The pain is too real!!

I'm on an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs lately and frankly I don't seem alarmed because I'm like this every year around this time. It could be lack of sun. The time of year just brings out the worst in me. I don't want drugs. I never want to put myself on prescription drugs again. If I have no choice like last week when I had a really bad sinus infection. I needed drugs for that. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind but then again I would be more concerned if I wasn't going through this.

I wasn't going to write about my struggles about dreaming about John but I feel like I should. I'm sure more people feel this way in the winter months then they want to share. I feel like if I don't talk about my struggles I can't be straight with myself. I know I got it easy. I know my life isn't that bad. I know I think I'm going crazy sometimes because thoughts have popped into my mind I wish they weren't there. My brain is on overdrive. I've been dreaming a lot about John lately. I know I said I wouldn't use names on my blog but you know what? I'm hoping if I just express to the universe I'm frustrated my thoughts will change.

My husband does come here to read  and at this point I really don't care. That's sad to me and it's not like I want to hurt him. It's not like I want him to know I've been having dreams of his friend who I had a small history with. This is who I am, broken with a past of self destruction and emotional sadness.

Today I was actually happy I have lost weight and I didn't fit into one of my favorite dresses. I was also not pleased because I think I can lose more weight. I need to work on this because it's alarming to think I could be falling into my pattern of my eating disorder. I try not to think about wanting to lose weight. I'm working on maintaining the size I'm at but I have to be honest I was actually happy I lost weight.

At this moment I weight 119lbs. My BMI is low to normal but I can fit into my size 4 jeans and in Canada that's a size 6 which is normal so I'm happy. Apart of me wishes I could be smaller. I just have to say it. I have to own my feelings. I have to knowledge my pain. I have to be honest with my thoughts. That's how I have to know what I need to work on. Having an eating disorder you need to be truthful with your thoughts because if you don't then life can be hard. I'm aware of my pain so now I'm talking about feeling happy I'm losing weight. It's out there now. I should be accountable for my actions.

It's not pretty seeing me self destruct this way. It's not pretty I wish harm on myself. It's not pretty!!  It's not right songs I love are being picked off one at a time being manipulated by bad dreams of self destruction. My safe haven is being tainted by self destruction and my downward spiral into darkness.

Sometimes I just want too fall into darkness. The pressure of living a clean life is hard. It's hard work and sometimes the work is not worth it. Sometimes I just want to just give in to living easy. I love this song hero. It meant something special to me. It was one song I could listen too and feel safe. Why does the most cherished songs have to be one of the songs of my fallen down a path of self pity and pain.

Please just let me be so I can heal and be saved. I want to be saved so I don't have to hurt anymore. Take care, Peace!!

Indianprincess...this is me!!

Who are you? Well my real name is Darlene. I like writing about random things and most of the time I'm listening to some form of music. I am a wife to the most understanding and supportive husband and I'm a mother to two wonderful little kids age 5 and 3. I have lots of self anxieties which neither is a hindrance or a gift. I haven't made up my mind about that yet. I characterize myself as an awkward goof with a kind heart. I kinda get flighty when I feel like life is getting too structured for me yet I like to be laid back and that's another conflicting trait I possess.

My husband is my opposite which comes in handy when I'm all over the place when I'm stuck in my head. He brings me back to earth with my wacky doodle tenancies. I like sharing my life experiences and I'm not ashamed of what I have written on my blog. It's my life and what can I do?

Some people may think I'm just crazy and I'm fine with that. I'll take the job as the crazy person because someone has to take the job. I don't take myself serious as you can tell. I like to bring emotion to everything I do. I like to be reminded people are human and we all have feelings especially one's we want other people not to know about. I'm typically in your face about it. I may inspire someone or at least give someone a good laugh. I'm not picky with my writing and it is what it is!!

I seriously want a tattoo but I'm afraid of needles and putting myself through pain just to have a cute picture permanently sketched on my skin freaks me out. I don't care for pain. That's why I don't have one. I can still dream.

I've been a diabetic since I've been 17 years old. It sucks!! When my Doctor's bitch me out for not checking my blood sugars more often I just want to tell them to shove the lancet up their asses. Poking your finger hurts like hell.

I still have my demons I'm dealing with for example I have body image issues contributed by my eating disorder and on my good days I feel sexy and on my off days I feel like a frumpy old women. When I feel like a new change it's usually my hair that gets mangled first.

Feeling like you have no energy to function is hard. Going through this time was hard and frustrating and so exhausting I really don't know how I managed. It amazes me how my family managed through the worst of my health problems and we may be a little off and dysfunctional but we're here and that's all that matters.

I'm a work in progress and I change everyday tweaking myself here and there. I try to stay positive and I'm trying to getting my dysfunction out of my life. I know it's part of who I am so maybe the correct thing to say is I'm working on my dysfunction so I don't let it run my life into the ground. One step at a time!! We all need a hero in our lives and mine is the world!!

This is who I am!! You like me or you don't. No love lost!! Thank you for stumbling upon my craziness!! Take care, Peace!!

Livin' on the Edge!!

Life's not that bad for me now but sometimes I just have to breath so I can step back to see the true picture of my life. I have moments in my life where I just want to scream on the top of my lungs, hit the floor and say not today. Sometimes I just have no reason of why I feel like doing that and sometimes I feel overwhelmed and need a break and it's my way of putting life into prospective. I have it good. I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones who has made it from darkness into the light. Sometimes I just need a kick in the pants to show me I don't need to live in my head anymore. My crazy mind doesn't need for me to suffer anymore.

I look at my beautiful kids and I'm happy and my relationship with my hubby is the best. My family has a great life, and we are secure and we have each other. I'm truly blessed to have a wonderful support system with my extended family and friends. I have to remember I made this life for me. I worked hard so I can give my children a good home. I work and I'm mindful not to take my marriage for granted.

Sometimes my old ways comes through in times when I'm self conscience and then my awkward control issues which gives me anxiety. I'm working on this. I don't like this about my personality but it's something I work really hard to control :)  Control...ha ha!! I'm working on my control over my control issues. That's kinda funny!!

Sometimes I feel like I am living on the edge of good and evil. It's a struggle at times because I know what I want and I know what I want for my family but sometimes when I feel like I'm at my more vulnerable state of mind I feel like doing something really stupid. Seriously I can get stupid!! Say No to Stupid!!

Lately I feel insecure about aging. Maybe this is my mid-life crisis. I feel old and I feel like I look old and for people who know me knows I don't look old but I do feel old. I know it's a mindset but still. I feel like bitching!!

I get paranoid when I think this like my eating disorder is playing tricks on me like I know I will never be completely healed but in recovery so it freaks me out like I'm going to go down that path again. Then I get freaked out like maybe people will think I still have my eating disorder. I go places in my brain which is dangerous for my well being. I freak out and I over think to much. I stew over the stupidest stuff sometimes. My weight is an issue for me and it will always be an issue. I understand this and I know this but man, sometimes I wish it wasn't. I wish I didn't have a though in my mind that I should fit in a size two jeans then a size four jeans I fit into now. Then I feel guilty for thinking I should fit into a size two jeans and I should be happy at the weight and size that I am now and then I feel guilty for feeling guilty. Oh my, it's a never ending cycle of crazy until something happens that I realize what I'm doing is just plain whack a doodle.

How I deal with things like this is I start stressing over things I can't control. I know that's not a good thing where my head goes. Then it turns into down right freak out over things I can control like my house. I get bothered over the out of control my house seems. I like everything being in a place. I don't like clutter. I despise clutter so when I have three people in my house who are the opposite of me it's kinda hard for me to deal at times because I look around my space I call my home and things are piled up here and there. My hubby has his organized mess and my children have their toys everywhere. I get stressed my house stinks. Yes, I worry about my house stinking. It's overwhelms me. It drives my brain to the point of no return.  I'm a work in progress and trust me I'm not crazy like this all the time I swear. :)

Then I worry I'm sending out bad vibes like a certain someone will come back into my life and just mess everything all up for me because frankly, I don't know what I'll do in regards to this person. I say I can make great decisions but unless I'm tested by the Universe I won't know if I'll make the right choices. No bad vibes please!!

Then I have to remember the most important things to life. Does it really matter I have dishes in the sink for a day? Does it matter I didn't finish the vacuuming in one day? I fret over the small stuff and I'm learning to let go of some of my worries. Just let it go. Fly free worries and anxieties. Fly Free!! Life is truly a blessing. Take care, Peace!!

Someone wanted to know!!

So I got an email the other day and I meant to write an entry on it that day but I lost track of time until now. Sorry anonymous I forgot to respond. This person wanted to know how my eating disorder is doing. Well, it's good and at times not so good. It's a daily struggle and I won't lie. I have days where I just wish I didn't have those underlining thoughts of self destruction. It's easy to just fall down and allow my demons to just take over. My thoughts sometimes are just not good for me. I call them my insecurities. I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, I could lose more weight, and so on and so on. It's a nightmare but I stop myself from going down this road by understanding I can't for my kids. I can't lay down and die especially because of my daughter. I hope she never has to deal with this disease and I don't ever want her to go down this path because of actions I have shown her. How devastated I would be if she went down this road because she learned it from me. I get so upset just thinking about the horror it would shatter my soul to know I caused her to feel she needed to do drastic behavior because of me. Brings me to tears just thinking about it. I'll do anything and work hard to fight my demons from my own eating disorder so I don't show her bad behavior and think that's what girls should do. Never!!! This is why I have to not allow my eating disorder to control me for the sake of my daughter!!!! She deserves better!!! It's a form of control I deal with on a daily basis and most days I'm cool. It's freshening not to have a thought or a trigger take over my thoughts and I'm like this is nice but there are days where life is tough and I got to control it somehow so my anxieties can calm down. I'm not on medications for anxiety but sometimes I just want to run to my doctor so I wouldn't have to feel anything but really, that won't help deal with the thought of why I feel so out of control. It's better to deal with the feeling and find a solution and keep moving forward. I'm not saying it's easy and celebrities say they are ED free are only kidding you. You can have a normal life with an eating disorder but it's making sure you are living a healthy life but you never really get over it. Anything and I mean anything can trigger a mishap with an eating disorder. Like I know when I eat too much for dinner the first thought is I should go and purge a little and that might make me feel a little better or their is a function in a week so if I cut back on my food I just may fit into the outfit just a little better. All kinds of situations you have to be careful about and be aware of so those insecurities don't lead you down the dark path your eating disorder wants you to go down. It's a very scary place and really it's my safety net as I have no where to purge. I'm a stay at home mother, I'm with my kids majority of the time and they never let me close the bathroom door so for me it's like a scared tactic to not let them see me with my head in the toilet unless I'm really sick. So I gave myself an excuse on not to throw up in the toilet. I can't over eat because I have no where to purge it because my kids could see me so I don't over eat. It works, whatever gets you though the day on the good side who cares how you manage to do it. I want to be a good example to my kids and my motivation is I don't want them to see me struggle with this disease. I'm healing and I'll keep healing on good days and the bad but I know I'm doing my best I can. Take care, Peace!!

My faith and me!!

There comes a time in your life where you get it or you don't. If I haven't gotten it by now they my life would be a lot harder right now. There was a time in my life where I call it my dark period when my life was in chaos and despair. I was sinking spiritually and I didn't know how to get myself out of it. It was a rough and destructive time in my life where I would rather not want to experience again. I honestly don't know how I manged to survive that time. I was a mess and I was in pain but what kept me going is I new I deserved better. I was searching for a better life but the decisions I was making were making it tough for me until I got pregnant and then it was a whole new ball game. I didn't know at the time if I had religion or faith but I felt something was greater than I was and I held onto that. I knew if I kept believing something was guiding me onto the right path I should start believing it. I lost touch with God during my most trying times. Of course I did. Why would I think God loved me with the things I have done? It's not like I was living on the life of righteousness and I was doing things that you would consider sins from the bible so why would God forgive me? All I new about religion was Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he died for our sins. I just didn't understand what that meant. I just new I didn't fit the requirements for heaven. During my dark time I really didn't care if I went to heaven. Hell didn't seem all that bad because I really believed I deserved to wrought in hell. I didn't think I deserved anything better so that was fine for me until I was showed unconditional love like somehow people loved me for me and saw I did have something worth saving. Since my daughter has been born I realized my life is a vessel. It's what I make of it and I have the choice to make it great or I can make it a hell on earth. I can't blame my life on anyone but me. This last sentence I understand. It's so easy to just blame your bad decisions on someone else but to be understanding, responsible you have to own your own life. You choose to make decisions to burden your own life so blame yourself for your dumb ass decisions. Take responsibility for your life. If you believe in God or not. It's a good life lesson. There are decisions I have made in my life I feel are very hard for me to forgive myself. I have hurt people in my life whom I love and I respect. It's hard to just forgive my heart for that. It's my own way of suffering to remember where I have been. I'm not struggling with it in a way I'm hurting but I have put it in perspective to understand I have been truly forgiven in Gods eyes yet at the same time I remember those sins so I will make sure I will never go back. I'm truly sorry and I learned in my heart I could never do that again. I won't hurt my family like that. I will fight my inner demons so my family will never see me go through that part of my life. I know what the consequences are if I choose to go down the dark path in my life. I understand the pain of infidelity( on my part), eating disorders, and alcoholism. I could be missing some, but I know how destructive my life was and how much pain I was living in so I'm sure the people I loved and the people who loved me having to see that and knowing I was causing them pain. It's hard for me to think I was causing someone else pain. I'm truly sorry!! So you can imagine if I was hurting and I felt like I was drowning in the life then the people who love you are also feeling the pain and hurt watching you destroy your life. Why live like that? Why put yourself in situations where you know could be damaging your soul? I did and I could never in a millions years go back to that. I truly care about people, and sometimes I think I care a little to much but at the end of the journey I call my life I want to know I ran with it and lived the best I could the whole imperfect person I am. We all make mistakes but it's what you learn from those mistakes that count. I trust in God, I trust if I pray for answers I will get them. I asked for redemption and I pray and I repent my sins. I always tell my daughter you will never know your answer if you don't ask a question so I asked for help which guides me on the right path for a better life. By doing that I know I will get my answers. Sometimes I don't listen but when I do I can hear it and I know I'm doing the right thing. If you don't believe in God, it applies in the same way. Just try to do your best and make the right decisions and life will seems a whole lot easier. Life doesn't have to be hard and it's your choice if you allow it or not. Take care, Peace!!!

Continuing working the program!!

Well things are better and once I finished the last post I went and ate something. I know it's alarming but I don't think I could not eat on purpose anymore like I used to before I got therapy. I'm going through a rough patch but I think I was over analyzing the situation and got myself all in a fluster the other day. I tend to do that but when something is bothering me I tend to over react and I'm working on it. Man, I feel silly but now I know I still have things to work on and that's a good thing. I'm learning not everything has to be trauma. Well this is an update post from the other days post. This post will be short because Wednesdays are my very long days because the hubby comes home real late so I don't get that extra support and help with the kids especially when I'm not completely 100% better. Today was just crazy with my daughter having school and my son having his speech therapy appointment. I know that is nothing to some people's schedules but to me today drained a lot of energy out of me and I'm so deadbeat tired I have to go to bed so I can be refreshed for tomorrow. Life is actually good but sometimes you have to get over small bumps or try to heal old wounds. Take care, Peace!!!!!

Just one of those struggles!!!

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I have some serious blues and I can't figure out why until I was sitting on my couch this morning worrying about my weight. Man, sometimes I wish I didn't have an Eating Disorder and I can just have my thoughts without my thoughts tainted by destruction and self pity. The last time I went to the Doctor back in July she said I had to gain some weight and I was like Hell no. I will not gain weight on purpose. Okay, I maybe underweight to everyone else but to me I could lose more weight but you know I have a hard time with the word weight. When it comes up I just want to crawl in a hole and not have to think about it and hopefully if I don't acknowledge it maybe somehow it will just go away. I don't like dealing with things which are hard for me to handle but this morning I'm freaking out about my weight. I tried to eat some food this morning and something I enjoy eating but I couldn't put it in my mouth like it was diseased and the most grossest thing in the world. I tried some fruit but no I just couldn't touch the stuff. I haven't eaten anything today and I really don't feel like eating and that alarms me. I'm so frustrated with myself. I understand I should just eat something and what's the big deal but to me and anyone who has ever dealt with this disease knows that's the hardest thing to do is just go eat something. It's like the fear of heights. The anxiety level right now is through the roof as we speak. I want to be real about this and sometimes when I feel like this I want to go hide my head in shame and close myself off to the world. This is my shame, my pain and my dirty little secret but I know by just running away from it all isn't going to help me any or my family. I need to talk about it and just let my feeling fly free so it's out their and then I will have to be accountable to this disease. I feel like I'm in transition because I can go months not being bothered by my eating disorder and than BAM it's in my face making me feel so insecure and then I want to just cry. I want to cry and I don't want to deal with this but I know it's important to because this bump in the road isn't going to fix itself if I just ignore it. Man, I wonder why I put myself in my own self drama because it hurts? It's like the time I used to be a self cutter. I know I never talked about that time in my life before and it's the first time I even mentioned it. I don't think my close friends or family even know about that but hey, I'm keeping it real so it's out their now. When I used to self cut the release of self pain felt so good. I enjoy conflicting pain on myself like it was my own satisfaction and I looked at it as Look, you can't hurt me like I can hurt myself. I know that's twisted thinking but when you lived my life and was treated the way my parents treated me you kind of get a little dysfunctional. It was like I was releasing the intense pain I was feeling in my heart. I was in my early twenties when I started with self cutting and it ended as quick as it started. As much as it felt good in the moment I was afraid I would get caught and it was so different then getting caught being confronted with an eating disorder because you can deny and deny you have an eating disorder but with self cutting you leave evidence behind. You can't deny self cutting no matter how hard you try to hide it. I guess I'm just trying to say is I want to conflict pain on myself and years past I did this to just feel something. What I want to feel right now is my guess. I know it's something serious because I don't get in this state for no reason. Maybe in the next couple of days I will figure this all out so I can get back on my path of healthy living. Take care, Peace!!!

Lets talk!

Okay, I know I've already said I have an Eating Disorder and even wrote some posts about it. I think for me it's a part of me. I feel I'm in a good place where I'm doing the right thing keeping a good rain on this disease but it's easy to fall back into old habits. It's a drag sometimes like when you're hungry and the right thing to do is go get yourself something to eat right? Well for someone like myself I have to force myself to eat something like it's this struggle in my head to just get something to eat. Come on, it's that easy to just eat something and it's not that hard or a big deal. I realized my eating disorder wasn't to be thin but it was a bonus. For me it was to feel like I had some form of control of my life even though I wasn't in control of anything but torture and destruction but I didn't know that while I was involved in my head. I call my eating disorder a head disease but it's a struggle between good and evil of the brain. Your brain is telling you how worthless you are if you cave in and eat something like you're a loser or something. Then the good part of your brain is telling you to fight the evil part. It's a constant struggle which is exhausting and so messed up. There isn't anywhere for you to go because you can't leave yourself. It's that nagging voice in the back of your brain telling you what to do or not do. It's so time consuming nothing around you really matters even though everyone else matters but you don't know what to do about it. It's not like you want share your struggle with people because it's embarrassing to give your control away then there is nothing for you to feel like you have some control. It's a messed up disease and so backward thinking. It gets confusing and sometimes you don't know if you're coming or going. I don't know if I was discreet about my eating disorder. I started eating for comfort when I was 12 and 13. When I was 15 I learned I could eat and then purge called Bulimia. I was a bulimic for along time off and on through out my young adulthood. I then started becoming an anorexic and bulimic in my late twenties. Those days were torture and the pain in my soul just tore me up. My ED(eating disorder for short) was my secret and if someone would have confronted me during the darkest moments I would have denied denied and denied I had a problem. I was fortunate no one ever confronted me if I had a problem. I know having talked with the hubby he knew exacting what was going on but he didn't know how to get help for me. This is also a sore spot for me about the guilt you have and with me I feel guilty for putting my hubby through hell and I'm sure I wasn't easy to live with. Having an eating disorder is a selfish disease. It's selfish because it's all about you and yes, you have relationships but everything revolves around you and what you can handle. You are aware what you are doing to your body and no one can tell you any different when you are in your ED head. Everyone else has the problem and what you are doing is okay because it's just delusional what you are thinking. ED affects everyone in your life some directly and indirectly because ED can kill you so that affects everyone who loves you. It's selfish and I learned this from my group therapy which in turn made me feel even more guilty. I don't know how you would confront someone if you believe they have an eating disorder. I guess you would need to get a Doctor's advice. I gave myself my own intervention and got help on my own because I was tired and I needed a kick in my ass. It did take me getting pregnant with my daughter to be full aware of what I was doing to myself. It wasn't about me anymore. I had someone else to care for. It was a real wake up call. I wouldn't recommend to get pregnant. I was one of the lucky one's who got it after children. Some people are not so lucky. With any addiction disease the person needs to help themselves. The only person who can help you is yourself. My ED is still painful for me. I somethings feel like I'm losing my battle with this disease but I just have to look in my children's eyes and know why staying on the right path is important for me. My downfall will be from something else than me dying from my eating disorder. I don't want ED to be what I am about. I don't want people to associate me with how hard I struggled with an Eating Disorder. I'm better than that. I want to be known I did the best I could to be a hands on parent who did everything she could for her family. I would much rather be known as a fighter for the right reasons then the wrong reason called selfishness. I asked for help and I'm a better person for it. Thank you all!!!! Take care, Peace!!!!!

Talking about Eating is not my idea of fun!

Talking about my eating isn't my idea of something I like to discuss but this morning I need too. I ended my long relationship to a Eating Disorder online group this morning. I don't go on a daily basis but when times of struggle I go to read peoples posts and I try to remind myself why it's so important to me to keep battling my quest of a better life for me and my family. It's a daily struggle and it's hard but you work your program the best way you can and get by each day knowing you are doing the best you can. This morning I was feeling a little anxiety for the up in coming Thanksgiving dinner because one of the hang ups I have is eating in front of people. I don't feel comfortable about it and I know it sounds silly but I do so I wanted to work out my situation before I spiral out of control and do something stupid. So this morning I decided to go and get support. I find being around strangers with similar struggles as me and I feel like I'm not alone with my thoughts. Well I decided to this morning I'm not going to be apart of this Eating Disorder group anymore. I am very sad by this because I know in the past it has given me strength to say not today. This disease isn't going to win today! Well I went to the group and sure enough their was a discussion on this very topic and I was thinking wow this is right up my alley so I started reading some posts and felt like my help group turned into a pro eating disorder group. I felt heart broken so I wrote to the admin and she wrote me back saying the members in the group can talk about whatever they choose and if I didn't like it I could leave. I've been apart of this group for 8 years now and I'm tired right now and let down. I feel like my hope just went out the window but as much as I'm feeling so out of control right now I know I need to find another group so I can keep moving forward. It breaks my heart feeling like I don't have support when I need it like I'm all alone here trying to make my recovery work. I know right now I'm doing the best I can but it was always comforting knowing when I needed that extra push to put my head in the right direction I knew I had somewhere to go and this morning wasn't the case. I'm left in limbo feeling like I was failed this morning by a group I thought was on my side and strangers helping strangers getting support for a disease that wants to keep you in a dark destructive place in your head and then come to find out my sanctuary is over run by the very disease that this group was trying to fight against. I'm blue this morning. I may be down today but I'll find my inner strength to get me through this hard day. I will have to learn not only can I do this today but sometimes I may not get the support I need and learn to deal with my eating disorder without the help once in awhile but I do need to find another group. So many out there and I hope I find one I feel comfortable joining. Take care, Peace!

Reflection!

Okay, I found this old entry on my computer. I was doing a lot of writing for Therapy to get my feelings out. I didn't know how to express my thoughts by voice so I wrote a lot. The reason I'm sharing this entry because when I came across it I had to laugh about it. Not that I was laughing at my situation because those feelings I had were real but in time I thought I was going though deep stress but at this moment I was pregnant and didn't even know it. That's why I was laughing. The symptoms I was having were not ovarian failure but beginning stages of pregnancy. My recovery is a process and also I need to reflect where my life chapters started and when they ended. This life chapter had a good ending. Scared July 22, 2004 I don’t know what to do. This could be what will bring me down. This could be the last straw, the last slap across the face and the one thing that will put me over the edge. I went to see the doctor today and we talked and then she told me something I would never have thought she would suggest at my age. She thinks I maybe going through pre menopause or premature ovarian failure and I won’t know until the test results come back next week. Then we’ll go from there. I couldn’t cry before but I’m crying now. I’m scared and I’m so angry. Why me? Why now? Don’t you think I have enough on my plate GOD? Why does it have to be me? The one thing that keeps me going knowing someday I will be a mother and I may never get the chance to have one of my own. I will never get the chance to have my child grow inside of me. I’m so angry that there are people who have children and never should be parents. I’m working my recovery, I’m trying my hardest and I’m feeling all my old pain so I can deal with it. I’m trying and that’s all I can do. I’m doing my best to my ability right now. I’m hurting because of what I’m doing to R. He deserves a family with children of his own, his own blood and his legacy. I wanted to be the one to share the experience of being a parent with him. I was pregnant once and may be that was my chance to be a mother and I had the abortion and now I’m paying the price for that decision. I blame myself for having an ED and by making stupid decisions in my life. What am I going to do? I want to get drunk, I want to escape, I want to binge until I get so sick I purge and then binge some more. I’m crying out in pain, hurt and in agony. I just want to forget I was ever born. Here I thought it was Paxil that was messing me up and it could be something far more upsetting then that. I need to fight my thoughts because I just feel like giving up hope I could ever have the life that I wanted to have. I’m a survivor and I’ve been through so much as it is and I don’t know if I can handle anything more. I need to do some research so I’ll be back. Okay I’m back. I did some reading and I could have premature ovarian failure. I have a lot of the symptoms for it and I’m scared because I don’t want it to come true. This can’t be happening to me. I feel like this isn’t right like I’m in a horrible dream and I’ll wake up soon and realize I was just dreaming. Why me and why now? It’s so unfair. I just want everything to go away. It’s my entire fault. I must have done something wrong. I think I’m going to be sick. I want to binge but I can’t eat. I feel sick to my stomach like someone punched me so hard I can’t seem to breath. Waiting for next week to come is going to go so slow like time stayed still. I want to hide until then. I started a Grateful list shortly after I found out I was pregnant for my Psychologist. It's a list sort of like Pollyanna's "Glad Game", I say every morning in my head what I am grateful for in my life. I find 3 things and repeat them to myself. It keeps me thinking in the positive. It has helped deeply and at first I thought it was stupid but each day went by it didn't seem so foolish to me anymore. It never hurts to try something new in your healing process.

Recovery!

I wrote this in Group Therapy for one of my homework assignments back in 2004 and sometimes when I feel like doing something stupid I go back and read this letter. It's been along hard road and I learned acceptance about self love and looking at the world in a different way. I had to do this faster than I wanted but I'm grateful for all the hard work on my end and my Psychologist making me deal with all of my emotional pain. I learned lessons along the way and how I was missing out on living rather then just existing. I would never change anything because life lessons I learned have made me stronger. Letter to One Self Dear D, I would like to introduce myself to you. I’m your physical body. I’m the one you don’t listen to, the one you punish yourself with and most of all, the one you wish you could change. I need you to understand I’m here for you and you need to start listening to me. You have been training your subconscious mind for many years to think you don’t deserve self-acceptance. Your Mother made you believe accepting yourself is wrong but it was her choice for telling you this. It’s your choice not to believe her. Once you left your parents influences you repressed the creative flow of life within you. You allowed yourself to believe everything you were told. You allowed yourself to believe something is wrong with you. You’ve been trying to change what you believe is wrong ever since without challenging it. What you don’t understand is your way of thinking needs to change and not me, your physical body. Everything you ever wanted in your life is everything you deny yourself of having because you believe you don’t deserve it. Just because your Parents made the wrong choices doesn’t mean you have to make the same choices and keep them as your own. You are allowing yourself to hold yourself hostage to your past. You are still blaming yourself for those past actions. Some of those actions were not your fault and were out of your control. You can’t control something you had nothing to do with. They were decisions you didn’t decide for yourself because they were made for you. You can’t take responsibility for someone else’s mistakes, but only your own. Harming me will never change what happened to you from before. Only you can make choices to change. You need to have faith in yourself and believe you can accept yourself just the way you are today. Learn to accept this as your own reality and you will start believing in your own happiness. When you break me down, I bleed. When you hurt, I hurt with you and when you cry, I cry along too. When you self abuse you are reacting to your own emotional trauma, the ones you keep re-creating over and over again in my brain. You’re afraid to confront thoughts that give you the most pain but in reality you’re re-creating those same thoughts. I hope you realize these same thoughts are the same one’s which are too hard for you to face. It’s the way you deal with them that should change and not the reactions to them. When you punish me you will not heal that part of yourself that is longing for self-acceptance. You continue to get caught up in your own internal dramas and unknown beliefs to determine your feelings. Without knowing who you are, self-acceptance and change becomes impossible. You need to believe and allow yourself to appreciate, validate, accept and support who you are at this very moment. You need to take me as I am and stand up to yourself and believe in who you are because nobody knows you better then you. There will be positive people and negative people in your life and it’s very important to go inside yourself and view opinions as your own and not what other people think. Remember recovery is not an event but rather one of many journey’s leading to still many more journeys. You need to teach yourself values and morals that will last you your whole life. You’ve got to believe deep inside yourself that you’re destined to do great things. Recoveries are awareness to ignorance, and weakness to strength and often back again. A journey is growing from stage to stage with wisdom along the way. Don’t be afraid to walk down this path because this is where you will learn and face your greatest challenges. Challenges in life come with a gift we can only discover if we listen to what it has to say. When you accept self-punishment I get affected. You put a strain on my physical being. I’m not as strong as I used to be. My muscles are weak from years of abuse. You haven’t been giving me the fuel and nutrients I need to function. I’m weak and wearing thin. I’m having a hard time keeping you going and someday I will fail you. The headaches, the stomach pain, the malnutrition, the low blood pressure, the hair loss, and the dental problems are due to the abuse upon my physical self. These are symptoms I’ve given you over the years to wake you up but you haven’t been listening to me. These symptoms are because I’m over worked, stressed out, chemically over feed and over polluted. I’ve been giving you indicators over the years because it’s to let you know we are not balanced. It will get much worse if you don’t stop what you are doing because when I fail, you die. You will die if you don’t change your way of thinking. You need to understand you need me to help you survive and I can’t be strong when you deprive me of everything for life. I want to live for you but it’s up to you to determine how long you want to stick around this life. I want to be here for you for many more years because you are worth it to me. You have the power to fight those thoughts within your psyche and challenge them. I know you believe if you have self-confidence you’re being self-centered but that is your fear of self-acceptance. It’s okay to have self confidence without being self centered. Believe in yourself and you will succeed. The power is within you and only you. Good luck and start believing in you. Remember it’s your thoughts and not your physical self that’s hurtful. Sincerely, Your Physical Body Okay, wow..I like this letter. Reminded me of some good times during my process of healing some issues in Therapy. I thought it was going to be hard being in a group setting but I had laughs and at times tears and it was all worth it. My motto in group therapy: The only control you have are the choices you make! It's nice to see the other side of life!

My long time struggle with an Eating Disorder!

Some people don't understand fully about this subject. It's hard explaining something when you never had to struggle day in and day out with something so complex as an eating disorder. It has nothing to do with food but every thing to do with control. I characterized myself between anorexia and bulimia. I wrote this sometime in June 2004. The reason I am quoting myself because I'm in a different place now and back then I was living it. I was in a dark place emotionally and I was hurting with an inner fight I was losing and I would have to say I am not there anymore. I will always be fighting an Eating Disorder for the rest of my life. I learned what my triggers are and I DO NOT want to go back to THAT place of darkness. If anything else I can help someone else going through an Eating Disorder. I am warning you what you're going to read is emotional. "I shouldn't’t care what I look like because that sounds so vain but if you were told repeatedly over and over something is wrong with you, maybe, just maybe you would be screwed up as much as I am. I need to look perfect for me and only me. I’m so far from being perfect in my own eyes. I need to accept me. So many factors and this goes deep within my heart. I’m fighting with myself now and with all the trauma I had growing up and all the heartache being given’ up like yesterdays trash doesn’t compare to feeling like you can never be good enough in your own eyes. My ED has taken over my life. It consumes me every minute of the day and haunts me in my dreams. I can’t runaway from it. I silently cry within when I eat one piece of food. I hurt even more when I binge. I cry out when I purge it all back up. I am never in peace because it’s on my mind. My brain keeps telling me I'm not good enough and my heart keeps telling me I'm worth the whole world. I’m scared I’m losing this battle within. Some days I can’t get myself up to function and do just the little things and other days it’s not all that bad. No matter what people tell me about myself I have a hard time believing and trusting in it. I wish I could see what you all can see about my image because you don’t understand my perfection. How can you because I never talked about it until now. I could try to explain what my perfection is but I’ll be blue in the face and you would never get it. Maybe down the road I will try to explain my idea of perfection but right now it’s not the time. Maybe I don’t have time but some day I know I will beat this ED and then I can talk about it." "How do I begin? It’s hard opening up my heart and soul when all I want to do is run from my emotions. It seems like I’ve been struggling to get my shit together with this ED for years. 14 years to be exact and that’s a long time to have this disorder. I swear I done it all but then I’m still here all messed up so I couldn’t have done it all but I’m doing therapy, group therapy and I even joined a support group online but it’s all not enough to help work my life out. I’m going through a rough spot at the moment as you can tell. I’m feeling all sorry for myself. I’m dogging my body and I can’t even get my lazy butt off the couch and do some simple exercise. You would think eating is supposed to be some easy thing to do and it’s supposed to be easy but for some crazy idea I put in my little brain, I’m afraid to eat because when I do I binge myself silly. I am like hungry all the time and I keep telling my husband I can eat but I choose not too. I would rather not eat because for me, eating means gaining weight. Gaining weight for me is like, "oh my god, I can’t say it!" You would think I would be happy being at the smallest I’ve been since grade school but no, I’m not satisfied and have to lose that extra weight I carry around my waist area. I obsess over my body like not being perfect will be the end of me. I watch Dr. Phil all the time and he always asks those crazy people on his show what’s there pay off for doing all there destructive behavior and I have asked myself millions of times what my pay off is and for the life of me I’m figuring that out. If I knew what it was I wouldn’t be struggling with my ED like I am. I know I need to keep hanging in their and all that crap but it’s hard when your brain keeps nagging at you to be stupid. One day at a time!" "It’s a Sunday night on a beautiful June day. I’m listening to music trying to express my feelings the best way I know how. I just want to cry so hard but something is holding me back. I want to be so strong like I can handle this ED alone. Sometimes I wish I kept this disease a secret and didn’t tell anybody. I don’t like feeling vulnerable and have to lean on anybody. I recognize this disease wants me to be secretive, wants me to be alone, scared and ashamed with myself. It feeds on my insecurities and my fears. This disease has taken over my life because I sometimes let it. I feel like I have nothing left to give to myself at times. I fight so hard against my ED and a lot of times I just give up and let this ED take over so I don’t have to feel what the real pain is deep down inside. I have been damage so profoundly in my lifetime I don’t want to ever feel like that again. I’ll runaway. I know to get this ED under control I have to face and not avoid those feelings and thoughts I have about my past. I feel so out of control at the moment and want to just hide and sink in a big hole to think of nothing but happiness. Sometimes I tell myself I had enough and to get this ED under control and sometimes I tell myself I can’t handle the pain so I lean on this ED to just do its thing. This might sound so stupid but I feel like my ED is my friend. My ED has always been there for me even when its been destructive to me. I feed on it to make me feel better about myself. I guess what I am trying to say is this; it’s going to be hard learning to mange this Ed when all I know is this ED. I think I’m holding back the tears because I’m afraid to feel the ache inside. The pain is too much to bear and I want to be so strong. I am one big gigantic mess at the moment. I don’t know where to start. I don’t like to feel so out of control like I’m some kind of crazy wacko. On the outside I want to look like I can handle anything. I want to seem like everything is under control. I don’t want those people to win; I don’t want to feel like I failed or something like I can let some idiotic person bring me down. I want to show them I’m not going to let them believe they have the influence over me like I’m some pathetic person that can be affected by what they have to say about me. I get so furious with these people because I myself don’t want them to win. I know my past is my past but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less today. When I finely told my mother how I really felt and how hurt I am she ran the other way. I haven’t talked or had contact with her since January. She makes me feel so insignificant at times and I shouldn’t care what she thinks but she’s my mother and I loved her at one point in my life. Maybe I still love her today and that’s why it hurts so much. I don’t know. I feel so rejected, abandoned, and neglected by her. Maybe I just want her approval and to be proud of me. I shouldn’t care what she thinks of me especially what I have in my life today but the problem is I do care and that’s what hurts the most I think. The one thing my mother didn’t have control over was my ED. All those late nights as a teenager I binged while she slept and drank her beer to help purge all the food back up I would be so proud I was defiant and it made me feel so satisfactory I got away with it that night and every night after. I know I should have found something else to get back at my mother with but that was the only thing I could think of. I didn’t realize at the time I was only punishing myself. No one can tell me today my mother cares about me because I will never believe them and maybe that’s my way of protecting myself from the hurt I’m feeling at the moment but it will be along time before I realize she cares in her sick little way. I want to scream at her and slap her into reality. I want her to feel the pain I feel, I want her to get it that she hurt me, I want her to see me the way I see myself and that she was the one that caused it. I know I am a caring and sensitive person. Maybe I’m a little too sensitive at times but I can’t help that part of my personality. That’s what makes me I guess, me. I don’t let anybody see my struggles because I’m ashamed of that part of myself. No body can eat for me or to tell me how to feel. I don’t know how to lean on anybody. I have no problem talking about things and that life isn’t fair but I don’t know how to express how I’m really feeling. I’m alone most of the time because that’s what ED wants you to do, to cut yourself off from the rest of the world. I guess I’m in hiding. I don’t want to talk to anybody or be around anybody because I’m afraid they will see right through me. I don’t like confrontations. I don’t like people seeing me in a state of hopelessness or knowing I’m in a state of desperation. I have this anxiety at the moment because I’m sharing my secretive thoughts, I’m writing out everything I keep to myself, the stuff I don’t want anybody to know about me. It’s hard to actually believe I’m human and my thoughts are normal because this can’t be normal. I can’t be normal because it seems so insane to me. I don’t like being awake at times so I just sleep. I check out of this world by sleeping. I wake up and it's another day and I say man, I can’t handle being me today. I don’t want to face another day of having to work through my demons so I sleep. Dreamland seems a whole lot better than feeling like I’m not good enough. I remember when I was 12 to 15 I would walk to my elementary school in the middle of the night and I would sit there in the cold and look up at the stars and pray that someday life would be better for me and I would get out of this disarray I lived in. I wished I would find something special for me. I wanted god to take the pain away and then I found ED. I know god didn’t want me to get an ED but for me in the middle of the devastation of what my life was about back then it was my answer. What I’m trying to say is I had this determination back then to keep holding on for something great to make me see I was worth being born. I new I had to keep fighting the good fight because I knew in my heart I had something to give to this world some way or another. I think I lost that determination I had back then. I was so young and the lessons of life are greater of a challenge then what a little child knows by wishing on a bunch of stars. I don’t know what I was thinking by sitting in the cold in the dark and thinking if I wished that dreams would come true. I only got to where I am today because I made decisions and not because of some miracles I wished for. Maybe harming myself with this ED is selfish of me but sometimes I do it and not even am aware I’m doing it at times. I will sit there on the couch stuffing my face full of food because I starved myself all day and then become conscious what I’m doing and it scares me because I allowed myself to lose control for that moment. I feel so ashamed of myself when I do that because I’m supposed to be working the program of recovery. I know recovery doesn’t mean starving myself neither. The fear I have surrounding food is like finding out you have some form of cancer. It’s like finding out you have some devastating disease and can’t believe this could happen to you but its reality. My ED is cancer about food. Food is my drug to fight the cancer and I’m having a hard time taking the medicine. I want to stop what I am doing so badly because I know I can die from doing what I am doing. I am aware of this fact but it doesn’t make me want to stop at times. I still do it someway or another every single day and it scares me to think I’m harming myself because I’m getting some sort of satisfaction to get back at my mother. It’s like I’m abusing myself because I believe I’m this horrible person she told me I was. I keep contradicting myself because this is what the ED wants me to do. It wants me to be conflicted. It wants me to be confused and scared so I can only depend on it and no one else. I don’t like to share my thought and feelings with people because I don’t want to look like I’m some wounded soul who needs to be saved. Everything is so messed up, so crazy, and so confusing right now. It’s like I’m being pulling in every direction and all the voices in my head telling me what to do all the time. No wonder I want to check out of reality most of the time. It gets exhausting. I could keep going on tonight but I’ll leave it for another time." "I read about ED and the combination with Diabetes. I confess I lean towards foods I know I shouldn’t be eating but for me when I can’t eat something I end up craving for it. I eat a lot of junk food and sweets. I can’t help it or maybe I can but it’s like I have to have sugar because I know I shouldn’t be eating it. Once I figure these thing out I won’t want to eat candy and anything else that’s harmful to me. I’ll want to stay healthy and do things that are healthy but for now I haven’t really gotten it yet like it took me fracturing my left arm to quit drinking alcohol. It took me moving away from my family to realize I haven’t gotten over the abuse and the hurt is still there. I just hope I don’t end up committed to the hospital for me to get it. I know I’m not there yet to get committed but I really can’t see if I am or not. I’m just trying to make good decision for me right now. " Okay, that was hard to read. I definitely am not there anymore and hopefully I can have a brighter future. My kids need me, my Husband needs me and also the world needs me. An eating disorder may in the beginning be about losing weight but then it takes over your life and you're wrapped up in your head in a dark place and never saw it coming. I hoped this has helped the inner secrets of this disease.