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Okay, I know I've already said I have an Eating Disorder and even wrote some posts about it. I think for me it's a part of me. I feel I'm in a good place where I'm doing the right thing keeping a good rain on this disease but it's easy to fall back into old habits. It's a drag sometimes like when you're hungry and the right thing to do is go get yourself something to eat right? Well for someone like myself I have to force myself to eat something like it's this struggle in my head to just get something to eat. Come on, it's that easy to just eat something and it's not that hard or a big deal. I realized my eating disorder wasn't to be thin but it was a bonus. For me it was to feel like I had some form of control of my life even though I wasn't in control of anything but torture and destruction but I didn't know that while I was involved in my head. I call my eating disorder a head disease but it's a struggle between good and evil of the brain. Your brain is telling you how worthless you are if you cave in and eat something like you're a loser or something. Then the good part of your brain is telling you to fight the evil part. It's a constant struggle which is exhausting and so messed up. There isn't anywhere for you to go because you can't leave yourself. It's that nagging voice in the back of your brain telling you what to do or not do. It's so time consuming nothing around you really matters even though everyone else matters but you don't know what to do about it. It's not like you want share your struggle with people because it's embarrassing to give your control away then there is nothing for you to feel like you have some control. It's a messed up disease and so backward thinking. It gets confusing and sometimes you don't know if you're coming or going. I don't know if I was discreet about my eating disorder. I started eating for comfort when I was 12 and 13. When I was 15 I learned I could eat and then purge called Bulimia. I was a bulimic for along time off and on through out my young adulthood. I then started becoming an anorexic and bulimic in my late twenties. Those days were torture and the pain in my soul just tore me up. My ED(eating disorder for short) was my secret and if someone would have confronted me during the darkest moments I would have denied denied and denied I had a problem. I was fortunate no one ever confronted me if I had a problem. I know having talked with the hubby he knew exacting what was going on but he didn't know how to get help for me. This is also a sore spot for me about the guilt you have and with me I feel guilty for putting my hubby through hell and I'm sure I wasn't easy to live with. Having an eating disorder is a selfish disease. It's selfish because it's all about you and yes, you have relationships but everything revolves around you and what you can handle. You are aware what you are doing to your body and no one can tell you any different when you are in your ED head. Everyone else has the problem and what you are doing is okay because it's just delusional what you are thinking. ED affects everyone in your life some directly and indirectly because ED can kill you so that affects everyone who loves you. It's selfish and I learned this from my group therapy which in turn made me feel even more guilty. I don't know how you would confront someone if you believe they have an eating disorder. I guess you would need to get a Doctor's advice. I gave myself my own intervention and got help on my own because I was tired and I needed a kick in my ass. It did take me getting pregnant with my daughter to be full aware of what I was doing to myself. It wasn't about me anymore. I had someone else to care for. It was a real wake up call. I wouldn't recommend to get pregnant. I was one of the lucky one's who got it after children. Some people are not so lucky. With any addiction disease the person needs to help themselves. The only person who can help you is yourself. My ED is still painful for me. I somethings feel like I'm losing my battle with this disease but I just have to look in my children's eyes and know why staying on the right path is important for me. My downfall will be from something else than me dying from my eating disorder. I don't want ED to be what I am about. I don't want people to associate me with how hard I struggled with an Eating Disorder. I'm better than that. I want to be known I did the best I could to be a hands on parent who did everything she could for her family. I would much rather be known as a fighter for the right reasons then the wrong reason called selfishness. I asked for help and I'm a better person for it. Thank you all!!!! Take care, Peace!!!!!