When Darkness slips in!

I am so sleep deprived because last night every time I fell asleep my mind went places so I was up most of the night. I think over all I had about 2 hours of horrible sleep plus the kids are home from school today because of some teacher conference.  So I'm not a coffee drinker but I"m serious of brewing me up several pots of it to keep the caffeine going.

The kids are up playing in there rooms so I have some time to reflect, pray and try not to fall apart like I kept doing yesterday but my heart is sad, it's breaking and I can't reach out and it's really bothering me. I just want to head over to my friends house and tell them my family loves his family. We are here supporting him and will keep supporting him. I want to tell him my journey is giving awareness to minor sex trafficking here in the USA and what I do doesn't mean I'm trying to hurt him.  I want to tell him his weakness doesn't define him. I want to tell him how sorry I am because all the posts I had on Facebook wasn't something he wanted to see all the time especially what he was doing was the very thing I was exposing. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to destroy him or expose his weakness. I didn't know and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!

I hope he responses to my card I sent him. I hope he reaches back because our stories crossed for a reason.    It can't just be this. Oh man, my heart is breaking like waves come over me and I can't breath. I can't apologize for following my own journey but the pain deep within my soul is crying out and the tears reach the surface and I know I have to move on believing he's safe and Leaders of the Church are taking care of him. I have to believe he's on the road to healing and I have to believe this will not swallow me whole and not let darkness in and at times, I'm afraid it all ready has.

I would feel so much better if I knew he was okay. I don't like the unknown and I just want to wrap my arms around him and tell him he's loved. Just because I'm an Advocate for Sex Trafficking doesn't mean I see him differently.

Man, I just want to call him up, I want to send him a Text Message, I want to send his wife a Text Message and I just want to send him an email but at the Emergency Church Meeting his family wants some space so I have to respect their wishes.

I thought the Abortion debate was hard enough but this just tops the cake. I didn't expect this news. It wasn't even on my radar of things to be an issue but here it is facing me. Yes, it's facing me staring right at me expecting me to react to the news like it's waiting for me to move. Will I fall apart or will I rise to the difficulty? I don't even know. My lack of sleep is swaying me all over the place good and bad. Maybe I'll leave it at that and go take care of my children. I just know, I got Jesus this time. Take Care, Peace!

The tough decisions!

Today I made a phone call to better my life. I called for Therapy and I feel like I'm defeated and one must protect one's own life and I asked for help. This last weekend was a wake up call for me and I scared my family and frankly, I scared myself.

My self harm to get some sleep made my husband to call 911 because I took too much drugs so I could get a good nights sleep but I over did it and woke up in the Emergency Room hooked up to an IV. It scared me.

Therapy in the past has helped and I know this time it will be better. I never want to put my family in a situation like I had this past weekend. I don't want to self harm myself again. I need to talk to someone who can help me deal with all the crap within my head.

This past weekend was a cry for help and I'm glad I'm strong enough to ask for it. Take Care, Peace!

Zombies have taken over!!

So I'm here being a Zombie with lack of sleep because both my kids decided sleep wasn't for them last night. First my oldest couldn't sleep by herself so I dragged her in with me so I could sleep but then a short while later the boy decided to wake up crying in the hallway so I dragged him in the bed with us also. BIG MISTAKE!! The kids thought it was fun time and wouldn't let me sleep. So from 12am until now...WIDE AWAKE!! with two cranky kids who don't want to sleep and I'm sleep deprived.

Why I broke my own rule and allowed them to co-sleep with me? Their father is out of town on another business trip to California for the week. I'm recovering from the flu/cold whatever I have and I need my sleep so the smarty pants I am thought if we all slept together in the same bed WE all would get a good nights sleep....look how that worked out for me?

Now a sleepless night and I'm hacking out a lung and my kids are fighting with each other on who kept who awake all night. I thought it was both of them but apparently I lost that battle.

So the three of us look like the living dead, cranky with some crying and that's just me. The daughter is upset I'm keeping her home from school today. I wonder why? and why punish her teacher because of my lack of good parenting. I'm sure lack of sleep for a 5 year old doesn't go well with learning in a school environment.

Life Lessons: never break your own rules!! Take care, Peace!!

I live for sleep!!

When you go through something like real serious health problems and you don't get answers of why your body just doesn't want to perform as it should you do what you need to do to survive. That's sleep for me. I am lucky with having a supportive husband who gets up to deal with our kids during the night and gives me time to sleep.

Lately, it's been me getting up with the kids or if I still need more sleep I kick him out of bed to deal with the kids. Our family may not be the norm with our sleep patterns but you adjust to make it work. I seriously need sleep or I'm not good for anything.

Ever so often I need sleep. My body basically shuts down and demands sleep. I minimally sleep 8 hours a night and sometimes on weekends I take a 3 hour nap. I typically get around 9 hours of sleep a night and if I'm lucky 10 hours. I know that's crazy for some but when you have low energy related health problems you try to get all the sleep as you can. Like I said I have a great husband who allows me to get all the sleep I can get. It's nice!!

My sleep schedule kinda changed since my daughter has school everyday and gymnastics on Saturdays and now Church on Sundays so my sleeping in until 9am every morning is over. Yes, I said 9am with two little kids. We have trained them well and it's actually nice.

So I'm slowly adjusting to the sleep schedule but I'm still messed up at times.  My body is screaming at me about 1pm for the last couple of weeks to take a nap. My son still takes naps but my daughter doesn't and she's not old enough for me to just go sleep for awhile unattended.

I made the mistake once of doing that just taking a catnap on the couch when the kids were playing in there play room. I thought it would be fine because I was still close and if they needed me I was there.  When I woke up I found they got into the fish tanks and water was all over the place. I'm surprised none of the fish died and I learned my lesson not to fall asleep while the kids are awake. Big mistake....Huge!!

So last night wasn't the norm for me because I waited up for my husband to get home from his travels and I had a situation with our printer I needed to fix before this morning. My husband in his all knowledge of computer related problems fixed my printer. My daughter got her things printed out for her school project due this morning. I didn't get to bed until 1am and for me that's one enormous problem. That's real late for me and then getting up before 7am this morning well.....I'm kinda dragging. No amount of Caffeine can save me now kinda deal. I'm not used to this small amount of sleep. I want more. My body is craving for more. You can tell I need sleep because all the color drains out of my face and I'm a walking zombie.

It has been a challenge to rearrange my sleep schedule so I feel like I can get things done. Finding time for my kids and personal time with my husband and then taking care of my well being. I tend to fall short on my well being at times but my family comes first but then my husband reminds me I need to care for myself before I can take care of everyone else. Finding the balance within my life will take some time. As long as I have the energy I need to get me through the day everything will be alright. Now it's time to get some rest!! Take care, Peace!!

Divide and Conquer!!!

It's been almost a year since our daughter started her sleeping problem. Frankly, she has never been a good sleeper even when she was a baby but we forced and stood our ground until she was on a sleeping schedule and it worked for the most part of her life until she turned 4 years old. I don't know what it was about her turning 4 but our happy child turned into a defiant, I know more than you kind of girl and she pushed, demanded, just tried to wear my hubby and myself down. It was a battle of who could last the longest. We would look at our little girl thinking is she ours? She can't be our sweet little girl can she? It seemed like she changed over night. Lately, she's been wanting to sleep neither with the hubby or myself. Last night she moved into our bed with me and the hubby got moved into sleeping with the boy. I think we're setting up a bad habit with him and we'll be putting an end to that tonight. Our son doesn't need to have a sleeping problem. He's the sleeper in the family and I want to keep it like that. I don't know if I can handle two kids who can't sleep. That would be the worst. All we got out of all this is she's scared to sleep. She won't tell us why she's scared but she doesn't want to sleep alone. My hubby and I had long talks about what to do with her. We all need our sleep and good sleep then broken up sleep through out the night. I figured now it's better to get her having a good night sleep then having a struggling match with her at 4:00 am. It's hard and of course, you want your child to feel secure. I want her to feel safe and where to start is the challenge. How do you let your child know you love them without making them feel rejected especially at night? It just breaks my heart really, and is this something we need to fix now and are we doing the right thing now or are we making it worse for her? What is the right thing to do? Is this a battle we want to keep going on down the road or just let this one go and we as her parents let her have this fight. It's figuring out why she's scared is the real question here and when she doesn't know how to express herself with words is the hard part. I guess we'll have to keep listening to her and keep telling her over and over how much love she is and we all love her. She's special and a wonderful little girl who has feelings. She'll be five in a few weeks and being 5 maybe it will be less scary for her. It's just tough as a mother to feel defeated by a 4 year old over her sleep. She sure is a strong determined child and smart for her own good sometimes. It's a journey for sure and this life challenge with our battle over her sleep has made me tired and worn down but I must move forward and keep trying to make her feel less scared. Some day it won't be a struggle. Take care, Peace!!!

My crazy Life!!!

One of these days I'm going to go on a strike but at this moment I'm afraid too. I feel like all I do is clean and tidy after everyone but me. I know I signed up for this but come on I didn't think it would be this bad. I'm cleaning until the cows come home and then another days comes around and guess what I'm cleaning some more. I don't have a problem with cleaning after my family but man, if I put it off for an hour it's like a tornado has taken over my house. I'm tired of tripping over toys and I have threatened the children if they leave the toys in the kitchen I will give them away to children who appreciate the toys they are given but until I follow through with my threat they keep putting the toys where I almost have killed myself on many occasion. Please, let me have some sanity for one day. My hubby keeps telling me our house should look like people live here and I know but I have this fear that someone will show up unannounced and judge me for the state of my house. I want to be a good mother and also keep a nice house. I think I'm failing on the keep of a nice house. Maybe other mothers have this same fear but I want a nice house where you don't have to step over something. We do have a playroom where the toys are supposed to stay but tell that to a 4 year old and a 2 year old. At least, I have a master bedroom that is tidy and clean except when the hubby goes to bed and his day clothes are just thrown onto the floor until the next morning when I pick them up and put them into the hamper. My space is my space and if it wasn't for a nice sanctuary I call the master bedroom I would be insane from the insanity of a mother. Yes, I will have to say being a mother is the hardest job I have ever done because not like other jobs where you go to work and then come home it's 24/7 365 days a year with no breaks especially me if I'm sick I still have to work. Last night I couldn't sleep for the life of me so I got up early this morning because the daughter had school today and then taking care of a 2 year old with sleep deprivation was daunting. I was dragging my feet trying to figure out what needed to be done today. Laundry needed to be folded and put away, the dishes needed to be put away and I had wished I got better sleep. I guess the Stargate Atlantis episodes didn't give me some nice dreams of Joe Flanigan. Oh well, maybe next time. Maybe I couldn't sleep because Wednesday's I call my hell day. It's the longest day I have to be on my game because the hubby works late and I have to deal with two cranky kids until he gets home or I have to put two cranky kids to bed by myself which is a pain because neither one of them are happy about it because their routine is off and I'm having to explain why Daddy isn't home yet. I love my cell phone and it's not like anyone calls me on it but it's my lifeline. The hubby calls and I know he will be home 14 minutes later and I can go hide for a little while and just enjoy some peace. It maybe for 5 minutes but I enjoy those short minutes where I can get focused and just remember why I signed up for this. I do enjoy my life and most of the time it's great watching my children grow into wonderful children. The hugs and kisses are the best and they are great but then they can also make me want to pull my hair out screaming my head off running out the door wondering why I signed up for this. At the end of the day while I'm sitting on the couch watching my favorite shows relaxing from a stressful day I know tomorrow can only get better because one day my children will clean up after themselves. Take care, Peace!!!!!!!

sleep deprivation

I feel like I'm living in some punked world. My hubby is ready to have a nervous breakdown from lack of sleep. Our daughter is ready to be given away. Okay that's stretching it but don't think it hasn't crossed my mind. We are lost for words. Here I'm slowly getting better and then bam the daughter doesn't want to sleep anymore. First it was she was thirty in the night to she needed help with the bathroom to she had a nightmare to she didn't want to sleep by herself to down right scream fests when she doesn't get her way in the night. We are being bitch slapped by a 4 year old. We don't know what to do and it's getting pretty old. Kids go through life changes but come on, this is frustrating the hell out of me. I love my sleep and the hubby has a stressful job in which he needs his brain to function. What are we supposed to do? We tried her sleeping in our room on the floor but apparently she thinks we have given her a new playground to play in so we kicked her out. We tried giving her love and encouragement but then she wants more. I've been reading online parenting tips the last few days to help figure out what we can do to help her sleep. We're at our end and with lack of sleep we can't think straight. Tonight we're getting her ear plugs and maybe that will help her with the noises out in the world so they don't scare her. We're thinking of switching bedrooms so her room isn't in front of the house and the noise level won't be as bad. We're grabbing for straws right now and trying everything. Nothing is working....nothing!!! Right now, I'm going to go and drink down as much caffeine as I probably can so I can take care of my kids today. 2 weeks of broken sleep is catching up to us and I think the hubby needs some extra support because he's not taking this very good. I feel bad for him and I want to do something but I don't know what to do to help my family. Take care, Peace!!