Where I've been!

I guess I should start by letting you know of moments in my life that help me shape who I became. Most moments in my life some family members and friends already know about and some moments I never disclosed until now. I don't want this entry to feel like I want people to feel sorry for me because I worked my butt off and made choices for myself to have my life today. I credit a lot of wonderful people who held my hand and had faith in me as a person. My first traumatizing experience was when my foster mother told me I was going to be adopted. I was 5 years old and I didn't understand why I had to leave. My foster parents are wonderful people and I didn't understand back then why I had to leave when they told me they loved me but I adjusted to my adopted family because I had my two older sisters with me so it made it a little easier to adjust to a new set of parents. I made lots of friends and played sports and was a happy kid over all. I even overcame some racism being Native American Indian living in a white community. Racism affected my life because I was told I was different and today I still have fears sometimes meeting new people and sometimes afraid I will not be accepted. I guess I'm more understanding of peoples feelings because I know how it feels to feel different. We're all equal and we should all respect each other's choices and opinions. Life to me is learning and growing as an individual. I read books of people who overcome some traumatic event in their lives because it keeps me learning how some people can move forward with their lives even though they faced evil and are stronger because of it. It keeps me focused on my life path. The next big life changing moment in my life is when I turned 12. News Years day 1987 is when my older sister left home. I will not go into detail surrounding this day because this isn't my story to tell. I was devastated she left because she was my older sister and I loved her but I knew she had to leave and protect herself. I can't say I wasn't angry with her because I was. She left me behind but she was only 14 herself so I don't know how she could of cared for me. I was hurt and sometimes when I think about this time I still feel hurt. It pains my heart just thinking about it. My adopted parents made selfish decisions and choices that affected all my sisters lives some way or another. I had to grow up fast and be more responsible then my parents. My father left during the week so it was my mother and two other sisters at home. When I was 13 years old I had to care for my younger sister, cook meals, clean the house and do basically a lot of things around the house because my mother would get home grab a beer and hide. I hate talking about this time in my life because this is when the verbal abuse started. Everything wasn't good enough and I was told I wasn't responsible enough by a mother who was an alcoholic. I was being criticized about every little thing I did. I was told I was selfish and being degraded and belittled by a mother who kept telling me she loved me. It was bad enough my mother tore me down and when my father was home he did it also. I was the one they used as a verbal punching bag because they thought I was weak. No child deserves to be verbally abused. Sometimes I wished they physically abused me because at least I would have bruises to show someone. Please give my mother a metal for being a great Teacher but she was a lousy mother to me. I woke up every morning scared or wondered if it was going to be a good day or a very bad day. It basically depended on my mothers mood how my day would go. I had no escape. My parents most likely will think I'm making up lies about them but I lived it and some of my close friends witnessed it. I was an easy target and they took advantage of my free spirit and tore me down verbally and emotionally. My other older sister and I ran away once shortly after our family did a nose dive. We didn't know where we were going to go but we knew we had to leave. It was a cold time of the year and were gone for a night but had to turn back because we had no food and we were cold. Every family friend was at our house that night. We were told we were selfish children for upsetting our parents and how we scared everyone. I wanted to scream in their faces and tell them all the truth about my parents but I was cold and tired. On the inside I was dying but on the outside I was playing a game. Letting the world know nothing was wrong. My first nervous breakdown was in the 7th grade during the Science Fair. My project wasn't working the way I wanted because it wasn't perfect and my home life was stressing me out and I lost it. I broke down and cried and at the time I was embarrassed because I didn't keep it together. My mother finally listened and my parents hired a housekeeper. At first, things were starting to get better but it was only a grace period. My mother was drinking more and nothing was perfect and I was always doing everything wrong. It was hard keeping up their little game of we're a normal happy family. I was in the 9th grade when my other older sister left home. It was hard on me and I was so angry with everyone, my parents, my sister for leaving me behind and God, for giving me this shitty life. This was my hell on earth. I stopped trusting in all adults at this point. I asked for help and no one listened. I felt so alone and if it wasn't for my friends keeping me together I don't know where I would be today. They were my rock and I thank them. There was this guy I had a crush on in high school and it started in the 8th grade. Most of my high school friends probably know who I'm talking about. Don't tell him. I thought I was madly in love with this guy. You know all the puppy love bull crap that goes on in school. One December night a couple of my friends got drunk and I met a guy that night. I thought if I pretended to be interested in this guy my crush would get jealous. I don't think he got the jealousy memo or I just didn't ask or care. A guy was interested in me. I had my first high school boyfriend. He was much older than I was like 4 years older. He was charming and said all the right things to me. He stood up for me with my parents. I lost my virginity to him at 16. I know I wasn't really ready for sex but I did it any way. Why? I wanted someone to give me the love I so desperately needed. I was emotionally worn down and he was my knight and shining armor so I thought at the time. I should have saw the signs I was headed down the wrong road. At first, he would get mad when I was spending time with my friends and we would get in terrible fights and break up but he would always convince me to come back. I was the only one for him and he would change..bla bla bla! I was in a typical abusive relationship. I didn't want to see it because my parents home was like hell to me. The first time our relationship got physical we were in Santa Barbara, California. We got in an argument on a busy street and he pushed me down to the ground. He got angry with me for some reason and of course, we made up like all the other times before. The last night he ever laid a hand on me we were living in an Apartment in Halifax. I went home this one night early from a bar because I was drunk and when he got home he lost it on me. I was so scared for my life. I never in my relationship saw such hate in his eyes before and truly thought he was going to kill me that night. I managed to escape and ran to the hospital and I pressed charges. I felt so degraded having to go to the Police station and take pictures. We were apart for a month when I contacted him though his voice mail. I had to ask why he could do this to me. He didn't know and I forgave him. I was ready to leave him for good when he lost his father. I had to be there for him. He needed me and I couldn't walk away because I loved him. It took me several years later to leave him. I was in that relationship for 7 1/2 years before I got the courage to walk away. Some people want to know why did I stay with the guy for so long. Scared I wouldn't find someone else. I was torn down so much in my life I didn't have any self-esteem left. I didn't think I could make it on my own without him. So many reasons for staying and not enough reasons to leave. I learned from this relationship I had the power to say "not anymore" and made choices for me and what was best for me. I had the control! Now I have to back track back to 12 years old again. I had some good times involving my friends. My life wasn't all in turmoil all the time. They kept me believing in the good side of life. Most of my good times were with my friends and if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have a reason to keep moving forward. My mother was a control freak and I wasn't good enough for her but my friends didn't care. They liked me for me and not what they thought I should be. I learned about Eating Disorders in 9th grade gym class when I was 15 and that's how it all started with that. I was the out of control teenager hating the world and wasn't afraid to express it. My friends were my escape and it was a relief to have great friends and we did some crazy stuff together. When I was 17 years old June 1992 I was diagnosed with Diabetes. My fear was gaining weight and I gained a lot like 30 pounds plus. I had used my diabetes in a way to lose weight fast. I understood how the disease could help me lose the weight. It was my enabler in my battle with finding control in a life I felt I didn't have control over. When I was 23 years old out of a bad relationship on my own for the first time in my life. I was supporting myself and living on my own. I was doing something I never thought I could or believe to do. This was big for me. This was when I met my future husband over the Internet. We chatted several times on the computer which lead to phone calls. We got to know each other and it was refreshing to have a guy who cared about me and not even know what I looked like. I couldn't afford much of an apartment back then so I rented a room in a boarding house. I didn't care because it was my own place to call home. In July/August 1998 one night I fell asleep and forgot to lock my door. The loner next door who never talked to anyone came into my room that night and raped me. It was a devastating time for me. I didn't report him to the police because I didn't have the strength to go to court again. I did it once and didn't want to do it again. I had way worse things happen to me in my life I could get over this. I needed to not let this consume me and that was another reason I didn't report him. I wanted to move forward. 2 weeks later I missed my monthly friend. I took care of it the best way I could to move forward. It was the right decision for me at the time in my life. I believe abortion is wrong but I believe it's the women's right to make her own choices. I did something I knew in my heart could break me and I didn't make this decision lightly. Their was a lot of tears shed and when I fixed the situation I moved on. My husband and I met face to face in November 1998. I think that was my craziest moment in my life. I think I was temporally in sane for going but I did and it was a fun trip. This relationship was refreshing and it was hard to trust in how good it felt. Some of the decisions I made afterward were stupid and down right crazy. I had this guy who loved me and I was drinking with my friends and having my cake and eating it too. I was never the girl to have sex with different people but I did. It was a wild time in my life being stupid. I made the decision to move to Portland, Oregon and in April 2000 I up rooted my life and took this huge leap. By then I was emotionally broken inside. My conscience was hurting for lying and cheating on a guy I knew loved me and I loved back. July 2000 I was put in the Hospital for Diabetic Ketoacidosis. Diabetic ketoacidosis develops when you have too little insulin in your body. Without enough insulin, sugar (glucose) can't enter your cells for energy. Your blood sugar level rises, and your body begins to break down fat for energy. This produces toxic acids known as ketones. Left untreated, diabetic ketoacidosis may cause you to lose consciousness. Eventually, untreated diabetic ketoacidosis can be fatal. I was lucky this time around. The Doctor told me I was lucky if I just waited a few days to come in there wouldn't been anything they could have done to save my life. I got a really good reality check. I almost died and this was big. You would think this would have been a wake up call but this wasn't my rock bottom. I was emotionally broken and didn't know how to pull myself through so I punished myself with food. I hated myself so much and didn't like who I became at this point in my life. I was pushing away a guy I loved because I didn't feel like I was worth it. My health was getting pretty bad so I made the decision to move home to Canada. I got medical help and I tried to put my life back together. I was emotionally broken and one of my lowest points in my life. I finally told my husband everything, all my fears, all my lies and all my truths knowing by doing this I may never see this guy again. I was prepared for this to happen and I unburdened my heart and I wanted to start fresh in my life. Letting go some of the pain I felt was good for me. As you know he didn't leave and he didn't walk away. We got engaged in May 2001. He wasn't going to let me go and I didn't want him too. We got married in Reno in November 2002. It felt so right to me. I was finally in a good place to be. The roller coaster of up and downs in my life with good times and the bad has given me faith in trusting I can make good choices in my life. I have learned hard lessons from my mistakes, bad judgments and I take full responsibility for my actions and my life. I think it has made me a better mother and more understanding because I've been in places in my life where I wouldn't choose for my family. If I didn't learn from my life then what's the point in growing, learning and to be a good person. I stopped drinking alcohol because I made stupid choices when I was drunk and poor choices that only caused me greater pain. I got my faith back in God again and I know I can count on him to guide my life to achieve the life I always wanted and deserved to have. Even though I was broken and beaten I still pulled up my head and fought for me. I wouldn't change a thing in my life. With hard work in putting back the broken pieces I called my sorry life I finally can see the other side of the rainbow. I finally forgave the choices that were made for me when I was a teenager and it doesn't mean I will forget what happened but I know it wasn't in my control but it's my control now as an adult to accept what happened and move forward. I think I was holding onto pain and suffering because I didn't know how to let go. I choose to want a better life so I'm doing it. Everyday I thank the life I am living. I feel like my battle of emotional heartache is gone because I make the choice and decision to not affect and consume me. Those days are over because I choose to live a better life. I could so easily be in a hard place right now but I pulled through and anyone who feels like they have no more energy to start over you can. It's taking responsibility for your life and to forgive the things you didn't have control over. You should never forget your own history but learn and grow from it. I accepted help because I couldn't do this by myself and the only way you can get help is ask for it. Just reach out to the hand who wants to help you. I had many hands who helped me and it was all worth it. I am in a stable marriage with two wonderful children. It was along journey of learning about self love and respect for myself. I live in the present and this is where I want to be. There were more moments in my life I didn't talk about and may be in time I may disclose those chapters in my life but this isn't the time. I dedicate this entry to all my friends, my family and extended family who supported me through all my life journeys. Thank you for believing in me :)