It's 9 in the morning and I'm having popcorn with my son. We're sitting here enjoying Dora the Explorer and having a bowl of salty buttery popcorn. It's quite satisfying. This is a good change. I can enjoy this.
Since my daughter started her school career I've been lagging behind in my own life endeavors. I have so much I want to do but it seems like the weeks are just flying by. My weekends are busy busy and I'm not complaining about that but I do need to just relax and maybe I should schedule it in between nap time and homework.
I'm not completely healthy so balancing my time and making sure I don't have a burn out is like juggling. It's a process and lately I'm not so good at it. I'm figuring out what works best for me. I'm not getting much sleep because I'm spreading my time between my family members which it doesn't give me enough time to get the allotted sleep I need to make it through my day. I know, and I need to figure this out before I land my butt in the ER again.
Which I'm in a panic now because as much as I'm working on my schedule to balance out my life so I don't neglect my own needs....... I'm coming down with a cold!!! I can handle a cold and that's taking medication and having the excuse to complain but my husband is going on another Business trip and he'll be gone for a week this time...leaves Sunday. I know I can get help taking care of the kids from my mother in law but still. I don't need to get sick like this. It's like okay, I'm going to get sick but the timing is a little off. Why couldn't I catch a cold after he gets back?
This is change I don't like. Change of rearranging my schedule to fit my lack of ability. I have a problem giving up a little of my power to control my own independence. It's like a fear of forgetting how to take care of ones self because you're so used to leaning and depending another person to survive. It's been a few years where I had to lean onto my husband for support with the kids, the home, the medical difficulties, and my own pressures of giving up control. Now I'm feeling a little like I'm a failure. Yes, I go there. This is my moment of weakness.......
Honestly, I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can handle and what I can't. I know my own inner demons and I have choices. I can choose to wallow in my own self pity or I will survive like I have always done. I will make an honest effort to weather the storm that comes my way. This cold of mine is nothing. I have to remember in the last 4 years of my hardest times where it was difficult to get the energy to feed my children. This is nothing compared to finding the strength to make it through the day afraid of passing out, afraid I wouldn't be here for my kids, my husband and not knowing why my system was failing me. So getting a cold is nothing compared to my most trying times. This is change I can live with. Knowing I made it through those days of not having the energy to survive and I did. I managed and I did it so I know I can manage to rearrange my life to get through this bump in the road. This is nothing!! Take care, Peace!!
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