To ease my suffering!

The one thing about going to Therapy I'm learning to look at my feelings and understand some emotions isn't a sign of weakness. Last night I read something and it sparked within me that I get it. You know I wanted to be strong in February and I didn't want to get mad because I felt that meant I didn't care for this person or could support him cause I got mad. I'm learning that's not the case. I held onto my suppressed anger from this situation way to long because I was afraid to let it out.

I'm so angry my heart burns because this person betrayed my trust. He sprang news into my soul and then left like what the fuck was that? Nothing and I'm supposed to sit and wait until he decides to contact people. Relationships are not one sided. I'm happy he's moving on but this wait and see is what's killing me and maybe it's that part of me that doesn't like surprises, the part that hates waiting and that part that likes to be prepared. I don't know but I think it's hard to sit and wait to see if he truly cared. I think that's the hardest for me. Did he really care?

I shared the night I was raped and how it destroyed me. The only person I shared that night with was my husband so to me opening up and talking about what I went through was massive. I also talked about having an abortion because I got pregnant from being raped. In the Christian Community, having an abortion you're not very popular and so talking to my Pastor's about why I was leaving the Church and I had enough of my silent abuse. They convinced me of staying within our Church so I stayed because what they said sounded good. Two weeks later I was sitting in my Lead Pastor's Living room hearing from my site Pastor's reason for leaving and stepping down. Then the shock of giving them the respect of not contact them while they are healing. What the fuck? I'm sorry because I'm angry about that. I may process my thoughts differently than the norm but that totally rocked my world and then having no contact with him or his family I was deeply hurt again. That hurt the most for me. Only Silence!

I truly do not like having PTSD but there is nothing I can do about that. My brain is truly wired differently and sometimes my reactions are not of my control. Last Tuesday at our Monthly Leadership meeting for our Church our second location the Leadership decided to close up shop and regroup. My Westside team worked so hard and in two weeks we're done, just like that. A lot of my pain is under the surface so when I'm reacting to stuff people only see one side of things. In public I'm a closed off machine but behind closed doors I'm a mess. All my senses going off at once, my anxiety is on fire and all I want to do is to escape with drugs and alcohol. That's pissing me off too because my husband won't buy me my alcohol. I hate my addictions. In this situation it would be so nice to have had a prescription to Ativan or something. It would be nice to not be able to think for awhile.

What tears me apart is they didn't trust me enough to be there friend and I could have been there but they choose not too. I'm angry because I gave blood and tears for this Church and for what? Nothing! It just breaks my heart and as much as I'm so angry my heart hurts and I'm sad what went down and I'm trying to search for the happiness in all this. All I can do right now is try and that's all I can do and mourn the loss of something I had no control over. Tomorrow may change and all I can do is move on! Take care, Peace!

keep it together, sort of!

I keep my emotions at bay because freaking out is what you do behind doors and staying cool during difficulty I feel is a strength so when I lose it like start crying in public to me, that's a weakness. I have a lot of situations I feel when I lose it is a weakness. I don't like showing weakness so when I do I beat myself up but this last situation I'm starting to not give a care which to me is another weakness. I promised myself I would treat people with kindness, love people for who they are in life and be kind because that's who I want to be so when my heart is losing the desire to love people that worries me. I don't want to be that person who doesn't care for people, who doesn't want to be a blessing to someone.

The Church my family is apart of is a little over 2 years and we've been serving within the walls of this Church from the beginning. I've been dealing with its bullshit far longer than I should. I have been broken, destroyed and torn down to nothing by the behavior, the selfishness and emotional draining to nothing by a large percentage of the rest of the body of Christ within this Church. I stood my ground and I fought hard to keep moving forward. I serve within this Church because Jesus has asked me too. I stayed but within my heart I was hurting, I was using everything I got to be what Jesus has asked me to be. I cry in silence and I look back and look at my life the last 2 years and I'm tired of the bullying, the feeling like I'm alone, silent pain no one understands but me.

I had a Pastor who by his actions messed me up pretty bad and I guess the good thing I got out of that situation is I was diagnosed with PTSD. I also realized that "Love" is just a word because I know when my Husband says it, it's coming from the depth of his heart and I believe him, I know Jesus Love's me but when these Church folks say it, I call bullshit. You don't come into my life say you care and love me then turn around and rip the very being from me, then not have any contact with me, no apology, no reaching out, and no action to say I want to be your friend.

When I was going through one of the hardest times in my Church Life there was no one. No one came and asked me how I was doing, no phone calls, no emails, no notes to reach out and give me Love. Give me something and for what? I stay because Jesus asked me to stay. Asked me to love these people even though I was hurting so bad the pain just kept coming, to want to love, and not one time did I feel like I belonged.

It makes my heart cry out when I read on Facebook all these posts about faith, fear and not having faith if I don't do this but I don't trust Jesus if I crumble in fear so whatever! No one understands how much I rely on Jesus and how much I suffer for him in spite of my difficulties and I keep walking into that Church ready to serve my Savior, the one who died for me because he loved me that much and he asked me to reach out to my community for help to save these girls within the evil world of Sex Trafficking.

I am hurting and sometimes I have asked myself why do I put up with this crap and the last 2 years Church has been hell for me. I don't trust anyone within the walls of my Church even includes the Leadership and the longer I stay the longer I wonder how strong I can stand up from this heartache  Jesus stands for me, he gives me strength and every time I feel like giving up he gets me strength because even though these people are God's Children too and they are loved just like me even though some of them act like bitches, I stay because of Him.

When I behave like I'm not wanting to care for people that makes me feel like I'm the bitch, I'm not a nice person, I'm just as bad as they are. I beat myself up for thinking all of that and who am I? I understand why no one likes me, why on the surface it's all nice and I'm not approachable, not worth it like other people and I have to fight it harder to be worthy. Jesus tells me different but in my heart is broken and one day I wish I could be seen for who I am then what people think I am.

I'm so frustrated, my mind is on overdrive, my thoughts all confusing, my heart hurting and for what? To feel alone in God's Church. I'm tired and one thing I learned from all this I have cried for him and I understand why he died for me, I truly do. I need his love to live! Take care, Peace!

Don't avoid your Problems!!

So the last few months I haven't slept well. I can't get any single good night sleep. I get chances to sleep but not good rested sleep. I like avoiding my problems. I am good at it and I procrastinate so I don't have to deal with them but you know what...my brain is like ah ha...you need to work this out and won't let me sleep because my brain goes on overdrive right before I go to bed like that very instant I have to deal with stuff in my life.

Too me, it's not important like it bothers me when people comment on Abortion. Okay, it bothers me a lot but I'm great at avoiding my feelings on that. I just ignore them. That's what I do when life feels like it's weighing me down. I ignore my emotions and who cares if I'm crying all the time, feeling all down with myself but someone has to do housecleaning, taking care of a home and organizing my families schedule. I have to ignore something so I figured my problems that dwell within me have to be put on the side burning but apparently my brain didn't get my memo of avoidance and distraction of one's own feelings.

So the last few days I have kept myself up later than I want to so I'm so exhausted I just want to crash from sleep deprivation and the moment I put my head down on my pillow my eyes pop open and I'm wide awake. Yes, I can't sleep and I start to cry because I know I'm avoiding what I shouldn't avoid...remember I got the memo and I just want to distract so I can go to bed. I just want to go to bed because I am one crazy bitch when I don't get a large amount of sleep. I can't function and when I can't function the family seems to be less organized and my oldest doesn't get her reading list done for school and I forget to make her do her homework for a week. Yes, this happened but all is good because I made her catch up. See, things happen when I can't sleep like the importance of a grade school education for my daughter.

So the avoidance isn't working so good for me. I am on over kill on self destruction because of my lack of sleep and life is running on crazy right now. I up my dose of Vitamin D3 pills today because I think the lack of sunlight is also playing a role here too but that's for another time. So anyway, I decided to just be straight up with myself and be honest I'm an emotional mess like I am every year this time because like I just said the lack of sunlight plays apart with my insanity. So I realized I have life cycles and right now I'm in my blue cycle and who knew having a vitamin D deficiency could play apart in my world. So I was talking to a herbalist at the drug store and got some good advice. I would tell you but I don't want to get sued as in legal hell so what works for me may not work for you so get your own herbalist or see a Doctor! That's my advice.

So anyway, I'm trying different vitamins to see if that helps. I'll let you know or maybe not if it doesn't work. Then I decided to work on fixing the other avoidance in my life. I'm going to deal with it. I'm sure my husband will be quite happy when I stop being anti-social. People are good. Okay, a lot of people are good and sometimes a person within my circle of friends will do something stupid that hurts my feelings and I need to move on from that and not take it so personal.

It just gets to me when I go to Church and I learn so much of who God is and I'm wanting that relationship with him and I'm soaking it all in and I'm learn about love and how I should love each and everyone of you all because we're all God's Children even the non believers. So I'm getting the message and I'm applying it to my own life. I'm learning to forgive and heal my wounded heart and all my past hurts and judgement and I'm  giving it all to Jesus because that's why he did what he did for us to take away our sins so we can have ever lasting life with God in Heaven. I was opening my eyes to all the blessings within my own life and how special life is and one's own journey then BAM...my so called Christian Brother does something that just blows up in my face of how not special I am by a decision I made when I was 23 years old. Not only that but I was accused of being just as evil as Hitler and the killing of the Jews during the Holocaust because I have a different opinion about Abortion. Lets just say it stings!!

It was a blow to everything I believe in and also trying to forgive I decided to do more things with the church and joined the ladies book club. Once a month we read a book and then get together and chat about how we love this Christian Book. I thought it would be fun seeing how I love to read and I read a lot so why not. I will not walk away from the church because I would have if this happened years ago. I would have avoided anything to do with the hurt I was feeling. Move on and forget. Not this time and I would open myself up even more to see the good in all this hurtfulness.

Well I'm reading  this months book and I so not think it's great. I down right not like this book. I haven't finished it yet but so far I'm not digging the book and I read all the comments on Facebook how wonderful this book is and I just want to gag on it. Now, do I go and discuss the book and let my feelings be heard on the subject or do I do what I always do and avoid the uncomfortable situation and pretend I forgot about this months book club get together this Friday night? Choices, and trust me I'll rather go and pretend I love the book so I can go hang out with the girls but I can't lie about the book and I would rather not share the reason I don't like the book because that would mean I would have to share parts of my past I would rather leave in my past. Not something I want to talk about with a bunch of Christian women who I see every Sunday and parts of the rest of the week. I even asked my Husband to stop going to small group so I can avoid and distract from the Christian Brother I've been hurt by. It's awkward and uncomfortable for me to be in the same room with this man. My real thought is to go slap that man in the face but then that wouldn't be very Christian of me would it?

Yesterday I was sitting in the car with my husband coming back from spending a lot of money on vitamins for the various medical issues I have contracted over the years and I just sat there screaming in my head WILSON!!! you know from the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks. I was just screaming silently within my head because if I did it in real life that would look crazy and I'm no Brittany Spears ya'll!! And it felt great and I came home and started listening to music that empowers me and makes me feel like I have things handled. It felt good and sometimes I just fall in a hole and just want to sit there and not have any energy to dig myself out of it. I sit and smell the flowers and I stare up at the sky and pretend I'm looking at all the beautiful stars when I can't see through all the thick clouds in the sky. I'm living my life the way I want to but sometimes I avoid and sometimes I hide because it's better to be alone then to sit with someone pretending I have it all together when I don't.

I don't have life figured out and I'm okay with that and maybe my brain just needs to shut up once in awhile because life isn't perfect and I shouldn't expect life to be perfect. I'm the gal who avoids and distracts because that's what life made me into and I wish my brain gets this memo so I can get some good night sleep from now on. See I'm crying here "I Want Some Sleep", so take care, and I can only dream of peace on earth!!

We have Value!

I suffer quietly with anxiety attacks and I keep quiet because I feel awkward and indifferent and when I'm in social situations I feel like I just want to hide in the corner. Sometimes I force myself to say something, smile and force myself to open up of who I am. It's never easy. It's downright hard to express my most inner secrets because I’m a product of Bullying. I have been told I’m not worth it, I’m not responsible, I’m a dirty alcoholic Indian when I was 10, I was called the “N” word when I was 6, I was called brown cow when I was 14, I was called chocolate milk that’s sour and stinks and I can go on and on of the injustice I have suffered because of who I am. I lived it and I suffered and I don’t want other children to feel like I have throughout my life. I don’t want any child to feel ashamed of who they are. This isn’t a pity party. I just want people to know their actions really do affect people they tear down just to make themselves feel better.

It’s how our society justifies Bullies by putting up a YouTube video of said situation where the video gets a million hits and who does that really serve?, not the child who’s face is plastered all over the video being harassed, beat up and embarrassed knowing millions of people are watching them get humiliated over and over for the world to see. How is that fighting against bullying? We’re no better than the people doing the bullying by watching these videos of a child being exploited by a YouTube video.

The reason I'm opening up because I'm getting tired of children killing themselves for being who they are, or hearing about racial discrimination, and sexual harassment, being discriminated because you’re a female, discriminated because you’re male, transgendered, your sexual preference, religion, and non-religious people. I’m tired of hearing about a child going into a school and shooting people because they were treated like an outcast and they couldn’t take life with their peers any longer. How tragic these children who should have a life full of love are being tormented, and who are silently hurting and are praying to die. There are kids who secretly pray to die and that is horrifying to me. These kids should have soft places to fall and to know someone truly believes they are valuable then going through life thinking no one cares for them if they are here or not. That hurts my heart knowing we have children in our world who are hurting and would rather lash out and kill other kids because their hearts are broken.

I’m tired of people fighting because they are Republican, Democrat, Tea Party, the 99%, and the 53%, Independent, Rich or Poor. What’s the point? We all are not molded the same and science has proven we are all different. So why we feel we all should act and behave equally when we are not. We all have opinions, we all have different values and we all think we know what’s right for the whole body as a whole. How can we change the next generation when we don’t have good role models for our younger generation to look up too? How can they learn when the older generation is doing the same thing on media outlets and all over our Television sets but then turn around and we tell our youth it’s not okay to behave like that? It’s all for the greater good right? Having a double standard of how to treat people is not okay and it’s shouldn’t be considered that’s what people do.

I'm tired of being singled out because of the color of my skin and get a job because I’m considered a minority and a company is only filling their quota. I’m tired of people exploiting my gender because I'm female and the “what I can't do” because I'm female. I’m getting tired of not saying anything sooner because I believe I do have value and have a voice. I’m tired I’m part of the problem because I haven’t stepped up because I think someone else will do it. So I’m going to get off the comfort train and start saying something. I’m saying that we as a society need to change if we want the injustice of bullying to stop. It starts with us, the individual to be accountable for our actions so our generation can be an example to the next generation.

What I’m trying to say is I don’t want another child to suffer because our society won’t step up and stop bullying and neither should our humanity!!

Thanks for your time!!

Just the Babysitter!!

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind with ups and downs. It's been a learning process and when I thought I was getting through my shyness of meeting new people I thought I met some new friends I could get to know from meeting at church but now I feel like I'm the new kid in school not knowing my place on the Totem pole.

It just turns out I'm just a good babysitter and a person that can help take care of the church kids. Nothing more, nothing less. It sucks especially when I over hear conversations of girls night out and I'm not invited. I guess I'm not the cool person who could also use a break from motherhood and could use some girl time too. It just sucks!!

That's life and I should just remember who my real friends are not a group of women from church who only see me as one head who can help in the Nursery taking care of their children. So I'll be the quiet shy person at church with a smile on my face pretending to care. I know that's not nice to say but being me sucks at times when I feel used for just being a nice person who agreed to take care of there children so I could get to know them better. I was wrong. Who needs new friends?

Is this the end of the road?

I've been thinking about ending this blog. I have no inspiration to chat, bitch or write about anything. I had great idea's of things I wanted to talk about but then I would get mad. I've been getting mad a lot lately and it's so hard to keep my mouth shut because I have a lot to say but actually writing my thoughts in a respectful matter without writing this person is a dumbass is quiet hard so I haven't been writing because I'm trying to be a respectful person and frankly it's hard. I want to slap so many people upside the head it's not funny.

I keep saying I woke up and the world has gone mad. How am I going to raise my kids where my being is being challenged and to raise them in a world where life doesn't make sense? It's going to be work and at ever turn the more they get older I will have to challenge the crazy society we live in and whatever it will throw at them. I'm always thinking of my kids. It's always about my kids.

It's not that I want my kids to live without hardship because I think that's part of life but I want them to understand with a moral foundation of love and acceptance with out hurting their integrity.

Maybe I should change my thought process when I read the news or when I read an article a friend has posted on Facebook because lately I just shake my head and profanities just come out in my head. It's quite sad really our humanity has gone this far with little care and understanding of each others uniqueness. If only people would just stop and see the diversity as a blessing rather than a hindrance.

Why is it when you have an opinion someone doesn't like it neither turns into you're a racist, a hate monger, you're misinformed etc etc? When you resort to ignorance to make a point you have already lost your argument.

I just know I'm not going to be quiet and I'm going to stand up for what's right which means I'll stand with my friends and stand up for people I don't agree with because love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

So as much as I want to slap so many people upside the head I know that's not the answer so I'll just shower them with hugs and kisses and tell them they are loved. We are worthly and so is my blog so I will stick around a little longer. Take care, Peace!!

When dreams smack you in the face!!

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I don't like that feeling like my dreams dictate my day. I was dreaming pretty good. I remember a lot of my dreams but sometimes they take a turn into reality I would rather not have to dream about certain things or someone. It bothers me and I would like to forget things in my life I'm not proud of doing. I would rather not remember and move on. Sometimes I'm not so lucky and my wonderful dreams take a turn and memories and situations come pouring out into my dreams and I wake up uneasy. I know they are just dreams but they still bother me. This morning I was dreaming about John and I just want him to get out of my head. I don't want to think about him when I'm awake or when I'm sleeping.

So this song Cheap Trick The Flame has been in my head all day. It's the song I had in my dream this morning and it was like a concert playing on continuous play that wouldn't stop.  Holy, please can this self destruction ever stop in my life. I can control my thoughts when I'm awake but in my dreams...come on now. It just sucks. I don't like when things I can't control affect my life and impacts my life in a negative way especially when John hasn't been apart of my life in 7 years.

I have moved on and maybe I shouldn't be so bothered by one stupid dream and maybe I have some guilt to deal with but it's like something I would rather not have to deal with and just forget it. I want to forget about it. I want to forget about him. I am happy or maybe I'm not but frankly I need too. It's been so long ago and it's in the past. Moving on!!

What really sucks about this situation I love Cheap Trick The Flame and now I just want it out of my head. Dreams suck....I'm so frustrated!! Take care, Peace!!

Livin' on the Edge!!

Life's not that bad for me now but sometimes I just have to breath so I can step back to see the true picture of my life. I have moments in my life where I just want to scream on the top of my lungs, hit the floor and say not today. Sometimes I just have no reason of why I feel like doing that and sometimes I feel overwhelmed and need a break and it's my way of putting life into prospective. I have it good. I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones who has made it from darkness into the light. Sometimes I just need a kick in the pants to show me I don't need to live in my head anymore. My crazy mind doesn't need for me to suffer anymore.

I look at my beautiful kids and I'm happy and my relationship with my hubby is the best. My family has a great life, and we are secure and we have each other. I'm truly blessed to have a wonderful support system with my extended family and friends. I have to remember I made this life for me. I worked hard so I can give my children a good home. I work and I'm mindful not to take my marriage for granted.

Sometimes my old ways comes through in times when I'm self conscience and then my awkward control issues which gives me anxiety. I'm working on this. I don't like this about my personality but it's something I work really hard to control :)  Control...ha ha!! I'm working on my control over my control issues. That's kinda funny!!

Sometimes I feel like I am living on the edge of good and evil. It's a struggle at times because I know what I want and I know what I want for my family but sometimes when I feel like I'm at my more vulnerable state of mind I feel like doing something really stupid. Seriously I can get stupid!! Say No to Stupid!!

Lately I feel insecure about aging. Maybe this is my mid-life crisis. I feel old and I feel like I look old and for people who know me knows I don't look old but I do feel old. I know it's a mindset but still. I feel like bitching!!

I get paranoid when I think this like my eating disorder is playing tricks on me like I know I will never be completely healed but in recovery so it freaks me out like I'm going to go down that path again. Then I get freaked out like maybe people will think I still have my eating disorder. I go places in my brain which is dangerous for my well being. I freak out and I over think to much. I stew over the stupidest stuff sometimes. My weight is an issue for me and it will always be an issue. I understand this and I know this but man, sometimes I wish it wasn't. I wish I didn't have a though in my mind that I should fit in a size two jeans then a size four jeans I fit into now. Then I feel guilty for thinking I should fit into a size two jeans and I should be happy at the weight and size that I am now and then I feel guilty for feeling guilty. Oh my, it's a never ending cycle of crazy until something happens that I realize what I'm doing is just plain whack a doodle.

How I deal with things like this is I start stressing over things I can't control. I know that's not a good thing where my head goes. Then it turns into down right freak out over things I can control like my house. I get bothered over the out of control my house seems. I like everything being in a place. I don't like clutter. I despise clutter so when I have three people in my house who are the opposite of me it's kinda hard for me to deal at times because I look around my space I call my home and things are piled up here and there. My hubby has his organized mess and my children have their toys everywhere. I get stressed my house stinks. Yes, I worry about my house stinking. It's overwhelms me. It drives my brain to the point of no return.  I'm a work in progress and trust me I'm not crazy like this all the time I swear. :)

Then I worry I'm sending out bad vibes like a certain someone will come back into my life and just mess everything all up for me because frankly, I don't know what I'll do in regards to this person. I say I can make great decisions but unless I'm tested by the Universe I won't know if I'll make the right choices. No bad vibes please!!

Then I have to remember the most important things to life. Does it really matter I have dishes in the sink for a day? Does it matter I didn't finish the vacuuming in one day? I fret over the small stuff and I'm learning to let go of some of my worries. Just let it go. Fly free worries and anxieties. Fly Free!! Life is truly a blessing. Take care, Peace!!

A pecked Duck!!

Lately I have no energy for the wrong reason. You would think my energy level from health would be low but no, my children are wild beasts on the loose. Oh my, I've been pecked to death from my children. How did that happen? My kids hate each other is what happened. Anything they can do they do it to each other before they are in time out. I have lost my mommy cool and frankly, I love my mommy cool. These last few months have been going good and life is good but for the last few weeks I'm living with kids who are driving me crazy with their fighting, screaming and down right being total butt wads. Yes, I called my children butt wads because they are acting like it. I've tried making the peace, me their mother but I've been tuned out like I don't even exist until one child is running to me crying. Geez, if I can't handle the crazy now I'm scared to know what the teenage years are going to be like. I can't think that far a head or I'm packing my bags now. Just kidding, but I do need a break from all this crazy. I'm not asking for much. Just need some peace for awhile. I don't think my ears can handle all the screaming. Oh for the love of all things holy!!! Take care, Peace!!

Work and No Play!!

I don't know why I think I deserve a break for at least one day but when I do take a day off the house implodes. It's not a pretty sight. So my Monday's I'm catching up for what I put off from the weekend. I keep telling myself I deserve a break so I take one but I end up with more work to do. I live with 3 slobs and they don't know what a garbage can is and my kids think toys belong on the floor which I have almost killed myself on many occasions. I keep telling myself if I keep harping on the kids they will get it some day but my hubby, I can't change his habits.

In the meantime I'm just flustered. It's like come on, I just cleaned that. Some days I would like to go on strike but then I change my mind because I also have to live here too. No way in hell will I live like that. It's gross and I need a shower just thinking about it. I keep telling my family if they don't do their part I'm going to move.

Kidding aside, I do feel like that sometimes when it gets real bad but I do love my family and I put up with some of it. So I'm on catch up cleaning today the rest of the week I clean here and there but most of my job is to keep the house tidy. I get overwhelmed like the responsibly is kinda daunting when I feel like I'm not appreciated for what I do.

I keep telling myself the kids are young and someday they will be able to help and clean up after themselves. I so want independent kids so they learn to take care of themselves (cough cough)not like my hubby. Sorry Hun, but you would be living in a pig pen if it wasn't for me. Some day I will have that and I'll keep harping on my kids to do things for themselves and one day I'll be like surprised I don't have to do everything around my house. I'll have well efficient kids. If that ever happened then it's all worth the struggle today. Take care, Peace!!

Yard Work is not my Friend!!

I really do NOT like doing yard work but it has to get done..okay, it really doesn't and we could let it grow a jungle in front of our house but I don't think our neighbours would appreciate that neither and we already get flyer's, business cards for landscaping businesses on our front door. I think they are telling us something. So for the last month or so I've been hacking away at our bushes and ripping out those nasty weeds and I gotta tell you I do not like it. I get scrapped, have so many bruises I lost count of them all. I'm itchy and my allergies are screaming at me and since I've been doing yard work I look like I've been crying for along time. My eyes are red and puffy and it's not making me feel so sexy. I like taking care of myself and when you feel not sexy it kinda ruins the quality of life if you know what I mean. I don't want that and I'm sure my hubby appreciates it when I feel sexy because he benefits from that.

It's been along day. The daughter had her gymnastics showcase this morning. I was trying to watch but I was dealing with a bored 3 year old. It wasn't pretty and what I could watch she was great. I was impressed with what she could do. At least, the hubby was video taping so I can watch later. Next week my daughter is done pre-school and the last of it is her dance show on the 26th. I'm happy we found this school for her and I'm impressed with their program and in the future we found her a dance school.

Well I'm going to go wallow in my self pity on this beautiful Saturday night with my hubby. Take care, Peace!!

Don't be torn to being an individual!!

So I'm torn, why? A part of me wants to shout out and ask people what the hell they are doing? and a part of me wants to just keep to myself and not rock the boat. It's tearing me up. I feel like I have a lot to say and my experiences in my life has given me perspective on life, not in the world views but personal flight. I understand personal pain, I understand being destructive, and I wish I could reach out to people to come back to responsibility for one's own instead of trying to be popular or worried to what other people think about it. So I decided to put myself out there and express myself based on love for humanity!!

Worry about yourself first. Be selfish to yourself and understand what you stand for then what your family, friends and society thinks. It's okay to not fit into the world mold or maybe you want too but make sure you are not killing your integrity. Never sacrifice your integrity for someone else even if other people will condemn you because from experience when you sacrifice your own integrity and it will eat you up more than someone else will. It's not worth it..trust me! Not worth it. Stay true to yourself. No one can live your life but you.

I could be misguided at times and I don't have all the answers but I do know what's in my heart. Life is hard and I know from experience that it is. I also over came some pretty hard situations but it also lead me down to just accepting my personal being. Being an individual, my own unique self then trying to be popular because I say this lightly, being popular changes on a daily basis but being you takes a lifetime. You can see it happening in fashion magazines, TV, Movie's and the media. All those outlets keep changing but you as a person in your heart never do.

My hope is to touch people by there hearts. To remember the humanity from the heart then from religion, country, race, and sex. We are all people, we all have hearts, we all have feelings and that's what I would like people to think about. Come back to looking at life from the hearts point of view with the brain to guide us to be better people.

Our entitlement is to be the best we can be by being responsible for ourselves and not taking other people for granted. Taking something from someone else because you think you deserve it more than they do is not an entitlement to yourself but a self need to be better than they are. It's the "I want" everything and I don't care who I hurt in the process attitude.

Sure, there are some situations where you have been wronged like someone stealing from you and criminal activities against you like rape, murder and such. You should get your justice but not if it's going to crush your heart and you end up losing your integrity. Everyone has there own life stories and we all act differently in the same situation by the environment we all grew up in. Showing compassion and understanding we are all different will make life go a little bit easier. I don't expect someone to know what I'm thinking. I don't expect to be treated the same as someone else with a different skin color, I understand being a women not having a voice in other Countries. I understand that life's not fair and I don't expect it to be but what I can expect is I'm a individual with personal feelings from my OWN life experiences and they are different from YOURS.

So is it fair to say we should all think the same or be a collective? Be the same. religion, with looks etc? Should we all act the same with everyone around us? The answer is No!! Why? Because it will never happen! Why? Because we are all free thinkers as individuals and we all see the world differently as an individual. Please be the best you can be and let other people be the best they can be.

Cindy Lauper says it all in her song True Colors:
You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Take care, Peace!!

who needs sleep!!

I don't think I have gotten it in my head I shouldn't be going to bed at 2am in the morning. I still need huge amounts of sleep so when my hubby and I stay up talking until the wee hours of the night my body screams at me. I should learn this by now.

The world as we know it is changing. Change is good but not the kind of change we are facing. I don't want to be a fear monger because it goes against the grain of my being. I'm kinda worried and not for me but for my children. I try to be informed of what is going on around my existence of life. Where do I fit in the large scheme of things? How do I adjust to these changes?

Lately my hubby and I have been talking..ha ha. Some people would think that's good. We're partners in life and communicating is a good thing. He's my rock and I tend to freak out sometimes like when I went through my panic of Natural Disasters and not being prepared. He calmed me down and we made an emergency kit.

Last night I was like if the economy gets bad and Obama is moving towards a Socialist Country of dependence on the Government we will have to move to Canada. Then he reminds me Canada's no better. Canada taxes it's Citizens to death also for their own Social Programs. So moving to Canada wouldn't be any better. So if the USA isn't the world safe haven anymore then where are people supposed to go?

My hubby and I have great discussions because we both bring something new to the table. We don't argue and he tells me things I need to think about and for him also. I just wish we had these discussions at a reasonable hour. I wonder how far the American People will put up with the Government. Will this Country have another American Revolution against it's own Government? Will we have another civil war? I think I'm going a little over board in my thought process but it's kinda based on how the Government just passed a Health care Reform bill without knowing what's in the thing is kinda scary to me. I have concerns and should have concerns. I can't have a blind eye to some of this stuff.

So what can we do? At home, we're cutting back the spending. We're paying off our debt. Going back to basics. Doing some of these things my family can prepare for the worst and if nothing happens then we're better off financially. On the outside world we vote, we vote for Government officials who we believe will do it's job and listen to the people. We make them accountable to do the right thing for this Country. We can turn this Country to be great again. We just have to vote out the cancer in our Government. The cancer that feeds the need for the wrong power. I'm sorry but when the Government isn't afraid of the people then you have lost the war.

How dare the US Government think they know what's best for me. They don't know jack shit about my needs and hell, they don't know what's best for me. I don't need to be dependant on anyone but myself. If I want to eat a greasy hamburger then it's my choice. Is it smart? no, but it's my choice too. I don't need the Government telling me that I can't eat the greasy hamburger because it's bad for me.

Okay, so I have concerns. I have concerns of where this Country is headed. I can bitch for along time about this but I do have a life and children to raise so for another day. Take care, Peace

thoughts running through my head!!

I have lots to write about but for some reason I'm having a hard time getting it out on my computer. I feel like the chaos running rampage in my brain is making me a little off kilter. So I'll just spill the beans what's going on in my head. I may figure something out or piss off a lot of people. I don't know!! My family is surviving and things are doing great concerning my health and I'm happy for that. All the stuff going on in the world is making me a little afraid for my children. Life on the outside world is a little scary and how can I live and give my family the best protection? How do I provide a safe haven for my children away from all the crazy in the world? The things going on in the world are making me all anxious and in turn, I can't sleep. I pray all the time to guide myself and my children so we can at least, protect ourselves from this corrupt society. This whole idea of entitlement is getting me all worked up. Our Society is turning into an entitlement program. People feel like they deserve to have programs and handouts that don't belong to them. The USA Government is spending money like they have an open credit card with no limit. They keep forgetting that the money they are spending freely is the Tax Payers money. That money belongs to "WE the People"!! The whole illegal immigration and the way our society is falling apart in front of my eyes is a little scary. How do we protect what this Country used to be? Where to begin? Do I really have a voice? I'm not feeling like I'm part of the popular thinking right now. Some people wouldn't like what I have to say because frankly, if you're in this Country Illegally, you're breaking the Law. Secure the Boarders so no more illegals can come in to this Country and drain the system. I'm sorry you want a better life then come into this country the legal way like every other legal immigrant has done. Illegal is Illegal. You're breaking the Law but what do I know? Apparently it's alright to be here illegal and I wish I would have known because I wouldn't have spent all the Government fees to come to this Country Legally. Where's my handout? Where's all the free health care and education for me? Oh right, those don't apply to me because I'm legal. My faith towards God as gotten stronger because I'm afraid of what I'm seeing in the world today. My faith has nothing to do with me wanting to be saved because I believe once you accept Jesus is the Son of God you kind of are saved but I'm talking about believing in the core values and morals you should live by from what's in the bible. I've been prayer more now then I think I have ever had in the past. I just pray and I'll keep prayer until it's my time to go from this world. I just don't know if that's enough. I hope it's enough, I truly do. Somewhere in all this chaos their is a life lesson I need to learn. I haven't put my finger on it yet and one of these days I hope it comes to me like a light bulb moment because I serious need some answers. I really would like to have a good nights sleep. I want to feel rested but every day it's something else, it's more chaos and destruction. Sure, I would love to wake up and go, "look at our World and this is nice!" but reality our whole world is falling to shit. We have wars, genocide going on in parts of the world, oh right, did I say we have wars, terrorists trying to blow people up, we have economic ruin in places around the world. Humanity isn't looking all that good right now. We suck as a Human race, truly we suck!! Peace doesn't look like a possibility at the moment. It's sad!! How do I teach my children right from wrong when the USA can't even follow their own Laws? I guess I'll have to do my best. I will also have to teach them to be courageous because most likely they will be the minority in their morals. I am not ashamed to say I'm Christian and believe in GOD. I will teach my children to not be ashamed of who they are. As long as you show respect, kindness, tolerance and not expect in it in return you're doing something alright. People say they have acceptance and tolerance until it goes against what they stand for. The moment they don't agree the race card gets pulled out. "Your a Racist" You hear it in the media all the time. If that's the case, we're all a bunch of Racists. That's absurd, not everyone is a racist!! I don't agree with Illegal Immigration so I must be a racist against Mexicans. Not really! Illegal is Illegal. I don't care who you are. Come to this Country Legally. That's all I'm saying!! My ancestors were Native American Indian part of the Ojibwa tribe migrated to what is known today as the Country Canada because of the French. So who has the right to be here? you? me? So why is it so hard to see that a person who is in this Country illegally, oh sorry Undocumented Workers have the right to be here? They don't have a right to something that doesn't legally belongs to them. They are breaking USA Immigration Laws. Everything is so backwards. Common Sense. Am I the only one who sees this for what it is? I don't grudge what happened to my ancestors because of a bunch of Europeans who came over and nearly wiped out my people. This land became a Republic the United States of America. We have Laws so follow them. It's that easy! I can't change the past but I can do is talk about what's going on with life today. Of Course, I don't want everyone to leave because they're not North American Indian. I always tell my children, just because you have the right to something doesn't mean it's right to take something that doesn't belong to you. Illegal Immigrants don't belong here. They are accepted with open arms when they come into this country the legal way!! I'm just saying and I don't think it sounds too far fetched to me! This is a Country with Laws and if you want to live here then follow the laws or pay the consequences. Pay the piper!! I'm not a jackass, I'm just saying everyone is welcome to immigrate to this Country but just do it legally. It's a pain in the ass trust me, I did it and it cost a hell of a lot of money and time and energy but I did it and when everything is said and done, you can now contribute to Society and pay back into the system. Not everyone is a Racist just because they don't agree illegal is illegal. I just don't understand why illegal aliens who are already here in this Country who are not criminals(other than being here illegally) haven't filed papers to be legal? It's not like they can't go to an INS office and apply for Legal Residency. I don't get it!! Maybe I'll never know. Okay, I'm kinda pissed about Illegal Immigration. I'm glad I got some of that off my chest!!I'm done!! Take care Peace!!

World has gone crazy!!

Man, what is going on in this country and this world?......I have lots to say but can't seem to get it all out. I could be frustrated, worried, a little scared for my children's future or just completely insane. Okay, I've always said I was insane so that can't be it. I just don't know anymore and maybe I do know and that's what's so scary. Every time I watch the news it's something bad or you get a little glimpse of hope when a father jumps into a river to rescue his two year old daughter. Yes, have hope!! Have hope in a world with natural disasters, murders, religious child abuse, wars, and so on and so on. It gets down right depressing. I try not to read the news but then you have to try to be informed on what's going on in the world. Where is the balance? I don't really want to hear about murder, death, kill and yes I just quoted from the movie Demolition Man. I also can quote Transformers with "you have to ask yourself..what would Jesus do?" Really, come on...if only life was that simple. What would Jesus do? Take care, Peace!!

Comes crashing down!!!

This week has been a stressful one for me. The son got pinkeye and is on eye drops and I'm surprised he's taking the drops pretty well. I think he realizes they help his eyes and hasn't fought us like a sumo wrestler when we're giving them to him. This kid is strong and has been since birth like the time he kicked me when he was 4 months old in the leg and dropped me to my knees. You have to have two people holding him down when he's getting looked at by a Doctor. He hates it with a passion for anyone poking at him and he will let you know...oh he lets you know all right. It's the screeching pain in your ears and the struggle and it's not like you want your child to be in distress so it makes it twice as worse to watch this little boy struggle and scream with tears. That can't be a good thing. I wonder if I'm scaring this kid for life every time he goes in for a check up...maybe when he gets older it may not be so bad...lets hope!!!!! (Break) The reason this week is stressful because I have anxiety over my house. Things I let slide when I was at my medical worst is catching up with me. I look around the house and I can feel the blood rush to my head with stress. I shouldn't get stressed about these things but I can't help it. I really like structure and I feel hopeless right now because I don't have the energy to get some of these things I want to do. It's a no win situation for me with the back and forth within my head. I understand I had no control over my low energy but at the same time I feel like I'm the only one who does any of the cleaning. My hubby is great with helping me take care of the kids but when it comes to cleaning...he kind of sucks at it but is good at making more of a mess for me to clean. Sorry honey but it's true. I do have to admit I knew this going into our relationship so it's not like I didn't know about his organized mess until now. It just seems with two messy kids and a hubby I get so overwhelmed at times I snap. I have a full out hissy fit and its not pretty. I don't even want to get into how the master bedroom is like. My sanctuary is a storage dump at this moment with baby gear, baby toys, boxes of clothes and our two cats seem to stink more now then ever before. Every time I go by our stairs I can smell a fowl odor. It's not pretty and air freshener doesn't seem to help. It's been getting to me this week more then ever. Actually it's been getting to me for awhile but I was in denial before like I didn't want to admit I was a mess. I'm in a cleaning freak anxiety mess and wish I had a few days of serious energy so I can get some of this work done. I'm not there yet and it bothers me I can't just get this stuff done so my hearts not on some serious power trip ready to leap out of my chest. Oh my, life's kicking me in the ass this week. Take care, Peace!!!

Life's challenges!!

Great, I woke up to an email this morning and wow, talk about slap in the face. I'm hurt, angry and a little indifferent. I understand people have stress, divorces, separations in there lives. It's major adjustments for families to figure out let alone deal with family members, relationships, who to allow in your life and who to just say goodbye too. Of course, making those decisions you want what's best for you but sometimes you're hurting people in the process who don't need to be hurt. So I get this email and my first thought was to write back but then I didn't want to write back when I was hurting because I just can't control my mouth and I would have said stuff I just should keep to myself. Then I became angry to fuck you!! So in a few weeks there is a birthday party for a cousin and right now I'm conflicted if I want to go. She didn't do anything wrong it's her mothers. It doesn't make sense and maybe it's not supposed to make sense but why do I want to hang out with these people after that? I really don't. I just want to cut my ties and move on. Who needs this drama? and it's not like we see them on a regular basis. Then I realize it's family. I married into this family and I should be supportive. Kids are innocent and just because an adult person wants to be selfish and drag drama into the mix it's not fair to the kids. They are cousins and my kids should go to the party to celebrate a birthday. It's going to be so uncomfortable!! Take care, Peace!!

Medical problems are a pain in my ass!!

I should be sleeping right now but I like to conflict pain onto myself and if I went to bed I would have thoughts running all crazy up in there in what I call my brain so I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway so here I am tired like a crazy person. Sometimes I would love to live in my happy place where I don't have any medical problems what so ever!! I don't remember the last time I felt normal. Anemia, low blood pressure and everything else I have piled onto my life which runs me down to where I just want to sit in a corner and cry is just something I keep trying to remind myself I have no control over. It's something I have to live with and learn to deal. I have to deal and most of the time I just deal but there are other times like most of the time I'm trying to figure out how to deal. It's so hard and being run down I just have to bitch about it. Bitching about it feels damn good. So I'm getting tired of this yo-yo cold I've been fighting since Halloween. It could be the piggie flu but who knows but when I think I've recovered it comes back full force. I have a good day where I can actually breath to the next day my head is stuffed full of shit and the pressure is just to the point of not killing anyone. I seriously want to be so over and done and would like to have my sanity back if that's possible. I would have a happier life is I was feeling better. I think the kids will remember this faze in there life as mommy being a crazy person on steroids. There is only room for one drama queen in our house and that's momma bear right now. I'm not surprised our daughter is also a drama queen having melt downs every chance she can get lately, It's not like I'm breaking down and crying every second but really I would like too. I'm just a total bitch with no patience more often then I would like. It's so not me. I'm the happy go with the flow kinda gal and this period in my life is not one of my finer qualities I want to admire or teach my kids. I seriously need a chill pill. Vacation from my life is what I really need and if people know how that's possible do tell I would like to know. I sure need a serious break. I really don't have patience for when people get sick and complain how bad they feel because frankly I feel bad every day. I pick myself up every morning and find the strength to take care of my kids and make sure our house doesn't implode so feeling sick doesn't get any sympathy from me. Live in my shoes for a day and you wouldn't be complaining anymore. Just think of feeling the worst you have ever felt when you were sick and remember I feel like that on a good day. I haven't really talked how bad I feel or explain how I feel because what good will that do and it's not like anyone can do anything about it and my Medical Doctor's don't know what to do about it but tell me to exercise like I understand the concept of exercise and how wonderful it is to the body like you don't need a degree to understand why it's good for you but they can't wrap it around there educated brains if I attempt to exercise like they are asking me too I will land myself in the ER. Are they prepared to pay for my medical bills when this happens? I get at least light headed 5 times a day and that's on a good day. I'm not passing out anymore thank god!! but I have two little kids I have to take care of during the day. My hubby is wonderful already when I get too worn out to care for them but he can't be rushing home all the time taking care of me and the kids. He has to work because he makes the money and I can't risk him losing his job because I'm trying to get the proper amount of cardio I need during the week. I don't need my children to get used to seeing the inside of an emergency room neither. I don't think the Doctor's also understand taking care of two young one's is work and tidying a house is work. If that's not exercise I must be on a loony train. These educated Doctor's don't actually consider my taking care of two little one's as the right proper amount of exercise I should be doing. What I want to do is tell them where to shove there educated diploma's. So I'm doing what I can do to find the inner strength to get though the day in one piece with the goal to have two happy kids, a nice tidy house and a good marriage. Take care, Peace!!

Holiday here we come!!

I'm just warning you my grammar stinks and when I'm tired it sucks even more. Okay carry on!! So I typically decorate the house after my birthday but this year I decided to do it early because I figured next weekend was just cutting it too close to Christmas. I didn't want to feel like a scrooge waiting the week before Christmas to decorate the house. It got very hairy there for for awhile today with the kids getting into trouble by not listening to me. I think my blood pressure got in the Normal range which for me I'm sure it could have been a nice ride to the ER but it didn't happen. Thank you!!The kids got way to hyper for my liking and getting into things they shouldn't. The hubby was working most of the day and I didn't get a lot of help from him which was okay with me because his major project is almost finished. He helped when he could, yelled at the kids for me when they weren't listening to me and we just kind of tagged teamed the craziness between his answering his phone and working. It was kind of nice actually having him working from home so I could get things done and have his help when I needed him. Thanks Honey!! The house is done and I'm so tired, my back is burning and my body just can't handle the simple task of decorating the house. I wish I was well as in health and wish it didn't take all my energy to do something wonderful as putting up a Christmas Tree and decorating a house. I went really simple this year just the fact it almost killed me last year and I promised I wasn't going to go crazy. It still almost killed me this year but I finished and I'm done. I still feel winded so I'm going to sit here write this post. I'm going to listen to some music and wait until my laundry is gone so I can get a good nights sleep. I can get some good sleep so I can wake up early to get the daughter to school in time. I think I can breath again. Finished!! Yeah me!!! I rock!!! Okay, I'm really tired, run down like wow, I haven't felt this bad in awhile. The way it looks I think the decorations will kept up until Easter. The thought of having to take it all down in a few weeks back in there boxes is giving me anxiety. I just can't handle that thought right now. Seriously, I'm freaked out!! I think I want some patience for Christmas. Sometimes I feel like I'm way to hard on the kids. The daughter was a big help with the tree and for a 4 year old she did really well putting the ornaments on the tree and the son not so much. I have to give him credit he's only two. He wanted to help with the tree and was stacking all the ornaments on one branch. It really did look funny and after some hair pulling it got done. It would have been better less the drama but oh well, it's done and now we all can enjoy it!!! So I'm going to take my anxiety self and relax for awhile. My nerves are on fire like seriously my body hurts that bad. I would hate to see myself run around the block I think I would pass out. So have a great Christmas or Holiday. Take care, Peace!!!

Things are lost!!

I lost my cell phone yesterday and I'm really bummed more than I should be. I'm in a panic because I have photo's of my children on that phone. My hubby called the phone thinking it was in the house somewhere and it went to voice mail which is weird because I never turn the thing off and I always made sure it had full battery power. It's somewhere and I want it back. We only went to one place yesterday and the hubby went back to the store today and no one found it. I know it's just a phone BUT MY KIDS PICTURES ARE ON IT and some stranger could have it which makes me panic even more. I don't want some stranger looking at pictures of my kids and I don't want to think about some stranger looking at pictures of my kids because it just freaks me out. I try to protect my kids and that's why I will never post any kid pictures on this blog because really I don't know a large percentage of people who read my little blog and no offense I have a small circle of family and friends who I trust but not so much strangers on the Internet. The hubby disconnected my phone last night so whoever has it couldn't use it and I'm just praying it will be returned to me safely. So I'm without one of my lifelines. It's a fixture of my being and I feel safe with it knowing if I need to call someone here it is beside me. Okay, little dramatic but hey, that's just me. Take care, Peace!!!