When Darkness slips in!

I am so sleep deprived because last night every time I fell asleep my mind went places so I was up most of the night. I think over all I had about 2 hours of horrible sleep plus the kids are home from school today because of some teacher conference.  So I'm not a coffee drinker but I"m serious of brewing me up several pots of it to keep the caffeine going.

The kids are up playing in there rooms so I have some time to reflect, pray and try not to fall apart like I kept doing yesterday but my heart is sad, it's breaking and I can't reach out and it's really bothering me. I just want to head over to my friends house and tell them my family loves his family. We are here supporting him and will keep supporting him. I want to tell him my journey is giving awareness to minor sex trafficking here in the USA and what I do doesn't mean I'm trying to hurt him.  I want to tell him his weakness doesn't define him. I want to tell him how sorry I am because all the posts I had on Facebook wasn't something he wanted to see all the time especially what he was doing was the very thing I was exposing. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to destroy him or expose his weakness. I didn't know and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!

I hope he responses to my card I sent him. I hope he reaches back because our stories crossed for a reason.    It can't just be this. Oh man, my heart is breaking like waves come over me and I can't breath. I can't apologize for following my own journey but the pain deep within my soul is crying out and the tears reach the surface and I know I have to move on believing he's safe and Leaders of the Church are taking care of him. I have to believe he's on the road to healing and I have to believe this will not swallow me whole and not let darkness in and at times, I'm afraid it all ready has.

I would feel so much better if I knew he was okay. I don't like the unknown and I just want to wrap my arms around him and tell him he's loved. Just because I'm an Advocate for Sex Trafficking doesn't mean I see him differently.

Man, I just want to call him up, I want to send him a Text Message, I want to send his wife a Text Message and I just want to send him an email but at the Emergency Church Meeting his family wants some space so I have to respect their wishes.

I thought the Abortion debate was hard enough but this just tops the cake. I didn't expect this news. It wasn't even on my radar of things to be an issue but here it is facing me. Yes, it's facing me staring right at me expecting me to react to the news like it's waiting for me to move. Will I fall apart or will I rise to the difficulty? I don't even know. My lack of sleep is swaying me all over the place good and bad. Maybe I'll leave it at that and go take care of my children. I just know, I got Jesus this time. Take Care, Peace!

We have Value!

I suffer quietly with anxiety attacks and I keep quiet because I feel awkward and indifferent and when I'm in social situations I feel like I just want to hide in the corner. Sometimes I force myself to say something, smile and force myself to open up of who I am. It's never easy. It's downright hard to express my most inner secrets because I’m a product of Bullying. I have been told I’m not worth it, I’m not responsible, I’m a dirty alcoholic Indian when I was 10, I was called the “N” word when I was 6, I was called brown cow when I was 14, I was called chocolate milk that’s sour and stinks and I can go on and on of the injustice I have suffered because of who I am. I lived it and I suffered and I don’t want other children to feel like I have throughout my life. I don’t want any child to feel ashamed of who they are. This isn’t a pity party. I just want people to know their actions really do affect people they tear down just to make themselves feel better.

It’s how our society justifies Bullies by putting up a YouTube video of said situation where the video gets a million hits and who does that really serve?, not the child who’s face is plastered all over the video being harassed, beat up and embarrassed knowing millions of people are watching them get humiliated over and over for the world to see. How is that fighting against bullying? We’re no better than the people doing the bullying by watching these videos of a child being exploited by a YouTube video.

The reason I'm opening up because I'm getting tired of children killing themselves for being who they are, or hearing about racial discrimination, and sexual harassment, being discriminated because you’re a female, discriminated because you’re male, transgendered, your sexual preference, religion, and non-religious people. I’m tired of hearing about a child going into a school and shooting people because they were treated like an outcast and they couldn’t take life with their peers any longer. How tragic these children who should have a life full of love are being tormented, and who are silently hurting and are praying to die. There are kids who secretly pray to die and that is horrifying to me. These kids should have soft places to fall and to know someone truly believes they are valuable then going through life thinking no one cares for them if they are here or not. That hurts my heart knowing we have children in our world who are hurting and would rather lash out and kill other kids because their hearts are broken.

I’m tired of people fighting because they are Republican, Democrat, Tea Party, the 99%, and the 53%, Independent, Rich or Poor. What’s the point? We all are not molded the same and science has proven we are all different. So why we feel we all should act and behave equally when we are not. We all have opinions, we all have different values and we all think we know what’s right for the whole body as a whole. How can we change the next generation when we don’t have good role models for our younger generation to look up too? How can they learn when the older generation is doing the same thing on media outlets and all over our Television sets but then turn around and we tell our youth it’s not okay to behave like that? It’s all for the greater good right? Having a double standard of how to treat people is not okay and it’s shouldn’t be considered that’s what people do.

I'm tired of being singled out because of the color of my skin and get a job because I’m considered a minority and a company is only filling their quota. I’m tired of people exploiting my gender because I'm female and the “what I can't do” because I'm female. I’m getting tired of not saying anything sooner because I believe I do have value and have a voice. I’m tired I’m part of the problem because I haven’t stepped up because I think someone else will do it. So I’m going to get off the comfort train and start saying something. I’m saying that we as a society need to change if we want the injustice of bullying to stop. It starts with us, the individual to be accountable for our actions so our generation can be an example to the next generation.

What I’m trying to say is I don’t want another child to suffer because our society won’t step up and stop bullying and neither should our humanity!!

Thanks for your time!!

Is this the end of the road?

I've been thinking about ending this blog. I have no inspiration to chat, bitch or write about anything. I had great idea's of things I wanted to talk about but then I would get mad. I've been getting mad a lot lately and it's so hard to keep my mouth shut because I have a lot to say but actually writing my thoughts in a respectful matter without writing this person is a dumbass is quiet hard so I haven't been writing because I'm trying to be a respectful person and frankly it's hard. I want to slap so many people upside the head it's not funny.

I keep saying I woke up and the world has gone mad. How am I going to raise my kids where my being is being challenged and to raise them in a world where life doesn't make sense? It's going to be work and at ever turn the more they get older I will have to challenge the crazy society we live in and whatever it will throw at them. I'm always thinking of my kids. It's always about my kids.

It's not that I want my kids to live without hardship because I think that's part of life but I want them to understand with a moral foundation of love and acceptance with out hurting their integrity.

Maybe I should change my thought process when I read the news or when I read an article a friend has posted on Facebook because lately I just shake my head and profanities just come out in my head. It's quite sad really our humanity has gone this far with little care and understanding of each others uniqueness. If only people would just stop and see the diversity as a blessing rather than a hindrance.

Why is it when you have an opinion someone doesn't like it neither turns into you're a racist, a hate monger, you're misinformed etc etc? When you resort to ignorance to make a point you have already lost your argument.

I just know I'm not going to be quiet and I'm going to stand up for what's right which means I'll stand with my friends and stand up for people I don't agree with because love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

So as much as I want to slap so many people upside the head I know that's not the answer so I'll just shower them with hugs and kisses and tell them they are loved. We are worthly and so is my blog so I will stick around a little longer. Take care, Peace!!

Life is exploding!!

I'm at a crossroads in my life. I'm scared out of my mind. The fear of choosing which path to take and will I make the right choice. I haven't completely given my life to Christ and maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm just scared to completely let go of my control to a belief I know that's right. I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions and the unknown is making me feel like a failure and defected.

I feel defected. There I said it. I lie to myself often like if I let that part of my being be honest it's like I'm a failure. I live to be positive. I want to inspire and to bring a new understanding of supporting one another of lifting people up who are lost so they too can see the world as good.

I know who I am. 10 years ago if you asked me who I was I probably would have said something generic because I really didn't know. My life is clear to me now. I know what I stand for yet at the same time I feel lost of where to go from here. Where am I supposed to belong?

I read the news and my heart is breaking with all this suffering in the world. Our legacy for the next Generation doesn't look great. We are a stepping stone for the next Generation neither to succeed or to fail. I want my children to succeed but how can we allow them to have the opportunities to grow as a Generation when we are planting the seeds for them to fail? We should be lifting each other up to give them the freedoms to carry on to their next Generations to further on in our humanity to be come greater than they are.

Why is selfishness being rewarded when charity is being victimized? We use charity to help our fellow man and we do it because it's the right thing to do. Feeling like charity is an obligation really diminishes the truth of true givings. It's not what's asked of us for what we do it's the compassion of loving someone for who they are and you want to help because you care. It's not because it's expected of you.

Our society rewards people who just want to take from people because they feel they deserve more. We all deserve more by our ability to accept each other of what we can give of ourselves to the good of humanity with our strength to lift up the lost, the weak and to raise children so they can do the same.  How can we grow in our humanity when people want to take more then they truly deserve by allowing people to suffer so they can have their human rights? We all deserve human rights. That's a given but not on the backs of our brothers and sisters to bring them down so they can raise themselves up. How does that help anyone? Why do we feel like it's something to acheive to pull people down just to make ourselves feel better?

I feel like I'm being pulled in a direction of my life where I'm scared to death. I have hope yet at the same time I feel like if I go towards this direction and down this path I'm being drawn too I will fail. I don't want to fail. I guess I need to have more faith in what's good. I have surrendered to what's good and my feeling of defect is sharing in my pain to the world to see we are all imperfect. We should have pride for who we are as humans. I'm proud to stand up for what's right and to defend what's right. Maybe I'm just conflicted because I know the path I'm supposed to go down and I'm just fighting it out of my own personal fear. Maybe I should just let go!!

I'm proud to be living today. Lets inspire each other to be great and lets support each other to lift each other up. Take care, Peace!!

Inspire because it's just right!!

I had to write something because the last post was dark and emotional. I have to start this weekend with a kind post with love and I want to touch someone tonight on this wonderful Friday night. I'm listening to some beautiful touching music and I'm excited for life. I'm excited for some good times coming not meaning in material things but inspiration to truly believe we can be wonderful and great people who are strong, beautiful and who are kind people who truly care of what this country, it's world, it's people are capable of doing extraordinary work.

Unless you are greedy or evil we all want the best. We believe in loving oneself and each other. We want to help as much as we are capable of doing. No one wants suffering but we are the world, we can make things happen. Who really needs a Government telling you , you can't be loving, you can't be giving and you are not capable of wanting to help their fellow man, woman, child etc? We just go out and do it because it's our duty in humanity to not allow someone to fall.

I know its the persons choice to fall but it doesn't mean you can't tell them you care. It doesn't mean you can't show them love and understanding. You may be there voice because they don't have one. Who knows but it doesn't help when we don't do anything. At the moment this is my voice.... this small little blog.

Lets inspire the good in people. Lets give people who are lost the chance to see this world the way it's meant to be. We are all blessed to walk this earth. We are here for a reason and whatever that maybe we need to use our weakness, our strength and show compassion to people who feel unworthy. Lift them up to see the good in this world one person at a time. Life is truly great!! Take care, Peace!

The Dark side of Life!!

Disclaimer: Fowl language in this Post!!

I get it and I understand life can be hard. I've been in places in my life where it was painful to live. Each day wasn't any better then the next. I understand people love drama for themselves or watching, reading and participating in other peoples drama. It's in our nature and sometimes we enjoy it watching other people suffer and sometimes it makes us feel better knowing someone else is suffering just like yourself. Our society is deep rooted with drama, suffering and sometimes people just need it to have meaning whatever that may be for themselves. I had plenty of drama directly and indirectly in my lifetime and frankly I'm getting to the point I would prefer not to have as much. It's really exhausting.

When you are walking with suffering in your life it really is hard to see the world as happiness. You are angry the world is shitting on you. You see other people with joy and you just want them to fuck off, neither you are jealous of them or really you just want them to fuck off.

Sometimes it's just easier to hate the world and everyone in it then to fix your life. It's like you are so down on your life working to make things better is harder so living your life with discontent is what you're going to do. It's not like you deserve a better life and it's not like you deserve to be happy. It's like you're not worth anything better so why bother changing things. Life is a sack of shit so I'll accept it as my life and struggling with life is at least something.

It's a dark world and you never see the good stuff. You never see the opportunities surrounding your life or the people who love and care for you. All you think is they are just trying to get in your business being all righteous like they are perfect and they just don't understand you. You think they are telling you how to live your life and they don't know you. They don't know what you have been through and they sure as hell need to back off because it's your life and they really don't know how you are feeling. What do they know? They haven't gone through my struggles or my heart breaks so how can they help me besides being in my business. You really don't want to hear it neither it makes you fell like more shit or you hear some truth in what they are saying and it makes you feel like shit for seeing your life like shit. It's never a win, win!!

Of course, you don't want to hear it because of your self worth. When you don't give yourself much respect or credit no matter what anyone says you don't believe them because you don't like yourself all that much. Why would you like yourself? The world is against you and suffering just follows you everywhere you go and you never get a break on anything. It's always something which keeps bringing you down. You have the "got ya" moments to prove life is full of shit. You understand the saying "shit happens" because you are living it.

You feel alone because no one understands your pain. No one understands your circumstances and you have lost friends because obviously they don't care and it's there loss. They were bitches and who needs that righteousness anyway like their shit don't stink. I'm better off without them.

It really is a lonely life. Seeing the world like that is sad and the despair, the pain, the not feeling like you are loved, that no one understands me or can understand me is an empty shell of a life. I happened to live some of my life is this. I went through a period of my life full of rage, sorrow, frustration and anger. No one could hate me more than I hated myself. It's sad way of life. The hard part were the tears of not knowing what was next like it was bad enough you couldn't deal with life the way it is yet more things were piling up on your plate like "Come on....really?" Enough is enough yet you keep living it over and over and it's not like you don't want to have an easy life but getting their would be work. How can you deal with work when you got all this shit to do already?

It's not easy changing your life around and seeing the world differently. It took me years and at times the work was more difficult to deal with but you keep working at it. You keep moving forward with baby steps and when you fall you pick yourself up and you keep moving. You're going to get bruised and feel beaten but in the end it's all worth it. One day you will look back and hold those scars of your life with pride.

This is how I did it. Each time a problem came up as much as it hurt I dealt with the issue. I was straight up with the problem that was burdening my heart. I dug in deep and worked it out so I could let them go so when things got tough those issues wouldn't bother me anymore. Then I moved on to the next problem and worked each issue out until life started looking easier. I could see the light on the other side. Then dealing with my problems were getting much easier. You're going to have short comings and old problems will creep back into your life. You pat yourself on your back and you push through.

The more learning you do about yourself you realize how strong you really were for putting up with all your shitty baggage you were carrying around on your back. The lighter you become by working on your craziness you realize you don't want to carry that shit anymore. It was heavy..damn you it hurt. Then you realize you don't want to live like that anymore. You are strong and you realize how strong you are and it gives you strength to push through the chaos of your life.

When things become easier and you learn you really are worth it then you get hit by a ton of bricks called........ guilt!!! Oh my, my bricks of guilt consumed me down to my core being. How do you get out of that? For me I allowed myself to mourn my past life. I started building my foundation to be stronger and more resistance so when troubles came my way it was easier to deal with. My foundation didn't crumble to the ground every time I was hit with the shit part of life. You can never change the past but only live in the present and hope for the future. To move forward you ask for forgiveness and you give forgiveness and life is not easy but it can be exciting and joyful. The light feels warm and inviting. The dark is cold and depressing. You choose what you are willing to live with.

I prayed on this post to guide me on what I should say. It was not easy on me and at times hurt with sadness. I truly believe in love. I care for you and I understand the dark life and with help I want to hold your hand and be there. Someone out there cares for you even when life is lonely. I learned though my dark times you really can't do it on your own. So you will need to put your guard down and ask for support. Support has been there all along and you just need to reach out and embrace it.  Life is love and life is responsibility!! Take care, Peace!!

As in At Peace!!

I've been thinking about Peace lately. What does that really mean? Sure I put it at the end of my posts and for me Peace means acceptance of one's self. Peace is commonly understood as the absence of hostility. So if you are hostile to your inner being you are not at Peace. If you love yourself and you are confident for the love of yourself you know who you are. You are not struggling to figure out what you believe or who you are as a person. You are who you are as a person and there is no question in your mind. So of course, you would have a strong understanding of your inner foundation that makes up your love which in sense is peace with no struggle and you have no burden.

When we struggle with ourselves we don't have love in our hearts and if we do we're in pain about it. You are searching for acceptance from people, from life but how can you receive acceptance from others if you can't do it for yourself first. If someone told you are beautiful but you don't believe you are beautiful then you're not going to believe them fully. If you believe you are beautiful and someone told you are beautiful you're going to believe them fully.

At one point in my life I didn't like myself all that much. I was in mass destruction within myself and I didn't know who I was. It was a lonely time for me. I felt like I was being torn in two different directions. I hope I will never have to go through that again. For one, I didn't know who I was as a person. I thought I knew but I didn't truly or I wouldn't have been in a position to hate myself. I now enjoy being by myself with my thoughts. It's not so dark in there. I slowly started to know who I was and what I wanted, what I loved, who I wanted to become and I worked on myself to release the burden within my heart. I worked on my forgiveness for the burden I was feeling and the acceptance of myself. It's a process and I'm not quite there but I'm on the road.

Once I feel like I'm in a place where the foundation is there I can share my peace with others and help others with compassion and understanding they too can feel at peace too. It's like in the beginning of a relationship. You want to know who the other person is to see if they are compatible with you so why can't you do that for yourself?

I know it's the hardest thing I had to do is forgive myself for my failures and my bad decisions and the people who have hurt me. It took along time to forgive myself. It also took me me a hard time to forgive others who have hurt me. In the process of learning what I wanted in life I realized when you hold a grudge toward others it doesn't hurt them. They are not hurting and they are not fixated on the pain which the burden is only on you. Let that go however you want too because it's really not worth it. You are not punishing them but yourself for allowing yourself to not forgive. I forgive you and I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to release the burden from my painful feelings, my angry feelings and the struggle which isn't allowing me to move forward.

So necessarily you don't have to forgive the person whom has hurt you in person for example: I couldn't get passed the pain and suffering my mother had on my heart for verbally abusing me when I was a kid. I wanted validation from her to move on and I never got it from her. Her denial of her part in my suffering only hurt me and I couldn't move on from that. I couldn't understand why she was in denial of my pain she caused me. It was like I wanted her to suffer as badly as I was feeling. So when I poured my heart out about my feelings to her on her abusing me and I didn't get what I wanted from her. It hurt me even more which broke my heart because she was my mother and I loved her. She was my mother and I didn't understand why she wasn't giving me compassion and the love I was needing from her. I was broken and I was searching for love from the wrong place. I needed to forgive and then in return find love within my own inner being to love oneself. 

When I was getting to know who I was as a person I learned I needed to validate my own feelings. I know I was abused and I know it hurt me so when I finally got it I forgave my mother. The pain in my heart was my own burden and allowing myself to keep hurting was my own suffering and not hers.

I didn't want to hurt anymore and over time I have released the burden I was carrying around within me. Having Peace is refreshing and it feels good. I like good which in turns gives me a better outlook on my life. So we all want peace. We all can have peace but we need to work towards Peace and we need to share our peace with others. So go out and enjoy your life and start the journey of forgiveness.... what ever that is for you. Take care, Peace!!!

The Cross which speaks my name!!

My husband wanted to buy me a cross awhile ago and I told him when I was ready I would get one. I wouldn't call myself having a conventional definition for my faith. I'm very spiritual even before I started my journey with Christ. I just didn't want to get a Cross to have a Cross. I wanted it to have meaning not only for Jesus sacrificing his life for us but also meaning for me spiritually so I personally will remember Gods love. I need a connection like a testimony to my faith in which I can relate too!!

I'm not here to demand everyone has to be religious or have some form of religion because it's personal to the individual. I don't want religion pushed on me so I'm not going to push it on you. I just want to explain my journey on how I found my cross.

I shared with you a poem close to my heart called Footprints in the Sand GO HERE. (Sorry about the non edited version. I don't know what happened to my blog but time is busy and I haven't gotten around to fix this blog.)

Anyway, This Poem has great meaning to me. Especially when I thought God had forsaken me. I was broken and had lost my faith on many of occasions.....too many to count!!  But I always found my way back to this poem like it was speaking to my soul and my heart that I wasn't alone and God was carrying me. Reading footprint's in the Sand the last sentence "it was then that I carried you" is engraved on the back of my cross. On the front are footprints. I know it's not the traditional cross but when I saw this cross in the store I knew this was my cross.

It's like God was communicating with me the only way he knew I would understand his message. I know this poem isn't out of the bible. I know a women wrote this poem but the message of God's love affected my life in ways I can't express. Times in my life I did forget the message but now........I proudly wear my cross around my neck so I will never forget his message of his love for me. I am blessed in so many ways even when I don't really understand why? Take care, Peace!!

Change is Good or is it?

It's 9 in the morning and I'm having popcorn with my son. We're sitting here enjoying Dora the Explorer and having a bowl of salty buttery popcorn. It's quite satisfying. This is a good change. I can enjoy this.

Since my daughter started her school career I've been lagging behind in my own life endeavors. I have so much I want to do but it seems like the weeks are just flying by. My weekends are busy busy and I'm not complaining about that but I do need to just relax and maybe I should schedule it in between nap time and homework.

I'm not completely healthy so balancing my time and making sure I don't have a burn out is like juggling. It's a process and lately I'm not so good at it. I'm figuring out what works best for me. I'm not getting much sleep because I'm spreading my time between my family members which it doesn't give me enough time to get the allotted sleep I need to make it through my day. I know, and I need to figure this out before I land my butt in the ER again.

Which I'm in a panic now because as much as I'm working on my schedule to balance out my life so I don't neglect my own needs....... I'm coming down with a cold!!! I can handle a cold and that's taking medication and having the excuse to complain but my husband is going on another Business trip and he'll be gone for a week this time...leaves Sunday. I know I can get help taking care of the kids from my mother in law but still. I don't need to get sick like this. It's like okay, I'm going to get sick but the timing is a little off. Why couldn't I catch a cold after he gets back?

This is change I don't like. Change of rearranging my schedule to fit my lack of ability. I have a problem giving up a little of my power to control my own independence. It's like a fear of forgetting how to take care of ones self because you're so used to leaning and depending another person to survive.  It's been a few years where I had to lean onto my husband for support with the kids, the home, the medical difficulties, and my own pressures of giving up control. Now I'm feeling a little like I'm a failure. Yes, I go there. This is my moment of weakness.......

Honestly, I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can handle and what I can't. I know my own inner demons and I have choices.  I can choose to wallow in my own self pity or I will survive like I have always done. I will make an honest effort to weather the storm that comes my way. This cold of mine is nothing. I have to remember in the last 4 years of my hardest times where it was difficult to get the energy to feed my children. This is nothing compared to finding the strength to make it through the day afraid of passing out, afraid I wouldn't be here for my kids, my husband and not knowing why my system was failing me. So getting a cold is nothing compared to my most trying times. This is change I can live with. Knowing I made it through those days of not having the energy to survive and I did. I managed and I did it so I know I can manage to rearrange my life to get through this bump in the road.  This is nothing!! Take care, Peace!!

Powering your Mind!!

I love reading books. I keep telling my children "Mommy's book collection is my legacy to you". The love of reading is a passion for me just like Music is apart of my soul and well being. I like soaking my brain full of knowledge. I typically have an open mind when it comes to books. No subject is off limits to me. I have a vast collection of books about the Holocaust. I have political books, books about faith, books about History, books that are fiction, non fiction and books which celebrities have written.

I make time in my schedule to read. I have 8 books ready for me to dig right in. I'm sure if I had free rein I would put my family into the poor house because of my love of reading. I have to use self control when it comes to buying books.

When I stop being lazy I may set up something on my blog of the books I have read. I don't know yet but we'll see. Here's my fall reading list and I'm hoping to finish these books before Winter starts.

The Roots of Obama's Rage-Dinesh D'Souza
Barefoot in Baghdad-Manal M. Omar
The Confirmation-Ralph Reed
Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass an American Slave
The Communist Manifesto and Other Writings-Karl Marx and Freidrich Engels
The Federalist-Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, and John Jay

Coming later is Rules for Radicals and Propaganda. My husband couldn't get these two books at the bookstore yesterday because they didn't have them so I'm going to order these two off the Internet. It's like I need to know.

I don't agree with the Presidents ideology and it doesn't make me a racist but I also want to know where he comes from as a man. I want to know because maybe I'll get a better understanding of where his character is pushing for his policies. I'll be getting his books this winter.

Most of the books I have read in the last 6 months usually are not books I would choose to read but I feel it's important I read books out of my interests range so I know what's going on in the world around me. Would I typically read The Communist Manifesto? No, but I do want to understand Marxists and Communists. I normally wouldn't even read the Federalist neither but I feel obligated to read about USA History for my children's sake so they learn the truth about their Countries History then what the Progressives in this Country want you to learn. I'm learning more on Woodrow Wilson. Mr. Wilson was the first huge push on the Progressives in this Country. I would like to know how they think.

I always want to find the truth for myself. I want to understand more and learn more. You want to know a book that would blow your mind. Read Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. The book horrified me. Lets just say after reading this book I'm awake now as in I will be more vigilant in what the Government is doing and if that means I have to stretch my mind to insanity I will. Take care, Peace!!

Indianprincess...this is me!!

Who are you? Well my real name is Darlene. I like writing about random things and most of the time I'm listening to some form of music. I am a wife to the most understanding and supportive husband and I'm a mother to two wonderful little kids age 5 and 3. I have lots of self anxieties which neither is a hindrance or a gift. I haven't made up my mind about that yet. I characterize myself as an awkward goof with a kind heart. I kinda get flighty when I feel like life is getting too structured for me yet I like to be laid back and that's another conflicting trait I possess.

My husband is my opposite which comes in handy when I'm all over the place when I'm stuck in my head. He brings me back to earth with my wacky doodle tenancies. I like sharing my life experiences and I'm not ashamed of what I have written on my blog. It's my life and what can I do?

Some people may think I'm just crazy and I'm fine with that. I'll take the job as the crazy person because someone has to take the job. I don't take myself serious as you can tell. I like to bring emotion to everything I do. I like to be reminded people are human and we all have feelings especially one's we want other people not to know about. I'm typically in your face about it. I may inspire someone or at least give someone a good laugh. I'm not picky with my writing and it is what it is!!

I seriously want a tattoo but I'm afraid of needles and putting myself through pain just to have a cute picture permanently sketched on my skin freaks me out. I don't care for pain. That's why I don't have one. I can still dream.

I've been a diabetic since I've been 17 years old. It sucks!! When my Doctor's bitch me out for not checking my blood sugars more often I just want to tell them to shove the lancet up their asses. Poking your finger hurts like hell.

I still have my demons I'm dealing with for example I have body image issues contributed by my eating disorder and on my good days I feel sexy and on my off days I feel like a frumpy old women. When I feel like a new change it's usually my hair that gets mangled first.

Feeling like you have no energy to function is hard. Going through this time was hard and frustrating and so exhausting I really don't know how I managed. It amazes me how my family managed through the worst of my health problems and we may be a little off and dysfunctional but we're here and that's all that matters.

I'm a work in progress and I change everyday tweaking myself here and there. I try to stay positive and I'm trying to getting my dysfunction out of my life. I know it's part of who I am so maybe the correct thing to say is I'm working on my dysfunction so I don't let it run my life into the ground. One step at a time!! We all need a hero in our lives and mine is the world!!

This is who I am!! You like me or you don't. No love lost!! Thank you for stumbling upon my craziness!! Take care, Peace!!

Something New!!

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
My heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I have to
Hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

These are some of the lyrics to the Song Reflection sung by Christina Aguilera from the movie Milan. I feel like that so often wanting to show what's in my heart but feel like I have to hide who I am. I'm not afraid to tell the world anymore. I'm going to stand up and be proud to show the real me and maybe I'll need help expressing myself through one song at a time.



I believe in being inspired by love, honor and just believing in yourself. I may not have the answers and I get discouraged but I know I have mended a broken heart, seen horrible things in my lifetime but I want to share all the good too. Life can be great and our world could be great. We just need to accept life!!

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence

Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence

If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence

This song from Enigma touches my heart. I cry each time I hear it. I feel empowered with a sense of belonging to the truth and just following your own way in the world. The message is so powerful and speaks from the heart. The return to innocence. I can never turn back time but I can only move forward. I want to return to innocence and to believe in my destiny.



Life is what you make of it. I want my life to be the best it can be. Take care, Peace!!

Holding on!!

I'm feeling a little discouraged today. My emotions are all over the place so I thought I would use today as a writing base for a therapy session free of charge. It's not like I woke up today thinking I'm just emotionally broken. I see the world right now and it frightens me. I don't want to give up or I don't want to be afraid to speak my mind or feel like I'm a horrible person because I have different values than you do. I don't want to change any one's mind. I just know what I believe in and what I want. I can see good in a world of chaos and I'm holding on as tight as I can.

Yes, one of my fears is speaking my mind on what I believe. Can you imagine I'm shy? and sometime my fear makes me overly shy. I've been working on this fear for more than 10 years. I was never the person to have conversations on religion or politics but lately in the last several years I kinda started too. I was afraid too speak my mind before because of what people would think of me and I never wanted to rock the boat. I didn't want to argue with someone because I have seen heated discussions already from my past about politics and it had gotten ugly. I don't like watching two people who are passionate turn the conversation personal because they both have different ideology. Of course. when I was younger I never talked about religion because frankly I was never religious and had nothing to say really. It was a whatever attitude about religion.

Now as an adult if I don't speak my mind and stand up for what I believe is right by respecting the other point of view then I'm part of the problem. My time on the side lines sadly is over. I want to respect people even when I don't agree with what they have to say. I want to express my views in a way without attacking the other side. I want to show by example.

I know I'm a good person and I know I'm not a racist. My belief if you call it is individualism if that's a word. Yes, it's an ideology. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Individualism ]

Individuality is the state or quality of being an individual; a person separate from other persons and possessing his or her own needs, goals, and desires.

 I didn't read everything on wikipedia yet about individualism to make up my opinion but the basis of individualism is more to my belief structure than being a Progressive, Marxist, etc. which in turn I don't believe in Collective Salvation. I can't help you find God more than you can tell me God doesn't exist because you are different than me and I'm different than you. We can co-exist if we all respect we are all different and can understand we are all different.



It's so easy to infringe on someones life then to infringe upon your own life. We judge and I'm guilty of it too because we are imperfect and we make mistakes. It's our nature!! Take care, Peace!!

My Faith and I Believe!!

I watched the most beautiful moment tonight that I haven't seen in along time. It made me realize how much faith I have within my heart. It also reminded me of the miracles I have seen in my life. The gifts I have been given by God. It makes you humble. My life is blessed and I wouldn't have believed it until I saw the sweet bundle of joy when my daughter was born. She was my blessing from God and ever since then I cherish the moment when I started my path to become closer in my faith in God and the teachings of Jesus Christ.

The power of prayer is amazing. I've been in the dark and it's not a good place to be in. It's struggle, it's pain, it's despair and it's torture. It hurts like crazy and I know because I've lived a difficult time for years and it still makes me sad to think about those times. I also know the light. I also know how it feels too truly be loved. It makes me want to be a better person inside and out.

After my son was born the struggle with my health was difficult. You ask yourself "why me?" I asked and after years of waiting for Doctor's to give me the answers I prayed and decided to do something for myself. I couldn't live the way I was living so I did something about it. I made a choice for me to get off of prescription drugs. It's been a few months of helping myself for a better life because I prayed on it and I'm not 100% better but my outlook in life is 150% because I'm feeling like my old self again. I prayed and listened for the answer. I heard loud and clear of it's message. I truly believe!!

I'm not ashamed to say I believe in God. I'm not going to hide my faith because it's not Popular at the moment. I trust in something far greater than myself and I'm just one person who has been touched in miraculous ways because I'm a follower of Jesus Christ!!Take care, Peace!!

I'm working on this!!

I have FEAR and it can be from anything really, the economy, natural disasters, war etc. I panic when I feel like things that are happening today scares me and I like to be prepared for anything. I like to feel like I'm in control of any situation that comes my way. I don't like being side swiped on life. My fear comes from my childhood. I realized where this fear has come from and now I'm working on it. I would prefer not to live like this. The more I read about things I don't want to read because it's down right scary I freak out. I really don't want to pass off my fear to my children.

I want to work out a problem and solve it like right now. I'm almost finished my emergency kit. I hope all the preparations I have done will be enough and sometimes I doubt myself like maybe I don't have every thing I need to survive or my families survival. Yes, I worry about things like this. What happens if this scenario happens? Do we have everything we need? What happens if the economy collapses and we have to survive by Bartering? What's more valuable..food, water etc. Do we have enough?

I used to think my fear is what drives me to be a better person but now I'm kinda thinking my stance on this. I think it's nice to have some fear in your life but not when it's runs your life. My fear is running my life and I'm working on changing it. My hubby is great when I get on a panic rant with my fears because he's my rational rock. He works with me to see everything is going to be okay. I guess I need to have more faith. When you are young and the only one you feel you can count on is yourself it's hard to give up a little of your control away. It's not easy and sometimes I even resist myself but I'm slowly understanding to not be so fearful I need to give up my control on things I have no control over.

Sure it's nice to be prepared for things but not going overboard like I have been doing. It's not healthy. I truly believe I will manage to survive if anyone of my end of the world scenario's happen. I know in my being I can be a leader to get through anyone of my scenario's but I want to be prepared. I need to be prepared but with life you truly will never be prepared until something happens. I need to believe and have faith I will be alright. I need to lean on my faith a lot more. Just let it go!!

Trust in things which will carry me to make the right decisions like trust in my intuition. Knowing I'm doing the best I can and when things come up to make the decisions that will better the situation then crumble to the ground because it's hard. I got this and it's not easy and I'm working on it. Take care, Peace!!

I'm a Work in Progress!!

I haven't gotten this far in my enlightenment by myself. I have surrounded myself by good people in my life. We can be selfish in what we want for ourselves but we also need to have good support from the people around us. You as an individual need to help yourself and have a strong moral foundation before you can start helping others.

I have picked my own broken self off the ground may of times in my lifetime. Sometimes I didn't know if I could pick myself back up. It was a struggle. It was pure uncontrollable pain of self despair. I don't know how many times I had to convince myself to keep moving forward. I found hope in my heart even though I didn't believe it. Somewhere deep down in my soul I got the strength to keep going. To keep the hope within my life I had to fight my self doubt I could be happy someday. Someday I can be happy. Someday my dreams can come true. Someday I will understand what love feels like. It was something I held onto even if I was afraid to trust it.

There are many good people in this world. I know it's hard trusting in yourself let alone trust in other people when you're in a state like that. Feeling damaged and changing your situation is the hardest thing you can do. I know I fought changing and giving up some of the control a very hard thing to do. It took me years to finally realize I had to change my outlook in life. I had to start trusting people who truly wanted to support me on my emotional healing. It was hard and it took me along time to just give trust a try.

Now I understand I have gotten to a place in my life where I can look back and learn from it. I learned no matter how hard you try to carry on with life it's hard work. You work on your life. If things are not the way you want them so go change it. I will keep working on my life. I will try and make good judgements and decisions to better my emotional self. If I make a mistake then I'll pick myself back up and start over again. I will learn and make things better. You do what you have to do with what you have at the time. Sometimes it's not going to be easy but knowing you are working towards a healing soul then it's all worth it in the end you made progress to achieve happiness.

I was lifted up by the people I surround myself with. I lean when I need to and I express my feelings when life gets hard. I ask for help and I ask for people to listen. I read books and get inspirational advice and to keep me moving forward. I don't know about you, struggling with life is exhausting, tiring and energy draining. I don't want that. I just know I learned about what I want in life. I learned what makes me happy and I also learned who I want to become. I learned to get to know..me!!

Getting to know who you are will give you a better understanding of what you emotionally need and want. It's a progress and sometimes I just didn't want to work on the effort because it's sometimes hard looking into yourself and see all the mess within you. My inner soul was ugly and I had a hard road a head of me but slowly I worked on myself. When it got difficult to face I gave myself a break and worked on other things and then came back to the most difficult situations I couldn't get passed. Slowly over time things didn't hurt as much, things started to look better. Learning to just let go was hard for me. It's hard when that's the only thing you know how to survive but I saw what I could have and it give me a better understanding I can do this. The pain of healing is a lot better than the pain from self destruction. You slowly learn to love yourself and when you do you realize life starts awaking for you like watching a flower bloom. It's beautiful.

It's the best peaceful and emotional part of wanting a better life. It's like looking at the world with different new eyes and coming out of the dark is amazing. It's like going outside and feeling the sun on your face for the first time and breathing the fresh air. How refreshing it feels. You walk with confidence knowing you can conquer anything you put your mind to. That's life and a pure blessing!! Take care, Peace!!

Work Hard and you will Achieve!!

Yesterdays entry I said "I'm on a quest and journey I never thought I would be going on." I've been doing a lot of soul searching wanting to get the best out of my life as I can. I don't think it would have happened 10 years ago or even last year for that matter. It's a time in my life I'm finally realizing I have a purpose and a gift to share with the rest of the world.

We have experiences in our lives which change who we become. We experience choices and make decisions which can effect our outcome. I truly believe things happen for a reason. I'm coming self aware of this process. Things have fallen into place like it's just freaking me out at times. I shouldn't be freaked out about finding my life could be set in stone way before I was born. I don't know and I've been on this new quest to find out. It intrigues me and I'm curious to know what my journey holds.

Things that have taken place in my lifetime and all the good and the bad choices I have made lead me down this path. I experienced things I wish I had never experienced yet at the same time those things have shaped who I became. I'm not proud of my life choices which caused me pain but if I didn't experience and went though them I don't think I would appreciate my life right now.

I remember back in my most darkest times. I've talked about it before on my blog of self destruction and my feelings about it with my eating disorder, when I was raped, my childhood abuse, in my first abusive relationship in my late teens. I have touched a little about that time. I would like to share more. It was a difficult time for me and I struggled with that period in my life until I started looking at the bigger picture of my life.

It's the feeling like you're a victim. I was a victim of life of my own doing. I choose not to be a victim. When you allow yourself to be in a state of personal despair and allow yourself to crumble at every corner of your life when tough decisions need to be made because you can't deal I call that being a victim. Yes, I allowed myself to be the victim because it was easier to cry as a victim then face the hard truth of my surroundings.

Being a child of abuse you don't really realize you have choices because they were chosen for you and you do the best you can do to survive to live through it. I have done unspeakable things to survive. I would share them and my experiences with you but for the safety of my family and my sisters I will not disclose them to you. The reason I won't disclose this part of my life because I'm not here to punish anyone and I'm not here to cause any more pain. I want to express the hope everyone can over come darkness.  I will talk about the emotional aspect of what I went through to share and let people understand being a victim only furthers your own personal pain and as long as you don't forgive and allow yourself to move forward you will never heal your own heart.

I never wish pain and destruction on anyone. I would hope my children's journey will never have to deal with what I went through as a child, teenager and when I was in young adulthood. Some of the things I have witnessed and experienced to me were horrible and outright evil. That is something I would rather share that no matter what life throws at you, you have choices to deal with and be healed.

I think for 4 straight years I cried myself to sleep when I was in my teenage years. I was in so much pain it was hard to breath. I didn't want the day to end because the next day would be another day of hell. It was the feeling like my life was slowly being squeezed out of me and I didn't know when the day would come when I didn't know if I could take that one small step to move forward. It was crushing and devastating to know that I felt like no one was listening. I was living in an empty shell of my own existence. You feel so alone like no one can truly understand your thoughts and feelings like the old saying goes "shit happens". Shit does happen but it doesn't mean we can take it as it is. We can take that shit and throw it away.

My journey so far has been a process of up and downs. Right now, I'm self aware of my life choices. I have seen miracles in my life, I have surrounded myself with wonderful good hearted people and I have forgiven the people who have done the greatest harm to my being. There were reasons I went through those tough years. I didn't understand while I was going through it at the time because I was too broken to see the reasons why I needed to live through it. Sometimes when you're in a dark place it's hard to see that life is beautiful because everything in your being is diseased with only the hardship of your surroundings.

I truly believe now I went though those bad destructive times so I can have a better understand of life. I needed to understand the emotions, the pain and the sorrow to truly appreciate life is truly beautiful. I do have a voice and to voice my life through this means of expression to share what I know to people who are needing support or who want a better understanding to peoples humanity. I see life as a gift and to treasure the gift I was given. Love and acceptance of others because we're all human.

I didn't get this far in my 35 years of life by not working hard. I worked my ass off because I knew if I didn't then it would be a travesty. I would waste a perfectly good life because I didn't want to work hard and to learn and to grow. I have learned to love myself in my heart. I have learned to let go of the hardships that were keeping me in chains of self destruction. It wasn't easy. My journey wasn't easy and I have struggled just to let go. I have had long nights just feeling the hurt feelings from my life. I went though self pity until I faced what was keeping me from moving forward.

I accepted my life can be great if I just let go. My greatest gift is understanding hard work and in the end I will achieve an existence of the greatest life of all...love, hope and acceptance of each other. Take care, Peace!!

Truth within you!!

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible. ~

While I'm sitting here I wonder, I wonder what I'm supposed to do. What can I do to help? Do I have anything of value to give? I keep asking myself over and over again what do I have to ofter back? Then something popped into my brain and I questioned it and I pondered over it to try and put into words what my heart was giving me. I didn't understand at first because it was so simple it didn't make any sense to me because it was so simple but what I can give is Hope. Hope? Yes, I can give to you all is hope.

I watch this world crumble in front of my eyes. I see hard working people losing their jobs downsizing their life to cover their bills and still not have enough. I see with my own eyes a deep sadness towards other human being being dropped to their knees because of all this struggle of power.

Then you have to ask yourselves what can I do for myself? What can I do? The only control you have are the choices you make. Sometimes pride gets in the way and I've had problems in the past and not asked for help because I didn't want to show weakness. Pride is not a form of weakness but a sense of strength. Your only self worth is from within not what the world is telling you. I have hope because I believe in something so valuable no one can take that away from me unless I give it away.

Have hope to be a survivor.
Have hope to see the good when life is throwing you lemons.
Have hope when you're looking at your bank statements wondering where the money will come to pay your bills.

It's the good in all of us to do what's right when everything around you seems wrong. It's that strength within you to get up and keep moving forward. You keep moving forward one step at a time and never give up hope that one day all your hard work will give you a sense of I told you so. I told you I still have hope. I told you, you could never break me as much as you tried. I think the powers that be who want you to believe hope is useless because they know what's best for you. They don't have hope and they only have needs.

We have hope and they have needs.

Why do I say that? I say that because if the powers who think they know what's best for you are only trying to control you and by controlling you they need your hope. If you don't have hope then they have won. They need your hope to win. They want you to believe they have hope to help you. They make their hope look really good like it's what you need. If you already have hope then you don't need what they have to offer. Is their hope any better?

The only power you have left is your hope within yourself. I'm sharing my hope with you to be strong against powers who want to take that away from you. Share your hope with others and stand with me.

Here's to the corrupt powers that be "Do what you want with me because I have what you need and I'm not going to give it to you as much as you try...sorry come back tomorrow!!" Take care, Peace!!

I'm awake now!!

It's seems like this Country is looking ass backwards. I can't seem to wrap my brain around the crazy thinking what this Government is trying to pull and the media in bed with them just to use it's power to change this Country for the worst because they are blinded by money and greed. It's like the Media is demonizing law abiding citizens just to prove a point to further their agenda of manipulation yet Toronto's G20 protester's were being threatened by the Police and brutality of those evil Police officers. Does this video demonstrate peaceful protesters to you?



They sure don't look peaceful to me and where is the Media demonizing them when Nancy Polosi was afraid of the Tea Party. I think she's afraid she'll lose her job for fighting for the wrong side. It's not rational to me. I never saw myself as an activist or wanting to protest anything but come on, being afraid for what the Tea Party is doing is Scary Nancy Polosi?



The Tea Party is bring attention to what this USA Government is doing so we can turn this Country back to it's roots of why the USA is the land of the free. I watched this Video of a Tea Party rally and is it frightening? I'm frightened when I see it with all those evil destructive people...Nancy be afraid!!! If Nancy's afraid of this next Video then what would she feel about the first video I put up. Which one would you rather be at? I say the second but that's just me!! Take care, Peace!!!

Lost Souls of the World!!

This song means a lot to me. I want to share this video and song to the world to you all out there who need some inspiration and some hope with your life. This song has carried me through a lot of hard times. Even though I don't know some of you personally I understand your pain. I understand where you are coming from. Life isn't easy but somewhere and sometime in your struggle with difficultly I care. I care you can achieve a great life like I was blessed with. There is hope for a better life even when you lost the most personal part, your heart. I've seen broken dreams, abuse, self destruction and I made it. You can too because you're never alone even when you feel like you are. Other people has felt your pain. People do care like I do. I care!! The Pretender's with I'll Stand by you!!



There is always hope if you just reach out your hand. It may not be today but sometime someone will reach out and touch your hand and help carry you through those tough times. Take care, Peace!!