When Life Stops!

I truly understand how my Hubs must of felt when his world stopped when I got Pneumonia almost two years ago and I was in and out of the Hospital.

Yesterday was my turn. I woke up like I always did and my hubs was home telling me we needed to go to the Emergency Room. His whole left side was numb, his upper back hurt and various other symptoms. I was upset he didn't wake me up sooner. I slept in until 10:30 am and he took the kids to school at 8:25 am. I was not pleased he waited that long because I was thinking blood clot or stroke.

We got to the Emergency Room checked in and I told him to call his Mother and let her know and she would have to pick the kids up after school and take care of them until we got any news back. When they took his vitals his blood pressure was high and that worried me.

When they called him back it took awhile until we saw the Doctor and when he did finally come to see my Hubs he decided to order a Chest X-ray, blood tests, an MRI and the ER Doctor wanted to consult the Stroke Team. Heart Problems is high in my Hubs family Medical History. It scared me and I tried keeping it together.

So during various trips to get food or a drink I kept reports going on Facebook and I texted his Pastor. I haven't gone through something so scary before. He's the love of my life, he's my Rock, he's everything to me and I'm waiting for bad news, I'm preparing for the worst and what I'll be facing. I can do this, I can be his Rock now. I needed Jesus to get me through this. I need him to carry me through this so I can be there for my Hubs. I had to be strong for him because he did it for me. Life may get hard and I was preparing for that. I will be strong.

After 5 hrs and a bunch of tests later he will not be dying anytime soon but he will need to see his Primary Doctor for more tests to find the cause for his numbness. He didn't have a Stroke, he didn't have any blood Clots and his Heart is Healthy, his Lungs were Healthy and his blood work came out really good. Thank you Jesus. I can breath now. Take care Peace!

It's just how it is!!

No matter how hard I try to live a healthy lifestyle I have to realize I have underlining medical issues ever so often I land my sick butt in the Emergency Room. Yesterday was one of those days and my arms from my pneumonia last year had wrecked havoc to my veins in my arms so it's hard for the RN's to find any good veins to hook me up to an IV. Let's just say I tried not to tell the RN off but I was good and just smiled even though I was screaming inside.

Yesterday's trip wasn't too serious but it was enough I needed some tweaking to get me back up on my feet. After a few hours and some orange juice later I was sent on my merry way with good health and some drugs. The good part of the trip was my anemia is back to before pneumonia and almost anemic free. I say high five because I've been working on getting my red blood cells back up to where I can function during the day for over a year and it was hard work.

This time around my body rejected medications and turned my body inside out and I was back onto a vomit schedule I couldn't control. Lets just say my body freaks out on me when it doesn't agree to what I'm giving it. I find it's cool my body doesn't like prescription drugs but it's not cool when it goes so out of whack I'm going to the Emergency Room.

I've been balancing my diabeties, anemia, and Orthostatic hypotension by vitamins and diet. It's been helping me get back to where life is doing good. I just have to figure out how to keep myself out of the emergency room but that's a balancing act I'm going to have to figure out in time. Cheers to good looking male RN's...Take care, Peace!!!

Drug Addiction

Going into something like drug addiction you think it couldn’t happen to you. I knew I was different because I did have addiction in my past so I was self-aware it could happen to me. I was very outspoken to the medical community of my concerns. My Doctor gave me a plan to wean off the opiates. Being on pain killers were putting pressure onto my heart. I know how I am with addictions. I was afraid I was addicted and in my heart I knew I was addicted. Truth, I got addicted to opiates and I had to do something about it. I was taking pain killers because I had surgery on my lung and I was healing from Pneumonia and it was needed for pain control. By this time in my recovery my body needed these drugs but not for pain control. Going off the Vicodin would be a 4 week battle of withdrawal and would I even have the strength to make it? I knew going into it would be hard; I would have to find it within my being to trust in Jesus to carry me through this time in my life.

The mental endurance I had to go through was excruciating when I was getting off the physical need of Narcotics. I was in battle with my physical body because all my body new was I was lacking something it needed. I was denying something it wanted to feel better. I was choking the very need of its addiction and in doing so I was in great physical and psychological pain and I was going through heavy restlessness, irritability and I had great pains throughout my body that was intense every time I moved.

I took a lot of hot scolding baths and listened to a lot of Chris Tomlin during this time with the support of my family. I did a lot of crying to Jesus and it was him who gave me great strength to focus on his face. I also realized when the pain would feel less tense the week would be done and I had to step down on the amount of mg I was taking. Once again, I was starting all over again from the beginning. I had to remember my withdrawal was impairing my judgment, my ability to think clearly, reason and rationalize my everyday life. I was having very unpleasant and intrusive thoughts because of these opiate withdrawal symptoms.

I was aware I could have self-destructive behavior and my thoughts included suicide. I asked for Jesus to watch over me and my safety throughout my struggle. I knew I really didn’t want to commit suicide and I really didn’t want to self-destruct and I gave that control to Jesus to watch over me. I really wanted him to protect me from myself of doing something stupid. I wasn’t myself throughout this. My own thoughts were not really my own thoughts and I was struggling for clarity. I don’t think I could have done it without Jesus and my family. I had moments of complete breakdowns, complete sadness, sorrow of unbelievable proportions and the physical pain that was on my mind 24 hours a day. The comfort of love and support is what got me though the 4 weeks. It’s almost a year from the beginning of this ordeal and I could say I’m completely healed I would be lying. I still crave for Opiates and I still have physical pain I deal with on a regular basis but I wouldn't change anything because I learned something about myself and I felt the true love of Jesus Christ. It was a blessing. I hope I never have to experience that again but if I do I know I can get through it. I did it once and I'm sure I can do it again. Take care, Peace!!

My Blue Season!!

My brain is pretending I'm in a warm sunny weather climate than here in the cold rainy Pacific Northwest!! Did anyone say Sunlight?

Eye of a Hurricane!

I prayed I would go see a Chris Tomlin concert. In December 2010 I found out Chris was coming to Portland. I was going to be there but the day my husband and I were going to buy his concert tickets the concert was sold out.  My heart hurt a little and going to Seattle which was his last city on his tour wasn't an option. I thought maybe next time and my dream to see him in concert would have to wait for another time.


Later that day I got an email saying Chris Tomlin was adding another concert in Portland for April 14th. We bought the tickets right then. Pinch me, I was one step closer to seeing Chris Tomlin. Why Chris Tomlin? His music inspires me and his songs brings me closer to Jesus.


The hurricane of my health troubles started on March 17, 2011. I fought hard to get up on my feet. I struggled and I prayed. This concert meant so much to me. I knew I had to be there. I knew it would change my life. It was like desperation and the very need to be there was pushing me to move forward. 


The day I was admitted for the third time into the Hospital I realized this time was a little more serious then the last two times in the hospital.  I still kept my faith in 10 days I'll be enjoying my time listening to Chris Tomlin....I prayed because it didn't look promising.


So I had a Lung Tap, I had a blood Transfusion and oh right, I also had lung surgery all in a 5 day period. After surgery I calculated in my head I have 3 or 4 days with tubes sticking out of my body and I need to get off my IV pain medication. I needed to be discharged neither Wednesday or Thursday morning. Monday before the concert I got my tubes taken out and the IV pain medication went away on Tuesday and by Wednesday I was allowed to go home which meant I was going to the concert Thursday Night!! 


Thursday Night I was listening to Chris Tomlin. I was present and soaking it all in. Who knew less than a week earlier I was in a surgery room getting my lung operated on due too an empyema pleural effusion in my right lung. I heard there were 5 other people who had the same thing I had and I was the lucky one who survived. 


Even though I was still having problems breathing I sang my heart out. It felt so right and I was amazed I was actually there like it was a dream. I saw Chris Tomlin in concert. Those words I can't believe I said it. I was listening to Chris Tomlin in concert watching him and listening to him sing his beautiful songs. It was a miracle I was there when a week before I was told by my pulmonologist I would need lung surgery. 


My prayers were answered and dreams really do come true. This was my eye of the hurricane because a few days later I was back on another journey of more medical problems that lasted for along time. 


I needed this break and this special moment. It would push me through the very hard days, during my endless nights of depression and the sadness within my heart. It got me through my trials of pain and when I wanted to give up I would remember how I felt during the concert and it kept me moving along.


Today is near the end of September and I'm slowly learning to live again and the hurricane slowly gone with a lot of damage left behind. I will rebuild my life. I will get my heart right again and my season of depression will be a thing of the past because God is Good!!


I will remember the eye of the storm and what a blessing it had on my life. I'll never forget!

These scars got me on the road to see Chris Tomlin in concert. They may be ugly scars but to me they are my blessings and without them I would never have made it to April 14, 2011. Take care, Peace!


http://www.christomlin.com/

2011 year of sickness!!

Back in March my family got sick. First my son, then my husband and then my daughter. I was kinda lucky because I'm usually the first to go down with sickness. My immune system sucks and if someone sneezes on me I usually get sick and that's how bad I am. I'm surprised I'm not a germaphobe and maybe I should be.

A couple of days after my daughter had the flu I started feeling under the weather. My husband had to work from home because I couldn't get myself out of bed. I finally convinced myself to see a Doctor because something wasn't quite right and I new it so there I was in Urgent Care on a nice Saturday afternoon being seem by a Doctor. Nothing the Doctor could do for me but give me some prescriptions for comfort and sent me on my merry way.

The following day I woke up for Church and I couldn't get out of bed. I felt like someone was stabbing me in my back. Later that day I made my husband call the advice nurse of what I can do and from the symptoms I was experiencing she told me to go to the Emergency Room.

That Sunday night I was admitted for dehydration with  Influenza B. I stayed in the Hospital for 3 days. 9 days later I was admitted back into the Hospital for Bacterial Pneumonia and I stayed for 3 days. 2 days later I was back into the Hospital because the pneumonia got worse and this time I had a blood transfusion and lung surgery after a 10 day stay. 2 weeks later I was back into the Hospital for another 9 days.  Total of 25 days in the Hospital from March 20th to May 7th.

Since then I've been in and out of Urgent Care or the Emergency room for various problems several times. This last time on my way home from my vacation the RN had a hard time finding any good veins in my arms to use for the IV's because I've had so many IV's in my arms they can't take anymore abuse.

I'm not complaining because I know friends and family members who have gone through much worse then me. They are the one's who I think about when I'm dealing with my own medical problems. It gives me understanding that no matter how bad it is for me someone in this world is going through something worse. I'm just getting tired and hopefully someone in the medical profession can figure out what is wrong with me and why I have so many medical problems.

So I decided I'm going to be a germaphobe and if you see someone walking down the road in a hazmat suit with two little kids in tow then that's me. Have a nice day!!

Life is slowly moving!

A week can make a girl feel special and my family vacation did just that. I guess I needed to be in the middle of no where in a tent for a few days to unwind and relax with the family. The kids were great in the car drive seeing how we were all cramped in a full car packed with everything we could need to go camping in our Grand Prix which by the way my husband and I realized we out grew our car on this trip. Someone will be researching SUV's soon which means that's me. Our 5 hour car ride was great. Buying one of those portable DVD players was a great investment and we had two happy kids and two happy parents. We left home at 5:30am so we could get to our campsite so we could relax and set up camp before it got too late.

We ended up buying all the gear for fishing. My 6 year old daughter loved fishing and caught a few. My 4 year old  fished for about 5 minutes and then he was done. He didn't last long and it was a joy to sit still, be quiet and just look at the beauty of nature. It was quite inspiring and peaceful. The kids had some moments but what kid doesn't and overall spending a quiet peaceful vacation is what we needed. The kids thought our tent was cool and didn't mind sleeping in sleeping bags. I was a human Popsicle the first night because it got so cold but after that we all were warm and it was nice. I wish we could have stayed longer but our beautiful daughter started school yesterday.

We left Sunday for our drive back home but not without some drama. I ended up getting sick like vomiting. About 2 hours in my Husband flagged over EMT's and I was driven to a Local Hospital in an ambulance. I was hooked up to IV's and I waited in the waiting room. Then I got worse with vomiting up blood. I was not in good shape. When I was finally called to an ER room I was hooked up to various machines, had various tests done, and after hours of tests and more tests, given drugs to make me feel better, the vomiting stopped and the Doctor told me to contact my own Doctor about my heart and he sent me on my merry way. In the meantime my husband and children stayed at a nearby Hotel for the Night because we were far from home. The kids loved the hotel stay and I got to go back in the morning and take a nice long hot shower before we took our journey home once again.

Tuesday arrived bright and early and we said goodbye to our first grader and I'm happy to say she will have a great school year of many possibilities. I did enjoy the house of peacefulness with only one child at home but when I went to pick up the daughter at the bus stop the loudness came back and life was normal again.

We had such a great family vacation in a few weeks we're going on a mini trip again to enjoy our family once again. We will be going to Forks, Washington this time. I just want to say I went to Forks and La Push. I may tell you if I met Edward and Bella Cullen's or meet any Vampires. That's funny!! I realized our family needs these kinda trips. We need going away from our daily lives to explore what life has to offer and it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. I got a lot out of life this past weekend. It was needed especially when life is hard with medical problems to just enjoy what's important and to me that's spending time with my family. It was nice seeing life through my kids eyes and the excitement of exploring something new with them.

My health is what it is and I just need the patience to endure until my body figures out how to function right. I made an appointment to see my Doctor next week and I'll be asking for a plan so I can get my life back to some normalcy.

This week I have great reason to celebrate and also mourn the 10th anniversary of 9/11. My Church is launching a book of 7 testimonies of life stories of people from our church. I can't wait and I'll be praying and thinking of the lives lost. Take care, Peace!! Jesus died for all Sin including yours!!

Reality Bites!

Why does my heart hurt so much? I kind of know the answer to this question. I have been struggling with life. All around me everyone is living their life and I'm just stuck in an never ending battle with myself. It's raw and hurtful and I don't know how to get myself out of this anxiety of overwhelming pain. My life has changed after the pneumonia. I feel sad, depressed and I just feel like as much as I'm fighting to get better apart of me has sunk into a deep hole of emotional pain. I want my life back and to feel more than this sadness within my soul. I feel like I'm on the edge of life and I'm ready to burst into tears at any moment. I can see where my life is at now and I can see where I want to be like this push and pull of never ending sorrow.

I don't know how anyone can help me. I know my husband can see I'm struggling and I know his troubles are because of me. I can feel it within him thinking he's watching his wife slip away and he feels helpless to do anything. It's just hard because I have tried everything. I asked for medical help because I know my addition to prescription drugs has a hold on me. I didn't get help like I thought. By the medical professional I saw doesn't think I have a problem. I'm afraid to ask again for help. I have this struggle to pick up the phone because of the rejection I got the last time I called. I can't sleep without those pesky drugs but during the day the need for more is hurting me. I know where they are kept and my husband has them in the safe which I can't get too but if I could I would be taking them. That's how bad I am and I'm not on the hard stuff because I can't get to them.

I am learning to not need drugs and I know it's not my fault like it's not the Doctor's fault for prescribing them. I had a reason for needing drugs. I had lung surgery and they were much needed but now after months of healing my body wants them, needs them and I'm left fighting a battle within myself and I feel like I'm losing.

It's so difficult to just shut that part of myself off. I don't want to be hooked on drugs. I don't want this or feel like I should be going through this unnecessary pain of self conflicting struggle but I am. The push and the pull, the highs and the lows, the back and forth is what's killing me. I'm all over the map emotionally and I just want to feel normal again. I just want to smile and mean it. I just want to wake up feeling refreshed because I have forgotten how that feels then waking up with a headache, my body hurting and the need for more drugs. The need for more drugs is so painful. My body needs drugs and each time I give in apart of me falls apart. Apart of me feels like a failure like I don't have any self control. Why don't I have self control? I've tried going cold turkey, I've tried down grading like the Doctor's tell me and every time I try something it doesn't seem to work. I go as long as I can take it. I'm self inflicting and one of these days I'll be back in the hospital and this time I won't be so lucky.

I'm tried the blame game and anger just seems to just make me feel more emotional broken. I'm going away with the family this weekend and I'm hoping to just escape for a few days and maybe when I get back I'll drum up the courage to make that phone call again to get myself some help because I have no where to go and I don't want to live the way I'm living. This sucks and I'm hurting. I hurt and I feel empty and what more of a life lesson to learn than this....sacrificing who you are isn't worth the pain of addition!

I love to sing but suck at it now!!

There once was a time where I could sing. I wasn't Whitney Houston but I could hold a tune. I was even in a Musical at age 23 years. It was a great moment to say I was in a Musical and something I can write off my bucket list of things to do before I die. I joined the choir my mother was involved in because I needed to do something to get over my shyness. Yes, I was extremely shy!! What better way to get over being shy then to sing in front of people. I had a great time which lead me into being asked to be involved with a Musical with our local theater. It was a great experience. After that I just sang for me. I enjoy singing and I would do it ofter but after I got really sick with my son's pregnancy 4 years ago I stopped singing as often. The anemia and other medical problems have gotten in the way but now I'm having a hard time singing. I'm so bummed. Maybe someday I will sing for my own enjoyment again but until then I will sing within my head. Take care, Peace!!

Change is Good or is it?

It's 9 in the morning and I'm having popcorn with my son. We're sitting here enjoying Dora the Explorer and having a bowl of salty buttery popcorn. It's quite satisfying. This is a good change. I can enjoy this.

Since my daughter started her school career I've been lagging behind in my own life endeavors. I have so much I want to do but it seems like the weeks are just flying by. My weekends are busy busy and I'm not complaining about that but I do need to just relax and maybe I should schedule it in between nap time and homework.

I'm not completely healthy so balancing my time and making sure I don't have a burn out is like juggling. It's a process and lately I'm not so good at it. I'm figuring out what works best for me. I'm not getting much sleep because I'm spreading my time between my family members which it doesn't give me enough time to get the allotted sleep I need to make it through my day. I know, and I need to figure this out before I land my butt in the ER again.

Which I'm in a panic now because as much as I'm working on my schedule to balance out my life so I don't neglect my own needs....... I'm coming down with a cold!!! I can handle a cold and that's taking medication and having the excuse to complain but my husband is going on another Business trip and he'll be gone for a week this time...leaves Sunday. I know I can get help taking care of the kids from my mother in law but still. I don't need to get sick like this. It's like okay, I'm going to get sick but the timing is a little off. Why couldn't I catch a cold after he gets back?

This is change I don't like. Change of rearranging my schedule to fit my lack of ability. I have a problem giving up a little of my power to control my own independence. It's like a fear of forgetting how to take care of ones self because you're so used to leaning and depending another person to survive.  It's been a few years where I had to lean onto my husband for support with the kids, the home, the medical difficulties, and my own pressures of giving up control. Now I'm feeling a little like I'm a failure. Yes, I go there. This is my moment of weakness.......

Honestly, I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can handle and what I can't. I know my own inner demons and I have choices.  I can choose to wallow in my own self pity or I will survive like I have always done. I will make an honest effort to weather the storm that comes my way. This cold of mine is nothing. I have to remember in the last 4 years of my hardest times where it was difficult to get the energy to feed my children. This is nothing compared to finding the strength to make it through the day afraid of passing out, afraid I wouldn't be here for my kids, my husband and not knowing why my system was failing me. So getting a cold is nothing compared to my most trying times. This is change I can live with. Knowing I made it through those days of not having the energy to survive and I did. I managed and I did it so I know I can manage to rearrange my life to get through this bump in the road.  This is nothing!! Take care, Peace!!

Life is a Balancing Act!!

For the last few months I've been doing something unconventional with my health. I stopped all prescription drugs. Some people would think I have lost my mind especially with all the medical problems I have listed on my plate. I didn't come to this decision lightly but I was getting tired of all the chemicals I was putting into my system.

I just found out recently one of the many drugs I was taking called Reglan for a digestive problem I have and it's not pleasant to know this could have happened to me the longer I took it and I don't know at this point if I have any of these side effects yet. Here's what I learned "Reglan: Gastrointestinal Drug May Cause Permanent, Involuntary Movements of the Face and Extremities Reglan, also called metoclopramide, is a drug commonly prescribed to treat gastrointestinal disorders such as gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), persistent heartburn, nausea, vomiting, and a feeling of stomach fullness. However, the drug has been shown to cause tardive dyskinesia, a permanent and severe condition which causes uncontrollable movement of the extremities and the face."

How nice and I took that drug off and on since 2003. I stopped taking it last year around this time. The reason I just decided to stop all prescription drugs because I was getting tired of the Medical Profession giving me more drugs. It seemed like their answer to everything so I decided to put my health into my own hands and go unconventional with natural vitamins. I have found the last few months my health has gotten better. I don't know long term but dealing with health issues for the last 4 years and I wasn't getting any better. Doctor's didn't have answers and I was getting tired of all the bullshit. I had to do something so I decided to do something for myself. It was the best choice for me and I'm not an advocate for anyone doing this. It's up to you to make the choices for you.

There are three drugs I put into my daily life and I believe they have helped me get my body back to more stable. They are Chromium, Selenium and a Blood Builder. I also take vitamins for my Vitamin D Deficiency and I drink a daily cup of soup for my blood pressure. I eat a balanced diet for my diabetes. Once I feel even more better I'll start adding more exercise to my lifestyle. It's a process and I have more hope I can get my life back to where it was before Children. I think Doctor's are great and Nurses are even better because I've worked with great medical professionals in my past but for me right now, I'm detoxing my body from chemical drugs right now and going natural. I could change my mind in the future and go back to drugs but right now, I'm happy with my progress and what counts....I feel better and I'm seeing results. Take care, Peace!!!

I hurt!!

I knew yard work was dangerous. I think last weekend I pulled a muscle in my back near my right shoulder blade. It hurts like crazy and with the crazy going on in my house I haven't had time to relax and heal. That's why I haven't done a lot of writing. I have lots to write about but it hurts to type right now. The mornings are the worst and then I take my drugs and the rest of the day I'm in a dull pain which I can handle sort of. So much for physical yard labor. I should go because now my arm hurts..Oh my!!! Take care, Peace!!

Comes crashing down!!!

This week has been a stressful one for me. The son got pinkeye and is on eye drops and I'm surprised he's taking the drops pretty well. I think he realizes they help his eyes and hasn't fought us like a sumo wrestler when we're giving them to him. This kid is strong and has been since birth like the time he kicked me when he was 4 months old in the leg and dropped me to my knees. You have to have two people holding him down when he's getting looked at by a Doctor. He hates it with a passion for anyone poking at him and he will let you know...oh he lets you know all right. It's the screeching pain in your ears and the struggle and it's not like you want your child to be in distress so it makes it twice as worse to watch this little boy struggle and scream with tears. That can't be a good thing. I wonder if I'm scaring this kid for life every time he goes in for a check up...maybe when he gets older it may not be so bad...lets hope!!!!! (Break) The reason this week is stressful because I have anxiety over my house. Things I let slide when I was at my medical worst is catching up with me. I look around the house and I can feel the blood rush to my head with stress. I shouldn't get stressed about these things but I can't help it. I really like structure and I feel hopeless right now because I don't have the energy to get some of these things I want to do. It's a no win situation for me with the back and forth within my head. I understand I had no control over my low energy but at the same time I feel like I'm the only one who does any of the cleaning. My hubby is great with helping me take care of the kids but when it comes to cleaning...he kind of sucks at it but is good at making more of a mess for me to clean. Sorry honey but it's true. I do have to admit I knew this going into our relationship so it's not like I didn't know about his organized mess until now. It just seems with two messy kids and a hubby I get so overwhelmed at times I snap. I have a full out hissy fit and its not pretty. I don't even want to get into how the master bedroom is like. My sanctuary is a storage dump at this moment with baby gear, baby toys, boxes of clothes and our two cats seem to stink more now then ever before. Every time I go by our stairs I can smell a fowl odor. It's not pretty and air freshener doesn't seem to help. It's been getting to me this week more then ever. Actually it's been getting to me for awhile but I was in denial before like I didn't want to admit I was a mess. I'm in a cleaning freak anxiety mess and wish I had a few days of serious energy so I can get some of this work done. I'm not there yet and it bothers me I can't just get this stuff done so my hearts not on some serious power trip ready to leap out of my chest. Oh my, life's kicking me in the ass this week. Take care, Peace!!!

My brain is on overdrive!!

So this morning I grabbed the diet rockstar in the hope some how I will feel the effects of this drink wondering if I will finally get some energy from the stuff. I like the taste of it and that's all it's done for me. So today was like any other day just hoping like I always do that some how maybe today I will feel good. I've started taking some new pills (which I'll talk about on a later date but today I won't disclose this information right now) and I haven't really felt the effects yet until today. I finished this diet rockstar and in an hour my brain just decided to run and run and run like I'm on speed. My body on the other hand hasn't caught up yet but holy cow, this is something new. I don't know if I should be excited or not. My brain is like Hello, lets get this party started!!!! I kind of was in a funk this past week. I don't know really what it was about but I was feeling not so great like I'm seriously worn down, I have anxiety like theirs no tomorrow, facebook is driving me crazy and some how I just want to get out and do something. I want to do something but when you're body doesn't feel up to the challenge it's hard to accept. I get frustrated that my body doesn't allow me to just get up and go. I'm tired of feeling tired so can you believe somehow a miracle has happened and just maybe these new pills are doing it's work. I hope so but it's too soon to tell. I can't wait until I feel like my old self again. I was telling my daughter the other day Mommy used to be good at sports like Soccer, Downhill Skiing, Swimming and Basketball and she looked at me like I was crazy. Yes, I used to be good at something and now, it's like that part of my life didn't exist. I miss that life where I used to play sports. I loved exercise and feeling good I'm doing something. Soon, I hope!!! I need a vacation and sometimes I feel guilty for thinking I need a vacation like being a mother I have to be super 24 hours a day and my life has to be all about my family. I love my family and my kids are my world but in reality they can drive me up the wall that my head wants to explode so wishing I could have a break isn't too much to ask I don't think. I just need a couple of days to regroup and then I'm good to go again. I already think I'm going to ruin my kids lives and as much as I can give I still feel like I can't live up to my own expectations of a wife and mother. Some say I'm too hard on myself and to give myself a break but like I said I need a vacation so until that happens I'll be hard on myself. Take care, Peace!!!

Medical problems are a pain in my ass!!

I should be sleeping right now but I like to conflict pain onto myself and if I went to bed I would have thoughts running all crazy up in there in what I call my brain so I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway so here I am tired like a crazy person. Sometimes I would love to live in my happy place where I don't have any medical problems what so ever!! I don't remember the last time I felt normal. Anemia, low blood pressure and everything else I have piled onto my life which runs me down to where I just want to sit in a corner and cry is just something I keep trying to remind myself I have no control over. It's something I have to live with and learn to deal. I have to deal and most of the time I just deal but there are other times like most of the time I'm trying to figure out how to deal. It's so hard and being run down I just have to bitch about it. Bitching about it feels damn good. So I'm getting tired of this yo-yo cold I've been fighting since Halloween. It could be the piggie flu but who knows but when I think I've recovered it comes back full force. I have a good day where I can actually breath to the next day my head is stuffed full of shit and the pressure is just to the point of not killing anyone. I seriously want to be so over and done and would like to have my sanity back if that's possible. I would have a happier life is I was feeling better. I think the kids will remember this faze in there life as mommy being a crazy person on steroids. There is only room for one drama queen in our house and that's momma bear right now. I'm not surprised our daughter is also a drama queen having melt downs every chance she can get lately, It's not like I'm breaking down and crying every second but really I would like too. I'm just a total bitch with no patience more often then I would like. It's so not me. I'm the happy go with the flow kinda gal and this period in my life is not one of my finer qualities I want to admire or teach my kids. I seriously need a chill pill. Vacation from my life is what I really need and if people know how that's possible do tell I would like to know. I sure need a serious break. I really don't have patience for when people get sick and complain how bad they feel because frankly I feel bad every day. I pick myself up every morning and find the strength to take care of my kids and make sure our house doesn't implode so feeling sick doesn't get any sympathy from me. Live in my shoes for a day and you wouldn't be complaining anymore. Just think of feeling the worst you have ever felt when you were sick and remember I feel like that on a good day. I haven't really talked how bad I feel or explain how I feel because what good will that do and it's not like anyone can do anything about it and my Medical Doctor's don't know what to do about it but tell me to exercise like I understand the concept of exercise and how wonderful it is to the body like you don't need a degree to understand why it's good for you but they can't wrap it around there educated brains if I attempt to exercise like they are asking me too I will land myself in the ER. Are they prepared to pay for my medical bills when this happens? I get at least light headed 5 times a day and that's on a good day. I'm not passing out anymore thank god!! but I have two little kids I have to take care of during the day. My hubby is wonderful already when I get too worn out to care for them but he can't be rushing home all the time taking care of me and the kids. He has to work because he makes the money and I can't risk him losing his job because I'm trying to get the proper amount of cardio I need during the week. I don't need my children to get used to seeing the inside of an emergency room neither. I don't think the Doctor's also understand taking care of two young one's is work and tidying a house is work. If that's not exercise I must be on a loony train. These educated Doctor's don't actually consider my taking care of two little one's as the right proper amount of exercise I should be doing. What I want to do is tell them where to shove there educated diploma's. So I'm doing what I can do to find the inner strength to get though the day in one piece with the goal to have two happy kids, a nice tidy house and a good marriage. Take care, Peace!!

All great in my world!!!

My son's surgery went well. We got up the crack of dawn Monday morning to head over to the surgery clinic and was home by 10am. He was a little drunk and loopy which lasted a few hours but he didn't seem to be in pain and was his old self by the evening. He had his speech therapy appointment today and he's making more sounds and said a few more words. I'm such a happy momma. Our daughter is home and our family feels complete again. Yesterday evening we kind of missed her and the house was so quiet and it just didn't seem right she wasn't with us at home. Our son needed the rest and he recovered faster than I thought he would. He's such a little trooper. Now our house is settled down and the next big deal will be when my daughter goes to preschool in September. It will be another adventure!!! Take care, Peace!!!

I'm back!!

I'm kind of slacking on my blogging and I really don't have an excuse of why. It could be I'm just lazy or I just might have other important things to do but really it's because I don't know what to write about. I should be writing more but you know how it is. Well My vitamin D levels are back to normal and I'll be taking vitamin D pills for the rest of my life but it's better than feeling run down all the time. My energy level is close to normal as I can get. I'm still tired because of the anemia but it's manageable so I can function on a daily basis and do more things with the kids. Our son has his tongue surgery on August 10th. I have to admit I'm a little scared for the little guy. He doesn't like Doctor's or anyone poking at him so it's going to be hard watching him cry but it has to get done and hopefully it will help him learn to talk. He's doing really well in his speech therapy and the daughter is sleeping through the night again. If I have to live with hearing a fan, noise machine, and a computer screen blaring in my face during the night for her to sleep soundly throughout the night then so be it. She's sleeping which means I can sleep. Yeah!!!!! I'm so proud of my kids and life is good!!! Take care, Peace!!!!!

Seeing the light!!

Well I believe the tide has turned and I'm slowly feeling better. I'm going on more walks with the kids and I don't feel like I'm ready to die after 15 minutes. I can tidy the house without having to stop every 5 minutes to sit down. I actually played with the kids this morning and didn't get lightheaded for once in a very long time. Even though life throws you a curve ball and you feel like this couldn't get any worse it can but I managed to keep my spirits high these past few weeks knowing I will someday feel like myself again. It's amazing feeling knowing you got some answers without coming out short. I don't have serious brain fog anymore and I think that feeling was the worse. I'm surprised life kept on going and the house didn't fall apart. The kids are in one piece and the hubby didn't leave me..ha. Just kidding about the hubby. He's a good man and I'm going to keep him around for along time. He's like my hero and he may not look at it this way because he loves me and we're a family in good times and bad. It's been a struggle for him working long hours and then coming home and working more hours getting things done and taking care of the kids when I needed a much needed rest. He's my rock and I don't know if I would have made it this far without him. I don't know any time when I would call him at work saying I can't do it anymore and him saying sorry I can't come home but instead he would come home and take over where I left off. He also has a great employer who understands his responsibilities of his family and his job. I'm very blessed. Take care, Peace!!

I have Brain Fog!!!

Well it's been a week since I started my new medication and frankly I'm excited but my body has other idea's for me. I barely made it through my son's birthday party last Saturday and my brain is so fogged I don't know if I'm coming or going. I'm a mess but I'm hoping it only lasts a few weeks. I can't write so this is going to be very short because I can't think and already I'm sure this all doesn't make sense because I'm having a hard time writing. Take care, Peace!!

Vitamin D Deficiency!!!

I don't know if I'm going to cry or laugh with joy. My body has been falling apart on me since my last pregnancy with my son. I finally got my answer today and the Doctor called saying yes, I had Vitamin D Deficiency. The blood test is called 25-hydroxyvitamin D test and 25(OH)D levels should be between 50–80 ng/ml, and my level was 10. I've started my new drug Drisdol. I take one pill once a week then in three months I go back and take the test again to see where my blood level is. I feel like I finally got some hope. I was at the end of a rope I was desperately trying to hold on too with no safely net to catch me if I fell. It was very frustrating banging my head against the wall with the medical profession I felt wasn't listening to me. So as of today, I have Diabetes (cross between type 1 and type 2), Anemia (thinks it's due two various causes), Orthostatic hypotension (irregular low blood pressure), and various complications it's two many to count. The one problem I have is dealing with severe fatigue. It is frustrating talking to my Doctor's and explaining I AM super tired ALL the TIME and lowering my way of life to the point I can barely function during the day and them telling me I shouldn't be that fatigue and my thought was something is causing me to feel this way. It's like do you think I enjoy feeling this way because it sucks and I get so frustrated and I wasn't going to sit back and accept my life would be like this for the rest of my life. I wanted answers and hope. I have a life I want to live and do things with my children instead of sitting on the sidelines. I have to work around my energy levels and hopefully I might not be doing that anymore. It's like looking at the life you want through the window but you can't touch it. I don't like feeling so sick all the time. I don't like feeling I'm not in control of my own body so today I may have gotten my prayer and answer I've been waiting so long to hear. So my new chapter to my journey starts today. I'm going to fight to get to a healthier life. This is my new beginning. I hope you will join me along the way through my good days and some of the bad. I just know life will get better for me and I can fully enjoy my life and maybe on my new journey my body will finally work for me as each day goes by. Take care, Peace!!!