Move over and make some room!

New changes are coming my way. I was knocked down pretty hard and sometimes I don't want to ask why but I do want to know the answer for why. I'm not going to live my life in the dark, I'm not going to allow my heart to be crushed and I'm going to try my hardest to stand on my own two feet when the wind blows.

I'm going to make more room to for what makes me happy, I'm going to look through the eyes of pure love then if the world is hating me. I know it's going to be better for me. When you have seen the darkest of lows you know what's staring you straight in the face if it's good for you or not. Changes are coming and it's like an fuck you to the devil and I'm not going to allow him to steal my happiness.

It's been along road of destruction in my life. I'm dealing with a heavy blow to my inner peace but I'm slowly coming back from that. I'm going to make some serious changes to my life. I'm working on fixing a lot of me that's still broken. I'm working on the inner me because my children are worth it and my relationship with my husband is very important to me and he's worth it to me.

I can't promise anything but I know that I can only go is up because living in darkness sucks and as much as I felt pressured to become an idea of what a Christian I should be it has hurt me. I decided to be who I am because that's all I can be. I don't need a label to tell me what I'm not but be the person God has intended me to be. I just want to treat people like I want to be treated. I may be a shy and quiet person but I have a lot to say and I'm ready to shine a light in this world.

Love and Peace!

When the ship goes down!

I have a friend who in my heart is a good person who loves everyone like Jesus loves this world but he has his sins like everyone else does. You may think so what? what's the big deal? Well when you belong to a Church and have a leadership roll (and I don't quite get it)  and when you have sinned like this you end up having to step down from your leadership roll. It rocked my little church family and it has rocked me. I love this guy cause he's good and I'm not angry and my heart hurts for him and his family.

I'm not taking the news well. My world got shattered once more but you know God's going to lift me up and lift my friend up and he's going to get through this season and even though our lives crossed journey's in the end it will be all for God's Glory. I believe this and when I'm healing my heart and I step up in faith I'm doing what God's calling me to do and I'm going to forge through with giving awareness to minor sex trafficking. I'm not going to let this circumstance stop me from doing what's best.

He is forgiven in my eyes. He's not to walk in shame. He'll get the help he needs and his family will overcome this. I knew something was off this past weekend and their absence from Service this past Sunday made me reach out to his wife. I'm not going to let the enemy win.

I know why our life journey's crossed paths because his journey and mine will help me heal me and help him heal him. I will support him and maybe someday he will know I don't see him differently then the loving person he is.

When you're in the line of work as I'm going into as being an Advocate for Sex Trafficking and you have a friend who let the enemy destroy  in his weakness I can see why he would be worried how I would handle the news. I let him into my world, telling him my secrets, my pain, my distrust with men and I know it hurts deeply like the stabbing in my heart. I know that's not him. He's good and I'm not going to let Satan bring him down.

I just want what's best for my friend. I support him and his family even if I never see him again. He has a friend in me.  Take care, Peace!

When Life Stops!

I truly understand how my Hubs must of felt when his world stopped when I got Pneumonia almost two years ago and I was in and out of the Hospital.

Yesterday was my turn. I woke up like I always did and my hubs was home telling me we needed to go to the Emergency Room. His whole left side was numb, his upper back hurt and various other symptoms. I was upset he didn't wake me up sooner. I slept in until 10:30 am and he took the kids to school at 8:25 am. I was not pleased he waited that long because I was thinking blood clot or stroke.

We got to the Emergency Room checked in and I told him to call his Mother and let her know and she would have to pick the kids up after school and take care of them until we got any news back. When they took his vitals his blood pressure was high and that worried me.

When they called him back it took awhile until we saw the Doctor and when he did finally come to see my Hubs he decided to order a Chest X-ray, blood tests, an MRI and the ER Doctor wanted to consult the Stroke Team. Heart Problems is high in my Hubs family Medical History. It scared me and I tried keeping it together.

So during various trips to get food or a drink I kept reports going on Facebook and I texted his Pastor. I haven't gone through something so scary before. He's the love of my life, he's my Rock, he's everything to me and I'm waiting for bad news, I'm preparing for the worst and what I'll be facing. I can do this, I can be his Rock now. I needed Jesus to get me through this. I need him to carry me through this so I can be there for my Hubs. I had to be strong for him because he did it for me. Life may get hard and I was preparing for that. I will be strong.

After 5 hrs and a bunch of tests later he will not be dying anytime soon but he will need to see his Primary Doctor for more tests to find the cause for his numbness. He didn't have a Stroke, he didn't have any blood Clots and his Heart is Healthy, his Lungs were Healthy and his blood work came out really good. Thank you Jesus. I can breath now. Take care Peace!

Her walk with Jesus!!

Baptism Service

Date:Sunday, July 29, 2012 

Time:12:15 PM

Place: Phoenix Inn Suites

Today my 7 year old daughter choose to be Baptized and in front of about 20 people including her Grandparents she was Baptized in Christ.

Ryan hugging his daughter after she was Baptized.

This is my daughters favorite worship song on this Kids Praise CD is Blessed Be Your Name. I've found a version on YouTube for you. Today was a special day and we're so proud of our daughter for choosing this path in her own life.

Summer Vacation!!

School is out tomorrow and because life was kicking me in the butt I've decided I'm going to enjoy the summer before School begins in the fall. I'm going to make an honest effort to be present in my kids lives and we, as a family going to go out and enjoy what life has to offer. This is going to be a new beginning in my life......too new beginnings!!  Take care, Peace!!!

My Rock which keeps me here!

Avery is my beautiful 7 year old. She loves Unicorns, Books and Jewelry. She enjoys Gymnastics and Dancing. She is wicked at playing video games and most things she tries comes easy to her. She's the Sunshine of my life. Her little Brother is Jeremy and he's 5 years old. He has a sweet nature and looks up to his big sister. He loves Elmo, Helicopters and just likes to observe situations. He's my little buddy and I'll miss him once he starts school in the fall. They are what gets me up in the morning and they are so worth it!! Take care, Peace!!

Come, I'll show you!!

I have deep rooted emotions I've been trying to figure out the past few months. I've been getting "Forgiveness" flashing in my face so I'm working on forgiveness in all aspects of my life and frankly, I suck at forgiving. Things I thought I have forgiven I realized I have not. I've been walking this interesting journey these past few weeks and as much as I've been fighting change on my emotional journey I've been learning more about my life. It's interesting when you just sit and listen. I've been listening and learning more of the ways through my heart it has brought me tears of joy and the layers of brokenness that has collected there full of pain I just pushed aside because I couldn't face rejection within my life. It shouldn't amaze me when the grace of God has touched my life like a silence of light just shining down onto my soul showing me but it does because I'm still fighting the thought that is "Why me?"

Sure, I can give countless accounts of why I'm not worthy of grace, mercy and forgiveness. I realized I have deep rooted trauma within my heart that traps me in fear, anxiety and pain. I know I can't fully move forward until I brake down those trauma's I have stored within my heart, those trauma's I have built because as a child I didn't know how to deal with them emotionally. They are rooted in there so deep and boobie trapped it's crazy how I manage to live.

Lately, I've been angry. My heart is so full of rage right now and it kind of scares me. I have Zero patience for my family. I love my family so much and at the same time I can't stand to be around them. They are driving me crazy with the kids fighting non stop with each other and my husband would rather fix other things then being present with his own family. I just tune out because I'm tired of him coming home grab his computer and play his video games all the time and the only time he helps out around our home is when I've lost it and stream is coming out of my ears. Why is it that he can do things and volunteer outside the home but can't manage to fix and finish projects around his own home? I'm getting tired of living in this chaos and I do think about leaving. Yes, I have thought of leaving my family like walking away I get so frustrated. I am not happy and I'm ashamed my house is the way it is and it's embarrassing to me. I'm embarrassed of my home and my thoughts about leaving the ones I care about the most. I'm so not worthy.

I keep telling my husband I need a break and then the empty promises that come after. I'm starting to think no one is hearing me. I have nothing else to give and I'm on empty full of brokenness!! Take care, Peace!!

Life is slowly moving!

A week can make a girl feel special and my family vacation did just that. I guess I needed to be in the middle of no where in a tent for a few days to unwind and relax with the family. The kids were great in the car drive seeing how we were all cramped in a full car packed with everything we could need to go camping in our Grand Prix which by the way my husband and I realized we out grew our car on this trip. Someone will be researching SUV's soon which means that's me. Our 5 hour car ride was great. Buying one of those portable DVD players was a great investment and we had two happy kids and two happy parents. We left home at 5:30am so we could get to our campsite so we could relax and set up camp before it got too late.

We ended up buying all the gear for fishing. My 6 year old daughter loved fishing and caught a few. My 4 year old  fished for about 5 minutes and then he was done. He didn't last long and it was a joy to sit still, be quiet and just look at the beauty of nature. It was quite inspiring and peaceful. The kids had some moments but what kid doesn't and overall spending a quiet peaceful vacation is what we needed. The kids thought our tent was cool and didn't mind sleeping in sleeping bags. I was a human Popsicle the first night because it got so cold but after that we all were warm and it was nice. I wish we could have stayed longer but our beautiful daughter started school yesterday.

We left Sunday for our drive back home but not without some drama. I ended up getting sick like vomiting. About 2 hours in my Husband flagged over EMT's and I was driven to a Local Hospital in an ambulance. I was hooked up to IV's and I waited in the waiting room. Then I got worse with vomiting up blood. I was not in good shape. When I was finally called to an ER room I was hooked up to various machines, had various tests done, and after hours of tests and more tests, given drugs to make me feel better, the vomiting stopped and the Doctor told me to contact my own Doctor about my heart and he sent me on my merry way. In the meantime my husband and children stayed at a nearby Hotel for the Night because we were far from home. The kids loved the hotel stay and I got to go back in the morning and take a nice long hot shower before we took our journey home once again.

Tuesday arrived bright and early and we said goodbye to our first grader and I'm happy to say she will have a great school year of many possibilities. I did enjoy the house of peacefulness with only one child at home but when I went to pick up the daughter at the bus stop the loudness came back and life was normal again.

We had such a great family vacation in a few weeks we're going on a mini trip again to enjoy our family once again. We will be going to Forks, Washington this time. I just want to say I went to Forks and La Push. I may tell you if I met Edward and Bella Cullen's or meet any Vampires. That's funny!! I realized our family needs these kinda trips. We need going away from our daily lives to explore what life has to offer and it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. I got a lot out of life this past weekend. It was needed especially when life is hard with medical problems to just enjoy what's important and to me that's spending time with my family. It was nice seeing life through my kids eyes and the excitement of exploring something new with them.

My health is what it is and I just need the patience to endure until my body figures out how to function right. I made an appointment to see my Doctor next week and I'll be asking for a plan so I can get my life back to some normalcy.

This week I have great reason to celebrate and also mourn the 10th anniversary of 9/11. My Church is launching a book of 7 testimonies of life stories of people from our church. I can't wait and I'll be praying and thinking of the lives lost. Take care, Peace!! Jesus died for all Sin including yours!!

Life goes by too fast!!

March Madness is right. This month passed me bye like a thief in the night. Lots happened this month and way too many to count. My daughter is officially 6 years of age. My family got plagued with the flu and with me taking a trip to the Emergency Room and a lovely stay in the hospital for a few days. My daughter got to have her sleepover with her grandparents over her break and I wish the circumstances were better but she felt she had the better end of the stick.

I'm recovering from a really bad cold or allergies I haven't figured that one out but at least, I'm not in the hospital anymore with bad food and an IV in my arm. I didn't even have time to write out my thoughts which to me could be a bad thing but oh well, this month is almost over. April is coming on fast and I thought March was pretty overwhelming and stressful April may just push me over the emotional cliff but as always I will overcome with style and come out of April a stronger person or more dysfunctional. Who knows, but I hope the month of April goes bye just like March plus I need the weather to turn to spring so I don't have to wear so many layers of clothes to keep my bones from freezing.

I'm here and someday I will have something more exciting to say but until then....take care, peace!!!

Along way home!!

Sometimes I think about death. It's not like I want to die but I do think about it and what would happen if I died...and did I do enough to set my kids up to be okay without me? What do I want my legacy to be for my children?

I have all kind of questions I think about and try to find answers to some of them. I just think if I'm doing enough in regards to my family. The answer is no, and maybe the answer will always be a no, I'm not doing enough.

I have so much I want to teach my children about life, compassion, love and respect for oneself and respect for others. I want them to grow up to be leaders of good moral standing. I guess most mothers have these similar goals for their children.

So right now, I'm not ready for death. I'm not ready to leave this earth yet. I have so much to learn and so much love to give to my children and I'm sure life would be fine without me. I'm just selfish if I died today someone else would fill my role as mother to my children. I'm sure my children would adjust to any situation but I want to be mother, I want to be the teacher and I want to comfort my children when their hearts get broken. I want to watch all their milestones of ups and downs, their achievements, and their mistakes. I want to know them throughout their life to watch them be who they are as people.

Then what do I do if I don't want to die today? I give my children all that I can give today and everyday. I show them compassion, teach them about love and just support them and then the rest is up to them. I will never be 100% ready to leave them so setting them up to be strong, loving people who want to give something of themselves to humanity for the better of humankind then I'll at least feel like I did my part as a mother.

I always want my kids to try their best...Just try, I tell them. You can't do anything if you don't at least, try!! If you can't do it on the first try then do it again, and again until you get it. Life is frustrating but I want my children to know if they wait for someone else to give them happiness they will be waiting along time. Happiness comes from within not by material things. Material things are nice but they are not everything. You are not defined by what you have (material wealth) but what you give from your own heart.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not ready to die today or die tomorrow. I want to be selfish and be a spectator in my children's life journey to see them as they are today and what they will become tomorrow. I want to be apart of that. I want to be their mother, be there cheerleader, their shoulder to cry on and most of all I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.

Someday I will die but at least, I will know I did my best when I do. Take care, Peace!!

Reality!!

The joys and crappy part of motherhood. Oh my, in between screaming to my kids to stop screaming I'm cleaning up all the crumbs and spilled drinks after lunch I look around and my first thought is to run out of the house pulling at my hair of extreme proportions of what was I thinking of wanting to be a mother but then the calms comes and the house is quiet for a few minutes and I'm reminded of the joy it brings to my heart WHEN the kids are getting along and out of the blue I get I love you mommy.

On the days where I'm being referee between my kids neither one trying to poke the other one in the eye I have to remember they truly love each other. Okay, I can only dream my kids love each other. Sometimes the chaos can't be normal. Our dysfunction can't be normal and I'm just this crazy mother just getting through the day in one piece and hoping my kids won't end up writing a book about me when they get older of how I ruined their lives.

I still after almost 6 years of being a mother my house is still dirty and messy. I have been told I should just let it go because that's the way it is with children. You will never sleep again, you will get worry wrinkles and your house will never be clean again but it's all worth it. So it's worth it and sometimes I wonder if these other mothers are only kidding themselves because being glued to your table by sticky fingers isn't my idea of worth it or being puked on, or laying in an uncomfortable position when your child is sick is really worth it to be a mother. It's all the great life challenges that are worth it that brings joy to my child's face is worth it.

Standing out in the cold waiting for the school bus isn't worth the joy in motherhood but it's a joy when the bus comes and your child bounces off the bus running into your arms because they miss you is worth being a mother. Those are memories that keep me from running out the door because as much as my kids can be difficult, never listen to me or annoying the crap out of me they are still apart of me and their cuteness always reminds me of why I wanted to be a mother. Take care, Peace!!

So long 2010!!

Well it's the time of year to reflect on the old year past and look towards a New Year coming. My blues have gone. I'm not so emotionally unstable anymore. My relationship with God is a bumpy one at best but I'm slowing surrendering my control over to God but I'm not quite there yet. Maybe this year with be the year of salvation for me.

Well Christmas was wonderful and traumatic all wrapped up in one little package. My 3 year old son decided he wanted to go super fast while he was standing on a swivel computer chair which he fell off and bit threw his lower lip which we spent over 3 hours at the hospital getting him stitched up. The process of the experience was horrible watching your child screaming for the doctor to be done while he was strapped down on a board with needles being poked in his face, tubes pushed through his lip to clean out his wound. It was something I hope I never have to go through again. This happened in the evening so we still had a great morning and was able to visit the rest of the family. My poor boy was so tired after his stitches he curled up in his fathers arms and fell asleep.

Today of all days our son got his fingers caught in our bathroom door and got some skin ripped off his little fingers. He can't wait to start the New Year. The last week hasn't been nice to him.

All in all this year compared to years past wasn't so much on the shitty list. It's been a building year with my health getting better, the family going to church, getting more fellowship and the daughter starting Kindergarten, the son in his early intervention class and the hubby and I got to get away to our favorite spot Reno for a few days.  We are blessed and I'm wishing everyone a blessed 2011 and see you next year. Take care, Peace!!

Self Pity has left the building!!

I'm going to make the effort to not be let down by life. The last few weeks have been a drain on my soul. I was struggling to figure out things and old habits were creeping up that I had to challenge my being and I won. I wouldn't call it silly but the way I was behaving I really don't want to be like that. It's not who I am or want to be so I fought hard and I'm thinking clearer now.

The next few weeks are going to be magical and it's my job to make my children feel the wonderful feeling of giving then the whole commercializing aspect of Christmas. Simple yet special. My kids had a blast at Toys R Us this past weekend. They both picked out gifts for Toys for Tots with no tantrums of not getting any gifts for themselves. It was nice seeing their happy faces picking out gifts they wanted to donate and I was surprised of their choices.  It makes a mother proud. We're also doing other things this year I would talk about but that's between my family and God.

Life is good and I'm thinking clearly and feel good, not well but good. The warmth of love I'm surrounded by gives me hope we can survive anything. I'll rather be poor and happy then controlled with entitlements. Give because you want too not because you feel you have too!! Take care, Peace!!

This is what I'm talking about!!

Well it's Wednesday and I'm getting a hang of this single parenthood. This is the easy I'm looking for. I don't mind easy and I can live with easy where I don't feel like life is a struggle where I can live without pressure, without fighting, without tears and without having to take a break because life seems too hard. I like this and it makes life so enjoyable.

Today is easy but I do miss my husband and I can't wait until he comes home in a few days. The kids think it's cool they can video skype with there father. I'm happy I can video skype with my husband and actually get to see him. It's better then talking over the phone!!

Well Life is good, the kids are still alive and I have the best family and friends in the world and my husband still loves me!! Take care, Peace!!

Change is Good or is it?

It's 9 in the morning and I'm having popcorn with my son. We're sitting here enjoying Dora the Explorer and having a bowl of salty buttery popcorn. It's quite satisfying. This is a good change. I can enjoy this.

Since my daughter started her school career I've been lagging behind in my own life endeavors. I have so much I want to do but it seems like the weeks are just flying by. My weekends are busy busy and I'm not complaining about that but I do need to just relax and maybe I should schedule it in between nap time and homework.

I'm not completely healthy so balancing my time and making sure I don't have a burn out is like juggling. It's a process and lately I'm not so good at it. I'm figuring out what works best for me. I'm not getting much sleep because I'm spreading my time between my family members which it doesn't give me enough time to get the allotted sleep I need to make it through my day. I know, and I need to figure this out before I land my butt in the ER again.

Which I'm in a panic now because as much as I'm working on my schedule to balance out my life so I don't neglect my own needs....... I'm coming down with a cold!!! I can handle a cold and that's taking medication and having the excuse to complain but my husband is going on another Business trip and he'll be gone for a week this time...leaves Sunday. I know I can get help taking care of the kids from my mother in law but still. I don't need to get sick like this. It's like okay, I'm going to get sick but the timing is a little off. Why couldn't I catch a cold after he gets back?

This is change I don't like. Change of rearranging my schedule to fit my lack of ability. I have a problem giving up a little of my power to control my own independence. It's like a fear of forgetting how to take care of ones self because you're so used to leaning and depending another person to survive.  It's been a few years where I had to lean onto my husband for support with the kids, the home, the medical difficulties, and my own pressures of giving up control. Now I'm feeling a little like I'm a failure. Yes, I go there. This is my moment of weakness.......

Honestly, I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can handle and what I can't. I know my own inner demons and I have choices.  I can choose to wallow in my own self pity or I will survive like I have always done. I will make an honest effort to weather the storm that comes my way. This cold of mine is nothing. I have to remember in the last 4 years of my hardest times where it was difficult to get the energy to feed my children. This is nothing compared to finding the strength to make it through the day afraid of passing out, afraid I wouldn't be here for my kids, my husband and not knowing why my system was failing me. So getting a cold is nothing compared to my most trying times. This is change I can live with. Knowing I made it through those days of not having the energy to survive and I did. I managed and I did it so I know I can manage to rearrange my life to get through this bump in the road.  This is nothing!! Take care, Peace!!

Way to go Mom.. you suck!!

I do the best for my children. I do what's best for my marriage. I work on balancing out my life so I can give attention to everyone as best I can. I do what's capable of me with my health limitations. I know my health problems were tough on my family. They were tough on me so I understand.  I feel a lot of pressure all the time but I don't stew on it often because it's not healthy for me or my children. Mommy guilt can overcome me.

I have expectations I want for my children on how they represent themselves in public and at home. I think working on your behaviour starts at home. I want my children to learn how to interact well in the world and maybe I'm hard on them at times but if I allow them to just get what they want and allow them to just run a muck at home then I'm not doing them any favors out in the world. I'm working on balancing behaviour so my children learn that sometimes people will not like them but you still conduct yourself with kindness. Show by example!!

I am harder on my daughter then with my son because she's older. I discipline age appropriately.  When my son turns 5 years old I'll have higher expectations for him also just like I expect my daughter to listen and do what's asked of her for what's she capable of as a 5 year old. I know their limitations but I also push both my children to work a little harder when they get discouraged because giving up and not wanting to learn isn't helping them to grow as little people into responsible adults.

If I'm not going to teach my children how to conduct themselves with good behavior then who will...society?  I want my children to understand having a good moral foundation will set them up so when life throws them crap they know how to make the best out of a bad situation by being a leader in making good decisions and learning from the bad ones which means I have to give them understanding sometimes their behaviour stinks and then reward them when they are doing great.

I just want the best for my children and they are my responsibility as a stay at home mother to teach them right from wrong and it hurts when someone you love criticizes your parenting like I favor one child over the other. I love both my children but all children are different. One technique may work for one but it may not work for the other. It's a balancing act to give both my children the attention they need to strive in this world. 

I went through the terrible three's with my daughter and now my son is starting his terrible three's and I'll just be as hard on him like I was on his sister because he needs to understand his bad behavior is not acceptable in our household. My approach may be different but in the end I'll expect the same results. Bad behavior is not acceptable.....period!!

I'm doing my best to give my family the attention, love and kindness I'm capable of and I'm balancing myself so we can function as a household. So my heart is bruised today and I'll get over it because I love my children to much to just give up over someone putting his foot in his mouth. Take care, Peace

Lets Dance!!

On an average day when I'm not over dramatic on my thinking I'm quite a free spirit. I'm usually the person you see in lets just say Walmart or Target dancing in the isles being all silly with my kids. I'm the one singing to the music while I'm shopping. I don't find this embarrassing at all. I see it as I'm having a good time with my family enjoy the small things life has to offer.

I would rather see a family having a good time then seeing some kid having a tantrum on isle 7 with their parent ready to pull their hair out. I also say Hi to everyone. Sometimes I get weird looks like who's this person saying Hello to me but that's who I am. I like expressing my positivity even when I could careless of being friendly. I don't like being serious all the time and so acting like a big goof laughing having a good time makes me feel good.

My kids are used to me singing so they don't think it's unusual when I start singing in stores while we are shopping. I'm sure they will think it's weird if other people who don't do it. Of course, I'm not belting out the word being disruptive when I sing and I'm no professional but it makes me feel good. I usually stop or don't sing if the store is busy. I am respectful to other shoppers. When my family is having a good time we end up having less drama. Sometimes it doesn't work and we're out of control but it reins in less drama when I start acting like a goof ball with my kids. It takes the focus off whatever meltdown they were about to have or meltdown I was about to have..lol!!

Just because I'm a Mother doesn't mean I have to be boring and act a certain way. Whatever moves you to be happy who cares how you get there!!

It's fun to not take life so serious and I enjoy being happy. Stop and smell the roses once in awhile. Take care, Peace!!

I live for sleep!!

When you go through something like real serious health problems and you don't get answers of why your body just doesn't want to perform as it should you do what you need to do to survive. That's sleep for me. I am lucky with having a supportive husband who gets up to deal with our kids during the night and gives me time to sleep.

Lately, it's been me getting up with the kids or if I still need more sleep I kick him out of bed to deal with the kids. Our family may not be the norm with our sleep patterns but you adjust to make it work. I seriously need sleep or I'm not good for anything.

Ever so often I need sleep. My body basically shuts down and demands sleep. I minimally sleep 8 hours a night and sometimes on weekends I take a 3 hour nap. I typically get around 9 hours of sleep a night and if I'm lucky 10 hours. I know that's crazy for some but when you have low energy related health problems you try to get all the sleep as you can. Like I said I have a great husband who allows me to get all the sleep I can get. It's nice!!

My sleep schedule kinda changed since my daughter has school everyday and gymnastics on Saturdays and now Church on Sundays so my sleeping in until 9am every morning is over. Yes, I said 9am with two little kids. We have trained them well and it's actually nice.

So I'm slowly adjusting to the sleep schedule but I'm still messed up at times.  My body is screaming at me about 1pm for the last couple of weeks to take a nap. My son still takes naps but my daughter doesn't and she's not old enough for me to just go sleep for awhile unattended.

I made the mistake once of doing that just taking a catnap on the couch when the kids were playing in there play room. I thought it would be fine because I was still close and if they needed me I was there.  When I woke up I found they got into the fish tanks and water was all over the place. I'm surprised none of the fish died and I learned my lesson not to fall asleep while the kids are awake. Big mistake....Huge!!

So last night wasn't the norm for me because I waited up for my husband to get home from his travels and I had a situation with our printer I needed to fix before this morning. My husband in his all knowledge of computer related problems fixed my printer. My daughter got her things printed out for her school project due this morning. I didn't get to bed until 1am and for me that's one enormous problem. That's real late for me and then getting up before 7am this morning well.....I'm kinda dragging. No amount of Caffeine can save me now kinda deal. I'm not used to this small amount of sleep. I want more. My body is craving for more. You can tell I need sleep because all the color drains out of my face and I'm a walking zombie.

It has been a challenge to rearrange my sleep schedule so I feel like I can get things done. Finding time for my kids and personal time with my husband and then taking care of my well being. I tend to fall short on my well being at times but my family comes first but then my husband reminds me I need to care for myself before I can take care of everyone else. Finding the balance within my life will take some time. As long as I have the energy I need to get me through the day everything will be alright. Now it's time to get some rest!! Take care, Peace!!

Indianprincess...this is me!!

Who are you? Well my real name is Darlene. I like writing about random things and most of the time I'm listening to some form of music. I am a wife to the most understanding and supportive husband and I'm a mother to two wonderful little kids age 5 and 3. I have lots of self anxieties which neither is a hindrance or a gift. I haven't made up my mind about that yet. I characterize myself as an awkward goof with a kind heart. I kinda get flighty when I feel like life is getting too structured for me yet I like to be laid back and that's another conflicting trait I possess.

My husband is my opposite which comes in handy when I'm all over the place when I'm stuck in my head. He brings me back to earth with my wacky doodle tenancies. I like sharing my life experiences and I'm not ashamed of what I have written on my blog. It's my life and what can I do?

Some people may think I'm just crazy and I'm fine with that. I'll take the job as the crazy person because someone has to take the job. I don't take myself serious as you can tell. I like to bring emotion to everything I do. I like to be reminded people are human and we all have feelings especially one's we want other people not to know about. I'm typically in your face about it. I may inspire someone or at least give someone a good laugh. I'm not picky with my writing and it is what it is!!

I seriously want a tattoo but I'm afraid of needles and putting myself through pain just to have a cute picture permanently sketched on my skin freaks me out. I don't care for pain. That's why I don't have one. I can still dream.

I've been a diabetic since I've been 17 years old. It sucks!! When my Doctor's bitch me out for not checking my blood sugars more often I just want to tell them to shove the lancet up their asses. Poking your finger hurts like hell.

I still have my demons I'm dealing with for example I have body image issues contributed by my eating disorder and on my good days I feel sexy and on my off days I feel like a frumpy old women. When I feel like a new change it's usually my hair that gets mangled first.

Feeling like you have no energy to function is hard. Going through this time was hard and frustrating and so exhausting I really don't know how I managed. It amazes me how my family managed through the worst of my health problems and we may be a little off and dysfunctional but we're here and that's all that matters.

I'm a work in progress and I change everyday tweaking myself here and there. I try to stay positive and I'm trying to getting my dysfunction out of my life. I know it's part of who I am so maybe the correct thing to say is I'm working on my dysfunction so I don't let it run my life into the ground. One step at a time!! We all need a hero in our lives and mine is the world!!

This is who I am!! You like me or you don't. No love lost!! Thank you for stumbling upon my craziness!! Take care, Peace!!

School is a Hit!!

So when my 5 year old Kindergartner came home from the first day of school she informed me school wasn't for her. She was not at all happy she had to work in school. She thought she would get to play like she did in Pre-School. It was a shock to her little system to say the least and she had enough of all this school business. That was it for her and no more school but I told her to give herself at least a week before she made up her mind about school.

Well it's been a week and each day the excitement of her day the moment she walks back in the door:
"Mom, they let me use a Computer today",
"Mom, they have a Music room"
"Mom, they sell Breakfast in the morning, can I eat there in the morning?"
"Mom, guess what, I can climb the rock wall in Gym class"
"Mom, they have a Library and I can check out books so you don't need to buy me books anymore"

I can go on and on. She loves school and gives me the low down each day about not making any friends yet. I'm glad she's enjoying herself but I'm not liking she only goes 2 1/2 hrs a day. I was shocked when I found this out when I registered her for school.

I'm impressed with her school so far and I don't have good trust when it comes to my children. If anyone is going to shrew up my children it will be me and my hubby not society. I'm very protective of them not to the point of sheltering them to death but making sure they have a strong moral and responsibility based on a good foundation. Life is yours for the taking and possibilities are endless but their is a way to do it without stepping on other people to do it. I will always teach my kids to work hard and not expect other people to just hand them things like entitlements. No one owes them anything.

I necessarily don't want my children to think like me neither but to learn to think for themselves and make up their own minds on matters that are important to them. I think my daughter will make lots of friends and she will be fine. Her curriculum for Kindergarten is a good program and her school so far is a good school. I wouldn't call it great but for a public school it's one of the good ones. In my own happy world I would have preferred my children went to a Private School because frankly they are much better but I'm not living in my happy world so Public School will just have to do.....for now!!

I enjoy her excitement and I love hearing her school stories. This year will be great!! Take care, Peace!!