My faith and me!!

There comes a time in your life where you get it or you don't. If I haven't gotten it by now they my life would be a lot harder right now. There was a time in my life where I call it my dark period when my life was in chaos and despair. I was sinking spiritually and I didn't know how to get myself out of it. It was a rough and destructive time in my life where I would rather not want to experience again. I honestly don't know how I manged to survive that time. I was a mess and I was in pain but what kept me going is I new I deserved better. I was searching for a better life but the decisions I was making were making it tough for me until I got pregnant and then it was a whole new ball game. I didn't know at the time if I had religion or faith but I felt something was greater than I was and I held onto that. I knew if I kept believing something was guiding me onto the right path I should start believing it. I lost touch with God during my most trying times. Of course I did. Why would I think God loved me with the things I have done? It's not like I was living on the life of righteousness and I was doing things that you would consider sins from the bible so why would God forgive me? All I new about religion was Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he died for our sins. I just didn't understand what that meant. I just new I didn't fit the requirements for heaven. During my dark time I really didn't care if I went to heaven. Hell didn't seem all that bad because I really believed I deserved to wrought in hell. I didn't think I deserved anything better so that was fine for me until I was showed unconditional love like somehow people loved me for me and saw I did have something worth saving. Since my daughter has been born I realized my life is a vessel. It's what I make of it and I have the choice to make it great or I can make it a hell on earth. I can't blame my life on anyone but me. This last sentence I understand. It's so easy to just blame your bad decisions on someone else but to be understanding, responsible you have to own your own life. You choose to make decisions to burden your own life so blame yourself for your dumb ass decisions. Take responsibility for your life. If you believe in God or not. It's a good life lesson. There are decisions I have made in my life I feel are very hard for me to forgive myself. I have hurt people in my life whom I love and I respect. It's hard to just forgive my heart for that. It's my own way of suffering to remember where I have been. I'm not struggling with it in a way I'm hurting but I have put it in perspective to understand I have been truly forgiven in Gods eyes yet at the same time I remember those sins so I will make sure I will never go back. I'm truly sorry and I learned in my heart I could never do that again. I won't hurt my family like that. I will fight my inner demons so my family will never see me go through that part of my life. I know what the consequences are if I choose to go down the dark path in my life. I understand the pain of infidelity( on my part), eating disorders, and alcoholism. I could be missing some, but I know how destructive my life was and how much pain I was living in so I'm sure the people I loved and the people who loved me having to see that and knowing I was causing them pain. It's hard for me to think I was causing someone else pain. I'm truly sorry!! So you can imagine if I was hurting and I felt like I was drowning in the life then the people who love you are also feeling the pain and hurt watching you destroy your life. Why live like that? Why put yourself in situations where you know could be damaging your soul? I did and I could never in a millions years go back to that. I truly care about people, and sometimes I think I care a little to much but at the end of the journey I call my life I want to know I ran with it and lived the best I could the whole imperfect person I am. We all make mistakes but it's what you learn from those mistakes that count. I trust in God, I trust if I pray for answers I will get them. I asked for redemption and I pray and I repent my sins. I always tell my daughter you will never know your answer if you don't ask a question so I asked for help which guides me on the right path for a better life. By doing that I know I will get my answers. Sometimes I don't listen but when I do I can hear it and I know I'm doing the right thing. If you don't believe in God, it applies in the same way. Just try to do your best and make the right decisions and life will seems a whole lot easier. Life doesn't have to be hard and it's your choice if you allow it or not. Take care, Peace!!!