Psychology and some Rants!

I remember the first time I had to see a someone in the Mental Health Department. I was 12 years old for our stupid family therapy sessions. I didn't understand why I had to go. I didn't do anything. I wasn't the stupid asshole in the family who put us in a situation where we had to see a Family Therapist. Nothing was wrong with me but of course, I was forced to go to these stupid sessions to talk about our feelings. I was glad to share how I felt in the matter but apparently I wasn't being productive in contributing to the family as a whole. I wasn't expressing my feelings right because I was told I wasn't helping the family unit. Whatever Doc! Don't ask if you don't want my honest opinion. My parents were selfish and it was always about them. It's fine to want to help your own personal growth and heal your own problems but I didn't have any say in what I wanted. I was forced to go and I was affected by it and not in a good way. I was glad when the family sessions ended. The next time I was forced to do another round of Psychology Appointments. I was getting really tired of all this bull crap. I was 14 at this time and Like I said before ..THERE was nothing wrong with me. Well seeing a Child Psychologist was a little bit different. You want attitude I'll show you attitude. I didn't want to go to these sessions but for some wacky reason it was supposed to be beneficial to me in some way. Missing a soccer game I worked hard practicing for and playing a sport I loved but had to miss because Child Therapy was more important when I wasn't the one who asked for help in the first place. I still wonder why I had to go after all these years. My Parents were the Mental cases here and not me. I was just the 14 year old kid being forced once again to talk about the stupid decisions my parents made. It was nice doing the Family sessions this time around because of the filming behind the stupid mirror. They got good shots of my happy little middle finger. Why ask me stupid questions like How do I feel? etc.. If you're not going to like what I have to say in my answers? Why ask questions in general? No matter what I had to say they were the wrong answers like I was writing a TEST and got an F on it. Didn't make sense to me. I gave those doc's my honest truths and then I got lectures back for putting the blame back on my parents. They love me and all that bull crap. If my parents loved me I wouldn't be writing a blog about my truths. I wouldn't have years of emotional and mental anguish. I would have grew up with my two sisters. I can go on and on so STOP telling me my parents loved me. Like when I told my mother how I felt about her and how she hurt me in my life I wrote her an email back in December 2003 and then she said this to me in an email "I have always done the best I could with I what I had. I'm sorry it isn't good enough" Maybe I'm on a different planet but what I really wanted to hear from my MOTHER was : I failed you as a mother and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't the mother you needed. Sorry I was an alcoholic. Sorry I made you feel unloved by me. I take the responsibility for what I did. These are words of someone taking responsibility but I never heard it. I most likely will never hear it from my mother. My Psychologist said to me you can't change what you don't acknowledge. Apparently, my mother should have gotten Mother of the Year award because she did the best she could do and I missed that Memo! Okay back to the issue again. I didn't have faith in The Mental Health Field and didn't trust it. I tried several times on my own when I was younger when I made the decision for myself but never made it past the third appointment. When I was back in Canada in 2001 my Doctor said something to me and it made perfect sense. Don't go until you are ready and if you see one and don't feel comfortable then keep seeing Psychologists until you find one that fits with you. When my Husband and I moved to California I was finally ready to get some help. It just happened the first Psychologist I saw I meshed well with and she helped me so much. When it was hard she made me face it. The ups and downs of my life and seeing life differently has helped. I got my fear over with the Mental Health Department. If you are having problems bigger than what you can handle. I recommend talking with someone. Talk to your Doctor and set something up. It's nothing to be ashamed of getting help and it doesn't mean you are crazy or mental. It means having someone from the outside listening and showing you a different side of things. Giving you tool to work through your issues. It works when you want it too. I believe when you are ready and not when you are forced too because it will hinder more than help. One last rant: To this day I don't trust Social Services and I'm sure they are a helpful Government Agency but in my life I saw things differently. I was failed by this Government group and will have a hard time believing they do good because I didn't see it. I wasn't protected and they new our families history and still kept me in a home with abuse. They didn't listen to me with this bullshit about trying to keep the family unit together. I was 15 when Social Services was called on my behalf because I was struggling. This Ass of a Social Worker came to the school to talk to me. I thought someone will listen to me for once and then the Social Worker tells me he would not help my situation and will only help me by trying to keep my family unit together. What the f%^k is that? What family unit are you reading about in your stupid file because it couldn't be mine after TWO of my PARENTS children didn't live in the "FAMILY UNIT" anymore but you want to keep the last two children left in a home where you knew abuse happened...nice! Real nice and don't think I didn't tell that GUY what I thought of him because he got an ear full from me. Then when I contacted Social Services to get information on my Birth Father back in 2002 I got a nice phone call stating I can't see my file on my Birth Father because at the time I was put in the Social Services System when I was a baby my Birth Father didn't come forward and claim me as his daughter so they Legally can't disclose the information or tell me the name under Father on my Birth Certificate. I will leave it at that. Social Services may do great things and that's great but this is what happened to me with this Government Agency. My truths, my opinions!