I know it's hard trusting in yourself let alone trust in other people when you're in a state like that. Feeling damaged and changing your situation is the hardest thing you can do. I know I fought changing and giving up some of the control a very hard thing to do. It took me years to finally realize I had to change my outlook in life. I had to start trusting people who truly wanted to support me on my emotional healing. It was hard and it took me along time to just give trust a try.

Now I understand I have gotten to a place in my life where I can look back and learn from it. I learned no matter how hard you try to carry on with life it's hard work. You work on your life. If things are not the way you want them so go change it. I will keep working on my life. I will try and make good judgements and decisions to better my emotional self. If I make a mistake then I'll pick myself back up and start over again. I will learn and make things better. You do what you have to do with what you have at the time. Sometimes it's not going to be easy but knowing you are working towards a healing soul then it's all worth it in the end you made progress to achieve happiness.

I was lifted up by the people I surround myself with. I lean when I need to and I express my feelings when life gets hard. I ask for help and I ask for people to listen. I read books and get inspirational advice and to keep me moving forward. I don't know about you, struggling with life is exhausting, tiring and energy draining. I don't want that. I just know I learned about what I want in life. I learned what makes me happy and I also learned who I want to become. I learned to get to know..me!!

Getting to know who you are will give you a better understanding of what you emotionally need and want. It's a progress and sometimes I just didn't want to work on the effort because it's sometimes hard looking into yourself and see all the mess within you. My inner soul was ugly and I had a hard road a head of me but slowly I worked on myself. When it got difficult to face I gave myself a break and worked on other things and then came back to the most difficult situations I couldn't get passed. Slowly over time things didn't hurt as much, things started to look better. Learning to just let go was hard for me. It's hard when that's the only thing you know how to survive but I saw what I could have and it give me a better understanding I can do this. The pain of healing is a lot better than the pain from self destruction. You slowly learn to love yourself and when you do you realize life starts awaking for you like watching a flower bloom. It's beautiful.

It's the best peaceful and emotional part of wanting a better life. It's like looking at the world with different new eyes and coming out of the dark is amazing. It's like going outside and feeling the sun on your face for the first time and breathing the fresh air. How refreshing it feels. You walk with confidence knowing you can conquer anything you put your mind to. That's life and a pure blessing!! Take care, Peace!!

Songs that define my life the easy way!!

So I've been on some music train the last few days. I was thinking last night what three songs would sum up who I am about. It was a difficult choice because I love all kinds of music and the choices were hard but I managed to do it. There are some I want to share but maybe in another post sometime later.

I choose these three because they have meaning to me in a way I can't explain but I'll try. The first song was easy because I had many nights just playing this song over and over again. I get inspired by this song. When I was hurting like crazy, crying with sorrow in my heart, not feeling like I can move forward I would put this song on and feel like I can just survive. I really was just surviving and trying to figure out my life. I had many sleepless nights of trying to make sense of the life I was given. I was a lost soul. This song gave me strength put one foot forward. Here's Hero by Mariah Carey. Enjoy!!


The next song is from Brittany Spears. I love this song because my heart has been hurt many times by the people who were supposed to love me and protect me. I lost all faith with the matters of the heart and I just wanted a chance so be patient with me. Love took time for me to believe in. I was a damaged soul who just needed the chance to grow and flourish. Enjoy!!!



The last song gives me inspiration. The need to be raised up from all that pain. I so relate to his song. I had many nights just listening to this song. I just love it. I know how it feels to have no hope. I understand when you have no where to go. There are people in my life I thank because I had many days where I'm thankful they raised me up to see I was worth it. I was worth living to them and I was special to be here. There were days in my life I just couldn't bare feeling the hurt, sorrow and pain. I was emotionally broken. I thought my parents killed my soul and their were days I just didn't know if I could do it. I didn't know if I could deal with all the pain. I didn't want to kill myself but I didn't know if I had any strength left to live. It was a very difficult time in my life. It's not some place I ever want to go back too. I learned so much about myself from that time in my life. I've been to hell and back and I'm grateful for all the support I've gotten over the years from my friends. This songs raises me up. Here's Josh Groban You raise me up. Enjoy!!



So those are the three songs I would have to sum up who I am. I am a hero with in myself, I need sometime to come around and I've been raised up by the people who love me. Enjoy the love you have within you. Take care, Peace!!

Alcoholism!!!

It took me to stop drinking alcohol by fracturing my left arm tripping over a bench. That's right, I broke my arm tripping over a bench. That's me!! I was at my husbands work holiday function in January 2003 and had a few drinks and went outside to have a smoke. I didn't see the bench until it was too late with me lying on the cold ground. I was embarrassed and ashamed because I try to keep myself self composed out in public especially when it came to my husbands work related functions. I don't really want to be known as that girl. You know who I'm talking about. That one person who drinks a little too much at parties and makes a complete ass out of themselves well for me I was that girl for that night but at least, there were only a few people outside when I did it but still I humiliated myself. So I quit drinking. I decided in my heart I really can't just have one drink. I wish I could have one drink like a normal person. I didn't need an intervention or a 12 step program to stop drinking. I just made the hard decision to not have that one drink. For me that one drink leads to another and another until I become drunk. Like I used to say "I'm not drunk, I'm just buzzin'". For me it was an excuse thinking I could handle just having one more. When I quit drinking I thought it would hard to be around other people who were drinking but really it didn't bother me. I was an adult and new just because I CHOOSE to not drink doesn't mean they couldn't. I came to realize living dry as I put it made me look closer to my inner self. I really didn't like myself when I drank. I've done things which broke my own inner heart and for along time it ate me up inside. I couldn't forgive myself for what I did when I drank. I love the social part of drinking, going to bars, hanging with my friends and having a good time but it always got overshadowed by the stupid shit I used to do after I was drunk. For me, I was never the serial free love kind of girl or didn't want to be. I just didn't want to give myself to any guy who gave me the slightest attention but you know what? I was that girl who just gave it up when I was over the limit of alcohol and my guard was down, my morals and values were out the door to the point of no return. That's what alcohol did to me. My moral compass got shot after I had too many drinks and I had fun without no consequences. It was what it was. Stupid!!! I also became a serial cheater on my hubby when we weren't married yet. I justified cheating on I was lonely and our relationship was long distance but really I didn't have proper judgement when I was drinking. Nope, no good judgment. I'm not a serial cheater in my heart but I became one. I became someone I didn't want to be. Why would I cheat on someone I loved who I wanted to be with? I don't have the answer because it got clouded by alcohol. If I wasn't an alcoholic back then I wouldn't have cheated and that's fact. I never slept with someone when I was sober and the relationship I had with my husband's best friend wasn't a sexual relationship and yes, I cheated emotionally and sometimes some people find that harder to forgive then just cheating by one night stands of pure lustful sex. Cheating is cheating when you're not fully with your significant other and like I said, my husband forgave me for that. Some of the guys I don't regret sleeping with. Some of them were friends like you would call with benefits, the booty call kind of way. I cared for some of them and it was what it was. Now, most of them I could just forget about. I could pass this time in my life where I was just experimenting but I was in a relationship and it doesn't make it right. I really had two major relationships in my life. The first one I was in for 7.5 years which didn't work out because of abuse and it wasn't that great and my relationship with my hubby. I love my hubby and I'm glad he never gave up on me even when I told him the truth. For me to get better I had to let him know what happened. I couldn't go on being with him based on a lie. I could never heal my heart and be the better person who I believed I wanted to be if I didn't tell him of the cheating. For me, I couldn't be with him knowing I had this secret. A secret of infidelity he should know about before we got married. It took time and I worked my butt off to make him understand I loved him and wanted to be with only him. That's why I believe in my marriage vows so much and I truly believe them and it's why I'm still embarrassed of the things I did when I was drunk. I will never cheat on him. I couldn't, and wouldn't put myself in a situation where their is temptation to do so. That part of my life is over and I understand the ramifications of the consequences of the affects of cheating. I don't ever want to re-live that part of my life again. Now I'm slowly healing my heart, healing that part of my soul I destroyed by drinking. I went into a depression after I came to realize I don't want that life. Why would I allow myself to self destruct like that? Lots of factors on self destruction but one thing I could change was to stop drinking. I had the choice to at least, do that! I really don't want to be that person. Drinking for me only leads to unwanted drama neither I was causing it or someone else. It's really not worth it. Now yes, I have had alcohol since then but it's been more in a controlled environment. My hubby and I drink wine at night together but not in access to the point I can't function. I'm also not drinking to hide and run away from my inner demons anymore. I still believe I'm an alcoholic but at least I know I have a limit and I'm aware I just can't have that one drink!! Take care, Peace!!

Writers Block!!

I've been wanting to write for awhile now but I can't figure out what to write about. Then I thought I would write about Anxiety. You write what you know so it would be a good topic but then I didn't know what to say on this topic but "I have some of that!!" So while I was doing laundry yesterday I was trying to dig up idea's and nothing. Nothing so I just figured I would just talk about this and just go with it. It's not like I don't have anything on my mind because most of the time I live in my head but really do I want to write about that? Not really. I have been thinking of ending this blog for awhile but I just don't know. Decisions I'll be making in the next few weeks. I don't know. It's not like writing takes a lot of effort or time because I can make time but when you have writers block it's just hard figuring out what to talk about. Maybe I'm just lost right now and the inspiration isn't flowing right now. Who knows, but what can I do when I have nothing? NOTHING!!! Take care, Peace!!!

Things are lost!!

I lost my cell phone yesterday and I'm really bummed more than I should be. I'm in a panic because I have photo's of my children on that phone. My hubby called the phone thinking it was in the house somewhere and it went to voice mail which is weird because I never turn the thing off and I always made sure it had full battery power. It's somewhere and I want it back. We only went to one place yesterday and the hubby went back to the store today and no one found it. I know it's just a phone BUT MY KIDS PICTURES ARE ON IT and some stranger could have it which makes me panic even more. I don't want some stranger looking at pictures of my kids and I don't want to think about some stranger looking at pictures of my kids because it just freaks me out. I try to protect my kids and that's why I will never post any kid pictures on this blog because really I don't know a large percentage of people who read my little blog and no offense I have a small circle of family and friends who I trust but not so much strangers on the Internet. The hubby disconnected my phone last night so whoever has it couldn't use it and I'm just praying it will be returned to me safely. So I'm without one of my lifelines. It's a fixture of my being and I feel safe with it knowing if I need to call someone here it is beside me. Okay, little dramatic but hey, that's just me. Take care, Peace!!!