When Life Stops!

I truly understand how my Hubs must of felt when his world stopped when I got Pneumonia almost two years ago and I was in and out of the Hospital.

Yesterday was my turn. I woke up like I always did and my hubs was home telling me we needed to go to the Emergency Room. His whole left side was numb, his upper back hurt and various other symptoms. I was upset he didn't wake me up sooner. I slept in until 10:30 am and he took the kids to school at 8:25 am. I was not pleased he waited that long because I was thinking blood clot or stroke.

We got to the Emergency Room checked in and I told him to call his Mother and let her know and she would have to pick the kids up after school and take care of them until we got any news back. When they took his vitals his blood pressure was high and that worried me.

When they called him back it took awhile until we saw the Doctor and when he did finally come to see my Hubs he decided to order a Chest X-ray, blood tests, an MRI and the ER Doctor wanted to consult the Stroke Team. Heart Problems is high in my Hubs family Medical History. It scared me and I tried keeping it together.

So during various trips to get food or a drink I kept reports going on Facebook and I texted his Pastor. I haven't gone through something so scary before. He's the love of my life, he's my Rock, he's everything to me and I'm waiting for bad news, I'm preparing for the worst and what I'll be facing. I can do this, I can be his Rock now. I needed Jesus to get me through this. I need him to carry me through this so I can be there for my Hubs. I had to be strong for him because he did it for me. Life may get hard and I was preparing for that. I will be strong.

After 5 hrs and a bunch of tests later he will not be dying anytime soon but he will need to see his Primary Doctor for more tests to find the cause for his numbness. He didn't have a Stroke, he didn't have any blood Clots and his Heart is Healthy, his Lungs were Healthy and his blood work came out really good. Thank you Jesus. I can breath now. Take care Peace!

What's right!!

So this past weekend, my world just got flipped upside down. Things that have been brewing for the last several months just blew up and came out. I learned the love my husband has for me and his love to protect his wife became clear to me. He's my stable rock and I should lean on him more because he's one of the few who truly understands who I am and why I do things differently because of the way I had to survive and keep my journey going forward.

I'm not the person to just have a full on meltdown. I tend to keep it within myself because I don't have a lot of people I trust to put myself out there for judgement and in doing so I kept a lot of burden on my shoulders.

I do what's best for me, I know how much I can handle and I know when I need to step up but this past weekend I kinda lost it. Do I feel good I did it?  Yes and no. I'm glad my husband and I got to talk and to chat about what we should do as a family but I don't feel good it had come in the way that it did. I feel like I let myself down in a way I promised I would tell my husband everything. He supports me and wants the best for me and he proved it this past weekend. We don't know all the answers but we'll be working together on finding a solution so our family stays where it should be.

He doesn't want me to suffer and in telling him about my feelings the past few months of things going on outside of our family has strengthened our bond.  We are a family first and that's what matters first. The answers are out there and now I just need to listen. Take care, Peace!!

My vacation!!

Well I think I'm in love with the Atlantis in Reno.  http://www.atlantiscasino.com/   My husband and I just got back from an Awesome vacation to Reno to celebrate our 8 year wedding anniversary. The trip only lasted 3 days because that's all I can handle being away from my wild crazy beautiful kids. It was a much needed getaway and I so needed it.

On Monday morning we left for the airport around 5am. With all the horror surrounding the TSA agents and security when I went through was kinda boring but then again I only had a small purse with barely anything in it and I didn't have to take that much off to go through security. It was just me and my boarding pass with Identification. I always go light because I'm nice that way.

We ended up having breakfast at the Airport and I swear the lady gave me cream for my coffee because I'll just say this being Lactose Intolerant isn't fun when you travel and thank heavens for bathrooms...enough said and I can tell you this....I made my flight.

We got to Reno super early so our room wasn't ready. The weather was warm and sunny the whole time we were there. It's better than rain. The Room was beautiful and so big. I would post a picture of the room but I don't have mine developed yet and I could take one from the resorts website but I don't want to be sued. If you go to the Altantis Website you can see room photos. The rooms were so nice. In the afternoon we took a nap. How nice that was...so wonderful!! I did get kinda drunk Monday night with free drinks when you gamble. I had 4 corona's but it wasn't that kinda night where I had a date with the toilet. I just ended up sleeping good. I was a little green in the morning but you know it's all good!!

Tuesday we just got up when we got up which was nice. I didn't have to think about anyone but myself and for a mother that was pretty sweet. We ended up walking down to the Black Bear Diner http://www.blackbeardiner.com/ and the food was great and I had their Thick-Cut Smoked Bacon and Eggs...so good!! We even bought our kids some long johns there in the gift shop. After lunch we headed across the street to watch a movie. We went and saw Megamind in 3D. Our kids are a little too young for this movie so I'm glad we saw it first. 

We had some time before Dinner which we got reservations for the Bistro Napa for our Anniversary Dinner. The Bistro Napa is concerned Casual Fine-Dining.

Here's there write up :Winner of Wine Spectator's “Award of Excellence!”



Inspired by Napa Valley...great wine, cozy atmosphere, unique & delicious entrées. It's taking Reno places it's never been before. From wood-fired baby artichokes and Kurobuta pork chops to truffled potato chips and sesame hummus. We've stepped out of the expected and created the extraordinary. This is a dining experience you won't soon forget, combining fresh quality ingredients and culinary artistry with a 4,000 bottle wine cellar and you have the newest "It" place to dine in northern Nevada. Let our sommelier help you pair the perfect wine to complete your award-winning gourmet meal.

It was an experience I will never forget. The service was outstanding. We ordered the Bistro Cioppino-Spicy Tomato Saffron Broth, Fresh Fish, King Crab, Clams, Shrimp, Scallops and I'm not much of a seafood kinda gal but I also wanted to try something new and this sounded to die for. The saffron broth you could just eat alone with bread. Everything tasted fresh and melted in your mouth. I haven't had a meal like this EVER!! I felt pampered and I will never forget this dinner. I was blown away by the service, the food and the wonderful experience. If I can ever afford to eat there again I will.

My husband and I don't gamble to win so we gave ourselves a budget and just had a good time. We won some and we lost lots but it was enough to entertain ourselves while we were there. We kinda stayed up to late on Tuesday night by watching re-runs of CSI-NY but that's vacation for you.

Our last day we took our time checking out but we also had a few hours to kill before our flight home so we gambled some more and left feeling relaxed and refreshed. When we got to the airport our flight was delayed for an hour and there's not much you can do in Reno's airport then sit and gamble waiting for your flight. So we sat and gambled some more on the Sex and the City machine and we walked away with some easy money. The perfect way to end our trip.

I'm glad to be home with my kids and the flight home was a little turbulent and my brain likes to go places it shouldn't and my husband made a point by saying God wouldn't give us a good payday and then crash the plane. That would have been messed up!! Like.... You won big but sorry sucka's!!

Well I think I need to make this trip more often and this trip brought some perspective into my life because as I sometimes feel the pressures of "just being mom" I forget I deserve to have my relaxation to unwind and enjoy some time to do things for me and trips like this one was nice. I need to make this my priority to put aside money so my husband and I can keep the flames going in our marriage and I can just be me because I'll always be Mom but sometimes I just need to feel like I have an Identity too!!  Find what moves you!! Take care, Peace!!

Atlantis Casino Resort and Spa you rock and we will be back!!

Change is Good or is it?

It's 9 in the morning and I'm having popcorn with my son. We're sitting here enjoying Dora the Explorer and having a bowl of salty buttery popcorn. It's quite satisfying. This is a good change. I can enjoy this.

Since my daughter started her school career I've been lagging behind in my own life endeavors. I have so much I want to do but it seems like the weeks are just flying by. My weekends are busy busy and I'm not complaining about that but I do need to just relax and maybe I should schedule it in between nap time and homework.

I'm not completely healthy so balancing my time and making sure I don't have a burn out is like juggling. It's a process and lately I'm not so good at it. I'm figuring out what works best for me. I'm not getting much sleep because I'm spreading my time between my family members which it doesn't give me enough time to get the allotted sleep I need to make it through my day. I know, and I need to figure this out before I land my butt in the ER again.

Which I'm in a panic now because as much as I'm working on my schedule to balance out my life so I don't neglect my own needs....... I'm coming down with a cold!!! I can handle a cold and that's taking medication and having the excuse to complain but my husband is going on another Business trip and he'll be gone for a week this time...leaves Sunday. I know I can get help taking care of the kids from my mother in law but still. I don't need to get sick like this. It's like okay, I'm going to get sick but the timing is a little off. Why couldn't I catch a cold after he gets back?

This is change I don't like. Change of rearranging my schedule to fit my lack of ability. I have a problem giving up a little of my power to control my own independence. It's like a fear of forgetting how to take care of ones self because you're so used to leaning and depending another person to survive.  It's been a few years where I had to lean onto my husband for support with the kids, the home, the medical difficulties, and my own pressures of giving up control. Now I'm feeling a little like I'm a failure. Yes, I go there. This is my moment of weakness.......

Honestly, I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can handle and what I can't. I know my own inner demons and I have choices.  I can choose to wallow in my own self pity or I will survive like I have always done. I will make an honest effort to weather the storm that comes my way. This cold of mine is nothing. I have to remember in the last 4 years of my hardest times where it was difficult to get the energy to feed my children. This is nothing compared to finding the strength to make it through the day afraid of passing out, afraid I wouldn't be here for my kids, my husband and not knowing why my system was failing me. So getting a cold is nothing compared to my most trying times. This is change I can live with. Knowing I made it through those days of not having the energy to survive and I did. I managed and I did it so I know I can manage to rearrange my life to get through this bump in the road.  This is nothing!! Take care, Peace!!

Indianprincess...this is me!!

Who are you? Well my real name is Darlene. I like writing about random things and most of the time I'm listening to some form of music. I am a wife to the most understanding and supportive husband and I'm a mother to two wonderful little kids age 5 and 3. I have lots of self anxieties which neither is a hindrance or a gift. I haven't made up my mind about that yet. I characterize myself as an awkward goof with a kind heart. I kinda get flighty when I feel like life is getting too structured for me yet I like to be laid back and that's another conflicting trait I possess.

My husband is my opposite which comes in handy when I'm all over the place when I'm stuck in my head. He brings me back to earth with my wacky doodle tenancies. I like sharing my life experiences and I'm not ashamed of what I have written on my blog. It's my life and what can I do?

Some people may think I'm just crazy and I'm fine with that. I'll take the job as the crazy person because someone has to take the job. I don't take myself serious as you can tell. I like to bring emotion to everything I do. I like to be reminded people are human and we all have feelings especially one's we want other people not to know about. I'm typically in your face about it. I may inspire someone or at least give someone a good laugh. I'm not picky with my writing and it is what it is!!

I seriously want a tattoo but I'm afraid of needles and putting myself through pain just to have a cute picture permanently sketched on my skin freaks me out. I don't care for pain. That's why I don't have one. I can still dream.

I've been a diabetic since I've been 17 years old. It sucks!! When my Doctor's bitch me out for not checking my blood sugars more often I just want to tell them to shove the lancet up their asses. Poking your finger hurts like hell.

I still have my demons I'm dealing with for example I have body image issues contributed by my eating disorder and on my good days I feel sexy and on my off days I feel like a frumpy old women. When I feel like a new change it's usually my hair that gets mangled first.

Feeling like you have no energy to function is hard. Going through this time was hard and frustrating and so exhausting I really don't know how I managed. It amazes me how my family managed through the worst of my health problems and we may be a little off and dysfunctional but we're here and that's all that matters.

I'm a work in progress and I change everyday tweaking myself here and there. I try to stay positive and I'm trying to getting my dysfunction out of my life. I know it's part of who I am so maybe the correct thing to say is I'm working on my dysfunction so I don't let it run my life into the ground. One step at a time!! We all need a hero in our lives and mine is the world!!

This is who I am!! You like me or you don't. No love lost!! Thank you for stumbling upon my craziness!! Take care, Peace!!

I feel relieved!!

It's been a wild three days without the hubby around. The daughter wanted to sleep with me because she was feeling insecure her Daddy was gone so I let her sleep with me which entailed me getting kicked upside the head all night. I was a restless sleeper as a child too so now I understand why no one wanted to sleep with me. I get it now.

So my hubby is back and I'm glad because I missed him not because the kids were running wild while he was gone because I just missed being in his space. I get nervous because he has to fly on an airplane. I used to love flying but since the kids have been born I get a little scared of flying like I don't want them to lose a mother or a father. It's strange how life works after you have kids especially after 9/11. I never used to be afraid of things until I had kids. I guess I realized my own mortality and also my hubbies. I don't want to lose him and I don't want my kids to lose their father. I'm selfish that way.

So my hubby is safe and sound with me and our children. I'm blessed beyond belief for the blessings I've been given. I appreciate it all but it doesn't mean I still can't be afraid of unexplained suffering if things may occur by flying on an aircraft out of any ones control. Flying is not for me but I'll still fly but I can't say I won't be scared about doing it. I'm glad he's home safe and sound and he may have to leave again in a few months to Austin, Texas for Business. I will make sure I'll enjoy the time with him until he goes and then I'll hold my breath until he's with me again but he's not leave yet. I got good advice from a wonderful person to not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow hasn't happened yet. Enjoy the moment because that's what counts. I so love that advice and I'm trying....really I'm trying to used the advice from this wonderful wise women. I truly am!!! Here's Aerosmith. The song my hubby and I choose as our song...okay the song I choose as our song. :) Take care, Peace!!

Love is the Best!!

Lyrics Give Me Forever (I Do) - James Ingram and John Tesh

Looking out, I see
And I know just how much
You're a part of me

I see you and I together in life
So there's nothing I wouldn't do
To make you my wife

Won't you give me forever
To show all of the love
I have here for you
And if you give me
My reason for living
To love you, I love you, I do

With this ring
I'm bound and I promise
I'll never let you down

To family and friends
And the Lord up above
I swear I'll be true to you
And give you my love

Won't you give me forever
To show all of the love
I have here for you
And if you give me
My reason for living
To love you, I love you, I do

Oh, baby, I'll love you
Forever and forever
Oh, I do, oh

Won't you give me forever
To show all of the
Love I have for you
All the love I
Have for you, baby
And if you give me
My reason for living
To love you, I love you, I do To love you, I love you, I do To love you, I love you, I do

I love this song. So my hubby has been gone for awhile. I dedicate this song today to my hubby with all my heart. I miss him because he's my Best Friend. The universe brought us together. It's like my heart aches for him and my stomach has butterflies when I think about him. I have different love for my children but for my hubby it's different. I'm happy he choose me to be his wife. Forever I do!! Life is special and finding someone to share life with is a blessing. Life is too short to have a hard heart. Take care, Peace!!

who needs sleep!!

I don't think I have gotten it in my head I shouldn't be going to bed at 2am in the morning. I still need huge amounts of sleep so when my hubby and I stay up talking until the wee hours of the night my body screams at me. I should learn this by now.

The world as we know it is changing. Change is good but not the kind of change we are facing. I don't want to be a fear monger because it goes against the grain of my being. I'm kinda worried and not for me but for my children. I try to be informed of what is going on around my existence of life. Where do I fit in the large scheme of things? How do I adjust to these changes?

Lately my hubby and I have been talking..ha ha. Some people would think that's good. We're partners in life and communicating is a good thing. He's my rock and I tend to freak out sometimes like when I went through my panic of Natural Disasters and not being prepared. He calmed me down and we made an emergency kit.

Last night I was like if the economy gets bad and Obama is moving towards a Socialist Country of dependence on the Government we will have to move to Canada. Then he reminds me Canada's no better. Canada taxes it's Citizens to death also for their own Social Programs. So moving to Canada wouldn't be any better. So if the USA isn't the world safe haven anymore then where are people supposed to go?

My hubby and I have great discussions because we both bring something new to the table. We don't argue and he tells me things I need to think about and for him also. I just wish we had these discussions at a reasonable hour. I wonder how far the American People will put up with the Government. Will this Country have another American Revolution against it's own Government? Will we have another civil war? I think I'm going a little over board in my thought process but it's kinda based on how the Government just passed a Health care Reform bill without knowing what's in the thing is kinda scary to me. I have concerns and should have concerns. I can't have a blind eye to some of this stuff.

So what can we do? At home, we're cutting back the spending. We're paying off our debt. Going back to basics. Doing some of these things my family can prepare for the worst and if nothing happens then we're better off financially. On the outside world we vote, we vote for Government officials who we believe will do it's job and listen to the people. We make them accountable to do the right thing for this Country. We can turn this Country to be great again. We just have to vote out the cancer in our Government. The cancer that feeds the need for the wrong power. I'm sorry but when the Government isn't afraid of the people then you have lost the war.

How dare the US Government think they know what's best for me. They don't know jack shit about my needs and hell, they don't know what's best for me. I don't need to be dependant on anyone but myself. If I want to eat a greasy hamburger then it's my choice. Is it smart? no, but it's my choice too. I don't need the Government telling me that I can't eat the greasy hamburger because it's bad for me.

Okay, so I have concerns. I have concerns of where this Country is headed. I can bitch for along time about this but I do have a life and children to raise so for another day. Take care, Peace

What's Important!!

I'm always analysing my life. It's a priority I made for myself the moment I found I was pregnant with my daughter. I just want to remember what's important. I want to remember why I married my husband and the reasons we fell in love with each other. I want to make sure I don't lose my focus on why I believe in myself and my family. My family is important to me. I don't want to lose focus and forget the reasons why I'm fighting for them. Life has challenges that can derail your goals and successes unless you keep a strong foundation to make sure when times gets tough you have something to stand on. My marriage isn't in trouble because I make sure it doesn't get to the point of destruction. I work on it just like any other relationship and goals that mean a lot to me. I believe in marriage and what it stands for. It's a wonderful thing to know you made a commitment with someone under God. A true blessing. Sure I'm full of fear and sometimes I run my life on fear but I'm learning to take breaths in between some of that fear. I just want to make sure I'm staying on the right course. I tend to freak out about things that I shouldn't be concerned about but I think sometimes I listen to the News, Media and watch way to much TV which feeds into that fear. I just need to remember life is what I make of it and not to lose my integrity when life pressures me into thinking it's right. So build up what means the most to you and fight to keep it. I'm standing on the foundation my hubby and I have built with love for our family. We can stay strong when we believe our marriage is the glue that keeps us together. Take care, Peace!!

Dreams really do come true!!

So I'm taking a break from studying my Finance homework. I believe life can go the way you want if you fight for it. I sure have fought hard for my life. Looking back when I was 23 years old would I be thinking in 12 years I would be married with 2 children. I had simple dreams back then. When I turned 25 I thought I would never get married. When I was 16 years old I thought when I would be 25 years old I would be married and have children but it didn't happen. I was bummed to say the least. I wasn't even engaged to be married and kids didn't seem like it would ever happen. I felt like one big fat failure. Turning 25 years old I would have to say was the hardest birthday I had. I was depressed for the entire month of 1999. It wasn't pretty. That's so wonderful about dreams. You can change it whenever you want or it takes a little more time to come true. So here I am living my dream. Right now, I should be studying for another dream I'm trying to achieve...a dream I have my heart set on which is putting my family towards financial success. I know that's kind of hard seeing how the world economy is falling apart but I know I can get there. There is always opportunities and you just have to have the courage to accept them. So that's what I'm doing right now is educating myself. Right now, I'm reading and learning about basic accounting to touch up on what I learned years ago and about the changing Stock Market. It's a lot to learn but once I put my mind on something I know I can do it. My hubby right now is following his dream and I'm so proud of that. I will support him and encourage his success like he does for me. I am blessed to be able to follow my dreams. Sometimes people feel like they can't do that. I thought I could never get out of my past abusive relationship but I dug deep within myself and just did it. I was scared to death for the unknown but I knew I had to do it if I wanted something better. Trust me it was the scariest thing I did. I was so emotionally drained I really didn't think I had the strength to do it but I fought for myself. Why not? I think I'm kinda worth it even if some people don't. They don't have to live my life. I hung on to things that inspired me like music and people who loved me to give me that extra boost. I took the responsibility for my life. What's good about mistakes you accept them, learn from them and then move on. For along time I was stuck in the past. I was moving forward in life but I couldn't seem to move from the abuse and my past. I struggled for years until I made an effort to change things in my life that were hurting my success and to achieve my dreams. I'm loving my life's journey even when I complain about the small stuff and in the great scheme of things it's pretty dang good. Life is what you make of it!! Take care, Peace..now I have to go study!!

New Beginnings!!

So my hubby and I looked at the ugly truth and looked at our finances last night. It was not pretty but not that bad at the same time. Yes, we were over extended like the majority of this country but we think we can get out of our credit card debt in a few years IF we are mindful of our spending. Our expenses were ugly and I think I was in shock we spent so much money at Target just turns your stomach sour. It was like we were living a rich man's lifestyle on a poor man's salary. It's the whole saying "Buy now and Pay later" but the problem with this is the paying later. I think we had good intention to just pay later but it's the vicious cycle where you plan to pay your debt back but you keep spending and then the pay later gets bumped further into your future. I think Credit is Evil!! Not worth it and it's one of those things I wish we didn't apply for credit. I think it would have been good to just have one but having several not a great idea but it's reality and so we have to change how we look at money so we can pay off those damn credit cards. Those cards are a thorn in our children's future. They got to be paid off!!! So we have a plan. Right now, it's cutting out some expenses we can live without. Not eating out as much and reining in on the grocery bill to just buy what we need to just buying a lot of junk food. All the extra nonessential spending is out meaning no more buying like we're rich at Target anymore and going back to spend the basic needs for the kids. Of course, their are expenses we have that we can't change because it's the bills like mortgage, power, water, garbage etc. No more living like we have a money tree!!! It's a process and we made a choice to look at our finances every two weeks. It's going to be tedious for a while but you know saving for our families future is worth staring at income statements and balance sheets every 2 weeks. I'm getting excited because if we're smart we can get at least 3 of our credit cards paid off in ONE year or confidently 2 cards paid off in one year. By our calculations if we just are frugal with our spending not to the point of pinching pennies but being realistic about our wants verses our needs we can live comfortably and save money. The goal is paying off those credit cards for good and going back to just having one. I think in a couple of months our 2 kids will be getting their College Funds started. That's exciting to me. I think that's an accomplishment as a Mother to give this gift to my children and actually start on the road then just talking about it and doing nothing until it's too late. I know I can do this and I have excitement I haven't felt in along time. I really want this and I know it's going to pay off. It's like the mentality of wanting to become rich by only buying Lottery Tickets. That's fine because people have won big but you could be waiting your lifetime and never win. Instead of waiting for my large payout from the Lottery I'm taking that first step to making my Lottery winnings by doing instead of waiting. No one is going to make us have financial Security and now I feel like I'm on some infomercial plugging some product for getting rich. You know maybe my family won't get rich by changing our spending but we'll be way better off then we were a month ago by not doing anything. We're taking our family back to a healthier financial living and to me that's better than just talking about change and not actually changing. We're changing for the better!! Take care, Peace!!

Cleaning up my life!!

Where to begin...wow who knew life can be so complicated and wonderful all at the same time. I feel like I'm starting a new journey and right now it's a little out of control and I'm figuring out how to change things for the better. It's just getting started and where to begin is the question of the day. I make lists and in the past it has worked for me to get thing under control and lists of things I need to get done but my lists are so long it's kind of overwhelming. It's so overwhelming I just want to put my hands up in the air and just forget about it like the saying "out of sight, out of mind". The crazy thing is if I want to have a new beginning I have to start somewhere right? So no matter how I'm feeling it has to get done. First, my hubby and I are changing out spending habits and that in itself is a little daunting. You get so used of something like buying material things that life has to offer and then telling yourself no is a challenge like going to Target is our biggest problem. We just can't go there and expect to just get everything on our list because we are weak and things just attempt us to buy buy buy and we know we shouldn't buy those things but at the time it felt really good. We have to stop doing that. So Target will be a struggle to just say No!!! Trust me, it will be hard and I have to be honest with myself because they have a good book selection and that's the reason I don't go to the bookstore anymore because the temptation to not buy just one book is something I have a problem with. I love to read and exercise my mind but I know going to the bookstore is hard for me to not buy the whole store. We also have a problem saying no to the kids. They are blessed for sure. So just saying no is going to be hard. Okay, so my family wants financial success and that's something I want to talk about. My hubby bought a book last week he was so excited about. He was raving big about it and wanted me to read it. It's called Rich Dad, Poor Dad. I saw advertisements about it on Facebook and I just thought it was some get rich quick scam and passed right by it. So after he was done reading the book I started reading it. I got motivated like so much so I'm determined with a new sense of personal power. I haven't felt this inner rush in along time. If my family wants to have financial security we definitely need to change out lifestyle. We need to get out of debt like credit cards and start being smart with our money. It's so simple yet at the same time so hard to change bad habit's. My family has bad habit's. By USA government standards we are smack dab in the middle of Middle Class but we're not wealthy because we enjoy spending money and not getting anywhere to financial freedom. We always talk about what we want like send our kids to private school and go on nice vacations to Disneyland but we would love to do those things without being in serious debt. We want to save money for our kids to have nice College Funds and know if we don't do something now while they are only 5 years old and 3 years old their will never be any money to do those things. My hubby and I would love to give our children financial security so they can grow but to do that "we" as their parents have to show them by example. Showing them how money works and know about debt like credit cards and such they can become financial wealthy themselves in their futures without all the baggage that goes on when they become adults. I decided to go back to school not in a classroom but self teach myself and the best part is I can still buy book. Instead of buying the books I'm used to but buy books that will help our family with financial success. Yesterday I bought some financial books and I will study until the cows come home. Whatever I have to do to make my family successful so money isn't an issue. Yes, it would be nice to be considered rich. We're not there yet but if my family is smart and let our money work for us instead of working for our money then we'll be doing okay. We'll be able to do the things we want for our family like vacations and college funds, private schools and maybe a new car with out a car payment. That will be financial success!! The path we're on right now isn't allowing us to do that. Yes, we could take vacations and put it on credit and pay back later but it won't help find money our children's future. For me, I would rather give our children money so they can go to college without my hubby and I having to borrow money or take equity out of the house just to pay for it. Another thing I need to do is start managing our families house chaos. I say chaos because we have material things we don't use anymore that is just collecting in our house which turns our house in a garage dump. Everything we don't need has to go. So organizing our house is another thing I have anxiety to do. I need my hubby for this but the last few months he has kind of checked out of our family. He still provides for us but he would rather just sit on the couch and play video games then deal with household chaos after he comes home from work or do things around the house on weekends. I don't hound him because he's my partner not my child. I don't think being the nagging wife will make the situation better so I have to be more creative and if that means I have to do most of it myself so be it. Doing nothing just because my hubby doesn't want to help in that way isn't going to be very smart. I don't fault him on this because he goes far and beyond the call of duty on other things for our family. He's appreciated very much so and if he needs to sit on the couch for a few months then that's what he needs to do. In saying that, things still needs to get done around the house so it's all on me to bring my family back from the brink of self destruction. With the already drained energy I do have will be a struggle in itself but I know I can do something if I put my mind to it but some days I'll most likely be crying in a heap on the floor and my hubby will just give me the strength to keep going forward out of love because he does that on more occasion then I care to admit. Thanks Hon!! I don't want my family to struggle if we don't have too. I would like this new journey in my families lives be a good life lesson and blessing then years down the road and not have done anything. I want to be a smart mother not a struggling mother. Our family is blessed to have a roof over our head, food on our table and clothes on our backs but material things is just that..things and if you are struggling to live for things then what's the sense in buying it if it's only causing you struggles. It's not worth it to me. I don't like change and I can tell you I can fight it tooth and nail but this is a gift of change I want for my family. We'll be better off in the long run by changing the bad habit today then wonder why we didn't do anything when we still have a chance. It's not going to be easy and I'm sure I'll be fighting it along the way but it's a journey I want to do for the good of my family. So I educate, learn, purge and maybe when habits change my family will have financial success and as a family we'll be happier human beings then struggling to just survive. Take care, Peace!!

Alcoholism!!!

It took me to stop drinking alcohol by fracturing my left arm tripping over a bench. That's right, I broke my arm tripping over a bench. That's me!! I was at my husbands work holiday function in January 2003 and had a few drinks and went outside to have a smoke. I didn't see the bench until it was too late with me lying on the cold ground. I was embarrassed and ashamed because I try to keep myself self composed out in public especially when it came to my husbands work related functions. I don't really want to be known as that girl. You know who I'm talking about. That one person who drinks a little too much at parties and makes a complete ass out of themselves well for me I was that girl for that night but at least, there were only a few people outside when I did it but still I humiliated myself. So I quit drinking. I decided in my heart I really can't just have one drink. I wish I could have one drink like a normal person. I didn't need an intervention or a 12 step program to stop drinking. I just made the hard decision to not have that one drink. For me that one drink leads to another and another until I become drunk. Like I used to say "I'm not drunk, I'm just buzzin'". For me it was an excuse thinking I could handle just having one more. When I quit drinking I thought it would hard to be around other people who were drinking but really it didn't bother me. I was an adult and new just because I CHOOSE to not drink doesn't mean they couldn't. I came to realize living dry as I put it made me look closer to my inner self. I really didn't like myself when I drank. I've done things which broke my own inner heart and for along time it ate me up inside. I couldn't forgive myself for what I did when I drank. I love the social part of drinking, going to bars, hanging with my friends and having a good time but it always got overshadowed by the stupid shit I used to do after I was drunk. For me, I was never the serial free love kind of girl or didn't want to be. I just didn't want to give myself to any guy who gave me the slightest attention but you know what? I was that girl who just gave it up when I was over the limit of alcohol and my guard was down, my morals and values were out the door to the point of no return. That's what alcohol did to me. My moral compass got shot after I had too many drinks and I had fun without no consequences. It was what it was. Stupid!!! I also became a serial cheater on my hubby when we weren't married yet. I justified cheating on I was lonely and our relationship was long distance but really I didn't have proper judgement when I was drinking. Nope, no good judgment. I'm not a serial cheater in my heart but I became one. I became someone I didn't want to be. Why would I cheat on someone I loved who I wanted to be with? I don't have the answer because it got clouded by alcohol. If I wasn't an alcoholic back then I wouldn't have cheated and that's fact. I never slept with someone when I was sober and the relationship I had with my husband's best friend wasn't a sexual relationship and yes, I cheated emotionally and sometimes some people find that harder to forgive then just cheating by one night stands of pure lustful sex. Cheating is cheating when you're not fully with your significant other and like I said, my husband forgave me for that. Some of the guys I don't regret sleeping with. Some of them were friends like you would call with benefits, the booty call kind of way. I cared for some of them and it was what it was. Now, most of them I could just forget about. I could pass this time in my life where I was just experimenting but I was in a relationship and it doesn't make it right. I really had two major relationships in my life. The first one I was in for 7.5 years which didn't work out because of abuse and it wasn't that great and my relationship with my hubby. I love my hubby and I'm glad he never gave up on me even when I told him the truth. For me to get better I had to let him know what happened. I couldn't go on being with him based on a lie. I could never heal my heart and be the better person who I believed I wanted to be if I didn't tell him of the cheating. For me, I couldn't be with him knowing I had this secret. A secret of infidelity he should know about before we got married. It took time and I worked my butt off to make him understand I loved him and wanted to be with only him. That's why I believe in my marriage vows so much and I truly believe them and it's why I'm still embarrassed of the things I did when I was drunk. I will never cheat on him. I couldn't, and wouldn't put myself in a situation where their is temptation to do so. That part of my life is over and I understand the ramifications of the consequences of the affects of cheating. I don't ever want to re-live that part of my life again. Now I'm slowly healing my heart, healing that part of my soul I destroyed by drinking. I went into a depression after I came to realize I don't want that life. Why would I allow myself to self destruct like that? Lots of factors on self destruction but one thing I could change was to stop drinking. I had the choice to at least, do that! I really don't want to be that person. Drinking for me only leads to unwanted drama neither I was causing it or someone else. It's really not worth it. Now yes, I have had alcohol since then but it's been more in a controlled environment. My hubby and I drink wine at night together but not in access to the point I can't function. I'm also not drinking to hide and run away from my inner demons anymore. I still believe I'm an alcoholic but at least I know I have a limit and I'm aware I just can't have that one drink!! Take care, Peace!!

He reads this blog!!!

I was very surprised when my hubby told me he read my blog. I was looking at my sitmeter the other day and once in awhile my sitmeter doesn't block my own cookies and when I'm working on this blog it will log myself as a visitor. When this happens I have to destroy the cookie and get another one to block and I'm all fine again so here I was sitting there like come on, not again so here I was talking to the hubby about my frustration and he told me he reads my blog. I think I was in shock. I have to admit I was really surprised and more like that's cool. It makes me happy he comes here for a read. I don't know why he wouldn't but we talk all the time so it didn't occur to me he would come here and read what I wrote. He's been really supportive of this blog and knows all the hard topics I have talked about like I said if anyone wants to know more about me just read this blog so maybe he's likes to know what's in my head at times. It just makes me feel like our marriage is going to last for eternity and I may not thank him all the time but he really gets me and I don't feel like I have to be someone I'm not. He loves me for who I am the good, bad and the ugly. I enjoy writing and I enjoy the process because most of the time I don't know what to write about so I pick something in my head and I go with it. Whatever comes out I write and most of the time I'll re-read what I wrote and add more stuff but I haven't deleted anything because I have this blog as adult content so I feel good enough to let it be. My writing is my thoughts at the time and I've gone back to read some of the stuff I wrote and I even can't believe I pressed the send button on some of that stuff. It's like why on heaven's earth did I allow myself to write about that or maybe I should have wrote more about that topic. I can even surprise myself at times how far I allow myself to go. I don't get much visitor's and I'm sure I could do something about that but I don't. I'm not here to be popular but I'm pleased for the people who do come here and read what I have to say. Some of the entries I have on particular people like Joe Flanigan gets good hits. Ha!! Who can blame people, the guy is hot. My obsession of the guy is funny. I have a story about him but I'm not going to talk about it. Karma bit me in the butt about that one so I'll keep it between me and my hubby. That's my secret I only shared with only a select few. It's nothing illegal so nothing to worry about. I'm just smarter than I believe to be and I haven't figured out if that's a good thing or not. So I'm actually happy my hubby wants to know what I write and supports me on this. Thanks so much the best hubby in the world. I want to do you proud. Take care, Peace!!!

7 Years ago!!

Wow, last Sunday was my hubbies and my 7 year wedding anniversary. We should have been in Reno but that's life. Instead we took the kids to Dairy Queen and just hung out at home. 7 years ago was a wild time for us. I just got back from a 51 day stay in Canada finishing up my paperwork to become an legal alien resident of the United States of America and I had to get married in a 90 day period once I arrived in the USA or my visa would expire so 3 weeks later my soon to be hubby and his parents and I rented a Toyota Camry and drove to Reno, Nevada to get married. I don't think we ever had a plan really but drive to Reno and get married and I didn't expect much but to have a good time. I'm sure if we had planned it right we would have put our trip off for 2 weeks so we could have gone to hear Jouney in Concert while we were in Reno. Who knew but maybe it was a good thing because we almost didn't make it to Reno. The highway going over the mountains near Shasta closed after we got through and I mean just nearly getting through because my father-in-law had to walk in front of the car to see where the road was because of the massive snow storm in the mountains. It was crazy scary but we made it to the Sands Casino like 6am in the morning and we were all dead tired. The day we got married I didn't know what I wanted to do with my hair and lucky for me they had a hair salon in the casino and I got my hair done professionally. It was perfect. I didn't have a wedding band so I went to the gift shop and bought a $2 mood ring. I couldn't have asked for a better day even though it was raining like mad. I don't know if you have seen the movie The Princess Bride but our minister sounded just like the minister in that movie. The hubby and I were trying not to laugh. After we got married we were like now what and we went back to the Casino and because we got married on a Friday it was Karaoke night. Our song would be forever Elvis Presley: Can't help falling in love. Some dude sang that for us and we danced to it. I would have preferred Aerosmith: I don't wanna miss a thing but everything can't be perfect. That night we also went over to the Atlantis Reno and Resort and fell in love with the place. We go to Reno whenever we can and stay at the Atlantis. That's our place!!!! 7 years have been a wild ride for my hubby and I. Take care, Peace!!

My crazy Life!!!

One of these days I'm going to go on a strike but at this moment I'm afraid too. I feel like all I do is clean and tidy after everyone but me. I know I signed up for this but come on I didn't think it would be this bad. I'm cleaning until the cows come home and then another days comes around and guess what I'm cleaning some more. I don't have a problem with cleaning after my family but man, if I put it off for an hour it's like a tornado has taken over my house. I'm tired of tripping over toys and I have threatened the children if they leave the toys in the kitchen I will give them away to children who appreciate the toys they are given but until I follow through with my threat they keep putting the toys where I almost have killed myself on many occasion. Please, let me have some sanity for one day. My hubby keeps telling me our house should look like people live here and I know but I have this fear that someone will show up unannounced and judge me for the state of my house. I want to be a good mother and also keep a nice house. I think I'm failing on the keep of a nice house. Maybe other mothers have this same fear but I want a nice house where you don't have to step over something. We do have a playroom where the toys are supposed to stay but tell that to a 4 year old and a 2 year old. At least, I have a master bedroom that is tidy and clean except when the hubby goes to bed and his day clothes are just thrown onto the floor until the next morning when I pick them up and put them into the hamper. My space is my space and if it wasn't for a nice sanctuary I call the master bedroom I would be insane from the insanity of a mother. Yes, I will have to say being a mother is the hardest job I have ever done because not like other jobs where you go to work and then come home it's 24/7 365 days a year with no breaks especially me if I'm sick I still have to work. Last night I couldn't sleep for the life of me so I got up early this morning because the daughter had school today and then taking care of a 2 year old with sleep deprivation was daunting. I was dragging my feet trying to figure out what needed to be done today. Laundry needed to be folded and put away, the dishes needed to be put away and I had wished I got better sleep. I guess the Stargate Atlantis episodes didn't give me some nice dreams of Joe Flanigan. Oh well, maybe next time. Maybe I couldn't sleep because Wednesday's I call my hell day. It's the longest day I have to be on my game because the hubby works late and I have to deal with two cranky kids until he gets home or I have to put two cranky kids to bed by myself which is a pain because neither one of them are happy about it because their routine is off and I'm having to explain why Daddy isn't home yet. I love my cell phone and it's not like anyone calls me on it but it's my lifeline. The hubby calls and I know he will be home 14 minutes later and I can go hide for a little while and just enjoy some peace. It maybe for 5 minutes but I enjoy those short minutes where I can get focused and just remember why I signed up for this. I do enjoy my life and most of the time it's great watching my children grow into wonderful children. The hugs and kisses are the best and they are great but then they can also make me want to pull my hair out screaming my head off running out the door wondering why I signed up for this. At the end of the day while I'm sitting on the couch watching my favorite shows relaxing from a stressful day I know tomorrow can only get better because one day my children will clean up after themselves. Take care, Peace!!!!!!!

One year later!!!

It's been almost a year since I started this blog. It's been a year since I decided to start an online blog which I have been neglecting these last few months but like I said before I haven't had that much to say. My daughter starts school on Wednesday and my family has been sick for the last week and I'm starting to feel the pressure and I'm almost down for the count. I seriously need a vacation and November better come quickly because I'm losing my cool and frankly I love my cool so when I'll slowly losing it I find that pretty disheartening. I'm not that nice to be around when I lose it so seriously I need a break. I think the in-laws are going to babysit this weekend so the hubby and I can take a short break for one night. Looking back reflecting on my one year anniversary I have learned a lot about myself and the hardship I shared about my past to where I am today. It's been a wonderful journey and life is good even though the little things can drive me crazy it really has been a good time in my life. I am blessed to be me and I love my family so much. My children are the best even when they can drive me up the wall to no end. What is life if your children can't drive you crazy at times? It's part of life and their are days where I feel like a broken record or days when I feel like pulling out the little hair I have left or flustered when the kids are screaming in my ear when I'm trying to cook dinner or breaking up fights between the two kids but it's all in the name of life and family. The best days are when at the end of the day I feel like I have failed as a mother and my children curl up with me on the couch and gives me the biggest hugs and kisses they can give. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing as a mother but then I have to remember all I can do is be the best I can be and think realistically that not everyday will be good and not everyday will be a bad but enjoy the time you have in the moment. I shared so much of myself this past year from talking about eating disorders, telling you about my crush on Joe Flanigan, talking about my family to expressing myself with my thoughts even though I got a few emails from strangers saying I talk to much about private matters. Oh well, then don't read my blog is all I have to say to them. I talked about my health problems and right now I may have a cold the last few months have been getting better. I don't have that many Doctor's appointments and I'm going every three months for blood work so it's better. I have more energy to get things done and I'm not struggling on a daily basis so life is great or more to the truth it's wonderful. Thank you for coming on my journey with me. Take care, Peace!!!

Seeing the light!!

Well I believe the tide has turned and I'm slowly feeling better. I'm going on more walks with the kids and I don't feel like I'm ready to die after 15 minutes. I can tidy the house without having to stop every 5 minutes to sit down. I actually played with the kids this morning and didn't get lightheaded for once in a very long time. Even though life throws you a curve ball and you feel like this couldn't get any worse it can but I managed to keep my spirits high these past few weeks knowing I will someday feel like myself again. It's amazing feeling knowing you got some answers without coming out short. I don't have serious brain fog anymore and I think that feeling was the worse. I'm surprised life kept on going and the house didn't fall apart. The kids are in one piece and the hubby didn't leave me..ha. Just kidding about the hubby. He's a good man and I'm going to keep him around for along time. He's like my hero and he may not look at it this way because he loves me and we're a family in good times and bad. It's been a struggle for him working long hours and then coming home and working more hours getting things done and taking care of the kids when I needed a much needed rest. He's my rock and I don't know if I would have made it this far without him. I don't know any time when I would call him at work saying I can't do it anymore and him saying sorry I can't come home but instead he would come home and take over where I left off. He also has a great employer who understands his responsibilities of his family and his job. I'm very blessed. Take care, Peace!!

Call me old fashion and love crazy! It's just me!

Call me old fashion in my beliefs but when I married my hubby under the laws of God I truly in the bottom of my heart meant every word of them. I am blessed in my life for him with all my emotional baggage and how he likes me for me. I have compassion and I deeply care about people other than myself. I can express myself without feeling like I have to hide who I am or feel like I have to be someone that I'm not. Like I told my hubby when we first met: You can like me for me or you can kiss my ass because I'm not going to change who I am for anybody. He choose to like me for me. I chose him because I love his heart and he treats me with respect. Their is no complicated long lists of why we are together but a simple love and respect for life, love and understanding of our wants and needs. He makes me be a better person inside and out. When I think about it now when I was younger wishing on a star in the dead of night wanting something better for me. My prayer was answered and here he is married to me. We haven't had a fight or big argument in the 10 years we knew each other. Yes that is correct, no fights or no arguments. We don't have a perfect marriage because perfection doesn't exist but we work on it every day. We have our attitudes and short spats but not anything that we consider a fight or argument. I would like to keep it like this. I enjoy my hubby and enjoy spending time with him. He's my best male friend and we talk about our life, our children and just bitch about the world together. It works for us in our marriage. I am grateful everyday we are together. The support he gives me I am blessed. Everyone has their short comings but it's not important to me on the bigger scale of things. Yes, my hubby gets on my nerves sometimes and I'm sure I get on his nerves but not enough to hurt each other. I get frustrated when I ask him to do something and he doesn't do it in my timeline but that's something I am working on. It's not his fault he's more laid back when it comes to housework and I'm like I have to get it done now not later. Lately, I've been having to put things to the side because of medical reasons and maybe this is my lesson in my journey of life. I need to realize just because things don't get done the world isn't going to end. The kids will survive wearing dirty clothes for more than one day. I'm learning to enjoy the little things in life than what needs to get done at this moment in time. My hubby gives me a soft place to fall and I can count on him for his support. He doesn't make me feel less of a person and he wants me to succeed and be happy. In return, I treat him just as good. My whole philosophy is you treat me great and I'll treat you great. It's give and take and I think that's fair. You give me love and I'll love you back. I knew he was the right one for me because something in my heart said it was. My intuition was letting me know I have to keep this guy in my corner. I think our love is pure. I know in the beginning I abused our relationship because of my stupid choices and behaviour but I asked him for forgiveness and I will never break his trust again. I learned a valuable lesson in the affection of the heart. He gave me the faith to trust my heart and give him faith he will not take this precious gift away. I'm writing like some sappy love song but it's so true. I'm not going to hide the fact my hubby and I love each other. We're partners who want to see the best in each other. If something is bothering me with our marriage then I let him know. It may take months but I eventually talk to him about it and we compromised what's best for us. I don't believe in soul mates because to me that's just fiction. I don't believe in staying in a marriage for convince. Life is too short to be in a turmoil marriage all the time. I think I believe the way I do because most of my life I was in a family where the tension was unbearable day in and day out. Then moving away thinking you don't deserve better so you find people who feed off of that tension. I don't want that kind of life and I moved away from that kind of lifestyle. I would rather wake up in the morning and be worried what to feed the kids for the day then wondering what the abusive drama is going to be next. I lived it before and I thank God I don't live like that today. My hubby and I work hard to keep our marriage the way it is because we both want the same things in life. We make choices to stay close and to work on things that need a little tweaking. I love him and he loves me. He inspires me to be a good person and I let him play golf.... :) It's good to laugh so have a good laugh today! Take care, Peace!