Someone wanted to know!!

So I got an email the other day and I meant to write an entry on it that day but I lost track of time until now. Sorry anonymous I forgot to respond. This person wanted to know how my eating disorder is doing. Well, it's good and at times not so good. It's a daily struggle and I won't lie. I have days where I just wish I didn't have those underlining thoughts of self destruction. It's easy to just fall down and allow my demons to just take over. My thoughts sometimes are just not good for me. I call them my insecurities. I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, I could lose more weight, and so on and so on. It's a nightmare but I stop myself from going down this road by understanding I can't for my kids. I can't lay down and die especially because of my daughter. I hope she never has to deal with this disease and I don't ever want her to go down this path because of actions I have shown her. How devastated I would be if she went down this road because she learned it from me. I get so upset just thinking about the horror it would shatter my soul to know I caused her to feel she needed to do drastic behavior because of me. Brings me to tears just thinking about it. I'll do anything and work hard to fight my demons from my own eating disorder so I don't show her bad behavior and think that's what girls should do. Never!!! This is why I have to not allow my eating disorder to control me for the sake of my daughter!!!! She deserves better!!! It's a form of control I deal with on a daily basis and most days I'm cool. It's freshening not to have a thought or a trigger take over my thoughts and I'm like this is nice but there are days where life is tough and I got to control it somehow so my anxieties can calm down. I'm not on medications for anxiety but sometimes I just want to run to my doctor so I wouldn't have to feel anything but really, that won't help deal with the thought of why I feel so out of control. It's better to deal with the feeling and find a solution and keep moving forward. I'm not saying it's easy and celebrities say they are ED free are only kidding you. You can have a normal life with an eating disorder but it's making sure you are living a healthy life but you never really get over it. Anything and I mean anything can trigger a mishap with an eating disorder. Like I know when I eat too much for dinner the first thought is I should go and purge a little and that might make me feel a little better or their is a function in a week so if I cut back on my food I just may fit into the outfit just a little better. All kinds of situations you have to be careful about and be aware of so those insecurities don't lead you down the dark path your eating disorder wants you to go down. It's a very scary place and really it's my safety net as I have no where to purge. I'm a stay at home mother, I'm with my kids majority of the time and they never let me close the bathroom door so for me it's like a scared tactic to not let them see me with my head in the toilet unless I'm really sick. So I gave myself an excuse on not to throw up in the toilet. I can't over eat because I have no where to purge it because my kids could see me so I don't over eat. It works, whatever gets you though the day on the good side who cares how you manage to do it. I want to be a good example to my kids and my motivation is I don't want them to see me struggle with this disease. I'm healing and I'll keep healing on good days and the bad but I know I'm doing my best I can. Take care, Peace!!