Just one of those struggles!!!

I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I have some serious blues and I can't figure out why until I was sitting on my couch this morning worrying about my weight. Man, sometimes I wish I didn't have an Eating Disorder and I can just have my thoughts without my thoughts tainted by destruction and self pity. The last time I went to the Doctor back in July she said I had to gain some weight and I was like Hell no. I will not gain weight on purpose. Okay, I maybe underweight to everyone else but to me I could lose more weight but you know I have a hard time with the word weight. When it comes up I just want to crawl in a hole and not have to think about it and hopefully if I don't acknowledge it maybe somehow it will just go away. I don't like dealing with things which are hard for me to handle but this morning I'm freaking out about my weight. I tried to eat some food this morning and something I enjoy eating but I couldn't put it in my mouth like it was diseased and the most grossest thing in the world. I tried some fruit but no I just couldn't touch the stuff. I haven't eaten anything today and I really don't feel like eating and that alarms me. I'm so frustrated with myself. I understand I should just eat something and what's the big deal but to me and anyone who has ever dealt with this disease knows that's the hardest thing to do is just go eat something. It's like the fear of heights. The anxiety level right now is through the roof as we speak. I want to be real about this and sometimes when I feel like this I want to go hide my head in shame and close myself off to the world. This is my shame, my pain and my dirty little secret but I know by just running away from it all isn't going to help me any or my family. I need to talk about it and just let my feeling fly free so it's out their and then I will have to be accountable to this disease. I feel like I'm in transition because I can go months not being bothered by my eating disorder and than BAM it's in my face making me feel so insecure and then I want to just cry. I want to cry and I don't want to deal with this but I know it's important to because this bump in the road isn't going to fix itself if I just ignore it. Man, I wonder why I put myself in my own self drama because it hurts? It's like the time I used to be a self cutter. I know I never talked about that time in my life before and it's the first time I even mentioned it. I don't think my close friends or family even know about that but hey, I'm keeping it real so it's out their now. When I used to self cut the release of self pain felt so good. I enjoy conflicting pain on myself like it was my own satisfaction and I looked at it as Look, you can't hurt me like I can hurt myself. I know that's twisted thinking but when you lived my life and was treated the way my parents treated me you kind of get a little dysfunctional. It was like I was releasing the intense pain I was feeling in my heart. I was in my early twenties when I started with self cutting and it ended as quick as it started. As much as it felt good in the moment I was afraid I would get caught and it was so different then getting caught being confronted with an eating disorder because you can deny and deny you have an eating disorder but with self cutting you leave evidence behind. You can't deny self cutting no matter how hard you try to hide it. I guess I'm just trying to say is I want to conflict pain on myself and years past I did this to just feel something. What I want to feel right now is my guess. I know it's something serious because I don't get in this state for no reason. Maybe in the next couple of days I will figure this all out so I can get back on my path of healthy living. Take care, Peace!!!