It's a New Year!

Wow, Plenty of good and crappy and just all up anxiety has happened within the New Year. First off, I spent New YearsEve cramped in the house because our Car decided to stop working December 30, 2012. My family only has one Car because our tax paying Budget only covers for one Car and not two so we couldn't go anywhere. I was bummed so I made the family watch the Sound of Music and I loved it and we forgot to ring in the New Year when that time came around. It was past 1 am when the movie got over and my two little children stayed up way to late so we put them to bed and that's about it. Nothing Earth shattering or special other than spending it with my family happened.

New Years Day we decided to take the Bus to see a Movie with the kids. We promised them a Movie over their Christmas Break but instead of taking the Bus we walked instead and it wasn't too far of a walk and we all loved it. We watched the Rise of the Guardian and we all loved it. After the Movie we decided it wasn't too far and we walked to Target and then Barnes and Noble because my daughter got herself a gift card for Christmas and wanted to pick up her New Book from her Wolf book series she's reading. Then for Dinner we walked to Five Guys. Over all it was a really great day and one to remember.

The following day I drank the last of my Diet Rockstars and Diet Pepsi so off to the store we walked. It was a beautiful day, the sun was out and the family was doing good and when we got to the store we took a break and decided to have a snack. That's when the Hubs got the call about our Car. It would cost $2300 to fix the car. I was heartbroken because we were planning on paying off our son's Kindergarten Tuition with that money. We saved it, we didn't spend it and here that money had to be used to fix the car. We need a Car yet at the same time I felt defected like you have a plan and everything is going good and you hit a wall. So we're back to paying each month but still we could have used that monthly expense for something on our list to pay off. It's just a shitty situation all around.

Last Friday January 4th I decided to write an email to my Pastor explaining why I was leaving the Church. It was a heart felt email and explained how I felt and why I felt it and at first, I wasn't going to send it but decided I had to stick up for myself. I'm tired of so called Christian's say they are for Love but keep pointing out sins especially my sin. How am I to heal? with the healing I need to do is about my Abortion, heal that part why I chose the Abortion and deal with the healing of my rape. I can't do that when I'm with several Christian's who say they care about me but then turn around and post hurtful things on Facebook about Abortion. I lost it and I'm hurt so I decided without telling my husband I was leaving the Church.

That was my Stand so after I sent it I had two emails in my inbox, both from my Pastor. First one was my Recommendation Letter I have been waiting 2 months for and our weekly Church News Letter which it read to pray so bitterness doesn't breed hatefulness. Lets just say I felt like the biggest Ass and it just shattered my whole being. I kept myself busy and Sunday rolled around, the Car was fixed and all my Laundry was done and put away, I rearranged my Closet, I went shopping and I spent time with both kids on their various video games and I kept busy because I was afraid if I sat still my mind would wander so Sunday morning I got up, got the kids ready for Church and said goodbye to them and watched them drive away and I sat down and cried and I cried for a good long time. I slept some the night before but mostly I stayed up with the Hubs and talked. I explained why I wrote the letter, I explained my feelings and he seemed to understand and told me I should make some time to sit down with the Pastor to talk about it. I almost had an anxiety attack. So while set up was going on, my hubs and I were texting each other back and forth. He told me he talked to the Pastor and that he read my email and he wanted to talk to me about it. My hubs put in a prayer request for the Church to pray for me and he told me the prayer was really nice by the Pastor which made my heart hurt even more. I have never felt so alone and defected before because this time hurt, this time somewhere deep within my soul needs to be sitting in the pew (okay Movie Theater..aka Church meets in a Theater) on Sunday Morning, serving with kids, being togetherness with Believers in Christ. So when I decided to walk away it crushed apart of me.

Is this where my walk in my Journey I call my life going? Am I just being Human and doing it alone because that's my sin nature or Am I being lead away from the Church because Jesus has other plans for me. I know know and My mind is frazzled and confused and torn. I've been praying, I've been seeking him through worship. I'm singing like crazy and it's driving me a little out of sorts. I guess I want answers right now so I can know what to do. Where am I going? Am I just being a tool and should go back to Church and it's like my Life is in wait mode and I don't like it. Should I go or should I stay? So many questions and zero answers!

My heart is hurting, my soul is crying out and I just want some peace. My mind is all over the place. I kept checking my email every 5 seconds yesterday just hoping but my Pastor is in Southern California on some Pastor Conference/retreat/business and I feel all alone. I also had my yearly Doctor appointments. I guess they changed the guidelines for Diabetes Control which makes my numbers why out of control. I'm being sent to a team of Diabetic Specialists to rein in my control and go back on Insulin. I didn't fight it this time around. I'll take those stupid needles and I'll go to their stupid classes and support groups. I don't want to lose my Kidney's, or eye sight and my Doctor thinks my Chronic Pain is due to my Diabetes and someday the medication I'm taking will not help with that. I don't want that to happen so I'm listening now.

So Here I am on Tuesday January 8th with my heart broken, lonely, feel misunderstood, feeling out of control, and wondering if life will be different this year. I sent in my application for a Volunteer Position to help give awareness for Human Trafficking. My mind is a little nutty and hopefully once I get some time to sit with my Pastor to hash out that needs to be hashed out and I don't run in the opposite direction, life should hopefully settle out again....I pray for peace and I may just get it in the form of a CD today. Chris Tomlin's BurningLight CD is out today and I'm going to go get it later. I'm also going to his Concert in April. I have lots of good things coming down the road. I just hope I get there. Take care, Peace!