I GOT TO SEE CHRIS TOMLIN..........TWICE!! Music is my happy place. When life hurts I turn to music and I allow it to swallow me whole. I have surrounded myself with music so it be on my phone, my computer, and in my car and when I can't handle my difficulties I put on my headphones and I surrender myself to let my pain listen.
I would have to say I have leaned more onto Chris Tomlin's music the most. I have been blessed to see him in Concert twice and the last time I was so close I could hear him breath. That's not creepy or anything but I had an awesome seat and the night was amazing.
The last few months have been great because I've had more dates with my husband during the day while the kids have been in school. It's been difficult for my whole family and we got each other and no matter what this Church throws at us we're together and our family will always come first.
Music has helped with my brokenness and I turn to it so I can remember what happiness looks like. So I can remember all the good in the world and remember all the good times I had. This year has thrown me some massive shit and I kid you not it has hurt as hell. I have been emotionally beaten this year and I'm ready for a vacation, a White Flag moment to regroup cause I've been getting hit in the crossfire. Talk about Causality of War so yes, I need a break from all that stuff.
Oh Well, my music is bringing me to where I'm supposed to be not where other people think I should be. I'm on solid ground today because I'm in my happy place. Take care, Peace!
Showing posts with label inner peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inner peace. Show all posts
May 21, 2013
August 27, 2012
This is for my Dad!
Dear Dad,
This letter has been along time coming and for the last couple of months it's been a focus on my heart to reach out and say something. I know when I walked out of your life the summer of 2001 I knew my life would be different. I chose to end a relationship with my father and it hurt me deeply because I lost you as my Dad. I walked away for a life I knew I deserved but didn't know if I was truly worthy of it.
I had to save myself from the hurt, the pain and the feeling that I was chancing a dream that I would never get from you. It needed to end, the abuse and the struggle by the lack of emotional emptiness I was getting from you. All I ever wanted was to be loved by you like one's father loves his daughter. For that reason, I had to say goodbye.
When I left your life I was emotionally broken and I had to learn to live without you. I had to look at my life differently and when people asked about you it was difficult to explain I have a Father but he's not in my life anymore.
This morning my prayer was answered and I was given words to express my longing to communicate with you. By words of faith that Jesus lives in me and through his grace I'm forgiving you and love you just how Jesus loves me and has forgiving me of my sins. 1John 4:10-12 This is Love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
The love of God changes people and he is changing me and I know that I'm a princess/daughter of the Highest King like you are a prince/son of the same Highest King. Hebrews 12:2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter, of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
I found my life in Jesus and I embraced his open arms and through his transformation of my heart I know I'm worthy. I also know through Jesus I Am God-Designed, Purpose-Intended, Significant, Lavishly-Loved, Princess/Daughter of the King of the Universe.
This is for God's glory and I'm praising him for giving me the strength to be set free from the chains I put within my heart that bound me up by the notion of rejection by you. I truly love you and you may not be in my life any longer but I hope you have a great life and you find peace within you.
Much Love,
Darlene
This letter has been along time coming and for the last couple of months it's been a focus on my heart to reach out and say something. I know when I walked out of your life the summer of 2001 I knew my life would be different. I chose to end a relationship with my father and it hurt me deeply because I lost you as my Dad. I walked away for a life I knew I deserved but didn't know if I was truly worthy of it.
I had to save myself from the hurt, the pain and the feeling that I was chancing a dream that I would never get from you. It needed to end, the abuse and the struggle by the lack of emotional emptiness I was getting from you. All I ever wanted was to be loved by you like one's father loves his daughter. For that reason, I had to say goodbye.
When I left your life I was emotionally broken and I had to learn to live without you. I had to look at my life differently and when people asked about you it was difficult to explain I have a Father but he's not in my life anymore.
This morning my prayer was answered and I was given words to express my longing to communicate with you. By words of faith that Jesus lives in me and through his grace I'm forgiving you and love you just how Jesus loves me and has forgiving me of my sins. 1John 4:10-12 This is Love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
The love of God changes people and he is changing me and I know that I'm a princess/daughter of the Highest King like you are a prince/son of the same Highest King. Hebrews 12:2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter, of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
I found my life in Jesus and I embraced his open arms and through his transformation of my heart I know I'm worthy. I also know through Jesus I Am God-Designed, Purpose-Intended, Significant, Lavishly-Loved, Princess/Daughter of the King of the Universe.
This is for God's glory and I'm praising him for giving me the strength to be set free from the chains I put within my heart that bound me up by the notion of rejection by you. I truly love you and you may not be in my life any longer but I hope you have a great life and you find peace within you.
Much Love,
Darlene
September 7, 2011
Life is slowly moving!
A week can make a girl feel special and my family vacation did just that. I guess I needed to be in the middle of no where in a tent for a few days to unwind and relax with the family. The kids were great in the car drive seeing how we were all cramped in a full car packed with everything we could need to go camping in our Grand Prix which by the way my husband and I realized we out grew our car on this trip. Someone will be researching SUV's soon which means that's me. Our 5 hour car ride was great. Buying one of those portable DVD players was a great investment and we had two happy kids and two happy parents. We left home at 5:30am so we could get to our campsite so we could relax and set up camp before it got too late.
We ended up buying all the gear for fishing. My 6 year old daughter loved fishing and caught a few. My 4 year old fished for about 5 minutes and then he was done. He didn't last long and it was a joy to sit still, be quiet and just look at the beauty of nature. It was quite inspiring and peaceful. The kids had some moments but what kid doesn't and overall spending a quiet peaceful vacation is what we needed. The kids thought our tent was cool and didn't mind sleeping in sleeping bags. I was a human Popsicle the first night because it got so cold but after that we all were warm and it was nice. I wish we could have stayed longer but our beautiful daughter started school yesterday.
We left Sunday for our drive back home but not without some drama. I ended up getting sick like vomiting. About 2 hours in my Husband flagged over EMT's and I was driven to a Local Hospital in an ambulance. I was hooked up to IV's and I waited in the waiting room. Then I got worse with vomiting up blood. I was not in good shape. When I was finally called to an ER room I was hooked up to various machines, had various tests done, and after hours of tests and more tests, given drugs to make me feel better, the vomiting stopped and the Doctor told me to contact my own Doctor about my heart and he sent me on my merry way. In the meantime my husband and children stayed at a nearby Hotel for the Night because we were far from home. The kids loved the hotel stay and I got to go back in the morning and take a nice long hot shower before we took our journey home once again.
Tuesday arrived bright and early and we said goodbye to our first grader and I'm happy to say she will have a great school year of many possibilities. I did enjoy the house of peacefulness with only one child at home but when I went to pick up the daughter at the bus stop the loudness came back and life was normal again.
We had such a great family vacation in a few weeks we're going on a mini trip again to enjoy our family once again. We will be going to Forks, Washington this time. I just want to say I went to Forks and La Push. I may tell you if I met Edward and Bella Cullen's or meet any Vampires. That's funny!! I realized our family needs these kinda trips. We need going away from our daily lives to explore what life has to offer and it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. I got a lot out of life this past weekend. It was needed especially when life is hard with medical problems to just enjoy what's important and to me that's spending time with my family. It was nice seeing life through my kids eyes and the excitement of exploring something new with them.
My health is what it is and I just need the patience to endure until my body figures out how to function right. I made an appointment to see my Doctor next week and I'll be asking for a plan so I can get my life back to some normalcy.
This week I have great reason to celebrate and also mourn the 10th anniversary of 9/11. My Church is launching a book of 7 testimonies of life stories of people from our church. I can't wait and I'll be praying and thinking of the lives lost. Take care, Peace!! Jesus died for all Sin including yours!!
We ended up buying all the gear for fishing. My 6 year old daughter loved fishing and caught a few. My 4 year old fished for about 5 minutes and then he was done. He didn't last long and it was a joy to sit still, be quiet and just look at the beauty of nature. It was quite inspiring and peaceful. The kids had some moments but what kid doesn't and overall spending a quiet peaceful vacation is what we needed. The kids thought our tent was cool and didn't mind sleeping in sleeping bags. I was a human Popsicle the first night because it got so cold but after that we all were warm and it was nice. I wish we could have stayed longer but our beautiful daughter started school yesterday.
We left Sunday for our drive back home but not without some drama. I ended up getting sick like vomiting. About 2 hours in my Husband flagged over EMT's and I was driven to a Local Hospital in an ambulance. I was hooked up to IV's and I waited in the waiting room. Then I got worse with vomiting up blood. I was not in good shape. When I was finally called to an ER room I was hooked up to various machines, had various tests done, and after hours of tests and more tests, given drugs to make me feel better, the vomiting stopped and the Doctor told me to contact my own Doctor about my heart and he sent me on my merry way. In the meantime my husband and children stayed at a nearby Hotel for the Night because we were far from home. The kids loved the hotel stay and I got to go back in the morning and take a nice long hot shower before we took our journey home once again.
Tuesday arrived bright and early and we said goodbye to our first grader and I'm happy to say she will have a great school year of many possibilities. I did enjoy the house of peacefulness with only one child at home but when I went to pick up the daughter at the bus stop the loudness came back and life was normal again.
We had such a great family vacation in a few weeks we're going on a mini trip again to enjoy our family once again. We will be going to Forks, Washington this time. I just want to say I went to Forks and La Push. I may tell you if I met Edward and Bella Cullen's or meet any Vampires. That's funny!! I realized our family needs these kinda trips. We need going away from our daily lives to explore what life has to offer and it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. I got a lot out of life this past weekend. It was needed especially when life is hard with medical problems to just enjoy what's important and to me that's spending time with my family. It was nice seeing life through my kids eyes and the excitement of exploring something new with them.
My health is what it is and I just need the patience to endure until my body figures out how to function right. I made an appointment to see my Doctor next week and I'll be asking for a plan so I can get my life back to some normalcy.
This week I have great reason to celebrate and also mourn the 10th anniversary of 9/11. My Church is launching a book of 7 testimonies of life stories of people from our church. I can't wait and I'll be praying and thinking of the lives lost. Take care, Peace!! Jesus died for all Sin including yours!!
March 4, 2011
Happy March!!
So it's March, and this month I have lots of wonderful things happening. My daughter turns 6 at the end of this month. I'm doing to make an effort to enjoy my life. Things that I've been dealing with I'm just doing to just deal with, make choices I know is right for me and move on. I've been making my decisions really hard but really, they are not that hard to make. I do agree with something I just make it right and then move on. There, I made a decision.
Making life easy is a frame of mind so it's going to be a good month because I'm going to chose to make this month go smoothly by doing what's right for me plus I'm going to see Chris Tomlin in Concert on April 14th. It can't get better than that!!
Tomorrow I'm getting two Christian CD's I ordered last week and I'm excited about those. I know this world is in chaos and I know it sucks but I'm not going to let it get to my heart. I'll do what I need to do to do whatever I can, donate where I think my time and money should go and just keep my spirits up so I don't get pulled into a depression just because I care too much.
I'm learning so much and it's great. Never lower yourself to please someone else because you just suffer in the end. Take care, Peace!!!
Making life easy is a frame of mind so it's going to be a good month because I'm going to chose to make this month go smoothly by doing what's right for me plus I'm going to see Chris Tomlin in Concert on April 14th. It can't get better than that!!
Tomorrow I'm getting two Christian CD's I ordered last week and I'm excited about those. I know this world is in chaos and I know it sucks but I'm not going to let it get to my heart. I'll do what I need to do to do whatever I can, donate where I think my time and money should go and just keep my spirits up so I don't get pulled into a depression just because I care too much.
I'm learning so much and it's great. Never lower yourself to please someone else because you just suffer in the end. Take care, Peace!!!
February 25, 2011
Patience!!
So a few weeks ago I hit a brick wall and everything I was going through the last several months came crashing down on my head. I just couldn't handle the way my life was going. I felt I was going down a path on my journey that I didn't feel was my path.
I waited and I listened to my heart and the other day my husband made a suggestion to one of my spiritual problems He made a suggestion to me that I think will work in dealing with our new church. We can serve and at the same time get our spiritual needs met by going to a different church on a different day to fill the need within me. I kinda like the idea. So this is a compromise to a situation I felt conflicted about.
I just needed patience to believe an answer was out there. I needed to understand my answers were not going to come like that day and now I feel better knowing I can serve our church and get the food at the same time. If that means we have to go to another church to do so then that's what my family needs to do for awhile.
I have done a few things around the house to calm my nerves about the chaos within my home. I've given our family room a little face lift and now the weather is getting better I have a plan to de-clutter my home.
It's been great now my energy level has been getting better I can keep up with the daily up keep of the home and it's made me less stressed. The laundry hasn't been piling up each week and it only takes me an hour just to tidy the house up which a few years ago it would take me all week to do. Of course, I'm not 100% there but if I keep moving forward my home will be the way I want it in a few months. That's nice!! That's peaceful so I can concentrate on important things in life like the world around me. Take care, Peace!!
I waited and I listened to my heart and the other day my husband made a suggestion to one of my spiritual problems He made a suggestion to me that I think will work in dealing with our new church. We can serve and at the same time get our spiritual needs met by going to a different church on a different day to fill the need within me. I kinda like the idea. So this is a compromise to a situation I felt conflicted about.
I just needed patience to believe an answer was out there. I needed to understand my answers were not going to come like that day and now I feel better knowing I can serve our church and get the food at the same time. If that means we have to go to another church to do so then that's what my family needs to do for awhile.
I have done a few things around the house to calm my nerves about the chaos within my home. I've given our family room a little face lift and now the weather is getting better I have a plan to de-clutter my home.
It's been great now my energy level has been getting better I can keep up with the daily up keep of the home and it's made me less stressed. The laundry hasn't been piling up each week and it only takes me an hour just to tidy the house up which a few years ago it would take me all week to do. Of course, I'm not 100% there but if I keep moving forward my home will be the way I want it in a few months. That's nice!! That's peaceful so I can concentrate on important things in life like the world around me. Take care, Peace!!
February 9, 2011
Be who you are!!
The last several months something was really bothering me but I couldn't put my finger on it. It was heavy on my heart but I couldn't figure it out. I thought it was all due to my winter blues and I passed it off but each week would go by I knew something was not quite right until last weekend when it all came to a head and everything poured out.
I know who I am and I live my life in a way that's best for me but it's not always shown to the world in a way that I tend to express myself so new people think I'm this other person but I'm not what they think of me. So when my husband jumped head first into our new church back in October he was excited and the launch team got to know him, got to hear his faith and got to understand him but I felt like they didn't know me and I was pushed along on his coat tails on his faith, on his likeness and the whole time I felt I was living like someone I wasn't. I know who I am and where I stand but I felt like they saw me through him. That's how I felt even if my assumption was correct or not. I felt used like all I was too this new launch team was another head to take care of the children of the church when I felt I needed to be in the Church growing my faith then to serve it.
I think these last few months have been going to fast for me and it had caught up to me. I'm just not ready right now. I need people to see me not what they think of me through what my husband has done. Our faiths are totally different, we need different things but the end goal is the same. My approach to life is way different then my husbands because the way we were brought up in life. So when we got more involved with the church I was feeling pushed into something I wasn't ready to do but felt obliged into serving the church because of my kids and the excitement of my husband.
I was feeling fake like this wasn't me and I wanted to be excited and I wanted to trust what was happening but the more I just let it go on its own path the more it bothered me, the more I saw things weren't right for me. This wasn't my journey. The talk I had with my husband this past weekend we realized what we need to do as a family in our own home but we haven't figured out what to do about the church. It's not like I want to just up and leave the church because I think I still need the church. I'm just going to be true to myself and be who I'm supposed to be then an image of what people think I am.
I feel better in knowing I was true to myself in knowing what was bothering me. I stood up for me. I enjoy my journey but sometimes you go down a path that was never meant for you. It's high time I get back on my own. Life's too short to not be yourself. Take care, Peace!!
I know who I am and I live my life in a way that's best for me but it's not always shown to the world in a way that I tend to express myself so new people think I'm this other person but I'm not what they think of me. So when my husband jumped head first into our new church back in October he was excited and the launch team got to know him, got to hear his faith and got to understand him but I felt like they didn't know me and I was pushed along on his coat tails on his faith, on his likeness and the whole time I felt I was living like someone I wasn't. I know who I am and where I stand but I felt like they saw me through him. That's how I felt even if my assumption was correct or not. I felt used like all I was too this new launch team was another head to take care of the children of the church when I felt I needed to be in the Church growing my faith then to serve it.
I think these last few months have been going to fast for me and it had caught up to me. I'm just not ready right now. I need people to see me not what they think of me through what my husband has done. Our faiths are totally different, we need different things but the end goal is the same. My approach to life is way different then my husbands because the way we were brought up in life. So when we got more involved with the church I was feeling pushed into something I wasn't ready to do but felt obliged into serving the church because of my kids and the excitement of my husband.
I was feeling fake like this wasn't me and I wanted to be excited and I wanted to trust what was happening but the more I just let it go on its own path the more it bothered me, the more I saw things weren't right for me. This wasn't my journey. The talk I had with my husband this past weekend we realized what we need to do as a family in our own home but we haven't figured out what to do about the church. It's not like I want to just up and leave the church because I think I still need the church. I'm just going to be true to myself and be who I'm supposed to be then an image of what people think I am.
I feel better in knowing I was true to myself in knowing what was bothering me. I stood up for me. I enjoy my journey but sometimes you go down a path that was never meant for you. It's high time I get back on my own. Life's too short to not be yourself. Take care, Peace!!
February 4, 2011
Follow your Heart!!
So last night I got out of my comfort zone and wrote an email to my Pastor. It was a difficult task and there were a few moments where I just wanted to delete the email but I've been feeling unrested for awhile. I had the nagging feeling for awhile so last night I just went for it and my heart felt it was going to jump out of my chest when I pushed the send button but I did it. Now if I make it to Church on Sunday I think I'm moving forward and if I chicken out I will have taken a step backwards. I normally don't like going beyond my comfort zone. I feel safe with this blog so that doesn't count.
I'm kinda proud of myself really. I felt like I was being misunderstood and my husband is the more outgoing type and he just went head first into the launch of the new Church while I was just going on the ride of his excitement. I support my husband and he's helping the production team and is very busy serving the Church and I'm just the babysitter. So I had to say how I felt. I'm not my husband who is outgoing and can meet people and feel comfortable in his surroundings. I'm the shy, quiet person who has a hard time just going up to someone and having a conversation with them. I would rather blend in the crowd then be in the spotlight. I may be my husbands wife but our stories are totally different and I just felt like I was being compared has a married couple but not the individual.
I've been feeling left behind like I didn't need the service but be doing the serving. My relationship with God is new and I'm learning. I still have along ways to go and I don't feel like being pushed to fast into a world I'm not totally comfortable being in just yet. I got a lot of burden within my heart.
So I took the leap and sent that very hard emotional email and time will tell if it was worth it. Now I just need the courage to get my butt into Church Sunday. Take care, Peace!!
I'm kinda proud of myself really. I felt like I was being misunderstood and my husband is the more outgoing type and he just went head first into the launch of the new Church while I was just going on the ride of his excitement. I support my husband and he's helping the production team and is very busy serving the Church and I'm just the babysitter. So I had to say how I felt. I'm not my husband who is outgoing and can meet people and feel comfortable in his surroundings. I'm the shy, quiet person who has a hard time just going up to someone and having a conversation with them. I would rather blend in the crowd then be in the spotlight. I may be my husbands wife but our stories are totally different and I just felt like I was being compared has a married couple but not the individual.
I've been feeling left behind like I didn't need the service but be doing the serving. My relationship with God is new and I'm learning. I still have along ways to go and I don't feel like being pushed to fast into a world I'm not totally comfortable being in just yet. I got a lot of burden within my heart.
So I took the leap and sent that very hard emotional email and time will tell if it was worth it. Now I just need the courage to get my butt into Church Sunday. Take care, Peace!!
January 18, 2011
Is this the end of the road?
I've been thinking about ending this blog. I have no inspiration to chat, bitch or write about anything. I had great idea's of things I wanted to talk about but then I would get mad. I've been getting mad a lot lately and it's so hard to keep my mouth shut because I have a lot to say but actually writing my thoughts in a respectful matter without writing this person is a dumbass is quiet hard so I haven't been writing because I'm trying to be a respectful person and frankly it's hard. I want to slap so many people upside the head it's not funny.
I keep saying I woke up and the world has gone mad. How am I going to raise my kids where my being is being challenged and to raise them in a world where life doesn't make sense? It's going to be work and at ever turn the more they get older I will have to challenge the crazy society we live in and whatever it will throw at them. I'm always thinking of my kids. It's always about my kids.
It's not that I want my kids to live without hardship because I think that's part of life but I want them to understand with a moral foundation of love and acceptance with out hurting their integrity.
Maybe I should change my thought process when I read the news or when I read an article a friend has posted on Facebook because lately I just shake my head and profanities just come out in my head. It's quite sad really our humanity has gone this far with little care and understanding of each others uniqueness. If only people would just stop and see the diversity as a blessing rather than a hindrance.
Why is it when you have an opinion someone doesn't like it neither turns into you're a racist, a hate monger, you're misinformed etc etc? When you resort to ignorance to make a point you have already lost your argument.
I just know I'm not going to be quiet and I'm going to stand up for what's right which means I'll stand with my friends and stand up for people I don't agree with because love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
So as much as I want to slap so many people upside the head I know that's not the answer so I'll just shower them with hugs and kisses and tell them they are loved. We are worthly and so is my blog so I will stick around a little longer. Take care, Peace!!
I keep saying I woke up and the world has gone mad. How am I going to raise my kids where my being is being challenged and to raise them in a world where life doesn't make sense? It's going to be work and at ever turn the more they get older I will have to challenge the crazy society we live in and whatever it will throw at them. I'm always thinking of my kids. It's always about my kids.
It's not that I want my kids to live without hardship because I think that's part of life but I want them to understand with a moral foundation of love and acceptance with out hurting their integrity.
Maybe I should change my thought process when I read the news or when I read an article a friend has posted on Facebook because lately I just shake my head and profanities just come out in my head. It's quite sad really our humanity has gone this far with little care and understanding of each others uniqueness. If only people would just stop and see the diversity as a blessing rather than a hindrance.
Why is it when you have an opinion someone doesn't like it neither turns into you're a racist, a hate monger, you're misinformed etc etc? When you resort to ignorance to make a point you have already lost your argument.
I just know I'm not going to be quiet and I'm going to stand up for what's right which means I'll stand with my friends and stand up for people I don't agree with because love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
So as much as I want to slap so many people upside the head I know that's not the answer so I'll just shower them with hugs and kisses and tell them they are loved. We are worthly and so is my blog so I will stick around a little longer. Take care, Peace!!
December 7, 2010
Self Pity has left the building!!
I'm going to make the effort to not be let down by life. The last few weeks have been a drain on my soul. I was struggling to figure out things and old habits were creeping up that I had to challenge my being and I won. I wouldn't call it silly but the way I was behaving I really don't want to be like that. It's not who I am or want to be so I fought hard and I'm thinking clearer now.
The next few weeks are going to be magical and it's my job to make my children feel the wonderful feeling of giving then the whole commercializing aspect of Christmas. Simple yet special. My kids had a blast at Toys R Us this past weekend. They both picked out gifts for Toys for Tots with no tantrums of not getting any gifts for themselves. It was nice seeing their happy faces picking out gifts they wanted to donate and I was surprised of their choices. It makes a mother proud. We're also doing other things this year I would talk about but that's between my family and God.
Life is good and I'm thinking clearly and feel good, not well but good. The warmth of love I'm surrounded by gives me hope we can survive anything. I'll rather be poor and happy then controlled with entitlements. Give because you want too not because you feel you have too!! Take care, Peace!!
The next few weeks are going to be magical and it's my job to make my children feel the wonderful feeling of giving then the whole commercializing aspect of Christmas. Simple yet special. My kids had a blast at Toys R Us this past weekend. They both picked out gifts for Toys for Tots with no tantrums of not getting any gifts for themselves. It was nice seeing their happy faces picking out gifts they wanted to donate and I was surprised of their choices. It makes a mother proud. We're also doing other things this year I would talk about but that's between my family and God.
Life is good and I'm thinking clearly and feel good, not well but good. The warmth of love I'm surrounded by gives me hope we can survive anything. I'll rather be poor and happy then controlled with entitlements. Give because you want too not because you feel you have too!! Take care, Peace!!
November 18, 2010
My vacation!!
Well I think I'm in love with the Atlantis in Reno. http://www.atlantiscasino.com/ My husband and I just got back from an Awesome vacation to Reno to celebrate our 8 year wedding anniversary. The trip only lasted 3 days because that's all I can handle being away from my wild crazy beautiful kids. It was a much needed getaway and I so needed it.
On Monday morning we left for the airport around 5am. With all the horror surrounding the TSA agents and security when I went through was kinda boring but then again I only had a small purse with barely anything in it and I didn't have to take that much off to go through security. It was just me and my boarding pass with Identification. I always go light because I'm nice that way.
We ended up having breakfast at the Airport and I swear the lady gave me cream for my coffee because I'll just say this being Lactose Intolerant isn't fun when you travel and thank heavens for bathrooms...enough said and I can tell you this....I made my flight.
We got to Reno super early so our room wasn't ready. The weather was warm and sunny the whole time we were there. It's better than rain. The Room was beautiful and so big. I would post a picture of the room but I don't have mine developed yet and I could take one from the resorts website but I don't want to be sued. If you go to the Altantis Website you can see room photos. The rooms were so nice. In the afternoon we took a nap. How nice that was...so wonderful!! I did get kinda drunk Monday night with free drinks when you gamble. I had 4 corona's but it wasn't that kinda night where I had a date with the toilet. I just ended up sleeping good. I was a little green in the morning but you know it's all good!!
Tuesday we just got up when we got up which was nice. I didn't have to think about anyone but myself and for a mother that was pretty sweet. We ended up walking down to the Black Bear Diner http://www.blackbeardiner.com/ and the food was great and I had their Thick-Cut Smoked Bacon and Eggs...so good!! We even bought our kids some long johns there in the gift shop. After lunch we headed across the street to watch a movie. We went and saw Megamind in 3D. Our kids are a little too young for this movie so I'm glad we saw it first.
We had some time before Dinner which we got reservations for the Bistro Napa for our Anniversary Dinner. The Bistro Napa is concerned Casual Fine-Dining.
Here's there write up :Winner of Wine Spectator's “Award of Excellence!”
Inspired by Napa Valley...great wine, cozy atmosphere, unique & delicious entrées. It's taking Reno places it's never been before. From wood-fired baby artichokes and Kurobuta pork chops to truffled potato chips and sesame hummus. We've stepped out of the expected and created the extraordinary. This is a dining experience you won't soon forget, combining fresh quality ingredients and culinary artistry with a 4,000 bottle wine cellar and you have the newest "It" place to dine in northern Nevada. Let our sommelier help you pair the perfect wine to complete your award-winning gourmet meal.
It was an experience I will never forget. The service was outstanding. We ordered the Bistro Cioppino-Spicy Tomato Saffron Broth, Fresh Fish, King Crab, Clams, Shrimp, Scallops and I'm not much of a seafood kinda gal but I also wanted to try something new and this sounded to die for. The saffron broth you could just eat alone with bread. Everything tasted fresh and melted in your mouth. I haven't had a meal like this EVER!! I felt pampered and I will never forget this dinner. I was blown away by the service, the food and the wonderful experience. If I can ever afford to eat there again I will.
My husband and I don't gamble to win so we gave ourselves a budget and just had a good time. We won some and we lost lots but it was enough to entertain ourselves while we were there. We kinda stayed up to late on Tuesday night by watching re-runs of CSI-NY but that's vacation for you.
Our last day we took our time checking out but we also had a few hours to kill before our flight home so we gambled some more and left feeling relaxed and refreshed. When we got to the airport our flight was delayed for an hour and there's not much you can do in Reno's airport then sit and gamble waiting for your flight. So we sat and gambled some more on the Sex and the City machine and we walked away with some easy money. The perfect way to end our trip.
I'm glad to be home with my kids and the flight home was a little turbulent and my brain likes to go places it shouldn't and my husband made a point by saying God wouldn't give us a good payday and then crash the plane. That would have been messed up!! Like.... You won big but sorry sucka's!!
Well I think I need to make this trip more often and this trip brought some perspective into my life because as I sometimes feel the pressures of "just being mom" I forget I deserve to have my relaxation to unwind and enjoy some time to do things for me and trips like this one was nice. I need to make this my priority to put aside money so my husband and I can keep the flames going in our marriage and I can just be me because I'll always be Mom but sometimes I just need to feel like I have an Identity too!! Find what moves you!! Take care, Peace!!
Atlantis Casino Resort and Spa you rock and we will be back!!
On Monday morning we left for the airport around 5am. With all the horror surrounding the TSA agents and security when I went through was kinda boring but then again I only had a small purse with barely anything in it and I didn't have to take that much off to go through security. It was just me and my boarding pass with Identification. I always go light because I'm nice that way.
We ended up having breakfast at the Airport and I swear the lady gave me cream for my coffee because I'll just say this being Lactose Intolerant isn't fun when you travel and thank heavens for bathrooms...enough said and I can tell you this....I made my flight.
We got to Reno super early so our room wasn't ready. The weather was warm and sunny the whole time we were there. It's better than rain. The Room was beautiful and so big. I would post a picture of the room but I don't have mine developed yet and I could take one from the resorts website but I don't want to be sued. If you go to the Altantis Website you can see room photos. The rooms were so nice. In the afternoon we took a nap. How nice that was...so wonderful!! I did get kinda drunk Monday night with free drinks when you gamble. I had 4 corona's but it wasn't that kinda night where I had a date with the toilet. I just ended up sleeping good. I was a little green in the morning but you know it's all good!!
Tuesday we just got up when we got up which was nice. I didn't have to think about anyone but myself and for a mother that was pretty sweet. We ended up walking down to the Black Bear Diner http://www.blackbeardiner.com/ and the food was great and I had their Thick-Cut Smoked Bacon and Eggs...so good!! We even bought our kids some long johns there in the gift shop. After lunch we headed across the street to watch a movie. We went and saw Megamind in 3D. Our kids are a little too young for this movie so I'm glad we saw it first.
We had some time before Dinner which we got reservations for the Bistro Napa for our Anniversary Dinner. The Bistro Napa is concerned Casual Fine-Dining.
Here's there write up :Winner of Wine Spectator's “Award of Excellence!”
Inspired by Napa Valley...great wine, cozy atmosphere, unique & delicious entrées. It's taking Reno places it's never been before. From wood-fired baby artichokes and Kurobuta pork chops to truffled potato chips and sesame hummus. We've stepped out of the expected and created the extraordinary. This is a dining experience you won't soon forget, combining fresh quality ingredients and culinary artistry with a 4,000 bottle wine cellar and you have the newest "It" place to dine in northern Nevada. Let our sommelier help you pair the perfect wine to complete your award-winning gourmet meal.
It was an experience I will never forget. The service was outstanding. We ordered the Bistro Cioppino-Spicy Tomato Saffron Broth, Fresh Fish, King Crab, Clams, Shrimp, Scallops and I'm not much of a seafood kinda gal but I also wanted to try something new and this sounded to die for. The saffron broth you could just eat alone with bread. Everything tasted fresh and melted in your mouth. I haven't had a meal like this EVER!! I felt pampered and I will never forget this dinner. I was blown away by the service, the food and the wonderful experience. If I can ever afford to eat there again I will.
My husband and I don't gamble to win so we gave ourselves a budget and just had a good time. We won some and we lost lots but it was enough to entertain ourselves while we were there. We kinda stayed up to late on Tuesday night by watching re-runs of CSI-NY but that's vacation for you.
Our last day we took our time checking out but we also had a few hours to kill before our flight home so we gambled some more and left feeling relaxed and refreshed. When we got to the airport our flight was delayed for an hour and there's not much you can do in Reno's airport then sit and gamble waiting for your flight. So we sat and gambled some more on the Sex and the City machine and we walked away with some easy money. The perfect way to end our trip.
I'm glad to be home with my kids and the flight home was a little turbulent and my brain likes to go places it shouldn't and my husband made a point by saying God wouldn't give us a good payday and then crash the plane. That would have been messed up!! Like.... You won big but sorry sucka's!!
Well I think I need to make this trip more often and this trip brought some perspective into my life because as I sometimes feel the pressures of "just being mom" I forget I deserve to have my relaxation to unwind and enjoy some time to do things for me and trips like this one was nice. I need to make this my priority to put aside money so my husband and I can keep the flames going in our marriage and I can just be me because I'll always be Mom but sometimes I just need to feel like I have an Identity too!! Find what moves you!! Take care, Peace!!
Atlantis Casino Resort and Spa you rock and we will be back!!
November 9, 2010
Life is exploding!!
I'm at a crossroads in my life. I'm scared out of my mind. The fear of choosing which path to take and will I make the right choice. I haven't completely given my life to Christ and maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm just scared to completely let go of my control to a belief I know that's right. I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions and the unknown is making me feel like a failure and defected.
I feel defected. There I said it. I lie to myself often like if I let that part of my being be honest it's like I'm a failure. I live to be positive. I want to inspire and to bring a new understanding of supporting one another of lifting people up who are lost so they too can see the world as good.
I know who I am. 10 years ago if you asked me who I was I probably would have said something generic because I really didn't know. My life is clear to me now. I know what I stand for yet at the same time I feel lost of where to go from here. Where am I supposed to belong?
I read the news and my heart is breaking with all this suffering in the world. Our legacy for the next Generation doesn't look great. We are a stepping stone for the next Generation neither to succeed or to fail. I want my children to succeed but how can we allow them to have the opportunities to grow as a Generation when we are planting the seeds for them to fail? We should be lifting each other up to give them the freedoms to carry on to their next Generations to further on in our humanity to be come greater than they are.
Why is selfishness being rewarded when charity is being victimized? We use charity to help our fellow man and we do it because it's the right thing to do. Feeling like charity is an obligation really diminishes the truth of true givings. It's not what's asked of us for what we do it's the compassion of loving someone for who they are and you want to help because you care. It's not because it's expected of you.
Our society rewards people who just want to take from people because they feel they deserve more. We all deserve more by our ability to accept each other of what we can give of ourselves to the good of humanity with our strength to lift up the lost, the weak and to raise children so they can do the same. How can we grow in our humanity when people want to take more then they truly deserve by allowing people to suffer so they can have their human rights? We all deserve human rights. That's a given but not on the backs of our brothers and sisters to bring them down so they can raise themselves up. How does that help anyone? Why do we feel like it's something to acheive to pull people down just to make ourselves feel better?
I feel like I'm being pulled in a direction of my life where I'm scared to death. I have hope yet at the same time I feel like if I go towards this direction and down this path I'm being drawn too I will fail. I don't want to fail. I guess I need to have more faith in what's good. I have surrendered to what's good and my feeling of defect is sharing in my pain to the world to see we are all imperfect. We should have pride for who we are as humans. I'm proud to stand up for what's right and to defend what's right. Maybe I'm just conflicted because I know the path I'm supposed to go down and I'm just fighting it out of my own personal fear. Maybe I should just let go!!
I'm proud to be living today. Lets inspire each other to be great and lets support each other to lift each other up. Take care, Peace!!
I feel defected. There I said it. I lie to myself often like if I let that part of my being be honest it's like I'm a failure. I live to be positive. I want to inspire and to bring a new understanding of supporting one another of lifting people up who are lost so they too can see the world as good.
I know who I am. 10 years ago if you asked me who I was I probably would have said something generic because I really didn't know. My life is clear to me now. I know what I stand for yet at the same time I feel lost of where to go from here. Where am I supposed to belong?
I read the news and my heart is breaking with all this suffering in the world. Our legacy for the next Generation doesn't look great. We are a stepping stone for the next Generation neither to succeed or to fail. I want my children to succeed but how can we allow them to have the opportunities to grow as a Generation when we are planting the seeds for them to fail? We should be lifting each other up to give them the freedoms to carry on to their next Generations to further on in our humanity to be come greater than they are.
Why is selfishness being rewarded when charity is being victimized? We use charity to help our fellow man and we do it because it's the right thing to do. Feeling like charity is an obligation really diminishes the truth of true givings. It's not what's asked of us for what we do it's the compassion of loving someone for who they are and you want to help because you care. It's not because it's expected of you.
Our society rewards people who just want to take from people because they feel they deserve more. We all deserve more by our ability to accept each other of what we can give of ourselves to the good of humanity with our strength to lift up the lost, the weak and to raise children so they can do the same. How can we grow in our humanity when people want to take more then they truly deserve by allowing people to suffer so they can have their human rights? We all deserve human rights. That's a given but not on the backs of our brothers and sisters to bring them down so they can raise themselves up. How does that help anyone? Why do we feel like it's something to acheive to pull people down just to make ourselves feel better?
I feel like I'm being pulled in a direction of my life where I'm scared to death. I have hope yet at the same time I feel like if I go towards this direction and down this path I'm being drawn too I will fail. I don't want to fail. I guess I need to have more faith in what's good. I have surrendered to what's good and my feeling of defect is sharing in my pain to the world to see we are all imperfect. We should have pride for who we are as humans. I'm proud to stand up for what's right and to defend what's right. Maybe I'm just conflicted because I know the path I'm supposed to go down and I'm just fighting it out of my own personal fear. Maybe I should just let go!!
I'm proud to be living today. Lets inspire each other to be great and lets support each other to lift each other up. Take care, Peace!!
October 21, 2010
The Dark side of Life!!
Disclaimer: Fowl language in this Post!!
I get it and I understand life can be hard. I've been in places in my life where it was painful to live. Each day wasn't any better then the next. I understand people love drama for themselves or watching, reading and participating in other peoples drama. It's in our nature and sometimes we enjoy it watching other people suffer and sometimes it makes us feel better knowing someone else is suffering just like yourself. Our society is deep rooted with drama, suffering and sometimes people just need it to have meaning whatever that may be for themselves. I had plenty of drama directly and indirectly in my lifetime and frankly I'm getting to the point I would prefer not to have as much. It's really exhausting.
When you are walking with suffering in your life it really is hard to see the world as happiness. You are angry the world is shitting on you. You see other people with joy and you just want them to fuck off, neither you are jealous of them or really you just want them to fuck off.
Sometimes it's just easier to hate the world and everyone in it then to fix your life. It's like you are so down on your life working to make things better is harder so living your life with discontent is what you're going to do. It's not like you deserve a better life and it's not like you deserve to be happy. It's like you're not worth anything better so why bother changing things. Life is a sack of shit so I'll accept it as my life and struggling with life is at least something.
It's a dark world and you never see the good stuff. You never see the opportunities surrounding your life or the people who love and care for you. All you think is they are just trying to get in your business being all righteous like they are perfect and they just don't understand you. You think they are telling you how to live your life and they don't know you. They don't know what you have been through and they sure as hell need to back off because it's your life and they really don't know how you are feeling. What do they know? They haven't gone through my struggles or my heart breaks so how can they help me besides being in my business. You really don't want to hear it neither it makes you fell like more shit or you hear some truth in what they are saying and it makes you feel like shit for seeing your life like shit. It's never a win, win!!
Of course, you don't want to hear it because of your self worth. When you don't give yourself much respect or credit no matter what anyone says you don't believe them because you don't like yourself all that much. Why would you like yourself? The world is against you and suffering just follows you everywhere you go and you never get a break on anything. It's always something which keeps bringing you down. You have the "got ya" moments to prove life is full of shit. You understand the saying "shit happens" because you are living it.
You feel alone because no one understands your pain. No one understands your circumstances and you have lost friends because obviously they don't care and it's there loss. They were bitches and who needs that righteousness anyway like their shit don't stink. I'm better off without them.
It really is a lonely life. Seeing the world like that is sad and the despair, the pain, the not feeling like you are loved, that no one understands me or can understand me is an empty shell of a life. I happened to live some of my life is this. I went through a period of my life full of rage, sorrow, frustration and anger. No one could hate me more than I hated myself. It's sad way of life. The hard part were the tears of not knowing what was next like it was bad enough you couldn't deal with life the way it is yet more things were piling up on your plate like "Come on....really?" Enough is enough yet you keep living it over and over and it's not like you don't want to have an easy life but getting their would be work. How can you deal with work when you got all this shit to do already?
It's not easy changing your life around and seeing the world differently. It took me years and at times the work was more difficult to deal with but you keep working at it. You keep moving forward with baby steps and when you fall you pick yourself up and you keep moving. You're going to get bruised and feel beaten but in the end it's all worth it. One day you will look back and hold those scars of your life with pride.
This is how I did it. Each time a problem came up as much as it hurt I dealt with the issue. I was straight up with the problem that was burdening my heart. I dug in deep and worked it out so I could let them go so when things got tough those issues wouldn't bother me anymore. Then I moved on to the next problem and worked each issue out until life started looking easier. I could see the light on the other side. Then dealing with my problems were getting much easier. You're going to have short comings and old problems will creep back into your life. You pat yourself on your back and you push through.
The more learning you do about yourself you realize how strong you really were for putting up with all your shitty baggage you were carrying around on your back. The lighter you become by working on your craziness you realize you don't want to carry that shit anymore. It was heavy..damn you it hurt. Then you realize you don't want to live like that anymore. You are strong and you realize how strong you are and it gives you strength to push through the chaos of your life.
When things become easier and you learn you really are worth it then you get hit by a ton of bricks called........ guilt!!! Oh my, my bricks of guilt consumed me down to my core being. How do you get out of that? For me I allowed myself to mourn my past life. I started building my foundation to be stronger and more resistance so when troubles came my way it was easier to deal with. My foundation didn't crumble to the ground every time I was hit with the shit part of life. You can never change the past but only live in the present and hope for the future. To move forward you ask for forgiveness and you give forgiveness and life is not easy but it can be exciting and joyful. The light feels warm and inviting. The dark is cold and depressing. You choose what you are willing to live with.
I prayed on this post to guide me on what I should say. It was not easy on me and at times hurt with sadness. I truly believe in love. I care for you and I understand the dark life and with help I want to hold your hand and be there. Someone out there cares for you even when life is lonely. I learned though my dark times you really can't do it on your own. So you will need to put your guard down and ask for support. Support has been there all along and you just need to reach out and embrace it. Life is love and life is responsibility!! Take care, Peace!!
I get it and I understand life can be hard. I've been in places in my life where it was painful to live. Each day wasn't any better then the next. I understand people love drama for themselves or watching, reading and participating in other peoples drama. It's in our nature and sometimes we enjoy it watching other people suffer and sometimes it makes us feel better knowing someone else is suffering just like yourself. Our society is deep rooted with drama, suffering and sometimes people just need it to have meaning whatever that may be for themselves. I had plenty of drama directly and indirectly in my lifetime and frankly I'm getting to the point I would prefer not to have as much. It's really exhausting.
When you are walking with suffering in your life it really is hard to see the world as happiness. You are angry the world is shitting on you. You see other people with joy and you just want them to fuck off, neither you are jealous of them or really you just want them to fuck off.
Sometimes it's just easier to hate the world and everyone in it then to fix your life. It's like you are so down on your life working to make things better is harder so living your life with discontent is what you're going to do. It's not like you deserve a better life and it's not like you deserve to be happy. It's like you're not worth anything better so why bother changing things. Life is a sack of shit so I'll accept it as my life and struggling with life is at least something.
It's a dark world and you never see the good stuff. You never see the opportunities surrounding your life or the people who love and care for you. All you think is they are just trying to get in your business being all righteous like they are perfect and they just don't understand you. You think they are telling you how to live your life and they don't know you. They don't know what you have been through and they sure as hell need to back off because it's your life and they really don't know how you are feeling. What do they know? They haven't gone through my struggles or my heart breaks so how can they help me besides being in my business. You really don't want to hear it neither it makes you fell like more shit or you hear some truth in what they are saying and it makes you feel like shit for seeing your life like shit. It's never a win, win!!
Of course, you don't want to hear it because of your self worth. When you don't give yourself much respect or credit no matter what anyone says you don't believe them because you don't like yourself all that much. Why would you like yourself? The world is against you and suffering just follows you everywhere you go and you never get a break on anything. It's always something which keeps bringing you down. You have the "got ya" moments to prove life is full of shit. You understand the saying "shit happens" because you are living it.
You feel alone because no one understands your pain. No one understands your circumstances and you have lost friends because obviously they don't care and it's there loss. They were bitches and who needs that righteousness anyway like their shit don't stink. I'm better off without them.
It really is a lonely life. Seeing the world like that is sad and the despair, the pain, the not feeling like you are loved, that no one understands me or can understand me is an empty shell of a life. I happened to live some of my life is this. I went through a period of my life full of rage, sorrow, frustration and anger. No one could hate me more than I hated myself. It's sad way of life. The hard part were the tears of not knowing what was next like it was bad enough you couldn't deal with life the way it is yet more things were piling up on your plate like "Come on....really?" Enough is enough yet you keep living it over and over and it's not like you don't want to have an easy life but getting their would be work. How can you deal with work when you got all this shit to do already?
It's not easy changing your life around and seeing the world differently. It took me years and at times the work was more difficult to deal with but you keep working at it. You keep moving forward with baby steps and when you fall you pick yourself up and you keep moving. You're going to get bruised and feel beaten but in the end it's all worth it. One day you will look back and hold those scars of your life with pride.
This is how I did it. Each time a problem came up as much as it hurt I dealt with the issue. I was straight up with the problem that was burdening my heart. I dug in deep and worked it out so I could let them go so when things got tough those issues wouldn't bother me anymore. Then I moved on to the next problem and worked each issue out until life started looking easier. I could see the light on the other side. Then dealing with my problems were getting much easier. You're going to have short comings and old problems will creep back into your life. You pat yourself on your back and you push through.
The more learning you do about yourself you realize how strong you really were for putting up with all your shitty baggage you were carrying around on your back. The lighter you become by working on your craziness you realize you don't want to carry that shit anymore. It was heavy..damn you it hurt. Then you realize you don't want to live like that anymore. You are strong and you realize how strong you are and it gives you strength to push through the chaos of your life.
When things become easier and you learn you really are worth it then you get hit by a ton of bricks called........ guilt!!! Oh my, my bricks of guilt consumed me down to my core being. How do you get out of that? For me I allowed myself to mourn my past life. I started building my foundation to be stronger and more resistance so when troubles came my way it was easier to deal with. My foundation didn't crumble to the ground every time I was hit with the shit part of life. You can never change the past but only live in the present and hope for the future. To move forward you ask for forgiveness and you give forgiveness and life is not easy but it can be exciting and joyful. The light feels warm and inviting. The dark is cold and depressing. You choose what you are willing to live with.
I prayed on this post to guide me on what I should say. It was not easy on me and at times hurt with sadness. I truly believe in love. I care for you and I understand the dark life and with help I want to hold your hand and be there. Someone out there cares for you even when life is lonely. I learned though my dark times you really can't do it on your own. So you will need to put your guard down and ask for support. Support has been there all along and you just need to reach out and embrace it. Life is love and life is responsibility!! Take care, Peace!!
October 20, 2010
As in At Peace!!
I've been thinking about Peace lately. What does that really mean? Sure I put it at the end of my posts and for me Peace means acceptance of one's self. Peace is commonly understood as the absence of hostility. So if you are hostile to your inner being you are not at Peace. If you love yourself and you are confident for the love of yourself you know who you are. You are not struggling to figure out what you believe or who you are as a person. You are who you are as a person and there is no question in your mind. So of course, you would have a strong understanding of your inner foundation that makes up your love which in sense is peace with no struggle and you have no burden.
When we struggle with ourselves we don't have love in our hearts and if we do we're in pain about it. You are searching for acceptance from people, from life but how can you receive acceptance from others if you can't do it for yourself first. If someone told you are beautiful but you don't believe you are beautiful then you're not going to believe them fully. If you believe you are beautiful and someone told you are beautiful you're going to believe them fully.
At one point in my life I didn't like myself all that much. I was in mass destruction within myself and I didn't know who I was. It was a lonely time for me. I felt like I was being torn in two different directions. I hope I will never have to go through that again. For one, I didn't know who I was as a person. I thought I knew but I didn't truly or I wouldn't have been in a position to hate myself. I now enjoy being by myself with my thoughts. It's not so dark in there. I slowly started to know who I was and what I wanted, what I loved, who I wanted to become and I worked on myself to release the burden within my heart. I worked on my forgiveness for the burden I was feeling and the acceptance of myself. It's a process and I'm not quite there but I'm on the road.
Once I feel like I'm in a place where the foundation is there I can share my peace with others and help others with compassion and understanding they too can feel at peace too. It's like in the beginning of a relationship. You want to know who the other person is to see if they are compatible with you so why can't you do that for yourself?
I know it's the hardest thing I had to do is forgive myself for my failures and my bad decisions and the people who have hurt me. It took along time to forgive myself. It also took me me a hard time to forgive others who have hurt me. In the process of learning what I wanted in life I realized when you hold a grudge toward others it doesn't hurt them. They are not hurting and they are not fixated on the pain which the burden is only on you. Let that go however you want too because it's really not worth it. You are not punishing them but yourself for allowing yourself to not forgive. I forgive you and I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to release the burden from my painful feelings, my angry feelings and the struggle which isn't allowing me to move forward.
So necessarily you don't have to forgive the person whom has hurt you in person for example: I couldn't get passed the pain and suffering my mother had on my heart for verbally abusing me when I was a kid. I wanted validation from her to move on and I never got it from her. Her denial of her part in my suffering only hurt me and I couldn't move on from that. I couldn't understand why she was in denial of my pain she caused me. It was like I wanted her to suffer as badly as I was feeling. So when I poured my heart out about my feelings to her on her abusing me and I didn't get what I wanted from her. It hurt me even more which broke my heart because she was my mother and I loved her. She was my mother and I didn't understand why she wasn't giving me compassion and the love I was needing from her. I was broken and I was searching for love from the wrong place. I needed to forgive and then in return find love within my own inner being to love oneself.
When I was getting to know who I was as a person I learned I needed to validate my own feelings. I know I was abused and I know it hurt me so when I finally got it I forgave my mother. The pain in my heart was my own burden and allowing myself to keep hurting was my own suffering and not hers.
I didn't want to hurt anymore and over time I have released the burden I was carrying around within me. Having Peace is refreshing and it feels good. I like good which in turns gives me a better outlook on my life. So we all want peace. We all can have peace but we need to work towards Peace and we need to share our peace with others. So go out and enjoy your life and start the journey of forgiveness.... what ever that is for you. Take care, Peace!!!
When we struggle with ourselves we don't have love in our hearts and if we do we're in pain about it. You are searching for acceptance from people, from life but how can you receive acceptance from others if you can't do it for yourself first. If someone told you are beautiful but you don't believe you are beautiful then you're not going to believe them fully. If you believe you are beautiful and someone told you are beautiful you're going to believe them fully.
At one point in my life I didn't like myself all that much. I was in mass destruction within myself and I didn't know who I was. It was a lonely time for me. I felt like I was being torn in two different directions. I hope I will never have to go through that again. For one, I didn't know who I was as a person. I thought I knew but I didn't truly or I wouldn't have been in a position to hate myself. I now enjoy being by myself with my thoughts. It's not so dark in there. I slowly started to know who I was and what I wanted, what I loved, who I wanted to become and I worked on myself to release the burden within my heart. I worked on my forgiveness for the burden I was feeling and the acceptance of myself. It's a process and I'm not quite there but I'm on the road.
Once I feel like I'm in a place where the foundation is there I can share my peace with others and help others with compassion and understanding they too can feel at peace too. It's like in the beginning of a relationship. You want to know who the other person is to see if they are compatible with you so why can't you do that for yourself?
I know it's the hardest thing I had to do is forgive myself for my failures and my bad decisions and the people who have hurt me. It took along time to forgive myself. It also took me me a hard time to forgive others who have hurt me. In the process of learning what I wanted in life I realized when you hold a grudge toward others it doesn't hurt them. They are not hurting and they are not fixated on the pain which the burden is only on you. Let that go however you want too because it's really not worth it. You are not punishing them but yourself for allowing yourself to not forgive. I forgive you and I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to release the burden from my painful feelings, my angry feelings and the struggle which isn't allowing me to move forward.
So necessarily you don't have to forgive the person whom has hurt you in person for example: I couldn't get passed the pain and suffering my mother had on my heart for verbally abusing me when I was a kid. I wanted validation from her to move on and I never got it from her. Her denial of her part in my suffering only hurt me and I couldn't move on from that. I couldn't understand why she was in denial of my pain she caused me. It was like I wanted her to suffer as badly as I was feeling. So when I poured my heart out about my feelings to her on her abusing me and I didn't get what I wanted from her. It hurt me even more which broke my heart because she was my mother and I loved her. She was my mother and I didn't understand why she wasn't giving me compassion and the love I was needing from her. I was broken and I was searching for love from the wrong place. I needed to forgive and then in return find love within my own inner being to love oneself.
When I was getting to know who I was as a person I learned I needed to validate my own feelings. I know I was abused and I know it hurt me so when I finally got it I forgave my mother. The pain in my heart was my own burden and allowing myself to keep hurting was my own suffering and not hers.
I didn't want to hurt anymore and over time I have released the burden I was carrying around within me. Having Peace is refreshing and it feels good. I like good which in turns gives me a better outlook on my life. So we all want peace. We all can have peace but we need to work towards Peace and we need to share our peace with others. So go out and enjoy your life and start the journey of forgiveness.... what ever that is for you. Take care, Peace!!!
September 23, 2010
Lets Dance!!
On an average day when I'm not over dramatic on my thinking I'm quite a free spirit. I'm usually the person you see in lets just say Walmart or Target dancing in the isles being all silly with my kids. I'm the one singing to the music while I'm shopping. I don't find this embarrassing at all. I see it as I'm having a good time with my family enjoy the small things life has to offer.
I would rather see a family having a good time then seeing some kid having a tantrum on isle 7 with their parent ready to pull their hair out. I also say Hi to everyone. Sometimes I get weird looks like who's this person saying Hello to me but that's who I am. I like expressing my positivity even when I could careless of being friendly. I don't like being serious all the time and so acting like a big goof laughing having a good time makes me feel good.
My kids are used to me singing so they don't think it's unusual when I start singing in stores while we are shopping. I'm sure they will think it's weird if other people who don't do it. Of course, I'm not belting out the word being disruptive when I sing and I'm no professional but it makes me feel good. I usually stop or don't sing if the store is busy. I am respectful to other shoppers. When my family is having a good time we end up having less drama. Sometimes it doesn't work and we're out of control but it reins in less drama when I start acting like a goof ball with my kids. It takes the focus off whatever meltdown they were about to have or meltdown I was about to have..lol!!
Just because I'm a Mother doesn't mean I have to be boring and act a certain way. Whatever moves you to be happy who cares how you get there!!
It's fun to not take life so serious and I enjoy being happy. Stop and smell the roses once in awhile. Take care, Peace!!
I would rather see a family having a good time then seeing some kid having a tantrum on isle 7 with their parent ready to pull their hair out. I also say Hi to everyone. Sometimes I get weird looks like who's this person saying Hello to me but that's who I am. I like expressing my positivity even when I could careless of being friendly. I don't like being serious all the time and so acting like a big goof laughing having a good time makes me feel good.
My kids are used to me singing so they don't think it's unusual when I start singing in stores while we are shopping. I'm sure they will think it's weird if other people who don't do it. Of course, I'm not belting out the word being disruptive when I sing and I'm no professional but it makes me feel good. I usually stop or don't sing if the store is busy. I am respectful to other shoppers. When my family is having a good time we end up having less drama. Sometimes it doesn't work and we're out of control but it reins in less drama when I start acting like a goof ball with my kids. It takes the focus off whatever meltdown they were about to have or meltdown I was about to have..lol!!
Just because I'm a Mother doesn't mean I have to be boring and act a certain way. Whatever moves you to be happy who cares how you get there!!
It's fun to not take life so serious and I enjoy being happy. Stop and smell the roses once in awhile. Take care, Peace!!
September 21, 2010
Indianprincess...this is me!!
Who are you? Well my real name is Darlene. I like writing about random things and most of the time I'm listening to some form of music. I am a wife to the most understanding and supportive husband and I'm a mother to two wonderful little kids age 5 and 3. I have lots of self anxieties which neither is a hindrance or a gift. I haven't made up my mind about that yet. I characterize myself as an awkward goof with a kind heart. I kinda get flighty when I feel like life is getting too structured for me yet I like to be laid back and that's another conflicting trait I possess.
My husband is my opposite which comes in handy when I'm all over the place when I'm stuck in my head. He brings me back to earth with my wacky doodle tenancies. I like sharing my life experiences and I'm not ashamed of what I have written on my blog. It's my life and what can I do?
Some people may think I'm just crazy and I'm fine with that. I'll take the job as the crazy person because someone has to take the job. I don't take myself serious as you can tell. I like to bring emotion to everything I do. I like to be reminded people are human and we all have feelings especially one's we want other people not to know about. I'm typically in your face about it. I may inspire someone or at least give someone a good laugh. I'm not picky with my writing and it is what it is!!
I seriously want a tattoo but I'm afraid of needles and putting myself through pain just to have a cute picture permanently sketched on my skin freaks me out. I don't care for pain. That's why I don't have one. I can still dream.
I've been a diabetic since I've been 17 years old. It sucks!! When my Doctor's bitch me out for not checking my blood sugars more often I just want to tell them to shove the lancet up their asses. Poking your finger hurts like hell.
I still have my demons I'm dealing with for example I have body image issues contributed by my eating disorder and on my good days I feel sexy and on my off days I feel like a frumpy old women. When I feel like a new change it's usually my hair that gets mangled first.
Feeling like you have no energy to function is hard. Going through this time was hard and frustrating and so exhausting I really don't know how I managed. It amazes me how my family managed through the worst of my health problems and we may be a little off and dysfunctional but we're here and that's all that matters.
I'm a work in progress and I change everyday tweaking myself here and there. I try to stay positive and I'm trying to getting my dysfunction out of my life. I know it's part of who I am so maybe the correct thing to say is I'm working on my dysfunction so I don't let it run my life into the ground. One step at a time!! We all need a hero in our lives and mine is the world!!
This is who I am!! You like me or you don't. No love lost!! Thank you for stumbling upon my craziness!! Take care, Peace!!
My husband is my opposite which comes in handy when I'm all over the place when I'm stuck in my head. He brings me back to earth with my wacky doodle tenancies. I like sharing my life experiences and I'm not ashamed of what I have written on my blog. It's my life and what can I do?
Some people may think I'm just crazy and I'm fine with that. I'll take the job as the crazy person because someone has to take the job. I don't take myself serious as you can tell. I like to bring emotion to everything I do. I like to be reminded people are human and we all have feelings especially one's we want other people not to know about. I'm typically in your face about it. I may inspire someone or at least give someone a good laugh. I'm not picky with my writing and it is what it is!!
I seriously want a tattoo but I'm afraid of needles and putting myself through pain just to have a cute picture permanently sketched on my skin freaks me out. I don't care for pain. That's why I don't have one. I can still dream.
I've been a diabetic since I've been 17 years old. It sucks!! When my Doctor's bitch me out for not checking my blood sugars more often I just want to tell them to shove the lancet up their asses. Poking your finger hurts like hell.
I still have my demons I'm dealing with for example I have body image issues contributed by my eating disorder and on my good days I feel sexy and on my off days I feel like a frumpy old women. When I feel like a new change it's usually my hair that gets mangled first.
Feeling like you have no energy to function is hard. Going through this time was hard and frustrating and so exhausting I really don't know how I managed. It amazes me how my family managed through the worst of my health problems and we may be a little off and dysfunctional but we're here and that's all that matters.
I'm a work in progress and I change everyday tweaking myself here and there. I try to stay positive and I'm trying to getting my dysfunction out of my life. I know it's part of who I am so maybe the correct thing to say is I'm working on my dysfunction so I don't let it run my life into the ground. One step at a time!! We all need a hero in our lives and mine is the world!!
This is who I am!! You like me or you don't. No love lost!! Thank you for stumbling upon my craziness!! Take care, Peace!!
September 20, 2010
Livin' on the Edge!!
Life's not that bad for me now but sometimes I just have to breath so I can step back to see the true picture of my life. I have moments in my life where I just want to scream on the top of my lungs, hit the floor and say not today. Sometimes I just have no reason of why I feel like doing that and sometimes I feel overwhelmed and need a break and it's my way of putting life into prospective. I have it good. I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones who has made it from darkness into the light. Sometimes I just need a kick in the pants to show me I don't need to live in my head anymore. My crazy mind doesn't need for me to suffer anymore.
I look at my beautiful kids and I'm happy and my relationship with my hubby is the best. My family has a great life, and we are secure and we have each other. I'm truly blessed to have a wonderful support system with my extended family and friends. I have to remember I made this life for me. I worked hard so I can give my children a good home. I work and I'm mindful not to take my marriage for granted.
Sometimes my old ways comes through in times when I'm self conscience and then my awkward control issues which gives me anxiety. I'm working on this. I don't like this about my personality but it's something I work really hard to control :) Control...ha ha!! I'm working on my control over my control issues. That's kinda funny!!
Sometimes I feel like I am living on the edge of good and evil. It's a struggle at times because I know what I want and I know what I want for my family but sometimes when I feel like I'm at my more vulnerable state of mind I feel like doing something really stupid. Seriously I can get stupid!! Say No to Stupid!!
Lately I feel insecure about aging. Maybe this is my mid-life crisis. I feel old and I feel like I look old and for people who know me knows I don't look old but I do feel old. I know it's a mindset but still. I feel like bitching!!
I get paranoid when I think this like my eating disorder is playing tricks on me like I know I will never be completely healed but in recovery so it freaks me out like I'm going to go down that path again. Then I get freaked out like maybe people will think I still have my eating disorder. I go places in my brain which is dangerous for my well being. I freak out and I over think to much. I stew over the stupidest stuff sometimes. My weight is an issue for me and it will always be an issue. I understand this and I know this but man, sometimes I wish it wasn't. I wish I didn't have a though in my mind that I should fit in a size two jeans then a size four jeans I fit into now. Then I feel guilty for thinking I should fit into a size two jeans and I should be happy at the weight and size that I am now and then I feel guilty for feeling guilty. Oh my, it's a never ending cycle of crazy until something happens that I realize what I'm doing is just plain whack a doodle.
How I deal with things like this is I start stressing over things I can't control. I know that's not a good thing where my head goes. Then it turns into down right freak out over things I can control like my house. I get bothered over the out of control my house seems. I like everything being in a place. I don't like clutter. I despise clutter so when I have three people in my house who are the opposite of me it's kinda hard for me to deal at times because I look around my space I call my home and things are piled up here and there. My hubby has his organized mess and my children have their toys everywhere. I get stressed my house stinks. Yes, I worry about my house stinking. It's overwhelms me. It drives my brain to the point of no return. I'm a work in progress and trust me I'm not crazy like this all the time I swear. :)
Then I worry I'm sending out bad vibes like a certain someone will come back into my life and just mess everything all up for me because frankly, I don't know what I'll do in regards to this person. I say I can make great decisions but unless I'm tested by the Universe I won't know if I'll make the right choices. No bad vibes please!!
Then I have to remember the most important things to life. Does it really matter I have dishes in the sink for a day? Does it matter I didn't finish the vacuuming in one day? I fret over the small stuff and I'm learning to let go of some of my worries. Just let it go. Fly free worries and anxieties. Fly Free!! Life is truly a blessing. Take care, Peace!!
September 2, 2010
Something New!!
Look at meThese are some of the lyrics to the Song Reflection sung by Christina Aguilera from the movie Milan. I feel like that so often wanting to show what's in my heart but feel like I have to hide who I am. I'm not afraid to tell the world anymore. I'm going to stand up and be proud to show the real me and maybe I'll need help expressing myself through one song at a time.
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
My heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I have to
Hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
I believe in being inspired by love, honor and just believing in yourself. I may not have the answers and I get discouraged but I know I have mended a broken heart, seen horrible things in my lifetime but I want to share all the good too. Life can be great and our world could be great. We just need to accept life!!
That's not the beginning of the endThis song from Enigma touches my heart. I cry each time I hear it. I feel empowered with a sense of belonging to the truth and just following your own way in the world. The message is so powerful and speaks from the heart. The return to innocence. I can never turn back time but I can only move forward. I want to return to innocence and to believe in my destiny.
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Life is what you make of it. I want my life to be the best it can be. Take care, Peace!!
Holding on!!
I'm feeling a little discouraged today. My emotions are all over the place so I thought I would use today as a writing base for a therapy session free of charge. It's not like I woke up today thinking I'm just emotionally broken. I see the world right now and it frightens me. I don't want to give up or I don't want to be afraid to speak my mind or feel like I'm a horrible person because I have different values than you do. I don't want to change any one's mind. I just know what I believe in and what I want. I can see good in a world of chaos and I'm holding on as tight as I can.
Yes, one of my fears is speaking my mind on what I believe. Can you imagine I'm shy? and sometime my fear makes me overly shy. I've been working on this fear for more than 10 years. I was never the person to have conversations on religion or politics but lately in the last several years I kinda started too. I was afraid too speak my mind before because of what people would think of me and I never wanted to rock the boat. I didn't want to argue with someone because I have seen heated discussions already from my past about politics and it had gotten ugly. I don't like watching two people who are passionate turn the conversation personal because they both have different ideology. Of course. when I was younger I never talked about religion because frankly I was never religious and had nothing to say really. It was a whatever attitude about religion.
Now as an adult if I don't speak my mind and stand up for what I believe is right by respecting the other point of view then I'm part of the problem. My time on the side lines sadly is over. I want to respect people even when I don't agree with what they have to say. I want to express my views in a way without attacking the other side. I want to show by example.
I know I'm a good person and I know I'm not a racist. My belief if you call it is individualism if that's a word. Yes, it's an ideology. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Individualism ]
It's so easy to infringe on someones life then to infringe upon your own life. We judge and I'm guilty of it too because we are imperfect and we make mistakes. It's our nature!! Take care, Peace!!
Yes, one of my fears is speaking my mind on what I believe. Can you imagine I'm shy? and sometime my fear makes me overly shy. I've been working on this fear for more than 10 years. I was never the person to have conversations on religion or politics but lately in the last several years I kinda started too. I was afraid too speak my mind before because of what people would think of me and I never wanted to rock the boat. I didn't want to argue with someone because I have seen heated discussions already from my past about politics and it had gotten ugly. I don't like watching two people who are passionate turn the conversation personal because they both have different ideology. Of course. when I was younger I never talked about religion because frankly I was never religious and had nothing to say really. It was a whatever attitude about religion.
Now as an adult if I don't speak my mind and stand up for what I believe is right by respecting the other point of view then I'm part of the problem. My time on the side lines sadly is over. I want to respect people even when I don't agree with what they have to say. I want to express my views in a way without attacking the other side. I want to show by example.
I know I'm a good person and I know I'm not a racist. My belief if you call it is individualism if that's a word. Yes, it's an ideology. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Individualism ]
Individuality is the state or quality of being an individual; a person separate from other persons and possessing his or her own needs, goals, and desires.I didn't read everything on wikipedia yet about individualism to make up my opinion but the basis of individualism is more to my belief structure than being a Progressive, Marxist, etc. which in turn I don't believe in Collective Salvation. I can't help you find God more than you can tell me God doesn't exist because you are different than me and I'm different than you. We can co-exist if we all respect we are all different and can understand we are all different.
It's so easy to infringe on someones life then to infringe upon your own life. We judge and I'm guilty of it too because we are imperfect and we make mistakes. It's our nature!! Take care, Peace!!
September 1, 2010
Positive Living!!
I don't know if I'm making a difference in this world. I'll never know but I'm sure enjoying my writing and I'll talk about my passions on life as long as I have breath to take. I saw this video on a blog I regularly read. I found it amazing and a beautiful piece of art.
Always believe in yourself and stand up for what's right. Take care, Peace!!
Always believe in yourself and stand up for what's right. Take care, Peace!!
August 27, 2010
My Faith and I Believe!!
I watched the most beautiful moment tonight that I haven't seen in along time. It made me realize how much faith I have within my heart. It also reminded me of the miracles I have seen in my life. The gifts I have been given by God. It makes you humble. My life is blessed and I wouldn't have believed it until I saw the sweet bundle of joy when my daughter was born. She was my blessing from God and ever since then I cherish the moment when I started my path to become closer in my faith in God and the teachings of Jesus Christ.
The power of prayer is amazing. I've been in the dark and it's not a good place to be in. It's struggle, it's pain, it's despair and it's torture. It hurts like crazy and I know because I've lived a difficult time for years and it still makes me sad to think about those times. I also know the light. I also know how it feels too truly be loved. It makes me want to be a better person inside and out.
After my son was born the struggle with my health was difficult. You ask yourself "why me?" I asked and after years of waiting for Doctor's to give me the answers I prayed and decided to do something for myself. I couldn't live the way I was living so I did something about it. I made a choice for me to get off of prescription drugs. It's been a few months of helping myself for a better life because I prayed on it and I'm not 100% better but my outlook in life is 150% because I'm feeling like my old self again. I prayed and listened for the answer. I heard loud and clear of it's message. I truly believe!!
I'm not ashamed to say I believe in God. I'm not going to hide my faith because it's not Popular at the moment. I trust in something far greater than myself and I'm just one person who has been touched in miraculous ways because I'm a follower of Jesus Christ!!Take care, Peace!!
The power of prayer is amazing. I've been in the dark and it's not a good place to be in. It's struggle, it's pain, it's despair and it's torture. It hurts like crazy and I know because I've lived a difficult time for years and it still makes me sad to think about those times. I also know the light. I also know how it feels too truly be loved. It makes me want to be a better person inside and out.
After my son was born the struggle with my health was difficult. You ask yourself "why me?" I asked and after years of waiting for Doctor's to give me the answers I prayed and decided to do something for myself. I couldn't live the way I was living so I did something about it. I made a choice for me to get off of prescription drugs. It's been a few months of helping myself for a better life because I prayed on it and I'm not 100% better but my outlook in life is 150% because I'm feeling like my old self again. I prayed and listened for the answer. I heard loud and clear of it's message. I truly believe!!
I'm not ashamed to say I believe in God. I'm not going to hide my faith because it's not Popular at the moment. I trust in something far greater than myself and I'm just one person who has been touched in miraculous ways because I'm a follower of Jesus Christ!!Take care, Peace!!
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