Sometimes I just need strength!!

I've been feeling unsettled and sad. I maybe depressed I don't know. My heart is hurting and it's not settling with me. I need something to lift me up out of this chaos of my mental destruction. My brain goes places of self mutilation of my well being. I feel weak and defeated. I'm not supposed to be like this and I don't want to be like this so why am I feeling like I'm all alone?

I want to inspire and to be the one to lift other people up instead I'm having to pick myself up off the floor wrapped with my own tears. It's a struggle of my old life colliding with my new life. It just takes me all my strength not to go back to old habits of my obsessions with my eating disorder restricting my eating or binging. It's mind consuming to keep on the straight path.

Music has always been my blanket of comfort so I'm leaning on it more the last few days to get my head on straight. I've been listening to a lot of Christian Music and it has help some. I'm run down and its heartbreaking. I feel broken and lately I'm just at the brink of just putting my hands up and say that's it. I can't do this anymore and not caring is a lot less work than caring.

I feel like one big phony because in public I have a smile on my face and pretending nothing is wrong yet at the same time I feel like breaking down and crying because I'm not okay. I don't want to show weakness to the world and show I'm a fragile person on the edge of  falling off the cliff into emotional hell. It's the continuing voice in my brain over and over again....You are Not Worthy!! I am not worthy because I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm pretending to be this well rounded individual who has life on her shoulders but in reality I'm just going through the motions of getting by one day at a time pretending life is great. My image is a shattered self portrait of denial and self pity and if only I was skinny.

So I'm learning to embrace my life and accept it just the way it is to love myself in spite of my insecurities of my self destruction. I don't want to be pushed back into the darkness again. That kinda scares me. I just have to keep reminding myself what that life consisted of because I belong, I am love, and I'm worthy. Life will give you road blocks but it's what you do to push through the pain that matters. I'm pusing through and time will tell if I survived this road block in the journey I call my life.

The video I posted.... I love this song. It gives me hope. Take care, Peace!!