Reflection!

Okay, I found this old entry on my computer. I was doing a lot of writing for Therapy to get my feelings out. I didn't know how to express my thoughts by voice so I wrote a lot. The reason I'm sharing this entry because when I came across it I had to laugh about it. Not that I was laughing at my situation because those feelings I had were real but in time I thought I was going though deep stress but at this moment I was pregnant and didn't even know it. That's why I was laughing. The symptoms I was having were not ovarian failure but beginning stages of pregnancy. My recovery is a process and also I need to reflect where my life chapters started and when they ended. This life chapter had a good ending. Scared July 22, 2004 I don’t know what to do. This could be what will bring me down. This could be the last straw, the last slap across the face and the one thing that will put me over the edge. I went to see the doctor today and we talked and then she told me something I would never have thought she would suggest at my age. She thinks I maybe going through pre menopause or premature ovarian failure and I won’t know until the test results come back next week. Then we’ll go from there. I couldn’t cry before but I’m crying now. I’m scared and I’m so angry. Why me? Why now? Don’t you think I have enough on my plate GOD? Why does it have to be me? The one thing that keeps me going knowing someday I will be a mother and I may never get the chance to have one of my own. I will never get the chance to have my child grow inside of me. I’m so angry that there are people who have children and never should be parents. I’m working my recovery, I’m trying my hardest and I’m feeling all my old pain so I can deal with it. I’m trying and that’s all I can do. I’m doing my best to my ability right now. I’m hurting because of what I’m doing to R. He deserves a family with children of his own, his own blood and his legacy. I wanted to be the one to share the experience of being a parent with him. I was pregnant once and may be that was my chance to be a mother and I had the abortion and now I’m paying the price for that decision. I blame myself for having an ED and by making stupid decisions in my life. What am I going to do? I want to get drunk, I want to escape, I want to binge until I get so sick I purge and then binge some more. I’m crying out in pain, hurt and in agony. I just want to forget I was ever born. Here I thought it was Paxil that was messing me up and it could be something far more upsetting then that. I need to fight my thoughts because I just feel like giving up hope I could ever have the life that I wanted to have. I’m a survivor and I’ve been through so much as it is and I don’t know if I can handle anything more. I need to do some research so I’ll be back. Okay I’m back. I did some reading and I could have premature ovarian failure. I have a lot of the symptoms for it and I’m scared because I don’t want it to come true. This can’t be happening to me. I feel like this isn’t right like I’m in a horrible dream and I’ll wake up soon and realize I was just dreaming. Why me and why now? It’s so unfair. I just want everything to go away. It’s my entire fault. I must have done something wrong. I think I’m going to be sick. I want to binge but I can’t eat. I feel sick to my stomach like someone punched me so hard I can’t seem to breath. Waiting for next week to come is going to go so slow like time stayed still. I want to hide until then. I started a Grateful list shortly after I found out I was pregnant for my Psychologist. It's a list sort of like Pollyanna's "Glad Game", I say every morning in my head what I am grateful for in my life. I find 3 things and repeat them to myself. It keeps me thinking in the positive. It has helped deeply and at first I thought it was stupid but each day went by it didn't seem so foolish to me anymore. It never hurts to try something new in your healing process.