I GOT TO SEE CHRIS TOMLIN..........TWICE!! Music is my happy place. When life hurts I turn to music and I allow it to swallow me whole. I have surrounded myself with music so it be on my phone, my computer, and in my car and when I can't handle my difficulties I put on my headphones and I surrender myself to let my pain listen.
I would have to say I have leaned more onto Chris Tomlin's music the most. I have been blessed to see him in Concert twice and the last time I was so close I could hear him breath. That's not creepy or anything but I had an awesome seat and the night was amazing.
The last few months have been great because I've had more dates with my husband during the day while the kids have been in school. It's been difficult for my whole family and we got each other and no matter what this Church throws at us we're together and our family will always come first.
Music has helped with my brokenness and I turn to it so I can remember what happiness looks like. So I can remember all the good in the world and remember all the good times I had. This year has thrown me some massive shit and I kid you not it has hurt as hell. I have been emotionally beaten this year and I'm ready for a vacation, a White Flag moment to regroup cause I've been getting hit in the crossfire. Talk about Causality of War so yes, I need a break from all that stuff.
Oh Well, my music is bringing me to where I'm supposed to be not where other people think I should be. I'm on solid ground today because I'm in my happy place. Take care, Peace!
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
May 21, 2013
April 30, 2013
Move over and make some room!
New changes are coming my way. I was knocked down pretty hard and sometimes I don't want to ask why but I do want to know the answer for why. I'm not going to live my life in the dark, I'm not going to allow my heart to be crushed and I'm going to try my hardest to stand on my own two feet when the wind blows.
I'm going to make more room to for what makes me happy, I'm going to look through the eyes of pure love then if the world is hating me. I know it's going to be better for me. When you have seen the darkest of lows you know what's staring you straight in the face if it's good for you or not. Changes are coming and it's like an fuck you to the devil and I'm not going to allow him to steal my happiness.
It's been along road of destruction in my life. I'm dealing with a heavy blow to my inner peace but I'm slowly coming back from that. I'm going to make some serious changes to my life. I'm working on fixing a lot of me that's still broken. I'm working on the inner me because my children are worth it and my relationship with my husband is very important to me and he's worth it to me.
I can't promise anything but I know that I can only go is up because living in darkness sucks and as much as I felt pressured to become an idea of what a Christian I should be it has hurt me. I decided to be who I am because that's all I can be. I don't need a label to tell me what I'm not but be the person God has intended me to be. I just want to treat people like I want to be treated. I may be a shy and quiet person but I have a lot to say and I'm ready to shine a light in this world.
Love and Peace!
I'm going to make more room to for what makes me happy, I'm going to look through the eyes of pure love then if the world is hating me. I know it's going to be better for me. When you have seen the darkest of lows you know what's staring you straight in the face if it's good for you or not. Changes are coming and it's like an fuck you to the devil and I'm not going to allow him to steal my happiness.
It's been along road of destruction in my life. I'm dealing with a heavy blow to my inner peace but I'm slowly coming back from that. I'm going to make some serious changes to my life. I'm working on fixing a lot of me that's still broken. I'm working on the inner me because my children are worth it and my relationship with my husband is very important to me and he's worth it to me.
I can't promise anything but I know that I can only go is up because living in darkness sucks and as much as I felt pressured to become an idea of what a Christian I should be it has hurt me. I decided to be who I am because that's all I can be. I don't need a label to tell me what I'm not but be the person God has intended me to be. I just want to treat people like I want to be treated. I may be a shy and quiet person but I have a lot to say and I'm ready to shine a light in this world.
Love and Peace!
August 18, 2012
Going back to Basics!
I think I'm going to take a mental break for a while. I need a Jesus Break and in saying that I'm going to immerse myself in Music. Music is my life and when life feels like pressure I forget how it feels just to listen to the world through Music.
So I'm gonna make a playlist of all my favorite Christian Music and keep playing it on repeat until I feel a little whole again.
This is our God-Hillsong
Forever Reign-Hillsong
Glory of it all-David Crowder Band
10,000 Reasons(Bless the Lord)-Matt Redman
Lord of Lords-Hillsong
How great is our God-Chris Tomlin
Blessings-Laura Story
Your love never Fails-Jesus Culture
Surrender-Lincoln Brewster
Those are some of the songs I can think of while I sit here. I'm sure there are many more songs that would make an awesome song list. I need to be spiritually fed right now and you can't do wrong with some of the great Christian Singers out right now.
I don't know why I stop listening to music when life feels like crushing my soul. Actually I do know but I would rather not write how I feel about evil within the world. I don't want to shine light on something that's not worth the words that I write.
I need to express the love of our father and through music I can worship him for loving me. At times, I confuse where the focus should be on. Jesus died because he loved us all. It's true when you accept Jesus into your heart you will never be the same because I felt it and now accepting what that truly means it's hard wrapping you mind behind how you can truly be loved so greater than God loves you, it's like wow and at the same time hard to understand how deep that truly goes.
People may think I have lost my mind and knowing Jesus is alive within me and when comfort is needed, it's so nice to feel like he came to rescue me here on Earth so I could live. That's the most comfort I have gotten in along time. It's a nice feeling when times are hard knowing you are loved for who you are when the world is making it impossible to love one another. That is awesome.
I searched and I found. Take care, Peace!
People may think I have lost my mind and knowing Jesus is alive within me and when comfort is needed, it's so nice to feel like he came to rescue me here on Earth so I could live. That's the most comfort I have gotten in along time. It's a nice feeling when times are hard knowing you are loved for who you are when the world is making it impossible to love one another. That is awesome.
I searched and I found. Take care, Peace!
July 27, 2012
This is my Home!!
Chester, Nova Scotia Canada
My love of swimming began here and I miss this place. Next year I will be going back for my 20th year High School Reunion....don't judge I'm not that old :)
Another View of the water....I will be home soon!!!
January 2, 2012
Welcome to 2012!!
December 21, 2012 is the end of the Mayan Calender. I'm just happy I made it to 2012. Last April it wasn't looking good for me and the beginning of May I almost died when my body was failing me and I had months of healing, ER visits and days where I had to find the strength just to get out of bed let alone to function. I recovered from prescription pain medication addiction. It was one of the worst years for me yet it was one of my best years for growth. I was baptized in June, I might of struggled physically but mentally I knew I would come out on the other side a better person with more life experience because of my faith and my love for Jesus.
2011 was definitely a hard year for me and I'm looking forward to a new year with new possibilities!! Jesus loves you!!
2011 was definitely a hard year for me and I'm looking forward to a new year with new possibilities!! Jesus loves you!!
September 26, 2011
Eye of a Hurricane!
I prayed I would go see a Chris Tomlin concert. In December 2010 I found out Chris was coming to Portland. I was going to be there but the day my husband and I were going to buy his concert tickets the concert was sold out. My heart hurt a little and going to Seattle which was his last city on his tour wasn't an option. I thought maybe next time and my dream to see him in concert would have to wait for another time.
Later that day I got an email saying Chris Tomlin was adding another concert in Portland for April 14th. We bought the tickets right then. Pinch me, I was one step closer to seeing Chris Tomlin. Why Chris Tomlin? His music inspires me and his songs brings me closer to Jesus.
The hurricane of my health troubles started on March 17, 2011. I fought hard to get up on my feet. I struggled and I prayed. This concert meant so much to me. I knew I had to be there. I knew it would change my life. It was like desperation and the very need to be there was pushing me to move forward.
The day I was admitted for the third time into the Hospital I realized this time was a little more serious then the last two times in the hospital. I still kept my faith in 10 days I'll be enjoying my time listening to Chris Tomlin....I prayed because it didn't look promising.
So I had a Lung Tap, I had a blood Transfusion and oh right, I also had lung surgery all in a 5 day period. After surgery I calculated in my head I have 3 or 4 days with tubes sticking out of my body and I need to get off my IV pain medication. I needed to be discharged neither Wednesday or Thursday morning. Monday before the concert I got my tubes taken out and the IV pain medication went away on Tuesday and by Wednesday I was allowed to go home which meant I was going to the concert Thursday Night!!
Thursday Night I was listening to Chris Tomlin. I was present and soaking it all in. Who knew less than a week earlier I was in a surgery room getting my lung operated on due too an empyema pleural effusion in my right lung. I heard there were 5 other people who had the same thing I had and I was the lucky one who survived.
Even though I was still having problems breathing I sang my heart out. It felt so right and I was amazed I was actually there like it was a dream. I saw Chris Tomlin in concert. Those words I can't believe I said it. I was listening to Chris Tomlin in concert watching him and listening to him sing his beautiful songs. It was a miracle I was there when a week before I was told by my pulmonologist I would need lung surgery.
My prayers were answered and dreams really do come true. This was my eye of the hurricane because a few days later I was back on another journey of more medical problems that lasted for along time.
I needed this break and this special moment. It would push me through the very hard days, during my endless nights of depression and the sadness within my heart. It got me through my trials of pain and when I wanted to give up I would remember how I felt during the concert and it kept me moving along.
Today is near the end of September and I'm slowly learning to live again and the hurricane slowly gone with a lot of damage left behind. I will rebuild my life. I will get my heart right again and my season of depression will be a thing of the past because God is Good!!
I will remember the eye of the storm and what a blessing it had on my life. I'll never forget!
These scars got me on the road to see Chris Tomlin in concert. They may be ugly scars but to me they are my blessings and without them I would never have made it to April 14, 2011. Take care, Peace!
http://www.christomlin.com/
Later that day I got an email saying Chris Tomlin was adding another concert in Portland for April 14th. We bought the tickets right then. Pinch me, I was one step closer to seeing Chris Tomlin. Why Chris Tomlin? His music inspires me and his songs brings me closer to Jesus.
The hurricane of my health troubles started on March 17, 2011. I fought hard to get up on my feet. I struggled and I prayed. This concert meant so much to me. I knew I had to be there. I knew it would change my life. It was like desperation and the very need to be there was pushing me to move forward.
The day I was admitted for the third time into the Hospital I realized this time was a little more serious then the last two times in the hospital. I still kept my faith in 10 days I'll be enjoying my time listening to Chris Tomlin....I prayed because it didn't look promising.
So I had a Lung Tap, I had a blood Transfusion and oh right, I also had lung surgery all in a 5 day period. After surgery I calculated in my head I have 3 or 4 days with tubes sticking out of my body and I need to get off my IV pain medication. I needed to be discharged neither Wednesday or Thursday morning. Monday before the concert I got my tubes taken out and the IV pain medication went away on Tuesday and by Wednesday I was allowed to go home which meant I was going to the concert Thursday Night!!
Thursday Night I was listening to Chris Tomlin. I was present and soaking it all in. Who knew less than a week earlier I was in a surgery room getting my lung operated on due too an empyema pleural effusion in my right lung. I heard there were 5 other people who had the same thing I had and I was the lucky one who survived.
Even though I was still having problems breathing I sang my heart out. It felt so right and I was amazed I was actually there like it was a dream. I saw Chris Tomlin in concert. Those words I can't believe I said it. I was listening to Chris Tomlin in concert watching him and listening to him sing his beautiful songs. It was a miracle I was there when a week before I was told by my pulmonologist I would need lung surgery.
My prayers were answered and dreams really do come true. This was my eye of the hurricane because a few days later I was back on another journey of more medical problems that lasted for along time.
I needed this break and this special moment. It would push me through the very hard days, during my endless nights of depression and the sadness within my heart. It got me through my trials of pain and when I wanted to give up I would remember how I felt during the concert and it kept me moving along.
Today is near the end of September and I'm slowly learning to live again and the hurricane slowly gone with a lot of damage left behind. I will rebuild my life. I will get my heart right again and my season of depression will be a thing of the past because God is Good!!
I will remember the eye of the storm and what a blessing it had on my life. I'll never forget!
http://www.christomlin.com/
January 24, 2011
Tears within my Heart!!
Life has up and downs and ever since I found out I was pregnant with my daughter my life has been an uphill battle of the life I want to live and the life I'm trying to leave behind. I have so much burden within my heart and each step I take and each step forward it seems like life is my gift to my children. I need to just let life challenges that lead the path to where I am today where it should be...in the past. I just have to keep being strong and I need to keep pushing forward. I need to feel like those tears within my heart are my battle wounds of where I've been to where I'm going. It's one of those days where I feel like I'm at a crossroads of good and evil. It's the fiction to my true reality.
I don't write these thing to have people feel sorry for me. I never want pity but more for people to understand this is life. We all have felt unworthy and unloved at one point in our lives. I understand your pain, and I understand your happiness. I just want people to feel it's okay, we're all crazy with emotion and that's okay. I know I have a hard time asking for help. I also feel better when I just write what's in my head and just let it all out.
This journal is like my own personal therapy session. So the few people who come here know I'm being real. I write what's in my heart at the time I'm writing. No holding back especially when I'm hurting. If I'm not real then what's the point? What's the point of writing out my thoughts if I'm going to be fake about it?
Right now I'm struggling to figure out how to live in a world of destruction to being worldly without it affecting my well being, my heart, and the dreams for my life. It's hard when you read stories of Police Officers being shot, or some mad man killing innocent people, or the fighting between Political Parties and in the Mainstream Media. The hate in this world is daunting and it goggles my mind. So I move forward and I'm learning to separate my world yet at the same time being informed because sheltering yourself from all that will only hurt you in the end. Always know what the other hand is doing then the one that's in front of you. One of these days I'll figure it out but until then the tears are still within my heart.
You are loved and you are worthy. Take care, Peace!!
I don't write these thing to have people feel sorry for me. I never want pity but more for people to understand this is life. We all have felt unworthy and unloved at one point in our lives. I understand your pain, and I understand your happiness. I just want people to feel it's okay, we're all crazy with emotion and that's okay. I know I have a hard time asking for help. I also feel better when I just write what's in my head and just let it all out.
This journal is like my own personal therapy session. So the few people who come here know I'm being real. I write what's in my heart at the time I'm writing. No holding back especially when I'm hurting. If I'm not real then what's the point? What's the point of writing out my thoughts if I'm going to be fake about it?
Right now I'm struggling to figure out how to live in a world of destruction to being worldly without it affecting my well being, my heart, and the dreams for my life. It's hard when you read stories of Police Officers being shot, or some mad man killing innocent people, or the fighting between Political Parties and in the Mainstream Media. The hate in this world is daunting and it goggles my mind. So I move forward and I'm learning to separate my world yet at the same time being informed because sheltering yourself from all that will only hurt you in the end. Always know what the other hand is doing then the one that's in front of you. One of these days I'll figure it out but until then the tears are still within my heart.
You are loved and you are worthy. Take care, Peace!!
January 12, 2011
Reality!!
The joys and crappy part of motherhood. Oh my, in between screaming to my kids to stop screaming I'm cleaning up all the crumbs and spilled drinks after lunch I look around and my first thought is to run out of the house pulling at my hair of extreme proportions of what was I thinking of wanting to be a mother but then the calms comes and the house is quiet for a few minutes and I'm reminded of the joy it brings to my heart WHEN the kids are getting along and out of the blue I get I love you mommy.
On the days where I'm being referee between my kids neither one trying to poke the other one in the eye I have to remember they truly love each other. Okay, I can only dream my kids love each other. Sometimes the chaos can't be normal. Our dysfunction can't be normal and I'm just this crazy mother just getting through the day in one piece and hoping my kids won't end up writing a book about me when they get older of how I ruined their lives.
I still after almost 6 years of being a mother my house is still dirty and messy. I have been told I should just let it go because that's the way it is with children. You will never sleep again, you will get worry wrinkles and your house will never be clean again but it's all worth it. So it's worth it and sometimes I wonder if these other mothers are only kidding themselves because being glued to your table by sticky fingers isn't my idea of worth it or being puked on, or laying in an uncomfortable position when your child is sick is really worth it to be a mother. It's all the great life challenges that are worth it that brings joy to my child's face is worth it.
Standing out in the cold waiting for the school bus isn't worth the joy in motherhood but it's a joy when the bus comes and your child bounces off the bus running into your arms because they miss you is worth being a mother. Those are memories that keep me from running out the door because as much as my kids can be difficult, never listen to me or annoying the crap out of me they are still apart of me and their cuteness always reminds me of why I wanted to be a mother. Take care, Peace!!
On the days where I'm being referee between my kids neither one trying to poke the other one in the eye I have to remember they truly love each other. Okay, I can only dream my kids love each other. Sometimes the chaos can't be normal. Our dysfunction can't be normal and I'm just this crazy mother just getting through the day in one piece and hoping my kids won't end up writing a book about me when they get older of how I ruined their lives.
I still after almost 6 years of being a mother my house is still dirty and messy. I have been told I should just let it go because that's the way it is with children. You will never sleep again, you will get worry wrinkles and your house will never be clean again but it's all worth it. So it's worth it and sometimes I wonder if these other mothers are only kidding themselves because being glued to your table by sticky fingers isn't my idea of worth it or being puked on, or laying in an uncomfortable position when your child is sick is really worth it to be a mother. It's all the great life challenges that are worth it that brings joy to my child's face is worth it.
Standing out in the cold waiting for the school bus isn't worth the joy in motherhood but it's a joy when the bus comes and your child bounces off the bus running into your arms because they miss you is worth being a mother. Those are memories that keep me from running out the door because as much as my kids can be difficult, never listen to me or annoying the crap out of me they are still apart of me and their cuteness always reminds me of why I wanted to be a mother. Take care, Peace!!
December 31, 2010
So long 2010!!
Well it's the time of year to reflect on the old year past and look towards a New Year coming. My blues have gone. I'm not so emotionally unstable anymore. My relationship with God is a bumpy one at best but I'm slowing surrendering my control over to God but I'm not quite there yet. Maybe this year with be the year of salvation for me.
Well Christmas was wonderful and traumatic all wrapped up in one little package. My 3 year old son decided he wanted to go super fast while he was standing on a swivel computer chair which he fell off and bit threw his lower lip which we spent over 3 hours at the hospital getting him stitched up. The process of the experience was horrible watching your child screaming for the doctor to be done while he was strapped down on a board with needles being poked in his face, tubes pushed through his lip to clean out his wound. It was something I hope I never have to go through again. This happened in the evening so we still had a great morning and was able to visit the rest of the family. My poor boy was so tired after his stitches he curled up in his fathers arms and fell asleep.
Today of all days our son got his fingers caught in our bathroom door and got some skin ripped off his little fingers. He can't wait to start the New Year. The last week hasn't been nice to him.
All in all this year compared to years past wasn't so much on the shitty list. It's been a building year with my health getting better, the family going to church, getting more fellowship and the daughter starting Kindergarten, the son in his early intervention class and the hubby and I got to get away to our favorite spot Reno for a few days. We are blessed and I'm wishing everyone a blessed 2011 and see you next year. Take care, Peace!!
Well Christmas was wonderful and traumatic all wrapped up in one little package. My 3 year old son decided he wanted to go super fast while he was standing on a swivel computer chair which he fell off and bit threw his lower lip which we spent over 3 hours at the hospital getting him stitched up. The process of the experience was horrible watching your child screaming for the doctor to be done while he was strapped down on a board with needles being poked in his face, tubes pushed through his lip to clean out his wound. It was something I hope I never have to go through again. This happened in the evening so we still had a great morning and was able to visit the rest of the family. My poor boy was so tired after his stitches he curled up in his fathers arms and fell asleep.
Today of all days our son got his fingers caught in our bathroom door and got some skin ripped off his little fingers. He can't wait to start the New Year. The last week hasn't been nice to him.
All in all this year compared to years past wasn't so much on the shitty list. It's been a building year with my health getting better, the family going to church, getting more fellowship and the daughter starting Kindergarten, the son in his early intervention class and the hubby and I got to get away to our favorite spot Reno for a few days. We are blessed and I'm wishing everyone a blessed 2011 and see you next year. Take care, Peace!!
October 5, 2010
Change is Good or is it?
It's 9 in the morning and I'm having popcorn with my son. We're sitting here enjoying Dora the Explorer and having a bowl of salty buttery popcorn. It's quite satisfying. This is a good change. I can enjoy this.
Since my daughter started her school career I've been lagging behind in my own life endeavors. I have so much I want to do but it seems like the weeks are just flying by. My weekends are busy busy and I'm not complaining about that but I do need to just relax and maybe I should schedule it in between nap time and homework.
I'm not completely healthy so balancing my time and making sure I don't have a burn out is like juggling. It's a process and lately I'm not so good at it. I'm figuring out what works best for me. I'm not getting much sleep because I'm spreading my time between my family members which it doesn't give me enough time to get the allotted sleep I need to make it through my day. I know, and I need to figure this out before I land my butt in the ER again.
Which I'm in a panic now because as much as I'm working on my schedule to balance out my life so I don't neglect my own needs....... I'm coming down with a cold!!! I can handle a cold and that's taking medication and having the excuse to complain but my husband is going on another Business trip and he'll be gone for a week this time...leaves Sunday. I know I can get help taking care of the kids from my mother in law but still. I don't need to get sick like this. It's like okay, I'm going to get sick but the timing is a little off. Why couldn't I catch a cold after he gets back?
This is change I don't like. Change of rearranging my schedule to fit my lack of ability. I have a problem giving up a little of my power to control my own independence. It's like a fear of forgetting how to take care of ones self because you're so used to leaning and depending another person to survive. It's been a few years where I had to lean onto my husband for support with the kids, the home, the medical difficulties, and my own pressures of giving up control. Now I'm feeling a little like I'm a failure. Yes, I go there. This is my moment of weakness.......
Honestly, I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can handle and what I can't. I know my own inner demons and I have choices. I can choose to wallow in my own self pity or I will survive like I have always done. I will make an honest effort to weather the storm that comes my way. This cold of mine is nothing. I have to remember in the last 4 years of my hardest times where it was difficult to get the energy to feed my children. This is nothing compared to finding the strength to make it through the day afraid of passing out, afraid I wouldn't be here for my kids, my husband and not knowing why my system was failing me. So getting a cold is nothing compared to my most trying times. This is change I can live with. Knowing I made it through those days of not having the energy to survive and I did. I managed and I did it so I know I can manage to rearrange my life to get through this bump in the road. This is nothing!! Take care, Peace!!
Since my daughter started her school career I've been lagging behind in my own life endeavors. I have so much I want to do but it seems like the weeks are just flying by. My weekends are busy busy and I'm not complaining about that but I do need to just relax and maybe I should schedule it in between nap time and homework.
I'm not completely healthy so balancing my time and making sure I don't have a burn out is like juggling. It's a process and lately I'm not so good at it. I'm figuring out what works best for me. I'm not getting much sleep because I'm spreading my time between my family members which it doesn't give me enough time to get the allotted sleep I need to make it through my day. I know, and I need to figure this out before I land my butt in the ER again.
Which I'm in a panic now because as much as I'm working on my schedule to balance out my life so I don't neglect my own needs....... I'm coming down with a cold!!! I can handle a cold and that's taking medication and having the excuse to complain but my husband is going on another Business trip and he'll be gone for a week this time...leaves Sunday. I know I can get help taking care of the kids from my mother in law but still. I don't need to get sick like this. It's like okay, I'm going to get sick but the timing is a little off. Why couldn't I catch a cold after he gets back?
This is change I don't like. Change of rearranging my schedule to fit my lack of ability. I have a problem giving up a little of my power to control my own independence. It's like a fear of forgetting how to take care of ones self because you're so used to leaning and depending another person to survive. It's been a few years where I had to lean onto my husband for support with the kids, the home, the medical difficulties, and my own pressures of giving up control. Now I'm feeling a little like I'm a failure. Yes, I go there. This is my moment of weakness.......
Honestly, I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can handle and what I can't. I know my own inner demons and I have choices. I can choose to wallow in my own self pity or I will survive like I have always done. I will make an honest effort to weather the storm that comes my way. This cold of mine is nothing. I have to remember in the last 4 years of my hardest times where it was difficult to get the energy to feed my children. This is nothing compared to finding the strength to make it through the day afraid of passing out, afraid I wouldn't be here for my kids, my husband and not knowing why my system was failing me. So getting a cold is nothing compared to my most trying times. This is change I can live with. Knowing I made it through those days of not having the energy to survive and I did. I managed and I did it so I know I can manage to rearrange my life to get through this bump in the road. This is nothing!! Take care, Peace!!
September 23, 2010
Defend the C in Christmas!!
I want to watch this movie when it comes out. Yes, I prayed this morning for a sign of my faith this morning. Then I saw the clip for this Movie coming out this Holiday Season and it warms my heart. I never thought I would be considered controversial for speaking about faith and the love of Jesus Christ. I believe!!. Take care, Peace!!
September 21, 2010
Indianprincess...this is me!!
Who are you? Well my real name is Darlene. I like writing about random things and most of the time I'm listening to some form of music. I am a wife to the most understanding and supportive husband and I'm a mother to two wonderful little kids age 5 and 3. I have lots of self anxieties which neither is a hindrance or a gift. I haven't made up my mind about that yet. I characterize myself as an awkward goof with a kind heart. I kinda get flighty when I feel like life is getting too structured for me yet I like to be laid back and that's another conflicting trait I possess.
My husband is my opposite which comes in handy when I'm all over the place when I'm stuck in my head. He brings me back to earth with my wacky doodle tenancies. I like sharing my life experiences and I'm not ashamed of what I have written on my blog. It's my life and what can I do?
Some people may think I'm just crazy and I'm fine with that. I'll take the job as the crazy person because someone has to take the job. I don't take myself serious as you can tell. I like to bring emotion to everything I do. I like to be reminded people are human and we all have feelings especially one's we want other people not to know about. I'm typically in your face about it. I may inspire someone or at least give someone a good laugh. I'm not picky with my writing and it is what it is!!
I seriously want a tattoo but I'm afraid of needles and putting myself through pain just to have a cute picture permanently sketched on my skin freaks me out. I don't care for pain. That's why I don't have one. I can still dream.
I've been a diabetic since I've been 17 years old. It sucks!! When my Doctor's bitch me out for not checking my blood sugars more often I just want to tell them to shove the lancet up their asses. Poking your finger hurts like hell.
I still have my demons I'm dealing with for example I have body image issues contributed by my eating disorder and on my good days I feel sexy and on my off days I feel like a frumpy old women. When I feel like a new change it's usually my hair that gets mangled first.
Feeling like you have no energy to function is hard. Going through this time was hard and frustrating and so exhausting I really don't know how I managed. It amazes me how my family managed through the worst of my health problems and we may be a little off and dysfunctional but we're here and that's all that matters.
I'm a work in progress and I change everyday tweaking myself here and there. I try to stay positive and I'm trying to getting my dysfunction out of my life. I know it's part of who I am so maybe the correct thing to say is I'm working on my dysfunction so I don't let it run my life into the ground. One step at a time!! We all need a hero in our lives and mine is the world!!
This is who I am!! You like me or you don't. No love lost!! Thank you for stumbling upon my craziness!! Take care, Peace!!
My husband is my opposite which comes in handy when I'm all over the place when I'm stuck in my head. He brings me back to earth with my wacky doodle tenancies. I like sharing my life experiences and I'm not ashamed of what I have written on my blog. It's my life and what can I do?
Some people may think I'm just crazy and I'm fine with that. I'll take the job as the crazy person because someone has to take the job. I don't take myself serious as you can tell. I like to bring emotion to everything I do. I like to be reminded people are human and we all have feelings especially one's we want other people not to know about. I'm typically in your face about it. I may inspire someone or at least give someone a good laugh. I'm not picky with my writing and it is what it is!!
I seriously want a tattoo but I'm afraid of needles and putting myself through pain just to have a cute picture permanently sketched on my skin freaks me out. I don't care for pain. That's why I don't have one. I can still dream.
I've been a diabetic since I've been 17 years old. It sucks!! When my Doctor's bitch me out for not checking my blood sugars more often I just want to tell them to shove the lancet up their asses. Poking your finger hurts like hell.
I still have my demons I'm dealing with for example I have body image issues contributed by my eating disorder and on my good days I feel sexy and on my off days I feel like a frumpy old women. When I feel like a new change it's usually my hair that gets mangled first.
Feeling like you have no energy to function is hard. Going through this time was hard and frustrating and so exhausting I really don't know how I managed. It amazes me how my family managed through the worst of my health problems and we may be a little off and dysfunctional but we're here and that's all that matters.
I'm a work in progress and I change everyday tweaking myself here and there. I try to stay positive and I'm trying to getting my dysfunction out of my life. I know it's part of who I am so maybe the correct thing to say is I'm working on my dysfunction so I don't let it run my life into the ground. One step at a time!! We all need a hero in our lives and mine is the world!!
This is who I am!! You like me or you don't. No love lost!! Thank you for stumbling upon my craziness!! Take care, Peace!!
September 2, 2010
Something New!!
Look at meThese are some of the lyrics to the Song Reflection sung by Christina Aguilera from the movie Milan. I feel like that so often wanting to show what's in my heart but feel like I have to hide who I am. I'm not afraid to tell the world anymore. I'm going to stand up and be proud to show the real me and maybe I'll need help expressing myself through one song at a time.
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
My heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I have to
Hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
I believe in being inspired by love, honor and just believing in yourself. I may not have the answers and I get discouraged but I know I have mended a broken heart, seen horrible things in my lifetime but I want to share all the good too. Life can be great and our world could be great. We just need to accept life!!
That's not the beginning of the endThis song from Enigma touches my heart. I cry each time I hear it. I feel empowered with a sense of belonging to the truth and just following your own way in the world. The message is so powerful and speaks from the heart. The return to innocence. I can never turn back time but I can only move forward. I want to return to innocence and to believe in my destiny.
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Life is what you make of it. I want my life to be the best it can be. Take care, Peace!!
Holding on!!
I'm feeling a little discouraged today. My emotions are all over the place so I thought I would use today as a writing base for a therapy session free of charge. It's not like I woke up today thinking I'm just emotionally broken. I see the world right now and it frightens me. I don't want to give up or I don't want to be afraid to speak my mind or feel like I'm a horrible person because I have different values than you do. I don't want to change any one's mind. I just know what I believe in and what I want. I can see good in a world of chaos and I'm holding on as tight as I can.
Yes, one of my fears is speaking my mind on what I believe. Can you imagine I'm shy? and sometime my fear makes me overly shy. I've been working on this fear for more than 10 years. I was never the person to have conversations on religion or politics but lately in the last several years I kinda started too. I was afraid too speak my mind before because of what people would think of me and I never wanted to rock the boat. I didn't want to argue with someone because I have seen heated discussions already from my past about politics and it had gotten ugly. I don't like watching two people who are passionate turn the conversation personal because they both have different ideology. Of course. when I was younger I never talked about religion because frankly I was never religious and had nothing to say really. It was a whatever attitude about religion.
Now as an adult if I don't speak my mind and stand up for what I believe is right by respecting the other point of view then I'm part of the problem. My time on the side lines sadly is over. I want to respect people even when I don't agree with what they have to say. I want to express my views in a way without attacking the other side. I want to show by example.
I know I'm a good person and I know I'm not a racist. My belief if you call it is individualism if that's a word. Yes, it's an ideology. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Individualism ]
It's so easy to infringe on someones life then to infringe upon your own life. We judge and I'm guilty of it too because we are imperfect and we make mistakes. It's our nature!! Take care, Peace!!
Yes, one of my fears is speaking my mind on what I believe. Can you imagine I'm shy? and sometime my fear makes me overly shy. I've been working on this fear for more than 10 years. I was never the person to have conversations on religion or politics but lately in the last several years I kinda started too. I was afraid too speak my mind before because of what people would think of me and I never wanted to rock the boat. I didn't want to argue with someone because I have seen heated discussions already from my past about politics and it had gotten ugly. I don't like watching two people who are passionate turn the conversation personal because they both have different ideology. Of course. when I was younger I never talked about religion because frankly I was never religious and had nothing to say really. It was a whatever attitude about religion.
Now as an adult if I don't speak my mind and stand up for what I believe is right by respecting the other point of view then I'm part of the problem. My time on the side lines sadly is over. I want to respect people even when I don't agree with what they have to say. I want to express my views in a way without attacking the other side. I want to show by example.
I know I'm a good person and I know I'm not a racist. My belief if you call it is individualism if that's a word. Yes, it's an ideology. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Individualism ]
Individuality is the state or quality of being an individual; a person separate from other persons and possessing his or her own needs, goals, and desires.I didn't read everything on wikipedia yet about individualism to make up my opinion but the basis of individualism is more to my belief structure than being a Progressive, Marxist, etc. which in turn I don't believe in Collective Salvation. I can't help you find God more than you can tell me God doesn't exist because you are different than me and I'm different than you. We can co-exist if we all respect we are all different and can understand we are all different.
It's so easy to infringe on someones life then to infringe upon your own life. We judge and I'm guilty of it too because we are imperfect and we make mistakes. It's our nature!! Take care, Peace!!
September 1, 2010
Positive Living!!
I don't know if I'm making a difference in this world. I'll never know but I'm sure enjoying my writing and I'll talk about my passions on life as long as I have breath to take. I saw this video on a blog I regularly read. I found it amazing and a beautiful piece of art.
Always believe in yourself and stand up for what's right. Take care, Peace!!
Always believe in yourself and stand up for what's right. Take care, Peace!!
August 25, 2010
Getting back into Music!!
I just love You Tube. I can find music and my all time favorites on there. I love Chicago. I have their greatest hits. I used to listen to this group over and over again. I found the video of one of my favorites from them.
I have no sappy sad story behind this song. I just love this song. I could make up a story about this song but nothing. I enjoy great music. I didn't care they were a bunch of old guys. I just like their music. Like I got my son into Journey. He loves their music. I can put on Journey and he gets full of smiles and my daughter likes grooving to Abba. I'm feeling like today is going to be a great music day. I'm pulling out all the old tunes of my youth. Here's my all time favorite Whitney Houston song!!
So many nights listening to this song and my gosh, I used to sing this song like crazy. It never gets old. I used to sing this song for my son when he was a little baby. It used to calm him down before bed time. The Bodyguard was a great movie and Kevin Costner was sexy in this movie. I can't believe I just said that. No one needs to know I found Kevin Costner sexy. I kinda think men in Uniform are just sexy. That's how I roll :)
Oh my, look what song I just found. BRIAN ADAMS. Lets not mention he forgot the words to the "Oh Canada" during the World Series years ago. We may forgive but never forget. It was quite embarrassing. Okay, I just love this song and I even like DJ Sammy's version of it too. Here's Heaven!!
Okay, Yes I also loved the BackStreet Boys. Kevin was my favorite out of them all. Oh Kevin, and no I don't have a thing for guys named Kevin. Ha Ha!! I bet you would guess I loved the New Kids on the Block. What 14 year old girl didn't love the NKOTB? I bought my first cassette tape in Montreal Canada and months later I had to buy another because I played it so much it wore out. Yes, I said cassette tape!! We didn't have the fancy CD's we have now back in the late 80's. Okay, here's one of my favorite Backstreet Boy's songs. I have a few I enjoy.
Okay, two more songs. Here's a blast from my past. Reminds me of Puppy Love. Oh those were the days of crazy days and nights. I had to choose between these two Belinda Carlisle songs "Mad about you" and "I get Weak". They both are great but I choose Mad about you!!
STARSHIP: I loved this group. Man, I didn't realize how much I have aged myself. Oh who cares, great music is great music. So much cool music to pick from but I have to stop sometime. Maybe I'll do another music blog and post my all time favorites. Oh my, I'm all giddy!! Music is inbreed in my soul. Here's Starship:
I feel at peace today. I enjoy sharing the music I love. Makes me remember what's important in life. Take care, Peace!!
I have no sappy sad story behind this song. I just love this song. I could make up a story about this song but nothing. I enjoy great music. I didn't care they were a bunch of old guys. I just like their music. Like I got my son into Journey. He loves their music. I can put on Journey and he gets full of smiles and my daughter likes grooving to Abba. I'm feeling like today is going to be a great music day. I'm pulling out all the old tunes of my youth. Here's my all time favorite Whitney Houston song!!
So many nights listening to this song and my gosh, I used to sing this song like crazy. It never gets old. I used to sing this song for my son when he was a little baby. It used to calm him down before bed time. The Bodyguard was a great movie and Kevin Costner was sexy in this movie. I can't believe I just said that. No one needs to know I found Kevin Costner sexy. I kinda think men in Uniform are just sexy. That's how I roll :)
Oh my, look what song I just found. BRIAN ADAMS. Lets not mention he forgot the words to the "Oh Canada" during the World Series years ago. We may forgive but never forget. It was quite embarrassing. Okay, I just love this song and I even like DJ Sammy's version of it too. Here's Heaven!!
Okay, Yes I also loved the BackStreet Boys. Kevin was my favorite out of them all. Oh Kevin, and no I don't have a thing for guys named Kevin. Ha Ha!! I bet you would guess I loved the New Kids on the Block. What 14 year old girl didn't love the NKOTB? I bought my first cassette tape in Montreal Canada and months later I had to buy another because I played it so much it wore out. Yes, I said cassette tape!! We didn't have the fancy CD's we have now back in the late 80's. Okay, here's one of my favorite Backstreet Boy's songs. I have a few I enjoy.
Okay, two more songs. Here's a blast from my past. Reminds me of Puppy Love. Oh those were the days of crazy days and nights. I had to choose between these two Belinda Carlisle songs "Mad about you" and "I get Weak". They both are great but I choose Mad about you!!
STARSHIP: I loved this group. Man, I didn't realize how much I have aged myself. Oh who cares, great music is great music. So much cool music to pick from but I have to stop sometime. Maybe I'll do another music blog and post my all time favorites. Oh my, I'm all giddy!! Music is inbreed in my soul. Here's Starship:
I feel at peace today. I enjoy sharing the music I love. Makes me remember what's important in life. Take care, Peace!!
August 2, 2010
Paving the way!!
Welcome to August!! I've been on a spiritual quest understanding life and I'm learning ways to make it better. I know I live in fear at times. I'm trying not to do that anymore. I'm not going to be afraid of this Government which they are slowly pushing it's citizens in chains. I'm not going to worry about it anymore because in the grand scheme of things I'm just one person. I can make a difference by showing by example. I want to be a good person by showing respect and love to my family and anyone who I'm blessed to meet.
You know with everything going on in this Country with people being divided I know what's in my heart and I know I'm no racist. I know I'm trying to do the best I can to understand. I'm trying to be a good example to my children.
Like I keep telling my daughter she can get better at playing her Wii Fit by practicing and over time she will get better. She gets frustrated at times because she wants to be perfect right away and I let her know by working hard she will get good. I'm proud of her and she works to her ability and she works at her game. She's getting good at some of those games on there...better than me at some. I also tell her to enjoy what's she's doing and just have fun.
I want to bring out the best in my children yet at the same time I want them to know humility. It's okay to stand up for what you believe in and doing so to be respectful. Violence isn't the answer to getting what you want or bullying to make someone else to feel bad because you feel bad.
I feel blessed I'm on this journey and wanting my family to feel we can make life work under any circumstances as long as we believe we're good hearted people. Anything is possible as long as you work hard and put your mind to it. Take care, Peace!!
You know with everything going on in this Country with people being divided I know what's in my heart and I know I'm no racist. I know I'm trying to do the best I can to understand. I'm trying to be a good example to my children.
Like I keep telling my daughter she can get better at playing her Wii Fit by practicing and over time she will get better. She gets frustrated at times because she wants to be perfect right away and I let her know by working hard she will get good. I'm proud of her and she works to her ability and she works at her game. She's getting good at some of those games on there...better than me at some. I also tell her to enjoy what's she's doing and just have fun.
I want to bring out the best in my children yet at the same time I want them to know humility. It's okay to stand up for what you believe in and doing so to be respectful. Violence isn't the answer to getting what you want or bullying to make someone else to feel bad because you feel bad.
I feel blessed I'm on this journey and wanting my family to feel we can make life work under any circumstances as long as we believe we're good hearted people. Anything is possible as long as you work hard and put your mind to it. Take care, Peace!!
July 24, 2010
I'm a Work in Progress!!
I haven't gotten this far in my enlightenment by myself. I have surrounded myself by good people in my life. We can be selfish in what we want for ourselves but we also need to have good support from the people around us. You as an individual need to help yourself and have a strong moral foundation before you can start helping others.
I have picked my own broken self off the ground may of times in my lifetime. Sometimes I didn't know if I could pick myself back up. It was a struggle. It was pure uncontrollable pain of self despair. I don't know how many times I had to convince myself to keep moving forward. I found hope in my heart even though I didn't believe it. Somewhere deep down in my soul I got the strength to keep going. To keep the hope within my life I had to fight my self doubt I could be happy someday. Someday I can be happy. Someday my dreams can come true. Someday I will understand what love feels like. It was something I held onto even if I was afraid to trust it.
There are many good people in this world. I know it's hard trusting in yourself let alone trust in other people when you're in a state like that. Feeling damaged and changing your situation is the hardest thing you can do. I know I fought changing and giving up some of the control a very hard thing to do. It took me years to finally realize I had to change my outlook in life. I had to start trusting people who truly wanted to support me on my emotional healing. It was hard and it took me along time to just give trust a try.
Now I understand I have gotten to a place in my life where I can look back and learn from it. I learned no matter how hard you try to carry on with life it's hard work. You work on your life. If things are not the way you want them so go change it. I will keep working on my life. I will try and make good judgements and decisions to better my emotional self. If I make a mistake then I'll pick myself back up and start over again. I will learn and make things better. You do what you have to do with what you have at the time. Sometimes it's not going to be easy but knowing you are working towards a healing soul then it's all worth it in the end you made progress to achieve happiness.
I was lifted up by the people I surround myself with. I lean when I need to and I express my feelings when life gets hard. I ask for help and I ask for people to listen. I read books and get inspirational advice and to keep me moving forward. I don't know about you, struggling with life is exhausting, tiring and energy draining. I don't want that. I just know I learned about what I want in life. I learned what makes me happy and I also learned who I want to become. I learned to get to know..me!!
Getting to know who you are will give you a better understanding of what you emotionally need and want. It's a progress and sometimes I just didn't want to work on the effort because it's sometimes hard looking into yourself and see all the mess within you. My inner soul was ugly and I had a hard road a head of me but slowly I worked on myself. When it got difficult to face I gave myself a break and worked on other things and then came back to the most difficult situations I couldn't get passed. Slowly over time things didn't hurt as much, things started to look better. Learning to just let go was hard for me. It's hard when that's the only thing you know how to survive but I saw what I could have and it give me a better understanding I can do this. The pain of healing is a lot better than the pain from self destruction. You slowly learn to love yourself and when you do you realize life starts awaking for you like watching a flower bloom. It's beautiful.
It's the best peaceful and emotional part of wanting a better life. It's like looking at the world with different new eyes and coming out of the dark is amazing. It's like going outside and feeling the sun on your face for the first time and breathing the fresh air. How refreshing it feels. You walk with confidence knowing you can conquer anything you put your mind to. That's life and a pure blessing!! Take care, Peace!!
I have picked my own broken self off the ground may of times in my lifetime. Sometimes I didn't know if I could pick myself back up. It was a struggle. It was pure uncontrollable pain of self despair. I don't know how many times I had to convince myself to keep moving forward. I found hope in my heart even though I didn't believe it. Somewhere deep down in my soul I got the strength to keep going. To keep the hope within my life I had to fight my self doubt I could be happy someday. Someday I can be happy. Someday my dreams can come true. Someday I will understand what love feels like. It was something I held onto even if I was afraid to trust it.
There are many good people in this world. I know it's hard trusting in yourself let alone trust in other people when you're in a state like that. Feeling damaged and changing your situation is the hardest thing you can do. I know I fought changing and giving up some of the control a very hard thing to do. It took me years to finally realize I had to change my outlook in life. I had to start trusting people who truly wanted to support me on my emotional healing. It was hard and it took me along time to just give trust a try.
Now I understand I have gotten to a place in my life where I can look back and learn from it. I learned no matter how hard you try to carry on with life it's hard work. You work on your life. If things are not the way you want them so go change it. I will keep working on my life. I will try and make good judgements and decisions to better my emotional self. If I make a mistake then I'll pick myself back up and start over again. I will learn and make things better. You do what you have to do with what you have at the time. Sometimes it's not going to be easy but knowing you are working towards a healing soul then it's all worth it in the end you made progress to achieve happiness.
I was lifted up by the people I surround myself with. I lean when I need to and I express my feelings when life gets hard. I ask for help and I ask for people to listen. I read books and get inspirational advice and to keep me moving forward. I don't know about you, struggling with life is exhausting, tiring and energy draining. I don't want that. I just know I learned about what I want in life. I learned what makes me happy and I also learned who I want to become. I learned to get to know..me!!
Getting to know who you are will give you a better understanding of what you emotionally need and want. It's a progress and sometimes I just didn't want to work on the effort because it's sometimes hard looking into yourself and see all the mess within you. My inner soul was ugly and I had a hard road a head of me but slowly I worked on myself. When it got difficult to face I gave myself a break and worked on other things and then came back to the most difficult situations I couldn't get passed. Slowly over time things didn't hurt as much, things started to look better. Learning to just let go was hard for me. It's hard when that's the only thing you know how to survive but I saw what I could have and it give me a better understanding I can do this. The pain of healing is a lot better than the pain from self destruction. You slowly learn to love yourself and when you do you realize life starts awaking for you like watching a flower bloom. It's beautiful.
It's the best peaceful and emotional part of wanting a better life. It's like looking at the world with different new eyes and coming out of the dark is amazing. It's like going outside and feeling the sun on your face for the first time and breathing the fresh air. How refreshing it feels. You walk with confidence knowing you can conquer anything you put your mind to. That's life and a pure blessing!! Take care, Peace!!
July 22, 2010
Work Hard and you will Achieve!!
Yesterdays entry I said "I'm on a quest and journey I never thought I would be going on." I've been doing a lot of soul searching wanting to get the best out of my life as I can. I don't think it would have happened 10 years ago or even last year for that matter. It's a time in my life I'm finally realizing I have a purpose and a gift to share with the rest of the world.
We have experiences in our lives which change who we become. We experience choices and make decisions which can effect our outcome. I truly believe things happen for a reason. I'm coming self aware of this process. Things have fallen into place like it's just freaking me out at times. I shouldn't be freaked out about finding my life could be set in stone way before I was born. I don't know and I've been on this new quest to find out. It intrigues me and I'm curious to know what my journey holds.
Things that have taken place in my lifetime and all the good and the bad choices I have made lead me down this path. I experienced things I wish I had never experienced yet at the same time those things have shaped who I became. I'm not proud of my life choices which caused me pain but if I didn't experience and went though them I don't think I would appreciate my life right now.
I remember back in my most darkest times. I've talked about it before on my blog of self destruction and my feelings about it with my eating disorder, when I was raped, my childhood abuse, in my first abusive relationship in my late teens. I have touched a little about that time. I would like to share more. It was a difficult time for me and I struggled with that period in my life until I started looking at the bigger picture of my life.
It's the feeling like you're a victim. I was a victim of life of my own doing. I choose not to be a victim. When you allow yourself to be in a state of personal despair and allow yourself to crumble at every corner of your life when tough decisions need to be made because you can't deal I call that being a victim. Yes, I allowed myself to be the victim because it was easier to cry as a victim then face the hard truth of my surroundings.
Being a child of abuse you don't really realize you have choices because they were chosen for you and you do the best you can do to survive to live through it. I have done unspeakable things to survive. I would share them and my experiences with you but for the safety of my family and my sisters I will not disclose them to you. The reason I won't disclose this part of my life because I'm not here to punish anyone and I'm not here to cause any more pain. I want to express the hope everyone can over come darkness. I will talk about the emotional aspect of what I went through to share and let people understand being a victim only furthers your own personal pain and as long as you don't forgive and allow yourself to move forward you will never heal your own heart.
I never wish pain and destruction on anyone. I would hope my children's journey will never have to deal with what I went through as a child, teenager and when I was in young adulthood. Some of the things I have witnessed and experienced to me were horrible and outright evil. That is something I would rather share that no matter what life throws at you, you have choices to deal with and be healed.
I think for 4 straight years I cried myself to sleep when I was in my teenage years. I was in so much pain it was hard to breath. I didn't want the day to end because the next day would be another day of hell. It was the feeling like my life was slowly being squeezed out of me and I didn't know when the day would come when I didn't know if I could take that one small step to move forward. It was crushing and devastating to know that I felt like no one was listening. I was living in an empty shell of my own existence. You feel so alone like no one can truly understand your thoughts and feelings like the old saying goes "shit happens". Shit does happen but it doesn't mean we can take it as it is. We can take that shit and throw it away.
My journey so far has been a process of up and downs. Right now, I'm self aware of my life choices. I have seen miracles in my life, I have surrounded myself with wonderful good hearted people and I have forgiven the people who have done the greatest harm to my being. There were reasons I went through those tough years. I didn't understand while I was going through it at the time because I was too broken to see the reasons why I needed to live through it. Sometimes when you're in a dark place it's hard to see that life is beautiful because everything in your being is diseased with only the hardship of your surroundings.
I truly believe now I went though those bad destructive times so I can have a better understand of life. I needed to understand the emotions, the pain and the sorrow to truly appreciate life is truly beautiful. I do have a voice and to voice my life through this means of expression to share what I know to people who are needing support or who want a better understanding to peoples humanity. I see life as a gift and to treasure the gift I was given. Love and acceptance of others because we're all human.
I didn't get this far in my 35 years of life by not working hard. I worked my ass off because I knew if I didn't then it would be a travesty. I would waste a perfectly good life because I didn't want to work hard and to learn and to grow. I have learned to love myself in my heart. I have learned to let go of the hardships that were keeping me in chains of self destruction. It wasn't easy. My journey wasn't easy and I have struggled just to let go. I have had long nights just feeling the hurt feelings from my life. I went though self pity until I faced what was keeping me from moving forward.
I accepted my life can be great if I just let go. My greatest gift is understanding hard work and in the end I will achieve an existence of the greatest life of all...love, hope and acceptance of each other. Take care, Peace!!
We have experiences in our lives which change who we become. We experience choices and make decisions which can effect our outcome. I truly believe things happen for a reason. I'm coming self aware of this process. Things have fallen into place like it's just freaking me out at times. I shouldn't be freaked out about finding my life could be set in stone way before I was born. I don't know and I've been on this new quest to find out. It intrigues me and I'm curious to know what my journey holds.
Things that have taken place in my lifetime and all the good and the bad choices I have made lead me down this path. I experienced things I wish I had never experienced yet at the same time those things have shaped who I became. I'm not proud of my life choices which caused me pain but if I didn't experience and went though them I don't think I would appreciate my life right now.
I remember back in my most darkest times. I've talked about it before on my blog of self destruction and my feelings about it with my eating disorder, when I was raped, my childhood abuse, in my first abusive relationship in my late teens. I have touched a little about that time. I would like to share more. It was a difficult time for me and I struggled with that period in my life until I started looking at the bigger picture of my life.
It's the feeling like you're a victim. I was a victim of life of my own doing. I choose not to be a victim. When you allow yourself to be in a state of personal despair and allow yourself to crumble at every corner of your life when tough decisions need to be made because you can't deal I call that being a victim. Yes, I allowed myself to be the victim because it was easier to cry as a victim then face the hard truth of my surroundings.
Being a child of abuse you don't really realize you have choices because they were chosen for you and you do the best you can do to survive to live through it. I have done unspeakable things to survive. I would share them and my experiences with you but for the safety of my family and my sisters I will not disclose them to you. The reason I won't disclose this part of my life because I'm not here to punish anyone and I'm not here to cause any more pain. I want to express the hope everyone can over come darkness. I will talk about the emotional aspect of what I went through to share and let people understand being a victim only furthers your own personal pain and as long as you don't forgive and allow yourself to move forward you will never heal your own heart.
I never wish pain and destruction on anyone. I would hope my children's journey will never have to deal with what I went through as a child, teenager and when I was in young adulthood. Some of the things I have witnessed and experienced to me were horrible and outright evil. That is something I would rather share that no matter what life throws at you, you have choices to deal with and be healed.
I think for 4 straight years I cried myself to sleep when I was in my teenage years. I was in so much pain it was hard to breath. I didn't want the day to end because the next day would be another day of hell. It was the feeling like my life was slowly being squeezed out of me and I didn't know when the day would come when I didn't know if I could take that one small step to move forward. It was crushing and devastating to know that I felt like no one was listening. I was living in an empty shell of my own existence. You feel so alone like no one can truly understand your thoughts and feelings like the old saying goes "shit happens". Shit does happen but it doesn't mean we can take it as it is. We can take that shit and throw it away.
My journey so far has been a process of up and downs. Right now, I'm self aware of my life choices. I have seen miracles in my life, I have surrounded myself with wonderful good hearted people and I have forgiven the people who have done the greatest harm to my being. There were reasons I went through those tough years. I didn't understand while I was going through it at the time because I was too broken to see the reasons why I needed to live through it. Sometimes when you're in a dark place it's hard to see that life is beautiful because everything in your being is diseased with only the hardship of your surroundings.
I truly believe now I went though those bad destructive times so I can have a better understand of life. I needed to understand the emotions, the pain and the sorrow to truly appreciate life is truly beautiful. I do have a voice and to voice my life through this means of expression to share what I know to people who are needing support or who want a better understanding to peoples humanity. I see life as a gift and to treasure the gift I was given. Love and acceptance of others because we're all human.
I didn't get this far in my 35 years of life by not working hard. I worked my ass off because I knew if I didn't then it would be a travesty. I would waste a perfectly good life because I didn't want to work hard and to learn and to grow. I have learned to love myself in my heart. I have learned to let go of the hardships that were keeping me in chains of self destruction. It wasn't easy. My journey wasn't easy and I have struggled just to let go. I have had long nights just feeling the hurt feelings from my life. I went though self pity until I faced what was keeping me from moving forward.
I accepted my life can be great if I just let go. My greatest gift is understanding hard work and in the end I will achieve an existence of the greatest life of all...love, hope and acceptance of each other. Take care, Peace!!
June 3, 2010
Don't be torn to being an individual!!
So I'm torn, why? A part of me wants to shout out and ask people what the hell they are doing? and a part of me wants to just keep to myself and not rock the boat. It's tearing me up. I feel like I have a lot to say and my experiences in my life has given me perspective on life, not in the world views but personal flight. I understand personal pain, I understand being destructive, and I wish I could reach out to people to come back to responsibility for one's own instead of trying to be popular or worried to what other people think about it. So I decided to put myself out there and express myself based on love for humanity!!
Worry about yourself first. Be selfish to yourself and understand what you stand for then what your family, friends and society thinks. It's okay to not fit into the world mold or maybe you want too but make sure you are not killing your integrity. Never sacrifice your integrity for someone else even if other people will condemn you because from experience when you sacrifice your own integrity and it will eat you up more than someone else will. It's not worth it..trust me! Not worth it. Stay true to yourself. No one can live your life but you.
I could be misguided at times and I don't have all the answers but I do know what's in my heart. Life is hard and I know from experience that it is. I also over came some pretty hard situations but it also lead me down to just accepting my personal being. Being an individual, my own unique self then trying to be popular because I say this lightly, being popular changes on a daily basis but being you takes a lifetime. You can see it happening in fashion magazines, TV, Movie's and the media. All those outlets keep changing but you as a person in your heart never do.
My hope is to touch people by there hearts. To remember the humanity from the heart then from religion, country, race, and sex. We are all people, we all have hearts, we all have feelings and that's what I would like people to think about. Come back to looking at life from the hearts point of view with the brain to guide us to be better people.
Our entitlement is to be the best we can be by being responsible for ourselves and not taking other people for granted. Taking something from someone else because you think you deserve it more than they do is not an entitlement to yourself but a self need to be better than they are. It's the "I want" everything and I don't care who I hurt in the process attitude.
Sure, there are some situations where you have been wronged like someone stealing from you and criminal activities against you like rape, murder and such. You should get your justice but not if it's going to crush your heart and you end up losing your integrity. Everyone has there own life stories and we all act differently in the same situation by the environment we all grew up in. Showing compassion and understanding we are all different will make life go a little bit easier. I don't expect someone to know what I'm thinking. I don't expect to be treated the same as someone else with a different skin color, I understand being a women not having a voice in other Countries. I understand that life's not fair and I don't expect it to be but what I can expect is I'm a individual with personal feelings from my OWN life experiences and they are different from YOURS.
So is it fair to say we should all think the same or be a collective? Be the same. religion, with looks etc? Should we all act the same with everyone around us? The answer is No!! Why? Because it will never happen! Why? Because we are all free thinkers as individuals and we all see the world differently as an individual. Please be the best you can be and let other people be the best they can be.
Cindy Lauper says it all in her song True Colors:
You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there
And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
Take care, Peace!!
Worry about yourself first. Be selfish to yourself and understand what you stand for then what your family, friends and society thinks. It's okay to not fit into the world mold or maybe you want too but make sure you are not killing your integrity. Never sacrifice your integrity for someone else even if other people will condemn you because from experience when you sacrifice your own integrity and it will eat you up more than someone else will. It's not worth it..trust me! Not worth it. Stay true to yourself. No one can live your life but you.
I could be misguided at times and I don't have all the answers but I do know what's in my heart. Life is hard and I know from experience that it is. I also over came some pretty hard situations but it also lead me down to just accepting my personal being. Being an individual, my own unique self then trying to be popular because I say this lightly, being popular changes on a daily basis but being you takes a lifetime. You can see it happening in fashion magazines, TV, Movie's and the media. All those outlets keep changing but you as a person in your heart never do.
My hope is to touch people by there hearts. To remember the humanity from the heart then from religion, country, race, and sex. We are all people, we all have hearts, we all have feelings and that's what I would like people to think about. Come back to looking at life from the hearts point of view with the brain to guide us to be better people.
Our entitlement is to be the best we can be by being responsible for ourselves and not taking other people for granted. Taking something from someone else because you think you deserve it more than they do is not an entitlement to yourself but a self need to be better than they are. It's the "I want" everything and I don't care who I hurt in the process attitude.
Sure, there are some situations where you have been wronged like someone stealing from you and criminal activities against you like rape, murder and such. You should get your justice but not if it's going to crush your heart and you end up losing your integrity. Everyone has there own life stories and we all act differently in the same situation by the environment we all grew up in. Showing compassion and understanding we are all different will make life go a little bit easier. I don't expect someone to know what I'm thinking. I don't expect to be treated the same as someone else with a different skin color, I understand being a women not having a voice in other Countries. I understand that life's not fair and I don't expect it to be but what I can expect is I'm a individual with personal feelings from my OWN life experiences and they are different from YOURS.
So is it fair to say we should all think the same or be a collective? Be the same. religion, with looks etc? Should we all act the same with everyone around us? The answer is No!! Why? Because it will never happen! Why? Because we are all free thinkers as individuals and we all see the world differently as an individual. Please be the best you can be and let other people be the best they can be.
Cindy Lauper says it all in her song True Colors:
You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there
And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
Take care, Peace!!
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