When Life Stops!

I truly understand how my Hubs must of felt when his world stopped when I got Pneumonia almost two years ago and I was in and out of the Hospital.

Yesterday was my turn. I woke up like I always did and my hubs was home telling me we needed to go to the Emergency Room. His whole left side was numb, his upper back hurt and various other symptoms. I was upset he didn't wake me up sooner. I slept in until 10:30 am and he took the kids to school at 8:25 am. I was not pleased he waited that long because I was thinking blood clot or stroke.

We got to the Emergency Room checked in and I told him to call his Mother and let her know and she would have to pick the kids up after school and take care of them until we got any news back. When they took his vitals his blood pressure was high and that worried me.

When they called him back it took awhile until we saw the Doctor and when he did finally come to see my Hubs he decided to order a Chest X-ray, blood tests, an MRI and the ER Doctor wanted to consult the Stroke Team. Heart Problems is high in my Hubs family Medical History. It scared me and I tried keeping it together.

So during various trips to get food or a drink I kept reports going on Facebook and I texted his Pastor. I haven't gone through something so scary before. He's the love of my life, he's my Rock, he's everything to me and I'm waiting for bad news, I'm preparing for the worst and what I'll be facing. I can do this, I can be his Rock now. I needed Jesus to get me through this. I need him to carry me through this so I can be there for my Hubs. I had to be strong for him because he did it for me. Life may get hard and I was preparing for that. I will be strong.

After 5 hrs and a bunch of tests later he will not be dying anytime soon but he will need to see his Primary Doctor for more tests to find the cause for his numbness. He didn't have a Stroke, he didn't have any blood Clots and his Heart is Healthy, his Lungs were Healthy and his blood work came out really good. Thank you Jesus. I can breath now. Take care Peace!

I got questions!!

I do my best thinking when life gives me challenges. I seek answers but sometimes I just have to put them out there. No one has all the answers except for God and who knows if he will share them and if we ever want to know all the answers.

Right now I have some hard questions about life, the questions people have been fighting, arguing about for along time. What is life? When does it really start? When does it end? Who decides when it should end? Does society dictate these answers or is it a personal choice to seek out it's answers.

Some people are afraid to ask these questions because of the ridicule and judgement they may get or people may think they are ignorant for ever questioning for an answer.

So then one might seek the answer from God if they believe in him the creator of the heavens and the universe: what is life? (NIV-Genesis 2:7) the Lord God formed the man from dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, the man became a living being.

Some people may not believe in a creator or believe there is a God and their understanding about life is different then a religious one. Then you get the argument that a baby isn't really a baby until it is born so it's okay to end its life before it gets the chance to ever have it's first breath. So who really decides when life starts?, the women who terminates her pregnancy early, the Politicians, Doctors, Society? and then you get the argument that it's the women's choice what to do with her own body. Yes, I believe a women has her free will to decide what she does with her own body. I'm a women and for someone to dictate what I can and can't do with my personal being I kind of get a little upset. So who really decides then? For the believer it's God. The unbeliever it's human rights.

So what is life? and when should it be protected? Should society protect people who want to commit suicide? If it's there choice to end their life then why shouldn't they be allowed to end their life? Or why is it so wrong for a Doctor to help one of there patients end his/her suffering? Why is that wrong? If Doctor's are there to preserve life then why not try and preserve an unborn baby? Why is suicide wrong but abortion is okay? Those are questions to think about.

What makes ones life valuable and who gets to decide the value of that life? Society? Women? Men? Religion? or is it the individual person who values ones life and then you think about the unborn child. Does this being who isn't born yet have value to life? Then when does life really began?, The moment an egg and sperm connect or when a baby is born? I don't know the answers. Maybe both are the right answers and it depends on the person.

Then is it really wrong for someone to commit suicide or for someone to help in ending a life from medical suffering, or for someone on death row, for a women to abort an unborn baby. Whatever is right or wrong of what you believe when life begins....then who decides the right answers? Who's right? Who's wrong? Who gets to decide when life should be saved and when life should end? Who deserves life? and what about unborn babies who never gets a chance of living? Do they even have value?

So we place judgement on people with opposition on what we believe is right to life. Maybe we should think about what's right to the individual and let the person decide how they value life and when a women should end a pregnancy. We all have our own beliefs, we all have our own journey in life and we all value life differently so then why should anyone place judgement on someone who thinks and feels differently than yourself?  We all can't be right or are we?  Take care, Peace!!

Along way home!!

Sometimes I think about death. It's not like I want to die but I do think about it and what would happen if I died...and did I do enough to set my kids up to be okay without me? What do I want my legacy to be for my children?

I have all kind of questions I think about and try to find answers to some of them. I just think if I'm doing enough in regards to my family. The answer is no, and maybe the answer will always be a no, I'm not doing enough.

I have so much I want to teach my children about life, compassion, love and respect for oneself and respect for others. I want them to grow up to be leaders of good moral standing. I guess most mothers have these similar goals for their children.

So right now, I'm not ready for death. I'm not ready to leave this earth yet. I have so much to learn and so much love to give to my children and I'm sure life would be fine without me. I'm just selfish if I died today someone else would fill my role as mother to my children. I'm sure my children would adjust to any situation but I want to be mother, I want to be the teacher and I want to comfort my children when their hearts get broken. I want to watch all their milestones of ups and downs, their achievements, and their mistakes. I want to know them throughout their life to watch them be who they are as people.

Then what do I do if I don't want to die today? I give my children all that I can give today and everyday. I show them compassion, teach them about love and just support them and then the rest is up to them. I will never be 100% ready to leave them so setting them up to be strong, loving people who want to give something of themselves to humanity for the better of humankind then I'll at least feel like I did my part as a mother.

I always want my kids to try their best...Just try, I tell them. You can't do anything if you don't at least, try!! If you can't do it on the first try then do it again, and again until you get it. Life is frustrating but I want my children to know if they wait for someone else to give them happiness they will be waiting along time. Happiness comes from within not by material things. Material things are nice but they are not everything. You are not defined by what you have (material wealth) but what you give from your own heart.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not ready to die today or die tomorrow. I want to be selfish and be a spectator in my children's life journey to see them as they are today and what they will become tomorrow. I want to be apart of that. I want to be their mother, be there cheerleader, their shoulder to cry on and most of all I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.

Someday I will die but at least, I will know I did my best when I do. Take care, Peace!!

I'll always will remember you!!

I'm having a rough morning like I woke up cranky, moody and sleep deprived. I have so much guilt in my heart this past month. My younger sister 5 years ago passed away from an overdose. She overdosed off of Meth and I couldn't save her. Mind you we lived thousands of miles apart but still we talked all the time on the phone and through email. I didn't grow up with my sister because I was adopted but over the years before her death we got close. She was struggling with life and we had long talks on the phone into the night. I was an ear and shoulder she could talk about her life and where she wanted to go. I cared and loved her like we've known each other our entire lives. It was a hard time for me when she died. I was emotional with joy of having my daughter to saying goodbye to my sister. The month of April 5 years ago was hard for me. The reason I feel guilty about her death is I feel like I should have done more. My words weren't enough to save her. I wanted to be there for her and I feel like I failed as a big sister. My sister was confused and I thought she was doing good until the near end she felt doing drugs was her answer to her problems. Life was just too hard for her and my support wasn't enough to keep her safe and for her to make the right choices to stay away from the drugs. It breaks my heart to know end. I miss her laugh, I miss talking to her. The last time I talked to her I was telling her how her little niece was doing. I was telling her it was safe to have a baby when you're a diabetic. My sister wanted a baby and we would talk long hours about babies and her dreams of becoming a mother. She just didn't get the chance to and her life ended to short. I can't talk anymore the pain of her death is too much for me right now. I'll always remember you my angel in heaven. Take care, Peace!!

Water Intoxication and Thomas!

My daughter loves Thomas the Tank Engine and has a very large collection of toys, DVD's and clothes so it's just normal to go to The Day out with Thomas. Last June we planned to go on a Saturday morning. Our train ride on Thomas was at 5:00pm but we never been to one event before so we didn't realize we didn't have to be there at 10:00am. On June 28th we got up early and headed to our destination an hour away. We found the parking lot and it was close to 100 degrees on this morning. We didn't care because we had water. Our daughter was excited she would get to go on a school bus. Parking was far from the train depot so it was wise to ride the bus because the walk would have been up a very steep hill and with a double stroller well it would have been crazy. Lets just say it was hot that day well over than hot. Being a diabetic I am prone to get dehydrated on hot days so I didn't want to ruin the day for the family so I decided to drink water and stay in the shade as much as I could. I didn't want to get sick so water was my drink of choice for the day. I also don't do good in the sun and the sun was shining bright this day so of course I was scared of dehydration and getting sun stroke. A smart person should have stayed inside with air conditioning on a hot day like that day but this was for my daughter and the excitment on her face I had to have fun with the family doing Thomas activities with our children. We managed to do everything in one hour because that's how small the event was so passing the time for the rest of the day was a challenge but we managed. Around 4:00pm I started feeling sick and at first I thought it was the heat so I drank more water and kept it coming. I just wanted to get through the train ride because that's why we were there to ride on Thomas. My daughter was so excited and the look on her face I couldn't go home now and it was so close to 5:00pm so resting in the shade until we could get on the train but by then it was a little too late. By the time we got on the train I was sick. The whole half hour train ride I was puking up water. I was sick and my first thought was I got sunstroke. I thought I was careful all day staying in the shade as much as I could and drank huge amounts of water all day. I finally told my hubby I needed medical attention right away. Someone called the ambulance and it was waiting for me when the train ride was over. All I remember was getting into the ambulance and that was the last thing I remember until hours later. Here is some information off of Wikipedia of water intoxication: HERE

Water intoxication (also known as hyperhydration or water poisoning) is a potentially fatal disturbance in brain functions that results when the normal balance of electrolytes in the body is pushed outside of safe limits by over-consumption of water.

My doctor said because of the heat that day and the large amount of water I drank during the day had a factor how I landed in the hospital. My kidney's couldn't process all the water I was drinking so they shut down to protect themselves from damage so in turn my brain function got messed up as to the why I don't remember anything after a certain period. I didn't know you can die from drinking too much water. Yikes!! As long as they can catch it in time Doctor's can save you and reverse the affects of the water intoxication. The first stop was at the local Hospital. I heard after the fact I got a MRI, Cat Scan and a Spinal Tap done while I was there thinking maybe I had a stroke. I was transferred to my Health care Provider's Hospital in the middle of the night and was pumped with sodium drips and other medicines to balance out my electrolytes and make sure my kidney function was stable before I could go home. I spend Sunday in the hospital and was allowed to go home on Monday. It was a scary time waking up in the hospital and not knowing what happened to me. Geez, all you hear about is being careful when it's really hot and drink lots of water so you don't get dehydrated but what they should tell people is to drink lots of water but spread it out through out the day and drink drinks like Gatorade etc.. is better. I never in a million years would have thought about having water overdose but I guess it makes sense when you can overdose on drugs and alcohol so why not water. Strange!

Well I learned my lesson and even though my daughter wasn't all that traumatized with my run to the hospital in an ambulance she did tell me in the hospital that maybe next time I shouldn't ride on Thomas. She's so cute. So I had to let her know Thomas didn't make me sick and it was an accident. We had a great time watching the children enjoy the Thomas experience and if we decide to go in 2009 I will know how to take better care of myself in the heat and what drink to have and I have to REMEMBER to space out my drinks thought out the day and eat foods with sodium in it. So next time you are out in a hot day don't drink too much water in a short period of time because drinking too much water can be fatal. Take care, Peace!

Misguided and Misinformed!

I guess my point of view is thinking on the common sense side of the road. Is that good for me?, yes and if that makes me misguided on the issues and I'm misinformed on my beliefs that's my business. I think I'm quite capable to make good decisions what's best for me and my family. Everyone has free will and to think for themselves and that's what's great of being human. I never liked the idea of thinking we are entitled to have things. Working hard and fighting for what we have is the way to go in my book. I will teach my children if they want something in life it's not going to be given to them and if they want something they better work hard to get it. The same with the Government is running this Country. They feel like its all about them and their wants and will do anything they can to steal hard working tax payers money to fund their own agenda then working for the American people. I will use Abortion for example. I know a lot of people have strong beliefs about this subject on both sides and that's why I am using it for my example. I had an Abortion back in 1998 due to a rape and I was able to make the decision what was best for me at the time. I am for pro-choice on the basis of pro-life. Doesn't make sense to you but I will explain why I say that. People will believe I am a murder for having an Abortion. I believe I am a murder of an Innocent baby who didn't have a chance for a life because the difficult choice I made. I will have to live with the decision for the rest of my life. It's not like I had the abortion and everything is okay and done with. The emotions always stay with you. I try not to let it get to me because I don't want to have this one moment in my life to consume me. I don't define myself on one decision I made. I don't believe in abortions. Even thought I had one doesn't mean I condone abortions and agree abortions are right. I believe in pro-life and the moment a fetus is growing inside a woman in my opinion is when life begins. I also am glad of pro-choice. I think every women should decide for themselves the decisions concerning their own bodies. Before I signed the papers to give consent for the abortion procedure I did talk to a counselor and weighed my opinions and understood the decision I made. I was grateful I had this option and it should be a standard practice with all abortions. I didn't make this decision lightly. I know you are wondering why I just didn't go through with the pregnancy with all the options out their like adoption or even keeping the baby. I thought about every angle and every consequence with each situation. I thought about adoption even keeping the baby and every thing in between. For me, it was bad enough I was violated violently by the hands of a sick twisted man and then I found out I got pregnant because of this violence. It wasn't my choice to get pregnant but it happened. I weighted about giving this baby up for adoption but I couldn't guarantee this child would have people who would do what was best for my child. I don't even think I could even give up my baby to strangers. That was another reason I had to think about making the choice to do something like this. I had to think about my future raising a child as a single mother. I know people do this all the time. I personally know at the time I couldn't be a single mother being so young. I wasn't ready to take the responsibility to raise a baby on my own. I didn't want the long wait of 38 weeks reminded every day of being raped. It was selfish of me not to go through the torture of waiting 9 months until the baby was born. I didn't want to have to be reminded every day of how I became pregnant. I personally needed to move forward with my life. My decision was based on my emotional state if I could even go along with the pregnancy. My life at the time I needed to make a quick decision and get over the trauma and move forward with my life. I also thought about the consequences of aborting the baby. I had to look deep within myself in doing something I was strongly against. I thought about everything that goes on in your mind when you are put into a situation like this. In the end, I decided what I could live with and will give me the least amount of emotional stress. Even today while I am writing this I am a little sad. It's a sad situation I wish I was never put in and had to make a choice like abortion. I can't go back and change what happened but I also forgave myself and allowed myself to heal from this part of my emotional pain. I don't shun people who have abortions neither but with any other major laws we need to set in place stricter guidelines. I don't think using abortion as a form of birth control is fair. I don't believe in late trimester abortions but in my case being raped gave me a choice which should also be thought about. When is abortion the right decision? It needs to be thought about from all angles and make sure we meet in the middle what is best for everyone to live with. I think there is all exceptions to every rule but it needs to be defined as such because allowing pro-choice a lot of women are abusing this law. I don't believe abortion should be a procedure women can have freely just because they can. This is my story and my feelings about abortion. I want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. The only way we can change is to talk about the real issues then accusing people their views are misguided and misinformed because the only way to be informed is to talk and so I am talking about abortion... how about you and what do you feel and believe about abortion?