Come, I'll show you!!

I have deep rooted emotions I've been trying to figure out the past few months. I've been getting "Forgiveness" flashing in my face so I'm working on forgiveness in all aspects of my life and frankly, I suck at forgiving. Things I thought I have forgiven I realized I have not. I've been walking this interesting journey these past few weeks and as much as I've been fighting change on my emotional journey I've been learning more about my life. It's interesting when you just sit and listen. I've been listening and learning more of the ways through my heart it has brought me tears of joy and the layers of brokenness that has collected there full of pain I just pushed aside because I couldn't face rejection within my life. It shouldn't amaze me when the grace of God has touched my life like a silence of light just shining down onto my soul showing me but it does because I'm still fighting the thought that is "Why me?"

Sure, I can give countless accounts of why I'm not worthy of grace, mercy and forgiveness. I realized I have deep rooted trauma within my heart that traps me in fear, anxiety and pain. I know I can't fully move forward until I brake down those trauma's I have stored within my heart, those trauma's I have built because as a child I didn't know how to deal with them emotionally. They are rooted in there so deep and boobie trapped it's crazy how I manage to live.

Lately, I've been angry. My heart is so full of rage right now and it kind of scares me. I have Zero patience for my family. I love my family so much and at the same time I can't stand to be around them. They are driving me crazy with the kids fighting non stop with each other and my husband would rather fix other things then being present with his own family. I just tune out because I'm tired of him coming home grab his computer and play his video games all the time and the only time he helps out around our home is when I've lost it and stream is coming out of my ears. Why is it that he can do things and volunteer outside the home but can't manage to fix and finish projects around his own home? I'm getting tired of living in this chaos and I do think about leaving. Yes, I have thought of leaving my family like walking away I get so frustrated. I am not happy and I'm ashamed my house is the way it is and it's embarrassing to me. I'm embarrassed of my home and my thoughts about leaving the ones I care about the most. I'm so not worthy.

I keep telling my husband I need a break and then the empty promises that come after. I'm starting to think no one is hearing me. I have nothing else to give and I'm on empty full of brokenness!! Take care, Peace!!

I want some Lemonade!!

Joe Flanigan you're hot. So I came across a You Tube video from a link off Twitter about Joe Flanigan. He's promoting a weight loss drink called Fat Burning Lemonade. I don't think I need to lose weight but then again I have some excess mommy jiggle around my stomach from giving birth to two babies and it just won't go away so maybe I may try this because if Joe is using this product it can't be all that bad...can it?

So I was all giddy watching a video with Joe in it because frankly, I enjoy watching Joe. I can't get enough of him. My hubby thinks it's funny especially when I want to manipulate my son's hair so he has the Flan do. So lame I know!

So what caught my eye from the video is he said "then he starts Bonking". WTF!! Is Bonking a new word for sex? Like this product gets you all hyped up and it makes you all horny or something like Joe, are you endorsing a sexual product? Where's my Credit Card? I want this stuff now.

So googling later Bonking doesn't mean anything sexual. Bummer!! Bonking is passing out from low blood sugar from doing vigorous exercise. Thank god, that will never happen to me because I'm the one who passes out from drinking too much water. I'm also a diabetic so passing out from low blood sugar I would have more too worry about then Bonking from exercise.

You want to see a women get all fluttered is at the end when he does this little kiss thing with his lips. I know he was doing that for me...ha ha ha!! A girl can dream can't she? I so would like to meet him someday. I can watch Joe all day. Enjoy this little video.



I think I need a cold shower to cool myself off. Man, he's hot!! Now I'm embarrassing myself getting all worked up for a hot guy but really, He's HOT!! Take care, Peace!!!

Alcoholism!!!

It took me to stop drinking alcohol by fracturing my left arm tripping over a bench. That's right, I broke my arm tripping over a bench. That's me!! I was at my husbands work holiday function in January 2003 and had a few drinks and went outside to have a smoke. I didn't see the bench until it was too late with me lying on the cold ground. I was embarrassed and ashamed because I try to keep myself self composed out in public especially when it came to my husbands work related functions. I don't really want to be known as that girl. You know who I'm talking about. That one person who drinks a little too much at parties and makes a complete ass out of themselves well for me I was that girl for that night but at least, there were only a few people outside when I did it but still I humiliated myself. So I quit drinking. I decided in my heart I really can't just have one drink. I wish I could have one drink like a normal person. I didn't need an intervention or a 12 step program to stop drinking. I just made the hard decision to not have that one drink. For me that one drink leads to another and another until I become drunk. Like I used to say "I'm not drunk, I'm just buzzin'". For me it was an excuse thinking I could handle just having one more. When I quit drinking I thought it would hard to be around other people who were drinking but really it didn't bother me. I was an adult and new just because I CHOOSE to not drink doesn't mean they couldn't. I came to realize living dry as I put it made me look closer to my inner self. I really didn't like myself when I drank. I've done things which broke my own inner heart and for along time it ate me up inside. I couldn't forgive myself for what I did when I drank. I love the social part of drinking, going to bars, hanging with my friends and having a good time but it always got overshadowed by the stupid shit I used to do after I was drunk. For me, I was never the serial free love kind of girl or didn't want to be. I just didn't want to give myself to any guy who gave me the slightest attention but you know what? I was that girl who just gave it up when I was over the limit of alcohol and my guard was down, my morals and values were out the door to the point of no return. That's what alcohol did to me. My moral compass got shot after I had too many drinks and I had fun without no consequences. It was what it was. Stupid!!! I also became a serial cheater on my hubby when we weren't married yet. I justified cheating on I was lonely and our relationship was long distance but really I didn't have proper judgement when I was drinking. Nope, no good judgment. I'm not a serial cheater in my heart but I became one. I became someone I didn't want to be. Why would I cheat on someone I loved who I wanted to be with? I don't have the answer because it got clouded by alcohol. If I wasn't an alcoholic back then I wouldn't have cheated and that's fact. I never slept with someone when I was sober and the relationship I had with my husband's best friend wasn't a sexual relationship and yes, I cheated emotionally and sometimes some people find that harder to forgive then just cheating by one night stands of pure lustful sex. Cheating is cheating when you're not fully with your significant other and like I said, my husband forgave me for that. Some of the guys I don't regret sleeping with. Some of them were friends like you would call with benefits, the booty call kind of way. I cared for some of them and it was what it was. Now, most of them I could just forget about. I could pass this time in my life where I was just experimenting but I was in a relationship and it doesn't make it right. I really had two major relationships in my life. The first one I was in for 7.5 years which didn't work out because of abuse and it wasn't that great and my relationship with my hubby. I love my hubby and I'm glad he never gave up on me even when I told him the truth. For me to get better I had to let him know what happened. I couldn't go on being with him based on a lie. I could never heal my heart and be the better person who I believed I wanted to be if I didn't tell him of the cheating. For me, I couldn't be with him knowing I had this secret. A secret of infidelity he should know about before we got married. It took time and I worked my butt off to make him understand I loved him and wanted to be with only him. That's why I believe in my marriage vows so much and I truly believe them and it's why I'm still embarrassed of the things I did when I was drunk. I will never cheat on him. I couldn't, and wouldn't put myself in a situation where their is temptation to do so. That part of my life is over and I understand the ramifications of the consequences of the affects of cheating. I don't ever want to re-live that part of my life again. Now I'm slowly healing my heart, healing that part of my soul I destroyed by drinking. I went into a depression after I came to realize I don't want that life. Why would I allow myself to self destruct like that? Lots of factors on self destruction but one thing I could change was to stop drinking. I had the choice to at least, do that! I really don't want to be that person. Drinking for me only leads to unwanted drama neither I was causing it or someone else. It's really not worth it. Now yes, I have had alcohol since then but it's been more in a controlled environment. My hubby and I drink wine at night together but not in access to the point I can't function. I'm also not drinking to hide and run away from my inner demons anymore. I still believe I'm an alcoholic but at least I know I have a limit and I'm aware I just can't have that one drink!! Take care, Peace!!

Embarassing moments in life!

Okay, I tend to do things in my life neither turns my face red or embarrass myself just out of being clumsy and just out right a dumbass. I try to brush it off as nothing because it's so embarrassing in the end I have to laugh at myself. I try to not take anything serious because most of the time I tend to see things in a fun light. I will write some of my embarrassing moments and most of them are truly funny. I will jump from past to present and all in between. The first embarrassing moment was when my BFF and I went on our trip to California. We saved our money so we could have a great time but this trip also had many of embarrassing moments. The hotel we stayed at had a restaurant and had some good looking guys working there and this one day I was drinking a glass of water and the ice in the glass splashed the water all over my 19 year old pretending to be all that and a cute waiter coming over asking me if I wanted more water when half of the glass of water was on my face. Can you say go hide under a rock. How cool is this situation? Not so smooth and more like awkward. The next time was coming back on the airplane from San Francisco to Toronto. We took the red eye flight out so everyone was quiet and my BFF wanted something to drink so I was going to go up and get her a drink but when I was about to get up I burped and sneezed at the same time so it was loud and not only that a mother with her baby just managed to get her baby to sleep and I made the baby cry. Lets just say I didn't get up and I tried to hide in my small airplane seat. How crazy is that making a baby cry? I felt so bad and it's not like I could go anywhere because I was on an airplane. My hubby and I got into a Habit every time we saw a Police Car we would go "oh there's the Po Po","Five oh, Five Oh". I know it's lame and it wasn't to disrespect the Police or anything but more like goofing around in the car. Lets just say we don't do it anymore. When my daughter was 15 months old we always took a daily walk to our neighbourhood grocery store and the local Police Officers would hang out at Baha Fresh for lunch and this one day my daughter who was 15 months remember decided to yell out "momma, look the Po Po", of course, they all turned around and looked at us. I almost died of embarrassment. I came back and said, yes Police Officers and got the hell out of there. We don't do the goofing in the car anymore or say anything like that anymore. Man, children are definitely like sponges. It just amazes me how she put Po Po with Police Officer because we never actually pointed out a Police Officer and said there's the Po Po. We definitely learned our red faced lesson on this one. I didn't realize how long with children distractions this entry would take so long so this is my last embarrassing moment. I may even do a entry or two on all embarrassing moments because I have plenty to write a thick book about on them. I can't remember how old I was at the time. I think it's more like I want to forget my age because at the time I just wanted to hide in the mud I was laying in. (no pun intended) :) A friend of mine owned a horse and this particular day the guys summer soccer team were practicing at the High School field and we as in my friends were hanging out watching them play and for some reason I asked if I could ride the horse. I rode a pony before and in my head thinking what an expert I am in my life growing up on a farm as a little wee one. Okay I was 5 years old when I last rode on a pony. I just said a pony. I thought in my pee brain I knew what I was doing taking a ride on a Horse!! She said yes, so the next thing I remember the horse took off down to the Elementary School Field. I tried to stop it and then in a panic I was screaming for the horse to stop and then it did but I didn't stay up on the said horse but FLEW over the head of the horse and landed in a thick layer of mud with the whole guys soccer team watching me. This scene would have been perfect on "America's Funniest Home Videos" or "You Tube". At least, I remembered to stay still so the scared Horse wouldn't trample me. The one thing is it was during the summer and I could have hid in my room all summer but unfortunate for me I was a soccer player and had to hear about it for weeks from all the guys. Now, it's funny but not so much back then! Whatever embarrassing moments you have in your life, it's easier to just have a good laugh even when it involves you. Take care, Peace! Edit: I remembered this last embarrassing moment and it is pretty funny. I used to be involved in lots of different sports as a kid, from swimming, basketball, soccer, and of course downhill skiing. Between soccer and downhill I would say they were my favorite sports. This one time our 7th grade class decided to go downhill skiing for a school trip or was it the 9th grade. I can't remember but I thought I was good, okay I was good but this particular day I wanted to show off. My friends and I would have races to see who could get down to the bottom of the hill first and this one day I hit an ice patch and my left ski fell off and I tumbled a good distance down the hill. AS I looked up half of the chair lift was watching me do some Olympic tumble down the hill. I'm sure it looked like a horrendous fall because I most likely looked like a pathetic rag doll doing gymnastics down the hill and when I stopped I was fine but it was pretty embarrassing when I was bragging how a great skier I was before the trip. I got teased for this one but at least, I didn't sprain my ankle in my ski boot like a friend of mine did. Neither her boot was too big or she didn't tighten her boot properly. Making an ass out of myself is my speciality!