It's a New Year!

Wow, Plenty of good and crappy and just all up anxiety has happened within the New Year. First off, I spent New YearsEve cramped in the house because our Car decided to stop working December 30, 2012. My family only has one Car because our tax paying Budget only covers for one Car and not two so we couldn't go anywhere. I was bummed so I made the family watch the Sound of Music and I loved it and we forgot to ring in the New Year when that time came around. It was past 1 am when the movie got over and my two little children stayed up way to late so we put them to bed and that's about it. Nothing Earth shattering or special other than spending it with my family happened.

New Years Day we decided to take the Bus to see a Movie with the kids. We promised them a Movie over their Christmas Break but instead of taking the Bus we walked instead and it wasn't too far of a walk and we all loved it. We watched the Rise of the Guardian and we all loved it. After the Movie we decided it wasn't too far and we walked to Target and then Barnes and Noble because my daughter got herself a gift card for Christmas and wanted to pick up her New Book from her Wolf book series she's reading. Then for Dinner we walked to Five Guys. Over all it was a really great day and one to remember.

The following day I drank the last of my Diet Rockstars and Diet Pepsi so off to the store we walked. It was a beautiful day, the sun was out and the family was doing good and when we got to the store we took a break and decided to have a snack. That's when the Hubs got the call about our Car. It would cost $2300 to fix the car. I was heartbroken because we were planning on paying off our son's Kindergarten Tuition with that money. We saved it, we didn't spend it and here that money had to be used to fix the car. We need a Car yet at the same time I felt defected like you have a plan and everything is going good and you hit a wall. So we're back to paying each month but still we could have used that monthly expense for something on our list to pay off. It's just a shitty situation all around.

Last Friday January 4th I decided to write an email to my Pastor explaining why I was leaving the Church. It was a heart felt email and explained how I felt and why I felt it and at first, I wasn't going to send it but decided I had to stick up for myself. I'm tired of so called Christian's say they are for Love but keep pointing out sins especially my sin. How am I to heal? with the healing I need to do is about my Abortion, heal that part why I chose the Abortion and deal with the healing of my rape. I can't do that when I'm with several Christian's who say they care about me but then turn around and post hurtful things on Facebook about Abortion. I lost it and I'm hurt so I decided without telling my husband I was leaving the Church.

That was my Stand so after I sent it I had two emails in my inbox, both from my Pastor. First one was my Recommendation Letter I have been waiting 2 months for and our weekly Church News Letter which it read to pray so bitterness doesn't breed hatefulness. Lets just say I felt like the biggest Ass and it just shattered my whole being. I kept myself busy and Sunday rolled around, the Car was fixed and all my Laundry was done and put away, I rearranged my Closet, I went shopping and I spent time with both kids on their various video games and I kept busy because I was afraid if I sat still my mind would wander so Sunday morning I got up, got the kids ready for Church and said goodbye to them and watched them drive away and I sat down and cried and I cried for a good long time. I slept some the night before but mostly I stayed up with the Hubs and talked. I explained why I wrote the letter, I explained my feelings and he seemed to understand and told me I should make some time to sit down with the Pastor to talk about it. I almost had an anxiety attack. So while set up was going on, my hubs and I were texting each other back and forth. He told me he talked to the Pastor and that he read my email and he wanted to talk to me about it. My hubs put in a prayer request for the Church to pray for me and he told me the prayer was really nice by the Pastor which made my heart hurt even more. I have never felt so alone and defected before because this time hurt, this time somewhere deep within my soul needs to be sitting in the pew (okay Movie Theater..aka Church meets in a Theater) on Sunday Morning, serving with kids, being togetherness with Believers in Christ. So when I decided to walk away it crushed apart of me.

Is this where my walk in my Journey I call my life going? Am I just being Human and doing it alone because that's my sin nature or Am I being lead away from the Church because Jesus has other plans for me. I know know and My mind is frazzled and confused and torn. I've been praying, I've been seeking him through worship. I'm singing like crazy and it's driving me a little out of sorts. I guess I want answers right now so I can know what to do. Where am I going? Am I just being a tool and should go back to Church and it's like my Life is in wait mode and I don't like it. Should I go or should I stay? So many questions and zero answers!

My heart is hurting, my soul is crying out and I just want some peace. My mind is all over the place. I kept checking my email every 5 seconds yesterday just hoping but my Pastor is in Southern California on some Pastor Conference/retreat/business and I feel all alone. I also had my yearly Doctor appointments. I guess they changed the guidelines for Diabetes Control which makes my numbers why out of control. I'm being sent to a team of Diabetic Specialists to rein in my control and go back on Insulin. I didn't fight it this time around. I'll take those stupid needles and I'll go to their stupid classes and support groups. I don't want to lose my Kidney's, or eye sight and my Doctor thinks my Chronic Pain is due to my Diabetes and someday the medication I'm taking will not help with that. I don't want that to happen so I'm listening now.

So Here I am on Tuesday January 8th with my heart broken, lonely, feel misunderstood, feeling out of control, and wondering if life will be different this year. I sent in my application for a Volunteer Position to help give awareness for Human Trafficking. My mind is a little nutty and hopefully once I get some time to sit with my Pastor to hash out that needs to be hashed out and I don't run in the opposite direction, life should hopefully settle out again....I pray for peace and I may just get it in the form of a CD today. Chris Tomlin's BurningLight CD is out today and I'm going to go get it later. I'm also going to his Concert in April. I have lots of good things coming down the road. I just hope I get there. Take care, Peace!

I'm stuck in Life!!!

There are so many days these last few months I just wanted to write my feelings out. I've been in a funk since last Summer and I've been working it out but the moment I'm about to sit down and work out my problems on the computer I just wanted to chuck my laptop across the room because I'm so frustrated with life....It's like this battle within my head and everyone just seems to say something that pisses me off and I get angry and I clam up like a shell because that's what I do. I can't be a rational person and when I get offended by someone I clam up into a ball of nerves and I'm just one manic person who needs drugs to sleep at night because if I don't I won't sleep. I will be up all night stewing about something that shouldn't matter.

I also thought maybe I have some mental problem and should seek help but then I come back to earth and realize if I did take some mental health drug I would be happy but still crazy inside.

When I seek answers I just ask the questions and sometimes I like the answers but most the times I get more confused. Like God for examples, I believe in Jesus and I believe in the one who created all things. I read my bible and I go to church every Sunday and I do bible study and I'm soaking in the Lord I enjoy it and I have had my experiences with Christ I can't explain it right and I know I'm not walking my life alone. People would think I was crazy to think I was touched by Jesus and no I wasn't on Drugs when it happened. Why me? Why am I so special? and I will have to tell you I'm not special at all because I'm messed up just like you are.

The problem I can't get over is I had an abortion when I was 23 years old. I've been stewing about this for months now. The brokenness over it is swallowing me up like a tidal wave crashing against the beach. I made the decision to have an abortion because it was a moment in my life I needed so I could live. I was saving myself and people will call me a murderer. What about it's life? I know all the questions and I have an answer and it may have taken me almost 14 years to express and share to whomever reads this blog. I will share it with you.

I choose life and I'm pro-life. Well how could I say something like that if I had an abortion? I believe in life and I may have ended one life but I chose my life. I believed my life was more valuable and I believe I'm worth saving. I may be dysfunctional and I have my faults but too me, this pregnancy would have killed me. I hope you never have to feel how it is to be violently raped because it took away something inside of me and I became broken that night. Apart of my soul died and for the longest time I tried to forget about it. I needed to believe life was good and I wanted to feel safe in a world who hated me.

When you have walked in my shoes and lived the life I have lived up until I was 23 years old, maybe you would understand the choice I made. Do I regret my decision? No, and I would do it all over again. Life can change in seconds and I can't live in fear any longer and hide behind the mask I have created for myself.

When I hear a Christian talk about how evil abortion is or see pictures posted on Facebook of what a fetus looks like at 12 weeks of gestation it hurts a lot. Look, I understand aborting your child is something you shouldn't take likely but ask all those girls and women if their life is important too. Ask them!! I would tell you the tragedy isn't the abortion itself but the act of getting there. People want to place blame because that's what we humans do have to place blame on people to justify their hatred. Of course, opposing abortion isn't hatred when you're the one opposing it but for me, who has had an abortion I find your opinion and your voice full of hate and not at all loving like Jesus teaches.

I just want to scream on the top of my lungs my life is important too when the topic of abortion is brought up or when someone comments on how bad it is but then I get afraid. I don't feel comfortable with conflict so I don't stick up for myself. I understand killing an innocent life is sad and it shouldn't happen but sometimes you don't make that choice the girl or women in that situation who is going through something big in her life decides that option. We should be supporting her, loving her and telling her we will love her no matter what she decides then to shun her because she choose her life or make her feel guilty because she thought her life was worth saving.

Making me feel guilty I had an abortion isn't helping your cause of ending abortion. Posting pictures of unborn babies on Facebook isn't going to change the fact I had an abortion. Making abortion illegal isn't going to stop abortion. That's the point. Women who are in desperate need will find a way to end their pregnancy if it's illegal or not. Jesus forgave me for my sins and I ask for forgiveness on a regular basis and he already forgive me the moment he died on the cross. I don't understand why some Christians feel I should be condemned for something I have been already forgiven for.

I feel like every moment of my life since I was sitting in that Doctor's office afraid to tell my friends I was there in the first place. I was afraid to say I was raped. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to keep explaining what I did. I just want to move on with my life but I wished I had someone holding my hand telling me I was worth it and everything will be alright and my life was important but I was frightened and scared and I was alone. I was alone with no one to look me in the eyes and tell me everything is alright. Each time when the topic of abortion comes up and that part of my brokenness just proves it further I choose the wrong life. It proves within that part of me I'm not worth it and I'm not to be loved and why on this earth I should feel special? This is how I feel this brokenness I call my life sitting on the bathroom floor with tears streaming down my face afraid to say anything but in that moment I scared I'm going to die.

I want to be angry and I want to say something but each and every time I want to say something my body just wants to vomit and I run the other way. How do you explain to someone who believes you are a murderer? How do you express your feelings when they already made up their mind about abortion? I would love comfort and peace within my brokenness and I've been on my knees plenty of times to give me healing within this part of life which is broken. Sometimes when I'm in church and I'm praying to God I start feeling maybe it could happen to me but then I remember and all those feelings comes pouring back into my heart and I'm that lost little girl again asking God why do you hate me? I have faith I can be healed but I have come to an awareness it will not be on this earth. It won't happen in my lifetime but someday my brokenness will be healed though him who has created me.

I am hurting, I feel like I can't trust anyone, like my feelings don't matter and I'm all over the place emotionally because I'm intertwined with abortion. I can't run away from this topic any longer because as much as I want to hide, I cry myself to sleep every night, and I just want to speak my mind but I'm afraid of judgement, I'm afraid and lets just make this clear, I shouldn't have to tell another Christian about loving everybody.......I matter too!!! Take Care, Peace!!!

Don't avoid your Problems!!

So the last few months I haven't slept well. I can't get any single good night sleep. I get chances to sleep but not good rested sleep. I like avoiding my problems. I am good at it and I procrastinate so I don't have to deal with them but you know what...my brain is like ah ha...you need to work this out and won't let me sleep because my brain goes on overdrive right before I go to bed like that very instant I have to deal with stuff in my life.

Too me, it's not important like it bothers me when people comment on Abortion. Okay, it bothers me a lot but I'm great at avoiding my feelings on that. I just ignore them. That's what I do when life feels like it's weighing me down. I ignore my emotions and who cares if I'm crying all the time, feeling all down with myself but someone has to do housecleaning, taking care of a home and organizing my families schedule. I have to ignore something so I figured my problems that dwell within me have to be put on the side burning but apparently my brain didn't get my memo of avoidance and distraction of one's own feelings.

So the last few days I have kept myself up later than I want to so I'm so exhausted I just want to crash from sleep deprivation and the moment I put my head down on my pillow my eyes pop open and I'm wide awake. Yes, I can't sleep and I start to cry because I know I'm avoiding what I shouldn't avoid...remember I got the memo and I just want to distract so I can go to bed. I just want to go to bed because I am one crazy bitch when I don't get a large amount of sleep. I can't function and when I can't function the family seems to be less organized and my oldest doesn't get her reading list done for school and I forget to make her do her homework for a week. Yes, this happened but all is good because I made her catch up. See, things happen when I can't sleep like the importance of a grade school education for my daughter.

So the avoidance isn't working so good for me. I am on over kill on self destruction because of my lack of sleep and life is running on crazy right now. I up my dose of Vitamin D3 pills today because I think the lack of sunlight is also playing a role here too but that's for another time. So anyway, I decided to just be straight up with myself and be honest I'm an emotional mess like I am every year this time because like I just said the lack of sunlight plays apart with my insanity. So I realized I have life cycles and right now I'm in my blue cycle and who knew having a vitamin D deficiency could play apart in my world. So I was talking to a herbalist at the drug store and got some good advice. I would tell you but I don't want to get sued as in legal hell so what works for me may not work for you so get your own herbalist or see a Doctor! That's my advice.

So anyway, I'm trying different vitamins to see if that helps. I'll let you know or maybe not if it doesn't work. Then I decided to work on fixing the other avoidance in my life. I'm going to deal with it. I'm sure my husband will be quite happy when I stop being anti-social. People are good. Okay, a lot of people are good and sometimes a person within my circle of friends will do something stupid that hurts my feelings and I need to move on from that and not take it so personal.

It just gets to me when I go to Church and I learn so much of who God is and I'm wanting that relationship with him and I'm soaking it all in and I'm learn about love and how I should love each and everyone of you all because we're all God's Children even the non believers. So I'm getting the message and I'm applying it to my own life. I'm learning to forgive and heal my wounded heart and all my past hurts and judgement and I'm  giving it all to Jesus because that's why he did what he did for us to take away our sins so we can have ever lasting life with God in Heaven. I was opening my eyes to all the blessings within my own life and how special life is and one's own journey then BAM...my so called Christian Brother does something that just blows up in my face of how not special I am by a decision I made when I was 23 years old. Not only that but I was accused of being just as evil as Hitler and the killing of the Jews during the Holocaust because I have a different opinion about Abortion. Lets just say it stings!!

It was a blow to everything I believe in and also trying to forgive I decided to do more things with the church and joined the ladies book club. Once a month we read a book and then get together and chat about how we love this Christian Book. I thought it would be fun seeing how I love to read and I read a lot so why not. I will not walk away from the church because I would have if this happened years ago. I would have avoided anything to do with the hurt I was feeling. Move on and forget. Not this time and I would open myself up even more to see the good in all this hurtfulness.

Well I'm reading  this months book and I so not think it's great. I down right not like this book. I haven't finished it yet but so far I'm not digging the book and I read all the comments on Facebook how wonderful this book is and I just want to gag on it. Now, do I go and discuss the book and let my feelings be heard on the subject or do I do what I always do and avoid the uncomfortable situation and pretend I forgot about this months book club get together this Friday night? Choices, and trust me I'll rather go and pretend I love the book so I can go hang out with the girls but I can't lie about the book and I would rather not share the reason I don't like the book because that would mean I would have to share parts of my past I would rather leave in my past. Not something I want to talk about with a bunch of Christian women who I see every Sunday and parts of the rest of the week. I even asked my Husband to stop going to small group so I can avoid and distract from the Christian Brother I've been hurt by. It's awkward and uncomfortable for me to be in the same room with this man. My real thought is to go slap that man in the face but then that wouldn't be very Christian of me would it?

Yesterday I was sitting in the car with my husband coming back from spending a lot of money on vitamins for the various medical issues I have contracted over the years and I just sat there screaming in my head WILSON!!! you know from the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks. I was just screaming silently within my head because if I did it in real life that would look crazy and I'm no Brittany Spears ya'll!! And it felt great and I came home and started listening to music that empowers me and makes me feel like I have things handled. It felt good and sometimes I just fall in a hole and just want to sit there and not have any energy to dig myself out of it. I sit and smell the flowers and I stare up at the sky and pretend I'm looking at all the beautiful stars when I can't see through all the thick clouds in the sky. I'm living my life the way I want to but sometimes I avoid and sometimes I hide because it's better to be alone then to sit with someone pretending I have it all together when I don't.

I don't have life figured out and I'm okay with that and maybe my brain just needs to shut up once in awhile because life isn't perfect and I shouldn't expect life to be perfect. I'm the gal who avoids and distracts because that's what life made me into and I wish my brain gets this memo so I can get some good night sleep from now on. See I'm crying here "I Want Some Sleep", so take care, and I can only dream of peace on earth!!

We have Value!

I suffer quietly with anxiety attacks and I keep quiet because I feel awkward and indifferent and when I'm in social situations I feel like I just want to hide in the corner. Sometimes I force myself to say something, smile and force myself to open up of who I am. It's never easy. It's downright hard to express my most inner secrets because I’m a product of Bullying. I have been told I’m not worth it, I’m not responsible, I’m a dirty alcoholic Indian when I was 10, I was called the “N” word when I was 6, I was called brown cow when I was 14, I was called chocolate milk that’s sour and stinks and I can go on and on of the injustice I have suffered because of who I am. I lived it and I suffered and I don’t want other children to feel like I have throughout my life. I don’t want any child to feel ashamed of who they are. This isn’t a pity party. I just want people to know their actions really do affect people they tear down just to make themselves feel better.

It’s how our society justifies Bullies by putting up a YouTube video of said situation where the video gets a million hits and who does that really serve?, not the child who’s face is plastered all over the video being harassed, beat up and embarrassed knowing millions of people are watching them get humiliated over and over for the world to see. How is that fighting against bullying? We’re no better than the people doing the bullying by watching these videos of a child being exploited by a YouTube video.

The reason I'm opening up because I'm getting tired of children killing themselves for being who they are, or hearing about racial discrimination, and sexual harassment, being discriminated because you’re a female, discriminated because you’re male, transgendered, your sexual preference, religion, and non-religious people. I’m tired of hearing about a child going into a school and shooting people because they were treated like an outcast and they couldn’t take life with their peers any longer. How tragic these children who should have a life full of love are being tormented, and who are silently hurting and are praying to die. There are kids who secretly pray to die and that is horrifying to me. These kids should have soft places to fall and to know someone truly believes they are valuable then going through life thinking no one cares for them if they are here or not. That hurts my heart knowing we have children in our world who are hurting and would rather lash out and kill other kids because their hearts are broken.

I’m tired of people fighting because they are Republican, Democrat, Tea Party, the 99%, and the 53%, Independent, Rich or Poor. What’s the point? We all are not molded the same and science has proven we are all different. So why we feel we all should act and behave equally when we are not. We all have opinions, we all have different values and we all think we know what’s right for the whole body as a whole. How can we change the next generation when we don’t have good role models for our younger generation to look up too? How can they learn when the older generation is doing the same thing on media outlets and all over our Television sets but then turn around and we tell our youth it’s not okay to behave like that? It’s all for the greater good right? Having a double standard of how to treat people is not okay and it’s shouldn’t be considered that’s what people do.

I'm tired of being singled out because of the color of my skin and get a job because I’m considered a minority and a company is only filling their quota. I’m tired of people exploiting my gender because I'm female and the “what I can't do” because I'm female. I’m getting tired of not saying anything sooner because I believe I do have value and have a voice. I’m tired I’m part of the problem because I haven’t stepped up because I think someone else will do it. So I’m going to get off the comfort train and start saying something. I’m saying that we as a society need to change if we want the injustice of bullying to stop. It starts with us, the individual to be accountable for our actions so our generation can be an example to the next generation.

What I’m trying to say is I don’t want another child to suffer because our society won’t step up and stop bullying and neither should our humanity!!

Thanks for your time!!

I'm still here!!

Wow, it's been awhile like a few months I have written a blog post and time has gone in a flash. I've been in recovery from illness and in a few weeks I'll be posting my story during my the last few months. Life has been pretty interesting for me and I would rather not have to experience it again. It  all started because I got the flu at the end of March. Life through me a whole lot of lemon's and I slowly made myself some lemonade. I'm slowly back to my old life a little scarred up but I'm here and functional.

I got a whole lot to say right now. Right now, I'm dealing with a situation with a friend of mine and I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I wrote a blog entry along time ago about abortion. LINK HERE Yes, I had one and this friend of mine has a strong opinion about abortion. Let's just say he doesn't think highly of women who have had abortions. He doesn't know my story, my decision of why I had one and do I even tell them? I have forgiven myself and I know in God's eyes I have been forgiven because Jesus died for all our sins. Yours and mine. We are imperfect and we all make major mistakes we have guilt over.

I know how he feels about the subject and what makes matters worse is he baptized me on June 5th. Wrap that around your head. Would he have baptized me knowing I had an abortion? I'm part of his small group within the church. Will he accept me as a friend if he knew? I just know who I am but the question is; will our friendship change once I disclose my abortion to him?

I know it's his hang up. I know my life journey. I know I have lived with my decision as hard as it may have been. Whatever I end up doing I'm going to do what's best for me and what's best for my family.

Today my family had a picnic with his family and when he was spouting off his ignorance I left it at that; gave him a pass because he's a man who is imperfect with ignorance of a subject he has no clue on other than a judgemental opinion.

Take care, Peace!!

Just the Babysitter!!

The last couple of months have been a whirlwind with ups and downs. It's been a learning process and when I thought I was getting through my shyness of meeting new people I thought I met some new friends I could get to know from meeting at church but now I feel like I'm the new kid in school not knowing my place on the Totem pole.

It just turns out I'm just a good babysitter and a person that can help take care of the church kids. Nothing more, nothing less. It sucks especially when I over hear conversations of girls night out and I'm not invited. I guess I'm not the cool person who could also use a break from motherhood and could use some girl time too. It just sucks!!

That's life and I should just remember who my real friends are not a group of women from church who only see me as one head who can help in the Nursery taking care of their children. So I'll be the quiet shy person at church with a smile on my face pretending to care. I know that's not nice to say but being me sucks at times when I feel used for just being a nice person who agreed to take care of there children so I could get to know them better. I was wrong. Who needs new friends?

Reality!!

The joys and crappy part of motherhood. Oh my, in between screaming to my kids to stop screaming I'm cleaning up all the crumbs and spilled drinks after lunch I look around and my first thought is to run out of the house pulling at my hair of extreme proportions of what was I thinking of wanting to be a mother but then the calms comes and the house is quiet for a few minutes and I'm reminded of the joy it brings to my heart WHEN the kids are getting along and out of the blue I get I love you mommy.

On the days where I'm being referee between my kids neither one trying to poke the other one in the eye I have to remember they truly love each other. Okay, I can only dream my kids love each other. Sometimes the chaos can't be normal. Our dysfunction can't be normal and I'm just this crazy mother just getting through the day in one piece and hoping my kids won't end up writing a book about me when they get older of how I ruined their lives.

I still after almost 6 years of being a mother my house is still dirty and messy. I have been told I should just let it go because that's the way it is with children. You will never sleep again, you will get worry wrinkles and your house will never be clean again but it's all worth it. So it's worth it and sometimes I wonder if these other mothers are only kidding themselves because being glued to your table by sticky fingers isn't my idea of worth it or being puked on, or laying in an uncomfortable position when your child is sick is really worth it to be a mother. It's all the great life challenges that are worth it that brings joy to my child's face is worth it.

Standing out in the cold waiting for the school bus isn't worth the joy in motherhood but it's a joy when the bus comes and your child bounces off the bus running into your arms because they miss you is worth being a mother. Those are memories that keep me from running out the door because as much as my kids can be difficult, never listen to me or annoying the crap out of me they are still apart of me and their cuteness always reminds me of why I wanted to be a mother. Take care, Peace!!

So long 2010!!

Well it's the time of year to reflect on the old year past and look towards a New Year coming. My blues have gone. I'm not so emotionally unstable anymore. My relationship with God is a bumpy one at best but I'm slowing surrendering my control over to God but I'm not quite there yet. Maybe this year with be the year of salvation for me.

Well Christmas was wonderful and traumatic all wrapped up in one little package. My 3 year old son decided he wanted to go super fast while he was standing on a swivel computer chair which he fell off and bit threw his lower lip which we spent over 3 hours at the hospital getting him stitched up. The process of the experience was horrible watching your child screaming for the doctor to be done while he was strapped down on a board with needles being poked in his face, tubes pushed through his lip to clean out his wound. It was something I hope I never have to go through again. This happened in the evening so we still had a great morning and was able to visit the rest of the family. My poor boy was so tired after his stitches he curled up in his fathers arms and fell asleep.

Today of all days our son got his fingers caught in our bathroom door and got some skin ripped off his little fingers. He can't wait to start the New Year. The last week hasn't been nice to him.

All in all this year compared to years past wasn't so much on the shitty list. It's been a building year with my health getting better, the family going to church, getting more fellowship and the daughter starting Kindergarten, the son in his early intervention class and the hubby and I got to get away to our favorite spot Reno for a few days.  We are blessed and I'm wishing everyone a blessed 2011 and see you next year. Take care, Peace!!

The pain is too real!!

I'm on an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs lately and frankly I don't seem alarmed because I'm like this every year around this time. It could be lack of sun. The time of year just brings out the worst in me. I don't want drugs. I never want to put myself on prescription drugs again. If I have no choice like last week when I had a really bad sinus infection. I needed drugs for that. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind but then again I would be more concerned if I wasn't going through this.

I wasn't going to write about my struggles about dreaming about John but I feel like I should. I'm sure more people feel this way in the winter months then they want to share. I feel like if I don't talk about my struggles I can't be straight with myself. I know I got it easy. I know my life isn't that bad. I know I think I'm going crazy sometimes because thoughts have popped into my mind I wish they weren't there. My brain is on overdrive. I've been dreaming a lot about John lately. I know I said I wouldn't use names on my blog but you know what? I'm hoping if I just express to the universe I'm frustrated my thoughts will change.

My husband does come here to read  and at this point I really don't care. That's sad to me and it's not like I want to hurt him. It's not like I want him to know I've been having dreams of his friend who I had a small history with. This is who I am, broken with a past of self destruction and emotional sadness.

Today I was actually happy I have lost weight and I didn't fit into one of my favorite dresses. I was also not pleased because I think I can lose more weight. I need to work on this because it's alarming to think I could be falling into my pattern of my eating disorder. I try not to think about wanting to lose weight. I'm working on maintaining the size I'm at but I have to be honest I was actually happy I lost weight.

At this moment I weight 119lbs. My BMI is low to normal but I can fit into my size 4 jeans and in Canada that's a size 6 which is normal so I'm happy. Apart of me wishes I could be smaller. I just have to say it. I have to own my feelings. I have to knowledge my pain. I have to be honest with my thoughts. That's how I have to know what I need to work on. Having an eating disorder you need to be truthful with your thoughts because if you don't then life can be hard. I'm aware of my pain so now I'm talking about feeling happy I'm losing weight. It's out there now. I should be accountable for my actions.

It's not pretty seeing me self destruct this way. It's not pretty I wish harm on myself. It's not pretty!!  It's not right songs I love are being picked off one at a time being manipulated by bad dreams of self destruction. My safe haven is being tainted by self destruction and my downward spiral into darkness.

Sometimes I just want too fall into darkness. The pressure of living a clean life is hard. It's hard work and sometimes the work is not worth it. Sometimes I just want to just give in to living easy. I love this song hero. It meant something special to me. It was one song I could listen too and feel safe. Why does the most cherished songs have to be one of the songs of my fallen down a path of self pity and pain.

Please just let me be so I can heal and be saved. I want to be saved so I don't have to hurt anymore. Take care, Peace!!

When dreams smack you in the face!!

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I don't like that feeling like my dreams dictate my day. I was dreaming pretty good. I remember a lot of my dreams but sometimes they take a turn into reality I would rather not have to dream about certain things or someone. It bothers me and I would like to forget things in my life I'm not proud of doing. I would rather not remember and move on. Sometimes I'm not so lucky and my wonderful dreams take a turn and memories and situations come pouring out into my dreams and I wake up uneasy. I know they are just dreams but they still bother me. This morning I was dreaming about John and I just want him to get out of my head. I don't want to think about him when I'm awake or when I'm sleeping.

So this song Cheap Trick The Flame has been in my head all day. It's the song I had in my dream this morning and it was like a concert playing on continuous play that wouldn't stop.  Holy, please can this self destruction ever stop in my life. I can control my thoughts when I'm awake but in my dreams...come on now. It just sucks. I don't like when things I can't control affect my life and impacts my life in a negative way especially when John hasn't been apart of my life in 7 years.

I have moved on and maybe I shouldn't be so bothered by one stupid dream and maybe I have some guilt to deal with but it's like something I would rather not have to deal with and just forget it. I want to forget about it. I want to forget about him. I am happy or maybe I'm not but frankly I need too. It's been so long ago and it's in the past. Moving on!!

What really sucks about this situation I love Cheap Trick The Flame and now I just want it out of my head. Dreams suck....I'm so frustrated!! Take care, Peace!!

Those Crazy Days!!

It's my ..hum..cough..Birthday tomorrow and today a Tornado touched down in Oregon. My family doesn't live near where it hit but it freaked my kids out with the warning coming on during their TV time. We prepared and I got everything in the safest part of our house which is our half bath on our lower floor. I told the kids it's better to be prepared then not at all if something happens. We sat in the dark for about half an hour until my legs got tired of sitting so we turned to our normal lives.

I think I'll be sleeping with one of the kids tonight. I'm just saying!! Enjoy Nature and I think life is back to normal for now!!! Take care, Peace!!

The Dark side of Life!!

Disclaimer: Fowl language in this Post!!

I get it and I understand life can be hard. I've been in places in my life where it was painful to live. Each day wasn't any better then the next. I understand people love drama for themselves or watching, reading and participating in other peoples drama. It's in our nature and sometimes we enjoy it watching other people suffer and sometimes it makes us feel better knowing someone else is suffering just like yourself. Our society is deep rooted with drama, suffering and sometimes people just need it to have meaning whatever that may be for themselves. I had plenty of drama directly and indirectly in my lifetime and frankly I'm getting to the point I would prefer not to have as much. It's really exhausting.

When you are walking with suffering in your life it really is hard to see the world as happiness. You are angry the world is shitting on you. You see other people with joy and you just want them to fuck off, neither you are jealous of them or really you just want them to fuck off.

Sometimes it's just easier to hate the world and everyone in it then to fix your life. It's like you are so down on your life working to make things better is harder so living your life with discontent is what you're going to do. It's not like you deserve a better life and it's not like you deserve to be happy. It's like you're not worth anything better so why bother changing things. Life is a sack of shit so I'll accept it as my life and struggling with life is at least something.

It's a dark world and you never see the good stuff. You never see the opportunities surrounding your life or the people who love and care for you. All you think is they are just trying to get in your business being all righteous like they are perfect and they just don't understand you. You think they are telling you how to live your life and they don't know you. They don't know what you have been through and they sure as hell need to back off because it's your life and they really don't know how you are feeling. What do they know? They haven't gone through my struggles or my heart breaks so how can they help me besides being in my business. You really don't want to hear it neither it makes you fell like more shit or you hear some truth in what they are saying and it makes you feel like shit for seeing your life like shit. It's never a win, win!!

Of course, you don't want to hear it because of your self worth. When you don't give yourself much respect or credit no matter what anyone says you don't believe them because you don't like yourself all that much. Why would you like yourself? The world is against you and suffering just follows you everywhere you go and you never get a break on anything. It's always something which keeps bringing you down. You have the "got ya" moments to prove life is full of shit. You understand the saying "shit happens" because you are living it.

You feel alone because no one understands your pain. No one understands your circumstances and you have lost friends because obviously they don't care and it's there loss. They were bitches and who needs that righteousness anyway like their shit don't stink. I'm better off without them.

It really is a lonely life. Seeing the world like that is sad and the despair, the pain, the not feeling like you are loved, that no one understands me or can understand me is an empty shell of a life. I happened to live some of my life is this. I went through a period of my life full of rage, sorrow, frustration and anger. No one could hate me more than I hated myself. It's sad way of life. The hard part were the tears of not knowing what was next like it was bad enough you couldn't deal with life the way it is yet more things were piling up on your plate like "Come on....really?" Enough is enough yet you keep living it over and over and it's not like you don't want to have an easy life but getting their would be work. How can you deal with work when you got all this shit to do already?

It's not easy changing your life around and seeing the world differently. It took me years and at times the work was more difficult to deal with but you keep working at it. You keep moving forward with baby steps and when you fall you pick yourself up and you keep moving. You're going to get bruised and feel beaten but in the end it's all worth it. One day you will look back and hold those scars of your life with pride.

This is how I did it. Each time a problem came up as much as it hurt I dealt with the issue. I was straight up with the problem that was burdening my heart. I dug in deep and worked it out so I could let them go so when things got tough those issues wouldn't bother me anymore. Then I moved on to the next problem and worked each issue out until life started looking easier. I could see the light on the other side. Then dealing with my problems were getting much easier. You're going to have short comings and old problems will creep back into your life. You pat yourself on your back and you push through.

The more learning you do about yourself you realize how strong you really were for putting up with all your shitty baggage you were carrying around on your back. The lighter you become by working on your craziness you realize you don't want to carry that shit anymore. It was heavy..damn you it hurt. Then you realize you don't want to live like that anymore. You are strong and you realize how strong you are and it gives you strength to push through the chaos of your life.

When things become easier and you learn you really are worth it then you get hit by a ton of bricks called........ guilt!!! Oh my, my bricks of guilt consumed me down to my core being. How do you get out of that? For me I allowed myself to mourn my past life. I started building my foundation to be stronger and more resistance so when troubles came my way it was easier to deal with. My foundation didn't crumble to the ground every time I was hit with the shit part of life. You can never change the past but only live in the present and hope for the future. To move forward you ask for forgiveness and you give forgiveness and life is not easy but it can be exciting and joyful. The light feels warm and inviting. The dark is cold and depressing. You choose what you are willing to live with.

I prayed on this post to guide me on what I should say. It was not easy on me and at times hurt with sadness. I truly believe in love. I care for you and I understand the dark life and with help I want to hold your hand and be there. Someone out there cares for you even when life is lonely. I learned though my dark times you really can't do it on your own. So you will need to put your guard down and ask for support. Support has been there all along and you just need to reach out and embrace it.  Life is love and life is responsibility!! Take care, Peace!!

That's Life!!

Why I like to make my life difficult I don't know? I think deep down inside I love the challenge like my life isn't a challenge as it is. I need to make it twice as challenging. I need to make it as a hurdle and a huge hill and lets make it even more difficult by lets throw in there some sharp rocks to climb over. Okay, it's not that bad but sometimes life feels like that. Some days you want things to be easy.

Well my two kids and I got a good night sleep. It was needed from the night before when we didn't get any. I felt rested this morning and ready to get this party started.  I fed the kids, got them dressed and out the door in record time to get the daughter to school. Things were going great, no fighting, no struggle, we were working as a team. So much love going on. My kids made their mother proud...then.............. I made the silly mistake in using the stroller this morning because I thought I would be kind to my son. My son has some allergy/cold thing going on and even though he's a little old for the thing I made the decision to use it.  Big mistake...BIG!! But I did have good reasons!!

He is sick
He would have to walk in the cold
We could walk quicker with him in the stroller
It would be easier on him

But I didn't put into mind he's 35 lbs of 3 year old which I would have to push up some small tiny hill which this morning felt like a huge hill and me getting over my own sickness gave me more work then it was worth plus I don't know why they make those strollers so short like you have to be Igor bend over just to push the thing. Talk about sore arms and back...sheeesh!! At least, I got a good leg workout!!

I don't think I'll be using the stroller anymore. That was not what I had in mind this morning to make life easy. When I got home I thought I was going to faint. It's not like my daughters school is that far away. I'm tired. I wish I could sleep again but that's life!!! Life could be easy and I can live with easy. I really miss my husband right now. Take care, Peace!!

Indianprincess...this is me!!

Who are you? Well my real name is Darlene. I like writing about random things and most of the time I'm listening to some form of music. I am a wife to the most understanding and supportive husband and I'm a mother to two wonderful little kids age 5 and 3. I have lots of self anxieties which neither is a hindrance or a gift. I haven't made up my mind about that yet. I characterize myself as an awkward goof with a kind heart. I kinda get flighty when I feel like life is getting too structured for me yet I like to be laid back and that's another conflicting trait I possess.

My husband is my opposite which comes in handy when I'm all over the place when I'm stuck in my head. He brings me back to earth with my wacky doodle tenancies. I like sharing my life experiences and I'm not ashamed of what I have written on my blog. It's my life and what can I do?

Some people may think I'm just crazy and I'm fine with that. I'll take the job as the crazy person because someone has to take the job. I don't take myself serious as you can tell. I like to bring emotion to everything I do. I like to be reminded people are human and we all have feelings especially one's we want other people not to know about. I'm typically in your face about it. I may inspire someone or at least give someone a good laugh. I'm not picky with my writing and it is what it is!!

I seriously want a tattoo but I'm afraid of needles and putting myself through pain just to have a cute picture permanently sketched on my skin freaks me out. I don't care for pain. That's why I don't have one. I can still dream.

I've been a diabetic since I've been 17 years old. It sucks!! When my Doctor's bitch me out for not checking my blood sugars more often I just want to tell them to shove the lancet up their asses. Poking your finger hurts like hell.

I still have my demons I'm dealing with for example I have body image issues contributed by my eating disorder and on my good days I feel sexy and on my off days I feel like a frumpy old women. When I feel like a new change it's usually my hair that gets mangled first.

Feeling like you have no energy to function is hard. Going through this time was hard and frustrating and so exhausting I really don't know how I managed. It amazes me how my family managed through the worst of my health problems and we may be a little off and dysfunctional but we're here and that's all that matters.

I'm a work in progress and I change everyday tweaking myself here and there. I try to stay positive and I'm trying to getting my dysfunction out of my life. I know it's part of who I am so maybe the correct thing to say is I'm working on my dysfunction so I don't let it run my life into the ground. One step at a time!! We all need a hero in our lives and mine is the world!!

This is who I am!! You like me or you don't. No love lost!! Thank you for stumbling upon my craziness!! Take care, Peace!!

Livin' on the Edge!!

Life's not that bad for me now but sometimes I just have to breath so I can step back to see the true picture of my life. I have moments in my life where I just want to scream on the top of my lungs, hit the floor and say not today. Sometimes I just have no reason of why I feel like doing that and sometimes I feel overwhelmed and need a break and it's my way of putting life into prospective. I have it good. I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones who has made it from darkness into the light. Sometimes I just need a kick in the pants to show me I don't need to live in my head anymore. My crazy mind doesn't need for me to suffer anymore.

I look at my beautiful kids and I'm happy and my relationship with my hubby is the best. My family has a great life, and we are secure and we have each other. I'm truly blessed to have a wonderful support system with my extended family and friends. I have to remember I made this life for me. I worked hard so I can give my children a good home. I work and I'm mindful not to take my marriage for granted.

Sometimes my old ways comes through in times when I'm self conscience and then my awkward control issues which gives me anxiety. I'm working on this. I don't like this about my personality but it's something I work really hard to control :)  Control...ha ha!! I'm working on my control over my control issues. That's kinda funny!!

Sometimes I feel like I am living on the edge of good and evil. It's a struggle at times because I know what I want and I know what I want for my family but sometimes when I feel like I'm at my more vulnerable state of mind I feel like doing something really stupid. Seriously I can get stupid!! Say No to Stupid!!

Lately I feel insecure about aging. Maybe this is my mid-life crisis. I feel old and I feel like I look old and for people who know me knows I don't look old but I do feel old. I know it's a mindset but still. I feel like bitching!!

I get paranoid when I think this like my eating disorder is playing tricks on me like I know I will never be completely healed but in recovery so it freaks me out like I'm going to go down that path again. Then I get freaked out like maybe people will think I still have my eating disorder. I go places in my brain which is dangerous for my well being. I freak out and I over think to much. I stew over the stupidest stuff sometimes. My weight is an issue for me and it will always be an issue. I understand this and I know this but man, sometimes I wish it wasn't. I wish I didn't have a though in my mind that I should fit in a size two jeans then a size four jeans I fit into now. Then I feel guilty for thinking I should fit into a size two jeans and I should be happy at the weight and size that I am now and then I feel guilty for feeling guilty. Oh my, it's a never ending cycle of crazy until something happens that I realize what I'm doing is just plain whack a doodle.

How I deal with things like this is I start stressing over things I can't control. I know that's not a good thing where my head goes. Then it turns into down right freak out over things I can control like my house. I get bothered over the out of control my house seems. I like everything being in a place. I don't like clutter. I despise clutter so when I have three people in my house who are the opposite of me it's kinda hard for me to deal at times because I look around my space I call my home and things are piled up here and there. My hubby has his organized mess and my children have their toys everywhere. I get stressed my house stinks. Yes, I worry about my house stinking. It's overwhelms me. It drives my brain to the point of no return.  I'm a work in progress and trust me I'm not crazy like this all the time I swear. :)

Then I worry I'm sending out bad vibes like a certain someone will come back into my life and just mess everything all up for me because frankly, I don't know what I'll do in regards to this person. I say I can make great decisions but unless I'm tested by the Universe I won't know if I'll make the right choices. No bad vibes please!!

Then I have to remember the most important things to life. Does it really matter I have dishes in the sink for a day? Does it matter I didn't finish the vacuuming in one day? I fret over the small stuff and I'm learning to let go of some of my worries. Just let it go. Fly free worries and anxieties. Fly Free!! Life is truly a blessing. Take care, Peace!!

who needs sleep!!

I don't think I have gotten it in my head I shouldn't be going to bed at 2am in the morning. I still need huge amounts of sleep so when my hubby and I stay up talking until the wee hours of the night my body screams at me. I should learn this by now.

The world as we know it is changing. Change is good but not the kind of change we are facing. I don't want to be a fear monger because it goes against the grain of my being. I'm kinda worried and not for me but for my children. I try to be informed of what is going on around my existence of life. Where do I fit in the large scheme of things? How do I adjust to these changes?

Lately my hubby and I have been talking..ha ha. Some people would think that's good. We're partners in life and communicating is a good thing. He's my rock and I tend to freak out sometimes like when I went through my panic of Natural Disasters and not being prepared. He calmed me down and we made an emergency kit.

Last night I was like if the economy gets bad and Obama is moving towards a Socialist Country of dependence on the Government we will have to move to Canada. Then he reminds me Canada's no better. Canada taxes it's Citizens to death also for their own Social Programs. So moving to Canada wouldn't be any better. So if the USA isn't the world safe haven anymore then where are people supposed to go?

My hubby and I have great discussions because we both bring something new to the table. We don't argue and he tells me things I need to think about and for him also. I just wish we had these discussions at a reasonable hour. I wonder how far the American People will put up with the Government. Will this Country have another American Revolution against it's own Government? Will we have another civil war? I think I'm going a little over board in my thought process but it's kinda based on how the Government just passed a Health care Reform bill without knowing what's in the thing is kinda scary to me. I have concerns and should have concerns. I can't have a blind eye to some of this stuff.

So what can we do? At home, we're cutting back the spending. We're paying off our debt. Going back to basics. Doing some of these things my family can prepare for the worst and if nothing happens then we're better off financially. On the outside world we vote, we vote for Government officials who we believe will do it's job and listen to the people. We make them accountable to do the right thing for this Country. We can turn this Country to be great again. We just have to vote out the cancer in our Government. The cancer that feeds the need for the wrong power. I'm sorry but when the Government isn't afraid of the people then you have lost the war.

How dare the US Government think they know what's best for me. They don't know jack shit about my needs and hell, they don't know what's best for me. I don't need to be dependant on anyone but myself. If I want to eat a greasy hamburger then it's my choice. Is it smart? no, but it's my choice too. I don't need the Government telling me that I can't eat the greasy hamburger because it's bad for me.

Okay, so I have concerns. I have concerns of where this Country is headed. I can bitch for along time about this but I do have a life and children to raise so for another day. Take care, Peace

Alcoholism!!!

It took me to stop drinking alcohol by fracturing my left arm tripping over a bench. That's right, I broke my arm tripping over a bench. That's me!! I was at my husbands work holiday function in January 2003 and had a few drinks and went outside to have a smoke. I didn't see the bench until it was too late with me lying on the cold ground. I was embarrassed and ashamed because I try to keep myself self composed out in public especially when it came to my husbands work related functions. I don't really want to be known as that girl. You know who I'm talking about. That one person who drinks a little too much at parties and makes a complete ass out of themselves well for me I was that girl for that night but at least, there were only a few people outside when I did it but still I humiliated myself. So I quit drinking. I decided in my heart I really can't just have one drink. I wish I could have one drink like a normal person. I didn't need an intervention or a 12 step program to stop drinking. I just made the hard decision to not have that one drink. For me that one drink leads to another and another until I become drunk. Like I used to say "I'm not drunk, I'm just buzzin'". For me it was an excuse thinking I could handle just having one more. When I quit drinking I thought it would hard to be around other people who were drinking but really it didn't bother me. I was an adult and new just because I CHOOSE to not drink doesn't mean they couldn't. I came to realize living dry as I put it made me look closer to my inner self. I really didn't like myself when I drank. I've done things which broke my own inner heart and for along time it ate me up inside. I couldn't forgive myself for what I did when I drank. I love the social part of drinking, going to bars, hanging with my friends and having a good time but it always got overshadowed by the stupid shit I used to do after I was drunk. For me, I was never the serial free love kind of girl or didn't want to be. I just didn't want to give myself to any guy who gave me the slightest attention but you know what? I was that girl who just gave it up when I was over the limit of alcohol and my guard was down, my morals and values were out the door to the point of no return. That's what alcohol did to me. My moral compass got shot after I had too many drinks and I had fun without no consequences. It was what it was. Stupid!!! I also became a serial cheater on my hubby when we weren't married yet. I justified cheating on I was lonely and our relationship was long distance but really I didn't have proper judgement when I was drinking. Nope, no good judgment. I'm not a serial cheater in my heart but I became one. I became someone I didn't want to be. Why would I cheat on someone I loved who I wanted to be with? I don't have the answer because it got clouded by alcohol. If I wasn't an alcoholic back then I wouldn't have cheated and that's fact. I never slept with someone when I was sober and the relationship I had with my husband's best friend wasn't a sexual relationship and yes, I cheated emotionally and sometimes some people find that harder to forgive then just cheating by one night stands of pure lustful sex. Cheating is cheating when you're not fully with your significant other and like I said, my husband forgave me for that. Some of the guys I don't regret sleeping with. Some of them were friends like you would call with benefits, the booty call kind of way. I cared for some of them and it was what it was. Now, most of them I could just forget about. I could pass this time in my life where I was just experimenting but I was in a relationship and it doesn't make it right. I really had two major relationships in my life. The first one I was in for 7.5 years which didn't work out because of abuse and it wasn't that great and my relationship with my hubby. I love my hubby and I'm glad he never gave up on me even when I told him the truth. For me to get better I had to let him know what happened. I couldn't go on being with him based on a lie. I could never heal my heart and be the better person who I believed I wanted to be if I didn't tell him of the cheating. For me, I couldn't be with him knowing I had this secret. A secret of infidelity he should know about before we got married. It took time and I worked my butt off to make him understand I loved him and wanted to be with only him. That's why I believe in my marriage vows so much and I truly believe them and it's why I'm still embarrassed of the things I did when I was drunk. I will never cheat on him. I couldn't, and wouldn't put myself in a situation where their is temptation to do so. That part of my life is over and I understand the ramifications of the consequences of the affects of cheating. I don't ever want to re-live that part of my life again. Now I'm slowly healing my heart, healing that part of my soul I destroyed by drinking. I went into a depression after I came to realize I don't want that life. Why would I allow myself to self destruct like that? Lots of factors on self destruction but one thing I could change was to stop drinking. I had the choice to at least, do that! I really don't want to be that person. Drinking for me only leads to unwanted drama neither I was causing it or someone else. It's really not worth it. Now yes, I have had alcohol since then but it's been more in a controlled environment. My hubby and I drink wine at night together but not in access to the point I can't function. I'm also not drinking to hide and run away from my inner demons anymore. I still believe I'm an alcoholic but at least I know I have a limit and I'm aware I just can't have that one drink!! Take care, Peace!!

Life's challenges!!

Great, I woke up to an email this morning and wow, talk about slap in the face. I'm hurt, angry and a little indifferent. I understand people have stress, divorces, separations in there lives. It's major adjustments for families to figure out let alone deal with family members, relationships, who to allow in your life and who to just say goodbye too. Of course, making those decisions you want what's best for you but sometimes you're hurting people in the process who don't need to be hurt. So I get this email and my first thought was to write back but then I didn't want to write back when I was hurting because I just can't control my mouth and I would have said stuff I just should keep to myself. Then I became angry to fuck you!! So in a few weeks there is a birthday party for a cousin and right now I'm conflicted if I want to go. She didn't do anything wrong it's her mothers. It doesn't make sense and maybe it's not supposed to make sense but why do I want to hang out with these people after that? I really don't. I just want to cut my ties and move on. Who needs this drama? and it's not like we see them on a regular basis. Then I realize it's family. I married into this family and I should be supportive. Kids are innocent and just because an adult person wants to be selfish and drag drama into the mix it's not fair to the kids. They are cousins and my kids should go to the party to celebrate a birthday. It's going to be so uncomfortable!! Take care, Peace!!