Life is exploding!!

I'm at a crossroads in my life. I'm scared out of my mind. The fear of choosing which path to take and will I make the right choice. I haven't completely given my life to Christ and maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm just scared to completely let go of my control to a belief I know that's right. I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions and the unknown is making me feel like a failure and defected.

I feel defected. There I said it. I lie to myself often like if I let that part of my being be honest it's like I'm a failure. I live to be positive. I want to inspire and to bring a new understanding of supporting one another of lifting people up who are lost so they too can see the world as good.

I know who I am. 10 years ago if you asked me who I was I probably would have said something generic because I really didn't know. My life is clear to me now. I know what I stand for yet at the same time I feel lost of where to go from here. Where am I supposed to belong?

I read the news and my heart is breaking with all this suffering in the world. Our legacy for the next Generation doesn't look great. We are a stepping stone for the next Generation neither to succeed or to fail. I want my children to succeed but how can we allow them to have the opportunities to grow as a Generation when we are planting the seeds for them to fail? We should be lifting each other up to give them the freedoms to carry on to their next Generations to further on in our humanity to be come greater than they are.

Why is selfishness being rewarded when charity is being victimized? We use charity to help our fellow man and we do it because it's the right thing to do. Feeling like charity is an obligation really diminishes the truth of true givings. It's not what's asked of us for what we do it's the compassion of loving someone for who they are and you want to help because you care. It's not because it's expected of you.

Our society rewards people who just want to take from people because they feel they deserve more. We all deserve more by our ability to accept each other of what we can give of ourselves to the good of humanity with our strength to lift up the lost, the weak and to raise children so they can do the same.  How can we grow in our humanity when people want to take more then they truly deserve by allowing people to suffer so they can have their human rights? We all deserve human rights. That's a given but not on the backs of our brothers and sisters to bring them down so they can raise themselves up. How does that help anyone? Why do we feel like it's something to acheive to pull people down just to make ourselves feel better?

I feel like I'm being pulled in a direction of my life where I'm scared to death. I have hope yet at the same time I feel like if I go towards this direction and down this path I'm being drawn too I will fail. I don't want to fail. I guess I need to have more faith in what's good. I have surrendered to what's good and my feeling of defect is sharing in my pain to the world to see we are all imperfect. We should have pride for who we are as humans. I'm proud to stand up for what's right and to defend what's right. Maybe I'm just conflicted because I know the path I'm supposed to go down and I'm just fighting it out of my own personal fear. Maybe I should just let go!!

I'm proud to be living today. Lets inspire each other to be great and lets support each other to lift each other up. Take care, Peace!!

The Dark side of Life!!

Disclaimer: Fowl language in this Post!!

I get it and I understand life can be hard. I've been in places in my life where it was painful to live. Each day wasn't any better then the next. I understand people love drama for themselves or watching, reading and participating in other peoples drama. It's in our nature and sometimes we enjoy it watching other people suffer and sometimes it makes us feel better knowing someone else is suffering just like yourself. Our society is deep rooted with drama, suffering and sometimes people just need it to have meaning whatever that may be for themselves. I had plenty of drama directly and indirectly in my lifetime and frankly I'm getting to the point I would prefer not to have as much. It's really exhausting.

When you are walking with suffering in your life it really is hard to see the world as happiness. You are angry the world is shitting on you. You see other people with joy and you just want them to fuck off, neither you are jealous of them or really you just want them to fuck off.

Sometimes it's just easier to hate the world and everyone in it then to fix your life. It's like you are so down on your life working to make things better is harder so living your life with discontent is what you're going to do. It's not like you deserve a better life and it's not like you deserve to be happy. It's like you're not worth anything better so why bother changing things. Life is a sack of shit so I'll accept it as my life and struggling with life is at least something.

It's a dark world and you never see the good stuff. You never see the opportunities surrounding your life or the people who love and care for you. All you think is they are just trying to get in your business being all righteous like they are perfect and they just don't understand you. You think they are telling you how to live your life and they don't know you. They don't know what you have been through and they sure as hell need to back off because it's your life and they really don't know how you are feeling. What do they know? They haven't gone through my struggles or my heart breaks so how can they help me besides being in my business. You really don't want to hear it neither it makes you fell like more shit or you hear some truth in what they are saying and it makes you feel like shit for seeing your life like shit. It's never a win, win!!

Of course, you don't want to hear it because of your self worth. When you don't give yourself much respect or credit no matter what anyone says you don't believe them because you don't like yourself all that much. Why would you like yourself? The world is against you and suffering just follows you everywhere you go and you never get a break on anything. It's always something which keeps bringing you down. You have the "got ya" moments to prove life is full of shit. You understand the saying "shit happens" because you are living it.

You feel alone because no one understands your pain. No one understands your circumstances and you have lost friends because obviously they don't care and it's there loss. They were bitches and who needs that righteousness anyway like their shit don't stink. I'm better off without them.

It really is a lonely life. Seeing the world like that is sad and the despair, the pain, the not feeling like you are loved, that no one understands me or can understand me is an empty shell of a life. I happened to live some of my life is this. I went through a period of my life full of rage, sorrow, frustration and anger. No one could hate me more than I hated myself. It's sad way of life. The hard part were the tears of not knowing what was next like it was bad enough you couldn't deal with life the way it is yet more things were piling up on your plate like "Come on....really?" Enough is enough yet you keep living it over and over and it's not like you don't want to have an easy life but getting their would be work. How can you deal with work when you got all this shit to do already?

It's not easy changing your life around and seeing the world differently. It took me years and at times the work was more difficult to deal with but you keep working at it. You keep moving forward with baby steps and when you fall you pick yourself up and you keep moving. You're going to get bruised and feel beaten but in the end it's all worth it. One day you will look back and hold those scars of your life with pride.

This is how I did it. Each time a problem came up as much as it hurt I dealt with the issue. I was straight up with the problem that was burdening my heart. I dug in deep and worked it out so I could let them go so when things got tough those issues wouldn't bother me anymore. Then I moved on to the next problem and worked each issue out until life started looking easier. I could see the light on the other side. Then dealing with my problems were getting much easier. You're going to have short comings and old problems will creep back into your life. You pat yourself on your back and you push through.

The more learning you do about yourself you realize how strong you really were for putting up with all your shitty baggage you were carrying around on your back. The lighter you become by working on your craziness you realize you don't want to carry that shit anymore. It was heavy..damn you it hurt. Then you realize you don't want to live like that anymore. You are strong and you realize how strong you are and it gives you strength to push through the chaos of your life.

When things become easier and you learn you really are worth it then you get hit by a ton of bricks called........ guilt!!! Oh my, my bricks of guilt consumed me down to my core being. How do you get out of that? For me I allowed myself to mourn my past life. I started building my foundation to be stronger and more resistance so when troubles came my way it was easier to deal with. My foundation didn't crumble to the ground every time I was hit with the shit part of life. You can never change the past but only live in the present and hope for the future. To move forward you ask for forgiveness and you give forgiveness and life is not easy but it can be exciting and joyful. The light feels warm and inviting. The dark is cold and depressing. You choose what you are willing to live with.

I prayed on this post to guide me on what I should say. It was not easy on me and at times hurt with sadness. I truly believe in love. I care for you and I understand the dark life and with help I want to hold your hand and be there. Someone out there cares for you even when life is lonely. I learned though my dark times you really can't do it on your own. So you will need to put your guard down and ask for support. Support has been there all along and you just need to reach out and embrace it.  Life is love and life is responsibility!! Take care, Peace!!

Change is Good or is it?

It's 9 in the morning and I'm having popcorn with my son. We're sitting here enjoying Dora the Explorer and having a bowl of salty buttery popcorn. It's quite satisfying. This is a good change. I can enjoy this.

Since my daughter started her school career I've been lagging behind in my own life endeavors. I have so much I want to do but it seems like the weeks are just flying by. My weekends are busy busy and I'm not complaining about that but I do need to just relax and maybe I should schedule it in between nap time and homework.

I'm not completely healthy so balancing my time and making sure I don't have a burn out is like juggling. It's a process and lately I'm not so good at it. I'm figuring out what works best for me. I'm not getting much sleep because I'm spreading my time between my family members which it doesn't give me enough time to get the allotted sleep I need to make it through my day. I know, and I need to figure this out before I land my butt in the ER again.

Which I'm in a panic now because as much as I'm working on my schedule to balance out my life so I don't neglect my own needs....... I'm coming down with a cold!!! I can handle a cold and that's taking medication and having the excuse to complain but my husband is going on another Business trip and he'll be gone for a week this time...leaves Sunday. I know I can get help taking care of the kids from my mother in law but still. I don't need to get sick like this. It's like okay, I'm going to get sick but the timing is a little off. Why couldn't I catch a cold after he gets back?

This is change I don't like. Change of rearranging my schedule to fit my lack of ability. I have a problem giving up a little of my power to control my own independence. It's like a fear of forgetting how to take care of ones self because you're so used to leaning and depending another person to survive.  It's been a few years where I had to lean onto my husband for support with the kids, the home, the medical difficulties, and my own pressures of giving up control. Now I'm feeling a little like I'm a failure. Yes, I go there. This is my moment of weakness.......

Honestly, I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can handle and what I can't. I know my own inner demons and I have choices.  I can choose to wallow in my own self pity or I will survive like I have always done. I will make an honest effort to weather the storm that comes my way. This cold of mine is nothing. I have to remember in the last 4 years of my hardest times where it was difficult to get the energy to feed my children. This is nothing compared to finding the strength to make it through the day afraid of passing out, afraid I wouldn't be here for my kids, my husband and not knowing why my system was failing me. So getting a cold is nothing compared to my most trying times. This is change I can live with. Knowing I made it through those days of not having the energy to survive and I did. I managed and I did it so I know I can manage to rearrange my life to get through this bump in the road.  This is nothing!! Take care, Peace!!

Paving the way!!

Welcome to August!! I've been on a spiritual quest understanding life and I'm learning ways to make it better. I know I live in fear at times. I'm trying not to do that anymore. I'm not going to be afraid of this Government which they are slowly pushing it's citizens in chains. I'm not going to worry about it anymore because in the grand scheme of things I'm just one person. I can make a difference by showing by example. I want to be a good person by showing respect and love to my family and anyone who I'm blessed to meet.

You know with everything going on in this Country with people being divided I know what's in my heart and I know I'm no racist. I know I'm trying to do the best I can to understand. I'm trying to be a good example to my children.

Like I keep telling my daughter she can get better at playing her Wii Fit by practicing and over time she will get better. She gets frustrated at times because she wants to be perfect right away and I let her know by working hard she will get good. I'm proud of her and she works to her ability and she works at her game. She's getting good at some of those games on there...better than me at some.  I also tell her to enjoy what's she's doing and just have fun.

I want to bring out the best in my children yet at the same time I want them to know humility. It's okay to stand up for what you believe in and doing so to be respectful. Violence isn't the answer to getting what you want or bullying to make someone else to feel bad because you feel bad.

I feel blessed I'm on this journey and wanting my family to feel we can make life work under any circumstances as long as we believe we're good hearted people. Anything is possible as long as you work hard and put your mind to it. Take care, Peace!!

Politically Correctness!!

Politically Correctness is a term which denotes language, ideas, policies, and behavior seen as seeking to minimize social and institutional offense in occupational, gender, racial, cultural, sexual orientation, disability, and age-related contexts.

Okay, I get it but what I don't understand is then which is it I'm supposed to use when I'm referring to myself so I don't offend myself or offend others when I refer to myself as Native Canadian/French Canadian. Is my assumption correct? Is calling myself Native Canadian/French Canadian the right Politically Correctness? This can leave many people confused and even a bit frustrated like myself.

When I was younger I was considered an Indian. Yes, I was an Indian way before I knew I had some French Canadian descendants. So I referred to myself as an Indian. Then I come to realize I'm not an Indian because of East Indian's from India. So now what?  What am I then?

Then I realized I should be considered as an American Indian...okay, that's fine with me. I'm an American Indian but wait, that's not correct neither...I'm starting to get frustrated for the definition of who I am supposed to be. Am I First Nation? Am I Indigenous? which means "from this land". Am I just considered just "Native"? I'm getting confused or am I Aboriginal? I have no clue on the definition of what is the correct term I am supposed to use about my ancestry.

Can I just say I'm Human? Or do I have to label myself like I'm First Indigenous Native American Indian Asian/Canadian and French Canadian/European From France. I'm a little of this and a little of that. What do I say so I don't offend anyone? It's so complicated so I'll say this: I won't take offense if you call me Native Canadian/French Canadian and please don't take offense because I refer to myself as this. Take care, Peace!!

I'm a Work in Progress!!

I haven't gotten this far in my enlightenment by myself. I have surrounded myself by good people in my life. We can be selfish in what we want for ourselves but we also need to have good support from the people around us. You as an individual need to help yourself and have a strong moral foundation before you can start helping others.

I have picked my own broken self off the ground may of times in my lifetime. Sometimes I didn't know if I could pick myself back up. It was a struggle. It was pure uncontrollable pain of self despair. I don't know how many times I had to convince myself to keep moving forward. I found hope in my heart even though I didn't believe it. Somewhere deep down in my soul I got the strength to keep going. To keep the hope within my life I had to fight my self doubt I could be happy someday. Someday I can be happy. Someday my dreams can come true. Someday I will understand what love feels like. It was something I held onto even if I was afraid to trust it.

There are many good people in this world. I know it's hard trusting in yourself let alone trust in other people when you're in a state like that. Feeling damaged and changing your situation is the hardest thing you can do. I know I fought changing and giving up some of the control a very hard thing to do. It took me years to finally realize I had to change my outlook in life. I had to start trusting people who truly wanted to support me on my emotional healing. It was hard and it took me along time to just give trust a try.

Now I understand I have gotten to a place in my life where I can look back and learn from it. I learned no matter how hard you try to carry on with life it's hard work. You work on your life. If things are not the way you want them so go change it. I will keep working on my life. I will try and make good judgements and decisions to better my emotional self. If I make a mistake then I'll pick myself back up and start over again. I will learn and make things better. You do what you have to do with what you have at the time. Sometimes it's not going to be easy but knowing you are working towards a healing soul then it's all worth it in the end you made progress to achieve happiness.

I was lifted up by the people I surround myself with. I lean when I need to and I express my feelings when life gets hard. I ask for help and I ask for people to listen. I read books and get inspirational advice and to keep me moving forward. I don't know about you, struggling with life is exhausting, tiring and energy draining. I don't want that. I just know I learned about what I want in life. I learned what makes me happy and I also learned who I want to become. I learned to get to know..me!!

Getting to know who you are will give you a better understanding of what you emotionally need and want. It's a progress and sometimes I just didn't want to work on the effort because it's sometimes hard looking into yourself and see all the mess within you. My inner soul was ugly and I had a hard road a head of me but slowly I worked on myself. When it got difficult to face I gave myself a break and worked on other things and then came back to the most difficult situations I couldn't get passed. Slowly over time things didn't hurt as much, things started to look better. Learning to just let go was hard for me. It's hard when that's the only thing you know how to survive but I saw what I could have and it give me a better understanding I can do this. The pain of healing is a lot better than the pain from self destruction. You slowly learn to love yourself and when you do you realize life starts awaking for you like watching a flower bloom. It's beautiful.

It's the best peaceful and emotional part of wanting a better life. It's like looking at the world with different new eyes and coming out of the dark is amazing. It's like going outside and feeling the sun on your face for the first time and breathing the fresh air. How refreshing it feels. You walk with confidence knowing you can conquer anything you put your mind to. That's life and a pure blessing!! Take care, Peace!!

A Mental Vacation is what I needed!!

I'm glad I took a break. I'm back feeling all rested and my brain is clear. I'm on a quest and journey I never thought I would be going on. I'll talk about that soon or maybe I'll talk about it later. I have so much to talk about and things I would like to say and I'm not in any hurry.

I had a great time with my mother which to me I feel like those things that happened are in my past and I finally understand life is what you make of it and I finally moved on. I can have a relationship with my mother in the present then struggling with issue from the past. It's refreshing and I feel blessed.

I don't believe in violence, or intimating someone to get what you want. I believe in the truth and being an individual to understand we are all different yet we can get together to help each other out from the goodness of our hearts. I don't believe in Collective Salvation. I don't believe we have to change our history to have a better life. I don't think we need to have our Governments getting involved in our personal lives. I believe we can achieve success by hard work and determination to want a better life then blaming others for your own short comings.

It's no one's responsibility to change your life or make it better. That's why I have a hard time understanding why when things get tough the race cards get thrown out like that's the only way you can hurt someone. I am no racist because I support the Tea Party and what they believe in. I care for people and I will help as long as you want to help yourself. We as a society need to work together then working against the freedoms and liberties we were born with.

I understand we have different ideologies and what we want for our lives. I understand what I believe in may not be what you believe in and I respect that. I want a better understanding of humanity and this is my own personal journey so I educate myself. I read things I don't want to read but I feel I need to understand different view points and I feel I need to learn from all sides of the spectrum for a better understanding of what other people believe in. I don't think I want to change people too see the world how I see it. I don't want that. Why? It's not my job to tell you what to do with your life. I'm just writing out my own journey and you can take out of it the way you want to.

I believe in a God and I have faith and the more I learn and read my eyes are being opened. My views change and sometimes I will say something I truly believe but then later on I will change my mind. I'm a work in process. I don't think I'm a better person from you just because I have faith in a religion. I don't believe I'm a better person than anyone else. I can only be better than myself. My salvation is my own. My relationship with God is my own personal journey to take. I don't think being the best person you can be is the wrong thing. I have faith in humanity and the more we learn and want to learn we can be saved by doing what's right with the understanding we're all good people.

Look within yourself and ask questions of what you want. Do you want your Government to control your life? What is it that makes you happy? What direction do you want your life to take you? Blessed is only if you believe you are blessed!! Take care, Peace!!

New Beginnings!!

So my hubby and I looked at the ugly truth and looked at our finances last night. It was not pretty but not that bad at the same time. Yes, we were over extended like the majority of this country but we think we can get out of our credit card debt in a few years IF we are mindful of our spending. Our expenses were ugly and I think I was in shock we spent so much money at Target just turns your stomach sour. It was like we were living a rich man's lifestyle on a poor man's salary. It's the whole saying "Buy now and Pay later" but the problem with this is the paying later. I think we had good intention to just pay later but it's the vicious cycle where you plan to pay your debt back but you keep spending and then the pay later gets bumped further into your future. I think Credit is Evil!! Not worth it and it's one of those things I wish we didn't apply for credit. I think it would have been good to just have one but having several not a great idea but it's reality and so we have to change how we look at money so we can pay off those damn credit cards. Those cards are a thorn in our children's future. They got to be paid off!!! So we have a plan. Right now, it's cutting out some expenses we can live without. Not eating out as much and reining in on the grocery bill to just buy what we need to just buying a lot of junk food. All the extra nonessential spending is out meaning no more buying like we're rich at Target anymore and going back to spend the basic needs for the kids. Of course, their are expenses we have that we can't change because it's the bills like mortgage, power, water, garbage etc. No more living like we have a money tree!!! It's a process and we made a choice to look at our finances every two weeks. It's going to be tedious for a while but you know saving for our families future is worth staring at income statements and balance sheets every 2 weeks. I'm getting excited because if we're smart we can get at least 3 of our credit cards paid off in ONE year or confidently 2 cards paid off in one year. By our calculations if we just are frugal with our spending not to the point of pinching pennies but being realistic about our wants verses our needs we can live comfortably and save money. The goal is paying off those credit cards for good and going back to just having one. I think in a couple of months our 2 kids will be getting their College Funds started. That's exciting to me. I think that's an accomplishment as a Mother to give this gift to my children and actually start on the road then just talking about it and doing nothing until it's too late. I know I can do this and I have excitement I haven't felt in along time. I really want this and I know it's going to pay off. It's like the mentality of wanting to become rich by only buying Lottery Tickets. That's fine because people have won big but you could be waiting your lifetime and never win. Instead of waiting for my large payout from the Lottery I'm taking that first step to making my Lottery winnings by doing instead of waiting. No one is going to make us have financial Security and now I feel like I'm on some infomercial plugging some product for getting rich. You know maybe my family won't get rich by changing our spending but we'll be way better off then we were a month ago by not doing anything. We're taking our family back to a healthier financial living and to me that's better than just talking about change and not actually changing. We're changing for the better!! Take care, Peace!!

Cleaning up my life!!

Where to begin...wow who knew life can be so complicated and wonderful all at the same time. I feel like I'm starting a new journey and right now it's a little out of control and I'm figuring out how to change things for the better. It's just getting started and where to begin is the question of the day. I make lists and in the past it has worked for me to get thing under control and lists of things I need to get done but my lists are so long it's kind of overwhelming. It's so overwhelming I just want to put my hands up in the air and just forget about it like the saying "out of sight, out of mind". The crazy thing is if I want to have a new beginning I have to start somewhere right? So no matter how I'm feeling it has to get done. First, my hubby and I are changing out spending habits and that in itself is a little daunting. You get so used of something like buying material things that life has to offer and then telling yourself no is a challenge like going to Target is our biggest problem. We just can't go there and expect to just get everything on our list because we are weak and things just attempt us to buy buy buy and we know we shouldn't buy those things but at the time it felt really good. We have to stop doing that. So Target will be a struggle to just say No!!! Trust me, it will be hard and I have to be honest with myself because they have a good book selection and that's the reason I don't go to the bookstore anymore because the temptation to not buy just one book is something I have a problem with. I love to read and exercise my mind but I know going to the bookstore is hard for me to not buy the whole store. We also have a problem saying no to the kids. They are blessed for sure. So just saying no is going to be hard. Okay, so my family wants financial success and that's something I want to talk about. My hubby bought a book last week he was so excited about. He was raving big about it and wanted me to read it. It's called Rich Dad, Poor Dad. I saw advertisements about it on Facebook and I just thought it was some get rich quick scam and passed right by it. So after he was done reading the book I started reading it. I got motivated like so much so I'm determined with a new sense of personal power. I haven't felt this inner rush in along time. If my family wants to have financial security we definitely need to change out lifestyle. We need to get out of debt like credit cards and start being smart with our money. It's so simple yet at the same time so hard to change bad habit's. My family has bad habit's. By USA government standards we are smack dab in the middle of Middle Class but we're not wealthy because we enjoy spending money and not getting anywhere to financial freedom. We always talk about what we want like send our kids to private school and go on nice vacations to Disneyland but we would love to do those things without being in serious debt. We want to save money for our kids to have nice College Funds and know if we don't do something now while they are only 5 years old and 3 years old their will never be any money to do those things. My hubby and I would love to give our children financial security so they can grow but to do that "we" as their parents have to show them by example. Showing them how money works and know about debt like credit cards and such they can become financial wealthy themselves in their futures without all the baggage that goes on when they become adults. I decided to go back to school not in a classroom but self teach myself and the best part is I can still buy book. Instead of buying the books I'm used to but buy books that will help our family with financial success. Yesterday I bought some financial books and I will study until the cows come home. Whatever I have to do to make my family successful so money isn't an issue. Yes, it would be nice to be considered rich. We're not there yet but if my family is smart and let our money work for us instead of working for our money then we'll be doing okay. We'll be able to do the things we want for our family like vacations and college funds, private schools and maybe a new car with out a car payment. That will be financial success!! The path we're on right now isn't allowing us to do that. Yes, we could take vacations and put it on credit and pay back later but it won't help find money our children's future. For me, I would rather give our children money so they can go to college without my hubby and I having to borrow money or take equity out of the house just to pay for it. Another thing I need to do is start managing our families house chaos. I say chaos because we have material things we don't use anymore that is just collecting in our house which turns our house in a garage dump. Everything we don't need has to go. So organizing our house is another thing I have anxiety to do. I need my hubby for this but the last few months he has kind of checked out of our family. He still provides for us but he would rather just sit on the couch and play video games then deal with household chaos after he comes home from work or do things around the house on weekends. I don't hound him because he's my partner not my child. I don't think being the nagging wife will make the situation better so I have to be more creative and if that means I have to do most of it myself so be it. Doing nothing just because my hubby doesn't want to help in that way isn't going to be very smart. I don't fault him on this because he goes far and beyond the call of duty on other things for our family. He's appreciated very much so and if he needs to sit on the couch for a few months then that's what he needs to do. In saying that, things still needs to get done around the house so it's all on me to bring my family back from the brink of self destruction. With the already drained energy I do have will be a struggle in itself but I know I can do something if I put my mind to it but some days I'll most likely be crying in a heap on the floor and my hubby will just give me the strength to keep going forward out of love because he does that on more occasion then I care to admit. Thanks Hon!! I don't want my family to struggle if we don't have too. I would like this new journey in my families lives be a good life lesson and blessing then years down the road and not have done anything. I want to be a smart mother not a struggling mother. Our family is blessed to have a roof over our head, food on our table and clothes on our backs but material things is just that..things and if you are struggling to live for things then what's the sense in buying it if it's only causing you struggles. It's not worth it to me. I don't like change and I can tell you I can fight it tooth and nail but this is a gift of change I want for my family. We'll be better off in the long run by changing the bad habit today then wonder why we didn't do anything when we still have a chance. It's not going to be easy and I'm sure I'll be fighting it along the way but it's a journey I want to do for the good of my family. So I educate, learn, purge and maybe when habits change my family will have financial success and as a family we'll be happier human beings then struggling to just survive. Take care, Peace!!

Life is a choice!!!

Really understand what this saying means: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness!! The pursuit of happiness is a journey we take from within; liberty is the freedom we allow ourselves; and life is the vessel which carries both our happiness and our freedom. It doesn't say anywhere in this to achieve this you are guaranteed this from someone else. Think for yourself, work hard and life is only what you make of it. Life is about Common Sense and if you think someone will do this for you, you will be waiting along time. Take care, Peace!!!

My happy Home!!

You get to a point in your family where the little ones can start pulling their weight by cleaning up after themselves. It's great for me and less stressful for my anxiety. I like my house to be at least tidy and if I can get to cleaning the toilets once a week even better. I'm liking my kids can be by themselves without destroying the house when I need to be upstairs doing my stuff and them downstairs playing and not have to worry. Yes, I worry too much of their safety and I'm getting better now they are getting older. I had a hard time being in their playroom because it was just to messy for me. I couldn't handle the crazy. It's fun being in their now when toys aren't scattered all over the floor. I'm very proud they have picked up after themselves and it helps me out. Now it will be a challenge getting the daughter to keep her room clean. I just don't go in there unless she at least picked up her toys off the floor. She takes after her father on chaotic mess. The son on the other hand won't sleep unless his room is clean. So wonderful I have one kid who likes structure and things clean. I'll be taking some new vitamins in a weeks time. When I get them hopefully they will help with some of my medical problems in turn should give me more energy to do more things around the house that I want to do. I'm so excited about this. I'll write more about it in a few weeks. Cross my fingers. Talk about happy home: it's quiet and peaceful at the moment. This is the life!! Take care, Peace!!

So much Drama so little time!!

My son's surgery is coming up on Monday. The daughter is having her first sleepover with her Grandparents Monday night and I'm organizing my house because I'm not happy. It's been so long in the making like 2 years worth. I'm a tidy freak and I like to have things tidy and in a proper place. When I wasn't on the best of terms with my health I had to let things slide because I didn't have the energy to do anything about it so I just let it slide off my back but now I can't stand my house and I realized I live with a crew of slobs. Now I got myself caught up in a continuing cleaning frenzy. WHY? Cleaning is my middle name. I feel like I'm just running around cleaning and then having to start cleaning some more. It's been crazy lately. I've been trying to entertain a preschooler who is bored out of her mind. I have a son who seems to whine all the time over the littlest things and I keep daydreaming for a nice vacation. Okay, it's not all that bad. I did sign up for this but sometimes you just have to complain just to get it out and move on. My son got his potty the other day. It's a little frog potty and he likes to sit on it while he watches TV. It's so cute. Well I'm hoping my son's surgery goes well and with the help of his speech therapist he starts talking and that my daughter has fun on her first sleepover. Take care, Peace!!!

Seeing the light!!

Well I believe the tide has turned and I'm slowly feeling better. I'm going on more walks with the kids and I don't feel like I'm ready to die after 15 minutes. I can tidy the house without having to stop every 5 minutes to sit down. I actually played with the kids this morning and didn't get lightheaded for once in a very long time. Even though life throws you a curve ball and you feel like this couldn't get any worse it can but I managed to keep my spirits high these past few weeks knowing I will someday feel like myself again. It's amazing feeling knowing you got some answers without coming out short. I don't have serious brain fog anymore and I think that feeling was the worse. I'm surprised life kept on going and the house didn't fall apart. The kids are in one piece and the hubby didn't leave me..ha. Just kidding about the hubby. He's a good man and I'm going to keep him around for along time. He's like my hero and he may not look at it this way because he loves me and we're a family in good times and bad. It's been a struggle for him working long hours and then coming home and working more hours getting things done and taking care of the kids when I needed a much needed rest. He's my rock and I don't know if I would have made it this far without him. I don't know any time when I would call him at work saying I can't do it anymore and him saying sorry I can't come home but instead he would come home and take over where I left off. He also has a great employer who understands his responsibilities of his family and his job. I'm very blessed. Take care, Peace!!

My son is growing up!!!

It's official and hot off the presses. My 22 month old is now sleeping in a big boy bed. I didn't think this day would arrive because of my lazy ass. I think he was ready months ago but I kept putting it off. The daughter moved into her big girl bed when she was 18 months old so for my son to be in that tiny baby bed for this long time was just pitiful for him. He out grew the thing about 3 months ago but getting the energy to go out and buying a bed for him was just to much energy for me plus he's the baby of the family. It makes him in the "not a baby" category from now on. The almost 4 year old daughter is a little bit jealous of him getting a new room ....kind of. I bought him pillows, a new blanket and things for his big boy bed and she kind of felt cheated because she didn't get anything. I keep reminding her she is blessed to have what she has and I know she knows but when it's convenient for her or when she has to have something. I wouldn't call my children spoiled but they do have some nice things. They live in a nice house and sometimes I think they have way to many toys when I'm tripping over them left and right but then I visit someone else's house with children and then I realize they don't have that many toys compared to other families. This makes me feel good because I like giving my children nice things and now I feel like I'm not going too over board. So the kids rooms are done. I still have plans for the Master bedroom. Stage 2 is still in planning. First stage was getting a bed and side tables. We got a sleigh bed and two nice china style like night stands. Stage two is buying a nice chair, a hanging lamp and some book shelves and the Master will be finished. I think I'm relived the son is in a bed boy bed. Now the hubby and I need to get our butts in gear and go get some dressers for the kids room. The daughter needs a new dresser because when she decided to give Manny our cat a bath she used her dresser as the tub. Lets just say we need to throw that stink in the garbage because I'm not going to waste my time trying to save this dresser which has been abused by the daughter when I keep fixing the thing every couple of months. I'll just get her a new better well put together dresser and cross the fingers she doesn't destroy this dresser too. Ahoy, I need a nap but the kids got up early from their separate quiet times so I didn't get my much needed nap. That's why I haven't written a lot lately because I sleep when the kids do. I need all the sleep I can get so my blogging gets put on last of the things to do during the day. Oh well, it's not like I have lots to say anyway. I need to go take care of the kiddo's. Take care, Peace!!!

It's March Madness!!!

Hello it's March. I can't believe at the end of this Month my daughter will be 4 years old. It just seemed like yesterday we were bring her home from the Hospital with this 4lbs, 13oz healthy baby girl and now she's 41 inch's tall about 35lbs. She's so precious to us and our gift from God. Well I'm in the process of simplifying my life. As much as I love material things and I like shopping and spending money I feel my house is cluttered with stuff and a whole lot of stuff. Do we need this stuff? Okay, some of the stuff I can't live without but other stuff like the 4 boxes of clothes I have in my bedroom I haven't worn in years, the garage full of boxes of stuff we haven't unpacked yet and I'm not missing any of it so do I need to still keep it? The answer is no, I don't need it if I'm not even using it so it will have to go. I'm planning a yard sale sometime this year and then the rest we don't sale we'll donate. I hate clutter and it drives me crazy. Most of the time I don't like going into the kids play area because the kids have all the toys scattered all over the floor. I like my family room now because it's toy free. It's my tidy room plus the TV is in it. The kids can bring toys in there to play but at the end of the day the toys go back to the playroom. My Family room is my grown up space and when I start feeling overwhelmed I can sit on my couch and look around my space which haven't been over-run by toys, hubby's train parts and everything else that seems to collect around the rest of my house. So our trying to save money is coming along. We did have to spend some money to save money in the long run. We ordered a new TIVO box because our old one isn't digital so when we don't have cable we wouldn't be able to watch the channels you can just pull out of the air and so we upgraded and got ourselves a great deal in the process. We have a lot of plans. We think sometime next year we will be out of credit card debt so the only debt we will have is our mortgage on our home. Our last Car payment is in July and that's another $600 a month savings. So by the end of August we'll be saving around $700 a month and I'm sure we can cut back on more. There will be some expenses we'll pick up along the way like our daughters preschool expense in the fall. It's weird how I feel like a responsible person. Does this mean I'm finally an adult? Whatever the case I think the hubby and I feel like we're getting in a better place financially. We don't want to feel like money is an issue and if we want to go on vacation to Disneyland for example we can go do that. It's great to spend money but it's also great not living paycheck to paycheck!!!! I still want to go home to Canada sometime in the next few years. I miss home. It will be 7 years in September since I've been home. I can't believe it's been that long. Wow, now I'm starting to get homesick. It's been way to long and so that costs a lot of money to travel with a family of four. Okay, now I'm sad. I didn't want to get myself sad but it's been way to long. My family is important to me so being away that long makes me sad. At least, my kids are still young so when they are a little older when we do travel back to Canada they will remember the trip meeting their cousins and my friends and the rest of my East Coast family. That way they can see where Mommy came from, the small town I grew up in, the big bad city I moved to when I moved out of my parents house. I think it will be fun to show my children my home town. Man, I miss it now and talking about it makes me miss it even more. You don't think you miss something until it's gone. It's so true!!! I will be coming home soon and hopefully it won't be another 7 years when I finally do. Well now that I miss home I'm going to wallow in my sadness, maybe listen to some music or I may just take a nap. Whatever I end up doing Take care, Peace!!

Single Mothers are my inspiration!

I think I was in denial before today. I didn't want to think about January 5, 2009 will kind of put me in a single mother mode for 10 months. I didn't want to have to think about it but this day is slowly coming like Monday. My hubby is going into a massive project at work with long hours and a whole lot of stress. This to me will mean I won't be getting the home support I got used to with him being around. The hubby is a great provider and loving father to his children so it's going to be a big adjustment for me and for the children. We have our daily routine and now we have to start a new one. I think the daughter will have the roughest time adjusting because her daddy does her bedtime reading, singing and he's the one who puts her to bed. He also gets the children up in the morning and changes them for the day so that will change. We won't see him much and for me that will be hard because at the end of the day we're both tired so adjusting for our time will be a challenge. I know we will survive and work to keep things focused on the bigger picture. Our relationship comes first and then our family. I find single mothers my inspiration on how they can do it all like working, taking care of their children and then everything else in between. I'm lucky I don't have to work outside the home so I can take that out of the equation. I know the hubby is trying to figure out times where he can hang out with the children like come home for lunch. I know we don't want to keep them up past their already late bedtimes to see him. Weekends will have to be something special for the family especially the one on one time with the children so they feel secure daddy is still around. I'm talking like I'm getting a divorce but in a way it kind of is because the long hours the hubby will have to work takes him away from his family and a lot of the time we'll never see him including me because without him helping me with the children I'll be so rundown and tired I'll probably be in bed before he gets home. The last time his work demanded these long hours was before the children came along and it wasn't all that bad so I'm not worried but a little nervous if I can handle this all on my own. I think it's more of a fear than actually it being difficult. I haven't figured out all my health issues yet, the blood pressure problem which drains the little energy I do have left so it's a little scary for me. I know I can step up to the plate and get things done and when it's over I'll look back and see there was nothing to worry about. Life happens and sometimes I'll have to bitch and rant about how many hours away from home the hubby has to work but I know it's his job and his job is what's keeping us in a nice home and paying the bills. I just have to remember who inspires me and remember all the military wives who do it all the time. Being a single mother is not a disease and women do it all the time for there families well being so I have to remember this. I can do this!!! Take care, Peace!

Christmas Eve and all is Merry!

We made it to Christmas eve. The hubby fixed the lopsided Christmas tree. The house is clean and the Grandparents look like they will be able to come over tonight to celebrate with their grandchildren. We didn't know until today if they could come over or not with the weather and the snow. The hubby is outside shoveling the snow away and the children are down for there quiet times. I'm sitting and relaxing listening to the ringing in my ears. How fun for me! I guess I can turn on the music. Okay that's better. I tried my music player on facebook and it disappeared. I hate facebook sometimes especially when they changed it to this new format. Loved the old way better. Oh well, life changes sometimes even if you don't like it. This year has been good, sometimes challenging and we had so much blessings this year for our family. We made it another year and not so much wiser..lol!!! I love my family so much. We're a good crew and sometimes we all could take a break but at the end of the day we know what's important. I think my laptop keyboard just broke a piece. I don't know what's it's for but it's this little black thing. I think I should keep it and ask the hubby when he comes in. I love that he's a whiz at computers. All my computer needs I can go to him as my to go guy. Someone asked me the other day what my new year resolution will be for 2009 and I had to think about it. I don't know really. I don't diet because of the eating disorder and I could exercise more but at the moment exercising is put on hold because of the blood pressure problem so that's out of the question. I guess being more mindful and love my family more. Make my family first and get my health under control by putting pressure on all my Doctor's to figure out my health problems. I do everything they ask of me but they need to do more. I just want my family to do more giving of ourselves this year by volunteering of our time. We donate to charity but volunteering we need to start doing more. This will be a challenge because of the ages of my children but it doesn't hurt to start them out young to help people who need it. I'll have to research more on this. I would like to travel more this year if day trips are only the thing we can afford. Oregon is a beautiful State and I'll like to see more of it. I want my children to learn more about themselves and to find things that will interest them. Wow I'm on a roll and now I can think of a lot more things I want for 2009. I guess I just want my family to be the best we can be and to love ourselves more and to love others who need loving. That's what I want for 2009. Oh yeah, I want to stop smoking. I know it's bad. I've been trying to quit all 2008. I quit for awhile and then started up again. I think I quit 4 times this past year. So this is another resolution for 2009. Quit Smoking for good!!! I was just thinking about this Christmas season. I haven't been stressed out. I'm typically a mess around the holidays but this year was different and I think it's because I didn't do more than what I'm capable with all my health issues so I didn't over extended myself. I went simple and kept it a fun time. The boy finally relaxed to the Christmas decorations and he finally started liking Santa. Everything is all good. Enjoy this time with family!!! Take care, Peace!!!!

Merry Christmas!

One Moment in Time!

I want one moment in time

When I'm more than I thought I could be

When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away

And the answers are all up to me

Give me one moment in time

When I'm racing with destiny

Then in that one moment of time

I will feel

I will feel eternity

I love these lyrics from a song Whitney Houston sings. It's so true. I love music and how I can lose myself into listening to the words music expresses. I can relate to words like this Whitney Houston song. I've done and experienced things in my life where I just wanted one moment in time to prove my destiny. I didn't know at the time it was all up to me to decide the way I want my life to go. My direction in my life is in my control. However I decide is the way it's going to go. I didn't get it back as a child. I didn't know the way my life would be was my destiny. I'm blessed and proud I got it. I got the message for my eternity. I feel like I'm a Hallmark Card but it's a choice I made along time ago. I don't want to live my life in chaos so guess what? I don't. I work hard to keep my life going down the path I've chosen. It can be easy sometimes falling back into a life I was raised in. It takes a lot of will power to fight some of those behaviours in time seemed like the easy way out but in reality was so much harder to deal with. I'm not an alcohol drinker anymore because when I did drink it was to get drunk. I made horrible decisions which hurt my inner soul to the point I loathed myself which I would hurt myself in other ways because in my heart I wasn't worth being loved from the things I did while I was drunk. I don't do this anymore because it's not a life I want for me or for my family. It's a hard life feeling like less than who you really are.

I've lived to be

The very best

I want it all

No time for less

I've laid the plans

Now lay the chance

Here in my hands

It's never to late to change your destiny if something isn't working in your life. Life is so much brighter knowing you and in YOU are making something of yourself. I can be very judgemental about myself at times thinking I'm not doing enough but stopping and just listening to what my heart has to say reminds me life is supposed to be simple. It's not supposed to be hard where you feel like you can't breath all the time. It took me years to turn my life around. I had to get slapped in the face a lot to finely get it. I could say I wasn't much of a religious person growing up and it's more of a newer thing in the last couple of years but I did believe in faith. I believed I was worth more than I believed in my heart. A lot of good people saw it in me when I didn't and I kept trying to get it. I wanted to believe so bad my life could be better. I made a plan, life goals if you want to look at it like that, and made along list of things I wanted to see for my future.

My List at 14:

Graduate High School so I can get out of dodge

To find hope

Wanting some peace

A better life

My sisters back living with me

I got everything on this list and it took me moving out of the house to get the last goal. These goals were small but then again I was only 14 years old. I graduated High School in 1993 but went back to High School again and got some courses in Business and then left with an award Honor's of Distinction for my hard work.

My List at 23:

Find a man who will treat me well

Get a good job

Go back to school

Get married

Buy a house

Have children

I actually got all those plus so much more. I'm happily married with two children and we live in a nice house. I went back to University in 1998 but didn't finish and I look back with no regrets not finishing school. I had a good job before I moved to the USA which I loved. I'm a SAHM(stay at home mother) and I love it. I complain at times but I wouldn't change a thing. My children are apart of my life and at times they can drive me up the wall but they are teaching me to have more patience and not everything has to be done just right. I'm hoping I'm teaching them to be the best they can be and have fun while they are living there life. It's hard to see the good in life in times of struggles but if you don't learn in those times of struggles you will never know what you want. Learn from people and listen to what they have to say because maybe you will see life in a whole different way from your own. It's never to late to change what's not working right in your life. Believe in yourself because if I can anyone can!! Take care, Peace!!!

Preschool! and Please Donate..not to me but to St. Jude Children Research Hospital!

Well I think we decided where our oldest will be going to preschool in the fall 2009. I think it's crazy how we have to decide like in January like it's University or something. Tear! I can't believe my daughter is going to school in the fall. I remember when she was born and it doesn't seem that long ago. She's growing up so fast and oh my, I'm getting a little emotional...okay not really but it's exciting. The hubby and I found a preschool which is also a Dance Academy and I think our daughter will love it. She's into wanting to be a ballerina at the moment and she's even asking for point shoes....ha ha. I don't think so little girl!!!! It's hard telling a 31/2 year old about being a ballet dancer and it's like stabbing yourself with a fork over and over again because she doesn't care about having to train with lessons for years before she even can get into point shoes let alone care about talking to me about the ins and outs of lessons and practice. One of these days maybe she will listen to me. sigh!!!! So when January rolls around we will register her for this amazing school. I was actually surprised how much the school costs and is one of the reasons we choose it. It's in the higher range as far as preschools are concerned in our area but it's like a 2 in 1. She learns through excellence in education, dance and gymnastics. Everything we hoped for and more, plus the Gymnastic classes are USA gymnastics certified. Here So when you look at it like that it's actually cheaper. Dance classes are not cheap and neither is preschool. I could complain about preschool but I'm not going too. It's my birthday tomorrow and it's so close to Christmas. I don't want to ruin my Karma I have going on :) Jon and Kate plus 8 is having there Holiday special visiting St. Jude Children Research Hospital Here on Monday, December 15, 2008. It's a great cause and if you don't watch the show so who cares it's a nice cause so visit there site and maybe while you are there maybe you could donate to this wonderful charity to help: Finding Cures. Saving Children. A little goes along way. Take care, Peace! Goodnight!!!!

Change has come to America!

I guess you would think this was a historic election if you want to see it this way. I don't care if Obama is an African American. To me he's an American, a citizen of the United States of America who became the next President of the United States of America. I thank this country for going out and voting and getting your voice heard. I congratulate Sen. Obama for winning and hope he will do what he says he'll do and affect change for the better for this country. I hope he means what he preaches and does what he promises. I graciously will respect Sen.Obama as my next President. Some quotes from our 44th Elect President: It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment change has come to America. It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states. We are, and always will be, the United States of America. It can't happen without you, without a new spirit of service, a new spirit of sacrifice. So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism, of responsibility, where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves but each other. While I was watching Obama's speech on TV listening to our new "Change" I did noticed how his speech sounded like all of the cheesy Hollywood President speeches. I was waiting for us to get invaded by Aliens and how his speech hijacked spoken words from already famous past Presidents and famous people. He should fire his speech writer because that person watches way to many movies because I know. I know because I watch way to many movies especially movies that have cheesy President speeches in them that sounded a lot like Obama's speech tonight. It made me laugh. If you want to believe his speech and think this Country is going towards the better in "change" that's great for you. I like the wait and see approach. Turning this country into a Socialist Country is your thing then I'm happy for you but maybe I'm just selfish. I expect to keep my money I worked hard for and if you need help I'll help you but not when the Government forces me to sacrifice my hard earned money for you especially those that don't work hard at all. If you work hard and still need my help than I will help you. I don't think the USA Government should tell us how to share our OWN wealth. Spread the wealth..are you talking to me? So I guess I'll just move in with you Sen. Obama in your nice house or maybe I'll move into Oprah's Montecito, CA home. Maybe living in a Socialist Country isn't that bad. Sharing the wealth with all those Celebrities will be fun. Sen.Obama must validate the hope and deliver the change he promised. Sen. Obama already changed America by becoming the first black man to win the White House if you want to look at it this way. His challenge is to change the course of its Government and guide this Country through hard times and to get us past the financial crisis he inherits as he takes office in January 2009. I wish him the best. I pray for him and his family. I pray for the Senate and House of Repesentative to make the right decisions and pass the right bills to help us little folk and hope our taxes don't go up too much so we can suceed in our own growth as a Country. God bless America! Take care, Peace!!