To ease my suffering!

The one thing about going to Therapy I'm learning to look at my feelings and understand some emotions isn't a sign of weakness. Last night I read something and it sparked within me that I get it. You know I wanted to be strong in February and I didn't want to get mad because I felt that meant I didn't care for this person or could support him cause I got mad. I'm learning that's not the case. I held onto my suppressed anger from this situation way to long because I was afraid to let it out.

I'm so angry my heart burns because this person betrayed my trust. He sprang news into my soul and then left like what the fuck was that? Nothing and I'm supposed to sit and wait until he decides to contact people. Relationships are not one sided. I'm happy he's moving on but this wait and see is what's killing me and maybe it's that part of me that doesn't like surprises, the part that hates waiting and that part that likes to be prepared. I don't know but I think it's hard to sit and wait to see if he truly cared. I think that's the hardest for me. Did he really care?

I shared the night I was raped and how it destroyed me. The only person I shared that night with was my husband so to me opening up and talking about what I went through was massive. I also talked about having an abortion because I got pregnant from being raped. In the Christian Community, having an abortion you're not very popular and so talking to my Pastor's about why I was leaving the Church and I had enough of my silent abuse. They convinced me of staying within our Church so I stayed because what they said sounded good. Two weeks later I was sitting in my Lead Pastor's Living room hearing from my site Pastor's reason for leaving and stepping down. Then the shock of giving them the respect of not contact them while they are healing. What the fuck? I'm sorry because I'm angry about that. I may process my thoughts differently than the norm but that totally rocked my world and then having no contact with him or his family I was deeply hurt again. That hurt the most for me. Only Silence!

I truly do not like having PTSD but there is nothing I can do about that. My brain is truly wired differently and sometimes my reactions are not of my control. Last Tuesday at our Monthly Leadership meeting for our Church our second location the Leadership decided to close up shop and regroup. My Westside team worked so hard and in two weeks we're done, just like that. A lot of my pain is under the surface so when I'm reacting to stuff people only see one side of things. In public I'm a closed off machine but behind closed doors I'm a mess. All my senses going off at once, my anxiety is on fire and all I want to do is to escape with drugs and alcohol. That's pissing me off too because my husband won't buy me my alcohol. I hate my addictions. In this situation it would be so nice to have had a prescription to Ativan or something. It would be nice to not be able to think for awhile.

What tears me apart is they didn't trust me enough to be there friend and I could have been there but they choose not too. I'm angry because I gave blood and tears for this Church and for what? Nothing! It just breaks my heart and as much as I'm so angry my heart hurts and I'm sad what went down and I'm trying to search for the happiness in all this. All I can do right now is try and that's all I can do and mourn the loss of something I had no control over. Tomorrow may change and all I can do is move on! Take care, Peace!

When life goes crazy.... for real!

This past February had been one crazy month for me and my family. Earlier in the month I overdosed on Benedryl and a lot of it. In my crazy spun up mind I was so tired of hurting, so tired of all the crap going on in my mind. The hurt, the loss of trust, the loss of my personal being and I just wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to lay down and die. It was a very traumatic time for me. The week before my Pastor stepped down and then various situations piled onto it.  Then here was Tuesday night, the kids were in bed, the Husband at a meeting and I was alone. I did what I could in the idea of what I needed at the time. I never felt so crushed, burnt and destroyed in my life. My heart didn't know how to handle all the million a mile thoughts whirling around in my mind. My head hurt and my heart hurt and the taunting, the told you so's, the blunt blow to my heart of all the thoughts pounding through me destroying me one at a time. I felt this was what killed me because I had nothing left to give. This was what smashed my life out and I felt like this was better to end then to keep living like I was being punished just because I existed.

When the medicine wasn't doing what I wanted it to do I texted my Husband. After that I came in and out of consciousness and I kind of remember some of what was going on. I remember waking up in the emergency room and them telling me they were admitting me under suicide watch. My Husband called 911 when he got home. The next morning I felt really defeated and apart of me was upset I didn't die. I didn't want to be brave and deal with my life. I felt like it was a struggle to just survive my life and I didn't want to keep doing it anymore. I talked to the Social Worker at the Hospital and I agreed to taking an Outpatient Program. So the following day I had my assessment and Friday the 8th I started my 15 day program.

I felt relief when I was diagnosed with PTSD and didn't need to take medication. The post traumatic stress disorder was triggered by situations stemming by my Pastor stepping down. I think that really gave me some hope and I decided to put the effort into my program.

I know my family didn't ask for this and I know it was hard on my kids because our schedule changed and it was hard juggling homework and it was a hard 3 weeks. I'm proud of myself for finishing the program. I start therapy in a month and I will join a group therapy in a few weeks too. I'm in a good place. It's been hard and I found my smile and hopefully over time I can heal this part that got trampled on during this hardship in my life.

I felt like I was thrown back into darkness and apart of me felt I deserved to be there, My downfall was quick and painful. I still remember the heaviness on my chest. I hope to never be there again. I hope what I learned from my training will help me in future situations.

I was in my darkest moment in my life and I hope someday I can look back and realize why I went there but until then I'll keep walking with one foot forward one at a time. Take care, Peace!!!!

Wired Differently!

There's nothing left of me cause you thrown me away like yesterdays trash. You drop a bomb into my life and then tell me you want space. How am I supposed to process that? How am I supposed to move on? I trusted the words you spoken. Only silence and you broken the trust of the life you told me I was worth yet then I look into the mirror and I see the opposite of what you see.

You can't expect me to walk this path alone. I came from broken then you promised to raise me up to turn around and smash me on the ground. I feel like I'm losing my way. My heart dragged through this emotional train of despair because you put me there. I just want to retreat from this place because all it's doing is getting me burnt.

Why? Why did you put me here? Why did you even help me? Why knowing you would turn around and destroy the very part of my soul that was healing? I don't understand and I'm trying to find answers to all this chaos because I'm here searching for the meaning of it all. Why you even cared?

How do you expect I would take this news? So confused and I'm trying to fight the voices within. Each day it's a new day and I don't think I'll ever be the same. I don't think I can open up the possibility that what happened will ever change. Broken with my shattered dreams.

You have to give me time to process all of this. I have to fight that once was and look through this with deepen sympathy. Hear my heart because it's crying for you. I'm not angry and I don't know if I can be. I'm just feeling like I wasn't worth enough for you to tell me the truth.

I feel conflicted because my work is to expose men for who they really are. This is where my journey leads me but every time I want to follow my path I get slammed against the wall with your face staring back at me. How hard that must feel for me to be the one who's causing you so much of your pain.

Here I am feeling the raw emotions of fighting back the urge to run. I'm fighting my old life, fighting the feelings of the voices of shame. The voices of blame. The voices of who I never meant to be. This is what you are doing to me and I sit in silence while life going on. Life is moving forward and I'm sitting here fighting with the voices within. Yes, we all need space to process this pain. Yes, we all need time for healing.

I just want to scream my heart out at you. Darkness is creeping in and it's crippling me and I don't want to go back there but you put me there with the exposure of who you really are. Is this my story? I don't think I can live like this. Throw me off this train and let me go because I'm asking you to. On the day we cross our paths again we'll be strangers within the sea of people. You don't hear me no more and that means I got my freedom to dust off the pain

It's my voice of freedom and I can follow my heart song once again. I don't know if that place darkness wants me is really in me. I think circumstance wants to put me there but someday I will look back to see my life's song during this time was never meant to be mine but was meant to be yours.

I have my dreams and I'll keep fighting for what's keeping me going. I don't know where I'll be going but I do know this I'll get past the pain and while I'm sitting here I'll be looking forward because no one will keep me here trying to push me into the darkness again.

I have figuring out to do because I'm wired differently then you. Take care, Peace!

When Darkness slips in!

I am so sleep deprived because last night every time I fell asleep my mind went places so I was up most of the night. I think over all I had about 2 hours of horrible sleep plus the kids are home from school today because of some teacher conference.  So I'm not a coffee drinker but I"m serious of brewing me up several pots of it to keep the caffeine going.

The kids are up playing in there rooms so I have some time to reflect, pray and try not to fall apart like I kept doing yesterday but my heart is sad, it's breaking and I can't reach out and it's really bothering me. I just want to head over to my friends house and tell them my family loves his family. We are here supporting him and will keep supporting him. I want to tell him my journey is giving awareness to minor sex trafficking here in the USA and what I do doesn't mean I'm trying to hurt him.  I want to tell him his weakness doesn't define him. I want to tell him how sorry I am because all the posts I had on Facebook wasn't something he wanted to see all the time especially what he was doing was the very thing I was exposing. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to destroy him or expose his weakness. I didn't know and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!

I hope he responses to my card I sent him. I hope he reaches back because our stories crossed for a reason.    It can't just be this. Oh man, my heart is breaking like waves come over me and I can't breath. I can't apologize for following my own journey but the pain deep within my soul is crying out and the tears reach the surface and I know I have to move on believing he's safe and Leaders of the Church are taking care of him. I have to believe he's on the road to healing and I have to believe this will not swallow me whole and not let darkness in and at times, I'm afraid it all ready has.

I would feel so much better if I knew he was okay. I don't like the unknown and I just want to wrap my arms around him and tell him he's loved. Just because I'm an Advocate for Sex Trafficking doesn't mean I see him differently.

Man, I just want to call him up, I want to send him a Text Message, I want to send his wife a Text Message and I just want to send him an email but at the Emergency Church Meeting his family wants some space so I have to respect their wishes.

I thought the Abortion debate was hard enough but this just tops the cake. I didn't expect this news. It wasn't even on my radar of things to be an issue but here it is facing me. Yes, it's facing me staring right at me expecting me to react to the news like it's waiting for me to move. Will I fall apart or will I rise to the difficulty? I don't even know. My lack of sleep is swaying me all over the place good and bad. Maybe I'll leave it at that and go take care of my children. I just know, I got Jesus this time. Take Care, Peace!

It's a New Year!

Wow, Plenty of good and crappy and just all up anxiety has happened within the New Year. First off, I spent New YearsEve cramped in the house because our Car decided to stop working December 30, 2012. My family only has one Car because our tax paying Budget only covers for one Car and not two so we couldn't go anywhere. I was bummed so I made the family watch the Sound of Music and I loved it and we forgot to ring in the New Year when that time came around. It was past 1 am when the movie got over and my two little children stayed up way to late so we put them to bed and that's about it. Nothing Earth shattering or special other than spending it with my family happened.

New Years Day we decided to take the Bus to see a Movie with the kids. We promised them a Movie over their Christmas Break but instead of taking the Bus we walked instead and it wasn't too far of a walk and we all loved it. We watched the Rise of the Guardian and we all loved it. After the Movie we decided it wasn't too far and we walked to Target and then Barnes and Noble because my daughter got herself a gift card for Christmas and wanted to pick up her New Book from her Wolf book series she's reading. Then for Dinner we walked to Five Guys. Over all it was a really great day and one to remember.

The following day I drank the last of my Diet Rockstars and Diet Pepsi so off to the store we walked. It was a beautiful day, the sun was out and the family was doing good and when we got to the store we took a break and decided to have a snack. That's when the Hubs got the call about our Car. It would cost $2300 to fix the car. I was heartbroken because we were planning on paying off our son's Kindergarten Tuition with that money. We saved it, we didn't spend it and here that money had to be used to fix the car. We need a Car yet at the same time I felt defected like you have a plan and everything is going good and you hit a wall. So we're back to paying each month but still we could have used that monthly expense for something on our list to pay off. It's just a shitty situation all around.

Last Friday January 4th I decided to write an email to my Pastor explaining why I was leaving the Church. It was a heart felt email and explained how I felt and why I felt it and at first, I wasn't going to send it but decided I had to stick up for myself. I'm tired of so called Christian's say they are for Love but keep pointing out sins especially my sin. How am I to heal? with the healing I need to do is about my Abortion, heal that part why I chose the Abortion and deal with the healing of my rape. I can't do that when I'm with several Christian's who say they care about me but then turn around and post hurtful things on Facebook about Abortion. I lost it and I'm hurt so I decided without telling my husband I was leaving the Church.

That was my Stand so after I sent it I had two emails in my inbox, both from my Pastor. First one was my Recommendation Letter I have been waiting 2 months for and our weekly Church News Letter which it read to pray so bitterness doesn't breed hatefulness. Lets just say I felt like the biggest Ass and it just shattered my whole being. I kept myself busy and Sunday rolled around, the Car was fixed and all my Laundry was done and put away, I rearranged my Closet, I went shopping and I spent time with both kids on their various video games and I kept busy because I was afraid if I sat still my mind would wander so Sunday morning I got up, got the kids ready for Church and said goodbye to them and watched them drive away and I sat down and cried and I cried for a good long time. I slept some the night before but mostly I stayed up with the Hubs and talked. I explained why I wrote the letter, I explained my feelings and he seemed to understand and told me I should make some time to sit down with the Pastor to talk about it. I almost had an anxiety attack. So while set up was going on, my hubs and I were texting each other back and forth. He told me he talked to the Pastor and that he read my email and he wanted to talk to me about it. My hubs put in a prayer request for the Church to pray for me and he told me the prayer was really nice by the Pastor which made my heart hurt even more. I have never felt so alone and defected before because this time hurt, this time somewhere deep within my soul needs to be sitting in the pew (okay Movie Theater..aka Church meets in a Theater) on Sunday Morning, serving with kids, being togetherness with Believers in Christ. So when I decided to walk away it crushed apart of me.

Is this where my walk in my Journey I call my life going? Am I just being Human and doing it alone because that's my sin nature or Am I being lead away from the Church because Jesus has other plans for me. I know know and My mind is frazzled and confused and torn. I've been praying, I've been seeking him through worship. I'm singing like crazy and it's driving me a little out of sorts. I guess I want answers right now so I can know what to do. Where am I going? Am I just being a tool and should go back to Church and it's like my Life is in wait mode and I don't like it. Should I go or should I stay? So many questions and zero answers!

My heart is hurting, my soul is crying out and I just want some peace. My mind is all over the place. I kept checking my email every 5 seconds yesterday just hoping but my Pastor is in Southern California on some Pastor Conference/retreat/business and I feel all alone. I also had my yearly Doctor appointments. I guess they changed the guidelines for Diabetes Control which makes my numbers why out of control. I'm being sent to a team of Diabetic Specialists to rein in my control and go back on Insulin. I didn't fight it this time around. I'll take those stupid needles and I'll go to their stupid classes and support groups. I don't want to lose my Kidney's, or eye sight and my Doctor thinks my Chronic Pain is due to my Diabetes and someday the medication I'm taking will not help with that. I don't want that to happen so I'm listening now.

So Here I am on Tuesday January 8th with my heart broken, lonely, feel misunderstood, feeling out of control, and wondering if life will be different this year. I sent in my application for a Volunteer Position to help give awareness for Human Trafficking. My mind is a little nutty and hopefully once I get some time to sit with my Pastor to hash out that needs to be hashed out and I don't run in the opposite direction, life should hopefully settle out again....I pray for peace and I may just get it in the form of a CD today. Chris Tomlin's BurningLight CD is out today and I'm going to go get it later. I'm also going to his Concert in April. I have lots of good things coming down the road. I just hope I get there. Take care, Peace!

The tough decisions!

Today I made a phone call to better my life. I called for Therapy and I feel like I'm defeated and one must protect one's own life and I asked for help. This last weekend was a wake up call for me and I scared my family and frankly, I scared myself.

My self harm to get some sleep made my husband to call 911 because I took too much drugs so I could get a good nights sleep but I over did it and woke up in the Emergency Room hooked up to an IV. It scared me.

Therapy in the past has helped and I know this time it will be better. I never want to put my family in a situation like I had this past weekend. I don't want to self harm myself again. I need to talk to someone who can help me deal with all the crap within my head.

This past weekend was a cry for help and I'm glad I'm strong enough to ask for it. Take Care, Peace!

It's only a matter of time!

My life is like waves crashing against the rock on the shore. Sometimes it's beautiful and peaceful and you can sit and watch the waves coming to shore and it's nice. Then other times it violent and angry waves crashing against the shore and it's scary like the waves are going to grab you up and drag you off to sea.

My thoughts keep changing and I'm changing. My role as wife and mother keeps changing and sometimes it's great and I feel at peace and other times I'm just standing at the edge scared I'm going to fall off.

I promised myself I was going to have a great summer. I promised this year was going to be different because last year I was dealing with Vicodin addiction. So far my summer is what it is and I'm working on just letting things go because I'm learning about myself. I tend to keep things tight and what's harmful for me I tend to repeat when myself unravels. My life is unraveling and I'm at a place where I have two paths to take. One where I know is the hardest way but it's good and the other path which is the easy path but in the end is destructive.

I want to latch on to what is good and I want to hold on but the feeling of abandonment and rejection is hard for me. It's deep within my heart and having to work through that is hard. I would rather drink myself crazy. I would rather numb myself with drugs. I want to feel the underlining of a warm rush though my body then dealing with the emotional trauma within my head so I can have peace and move on. Life would have been so easy if I grew up in a loving and happy home.

Today the hard path wins but it's a matter of time when I can't hold on any longer and the violent waves drags me out to sea and frankly, I think I'm okay with that. Take Care, Peace!!

Falling!

Sometime it comes in waves and sometimes it comes over like a tidal wave that over powers my heart. Anything can set me off, a movie, a song, something and anything. The complete sadness of pain it hurts sometimes to breath. I feel like I'm drowning within this sadness of pain. I have no strength to fight any more. I'm just here living day after day walking with this pain and who do I trust to ask to walk with me?

I realized my husband doesn't trust me and thinks I'm a junkie. I think I love him less for it. 

I would love to feel like I'm enough for him. I would like to feel loved, feel like I'm special and to be romanced once in a while. That's what I want, that's what I would love to feel from the father of my children. Life's not good right now and life is slipping though my fingers and sometimes I feel like I want to give up.

Story never ends. Take care, Peace!!

Come, I'll show you!!

I have deep rooted emotions I've been trying to figure out the past few months. I've been getting "Forgiveness" flashing in my face so I'm working on forgiveness in all aspects of my life and frankly, I suck at forgiving. Things I thought I have forgiven I realized I have not. I've been walking this interesting journey these past few weeks and as much as I've been fighting change on my emotional journey I've been learning more about my life. It's interesting when you just sit and listen. I've been listening and learning more of the ways through my heart it has brought me tears of joy and the layers of brokenness that has collected there full of pain I just pushed aside because I couldn't face rejection within my life. It shouldn't amaze me when the grace of God has touched my life like a silence of light just shining down onto my soul showing me but it does because I'm still fighting the thought that is "Why me?"

Sure, I can give countless accounts of why I'm not worthy of grace, mercy and forgiveness. I realized I have deep rooted trauma within my heart that traps me in fear, anxiety and pain. I know I can't fully move forward until I brake down those trauma's I have stored within my heart, those trauma's I have built because as a child I didn't know how to deal with them emotionally. They are rooted in there so deep and boobie trapped it's crazy how I manage to live.

Lately, I've been angry. My heart is so full of rage right now and it kind of scares me. I have Zero patience for my family. I love my family so much and at the same time I can't stand to be around them. They are driving me crazy with the kids fighting non stop with each other and my husband would rather fix other things then being present with his own family. I just tune out because I'm tired of him coming home grab his computer and play his video games all the time and the only time he helps out around our home is when I've lost it and stream is coming out of my ears. Why is it that he can do things and volunteer outside the home but can't manage to fix and finish projects around his own home? I'm getting tired of living in this chaos and I do think about leaving. Yes, I have thought of leaving my family like walking away I get so frustrated. I am not happy and I'm ashamed my house is the way it is and it's embarrassing to me. I'm embarrassed of my home and my thoughts about leaving the ones I care about the most. I'm so not worthy.

I keep telling my husband I need a break and then the empty promises that come after. I'm starting to think no one is hearing me. I have nothing else to give and I'm on empty full of brokenness!! Take care, Peace!!

I'm stuck in Life!!!

There are so many days these last few months I just wanted to write my feelings out. I've been in a funk since last Summer and I've been working it out but the moment I'm about to sit down and work out my problems on the computer I just wanted to chuck my laptop across the room because I'm so frustrated with life....It's like this battle within my head and everyone just seems to say something that pisses me off and I get angry and I clam up like a shell because that's what I do. I can't be a rational person and when I get offended by someone I clam up into a ball of nerves and I'm just one manic person who needs drugs to sleep at night because if I don't I won't sleep. I will be up all night stewing about something that shouldn't matter.

I also thought maybe I have some mental problem and should seek help but then I come back to earth and realize if I did take some mental health drug I would be happy but still crazy inside.

When I seek answers I just ask the questions and sometimes I like the answers but most the times I get more confused. Like God for examples, I believe in Jesus and I believe in the one who created all things. I read my bible and I go to church every Sunday and I do bible study and I'm soaking in the Lord I enjoy it and I have had my experiences with Christ I can't explain it right and I know I'm not walking my life alone. People would think I was crazy to think I was touched by Jesus and no I wasn't on Drugs when it happened. Why me? Why am I so special? and I will have to tell you I'm not special at all because I'm messed up just like you are.

The problem I can't get over is I had an abortion when I was 23 years old. I've been stewing about this for months now. The brokenness over it is swallowing me up like a tidal wave crashing against the beach. I made the decision to have an abortion because it was a moment in my life I needed so I could live. I was saving myself and people will call me a murderer. What about it's life? I know all the questions and I have an answer and it may have taken me almost 14 years to express and share to whomever reads this blog. I will share it with you.

I choose life and I'm pro-life. Well how could I say something like that if I had an abortion? I believe in life and I may have ended one life but I chose my life. I believed my life was more valuable and I believe I'm worth saving. I may be dysfunctional and I have my faults but too me, this pregnancy would have killed me. I hope you never have to feel how it is to be violently raped because it took away something inside of me and I became broken that night. Apart of my soul died and for the longest time I tried to forget about it. I needed to believe life was good and I wanted to feel safe in a world who hated me.

When you have walked in my shoes and lived the life I have lived up until I was 23 years old, maybe you would understand the choice I made. Do I regret my decision? No, and I would do it all over again. Life can change in seconds and I can't live in fear any longer and hide behind the mask I have created for myself.

When I hear a Christian talk about how evil abortion is or see pictures posted on Facebook of what a fetus looks like at 12 weeks of gestation it hurts a lot. Look, I understand aborting your child is something you shouldn't take likely but ask all those girls and women if their life is important too. Ask them!! I would tell you the tragedy isn't the abortion itself but the act of getting there. People want to place blame because that's what we humans do have to place blame on people to justify their hatred. Of course, opposing abortion isn't hatred when you're the one opposing it but for me, who has had an abortion I find your opinion and your voice full of hate and not at all loving like Jesus teaches.

I just want to scream on the top of my lungs my life is important too when the topic of abortion is brought up or when someone comments on how bad it is but then I get afraid. I don't feel comfortable with conflict so I don't stick up for myself. I understand killing an innocent life is sad and it shouldn't happen but sometimes you don't make that choice the girl or women in that situation who is going through something big in her life decides that option. We should be supporting her, loving her and telling her we will love her no matter what she decides then to shun her because she choose her life or make her feel guilty because she thought her life was worth saving.

Making me feel guilty I had an abortion isn't helping your cause of ending abortion. Posting pictures of unborn babies on Facebook isn't going to change the fact I had an abortion. Making abortion illegal isn't going to stop abortion. That's the point. Women who are in desperate need will find a way to end their pregnancy if it's illegal or not. Jesus forgave me for my sins and I ask for forgiveness on a regular basis and he already forgive me the moment he died on the cross. I don't understand why some Christians feel I should be condemned for something I have been already forgiven for.

I feel like every moment of my life since I was sitting in that Doctor's office afraid to tell my friends I was there in the first place. I was afraid to say I was raped. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to keep explaining what I did. I just want to move on with my life but I wished I had someone holding my hand telling me I was worth it and everything will be alright and my life was important but I was frightened and scared and I was alone. I was alone with no one to look me in the eyes and tell me everything is alright. Each time when the topic of abortion comes up and that part of my brokenness just proves it further I choose the wrong life. It proves within that part of me I'm not worth it and I'm not to be loved and why on this earth I should feel special? This is how I feel this brokenness I call my life sitting on the bathroom floor with tears streaming down my face afraid to say anything but in that moment I scared I'm going to die.

I want to be angry and I want to say something but each and every time I want to say something my body just wants to vomit and I run the other way. How do you explain to someone who believes you are a murderer? How do you express your feelings when they already made up their mind about abortion? I would love comfort and peace within my brokenness and I've been on my knees plenty of times to give me healing within this part of life which is broken. Sometimes when I'm in church and I'm praying to God I start feeling maybe it could happen to me but then I remember and all those feelings comes pouring back into my heart and I'm that lost little girl again asking God why do you hate me? I have faith I can be healed but I have come to an awareness it will not be on this earth. It won't happen in my lifetime but someday my brokenness will be healed though him who has created me.

I am hurting, I feel like I can't trust anyone, like my feelings don't matter and I'm all over the place emotionally because I'm intertwined with abortion. I can't run away from this topic any longer because as much as I want to hide, I cry myself to sleep every night, and I just want to speak my mind but I'm afraid of judgement, I'm afraid and lets just make this clear, I shouldn't have to tell another Christian about loving everybody.......I matter too!!! Take Care, Peace!!!

Don't avoid your Problems!!

So the last few months I haven't slept well. I can't get any single good night sleep. I get chances to sleep but not good rested sleep. I like avoiding my problems. I am good at it and I procrastinate so I don't have to deal with them but you know what...my brain is like ah ha...you need to work this out and won't let me sleep because my brain goes on overdrive right before I go to bed like that very instant I have to deal with stuff in my life.

Too me, it's not important like it bothers me when people comment on Abortion. Okay, it bothers me a lot but I'm great at avoiding my feelings on that. I just ignore them. That's what I do when life feels like it's weighing me down. I ignore my emotions and who cares if I'm crying all the time, feeling all down with myself but someone has to do housecleaning, taking care of a home and organizing my families schedule. I have to ignore something so I figured my problems that dwell within me have to be put on the side burning but apparently my brain didn't get my memo of avoidance and distraction of one's own feelings.

So the last few days I have kept myself up later than I want to so I'm so exhausted I just want to crash from sleep deprivation and the moment I put my head down on my pillow my eyes pop open and I'm wide awake. Yes, I can't sleep and I start to cry because I know I'm avoiding what I shouldn't avoid...remember I got the memo and I just want to distract so I can go to bed. I just want to go to bed because I am one crazy bitch when I don't get a large amount of sleep. I can't function and when I can't function the family seems to be less organized and my oldest doesn't get her reading list done for school and I forget to make her do her homework for a week. Yes, this happened but all is good because I made her catch up. See, things happen when I can't sleep like the importance of a grade school education for my daughter.

So the avoidance isn't working so good for me. I am on over kill on self destruction because of my lack of sleep and life is running on crazy right now. I up my dose of Vitamin D3 pills today because I think the lack of sunlight is also playing a role here too but that's for another time. So anyway, I decided to just be straight up with myself and be honest I'm an emotional mess like I am every year this time because like I just said the lack of sunlight plays apart with my insanity. So I realized I have life cycles and right now I'm in my blue cycle and who knew having a vitamin D deficiency could play apart in my world. So I was talking to a herbalist at the drug store and got some good advice. I would tell you but I don't want to get sued as in legal hell so what works for me may not work for you so get your own herbalist or see a Doctor! That's my advice.

So anyway, I'm trying different vitamins to see if that helps. I'll let you know or maybe not if it doesn't work. Then I decided to work on fixing the other avoidance in my life. I'm going to deal with it. I'm sure my husband will be quite happy when I stop being anti-social. People are good. Okay, a lot of people are good and sometimes a person within my circle of friends will do something stupid that hurts my feelings and I need to move on from that and not take it so personal.

It just gets to me when I go to Church and I learn so much of who God is and I'm wanting that relationship with him and I'm soaking it all in and I'm learn about love and how I should love each and everyone of you all because we're all God's Children even the non believers. So I'm getting the message and I'm applying it to my own life. I'm learning to forgive and heal my wounded heart and all my past hurts and judgement and I'm  giving it all to Jesus because that's why he did what he did for us to take away our sins so we can have ever lasting life with God in Heaven. I was opening my eyes to all the blessings within my own life and how special life is and one's own journey then BAM...my so called Christian Brother does something that just blows up in my face of how not special I am by a decision I made when I was 23 years old. Not only that but I was accused of being just as evil as Hitler and the killing of the Jews during the Holocaust because I have a different opinion about Abortion. Lets just say it stings!!

It was a blow to everything I believe in and also trying to forgive I decided to do more things with the church and joined the ladies book club. Once a month we read a book and then get together and chat about how we love this Christian Book. I thought it would be fun seeing how I love to read and I read a lot so why not. I will not walk away from the church because I would have if this happened years ago. I would have avoided anything to do with the hurt I was feeling. Move on and forget. Not this time and I would open myself up even more to see the good in all this hurtfulness.

Well I'm reading  this months book and I so not think it's great. I down right not like this book. I haven't finished it yet but so far I'm not digging the book and I read all the comments on Facebook how wonderful this book is and I just want to gag on it. Now, do I go and discuss the book and let my feelings be heard on the subject or do I do what I always do and avoid the uncomfortable situation and pretend I forgot about this months book club get together this Friday night? Choices, and trust me I'll rather go and pretend I love the book so I can go hang out with the girls but I can't lie about the book and I would rather not share the reason I don't like the book because that would mean I would have to share parts of my past I would rather leave in my past. Not something I want to talk about with a bunch of Christian women who I see every Sunday and parts of the rest of the week. I even asked my Husband to stop going to small group so I can avoid and distract from the Christian Brother I've been hurt by. It's awkward and uncomfortable for me to be in the same room with this man. My real thought is to go slap that man in the face but then that wouldn't be very Christian of me would it?

Yesterday I was sitting in the car with my husband coming back from spending a lot of money on vitamins for the various medical issues I have contracted over the years and I just sat there screaming in my head WILSON!!! you know from the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks. I was just screaming silently within my head because if I did it in real life that would look crazy and I'm no Brittany Spears ya'll!! And it felt great and I came home and started listening to music that empowers me and makes me feel like I have things handled. It felt good and sometimes I just fall in a hole and just want to sit there and not have any energy to dig myself out of it. I sit and smell the flowers and I stare up at the sky and pretend I'm looking at all the beautiful stars when I can't see through all the thick clouds in the sky. I'm living my life the way I want to but sometimes I avoid and sometimes I hide because it's better to be alone then to sit with someone pretending I have it all together when I don't.

I don't have life figured out and I'm okay with that and maybe my brain just needs to shut up once in awhile because life isn't perfect and I shouldn't expect life to be perfect. I'm the gal who avoids and distracts because that's what life made me into and I wish my brain gets this memo so I can get some good night sleep from now on. See I'm crying here "I Want Some Sleep", so take care, and I can only dream of peace on earth!!

My Blue Season!!

My brain is pretending I'm in a warm sunny weather climate than here in the cold rainy Pacific Northwest!! Did anyone say Sunlight?

Reality Bites!

Why does my heart hurt so much? I kind of know the answer to this question. I have been struggling with life. All around me everyone is living their life and I'm just stuck in an never ending battle with myself. It's raw and hurtful and I don't know how to get myself out of this anxiety of overwhelming pain. My life has changed after the pneumonia. I feel sad, depressed and I just feel like as much as I'm fighting to get better apart of me has sunk into a deep hole of emotional pain. I want my life back and to feel more than this sadness within my soul. I feel like I'm on the edge of life and I'm ready to burst into tears at any moment. I can see where my life is at now and I can see where I want to be like this push and pull of never ending sorrow.

I don't know how anyone can help me. I know my husband can see I'm struggling and I know his troubles are because of me. I can feel it within him thinking he's watching his wife slip away and he feels helpless to do anything. It's just hard because I have tried everything. I asked for medical help because I know my addition to prescription drugs has a hold on me. I didn't get help like I thought. By the medical professional I saw doesn't think I have a problem. I'm afraid to ask again for help. I have this struggle to pick up the phone because of the rejection I got the last time I called. I can't sleep without those pesky drugs but during the day the need for more is hurting me. I know where they are kept and my husband has them in the safe which I can't get too but if I could I would be taking them. That's how bad I am and I'm not on the hard stuff because I can't get to them.

I am learning to not need drugs and I know it's not my fault like it's not the Doctor's fault for prescribing them. I had a reason for needing drugs. I had lung surgery and they were much needed but now after months of healing my body wants them, needs them and I'm left fighting a battle within myself and I feel like I'm losing.

It's so difficult to just shut that part of myself off. I don't want to be hooked on drugs. I don't want this or feel like I should be going through this unnecessary pain of self conflicting struggle but I am. The push and the pull, the highs and the lows, the back and forth is what's killing me. I'm all over the map emotionally and I just want to feel normal again. I just want to smile and mean it. I just want to wake up feeling refreshed because I have forgotten how that feels then waking up with a headache, my body hurting and the need for more drugs. The need for more drugs is so painful. My body needs drugs and each time I give in apart of me falls apart. Apart of me feels like a failure like I don't have any self control. Why don't I have self control? I've tried going cold turkey, I've tried down grading like the Doctor's tell me and every time I try something it doesn't seem to work. I go as long as I can take it. I'm self inflicting and one of these days I'll be back in the hospital and this time I won't be so lucky.

I'm tried the blame game and anger just seems to just make me feel more emotional broken. I'm going away with the family this weekend and I'm hoping to just escape for a few days and maybe when I get back I'll drum up the courage to make that phone call again to get myself some help because I have no where to go and I don't want to live the way I'm living. This sucks and I'm hurting. I hurt and I feel empty and what more of a life lesson to learn than this....sacrificing who you are isn't worth the pain of addition!

Patience!!

So a few weeks ago I hit a brick wall and everything I was going through the last several months came crashing down on my head. I just couldn't handle the way my life was going. I felt I was going down a path on my journey that I didn't feel was my path.

I waited and I listened to my heart and the other day my husband made a suggestion to one of my spiritual problems He made a suggestion to me that I think will work in dealing with our new church. We can serve and at the same time get our spiritual needs met by going to a different church on a different day to fill the need within me. I kinda like the idea. So this is a compromise to a situation I felt conflicted about.

I just needed patience to believe an answer was out there. I needed to understand my answers were not going to come like that day and now I feel better knowing I can serve our church and get the food at the same time. If that means we have to go to another church to do so then that's what my family needs to do for awhile.

I have done a few things around the house to calm my nerves about the chaos within my home. I've given our family room a little face lift and now the weather is getting better I have a plan to de-clutter my home.

It's been great now my energy level has been getting better I can keep up with the daily up keep of the home and it's made me less stressed. The laundry hasn't been piling up each week and it only takes me an hour just to tidy the house up which a few years ago it would take me all week to do.  Of course, I'm not 100% there but if I keep moving forward my home will be the way I want it in a few months. That's nice!! That's peaceful so I can concentrate on important things in life like the world around me. Take care, Peace!!

The pain is too real!!

I'm on an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs lately and frankly I don't seem alarmed because I'm like this every year around this time. It could be lack of sun. The time of year just brings out the worst in me. I don't want drugs. I never want to put myself on prescription drugs again. If I have no choice like last week when I had a really bad sinus infection. I needed drugs for that. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind but then again I would be more concerned if I wasn't going through this.

I wasn't going to write about my struggles about dreaming about John but I feel like I should. I'm sure more people feel this way in the winter months then they want to share. I feel like if I don't talk about my struggles I can't be straight with myself. I know I got it easy. I know my life isn't that bad. I know I think I'm going crazy sometimes because thoughts have popped into my mind I wish they weren't there. My brain is on overdrive. I've been dreaming a lot about John lately. I know I said I wouldn't use names on my blog but you know what? I'm hoping if I just express to the universe I'm frustrated my thoughts will change.

My husband does come here to read  and at this point I really don't care. That's sad to me and it's not like I want to hurt him. It's not like I want him to know I've been having dreams of his friend who I had a small history with. This is who I am, broken with a past of self destruction and emotional sadness.

Today I was actually happy I have lost weight and I didn't fit into one of my favorite dresses. I was also not pleased because I think I can lose more weight. I need to work on this because it's alarming to think I could be falling into my pattern of my eating disorder. I try not to think about wanting to lose weight. I'm working on maintaining the size I'm at but I have to be honest I was actually happy I lost weight.

At this moment I weight 119lbs. My BMI is low to normal but I can fit into my size 4 jeans and in Canada that's a size 6 which is normal so I'm happy. Apart of me wishes I could be smaller. I just have to say it. I have to own my feelings. I have to knowledge my pain. I have to be honest with my thoughts. That's how I have to know what I need to work on. Having an eating disorder you need to be truthful with your thoughts because if you don't then life can be hard. I'm aware of my pain so now I'm talking about feeling happy I'm losing weight. It's out there now. I should be accountable for my actions.

It's not pretty seeing me self destruct this way. It's not pretty I wish harm on myself. It's not pretty!!  It's not right songs I love are being picked off one at a time being manipulated by bad dreams of self destruction. My safe haven is being tainted by self destruction and my downward spiral into darkness.

Sometimes I just want too fall into darkness. The pressure of living a clean life is hard. It's hard work and sometimes the work is not worth it. Sometimes I just want to just give in to living easy. I love this song hero. It meant something special to me. It was one song I could listen too and feel safe. Why does the most cherished songs have to be one of the songs of my fallen down a path of self pity and pain.

Please just let me be so I can heal and be saved. I want to be saved so I don't have to hurt anymore. Take care, Peace!!

Sometimes I just need strength!!

I've been feeling unsettled and sad. I maybe depressed I don't know. My heart is hurting and it's not settling with me. I need something to lift me up out of this chaos of my mental destruction. My brain goes places of self mutilation of my well being. I feel weak and defeated. I'm not supposed to be like this and I don't want to be like this so why am I feeling like I'm all alone?

I want to inspire and to be the one to lift other people up instead I'm having to pick myself up off the floor wrapped with my own tears. It's a struggle of my old life colliding with my new life. It just takes me all my strength not to go back to old habits of my obsessions with my eating disorder restricting my eating or binging. It's mind consuming to keep on the straight path.

Music has always been my blanket of comfort so I'm leaning on it more the last few days to get my head on straight. I've been listening to a lot of Christian Music and it has help some. I'm run down and its heartbreaking. I feel broken and lately I'm just at the brink of just putting my hands up and say that's it. I can't do this anymore and not caring is a lot less work than caring.

I feel like one big phony because in public I have a smile on my face and pretending nothing is wrong yet at the same time I feel like breaking down and crying because I'm not okay. I don't want to show weakness to the world and show I'm a fragile person on the edge of  falling off the cliff into emotional hell. It's the continuing voice in my brain over and over again....You are Not Worthy!! I am not worthy because I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm pretending to be this well rounded individual who has life on her shoulders but in reality I'm just going through the motions of getting by one day at a time pretending life is great. My image is a shattered self portrait of denial and self pity and if only I was skinny.

So I'm learning to embrace my life and accept it just the way it is to love myself in spite of my insecurities of my self destruction. I don't want to be pushed back into the darkness again. That kinda scares me. I just have to keep reminding myself what that life consisted of because I belong, I am love, and I'm worthy. Life will give you road blocks but it's what you do to push through the pain that matters. I'm pusing through and time will tell if I survived this road block in the journey I call my life.

The video I posted.... I love this song. It gives me hope. Take care, Peace!!

It's the time of my Blue Season!!

I feel guilty for being frustrated. I feel overwhelmed my house is in crazy chaos and I can't seem to get ahead. I'm starting to not like our stuff. We have too much stuff and I wish it to be gone. It's not like we need all this stuff. Things are piling up around me and I just can't control this anxiety and it's not like I have help in organizing it. Sometimes I just wonder why I even bother picking up and putting anything a way. I will spend most of my day here and there putting things a way and then later it looks like I haven't done anything. It's hard work for me but do my family care I'm using up the energy I have and I could easily be doing other things I enjoy then cleaning up after them. I want to have a nice home I'm proud to invite people over and right now I feel like I'm living in slob town. I really can't stand living this way. I have all these feelings and then I feel guilty for feeling this way. I should be grateful, I should feel blessed to have all this stuff and it makes for a never ending feeling of shame, guilt and frustration.

This isn't what I want. I wish I could rent a huge garbage bin and start getting rid of 3/4 of all this stuff we have accumulated over the years and my husband doesn't like throwing things out and I want to get rid of everything except all the things we cherish the most. I don't cherish a lot of things we have and it's just here surrounding my space. I don't like clutter and I can only handle so much before my space feels over crowded. I don't like feeling overly crowded. I like openess and I like walking into my space and everything in the room to have it's own space organized and clean. I don't live that way. I just want my home to give me peace. I want to be able to relax instead of seeing all the clutter and all the mess. I wish would be walking into my home and feel good being home. I want to feel good in my home. I cry!!

I got to do something to make me feel better and maybe it's just the time of year I feel like I'm suck in a box and can't get out. I feel awful and I just want to cry all the time and I don't enjoy anything and things that once gave me joy doesn't seem to make me feel any better because it just makes me feel guilty for feeling ungrateful and selfish.

I've tried everything I can to curb my anxiety over my house. I do better when I'm not in it but I feel let down when I come home because the same clutter, the same mess, the same feeling knowing I have to clean it just makes me want to turn around and leave. My home is my home and I want to love my house, I want to feel at peace when I'm home but I can't escape it. My master bedroom once used to make me feel at peace but right now it's storage of unused kids baby toys, baby clothes and other papers and such that doesn't have a place in the rest of the house. I just need to escape this clutter sometimes. Life is too much when you have no where to go. Take care, Peace!!

The Dark side of Life!!

Disclaimer: Fowl language in this Post!!

I get it and I understand life can be hard. I've been in places in my life where it was painful to live. Each day wasn't any better then the next. I understand people love drama for themselves or watching, reading and participating in other peoples drama. It's in our nature and sometimes we enjoy it watching other people suffer and sometimes it makes us feel better knowing someone else is suffering just like yourself. Our society is deep rooted with drama, suffering and sometimes people just need it to have meaning whatever that may be for themselves. I had plenty of drama directly and indirectly in my lifetime and frankly I'm getting to the point I would prefer not to have as much. It's really exhausting.

When you are walking with suffering in your life it really is hard to see the world as happiness. You are angry the world is shitting on you. You see other people with joy and you just want them to fuck off, neither you are jealous of them or really you just want them to fuck off.

Sometimes it's just easier to hate the world and everyone in it then to fix your life. It's like you are so down on your life working to make things better is harder so living your life with discontent is what you're going to do. It's not like you deserve a better life and it's not like you deserve to be happy. It's like you're not worth anything better so why bother changing things. Life is a sack of shit so I'll accept it as my life and struggling with life is at least something.

It's a dark world and you never see the good stuff. You never see the opportunities surrounding your life or the people who love and care for you. All you think is they are just trying to get in your business being all righteous like they are perfect and they just don't understand you. You think they are telling you how to live your life and they don't know you. They don't know what you have been through and they sure as hell need to back off because it's your life and they really don't know how you are feeling. What do they know? They haven't gone through my struggles or my heart breaks so how can they help me besides being in my business. You really don't want to hear it neither it makes you fell like more shit or you hear some truth in what they are saying and it makes you feel like shit for seeing your life like shit. It's never a win, win!!

Of course, you don't want to hear it because of your self worth. When you don't give yourself much respect or credit no matter what anyone says you don't believe them because you don't like yourself all that much. Why would you like yourself? The world is against you and suffering just follows you everywhere you go and you never get a break on anything. It's always something which keeps bringing you down. You have the "got ya" moments to prove life is full of shit. You understand the saying "shit happens" because you are living it.

You feel alone because no one understands your pain. No one understands your circumstances and you have lost friends because obviously they don't care and it's there loss. They were bitches and who needs that righteousness anyway like their shit don't stink. I'm better off without them.

It really is a lonely life. Seeing the world like that is sad and the despair, the pain, the not feeling like you are loved, that no one understands me or can understand me is an empty shell of a life. I happened to live some of my life is this. I went through a period of my life full of rage, sorrow, frustration and anger. No one could hate me more than I hated myself. It's sad way of life. The hard part were the tears of not knowing what was next like it was bad enough you couldn't deal with life the way it is yet more things were piling up on your plate like "Come on....really?" Enough is enough yet you keep living it over and over and it's not like you don't want to have an easy life but getting their would be work. How can you deal with work when you got all this shit to do already?

It's not easy changing your life around and seeing the world differently. It took me years and at times the work was more difficult to deal with but you keep working at it. You keep moving forward with baby steps and when you fall you pick yourself up and you keep moving. You're going to get bruised and feel beaten but in the end it's all worth it. One day you will look back and hold those scars of your life with pride.

This is how I did it. Each time a problem came up as much as it hurt I dealt with the issue. I was straight up with the problem that was burdening my heart. I dug in deep and worked it out so I could let them go so when things got tough those issues wouldn't bother me anymore. Then I moved on to the next problem and worked each issue out until life started looking easier. I could see the light on the other side. Then dealing with my problems were getting much easier. You're going to have short comings and old problems will creep back into your life. You pat yourself on your back and you push through.

The more learning you do about yourself you realize how strong you really were for putting up with all your shitty baggage you were carrying around on your back. The lighter you become by working on your craziness you realize you don't want to carry that shit anymore. It was heavy..damn you it hurt. Then you realize you don't want to live like that anymore. You are strong and you realize how strong you are and it gives you strength to push through the chaos of your life.

When things become easier and you learn you really are worth it then you get hit by a ton of bricks called........ guilt!!! Oh my, my bricks of guilt consumed me down to my core being. How do you get out of that? For me I allowed myself to mourn my past life. I started building my foundation to be stronger and more resistance so when troubles came my way it was easier to deal with. My foundation didn't crumble to the ground every time I was hit with the shit part of life. You can never change the past but only live in the present and hope for the future. To move forward you ask for forgiveness and you give forgiveness and life is not easy but it can be exciting and joyful. The light feels warm and inviting. The dark is cold and depressing. You choose what you are willing to live with.

I prayed on this post to guide me on what I should say. It was not easy on me and at times hurt with sadness. I truly believe in love. I care for you and I understand the dark life and with help I want to hold your hand and be there. Someone out there cares for you even when life is lonely. I learned though my dark times you really can't do it on your own. So you will need to put your guard down and ask for support. Support has been there all along and you just need to reach out and embrace it.  Life is love and life is responsibility!! Take care, Peace!!

Alcoholism!!!

It took me to stop drinking alcohol by fracturing my left arm tripping over a bench. That's right, I broke my arm tripping over a bench. That's me!! I was at my husbands work holiday function in January 2003 and had a few drinks and went outside to have a smoke. I didn't see the bench until it was too late with me lying on the cold ground. I was embarrassed and ashamed because I try to keep myself self composed out in public especially when it came to my husbands work related functions. I don't really want to be known as that girl. You know who I'm talking about. That one person who drinks a little too much at parties and makes a complete ass out of themselves well for me I was that girl for that night but at least, there were only a few people outside when I did it but still I humiliated myself. So I quit drinking. I decided in my heart I really can't just have one drink. I wish I could have one drink like a normal person. I didn't need an intervention or a 12 step program to stop drinking. I just made the hard decision to not have that one drink. For me that one drink leads to another and another until I become drunk. Like I used to say "I'm not drunk, I'm just buzzin'". For me it was an excuse thinking I could handle just having one more. When I quit drinking I thought it would hard to be around other people who were drinking but really it didn't bother me. I was an adult and new just because I CHOOSE to not drink doesn't mean they couldn't. I came to realize living dry as I put it made me look closer to my inner self. I really didn't like myself when I drank. I've done things which broke my own inner heart and for along time it ate me up inside. I couldn't forgive myself for what I did when I drank. I love the social part of drinking, going to bars, hanging with my friends and having a good time but it always got overshadowed by the stupid shit I used to do after I was drunk. For me, I was never the serial free love kind of girl or didn't want to be. I just didn't want to give myself to any guy who gave me the slightest attention but you know what? I was that girl who just gave it up when I was over the limit of alcohol and my guard was down, my morals and values were out the door to the point of no return. That's what alcohol did to me. My moral compass got shot after I had too many drinks and I had fun without no consequences. It was what it was. Stupid!!! I also became a serial cheater on my hubby when we weren't married yet. I justified cheating on I was lonely and our relationship was long distance but really I didn't have proper judgement when I was drinking. Nope, no good judgment. I'm not a serial cheater in my heart but I became one. I became someone I didn't want to be. Why would I cheat on someone I loved who I wanted to be with? I don't have the answer because it got clouded by alcohol. If I wasn't an alcoholic back then I wouldn't have cheated and that's fact. I never slept with someone when I was sober and the relationship I had with my husband's best friend wasn't a sexual relationship and yes, I cheated emotionally and sometimes some people find that harder to forgive then just cheating by one night stands of pure lustful sex. Cheating is cheating when you're not fully with your significant other and like I said, my husband forgave me for that. Some of the guys I don't regret sleeping with. Some of them were friends like you would call with benefits, the booty call kind of way. I cared for some of them and it was what it was. Now, most of them I could just forget about. I could pass this time in my life where I was just experimenting but I was in a relationship and it doesn't make it right. I really had two major relationships in my life. The first one I was in for 7.5 years which didn't work out because of abuse and it wasn't that great and my relationship with my hubby. I love my hubby and I'm glad he never gave up on me even when I told him the truth. For me to get better I had to let him know what happened. I couldn't go on being with him based on a lie. I could never heal my heart and be the better person who I believed I wanted to be if I didn't tell him of the cheating. For me, I couldn't be with him knowing I had this secret. A secret of infidelity he should know about before we got married. It took time and I worked my butt off to make him understand I loved him and wanted to be with only him. That's why I believe in my marriage vows so much and I truly believe them and it's why I'm still embarrassed of the things I did when I was drunk. I will never cheat on him. I couldn't, and wouldn't put myself in a situation where their is temptation to do so. That part of my life is over and I understand the ramifications of the consequences of the affects of cheating. I don't ever want to re-live that part of my life again. Now I'm slowly healing my heart, healing that part of my soul I destroyed by drinking. I went into a depression after I came to realize I don't want that life. Why would I allow myself to self destruct like that? Lots of factors on self destruction but one thing I could change was to stop drinking. I had the choice to at least, do that! I really don't want to be that person. Drinking for me only leads to unwanted drama neither I was causing it or someone else. It's really not worth it. Now yes, I have had alcohol since then but it's been more in a controlled environment. My hubby and I drink wine at night together but not in access to the point I can't function. I'm also not drinking to hide and run away from my inner demons anymore. I still believe I'm an alcoholic but at least I know I have a limit and I'm aware I just can't have that one drink!! Take care, Peace!!

Depression is beneath me!!!!

I swear I get paranoid about Depression because I've been told it's in my DNA and I have family history of depression so it's like I'm always looking out for the signs of depression. It's like I doubt myself thinking maybe I am depressed but I really don't know. The doctor's were concerned after giving birth to my first child I would have serious post-partum depression but I didn't. I think I fought so hard to have my daughter I wouldn't let myself not bond with my daughter. It's wasn't an option for me. I do know I get a little blue in the fall and it could be a mild depression but it also could be my allergies get really bad in the fall, the weather could be a factor but it's not like hey, I may have a problem I should go see a Doctor and be put on drugs. I've tried anti-depressants before not for depression but for my eating disorder and hey, my body did NOT like those pills. Talk about Depression. I think I was more messed up on anti-depression drugs then before I took them. A drug to change the chemistry in your brain to me doesn't seem good. I'm not an advocate for drugs but hey, if they help other people then that's great for them but not for me, I didn't feel normal on them. You would think they were supposed to help but I was a numb shadow of my formal self and no, I didn't think they helped me. I managed to get though 4 years of therapy without drugs because I feel like drugs only mask the problems and I wanted to deal with my post traumatic life head on and work through it and I felt drugs wouldn't help me work through all that mess I called my life. I'm so self aware of depression I think I may push myself towards depression because I'm so freaked I may get it. It's like this doom I have over my head. Then I think okay, I may get depression and is it really the end of my life? I may never get depression on the fact I'm so worried I may get depressed. Sure I get sad and it's normal to be sad at times but my life doesn't stop when I get sad. I just listen to some music and cry my heart out and then I'm all fine again. This time a year I think about depression more because I do get blue feeling. I'm not as social and I tend to keep to myself but like I said it's the time of year. I don't feel so good this time a year with my allergies and other factors so of course, I just want to be a hermit for a month or so but it's not like I lock myself in a hole and just give up on living. Okay, sometimes I want to do that when the kids are screaming and running around and my head wants to explode from all the loud noise. Being serious again. I think I'll be okay and maybe it's a good thing I'm paranoid and I'm more aware of depression so if my life starts to slide downhill I'll have enough smarts to get myself help. Until then I'm just paranoid. Take care, Peace!!!