To ease my suffering!

The one thing about going to Therapy I'm learning to look at my feelings and understand some emotions isn't a sign of weakness. Last night I read something and it sparked within me that I get it. You know I wanted to be strong in February and I didn't want to get mad because I felt that meant I didn't care for this person or could support him cause I got mad. I'm learning that's not the case. I held onto my suppressed anger from this situation way to long because I was afraid to let it out.

I'm so angry my heart burns because this person betrayed my trust. He sprang news into my soul and then left like what the fuck was that? Nothing and I'm supposed to sit and wait until he decides to contact people. Relationships are not one sided. I'm happy he's moving on but this wait and see is what's killing me and maybe it's that part of me that doesn't like surprises, the part that hates waiting and that part that likes to be prepared. I don't know but I think it's hard to sit and wait to see if he truly cared. I think that's the hardest for me. Did he really care?

I shared the night I was raped and how it destroyed me. The only person I shared that night with was my husband so to me opening up and talking about what I went through was massive. I also talked about having an abortion because I got pregnant from being raped. In the Christian Community, having an abortion you're not very popular and so talking to my Pastor's about why I was leaving the Church and I had enough of my silent abuse. They convinced me of staying within our Church so I stayed because what they said sounded good. Two weeks later I was sitting in my Lead Pastor's Living room hearing from my site Pastor's reason for leaving and stepping down. Then the shock of giving them the respect of not contact them while they are healing. What the fuck? I'm sorry because I'm angry about that. I may process my thoughts differently than the norm but that totally rocked my world and then having no contact with him or his family I was deeply hurt again. That hurt the most for me. Only Silence!

I truly do not like having PTSD but there is nothing I can do about that. My brain is truly wired differently and sometimes my reactions are not of my control. Last Tuesday at our Monthly Leadership meeting for our Church our second location the Leadership decided to close up shop and regroup. My Westside team worked so hard and in two weeks we're done, just like that. A lot of my pain is under the surface so when I'm reacting to stuff people only see one side of things. In public I'm a closed off machine but behind closed doors I'm a mess. All my senses going off at once, my anxiety is on fire and all I want to do is to escape with drugs and alcohol. That's pissing me off too because my husband won't buy me my alcohol. I hate my addictions. In this situation it would be so nice to have had a prescription to Ativan or something. It would be nice to not be able to think for awhile.

What tears me apart is they didn't trust me enough to be there friend and I could have been there but they choose not too. I'm angry because I gave blood and tears for this Church and for what? Nothing! It just breaks my heart and as much as I'm so angry my heart hurts and I'm sad what went down and I'm trying to search for the happiness in all this. All I can do right now is try and that's all I can do and mourn the loss of something I had no control over. Tomorrow may change and all I can do is move on! Take care, Peace!

keep it together, sort of!

I keep my emotions at bay because freaking out is what you do behind doors and staying cool during difficulty I feel is a strength so when I lose it like start crying in public to me, that's a weakness. I have a lot of situations I feel when I lose it is a weakness. I don't like showing weakness so when I do I beat myself up but this last situation I'm starting to not give a care which to me is another weakness. I promised myself I would treat people with kindness, love people for who they are in life and be kind because that's who I want to be so when my heart is losing the desire to love people that worries me. I don't want to be that person who doesn't care for people, who doesn't want to be a blessing to someone.

The Church my family is apart of is a little over 2 years and we've been serving within the walls of this Church from the beginning. I've been dealing with its bullshit far longer than I should. I have been broken, destroyed and torn down to nothing by the behavior, the selfishness and emotional draining to nothing by a large percentage of the rest of the body of Christ within this Church. I stood my ground and I fought hard to keep moving forward. I serve within this Church because Jesus has asked me too. I stayed but within my heart I was hurting, I was using everything I got to be what Jesus has asked me to be. I cry in silence and I look back and look at my life the last 2 years and I'm tired of the bullying, the feeling like I'm alone, silent pain no one understands but me.

I had a Pastor who by his actions messed me up pretty bad and I guess the good thing I got out of that situation is I was diagnosed with PTSD. I also realized that "Love" is just a word because I know when my Husband says it, it's coming from the depth of his heart and I believe him, I know Jesus Love's me but when these Church folks say it, I call bullshit. You don't come into my life say you care and love me then turn around and rip the very being from me, then not have any contact with me, no apology, no reaching out, and no action to say I want to be your friend.

When I was going through one of the hardest times in my Church Life there was no one. No one came and asked me how I was doing, no phone calls, no emails, no notes to reach out and give me Love. Give me something and for what? I stay because Jesus asked me to stay. Asked me to love these people even though I was hurting so bad the pain just kept coming, to want to love, and not one time did I feel like I belonged.

It makes my heart cry out when I read on Facebook all these posts about faith, fear and not having faith if I don't do this but I don't trust Jesus if I crumble in fear so whatever! No one understands how much I rely on Jesus and how much I suffer for him in spite of my difficulties and I keep walking into that Church ready to serve my Savior, the one who died for me because he loved me that much and he asked me to reach out to my community for help to save these girls within the evil world of Sex Trafficking.

I am hurting and sometimes I have asked myself why do I put up with this crap and the last 2 years Church has been hell for me. I don't trust anyone within the walls of my Church even includes the Leadership and the longer I stay the longer I wonder how strong I can stand up from this heartache  Jesus stands for me, he gives me strength and every time I feel like giving up he gets me strength because even though these people are God's Children too and they are loved just like me even though some of them act like bitches, I stay because of Him.

When I behave like I'm not wanting to care for people that makes me feel like I'm the bitch, I'm not a nice person, I'm just as bad as they are. I beat myself up for thinking all of that and who am I? I understand why no one likes me, why on the surface it's all nice and I'm not approachable, not worth it like other people and I have to fight it harder to be worthy. Jesus tells me different but in my heart is broken and one day I wish I could be seen for who I am then what people think I am.

I'm so frustrated, my mind is on overdrive, my thoughts all confusing, my heart hurting and for what? To feel alone in God's Church. I'm tired and one thing I learned from all this I have cried for him and I understand why he died for me, I truly do. I need his love to live! Take care, Peace!

When life goes crazy.... for real!

This past February had been one crazy month for me and my family. Earlier in the month I overdosed on Benedryl and a lot of it. In my crazy spun up mind I was so tired of hurting, so tired of all the crap going on in my mind. The hurt, the loss of trust, the loss of my personal being and I just wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to lay down and die. It was a very traumatic time for me. The week before my Pastor stepped down and then various situations piled onto it.  Then here was Tuesday night, the kids were in bed, the Husband at a meeting and I was alone. I did what I could in the idea of what I needed at the time. I never felt so crushed, burnt and destroyed in my life. My heart didn't know how to handle all the million a mile thoughts whirling around in my mind. My head hurt and my heart hurt and the taunting, the told you so's, the blunt blow to my heart of all the thoughts pounding through me destroying me one at a time. I felt this was what killed me because I had nothing left to give. This was what smashed my life out and I felt like this was better to end then to keep living like I was being punished just because I existed.

When the medicine wasn't doing what I wanted it to do I texted my Husband. After that I came in and out of consciousness and I kind of remember some of what was going on. I remember waking up in the emergency room and them telling me they were admitting me under suicide watch. My Husband called 911 when he got home. The next morning I felt really defeated and apart of me was upset I didn't die. I didn't want to be brave and deal with my life. I felt like it was a struggle to just survive my life and I didn't want to keep doing it anymore. I talked to the Social Worker at the Hospital and I agreed to taking an Outpatient Program. So the following day I had my assessment and Friday the 8th I started my 15 day program.

I felt relief when I was diagnosed with PTSD and didn't need to take medication. The post traumatic stress disorder was triggered by situations stemming by my Pastor stepping down. I think that really gave me some hope and I decided to put the effort into my program.

I know my family didn't ask for this and I know it was hard on my kids because our schedule changed and it was hard juggling homework and it was a hard 3 weeks. I'm proud of myself for finishing the program. I start therapy in a month and I will join a group therapy in a few weeks too. I'm in a good place. It's been hard and I found my smile and hopefully over time I can heal this part that got trampled on during this hardship in my life.

I felt like I was thrown back into darkness and apart of me felt I deserved to be there, My downfall was quick and painful. I still remember the heaviness on my chest. I hope to never be there again. I hope what I learned from my training will help me in future situations.

I was in my darkest moment in my life and I hope someday I can look back and realize why I went there but until then I'll keep walking with one foot forward one at a time. Take care, Peace!!!!

Wired Differently!

There's nothing left of me cause you thrown me away like yesterdays trash. You drop a bomb into my life and then tell me you want space. How am I supposed to process that? How am I supposed to move on? I trusted the words you spoken. Only silence and you broken the trust of the life you told me I was worth yet then I look into the mirror and I see the opposite of what you see.

You can't expect me to walk this path alone. I came from broken then you promised to raise me up to turn around and smash me on the ground. I feel like I'm losing my way. My heart dragged through this emotional train of despair because you put me there. I just want to retreat from this place because all it's doing is getting me burnt.

Why? Why did you put me here? Why did you even help me? Why knowing you would turn around and destroy the very part of my soul that was healing? I don't understand and I'm trying to find answers to all this chaos because I'm here searching for the meaning of it all. Why you even cared?

How do you expect I would take this news? So confused and I'm trying to fight the voices within. Each day it's a new day and I don't think I'll ever be the same. I don't think I can open up the possibility that what happened will ever change. Broken with my shattered dreams.

You have to give me time to process all of this. I have to fight that once was and look through this with deepen sympathy. Hear my heart because it's crying for you. I'm not angry and I don't know if I can be. I'm just feeling like I wasn't worth enough for you to tell me the truth.

I feel conflicted because my work is to expose men for who they really are. This is where my journey leads me but every time I want to follow my path I get slammed against the wall with your face staring back at me. How hard that must feel for me to be the one who's causing you so much of your pain.

Here I am feeling the raw emotions of fighting back the urge to run. I'm fighting my old life, fighting the feelings of the voices of shame. The voices of blame. The voices of who I never meant to be. This is what you are doing to me and I sit in silence while life going on. Life is moving forward and I'm sitting here fighting with the voices within. Yes, we all need space to process this pain. Yes, we all need time for healing.

I just want to scream my heart out at you. Darkness is creeping in and it's crippling me and I don't want to go back there but you put me there with the exposure of who you really are. Is this my story? I don't think I can live like this. Throw me off this train and let me go because I'm asking you to. On the day we cross our paths again we'll be strangers within the sea of people. You don't hear me no more and that means I got my freedom to dust off the pain

It's my voice of freedom and I can follow my heart song once again. I don't know if that place darkness wants me is really in me. I think circumstance wants to put me there but someday I will look back to see my life's song during this time was never meant to be mine but was meant to be yours.

I have my dreams and I'll keep fighting for what's keeping me going. I don't know where I'll be going but I do know this I'll get past the pain and while I'm sitting here I'll be looking forward because no one will keep me here trying to push me into the darkness again.

I have figuring out to do because I'm wired differently then you. Take care, Peace!

When the ship goes down!

I have a friend who in my heart is a good person who loves everyone like Jesus loves this world but he has his sins like everyone else does. You may think so what? what's the big deal? Well when you belong to a Church and have a leadership roll (and I don't quite get it)  and when you have sinned like this you end up having to step down from your leadership roll. It rocked my little church family and it has rocked me. I love this guy cause he's good and I'm not angry and my heart hurts for him and his family.

I'm not taking the news well. My world got shattered once more but you know God's going to lift me up and lift my friend up and he's going to get through this season and even though our lives crossed journey's in the end it will be all for God's Glory. I believe this and when I'm healing my heart and I step up in faith I'm doing what God's calling me to do and I'm going to forge through with giving awareness to minor sex trafficking. I'm not going to let this circumstance stop me from doing what's best.

He is forgiven in my eyes. He's not to walk in shame. He'll get the help he needs and his family will overcome this. I knew something was off this past weekend and their absence from Service this past Sunday made me reach out to his wife. I'm not going to let the enemy win.

I know why our life journey's crossed paths because his journey and mine will help me heal me and help him heal him. I will support him and maybe someday he will know I don't see him differently then the loving person he is.

When you're in the line of work as I'm going into as being an Advocate for Sex Trafficking and you have a friend who let the enemy destroy  in his weakness I can see why he would be worried how I would handle the news. I let him into my world, telling him my secrets, my pain, my distrust with men and I know it hurts deeply like the stabbing in my heart. I know that's not him. He's good and I'm not going to let Satan bring him down.

I just want what's best for my friend. I support him and his family even if I never see him again. He has a friend in me.  Take care, Peace!

Why?

The most important aspect of why I became an advocate for DMST is because of Fear. Thought out this process of educating myself on the harsh realities on this billion dollar industry, I realized most of my life my reaction to situations were based on some form of fear I had which included the Fear of Failing, Fear of Judgment,  and the Fear of Rejection. All three of these I can give you great examples of why I developed them. I realized if I was going to advocate I needed to be open about my childhood, my years of abuse and my trauma’s to give the community an understanding we have a massive problem in our society when everyday people are looking away from an industry that is abusing our young children for profit. 

I understand the pain these children must be going through and thinking no one cares for them. They are trapped in a pit of hell. Sometimes we do things in our own survival that doesn’t necessarily mean society will accept it. The reason I said this because I know all too well of things I have done in my past to survival from one day to the next. Yes, I understand Abortion is a hot topic but for me it was done because I made a decision to fight for my life and I understand there are some people who see it differently and that’s okay to me.  

Abortion is the least of these problems in DMST. There are more horrifying stories these children have gone through or situations they have done to just get by day to day. I have lived an interesting life and dealt with some pretty harsh realities but it’s nothing that these children are facing day to day and my fear of judgment is nothing compared to the hell they are living and that’s why it’s important for me to give and show we really do need to find the strength within us to face the fasts these children are out there right now in the pits of hell doing unspeakable things to survive. It’s not about me or you but about them. It should always be for them.

Take care, Peace!!

End the Demand!

As I sit here a child is being sold into Slavery. I have come a long way in a short few months and most of it too me wasn't good but in the middle of the chaos I call my life I’m being drawn into becoming an advocate for Trafficked Children.

I have asked myself many of times why me? And how can I make a difference to a Billion Dollar industry? What makes me so special I can make a dent into something like Human Trafficking?  The moment I was self-aware of something so horrifying like child prostitution I asked myself Why Not? These are American Children who are sold into Slavery by a demand in our Culture.  Men/Women are buying our children for their personal sexual pleasures.

This is happening in our Cities, Small Town and yet, it’s a problem that we’re afraid to talk about.  I know I can’t sit back and do nothing.  As long as there is a demand, more children will be hurt and killed in this industry.

I would have to say I was part of the problem. I have watched porn movies, and I have been to a strip club and at the time I didn't see anything wrong with it. Too me I thought for sure these women wanted to be there. Yes, I said Women because I just assumed they consented to being there and they were indeed over the age of 18 years of age.  I thought for sure watching porn these women wanted to make sex videos.   It didn't cross my mind some of these Women were actually little girls sold into Slavery.  I contributed to this horrifying industry and I know that this industry is huge and the idea of it scares me now. I’m kind of sick that at one time I thought it was no big deal and I wasn't hurting anybody. If I knew better I wouldn't have done it. I would have been on the streets advocating for these children.

That’s why I’m here, I’m here to say I will not be the problem but I’ll be a voice for those in sexual  slavery who don’t have a voice.  Yes, I can make a difference in educating other people like me who care but don’t know they are contributing to the problem in our society.

If nothing else, I want to give awareness and educate to help end the demand. So please just say no! God Bless You!!

Our Children are not for Sale!!

The tough decisions!

Today I made a phone call to better my life. I called for Therapy and I feel like I'm defeated and one must protect one's own life and I asked for help. This last weekend was a wake up call for me and I scared my family and frankly, I scared myself.

My self harm to get some sleep made my husband to call 911 because I took too much drugs so I could get a good nights sleep but I over did it and woke up in the Emergency Room hooked up to an IV. It scared me.

Therapy in the past has helped and I know this time it will be better. I never want to put my family in a situation like I had this past weekend. I don't want to self harm myself again. I need to talk to someone who can help me deal with all the crap within my head.

This past weekend was a cry for help and I'm glad I'm strong enough to ask for it. Take Care, Peace!

Reality Bites!

Why does my heart hurt so much? I kind of know the answer to this question. I have been struggling with life. All around me everyone is living their life and I'm just stuck in an never ending battle with myself. It's raw and hurtful and I don't know how to get myself out of this anxiety of overwhelming pain. My life has changed after the pneumonia. I feel sad, depressed and I just feel like as much as I'm fighting to get better apart of me has sunk into a deep hole of emotional pain. I want my life back and to feel more than this sadness within my soul. I feel like I'm on the edge of life and I'm ready to burst into tears at any moment. I can see where my life is at now and I can see where I want to be like this push and pull of never ending sorrow.

I don't know how anyone can help me. I know my husband can see I'm struggling and I know his troubles are because of me. I can feel it within him thinking he's watching his wife slip away and he feels helpless to do anything. It's just hard because I have tried everything. I asked for medical help because I know my addition to prescription drugs has a hold on me. I didn't get help like I thought. By the medical professional I saw doesn't think I have a problem. I'm afraid to ask again for help. I have this struggle to pick up the phone because of the rejection I got the last time I called. I can't sleep without those pesky drugs but during the day the need for more is hurting me. I know where they are kept and my husband has them in the safe which I can't get too but if I could I would be taking them. That's how bad I am and I'm not on the hard stuff because I can't get to them.

I am learning to not need drugs and I know it's not my fault like it's not the Doctor's fault for prescribing them. I had a reason for needing drugs. I had lung surgery and they were much needed but now after months of healing my body wants them, needs them and I'm left fighting a battle within myself and I feel like I'm losing.

It's so difficult to just shut that part of myself off. I don't want to be hooked on drugs. I don't want this or feel like I should be going through this unnecessary pain of self conflicting struggle but I am. The push and the pull, the highs and the lows, the back and forth is what's killing me. I'm all over the map emotionally and I just want to feel normal again. I just want to smile and mean it. I just want to wake up feeling refreshed because I have forgotten how that feels then waking up with a headache, my body hurting and the need for more drugs. The need for more drugs is so painful. My body needs drugs and each time I give in apart of me falls apart. Apart of me feels like a failure like I don't have any self control. Why don't I have self control? I've tried going cold turkey, I've tried down grading like the Doctor's tell me and every time I try something it doesn't seem to work. I go as long as I can take it. I'm self inflicting and one of these days I'll be back in the hospital and this time I won't be so lucky.

I'm tried the blame game and anger just seems to just make me feel more emotional broken. I'm going away with the family this weekend and I'm hoping to just escape for a few days and maybe when I get back I'll drum up the courage to make that phone call again to get myself some help because I have no where to go and I don't want to live the way I'm living. This sucks and I'm hurting. I hurt and I feel empty and what more of a life lesson to learn than this....sacrificing who you are isn't worth the pain of addition!

Work Hard and you will Achieve!!

Yesterdays entry I said "I'm on a quest and journey I never thought I would be going on." I've been doing a lot of soul searching wanting to get the best out of my life as I can. I don't think it would have happened 10 years ago or even last year for that matter. It's a time in my life I'm finally realizing I have a purpose and a gift to share with the rest of the world.

We have experiences in our lives which change who we become. We experience choices and make decisions which can effect our outcome. I truly believe things happen for a reason. I'm coming self aware of this process. Things have fallen into place like it's just freaking me out at times. I shouldn't be freaked out about finding my life could be set in stone way before I was born. I don't know and I've been on this new quest to find out. It intrigues me and I'm curious to know what my journey holds.

Things that have taken place in my lifetime and all the good and the bad choices I have made lead me down this path. I experienced things I wish I had never experienced yet at the same time those things have shaped who I became. I'm not proud of my life choices which caused me pain but if I didn't experience and went though them I don't think I would appreciate my life right now.

I remember back in my most darkest times. I've talked about it before on my blog of self destruction and my feelings about it with my eating disorder, when I was raped, my childhood abuse, in my first abusive relationship in my late teens. I have touched a little about that time. I would like to share more. It was a difficult time for me and I struggled with that period in my life until I started looking at the bigger picture of my life.

It's the feeling like you're a victim. I was a victim of life of my own doing. I choose not to be a victim. When you allow yourself to be in a state of personal despair and allow yourself to crumble at every corner of your life when tough decisions need to be made because you can't deal I call that being a victim. Yes, I allowed myself to be the victim because it was easier to cry as a victim then face the hard truth of my surroundings.

Being a child of abuse you don't really realize you have choices because they were chosen for you and you do the best you can do to survive to live through it. I have done unspeakable things to survive. I would share them and my experiences with you but for the safety of my family and my sisters I will not disclose them to you. The reason I won't disclose this part of my life because I'm not here to punish anyone and I'm not here to cause any more pain. I want to express the hope everyone can over come darkness.  I will talk about the emotional aspect of what I went through to share and let people understand being a victim only furthers your own personal pain and as long as you don't forgive and allow yourself to move forward you will never heal your own heart.

I never wish pain and destruction on anyone. I would hope my children's journey will never have to deal with what I went through as a child, teenager and when I was in young adulthood. Some of the things I have witnessed and experienced to me were horrible and outright evil. That is something I would rather share that no matter what life throws at you, you have choices to deal with and be healed.

I think for 4 straight years I cried myself to sleep when I was in my teenage years. I was in so much pain it was hard to breath. I didn't want the day to end because the next day would be another day of hell. It was the feeling like my life was slowly being squeezed out of me and I didn't know when the day would come when I didn't know if I could take that one small step to move forward. It was crushing and devastating to know that I felt like no one was listening. I was living in an empty shell of my own existence. You feel so alone like no one can truly understand your thoughts and feelings like the old saying goes "shit happens". Shit does happen but it doesn't mean we can take it as it is. We can take that shit and throw it away.

My journey so far has been a process of up and downs. Right now, I'm self aware of my life choices. I have seen miracles in my life, I have surrounded myself with wonderful good hearted people and I have forgiven the people who have done the greatest harm to my being. There were reasons I went through those tough years. I didn't understand while I was going through it at the time because I was too broken to see the reasons why I needed to live through it. Sometimes when you're in a dark place it's hard to see that life is beautiful because everything in your being is diseased with only the hardship of your surroundings.

I truly believe now I went though those bad destructive times so I can have a better understand of life. I needed to understand the emotions, the pain and the sorrow to truly appreciate life is truly beautiful. I do have a voice and to voice my life through this means of expression to share what I know to people who are needing support or who want a better understanding to peoples humanity. I see life as a gift and to treasure the gift I was given. Love and acceptance of others because we're all human.

I didn't get this far in my 35 years of life by not working hard. I worked my ass off because I knew if I didn't then it would be a travesty. I would waste a perfectly good life because I didn't want to work hard and to learn and to grow. I have learned to love myself in my heart. I have learned to let go of the hardships that were keeping me in chains of self destruction. It wasn't easy. My journey wasn't easy and I have struggled just to let go. I have had long nights just feeling the hurt feelings from my life. I went though self pity until I faced what was keeping me from moving forward.

I accepted my life can be great if I just let go. My greatest gift is understanding hard work and in the end I will achieve an existence of the greatest life of all...love, hope and acceptance of each other. Take care, Peace!!

My faith and me!!

There comes a time in your life where you get it or you don't. If I haven't gotten it by now they my life would be a lot harder right now. There was a time in my life where I call it my dark period when my life was in chaos and despair. I was sinking spiritually and I didn't know how to get myself out of it. It was a rough and destructive time in my life where I would rather not want to experience again. I honestly don't know how I manged to survive that time. I was a mess and I was in pain but what kept me going is I new I deserved better. I was searching for a better life but the decisions I was making were making it tough for me until I got pregnant and then it was a whole new ball game. I didn't know at the time if I had religion or faith but I felt something was greater than I was and I held onto that. I knew if I kept believing something was guiding me onto the right path I should start believing it. I lost touch with God during my most trying times. Of course I did. Why would I think God loved me with the things I have done? It's not like I was living on the life of righteousness and I was doing things that you would consider sins from the bible so why would God forgive me? All I new about religion was Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he died for our sins. I just didn't understand what that meant. I just new I didn't fit the requirements for heaven. During my dark time I really didn't care if I went to heaven. Hell didn't seem all that bad because I really believed I deserved to wrought in hell. I didn't think I deserved anything better so that was fine for me until I was showed unconditional love like somehow people loved me for me and saw I did have something worth saving. Since my daughter has been born I realized my life is a vessel. It's what I make of it and I have the choice to make it great or I can make it a hell on earth. I can't blame my life on anyone but me. This last sentence I understand. It's so easy to just blame your bad decisions on someone else but to be understanding, responsible you have to own your own life. You choose to make decisions to burden your own life so blame yourself for your dumb ass decisions. Take responsibility for your life. If you believe in God or not. It's a good life lesson. There are decisions I have made in my life I feel are very hard for me to forgive myself. I have hurt people in my life whom I love and I respect. It's hard to just forgive my heart for that. It's my own way of suffering to remember where I have been. I'm not struggling with it in a way I'm hurting but I have put it in perspective to understand I have been truly forgiven in Gods eyes yet at the same time I remember those sins so I will make sure I will never go back. I'm truly sorry and I learned in my heart I could never do that again. I won't hurt my family like that. I will fight my inner demons so my family will never see me go through that part of my life. I know what the consequences are if I choose to go down the dark path in my life. I understand the pain of infidelity( on my part), eating disorders, and alcoholism. I could be missing some, but I know how destructive my life was and how much pain I was living in so I'm sure the people I loved and the people who loved me having to see that and knowing I was causing them pain. It's hard for me to think I was causing someone else pain. I'm truly sorry!! So you can imagine if I was hurting and I felt like I was drowning in the life then the people who love you are also feeling the pain and hurt watching you destroy your life. Why live like that? Why put yourself in situations where you know could be damaging your soul? I did and I could never in a millions years go back to that. I truly care about people, and sometimes I think I care a little to much but at the end of the journey I call my life I want to know I ran with it and lived the best I could the whole imperfect person I am. We all make mistakes but it's what you learn from those mistakes that count. I trust in God, I trust if I pray for answers I will get them. I asked for redemption and I pray and I repent my sins. I always tell my daughter you will never know your answer if you don't ask a question so I asked for help which guides me on the right path for a better life. By doing that I know I will get my answers. Sometimes I don't listen but when I do I can hear it and I know I'm doing the right thing. If you don't believe in God, it applies in the same way. Just try to do your best and make the right decisions and life will seems a whole lot easier. Life doesn't have to be hard and it's your choice if you allow it or not. Take care, Peace!!!

I am my own strength!!

I was asked recently about being in an abusive relationship and they wanted to know why I stayed for so long. I was 15 when I met the guy. He was 4 years older, my parents hated him and I wanted to get another boy jealous is why I pursued this relationship plus I wanted a high school boyfriend. Ha Ha and I don't think I ever found out if I made the other guy jealous or not. If I did he never told me about it and no one told me if he was so really, that was a lost cause. So funny trying to make another boy jealous and so high school. :) You don't go into a relationship with someone thinking it will turn abusive but over time it became one. I saw the signs right from the beginning but I ignored them. Some of the signs: I wanted to hang out with my friends he would get angry with me because I wasn't spending time with him. He would tell me he hated my friends and I shouldn't hang out with so and so because of this reason. Silly, looking back I had so many chances of just walking away. I figured I needed to understand this part of my life journey. There was a reason I went down this path in my life. The relationship didn't get physical until years into the relationship but in the beginning it was more verbal. I went into one abusive relationship to another. I was trying to escape my parents abuse and walked right into another. My faith was sealed and the only thing my mother taught me was to not give up on the one's I loved even though if that relationship was toxic. When we first started dating it was fun, we got along great but then he started making me choose between him and my friends to the point I was kind of isolated from my friends because this sounds so cheap I wanted to make him happy so I stopped hanging out with my best friends. It was great for him but shitty for me and at the time I was so clueless because I wanted to make him happy but when you're looking at the situation from the outside it was so easy to judge but when you're smacked in the middle stuck it was so much harder to just walk away. It's the pull on the heart strings and he knew just what to say to make me coming back for more. I really wanted this relationship to work and the problem with love you seem like a failure if you don't at least try to make it work. Thanks mom but I realized not every relationship is worth saving. The longer the relationship went the harder it is to just walk away and say not anymore. I tried so many times to just walk away and I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready like more scared to fail then anything. It's hard to get the courage to just pack your bags into the scary world on your own. I wasn't ready to fly on my own two feet. I was to dependent on him financially so I was drilled to think. I had no money of my own and if I got money it went straight to him. I didn't think I could make it on my own and when you start to believe the bullshit it makes it that much harder to think you can do it on your own. The pulling back and forth, the screaming, the name calling and it's just a bunch of chaos you can't seem to escape. I was lucky to have a great best friend and her family because I don't know if I could have left when I did. They showed me how I was worth having a good life without all the pain and being hurt on a regular basis. I don't think my best friend really believed me when I called her and told her I finally left him for good because it took me two long hard years to just say I'm not going to take this life anymore. I was always saying I'm going to leave but never did. I think I was becoming a broken record. I'm going to leave him, I'm going to leave him, I'm not happy I'm going to leave him after awhile it just gets faded into background noise. I needed to prove to myself I could stand on my own two feet and follow my dreams then someone else. That's all it was I was following his dreams and what he wanted and who cared what I wanted. Looking back now there were many factor's why I stayed for so long. I was running away from a bad abusive home, I wanted attention and someone to love me, I wanted to finally feel special and I wanted hope. Hope was the one reason why I stayed the most. I say hope because I was searching for a better life. I knew my parents couldn't give me the safety and security I needed and the hope I could find better. That dream shattered the night he beat me up for the first time. It wasn't about hope anymore but survival. I know my family and friends were telling me he wasn't a nice guy but I needed to make that choice for myself and all those times I felt defected it didn't help having people tell me I told you so and as stubborn as I am I just wanted to prove to them more I can make this relationship work. Really, I truly wanted this relationship to work because I loved him. With all the cheating on both our sides in the end their wasn't anything else to fight for. The relationship wasn't worth fighting for anymore. I was at the end of my rope. This relationship lasted for 7 1/2 years. Do I have regrets? Sure I do and I feel guilty for putting my family and friends through the pain of seeing me in a relationship like that. I regret not trusting them more knowing they were only looking out for me and I didn't want to listen. I regret walking away from great friendships and missing out on getting to know my sisters more. So yes, I have regrets but this may sound weird I do not regret being with him. It's not one of those situations where I wish I could go back for a due over because it may have changed my life journey and I like where I am today. I truly believe in my heart I needed to experience this life journey. It has made me stronger, more understanding of other peoples lives, I have more compassion and the love for life. Do I still love him? Sure I still love him but not the same way I love my husband and children. He's still apart of my history and I wish him the best and we may not be friends anymore but I don't hate him. I have forgiven him along time ago. I have moved on. The one thing about our relationship is we did have a lot of great times together and that's what I miss the most are the good times and the trips we went on. We sure had some wild times and that's what I want to remember than those times which were painful and dark. I walked away a better person and that's what I want to remember as well. No regrets and yes, my children will know about my history. My hubby and I made a promise before we got married we would never keep secrets in our family and that includes our children. When they are at an appropriate age I will disclose my history and we will talk about it. We're all human and I want my children to know their mother made mistakes but this is what I learned and did about it. Life is hard at times but I also want them to know I picked myself up and moved forward one step at a time. Take care, Peace!!!