I feel guilty for being frustrated. I feel overwhelmed my house is in crazy chaos and I can't seem to get ahead. I'm starting to not like our stuff. We have too much stuff and I wish it to be gone. It's not like we need all this stuff. Things are piling up around me and I just can't control this anxiety and it's not like I have help in organizing it. Sometimes I just wonder why I even bother picking up and putting anything a way. I will spend most of my day here and there putting things a way and then later it looks like I haven't done anything. It's hard work for me but do my family care I'm using up the energy I have and I could easily be doing other things I enjoy then cleaning up after them. I want to have a nice home I'm proud to invite people over and right now I feel like I'm living in slob town. I really can't stand living this way. I have all these feelings and then I feel guilty for feeling this way. I should be grateful, I should feel blessed to have all this stuff and it makes for a never ending feeling of shame, guilt and frustration.
This isn't what I want. I wish I could rent a huge garbage bin and start getting rid of 3/4 of all this stuff we have accumulated over the years and my husband doesn't like throwing things out and I want to get rid of everything except all the things we cherish the most. I don't cherish a lot of things we have and it's just here surrounding my space. I don't like clutter and I can only handle so much before my space feels over crowded. I don't like feeling overly crowded. I like openess and I like walking into my space and everything in the room to have it's own space organized and clean. I don't live that way. I just want my home to give me peace. I want to be able to relax instead of seeing all the clutter and all the mess. I wish would be walking into my home and feel good being home. I want to feel good in my home. I cry!!
I got to do something to make me feel better and maybe it's just the time of year I feel like I'm suck in a box and can't get out. I feel awful and I just want to cry all the time and I don't enjoy anything and things that once gave me joy doesn't seem to make me feel any better because it just makes me feel guilty for feeling ungrateful and selfish.
I've tried everything I can to curb my anxiety over my house. I do better when I'm not in it but I feel let down when I come home because the same clutter, the same mess, the same feeling knowing I have to clean it just makes me want to turn around and leave. My home is my home and I want to love my house, I want to feel at peace when I'm home but I can't escape it. My master bedroom once used to make me feel at peace but right now it's storage of unused kids baby toys, baby clothes and other papers and such that doesn't have a place in the rest of the house. I just need to escape this clutter sometimes. Life is too much when you have no where to go. Take care, Peace!!
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