When life goes crazy.... for real!

This past February had been one crazy month for me and my family. Earlier in the month I overdosed on Benedryl and a lot of it. In my crazy spun up mind I was so tired of hurting, so tired of all the crap going on in my mind. The hurt, the loss of trust, the loss of my personal being and I just wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to lay down and die. It was a very traumatic time for me. The week before my Pastor stepped down and then various situations piled onto it.  Then here was Tuesday night, the kids were in bed, the Husband at a meeting and I was alone. I did what I could in the idea of what I needed at the time. I never felt so crushed, burnt and destroyed in my life. My heart didn't know how to handle all the million a mile thoughts whirling around in my mind. My head hurt and my heart hurt and the taunting, the told you so's, the blunt blow to my heart of all the thoughts pounding through me destroying me one at a time. I felt this was what killed me because I had nothing left to give. This was what smashed my life out and I felt like this was better to end then to keep living like I was being punished just because I existed.

When the medicine wasn't doing what I wanted it to do I texted my Husband. After that I came in and out of consciousness and I kind of remember some of what was going on. I remember waking up in the emergency room and them telling me they were admitting me under suicide watch. My Husband called 911 when he got home. The next morning I felt really defeated and apart of me was upset I didn't die. I didn't want to be brave and deal with my life. I felt like it was a struggle to just survive my life and I didn't want to keep doing it anymore. I talked to the Social Worker at the Hospital and I agreed to taking an Outpatient Program. So the following day I had my assessment and Friday the 8th I started my 15 day program.

I felt relief when I was diagnosed with PTSD and didn't need to take medication. The post traumatic stress disorder was triggered by situations stemming by my Pastor stepping down. I think that really gave me some hope and I decided to put the effort into my program.

I know my family didn't ask for this and I know it was hard on my kids because our schedule changed and it was hard juggling homework and it was a hard 3 weeks. I'm proud of myself for finishing the program. I start therapy in a month and I will join a group therapy in a few weeks too. I'm in a good place. It's been hard and I found my smile and hopefully over time I can heal this part that got trampled on during this hardship in my life.

I felt like I was thrown back into darkness and apart of me felt I deserved to be there, My downfall was quick and painful. I still remember the heaviness on my chest. I hope to never be there again. I hope what I learned from my training will help me in future situations.

I was in my darkest moment in my life and I hope someday I can look back and realize why I went there but until then I'll keep walking with one foot forward one at a time. Take care, Peace!!!!

When the ship goes down!

I have a friend who in my heart is a good person who loves everyone like Jesus loves this world but he has his sins like everyone else does. You may think so what? what's the big deal? Well when you belong to a Church and have a leadership roll (and I don't quite get it)  and when you have sinned like this you end up having to step down from your leadership roll. It rocked my little church family and it has rocked me. I love this guy cause he's good and I'm not angry and my heart hurts for him and his family.

I'm not taking the news well. My world got shattered once more but you know God's going to lift me up and lift my friend up and he's going to get through this season and even though our lives crossed journey's in the end it will be all for God's Glory. I believe this and when I'm healing my heart and I step up in faith I'm doing what God's calling me to do and I'm going to forge through with giving awareness to minor sex trafficking. I'm not going to let this circumstance stop me from doing what's best.

He is forgiven in my eyes. He's not to walk in shame. He'll get the help he needs and his family will overcome this. I knew something was off this past weekend and their absence from Service this past Sunday made me reach out to his wife. I'm not going to let the enemy win.

I know why our life journey's crossed paths because his journey and mine will help me heal me and help him heal him. I will support him and maybe someday he will know I don't see him differently then the loving person he is.

When you're in the line of work as I'm going into as being an Advocate for Sex Trafficking and you have a friend who let the enemy destroy  in his weakness I can see why he would be worried how I would handle the news. I let him into my world, telling him my secrets, my pain, my distrust with men and I know it hurts deeply like the stabbing in my heart. I know that's not him. He's good and I'm not going to let Satan bring him down.

I just want what's best for my friend. I support him and his family even if I never see him again. He has a friend in me.  Take care, Peace!

We have Value!

I suffer quietly with anxiety attacks and I keep quiet because I feel awkward and indifferent and when I'm in social situations I feel like I just want to hide in the corner. Sometimes I force myself to say something, smile and force myself to open up of who I am. It's never easy. It's downright hard to express my most inner secrets because I’m a product of Bullying. I have been told I’m not worth it, I’m not responsible, I’m a dirty alcoholic Indian when I was 10, I was called the “N” word when I was 6, I was called brown cow when I was 14, I was called chocolate milk that’s sour and stinks and I can go on and on of the injustice I have suffered because of who I am. I lived it and I suffered and I don’t want other children to feel like I have throughout my life. I don’t want any child to feel ashamed of who they are. This isn’t a pity party. I just want people to know their actions really do affect people they tear down just to make themselves feel better.

It’s how our society justifies Bullies by putting up a YouTube video of said situation where the video gets a million hits and who does that really serve?, not the child who’s face is plastered all over the video being harassed, beat up and embarrassed knowing millions of people are watching them get humiliated over and over for the world to see. How is that fighting against bullying? We’re no better than the people doing the bullying by watching these videos of a child being exploited by a YouTube video.

The reason I'm opening up because I'm getting tired of children killing themselves for being who they are, or hearing about racial discrimination, and sexual harassment, being discriminated because you’re a female, discriminated because you’re male, transgendered, your sexual preference, religion, and non-religious people. I’m tired of hearing about a child going into a school and shooting people because they were treated like an outcast and they couldn’t take life with their peers any longer. How tragic these children who should have a life full of love are being tormented, and who are silently hurting and are praying to die. There are kids who secretly pray to die and that is horrifying to me. These kids should have soft places to fall and to know someone truly believes they are valuable then going through life thinking no one cares for them if they are here or not. That hurts my heart knowing we have children in our world who are hurting and would rather lash out and kill other kids because their hearts are broken.

I’m tired of people fighting because they are Republican, Democrat, Tea Party, the 99%, and the 53%, Independent, Rich or Poor. What’s the point? We all are not molded the same and science has proven we are all different. So why we feel we all should act and behave equally when we are not. We all have opinions, we all have different values and we all think we know what’s right for the whole body as a whole. How can we change the next generation when we don’t have good role models for our younger generation to look up too? How can they learn when the older generation is doing the same thing on media outlets and all over our Television sets but then turn around and we tell our youth it’s not okay to behave like that? It’s all for the greater good right? Having a double standard of how to treat people is not okay and it’s shouldn’t be considered that’s what people do.

I'm tired of being singled out because of the color of my skin and get a job because I’m considered a minority and a company is only filling their quota. I’m tired of people exploiting my gender because I'm female and the “what I can't do” because I'm female. I’m getting tired of not saying anything sooner because I believe I do have value and have a voice. I’m tired I’m part of the problem because I haven’t stepped up because I think someone else will do it. So I’m going to get off the comfort train and start saying something. I’m saying that we as a society need to change if we want the injustice of bullying to stop. It starts with us, the individual to be accountable for our actions so our generation can be an example to the next generation.

What I’m trying to say is I don’t want another child to suffer because our society won’t step up and stop bullying and neither should our humanity!!

Thanks for your time!!

Inspire because it's just right!!

I had to write something because the last post was dark and emotional. I have to start this weekend with a kind post with love and I want to touch someone tonight on this wonderful Friday night. I'm listening to some beautiful touching music and I'm excited for life. I'm excited for some good times coming not meaning in material things but inspiration to truly believe we can be wonderful and great people who are strong, beautiful and who are kind people who truly care of what this country, it's world, it's people are capable of doing extraordinary work.

Unless you are greedy or evil we all want the best. We believe in loving oneself and each other. We want to help as much as we are capable of doing. No one wants suffering but we are the world, we can make things happen. Who really needs a Government telling you , you can't be loving, you can't be giving and you are not capable of wanting to help their fellow man, woman, child etc? We just go out and do it because it's our duty in humanity to not allow someone to fall.

I know its the persons choice to fall but it doesn't mean you can't tell them you care. It doesn't mean you can't show them love and understanding. You may be there voice because they don't have one. Who knows but it doesn't help when we don't do anything. At the moment this is my voice.... this small little blog.

Lets inspire the good in people. Lets give people who are lost the chance to see this world the way it's meant to be. We are all blessed to walk this earth. We are here for a reason and whatever that maybe we need to use our weakness, our strength and show compassion to people who feel unworthy. Lift them up to see the good in this world one person at a time. Life is truly great!! Take care, Peace!

Change is Good or is it?

It's 9 in the morning and I'm having popcorn with my son. We're sitting here enjoying Dora the Explorer and having a bowl of salty buttery popcorn. It's quite satisfying. This is a good change. I can enjoy this.

Since my daughter started her school career I've been lagging behind in my own life endeavors. I have so much I want to do but it seems like the weeks are just flying by. My weekends are busy busy and I'm not complaining about that but I do need to just relax and maybe I should schedule it in between nap time and homework.

I'm not completely healthy so balancing my time and making sure I don't have a burn out is like juggling. It's a process and lately I'm not so good at it. I'm figuring out what works best for me. I'm not getting much sleep because I'm spreading my time between my family members which it doesn't give me enough time to get the allotted sleep I need to make it through my day. I know, and I need to figure this out before I land my butt in the ER again.

Which I'm in a panic now because as much as I'm working on my schedule to balance out my life so I don't neglect my own needs....... I'm coming down with a cold!!! I can handle a cold and that's taking medication and having the excuse to complain but my husband is going on another Business trip and he'll be gone for a week this time...leaves Sunday. I know I can get help taking care of the kids from my mother in law but still. I don't need to get sick like this. It's like okay, I'm going to get sick but the timing is a little off. Why couldn't I catch a cold after he gets back?

This is change I don't like. Change of rearranging my schedule to fit my lack of ability. I have a problem giving up a little of my power to control my own independence. It's like a fear of forgetting how to take care of ones self because you're so used to leaning and depending another person to survive.  It's been a few years where I had to lean onto my husband for support with the kids, the home, the medical difficulties, and my own pressures of giving up control. Now I'm feeling a little like I'm a failure. Yes, I go there. This is my moment of weakness.......

Honestly, I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can handle and what I can't. I know my own inner demons and I have choices.  I can choose to wallow in my own self pity or I will survive like I have always done. I will make an honest effort to weather the storm that comes my way. This cold of mine is nothing. I have to remember in the last 4 years of my hardest times where it was difficult to get the energy to feed my children. This is nothing compared to finding the strength to make it through the day afraid of passing out, afraid I wouldn't be here for my kids, my husband and not knowing why my system was failing me. So getting a cold is nothing compared to my most trying times. This is change I can live with. Knowing I made it through those days of not having the energy to survive and I did. I managed and I did it so I know I can manage to rearrange my life to get through this bump in the road.  This is nothing!! Take care, Peace!!

I'm a Work in Progress!!

I haven't gotten this far in my enlightenment by myself. I have surrounded myself by good people in my life. We can be selfish in what we want for ourselves but we also need to have good support from the people around us. You as an individual need to help yourself and have a strong moral foundation before you can start helping others.

I have picked my own broken self off the ground may of times in my lifetime. Sometimes I didn't know if I could pick myself back up. It was a struggle. It was pure uncontrollable pain of self despair. I don't know how many times I had to convince myself to keep moving forward. I found hope in my heart even though I didn't believe it. Somewhere deep down in my soul I got the strength to keep going. To keep the hope within my life I had to fight my self doubt I could be happy someday. Someday I can be happy. Someday my dreams can come true. Someday I will understand what love feels like. It was something I held onto even if I was afraid to trust it.

There are many good people in this world. I know it's hard trusting in yourself let alone trust in other people when you're in a state like that. Feeling damaged and changing your situation is the hardest thing you can do. I know I fought changing and giving up some of the control a very hard thing to do. It took me years to finally realize I had to change my outlook in life. I had to start trusting people who truly wanted to support me on my emotional healing. It was hard and it took me along time to just give trust a try.

Now I understand I have gotten to a place in my life where I can look back and learn from it. I learned no matter how hard you try to carry on with life it's hard work. You work on your life. If things are not the way you want them so go change it. I will keep working on my life. I will try and make good judgements and decisions to better my emotional self. If I make a mistake then I'll pick myself back up and start over again. I will learn and make things better. You do what you have to do with what you have at the time. Sometimes it's not going to be easy but knowing you are working towards a healing soul then it's all worth it in the end you made progress to achieve happiness.

I was lifted up by the people I surround myself with. I lean when I need to and I express my feelings when life gets hard. I ask for help and I ask for people to listen. I read books and get inspirational advice and to keep me moving forward. I don't know about you, struggling with life is exhausting, tiring and energy draining. I don't want that. I just know I learned about what I want in life. I learned what makes me happy and I also learned who I want to become. I learned to get to know..me!!

Getting to know who you are will give you a better understanding of what you emotionally need and want. It's a progress and sometimes I just didn't want to work on the effort because it's sometimes hard looking into yourself and see all the mess within you. My inner soul was ugly and I had a hard road a head of me but slowly I worked on myself. When it got difficult to face I gave myself a break and worked on other things and then came back to the most difficult situations I couldn't get passed. Slowly over time things didn't hurt as much, things started to look better. Learning to just let go was hard for me. It's hard when that's the only thing you know how to survive but I saw what I could have and it give me a better understanding I can do this. The pain of healing is a lot better than the pain from self destruction. You slowly learn to love yourself and when you do you realize life starts awaking for you like watching a flower bloom. It's beautiful.

It's the best peaceful and emotional part of wanting a better life. It's like looking at the world with different new eyes and coming out of the dark is amazing. It's like going outside and feeling the sun on your face for the first time and breathing the fresh air. How refreshing it feels. You walk with confidence knowing you can conquer anything you put your mind to. That's life and a pure blessing!! Take care, Peace!!

Work Hard and you will Achieve!!

Yesterdays entry I said "I'm on a quest and journey I never thought I would be going on." I've been doing a lot of soul searching wanting to get the best out of my life as I can. I don't think it would have happened 10 years ago or even last year for that matter. It's a time in my life I'm finally realizing I have a purpose and a gift to share with the rest of the world.

We have experiences in our lives which change who we become. We experience choices and make decisions which can effect our outcome. I truly believe things happen for a reason. I'm coming self aware of this process. Things have fallen into place like it's just freaking me out at times. I shouldn't be freaked out about finding my life could be set in stone way before I was born. I don't know and I've been on this new quest to find out. It intrigues me and I'm curious to know what my journey holds.

Things that have taken place in my lifetime and all the good and the bad choices I have made lead me down this path. I experienced things I wish I had never experienced yet at the same time those things have shaped who I became. I'm not proud of my life choices which caused me pain but if I didn't experience and went though them I don't think I would appreciate my life right now.

I remember back in my most darkest times. I've talked about it before on my blog of self destruction and my feelings about it with my eating disorder, when I was raped, my childhood abuse, in my first abusive relationship in my late teens. I have touched a little about that time. I would like to share more. It was a difficult time for me and I struggled with that period in my life until I started looking at the bigger picture of my life.

It's the feeling like you're a victim. I was a victim of life of my own doing. I choose not to be a victim. When you allow yourself to be in a state of personal despair and allow yourself to crumble at every corner of your life when tough decisions need to be made because you can't deal I call that being a victim. Yes, I allowed myself to be the victim because it was easier to cry as a victim then face the hard truth of my surroundings.

Being a child of abuse you don't really realize you have choices because they were chosen for you and you do the best you can do to survive to live through it. I have done unspeakable things to survive. I would share them and my experiences with you but for the safety of my family and my sisters I will not disclose them to you. The reason I won't disclose this part of my life because I'm not here to punish anyone and I'm not here to cause any more pain. I want to express the hope everyone can over come darkness.  I will talk about the emotional aspect of what I went through to share and let people understand being a victim only furthers your own personal pain and as long as you don't forgive and allow yourself to move forward you will never heal your own heart.

I never wish pain and destruction on anyone. I would hope my children's journey will never have to deal with what I went through as a child, teenager and when I was in young adulthood. Some of the things I have witnessed and experienced to me were horrible and outright evil. That is something I would rather share that no matter what life throws at you, you have choices to deal with and be healed.

I think for 4 straight years I cried myself to sleep when I was in my teenage years. I was in so much pain it was hard to breath. I didn't want the day to end because the next day would be another day of hell. It was the feeling like my life was slowly being squeezed out of me and I didn't know when the day would come when I didn't know if I could take that one small step to move forward. It was crushing and devastating to know that I felt like no one was listening. I was living in an empty shell of my own existence. You feel so alone like no one can truly understand your thoughts and feelings like the old saying goes "shit happens". Shit does happen but it doesn't mean we can take it as it is. We can take that shit and throw it away.

My journey so far has been a process of up and downs. Right now, I'm self aware of my life choices. I have seen miracles in my life, I have surrounded myself with wonderful good hearted people and I have forgiven the people who have done the greatest harm to my being. There were reasons I went through those tough years. I didn't understand while I was going through it at the time because I was too broken to see the reasons why I needed to live through it. Sometimes when you're in a dark place it's hard to see that life is beautiful because everything in your being is diseased with only the hardship of your surroundings.

I truly believe now I went though those bad destructive times so I can have a better understand of life. I needed to understand the emotions, the pain and the sorrow to truly appreciate life is truly beautiful. I do have a voice and to voice my life through this means of expression to share what I know to people who are needing support or who want a better understanding to peoples humanity. I see life as a gift and to treasure the gift I was given. Love and acceptance of others because we're all human.

I didn't get this far in my 35 years of life by not working hard. I worked my ass off because I knew if I didn't then it would be a travesty. I would waste a perfectly good life because I didn't want to work hard and to learn and to grow. I have learned to love myself in my heart. I have learned to let go of the hardships that were keeping me in chains of self destruction. It wasn't easy. My journey wasn't easy and I have struggled just to let go. I have had long nights just feeling the hurt feelings from my life. I went though self pity until I faced what was keeping me from moving forward.

I accepted my life can be great if I just let go. My greatest gift is understanding hard work and in the end I will achieve an existence of the greatest life of all...love, hope and acceptance of each other. Take care, Peace!!

A Mental Vacation is what I needed!!

I'm glad I took a break. I'm back feeling all rested and my brain is clear. I'm on a quest and journey I never thought I would be going on. I'll talk about that soon or maybe I'll talk about it later. I have so much to talk about and things I would like to say and I'm not in any hurry.

I had a great time with my mother which to me I feel like those things that happened are in my past and I finally understand life is what you make of it and I finally moved on. I can have a relationship with my mother in the present then struggling with issue from the past. It's refreshing and I feel blessed.

I don't believe in violence, or intimating someone to get what you want. I believe in the truth and being an individual to understand we are all different yet we can get together to help each other out from the goodness of our hearts. I don't believe in Collective Salvation. I don't believe we have to change our history to have a better life. I don't think we need to have our Governments getting involved in our personal lives. I believe we can achieve success by hard work and determination to want a better life then blaming others for your own short comings.

It's no one's responsibility to change your life or make it better. That's why I have a hard time understanding why when things get tough the race cards get thrown out like that's the only way you can hurt someone. I am no racist because I support the Tea Party and what they believe in. I care for people and I will help as long as you want to help yourself. We as a society need to work together then working against the freedoms and liberties we were born with.

I understand we have different ideologies and what we want for our lives. I understand what I believe in may not be what you believe in and I respect that. I want a better understanding of humanity and this is my own personal journey so I educate myself. I read things I don't want to read but I feel I need to understand different view points and I feel I need to learn from all sides of the spectrum for a better understanding of what other people believe in. I don't think I want to change people too see the world how I see it. I don't want that. Why? It's not my job to tell you what to do with your life. I'm just writing out my own journey and you can take out of it the way you want to.

I believe in a God and I have faith and the more I learn and read my eyes are being opened. My views change and sometimes I will say something I truly believe but then later on I will change my mind. I'm a work in process. I don't think I'm a better person from you just because I have faith in a religion. I don't believe I'm a better person than anyone else. I can only be better than myself. My salvation is my own. My relationship with God is my own personal journey to take. I don't think being the best person you can be is the wrong thing. I have faith in humanity and the more we learn and want to learn we can be saved by doing what's right with the understanding we're all good people.

Look within yourself and ask questions of what you want. Do you want your Government to control your life? What is it that makes you happy? What direction do you want your life to take you? Blessed is only if you believe you are blessed!! Take care, Peace!!

Truth within you!!

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible. ~

While I'm sitting here I wonder, I wonder what I'm supposed to do. What can I do to help? Do I have anything of value to give? I keep asking myself over and over again what do I have to ofter back? Then something popped into my brain and I questioned it and I pondered over it to try and put into words what my heart was giving me. I didn't understand at first because it was so simple it didn't make any sense to me because it was so simple but what I can give is Hope. Hope? Yes, I can give to you all is hope.

I watch this world crumble in front of my eyes. I see hard working people losing their jobs downsizing their life to cover their bills and still not have enough. I see with my own eyes a deep sadness towards other human being being dropped to their knees because of all this struggle of power.

Then you have to ask yourselves what can I do for myself? What can I do? The only control you have are the choices you make. Sometimes pride gets in the way and I've had problems in the past and not asked for help because I didn't want to show weakness. Pride is not a form of weakness but a sense of strength. Your only self worth is from within not what the world is telling you. I have hope because I believe in something so valuable no one can take that away from me unless I give it away.

Have hope to be a survivor.
Have hope to see the good when life is throwing you lemons.
Have hope when you're looking at your bank statements wondering where the money will come to pay your bills.

It's the good in all of us to do what's right when everything around you seems wrong. It's that strength within you to get up and keep moving forward. You keep moving forward one step at a time and never give up hope that one day all your hard work will give you a sense of I told you so. I told you I still have hope. I told you, you could never break me as much as you tried. I think the powers that be who want you to believe hope is useless because they know what's best for you. They don't have hope and they only have needs.

We have hope and they have needs.

Why do I say that? I say that because if the powers who think they know what's best for you are only trying to control you and by controlling you they need your hope. If you don't have hope then they have won. They need your hope to win. They want you to believe they have hope to help you. They make their hope look really good like it's what you need. If you already have hope then you don't need what they have to offer. Is their hope any better?

The only power you have left is your hope within yourself. I'm sharing my hope with you to be strong against powers who want to take that away from you. Share your hope with others and stand with me.

Here's to the corrupt powers that be "Do what you want with me because I have what you need and I'm not going to give it to you as much as you try...sorry come back tomorrow!!" Take care, Peace!!

Lost Souls of the World!!

This song means a lot to me. I want to share this video and song to the world to you all out there who need some inspiration and some hope with your life. This song has carried me through a lot of hard times. Even though I don't know some of you personally I understand your pain. I understand where you are coming from. Life isn't easy but somewhere and sometime in your struggle with difficultly I care. I care you can achieve a great life like I was blessed with. There is hope for a better life even when you lost the most personal part, your heart. I've seen broken dreams, abuse, self destruction and I made it. You can too because you're never alone even when you feel like you are. Other people has felt your pain. People do care like I do. I care!! The Pretender's with I'll Stand by you!!



There is always hope if you just reach out your hand. It may not be today but sometime someone will reach out and touch your hand and help carry you through those tough times. Take care, Peace!!

My faith and me!!

There comes a time in your life where you get it or you don't. If I haven't gotten it by now they my life would be a lot harder right now. There was a time in my life where I call it my dark period when my life was in chaos and despair. I was sinking spiritually and I didn't know how to get myself out of it. It was a rough and destructive time in my life where I would rather not want to experience again. I honestly don't know how I manged to survive that time. I was a mess and I was in pain but what kept me going is I new I deserved better. I was searching for a better life but the decisions I was making were making it tough for me until I got pregnant and then it was a whole new ball game. I didn't know at the time if I had religion or faith but I felt something was greater than I was and I held onto that. I knew if I kept believing something was guiding me onto the right path I should start believing it. I lost touch with God during my most trying times. Of course I did. Why would I think God loved me with the things I have done? It's not like I was living on the life of righteousness and I was doing things that you would consider sins from the bible so why would God forgive me? All I new about religion was Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he died for our sins. I just didn't understand what that meant. I just new I didn't fit the requirements for heaven. During my dark time I really didn't care if I went to heaven. Hell didn't seem all that bad because I really believed I deserved to wrought in hell. I didn't think I deserved anything better so that was fine for me until I was showed unconditional love like somehow people loved me for me and saw I did have something worth saving. Since my daughter has been born I realized my life is a vessel. It's what I make of it and I have the choice to make it great or I can make it a hell on earth. I can't blame my life on anyone but me. This last sentence I understand. It's so easy to just blame your bad decisions on someone else but to be understanding, responsible you have to own your own life. You choose to make decisions to burden your own life so blame yourself for your dumb ass decisions. Take responsibility for your life. If you believe in God or not. It's a good life lesson. There are decisions I have made in my life I feel are very hard for me to forgive myself. I have hurt people in my life whom I love and I respect. It's hard to just forgive my heart for that. It's my own way of suffering to remember where I have been. I'm not struggling with it in a way I'm hurting but I have put it in perspective to understand I have been truly forgiven in Gods eyes yet at the same time I remember those sins so I will make sure I will never go back. I'm truly sorry and I learned in my heart I could never do that again. I won't hurt my family like that. I will fight my inner demons so my family will never see me go through that part of my life. I know what the consequences are if I choose to go down the dark path in my life. I understand the pain of infidelity( on my part), eating disorders, and alcoholism. I could be missing some, but I know how destructive my life was and how much pain I was living in so I'm sure the people I loved and the people who loved me having to see that and knowing I was causing them pain. It's hard for me to think I was causing someone else pain. I'm truly sorry!! So you can imagine if I was hurting and I felt like I was drowning in the life then the people who love you are also feeling the pain and hurt watching you destroy your life. Why live like that? Why put yourself in situations where you know could be damaging your soul? I did and I could never in a millions years go back to that. I truly care about people, and sometimes I think I care a little to much but at the end of the journey I call my life I want to know I ran with it and lived the best I could the whole imperfect person I am. We all make mistakes but it's what you learn from those mistakes that count. I trust in God, I trust if I pray for answers I will get them. I asked for redemption and I pray and I repent my sins. I always tell my daughter you will never know your answer if you don't ask a question so I asked for help which guides me on the right path for a better life. By doing that I know I will get my answers. Sometimes I don't listen but when I do I can hear it and I know I'm doing the right thing. If you don't believe in God, it applies in the same way. Just try to do your best and make the right decisions and life will seems a whole lot easier. Life doesn't have to be hard and it's your choice if you allow it or not. Take care, Peace!!!

I'm raising a daughter who is a bully!!

It's so embarrassing. Why???? I was a sweet little girl when I was a kid so I want to believe and I am wondering why is my daughter a BULLY!!!!!!. Okay, my daughter is only a bully to her brother. I feel sorry for the son because he's so sensitive from the beginning and looks up to his sister like an angel and then the girl claws comes out at him and he gets his feelings hurt big time and I have to hear about it with a screaming boy in my ear. Oh my, sigh........ I have tried everything like take her favorite toy away, timeouts, going to bed early and nothing has worked. NOTHING is working!!!! HELP!!!!! WHAT IS A MOTHER TO DO? I don't know what to do about her abusing her little brother. She's so mean and jealous of him. It's been going on for a few weeks and it's been getting ugly like I feel like putting my hands up in the air and walking away or hide in my bedroom but that's not going to help anything. She won't tell me why she abuses her brother. She likes waking him up early in the morning or going into his room during nap time but any other time she treats him like a diseased infested scum ball. My poor little boy and now he thinks hitting is funny which he gets in trouble for and then he cries because he's always getting his feelings hurt. I tried separating them during the day. It seemed like our happy home is a war zone and I don't know how to change the struggle to our fun happy space we once had. Oh I miss those days...okay we really never had a fun happy home and it's all in my head but I can dream can I? My ears hurt and it's all about me, right? I need a solution because I don't want my daughter to be mean and hurtful to her little brother anymore. Oh the tears........Take care, Peace!!!! I need some advice so if you have any please leave a comment and I'll happily will listen.....Please!!!!