Life goes by too fast!!

March Madness is right. This month passed me bye like a thief in the night. Lots happened this month and way too many to count. My daughter is officially 6 years of age. My family got plagued with the flu and with me taking a trip to the Emergency Room and a lovely stay in the hospital for a few days. My daughter got to have her sleepover with her grandparents over her break and I wish the circumstances were better but she felt she had the better end of the stick.

I'm recovering from a really bad cold or allergies I haven't figured that one out but at least, I'm not in the hospital anymore with bad food and an IV in my arm. I didn't even have time to write out my thoughts which to me could be a bad thing but oh well, this month is almost over. April is coming on fast and I thought March was pretty overwhelming and stressful April may just push me over the emotional cliff but as always I will overcome with style and come out of April a stronger person or more dysfunctional. Who knows, but I hope the month of April goes bye just like March plus I need the weather to turn to spring so I don't have to wear so many layers of clothes to keep my bones from freezing.

I'm here and someday I will have something more exciting to say but until then....take care, peace!!!

Change is Good or is it?

It's 9 in the morning and I'm having popcorn with my son. We're sitting here enjoying Dora the Explorer and having a bowl of salty buttery popcorn. It's quite satisfying. This is a good change. I can enjoy this.

Since my daughter started her school career I've been lagging behind in my own life endeavors. I have so much I want to do but it seems like the weeks are just flying by. My weekends are busy busy and I'm not complaining about that but I do need to just relax and maybe I should schedule it in between nap time and homework.

I'm not completely healthy so balancing my time and making sure I don't have a burn out is like juggling. It's a process and lately I'm not so good at it. I'm figuring out what works best for me. I'm not getting much sleep because I'm spreading my time between my family members which it doesn't give me enough time to get the allotted sleep I need to make it through my day. I know, and I need to figure this out before I land my butt in the ER again.

Which I'm in a panic now because as much as I'm working on my schedule to balance out my life so I don't neglect my own needs....... I'm coming down with a cold!!! I can handle a cold and that's taking medication and having the excuse to complain but my husband is going on another Business trip and he'll be gone for a week this time...leaves Sunday. I know I can get help taking care of the kids from my mother in law but still. I don't need to get sick like this. It's like okay, I'm going to get sick but the timing is a little off. Why couldn't I catch a cold after he gets back?

This is change I don't like. Change of rearranging my schedule to fit my lack of ability. I have a problem giving up a little of my power to control my own independence. It's like a fear of forgetting how to take care of ones self because you're so used to leaning and depending another person to survive.  It's been a few years where I had to lean onto my husband for support with the kids, the home, the medical difficulties, and my own pressures of giving up control. Now I'm feeling a little like I'm a failure. Yes, I go there. This is my moment of weakness.......

Honestly, I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can handle and what I can't. I know my own inner demons and I have choices.  I can choose to wallow in my own self pity or I will survive like I have always done. I will make an honest effort to weather the storm that comes my way. This cold of mine is nothing. I have to remember in the last 4 years of my hardest times where it was difficult to get the energy to feed my children. This is nothing compared to finding the strength to make it through the day afraid of passing out, afraid I wouldn't be here for my kids, my husband and not knowing why my system was failing me. So getting a cold is nothing compared to my most trying times. This is change I can live with. Knowing I made it through those days of not having the energy to survive and I did. I managed and I did it so I know I can manage to rearrange my life to get through this bump in the road.  This is nothing!! Take care, Peace!!

Killer Allergies!!

Oh for the love all things holy, my eyes are on fire!! I noticed last night after Army Wives my eyes were swollen and they were kinda itchy and I thought because I was crying some of my makeup got into them. I went to bed with my eye drops and then this morning...oh my!!

My eyes hurt like crazy and they itch like mad and I thought I was going to poke my eyes out so they wouldn't hurt anymore. It's crazy and then I'm carry for a little boy who's sick with a mild fever. It's been a rough day. I want to cry but I don't think my eyes could handle crying right now. I'm sure they would start burning and catch on fire. I don't want that right now.

We think the boy caught a bug from my daughter's friend birthday party last Thursday. The day in the life of me of never ending allergies and little running noses. Some relief would help!! Take care, Peace!!

PS: Yesterday's airshow rocked!! I'm half blind so I kept taking pictures of birds thinking they were airplanes. Don't ask!! F 18's rule. Flew right over our heads yesterday. That was so awesome!!

Divide and Conquer!!!

It's been almost a year since our daughter started her sleeping problem. Frankly, she has never been a good sleeper even when she was a baby but we forced and stood our ground until she was on a sleeping schedule and it worked for the most part of her life until she turned 4 years old. I don't know what it was about her turning 4 but our happy child turned into a defiant, I know more than you kind of girl and she pushed, demanded, just tried to wear my hubby and myself down. It was a battle of who could last the longest. We would look at our little girl thinking is she ours? She can't be our sweet little girl can she? It seemed like she changed over night. Lately, she's been wanting to sleep neither with the hubby or myself. Last night she moved into our bed with me and the hubby got moved into sleeping with the boy. I think we're setting up a bad habit with him and we'll be putting an end to that tonight. Our son doesn't need to have a sleeping problem. He's the sleeper in the family and I want to keep it like that. I don't know if I can handle two kids who can't sleep. That would be the worst. All we got out of all this is she's scared to sleep. She won't tell us why she's scared but she doesn't want to sleep alone. My hubby and I had long talks about what to do with her. We all need our sleep and good sleep then broken up sleep through out the night. I figured now it's better to get her having a good night sleep then having a struggling match with her at 4:00 am. It's hard and of course, you want your child to feel secure. I want her to feel safe and where to start is the challenge. How do you let your child know you love them without making them feel rejected especially at night? It just breaks my heart really, and is this something we need to fix now and are we doing the right thing now or are we making it worse for her? What is the right thing to do? Is this a battle we want to keep going on down the road or just let this one go and we as her parents let her have this fight. It's figuring out why she's scared is the real question here and when she doesn't know how to express herself with words is the hard part. I guess we'll have to keep listening to her and keep telling her over and over how much love she is and we all love her. She's special and a wonderful little girl who has feelings. She'll be five in a few weeks and being 5 maybe it will be less scary for her. It's just tough as a mother to feel defeated by a 4 year old over her sleep. She sure is a strong determined child and smart for her own good sometimes. It's a journey for sure and this life challenge with our battle over her sleep has made me tired and worn down but I must move forward and keep trying to make her feel less scared. Some day it won't be a struggle. Take care, Peace!!!

Medical problems are a pain in my ass!!

I should be sleeping right now but I like to conflict pain onto myself and if I went to bed I would have thoughts running all crazy up in there in what I call my brain so I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway so here I am tired like a crazy person. Sometimes I would love to live in my happy place where I don't have any medical problems what so ever!! I don't remember the last time I felt normal. Anemia, low blood pressure and everything else I have piled onto my life which runs me down to where I just want to sit in a corner and cry is just something I keep trying to remind myself I have no control over. It's something I have to live with and learn to deal. I have to deal and most of the time I just deal but there are other times like most of the time I'm trying to figure out how to deal. It's so hard and being run down I just have to bitch about it. Bitching about it feels damn good. So I'm getting tired of this yo-yo cold I've been fighting since Halloween. It could be the piggie flu but who knows but when I think I've recovered it comes back full force. I have a good day where I can actually breath to the next day my head is stuffed full of shit and the pressure is just to the point of not killing anyone. I seriously want to be so over and done and would like to have my sanity back if that's possible. I would have a happier life is I was feeling better. I think the kids will remember this faze in there life as mommy being a crazy person on steroids. There is only room for one drama queen in our house and that's momma bear right now. I'm not surprised our daughter is also a drama queen having melt downs every chance she can get lately, It's not like I'm breaking down and crying every second but really I would like too. I'm just a total bitch with no patience more often then I would like. It's so not me. I'm the happy go with the flow kinda gal and this period in my life is not one of my finer qualities I want to admire or teach my kids. I seriously need a chill pill. Vacation from my life is what I really need and if people know how that's possible do tell I would like to know. I sure need a serious break. I really don't have patience for when people get sick and complain how bad they feel because frankly I feel bad every day. I pick myself up every morning and find the strength to take care of my kids and make sure our house doesn't implode so feeling sick doesn't get any sympathy from me. Live in my shoes for a day and you wouldn't be complaining anymore. Just think of feeling the worst you have ever felt when you were sick and remember I feel like that on a good day. I haven't really talked how bad I feel or explain how I feel because what good will that do and it's not like anyone can do anything about it and my Medical Doctor's don't know what to do about it but tell me to exercise like I understand the concept of exercise and how wonderful it is to the body like you don't need a degree to understand why it's good for you but they can't wrap it around there educated brains if I attempt to exercise like they are asking me too I will land myself in the ER. Are they prepared to pay for my medical bills when this happens? I get at least light headed 5 times a day and that's on a good day. I'm not passing out anymore thank god!! but I have two little kids I have to take care of during the day. My hubby is wonderful already when I get too worn out to care for them but he can't be rushing home all the time taking care of me and the kids. He has to work because he makes the money and I can't risk him losing his job because I'm trying to get the proper amount of cardio I need during the week. I don't need my children to get used to seeing the inside of an emergency room neither. I don't think the Doctor's also understand taking care of two young one's is work and tidying a house is work. If that's not exercise I must be on a loony train. These educated Doctor's don't actually consider my taking care of two little one's as the right proper amount of exercise I should be doing. What I want to do is tell them where to shove there educated diploma's. So I'm doing what I can do to find the inner strength to get though the day in one piece with the goal to have two happy kids, a nice tidy house and a good marriage. Take care, Peace!!

Sleep..I want some of that!!!

My family got hit with some sickness last week. Could it be this piggy flu? I don't know but it sure bite us all in the ass and what's so weird is we all were affected differently. The latest is our little boy. He decided to power puke most of yesterday afternoon and cleaning up a cranky two year old is like scratching your fingernails down a chalk board. I'm a paranoid mother and we had baby monitor's in our kids rooms even though they really don't need to have them in there but I need to feel secure that my children are fine while I'm sleeping and to keep tabs on them at night but a few weeks ago both baby monitor's decided not to work anymore. That's fine the decision was made for me to get over my fear and let them be. Yesterday even though I knew my little boy was sick I decided to let him sleep in his own room for nap time. Why wouldn't he want to sleep in his own bed? I figured he would be fine in there and he's a sleeper so I wasn't worried to much but when I went to get him up I realized he power puked all over his carpeted bedroom floor and all over his bed. Bad mommy is how I felt. If I only had that baby monitor!!! My poor little boy was alone with no one to comfort him in his time of sickness. As the paranoid mother that I am and to feel like I'm getting back into the good graces I decided to sleep with him last night so if he got sick again I'll be there. Well I managed to sneak in his room without waking him up climbed into his bed and fell asleep. Then it felt like I just went to bed and the boy informed me he had a poo in his pull up. So we got up and went downstairs and I couldn't figure out why he was walking so weird in my not so awake state until I opened that sucker up and an explosion of poo was everywhere. I just happened to look at the clock and it was 4:30am. That's fine because he needed that nastiness of a pull up changed but not like me who could easily go back to bed the son felt it was time to start his day so here the both of us are up in the middle of the night watching the Disney Channel and eating fish crackers. Go mommy!!!!! Where's my coffee? Take care, Peace!!!!

Here we go again!!

Whenever Fall rolls around I just want to curl up in a bubble and hide. I'm so overwhelmed I'm considering going back to drinking....seriously I will not do this because I understand for one I'm a bad drunk but I've considered this deeply. I have a sick child, my eyes are hurting like crazy because my allergies hate fall and I need a break so I can sleep and just be a lazy bum for a few days. The hubby gets a week off in November and we were planning to go to Reno for our anniversary for 5 days but with our not so good money management we could go but then wouldn't enjoy ourselves to have a wonderful time so we decided not to go to Reno this year. I'm still crying about not going to Reno. I should get over myself but hey, I'm a drama queen and I understand where my daughter gets this from. Anyway, drama queen or not I was looking forward to Reno for an entire year and then bam, it's not happening so I'm being drama about it. Back to my allergies. I don't know what it is about fall that turn my eyes and skin into an itchy pain fest. Maybe it's because it getting colder and I close the windows and turn on the heat. Whatever is the reason I just want to curl up and cry. My eyes right now are two shades of red and it looks like I've been crying for days. My skin feels like a Brillo pad and I think I scratched off the first layer of my skin. I'm not a pretty sight at the moment. The hubby says I still look sexy but sometimes I wonder what he's smoking because I would love some of that right now. Take care, Peace!!!

Life is too short for this shit!!!

Okay,I'm on day 3 of having the flu. At first I thought it was just a 24 hour bug that wasn't all that bad until Thursday mid-morning I couldn't keep my eyes open. I called the hubby and asked him to come home because I was neglecting the children. I just couldn't get my ass in gear to do the simplest thing and thank god he was able to come home so I could sleep and sleep is what I did. I woke up around dinner time. That night I realized my bones were hurting and not only were they hurting it felt like someone was taking a knife to them and stabbing it in my spine. I was thinking this can't be normal but brushed it off as just having a bug because I actually wasn't running a fever. I asked the hubby if he could call the grandparents if they could come over to take care of the kids on Friday because by this time I wasn't feeling much of doing anything let alone taking care of two children so the grandparents came over Friday. I woke up this morning freezing and a fever. I felt like someone ran me over in the night and then left me in a ditch. I missed our cousin's 3 rd birthday party. At least the hubby took the kids because I would have felt guilty if they couldn't go because of me. I need to turn this health around because I have lots to do. The daughter's birthday party is next Saturday and oh the house is in shambles. I think I need to hire a Molly maid, oh that's right, the hubby has all next week off. I'll make him work all week doing what I can't. I've been debating if I should go see a Doctor but frankly, the last time I went to the ER they hooked me up to some drip and bitched to me about my diabetes. It was a waste of my time. I hate stupid Doctor's. I hate the condescending Doctor's who think they know everything and you're telling them different and they are acting like I'm the professional and then they find out you were right from the beginning. The one thing I learned about having several chronic Diseases I know my body and what my body reacts to so when a Doctor thinks they know me better than I know myself I can get a little bitchy....okay, I can get extremely bitchy. Typically you're in the ER because you're sick so waiting around, getting poked with needles, taking medicine that doesn't do shit is not my idea of spending several hours of my time. I better be severally sick like when I had walking pneumonia during the last pregnancy. I knew I needed medical intervention when I couldn't breath or when last summer during the Day out with Thomas when I was throwing up water and burning up. I was a mess. I'm at stage 6 right now and I'm on cranky but I can deal with the aches and pains for now. It kind of gets worst during the night so God help me get through the night because I don't think the hubby would appreciate having to drive me to the ER during the night when we all could be sleeping all nice and soundly. In the last couple of hours it feels like one of my cats scratched the back of my throat which isn't good because unfortunate for me I tend to get Bronchitis because of the Asthma related to my allergy to dust mites. Oh how fun for me!!!! Life is what it is but I take my Advair so it's all good but once in a while that slippery bug gets past the wall of medications I take and this bug is trying to bring me down. Not on your life bud but then again I may lose this fight and have to spend a few hours in the ER. As much as I hate having to go my body is beat up from the Anemia and Low blood pressure. I want to cry like my almost two year old son does on a regular basis but I can't because then my head gets clogged even more so I'm crying in my head. I'm a mess but like anything else in my life I'll pull through. Damn it, I'm feeling like shit but I don't want to spend the night in some hospital room hooked up to some IV. I just want some strong painkillers to knock me out for a few hours. Pain free, all I want is pain free baby!!! Pain Free!!! Take care,Peace!!!