Come, I'll show you!!

I have deep rooted emotions I've been trying to figure out the past few months. I've been getting "Forgiveness" flashing in my face so I'm working on forgiveness in all aspects of my life and frankly, I suck at forgiving. Things I thought I have forgiven I realized I have not. I've been walking this interesting journey these past few weeks and as much as I've been fighting change on my emotional journey I've been learning more about my life. It's interesting when you just sit and listen. I've been listening and learning more of the ways through my heart it has brought me tears of joy and the layers of brokenness that has collected there full of pain I just pushed aside because I couldn't face rejection within my life. It shouldn't amaze me when the grace of God has touched my life like a silence of light just shining down onto my soul showing me but it does because I'm still fighting the thought that is "Why me?"

Sure, I can give countless accounts of why I'm not worthy of grace, mercy and forgiveness. I realized I have deep rooted trauma within my heart that traps me in fear, anxiety and pain. I know I can't fully move forward until I brake down those trauma's I have stored within my heart, those trauma's I have built because as a child I didn't know how to deal with them emotionally. They are rooted in there so deep and boobie trapped it's crazy how I manage to live.

Lately, I've been angry. My heart is so full of rage right now and it kind of scares me. I have Zero patience for my family. I love my family so much and at the same time I can't stand to be around them. They are driving me crazy with the kids fighting non stop with each other and my husband would rather fix other things then being present with his own family. I just tune out because I'm tired of him coming home grab his computer and play his video games all the time and the only time he helps out around our home is when I've lost it and stream is coming out of my ears. Why is it that he can do things and volunteer outside the home but can't manage to fix and finish projects around his own home? I'm getting tired of living in this chaos and I do think about leaving. Yes, I have thought of leaving my family like walking away I get so frustrated. I am not happy and I'm ashamed my house is the way it is and it's embarrassing to me. I'm embarrassed of my home and my thoughts about leaving the ones I care about the most. I'm so not worthy.

I keep telling my husband I need a break and then the empty promises that come after. I'm starting to think no one is hearing me. I have nothing else to give and I'm on empty full of brokenness!! Take care, Peace!!