Powering your Mind!!

I love reading books. I keep telling my children "Mommy's book collection is my legacy to you". The love of reading is a passion for me just like Music is apart of my soul and well being. I like soaking my brain full of knowledge. I typically have an open mind when it comes to books. No subject is off limits to me. I have a vast collection of books about the Holocaust. I have political books, books about faith, books about History, books that are fiction, non fiction and books which celebrities have written.

I make time in my schedule to read. I have 8 books ready for me to dig right in. I'm sure if I had free rein I would put my family into the poor house because of my love of reading. I have to use self control when it comes to buying books.

When I stop being lazy I may set up something on my blog of the books I have read. I don't know yet but we'll see. Here's my fall reading list and I'm hoping to finish these books before Winter starts.

The Roots of Obama's Rage-Dinesh D'Souza
Barefoot in Baghdad-Manal M. Omar
The Confirmation-Ralph Reed
Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass an American Slave
The Communist Manifesto and Other Writings-Karl Marx and Freidrich Engels
The Federalist-Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, and John Jay

Coming later is Rules for Radicals and Propaganda. My husband couldn't get these two books at the bookstore yesterday because they didn't have them so I'm going to order these two off the Internet. It's like I need to know.

I don't agree with the Presidents ideology and it doesn't make me a racist but I also want to know where he comes from as a man. I want to know because maybe I'll get a better understanding of where his character is pushing for his policies. I'll be getting his books this winter.

Most of the books I have read in the last 6 months usually are not books I would choose to read but I feel it's important I read books out of my interests range so I know what's going on in the world around me. Would I typically read The Communist Manifesto? No, but I do want to understand Marxists and Communists. I normally wouldn't even read the Federalist neither but I feel obligated to read about USA History for my children's sake so they learn the truth about their Countries History then what the Progressives in this Country want you to learn. I'm learning more on Woodrow Wilson. Mr. Wilson was the first huge push on the Progressives in this Country. I would like to know how they think.

I always want to find the truth for myself. I want to understand more and learn more. You want to know a book that would blow your mind. Read Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. The book horrified me. Lets just say after reading this book I'm awake now as in I will be more vigilant in what the Government is doing and if that means I have to stretch my mind to insanity I will. Take care, Peace!!

I'm awake now!!

It's seems like this Country is looking ass backwards. I can't seem to wrap my brain around the crazy thinking what this Government is trying to pull and the media in bed with them just to use it's power to change this Country for the worst because they are blinded by money and greed. It's like the Media is demonizing law abiding citizens just to prove a point to further their agenda of manipulation yet Toronto's G20 protester's were being threatened by the Police and brutality of those evil Police officers. Does this video demonstrate peaceful protesters to you?



They sure don't look peaceful to me and where is the Media demonizing them when Nancy Polosi was afraid of the Tea Party. I think she's afraid she'll lose her job for fighting for the wrong side. It's not rational to me. I never saw myself as an activist or wanting to protest anything but come on, being afraid for what the Tea Party is doing is Scary Nancy Polosi?



The Tea Party is bring attention to what this USA Government is doing so we can turn this Country back to it's roots of why the USA is the land of the free. I watched this Video of a Tea Party rally and is it frightening? I'm frightened when I see it with all those evil destructive people...Nancy be afraid!!! If Nancy's afraid of this next Video then what would she feel about the first video I put up. Which one would you rather be at? I say the second but that's just me!! Take care, Peace!!!

I'm taking a stand!!

For the last few days I've been having a little civil unrest with the current Government and their policies. I don't agree with them and it's kinda scary they are passing all these laws even though the Majority of the people don't want them like the Health Care Reform. Since President Woodrow Wilson parts of USA history has been left out of the History books. Why? You can't change History just because it doesn't suit your Progressive agenda. I have a lot of homework to do so my children will learn the right USA History.

I just can't live with civil unrest. The anxiety over something I can't change isn't good for my inner soul. It's not right stressing over not feeling like I don't have a voice and it's hard watching this Country deteriorate in front of my own eyes. It's sad to watch and it's not like I can change this Country over night. I want my children to grow up with the Freedoms and Liberties this Country was Founded on. They should be proud to be Americans like I'm proud to be a Canadian.

What is a mother to do? All I can do is teach my children the importance of History, the Government, Policies and Laws so maybe they will be the Generation of Hope. I like that...Generation Hope. It has a nice ring to it so maybe in 40 years from now we'll have some Hope for this Country. Hope so my children will have the Courage to be Leaders and Hope their Generation will Honor the flag of the United States of America and it's Founding Fathers to Stand up for this Country. Stand up and show this Country they have the power to stand up and be heard!! Generation Hope!!

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Amen to that!!

We need to bring Honor back to this Country and what it stands for. Some USA History!!

The Star Spangled Banner -In 1814, Francis Scott Key wrote the poem, Defense of Fort McHenry. The poem was later put to the tune of (John Stafford Smith's song) The Anacreontic Song, modified somewhat, and retitled The Star Spangled Banner. Congress proclaimed The Star Spangled Banner the U.S. National Anthem in 1931.

Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro' the perilous fight, O'er the ramparts we watch'd, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

The land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. That's what I can give my children. To teach them to be proud to an American and fight for it's freedoms. They can inspire for Greatness. Take care, Peace!!

thoughts running through my head!!

I have lots to write about but for some reason I'm having a hard time getting it out on my computer. I feel like the chaos running rampage in my brain is making me a little off kilter. So I'll just spill the beans what's going on in my head. I may figure something out or piss off a lot of people. I don't know!! My family is surviving and things are doing great concerning my health and I'm happy for that. All the stuff going on in the world is making me a little afraid for my children. Life on the outside world is a little scary and how can I live and give my family the best protection? How do I provide a safe haven for my children away from all the crazy in the world? The things going on in the world are making me all anxious and in turn, I can't sleep. I pray all the time to guide myself and my children so we can at least, protect ourselves from this corrupt society. This whole idea of entitlement is getting me all worked up. Our Society is turning into an entitlement program. People feel like they deserve to have programs and handouts that don't belong to them. The USA Government is spending money like they have an open credit card with no limit. They keep forgetting that the money they are spending freely is the Tax Payers money. That money belongs to "WE the People"!! The whole illegal immigration and the way our society is falling apart in front of my eyes is a little scary. How do we protect what this Country used to be? Where to begin? Do I really have a voice? I'm not feeling like I'm part of the popular thinking right now. Some people wouldn't like what I have to say because frankly, if you're in this Country Illegally, you're breaking the Law. Secure the Boarders so no more illegals can come in to this Country and drain the system. I'm sorry you want a better life then come into this country the legal way like every other legal immigrant has done. Illegal is Illegal. You're breaking the Law but what do I know? Apparently it's alright to be here illegal and I wish I would have known because I wouldn't have spent all the Government fees to come to this Country Legally. Where's my handout? Where's all the free health care and education for me? Oh right, those don't apply to me because I'm legal. My faith towards God as gotten stronger because I'm afraid of what I'm seeing in the world today. My faith has nothing to do with me wanting to be saved because I believe once you accept Jesus is the Son of God you kind of are saved but I'm talking about believing in the core values and morals you should live by from what's in the bible. I've been prayer more now then I think I have ever had in the past. I just pray and I'll keep prayer until it's my time to go from this world. I just don't know if that's enough. I hope it's enough, I truly do. Somewhere in all this chaos their is a life lesson I need to learn. I haven't put my finger on it yet and one of these days I hope it comes to me like a light bulb moment because I serious need some answers. I really would like to have a good nights sleep. I want to feel rested but every day it's something else, it's more chaos and destruction. Sure, I would love to wake up and go, "look at our World and this is nice!" but reality our whole world is falling to shit. We have wars, genocide going on in parts of the world, oh right, did I say we have wars, terrorists trying to blow people up, we have economic ruin in places around the world. Humanity isn't looking all that good right now. We suck as a Human race, truly we suck!! Peace doesn't look like a possibility at the moment. It's sad!! How do I teach my children right from wrong when the USA can't even follow their own Laws? I guess I'll have to do my best. I will also have to teach them to be courageous because most likely they will be the minority in their morals. I am not ashamed to say I'm Christian and believe in GOD. I will teach my children to not be ashamed of who they are. As long as you show respect, kindness, tolerance and not expect in it in return you're doing something alright. People say they have acceptance and tolerance until it goes against what they stand for. The moment they don't agree the race card gets pulled out. "Your a Racist" You hear it in the media all the time. If that's the case, we're all a bunch of Racists. That's absurd, not everyone is a racist!! I don't agree with Illegal Immigration so I must be a racist against Mexicans. Not really! Illegal is Illegal. I don't care who you are. Come to this Country Legally. That's all I'm saying!! My ancestors were Native American Indian part of the Ojibwa tribe migrated to what is known today as the Country Canada because of the French. So who has the right to be here? you? me? So why is it so hard to see that a person who is in this Country illegally, oh sorry Undocumented Workers have the right to be here? They don't have a right to something that doesn't legally belongs to them. They are breaking USA Immigration Laws. Everything is so backwards. Common Sense. Am I the only one who sees this for what it is? I don't grudge what happened to my ancestors because of a bunch of Europeans who came over and nearly wiped out my people. This land became a Republic the United States of America. We have Laws so follow them. It's that easy! I can't change the past but I can do is talk about what's going on with life today. Of Course, I don't want everyone to leave because they're not North American Indian. I always tell my children, just because you have the right to something doesn't mean it's right to take something that doesn't belong to you. Illegal Immigrants don't belong here. They are accepted with open arms when they come into this country the legal way!! I'm just saying and I don't think it sounds too far fetched to me! This is a Country with Laws and if you want to live here then follow the laws or pay the consequences. Pay the piper!! I'm not a jackass, I'm just saying everyone is welcome to immigrate to this Country but just do it legally. It's a pain in the ass trust me, I did it and it cost a hell of a lot of money and time and energy but I did it and when everything is said and done, you can now contribute to Society and pay back into the system. Not everyone is a Racist just because they don't agree illegal is illegal. I just don't understand why illegal aliens who are already here in this Country who are not criminals(other than being here illegally) haven't filed papers to be legal? It's not like they can't go to an INS office and apply for Legal Residency. I don't get it!! Maybe I'll never know. Okay, I'm kinda pissed about Illegal Immigration. I'm glad I got some of that off my chest!!I'm done!! Take care Peace!!

Life is a choice!!!

Really understand what this saying means: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness!! The pursuit of happiness is a journey we take from within; liberty is the freedom we allow ourselves; and life is the vessel which carries both our happiness and our freedom. It doesn't say anywhere in this to achieve this you are guaranteed this from someone else. Think for yourself, work hard and life is only what you make of it. Life is about Common Sense and if you think someone will do this for you, you will be waiting along time. Take care, Peace!!!

This is my History Lesson!

I read a great book yesterday called Sarah's Key from Tatiana De Rosnay. It was a great fictitious story about two different experiences wrapped into one from two different world but were linked by generations. I cried and it was a wonderful story based on a real event in French History during WW2. I decided to write about this time because for me History is a passion for me even if I don't talk about what my passions are besides reading and listening to music. I read a lot about books based about the Holocaust. Some of these books are fictitious and others are a persons memoir based on there time during the war. To me this time in History is important to remember and all the millions of Jews who lost there life because of hatred during WW2. Every Country has secrets and shame and these are the times in History we should remember not only to learn from our History but to remember these peoples stories and to not forget them. From reading this book I learned about one day, July 16, 1942. This day is so important because of the Vel' d'Hiv, is the name of the July 16, 1942 raid - Operation Spring Breeze - during the occupation of France by the Germans. The raids in Paris were one of several aimed at reducing the Jewish population. The Jews were rounded up on buses and sent to the Vélodrome d'Hiver which at the time was an indoor cycle track. At 4:00 am on July 16 1942, 12,884 Jews were arrested from there homes. They could take with them only a bed cover, a sweater, a pair of shoes and two shirts. 4,051 children, 5,802 women and 3,031 men. Most families were split up and never reunited. After the raids, some Jews were taken by bus to a concentration camp in an incomplete block of flats in the northern suburb of Drancy. Others were taken to the Vélodrome d'hiver in the 15th arrondissement, which had already been used as a prison in a roundup in the summer of 1941. This place had no lavatories and of the 10 available, five were sealed because their windows offered a way out and the others were blocked. The Jews were kept there with only water and food brought by Quakers, the Red Cross and a few doctors and nurses allowed to enter. There was only one water tap. Those who tried to escape were shot on the spot. Some killed themselves. After five days of staying in harsh conditions the Jews were taken to camps at Drancy, Beaune-la-Rolande and Pithiviers and then to Auschwitz. The roundup accounted for more than a quarter of the 42,000 Jews sent from France to Auschwitz in 1942, of whom only 811 came home at the end of the war. Auschwitz is important to remember. History to understand the evil which happened here. Auschwitz-Birkenau was the largest of Nazi Germany's concentration camps. Auschwitz is located in Poland about 286 kilometers south of Warsaw. Its believed that up to 1.1 million people had died at Auschwitz during the war. Most victims were killed in Auschwitz II's gas chambers using Zyklon B gas. Other deaths were caused by starvation, forced labor, lack of disease control, individual executions, and medical experiments. Auschwitz had three main camps, 1,2 and 3. Nazi party's paramilitary the SS ran the camps. Auschwitz I was the original camp, and it served as the administrative center for the whole complex. Auschwitz 2 was designed to hold several categories of prisoners, and to function as an extermination camp in preparations for the Final Solution of Jews. Prisoners were transported from all over German-occupied Europe by rail, arriving at Auschwitz-Birkenau in daily convoys. Arrivals at the complex were separated into two main groups - those marked for immediate extermination, and those to be registered as prisoners. The first group, about three-quarters of the total, went to the gas chambers of Auschwitz-Birkenau within a few hours and they included all children, all women with children, all the elderly, and all those who appeared on brief and superficial inspection by an SS doctor not to be fully fit. SS personnel told the victims that they were to take a shower. The victims would undress in an outer chamber and walk into the gas chamber which was disguised as a shower facility with complete fake shower heads. After the doors were shut the SS men would dump in the cyanide pellets via holes in the roof or windows on the side. In the Auschwitz Birkenau camp more than 20,000 people could be gassed and cremated each day. Those deemed fit to work were used as slave labor at industrial factories. At the Auschwitz complex 405,000 prisoners were recorded as slaves between 1940 and 1945. Of these about 340,000 perished through executions, beatings, starvation, and sickness. Sonderkommandos yanked gold teeth from the corpses of gas chamber victims. The gold was melted down and sent back to the Third Reich. The belongings of the arrivals were seized by the SS. They were sorted in an area of the camp called "Canada". The name "Canada" was very cynically chosen. In Poland it was used as an expression. The expression came from the time when Polish emigrants were sending gifts home from Canada. Medical experiments at Auschwitz Nazi doctors performed a wide variety of experiments on helpless prisoners. The most infamous doctor at Auschwitz was Josef Mengele, who was also known as the “Angel of Death”. His interest in research on identical twins. Mengele performed cruel experiments on them, such as inducing diseases in one twin of a pair and killing the other when the first died to perform comparative autopsies. This was a hard time of History and one I will never forget. I have a large selection of books surrounding this era. I want to remember this time so these peoples lives were not in vain. I will always remember them and there stories. I could write more on this subject but it's hard for me and makes me emotional so I will stop for the day. Take care, Peace!

Where I've been!

I guess I should start by letting you know of moments in my life that help me shape who I became. Most moments in my life some family members and friends already know about and some moments I never disclosed until now. I don't want this entry to feel like I want people to feel sorry for me because I worked my butt off and made choices for myself to have my life today. I credit a lot of wonderful people who held my hand and had faith in me as a person. My first traumatizing experience was when my foster mother told me I was going to be adopted. I was 5 years old and I didn't understand why I had to leave. My foster parents are wonderful people and I didn't understand back then why I had to leave when they told me they loved me but I adjusted to my adopted family because I had my two older sisters with me so it made it a little easier to adjust to a new set of parents. I made lots of friends and played sports and was a happy kid over all. I even overcame some racism being Native American Indian living in a white community. Racism affected my life because I was told I was different and today I still have fears sometimes meeting new people and sometimes afraid I will not be accepted. I guess I'm more understanding of peoples feelings because I know how it feels to feel different. We're all equal and we should all respect each other's choices and opinions. Life to me is learning and growing as an individual. I read books of people who overcome some traumatic event in their lives because it keeps me learning how some people can move forward with their lives even though they faced evil and are stronger because of it. It keeps me focused on my life path. The next big life changing moment in my life is when I turned 12. News Years day 1987 is when my older sister left home. I will not go into detail surrounding this day because this isn't my story to tell. I was devastated she left because she was my older sister and I loved her but I knew she had to leave and protect herself. I can't say I wasn't angry with her because I was. She left me behind but she was only 14 herself so I don't know how she could of cared for me. I was hurt and sometimes when I think about this time I still feel hurt. It pains my heart just thinking about it. My adopted parents made selfish decisions and choices that affected all my sisters lives some way or another. I had to grow up fast and be more responsible then my parents. My father left during the week so it was my mother and two other sisters at home. When I was 13 years old I had to care for my younger sister, cook meals, clean the house and do basically a lot of things around the house because my mother would get home grab a beer and hide. I hate talking about this time in my life because this is when the verbal abuse started. Everything wasn't good enough and I was told I wasn't responsible enough by a mother who was an alcoholic. I was being criticized about every little thing I did. I was told I was selfish and being degraded and belittled by a mother who kept telling me she loved me. It was bad enough my mother tore me down and when my father was home he did it also. I was the one they used as a verbal punching bag because they thought I was weak. No child deserves to be verbally abused. Sometimes I wished they physically abused me because at least I would have bruises to show someone. Please give my mother a metal for being a great Teacher but she was a lousy mother to me. I woke up every morning scared or wondered if it was going to be a good day or a very bad day. It basically depended on my mothers mood how my day would go. I had no escape. My parents most likely will think I'm making up lies about them but I lived it and some of my close friends witnessed it. I was an easy target and they took advantage of my free spirit and tore me down verbally and emotionally. My other older sister and I ran away once shortly after our family did a nose dive. We didn't know where we were going to go but we knew we had to leave. It was a cold time of the year and were gone for a night but had to turn back because we had no food and we were cold. Every family friend was at our house that night. We were told we were selfish children for upsetting our parents and how we scared everyone. I wanted to scream in their faces and tell them all the truth about my parents but I was cold and tired. On the inside I was dying but on the outside I was playing a game. Letting the world know nothing was wrong. My first nervous breakdown was in the 7th grade during the Science Fair. My project wasn't working the way I wanted because it wasn't perfect and my home life was stressing me out and I lost it. I broke down and cried and at the time I was embarrassed because I didn't keep it together. My mother finally listened and my parents hired a housekeeper. At first, things were starting to get better but it was only a grace period. My mother was drinking more and nothing was perfect and I was always doing everything wrong. It was hard keeping up their little game of we're a normal happy family. I was in the 9th grade when my other older sister left home. It was hard on me and I was so angry with everyone, my parents, my sister for leaving me behind and God, for giving me this shitty life. This was my hell on earth. I stopped trusting in all adults at this point. I asked for help and no one listened. I felt so alone and if it wasn't for my friends keeping me together I don't know where I would be today. They were my rock and I thank them. There was this guy I had a crush on in high school and it started in the 8th grade. Most of my high school friends probably know who I'm talking about. Don't tell him. I thought I was madly in love with this guy. You know all the puppy love bull crap that goes on in school. One December night a couple of my friends got drunk and I met a guy that night. I thought if I pretended to be interested in this guy my crush would get jealous. I don't think he got the jealousy memo or I just didn't ask or care. A guy was interested in me. I had my first high school boyfriend. He was much older than I was like 4 years older. He was charming and said all the right things to me. He stood up for me with my parents. I lost my virginity to him at 16. I know I wasn't really ready for sex but I did it any way. Why? I wanted someone to give me the love I so desperately needed. I was emotionally worn down and he was my knight and shining armor so I thought at the time. I should have saw the signs I was headed down the wrong road. At first, he would get mad when I was spending time with my friends and we would get in terrible fights and break up but he would always convince me to come back. I was the only one for him and he would change..bla bla bla! I was in a typical abusive relationship. I didn't want to see it because my parents home was like hell to me. The first time our relationship got physical we were in Santa Barbara, California. We got in an argument on a busy street and he pushed me down to the ground. He got angry with me for some reason and of course, we made up like all the other times before. The last night he ever laid a hand on me we were living in an Apartment in Halifax. I went home this one night early from a bar because I was drunk and when he got home he lost it on me. I was so scared for my life. I never in my relationship saw such hate in his eyes before and truly thought he was going to kill me that night. I managed to escape and ran to the hospital and I pressed charges. I felt so degraded having to go to the Police station and take pictures. We were apart for a month when I contacted him though his voice mail. I had to ask why he could do this to me. He didn't know and I forgave him. I was ready to leave him for good when he lost his father. I had to be there for him. He needed me and I couldn't walk away because I loved him. It took me several years later to leave him. I was in that relationship for 7 1/2 years before I got the courage to walk away. Some people want to know why did I stay with the guy for so long. Scared I wouldn't find someone else. I was torn down so much in my life I didn't have any self-esteem left. I didn't think I could make it on my own without him. So many reasons for staying and not enough reasons to leave. I learned from this relationship I had the power to say "not anymore" and made choices for me and what was best for me. I had the control! Now I have to back track back to 12 years old again. I had some good times involving my friends. My life wasn't all in turmoil all the time. They kept me believing in the good side of life. Most of my good times were with my friends and if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have a reason to keep moving forward. My mother was a control freak and I wasn't good enough for her but my friends didn't care. They liked me for me and not what they thought I should be. I learned about Eating Disorders in 9th grade gym class when I was 15 and that's how it all started with that. I was the out of control teenager hating the world and wasn't afraid to express it. My friends were my escape and it was a relief to have great friends and we did some crazy stuff together. When I was 17 years old June 1992 I was diagnosed with Diabetes. My fear was gaining weight and I gained a lot like 30 pounds plus. I had used my diabetes in a way to lose weight fast. I understood how the disease could help me lose the weight. It was my enabler in my battle with finding control in a life I felt I didn't have control over. When I was 23 years old out of a bad relationship on my own for the first time in my life. I was supporting myself and living on my own. I was doing something I never thought I could or believe to do. This was big for me. This was when I met my future husband over the Internet. We chatted several times on the computer which lead to phone calls. We got to know each other and it was refreshing to have a guy who cared about me and not even know what I looked like. I couldn't afford much of an apartment back then so I rented a room in a boarding house. I didn't care because it was my own place to call home. In July/August 1998 one night I fell asleep and forgot to lock my door. The loner next door who never talked to anyone came into my room that night and raped me. It was a devastating time for me. I didn't report him to the police because I didn't have the strength to go to court again. I did it once and didn't want to do it again. I had way worse things happen to me in my life I could get over this. I needed to not let this consume me and that was another reason I didn't report him. I wanted to move forward. 2 weeks later I missed my monthly friend. I took care of it the best way I could to move forward. It was the right decision for me at the time in my life. I believe abortion is wrong but I believe it's the women's right to make her own choices. I did something I knew in my heart could break me and I didn't make this decision lightly. Their was a lot of tears shed and when I fixed the situation I moved on. My husband and I met face to face in November 1998. I think that was my craziest moment in my life. I think I was temporally in sane for going but I did and it was a fun trip. This relationship was refreshing and it was hard to trust in how good it felt. Some of the decisions I made afterward were stupid and down right crazy. I had this guy who loved me and I was drinking with my friends and having my cake and eating it too. I was never the girl to have sex with different people but I did. It was a wild time in my life being stupid. I made the decision to move to Portland, Oregon and in April 2000 I up rooted my life and took this huge leap. By then I was emotionally broken inside. My conscience was hurting for lying and cheating on a guy I knew loved me and I loved back. July 2000 I was put in the Hospital for Diabetic Ketoacidosis. Diabetic ketoacidosis develops when you have too little insulin in your body. Without enough insulin, sugar (glucose) can't enter your cells for energy. Your blood sugar level rises, and your body begins to break down fat for energy. This produces toxic acids known as ketones. Left untreated, diabetic ketoacidosis may cause you to lose consciousness. Eventually, untreated diabetic ketoacidosis can be fatal. I was lucky this time around. The Doctor told me I was lucky if I just waited a few days to come in there wouldn't been anything they could have done to save my life. I got a really good reality check. I almost died and this was big. You would think this would have been a wake up call but this wasn't my rock bottom. I was emotionally broken and didn't know how to pull myself through so I punished myself with food. I hated myself so much and didn't like who I became at this point in my life. I was pushing away a guy I loved because I didn't feel like I was worth it. My health was getting pretty bad so I made the decision to move home to Canada. I got medical help and I tried to put my life back together. I was emotionally broken and one of my lowest points in my life. I finally told my husband everything, all my fears, all my lies and all my truths knowing by doing this I may never see this guy again. I was prepared for this to happen and I unburdened my heart and I wanted to start fresh in my life. Letting go some of the pain I felt was good for me. As you know he didn't leave and he didn't walk away. We got engaged in May 2001. He wasn't going to let me go and I didn't want him too. We got married in Reno in November 2002. It felt so right to me. I was finally in a good place to be. The roller coaster of up and downs in my life with good times and the bad has given me faith in trusting I can make good choices in my life. I have learned hard lessons from my mistakes, bad judgments and I take full responsibility for my actions and my life. I think it has made me a better mother and more understanding because I've been in places in my life where I wouldn't choose for my family. If I didn't learn from my life then what's the point in growing, learning and to be a good person. I stopped drinking alcohol because I made stupid choices when I was drunk and poor choices that only caused me greater pain. I got my faith back in God again and I know I can count on him to guide my life to achieve the life I always wanted and deserved to have. Even though I was broken and beaten I still pulled up my head and fought for me. I wouldn't change a thing in my life. With hard work in putting back the broken pieces I called my sorry life I finally can see the other side of the rainbow. I finally forgave the choices that were made for me when I was a teenager and it doesn't mean I will forget what happened but I know it wasn't in my control but it's my control now as an adult to accept what happened and move forward. I think I was holding onto pain and suffering because I didn't know how to let go. I choose to want a better life so I'm doing it. Everyday I thank the life I am living. I feel like my battle of emotional heartache is gone because I make the choice and decision to not affect and consume me. Those days are over because I choose to live a better life. I could so easily be in a hard place right now but I pulled through and anyone who feels like they have no more energy to start over you can. It's taking responsibility for your life and to forgive the things you didn't have control over. You should never forget your own history but learn and grow from it. I accepted help because I couldn't do this by myself and the only way you can get help is ask for it. Just reach out to the hand who wants to help you. I had many hands who helped me and it was all worth it. I am in a stable marriage with two wonderful children. It was along journey of learning about self love and respect for myself. I live in the present and this is where I want to be. There were more moments in my life I didn't talk about and may be in time I may disclose those chapters in my life but this isn't the time. I dedicate this entry to all my friends, my family and extended family who supported me through all my life journeys. Thank you for believing in me :)

My long time struggle with an Eating Disorder!

Some people don't understand fully about this subject. It's hard explaining something when you never had to struggle day in and day out with something so complex as an eating disorder. It has nothing to do with food but every thing to do with control. I characterized myself between anorexia and bulimia. I wrote this sometime in June 2004. The reason I am quoting myself because I'm in a different place now and back then I was living it. I was in a dark place emotionally and I was hurting with an inner fight I was losing and I would have to say I am not there anymore. I will always be fighting an Eating Disorder for the rest of my life. I learned what my triggers are and I DO NOT want to go back to THAT place of darkness. If anything else I can help someone else going through an Eating Disorder. I am warning you what you're going to read is emotional. "I shouldn't’t care what I look like because that sounds so vain but if you were told repeatedly over and over something is wrong with you, maybe, just maybe you would be screwed up as much as I am. I need to look perfect for me and only me. I’m so far from being perfect in my own eyes. I need to accept me. So many factors and this goes deep within my heart. I’m fighting with myself now and with all the trauma I had growing up and all the heartache being given’ up like yesterdays trash doesn’t compare to feeling like you can never be good enough in your own eyes. My ED has taken over my life. It consumes me every minute of the day and haunts me in my dreams. I can’t runaway from it. I silently cry within when I eat one piece of food. I hurt even more when I binge. I cry out when I purge it all back up. I am never in peace because it’s on my mind. My brain keeps telling me I'm not good enough and my heart keeps telling me I'm worth the whole world. I’m scared I’m losing this battle within. Some days I can’t get myself up to function and do just the little things and other days it’s not all that bad. No matter what people tell me about myself I have a hard time believing and trusting in it. I wish I could see what you all can see about my image because you don’t understand my perfection. How can you because I never talked about it until now. I could try to explain what my perfection is but I’ll be blue in the face and you would never get it. Maybe down the road I will try to explain my idea of perfection but right now it’s not the time. Maybe I don’t have time but some day I know I will beat this ED and then I can talk about it." "How do I begin? It’s hard opening up my heart and soul when all I want to do is run from my emotions. It seems like I’ve been struggling to get my shit together with this ED for years. 14 years to be exact and that’s a long time to have this disorder. I swear I done it all but then I’m still here all messed up so I couldn’t have done it all but I’m doing therapy, group therapy and I even joined a support group online but it’s all not enough to help work my life out. I’m going through a rough spot at the moment as you can tell. I’m feeling all sorry for myself. I’m dogging my body and I can’t even get my lazy butt off the couch and do some simple exercise. You would think eating is supposed to be some easy thing to do and it’s supposed to be easy but for some crazy idea I put in my little brain, I’m afraid to eat because when I do I binge myself silly. I am like hungry all the time and I keep telling my husband I can eat but I choose not too. I would rather not eat because for me, eating means gaining weight. Gaining weight for me is like, "oh my god, I can’t say it!" You would think I would be happy being at the smallest I’ve been since grade school but no, I’m not satisfied and have to lose that extra weight I carry around my waist area. I obsess over my body like not being perfect will be the end of me. I watch Dr. Phil all the time and he always asks those crazy people on his show what’s there pay off for doing all there destructive behavior and I have asked myself millions of times what my pay off is and for the life of me I’m figuring that out. If I knew what it was I wouldn’t be struggling with my ED like I am. I know I need to keep hanging in their and all that crap but it’s hard when your brain keeps nagging at you to be stupid. One day at a time!" "It’s a Sunday night on a beautiful June day. I’m listening to music trying to express my feelings the best way I know how. I just want to cry so hard but something is holding me back. I want to be so strong like I can handle this ED alone. Sometimes I wish I kept this disease a secret and didn’t tell anybody. I don’t like feeling vulnerable and have to lean on anybody. I recognize this disease wants me to be secretive, wants me to be alone, scared and ashamed with myself. It feeds on my insecurities and my fears. This disease has taken over my life because I sometimes let it. I feel like I have nothing left to give to myself at times. I fight so hard against my ED and a lot of times I just give up and let this ED take over so I don’t have to feel what the real pain is deep down inside. I have been damage so profoundly in my lifetime I don’t want to ever feel like that again. I’ll runaway. I know to get this ED under control I have to face and not avoid those feelings and thoughts I have about my past. I feel so out of control at the moment and want to just hide and sink in a big hole to think of nothing but happiness. Sometimes I tell myself I had enough and to get this ED under control and sometimes I tell myself I can’t handle the pain so I lean on this ED to just do its thing. This might sound so stupid but I feel like my ED is my friend. My ED has always been there for me even when its been destructive to me. I feed on it to make me feel better about myself. I guess what I am trying to say is this; it’s going to be hard learning to mange this Ed when all I know is this ED. I think I’m holding back the tears because I’m afraid to feel the ache inside. The pain is too much to bear and I want to be so strong. I am one big gigantic mess at the moment. I don’t know where to start. I don’t like to feel so out of control like I’m some kind of crazy wacko. On the outside I want to look like I can handle anything. I want to seem like everything is under control. I don’t want those people to win; I don’t want to feel like I failed or something like I can let some idiotic person bring me down. I want to show them I’m not going to let them believe they have the influence over me like I’m some pathetic person that can be affected by what they have to say about me. I get so furious with these people because I myself don’t want them to win. I know my past is my past but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less today. When I finely told my mother how I really felt and how hurt I am she ran the other way. I haven’t talked or had contact with her since January. She makes me feel so insignificant at times and I shouldn’t care what she thinks but she’s my mother and I loved her at one point in my life. Maybe I still love her today and that’s why it hurts so much. I don’t know. I feel so rejected, abandoned, and neglected by her. Maybe I just want her approval and to be proud of me. I shouldn’t care what she thinks of me especially what I have in my life today but the problem is I do care and that’s what hurts the most I think. The one thing my mother didn’t have control over was my ED. All those late nights as a teenager I binged while she slept and drank her beer to help purge all the food back up I would be so proud I was defiant and it made me feel so satisfactory I got away with it that night and every night after. I know I should have found something else to get back at my mother with but that was the only thing I could think of. I didn’t realize at the time I was only punishing myself. No one can tell me today my mother cares about me because I will never believe them and maybe that’s my way of protecting myself from the hurt I’m feeling at the moment but it will be along time before I realize she cares in her sick little way. I want to scream at her and slap her into reality. I want her to feel the pain I feel, I want her to get it that she hurt me, I want her to see me the way I see myself and that she was the one that caused it. I know I am a caring and sensitive person. Maybe I’m a little too sensitive at times but I can’t help that part of my personality. That’s what makes me I guess, me. I don’t let anybody see my struggles because I’m ashamed of that part of myself. No body can eat for me or to tell me how to feel. I don’t know how to lean on anybody. I have no problem talking about things and that life isn’t fair but I don’t know how to express how I’m really feeling. I’m alone most of the time because that’s what ED wants you to do, to cut yourself off from the rest of the world. I guess I’m in hiding. I don’t want to talk to anybody or be around anybody because I’m afraid they will see right through me. I don’t like confrontations. I don’t like people seeing me in a state of hopelessness or knowing I’m in a state of desperation. I have this anxiety at the moment because I’m sharing my secretive thoughts, I’m writing out everything I keep to myself, the stuff I don’t want anybody to know about me. It’s hard to actually believe I’m human and my thoughts are normal because this can’t be normal. I can’t be normal because it seems so insane to me. I don’t like being awake at times so I just sleep. I check out of this world by sleeping. I wake up and it's another day and I say man, I can’t handle being me today. I don’t want to face another day of having to work through my demons so I sleep. Dreamland seems a whole lot better than feeling like I’m not good enough. I remember when I was 12 to 15 I would walk to my elementary school in the middle of the night and I would sit there in the cold and look up at the stars and pray that someday life would be better for me and I would get out of this disarray I lived in. I wished I would find something special for me. I wanted god to take the pain away and then I found ED. I know god didn’t want me to get an ED but for me in the middle of the devastation of what my life was about back then it was my answer. What I’m trying to say is I had this determination back then to keep holding on for something great to make me see I was worth being born. I new I had to keep fighting the good fight because I knew in my heart I had something to give to this world some way or another. I think I lost that determination I had back then. I was so young and the lessons of life are greater of a challenge then what a little child knows by wishing on a bunch of stars. I don’t know what I was thinking by sitting in the cold in the dark and thinking if I wished that dreams would come true. I only got to where I am today because I made decisions and not because of some miracles I wished for. Maybe harming myself with this ED is selfish of me but sometimes I do it and not even am aware I’m doing it at times. I will sit there on the couch stuffing my face full of food because I starved myself all day and then become conscious what I’m doing and it scares me because I allowed myself to lose control for that moment. I feel so ashamed of myself when I do that because I’m supposed to be working the program of recovery. I know recovery doesn’t mean starving myself neither. The fear I have surrounding food is like finding out you have some form of cancer. It’s like finding out you have some devastating disease and can’t believe this could happen to you but its reality. My ED is cancer about food. Food is my drug to fight the cancer and I’m having a hard time taking the medicine. I want to stop what I am doing so badly because I know I can die from doing what I am doing. I am aware of this fact but it doesn’t make me want to stop at times. I still do it someway or another every single day and it scares me to think I’m harming myself because I’m getting some sort of satisfaction to get back at my mother. It’s like I’m abusing myself because I believe I’m this horrible person she told me I was. I keep contradicting myself because this is what the ED wants me to do. It wants me to be conflicted. It wants me to be confused and scared so I can only depend on it and no one else. I don’t like to share my thought and feelings with people because I don’t want to look like I’m some wounded soul who needs to be saved. Everything is so messed up, so crazy, and so confusing right now. It’s like I’m being pulling in every direction and all the voices in my head telling me what to do all the time. No wonder I want to check out of reality most of the time. It gets exhausting. I could keep going on tonight but I’ll leave it for another time." "I read about ED and the combination with Diabetes. I confess I lean towards foods I know I shouldn’t be eating but for me when I can’t eat something I end up craving for it. I eat a lot of junk food and sweets. I can’t help it or maybe I can but it’s like I have to have sugar because I know I shouldn’t be eating it. Once I figure these thing out I won’t want to eat candy and anything else that’s harmful to me. I’ll want to stay healthy and do things that are healthy but for now I haven’t really gotten it yet like it took me fracturing my left arm to quit drinking alcohol. It took me moving away from my family to realize I haven’t gotten over the abuse and the hurt is still there. I just hope I don’t end up committed to the hospital for me to get it. I know I’m not there yet to get committed but I really can’t see if I am or not. I’m just trying to make good decision for me right now. " Okay, that was hard to read. I definitely am not there anymore and hopefully I can have a brighter future. My kids need me, my Husband needs me and also the world needs me. An eating disorder may in the beginning be about losing weight but then it takes over your life and you're wrapped up in your head in a dark place and never saw it coming. I hoped this has helped the inner secrets of this disease.