So the last few months I haven't slept well. I can't get any single good night sleep. I get chances to sleep but not good rested sleep. I like avoiding my problems. I am good at it and I procrastinate so I don't have to deal with them but you know what...my brain is like ah ha...you need to work this out and won't let me sleep because my brain goes on overdrive right before I go to bed like that very instant I have to deal with stuff in my life.
Too me, it's not important like it bothers me when people comment on Abortion. Okay, it bothers me a lot but I'm great at avoiding my feelings on that. I just ignore them. That's what I do when life feels like it's weighing me down. I ignore my emotions and who cares if I'm crying all the time, feeling all down with myself but someone has to do housecleaning, taking care of a home and organizing my families schedule. I have to ignore something so I figured my problems that dwell within me have to be put on the side burning but apparently my brain didn't get my memo of avoidance and distraction of one's own feelings.
So the last few days I have kept myself up later than I want to so I'm so exhausted I just want to crash from sleep deprivation and the moment I put my head down on my pillow my eyes pop open and I'm wide awake. Yes, I can't sleep and I start to cry because I know I'm avoiding what I shouldn't avoid...remember I got the memo and I just want to distract so I can go to bed. I just want to go to bed because I am one crazy bitch when I don't get a large amount of sleep. I can't function and when I can't function the family seems to be less organized and my oldest doesn't get her reading list done for school and I forget to make her do her homework for a week. Yes, this happened but all is good because I made her catch up. See, things happen when I can't sleep like the importance of a grade school education for my daughter.
So the avoidance isn't working so good for me. I am on over kill on self destruction because of my lack of sleep and life is running on crazy right now. I up my dose of Vitamin D3 pills today because I think the lack of sunlight is also playing a role here too but that's for another time. So anyway, I decided to just be straight up with myself and be honest I'm an emotional mess like I am every year this time because like I just said the lack of sunlight plays apart with my insanity. So I realized I have life cycles and right now I'm in my blue cycle and who knew having a vitamin D deficiency could play apart in my world. So I was talking to a herbalist at the drug store and got some good advice. I would tell you but I don't want to get sued as in legal hell so what works for me may not work for you so get your own herbalist or see a Doctor! That's my advice.
So anyway, I'm trying different vitamins to see if that helps. I'll let you know or maybe not if it doesn't work. Then I decided to work on fixing the other avoidance in my life. I'm going to deal with it. I'm sure my husband will be quite happy when I stop being anti-social. People are good. Okay, a lot of people are good and sometimes a person within my circle of friends will do something stupid that hurts my feelings and I need to move on from that and not take it so personal.
It just gets to me when I go to Church and I learn so much of who God is and I'm wanting that relationship with him and I'm soaking it all in and I'm learn about love and how I should love each and everyone of you all because we're all God's Children even the non believers. So I'm getting the message and I'm applying it to my own life. I'm learning to forgive and heal my wounded heart and all my past hurts and judgement and I'm giving it all to Jesus because that's why he did what he did for us to take away our sins so we can have ever lasting life with God in Heaven. I was opening my eyes to all the blessings within my own life and how special life is and one's own journey then BAM...my so called Christian Brother does something that just blows up in my face of how not special I am by a decision I made when I was 23 years old. Not only that but I was accused of being just as evil as Hitler and the killing of the Jews during the Holocaust because I have a different opinion about Abortion. Lets just say it stings!!
It was a blow to everything I believe in and also trying to forgive I decided to do more things with the church and joined the ladies book club. Once a month we read a book and then get together and chat about how we love this Christian Book. I thought it would be fun seeing how I love to read and I read a lot so why not. I will not walk away from the church because I would have if this happened years ago. I would have avoided anything to do with the hurt I was feeling. Move on and forget. Not this time and I would open myself up even more to see the good in all this hurtfulness.
Well I'm reading this months book and I so not think it's great. I down right not like this book. I haven't finished it yet but so far I'm not digging the book and I read all the comments on Facebook how wonderful this book is and I just want to gag on it. Now, do I go and discuss the book and let my feelings be heard on the subject or do I do what I always do and avoid the uncomfortable situation and pretend I forgot about this months book club get together this Friday night? Choices, and trust me I'll rather go and pretend I love the book so I can go hang out with the girls but I can't lie about the book and I would rather not share the reason I don't like the book because that would mean I would have to share parts of my past I would rather leave in my past. Not something I want to talk about with a bunch of Christian women who I see every Sunday and parts of the rest of the week. I even asked my Husband to stop going to small group so I can avoid and distract from the Christian Brother I've been hurt by. It's awkward and uncomfortable for me to be in the same room with this man. My real thought is to go slap that man in the face but then that wouldn't be very Christian of me would it?
Yesterday I was sitting in the car with my husband coming back from spending a lot of money on vitamins for the various medical issues I have contracted over the years and I just sat there screaming in my head WILSON!!! you know from the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks. I was just screaming silently within my head because if I did it in real life that would look crazy and I'm no Brittany Spears ya'll!! And it felt great and I came home and started listening to music that empowers me and makes me feel like I have things handled. It felt good and sometimes I just fall in a hole and just want to sit there and not have any energy to dig myself out of it. I sit and smell the flowers and I stare up at the sky and pretend I'm looking at all the beautiful stars when I can't see through all the thick clouds in the sky. I'm living my life the way I want to but sometimes I avoid and sometimes I hide because it's better to be alone then to sit with someone pretending I have it all together when I don't.
I don't have life figured out and I'm okay with that and maybe my brain just needs to shut up once in awhile because life isn't perfect and I shouldn't expect life to be perfect. I'm the gal who avoids and distracts because that's what life made me into and I wish my brain gets this memo so I can get some good night sleep from now on. See I'm crying here "I Want Some Sleep", so take care, and I can only dream of peace on earth!!
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