Good Morning, I'm slowly learning the ropes over here. I can't wait to receive this mascara. I got short crazy lashes and I don't like using fake one because they are heavy on my eye balls and then I can't see well. If you want some too , just let me know and I'll hook you up.

Other than working on a new Business. My life for the last 2.5 years have been a difficult one to say the lest. It's also been a journey into strengthening my faith, which it has. I know God has a plan for me and everything has timing.

So to pass the time away while the kids were in school and my husband at work, I got into the wonderful world of Kdrama, Cdrama and anything subtitles. It's been a great learning experience understanding other Countries culture and their TV programs. I fell in loved watching my first Korean Drama on Netflix and then when I watched every Kdrama on Netflix I subscribed to DramaFever and Viki. I fell in love with Historical Drama's the most.

I'll leave you with this. "let your smile change the world but don't let the world change your smile"

Things I'm working on!

So I've been building a presentation on Domestic Minor Sex Trafficking to give an awareness to the community of how we as the Community can help bring these girls and boys home. How we can help restore their lives and to healing them from the struggles they will have. So far I have a basic outline but here is part of my personal touch on it...coming from my own words..........

Me-Darlene Williams ( To answer why?)

Between the ages of 15-23 years I was in a physical and emotional abusive relationship.

The question always comes up of why these girls just don’t run away, or leave their unfortunate situations? I can say from my own experience similar to these prostituted children is abusers have you where they want you.

For me, I got to a point where my identity was so messed up I didn't know who I was anymore. I was confused and I didn't know who really to trust because I had nowhere else to go.  My parents were alcoholics and verbally abusive and my abuser knew that. He had me captive within another cycle of abuse and out of fear of being abandoned I stayed and I believed his threats of rejection if I tried to end the relationship.

I accepted the mistreatment and I was also showered with gifts and it came with affection of love and I called this our grace period or honeymoon faze and it came after he felt remorse for using physical violence and after every beating or tear down he bought me beautiful gifts. I got beautiful jewelry and clothing and things I wanted. He would buy me flowers and take me places. I was his princess and he was my forever. I wasn't supposed to quit on someone you love. My mother didn't leave my father the moment she learned he was abusing his children so why should I leave because my boyfriend got angry at me?

 He was my first love, he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I had plans for the future but then my fantasy would break the moment he laid his hands on me.  He promised me the world and I allowed him to treat me that way. I can’t remember how many times I did leave him and try to have a fresh start but out of fear and him promising me the world I would go back because I didn't know who I was without him. He was such a big part of my world I didn't know how to be alone.

When I finally had the courage to leave I had nothing left to give and with all the infidelity on both our parts the relationship just died. He killed everything within me to fight him and the only way of survival I needed a fresh start in life on my own terms. So I mustered up all the strength I had and I walked away knowing if I failed in life it was because of me and not someone saying I failed.

Characteristics of an Abuser!

I would like to give you the characteristics of my abuser. He was 4 years older than me and he was charming. He said the right things and he romanced me in the beginning buying me things and wanting to spend all his time with me. He was nice to my friends and he would buy us alcohol because we were underage and he wasn't  He was my ticket to freedom and he promised me he would take care of me and protect me from my parents. I fell more in love with him when he would stand up for me when my parents abused me.

After a month of dating he wanted to take it to the next level. He wanted to show me how much he truly loved me. So I agreed to give my virginity to him and after that our relationship changed. He wasn't so nice any longer. He would cause fights between me and my friends. When I didn't agree with his controlling behavior he would threaten me by saying he would tell everyone we had sex and I would be the school slut and he would ruin me.

He would become down right verbally abusive and at times pressuring me into having sex with him. Sometimes I look back and ask myself: Was it rape if I was a willing participant even though I didn't want to have sex? I became a 16 year old girl trapped in my own life of hell.

Opening Statement! First Draft

Sometimes we do things in our own survival that doesn't necessarily mean society will accept it. 14 years ago in the summer of 1998 I was raped and due to the rape I got pregnant and with a lot of thought chose to have an abortion. It was my last stand of everlasting abuse in my own life and I was going to stop this generational cycle of abuse within my own family. It would end with me.

I would in whatever power I could muster up to fight my past and at times, I lost the fight. I was broken and I was chasing a dream I so desperately wanted and it was to feel like I belonged, to feel accepted and to know why my life went down the way it did.   I tried hard and after years of self-destruction from an eating disorder, an image disorder, anxiety and OCD I worked through my problems with years of therapy, having children and learning to forgive myself of all the shame within my own life and I needed to learn to forgive myself for all the wrong within my life.  

18 months ago I gave my life over to God in a prayer room in St. Vincent Medical Center because I was dying from compilations I had from catching pneumonia and also having lung surgery and if it was my time to go I was with peace with death.

Of course, I’m still here and since then Jesus has been healing my heart and here I am today talking with you because Jesus knew I could educate our community through the experiences I have lived and he knew my fear of repercussion for sharing my part of my life but today isn't about me but to educate you on how we can become Community Advocates for the Domestic Minor Sex Trafficking Industry.

I understand why I went through some tough times cause I wouldn't be able to do what I'm about to do!! Take care, Peace....remember we all can make a difference!!

Eye of a Hurricane!

I prayed I would go see a Chris Tomlin concert. In December 2010 I found out Chris was coming to Portland. I was going to be there but the day my husband and I were going to buy his concert tickets the concert was sold out.  My heart hurt a little and going to Seattle which was his last city on his tour wasn't an option. I thought maybe next time and my dream to see him in concert would have to wait for another time.


Later that day I got an email saying Chris Tomlin was adding another concert in Portland for April 14th. We bought the tickets right then. Pinch me, I was one step closer to seeing Chris Tomlin. Why Chris Tomlin? His music inspires me and his songs brings me closer to Jesus.


The hurricane of my health troubles started on March 17, 2011. I fought hard to get up on my feet. I struggled and I prayed. This concert meant so much to me. I knew I had to be there. I knew it would change my life. It was like desperation and the very need to be there was pushing me to move forward. 


The day I was admitted for the third time into the Hospital I realized this time was a little more serious then the last two times in the hospital.  I still kept my faith in 10 days I'll be enjoying my time listening to Chris Tomlin....I prayed because it didn't look promising.


So I had a Lung Tap, I had a blood Transfusion and oh right, I also had lung surgery all in a 5 day period. After surgery I calculated in my head I have 3 or 4 days with tubes sticking out of my body and I need to get off my IV pain medication. I needed to be discharged neither Wednesday or Thursday morning. Monday before the concert I got my tubes taken out and the IV pain medication went away on Tuesday and by Wednesday I was allowed to go home which meant I was going to the concert Thursday Night!! 


Thursday Night I was listening to Chris Tomlin. I was present and soaking it all in. Who knew less than a week earlier I was in a surgery room getting my lung operated on due too an empyema pleural effusion in my right lung. I heard there were 5 other people who had the same thing I had and I was the lucky one who survived. 


Even though I was still having problems breathing I sang my heart out. It felt so right and I was amazed I was actually there like it was a dream. I saw Chris Tomlin in concert. Those words I can't believe I said it. I was listening to Chris Tomlin in concert watching him and listening to him sing his beautiful songs. It was a miracle I was there when a week before I was told by my pulmonologist I would need lung surgery. 


My prayers were answered and dreams really do come true. This was my eye of the hurricane because a few days later I was back on another journey of more medical problems that lasted for along time. 


I needed this break and this special moment. It would push me through the very hard days, during my endless nights of depression and the sadness within my heart. It got me through my trials of pain and when I wanted to give up I would remember how I felt during the concert and it kept me moving along.


Today is near the end of September and I'm slowly learning to live again and the hurricane slowly gone with a lot of damage left behind. I will rebuild my life. I will get my heart right again and my season of depression will be a thing of the past because God is Good!!


I will remember the eye of the storm and what a blessing it had on my life. I'll never forget!

These scars got me on the road to see Chris Tomlin in concert. They may be ugly scars but to me they are my blessings and without them I would never have made it to April 14, 2011. Take care, Peace!


http://www.christomlin.com/

Too Busy

I have been so busy I haven't had time to express my thoughts. Life is running away from me I just need time to just relax and relaxation I have been doing by going to bed right after my kids. I so need the rest. My weekends are non stop moving from morning to night and the weekdays have been a little bit busier with church obligations. It's so nice really because I don't have time to get stuck in my head with my negative thoughts of self sabotage of my blessed life.

I just want a simple life really. Simple yet fulfilling and happiness of my own making. Which reminds me sometime this week I have to talk about Change of Plans with Joe Flanigan. Oh my, I was giddy!! Take care, Peace!!

The pain is too real!!

I'm on an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs lately and frankly I don't seem alarmed because I'm like this every year around this time. It could be lack of sun. The time of year just brings out the worst in me. I don't want drugs. I never want to put myself on prescription drugs again. If I have no choice like last week when I had a really bad sinus infection. I needed drugs for that. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind but then again I would be more concerned if I wasn't going through this.

I wasn't going to write about my struggles about dreaming about John but I feel like I should. I'm sure more people feel this way in the winter months then they want to share. I feel like if I don't talk about my struggles I can't be straight with myself. I know I got it easy. I know my life isn't that bad. I know I think I'm going crazy sometimes because thoughts have popped into my mind I wish they weren't there. My brain is on overdrive. I've been dreaming a lot about John lately. I know I said I wouldn't use names on my blog but you know what? I'm hoping if I just express to the universe I'm frustrated my thoughts will change.

My husband does come here to read  and at this point I really don't care. That's sad to me and it's not like I want to hurt him. It's not like I want him to know I've been having dreams of his friend who I had a small history with. This is who I am, broken with a past of self destruction and emotional sadness.

Today I was actually happy I have lost weight and I didn't fit into one of my favorite dresses. I was also not pleased because I think I can lose more weight. I need to work on this because it's alarming to think I could be falling into my pattern of my eating disorder. I try not to think about wanting to lose weight. I'm working on maintaining the size I'm at but I have to be honest I was actually happy I lost weight.

At this moment I weight 119lbs. My BMI is low to normal but I can fit into my size 4 jeans and in Canada that's a size 6 which is normal so I'm happy. Apart of me wishes I could be smaller. I just have to say it. I have to own my feelings. I have to knowledge my pain. I have to be honest with my thoughts. That's how I have to know what I need to work on. Having an eating disorder you need to be truthful with your thoughts because if you don't then life can be hard. I'm aware of my pain so now I'm talking about feeling happy I'm losing weight. It's out there now. I should be accountable for my actions.

It's not pretty seeing me self destruct this way. It's not pretty I wish harm on myself. It's not pretty!!  It's not right songs I love are being picked off one at a time being manipulated by bad dreams of self destruction. My safe haven is being tainted by self destruction and my downward spiral into darkness.

Sometimes I just want too fall into darkness. The pressure of living a clean life is hard. It's hard work and sometimes the work is not worth it. Sometimes I just want to just give in to living easy. I love this song hero. It meant something special to me. It was one song I could listen too and feel safe. Why does the most cherished songs have to be one of the songs of my fallen down a path of self pity and pain.

Please just let me be so I can heal and be saved. I want to be saved so I don't have to hurt anymore. Take care, Peace!!

When dreams smack you in the face!!

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I don't like that feeling like my dreams dictate my day. I was dreaming pretty good. I remember a lot of my dreams but sometimes they take a turn into reality I would rather not have to dream about certain things or someone. It bothers me and I would like to forget things in my life I'm not proud of doing. I would rather not remember and move on. Sometimes I'm not so lucky and my wonderful dreams take a turn and memories and situations come pouring out into my dreams and I wake up uneasy. I know they are just dreams but they still bother me. This morning I was dreaming about John and I just want him to get out of my head. I don't want to think about him when I'm awake or when I'm sleeping.

So this song Cheap Trick The Flame has been in my head all day. It's the song I had in my dream this morning and it was like a concert playing on continuous play that wouldn't stop.  Holy, please can this self destruction ever stop in my life. I can control my thoughts when I'm awake but in my dreams...come on now. It just sucks. I don't like when things I can't control affect my life and impacts my life in a negative way especially when John hasn't been apart of my life in 7 years.

I have moved on and maybe I shouldn't be so bothered by one stupid dream and maybe I have some guilt to deal with but it's like something I would rather not have to deal with and just forget it. I want to forget about it. I want to forget about him. I am happy or maybe I'm not but frankly I need too. It's been so long ago and it's in the past. Moving on!!

What really sucks about this situation I love Cheap Trick The Flame and now I just want it out of my head. Dreams suck....I'm so frustrated!! Take care, Peace!!