Livin' on the Edge!!

Life's not that bad for me now but sometimes I just have to breath so I can step back to see the true picture of my life. I have moments in my life where I just want to scream on the top of my lungs, hit the floor and say not today. Sometimes I just have no reason of why I feel like doing that and sometimes I feel overwhelmed and need a break and it's my way of putting life into prospective. I have it good. I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones who has made it from darkness into the light. Sometimes I just need a kick in the pants to show me I don't need to live in my head anymore. My crazy mind doesn't need for me to suffer anymore.

I look at my beautiful kids and I'm happy and my relationship with my hubby is the best. My family has a great life, and we are secure and we have each other. I'm truly blessed to have a wonderful support system with my extended family and friends. I have to remember I made this life for me. I worked hard so I can give my children a good home. I work and I'm mindful not to take my marriage for granted.

Sometimes my old ways comes through in times when I'm self conscience and then my awkward control issues which gives me anxiety. I'm working on this. I don't like this about my personality but it's something I work really hard to control :)  Control...ha ha!! I'm working on my control over my control issues. That's kinda funny!!

Sometimes I feel like I am living on the edge of good and evil. It's a struggle at times because I know what I want and I know what I want for my family but sometimes when I feel like I'm at my more vulnerable state of mind I feel like doing something really stupid. Seriously I can get stupid!! Say No to Stupid!!

Lately I feel insecure about aging. Maybe this is my mid-life crisis. I feel old and I feel like I look old and for people who know me knows I don't look old but I do feel old. I know it's a mindset but still. I feel like bitching!!

I get paranoid when I think this like my eating disorder is playing tricks on me like I know I will never be completely healed but in recovery so it freaks me out like I'm going to go down that path again. Then I get freaked out like maybe people will think I still have my eating disorder. I go places in my brain which is dangerous for my well being. I freak out and I over think to much. I stew over the stupidest stuff sometimes. My weight is an issue for me and it will always be an issue. I understand this and I know this but man, sometimes I wish it wasn't. I wish I didn't have a though in my mind that I should fit in a size two jeans then a size four jeans I fit into now. Then I feel guilty for thinking I should fit into a size two jeans and I should be happy at the weight and size that I am now and then I feel guilty for feeling guilty. Oh my, it's a never ending cycle of crazy until something happens that I realize what I'm doing is just plain whack a doodle.

How I deal with things like this is I start stressing over things I can't control. I know that's not a good thing where my head goes. Then it turns into down right freak out over things I can control like my house. I get bothered over the out of control my house seems. I like everything being in a place. I don't like clutter. I despise clutter so when I have three people in my house who are the opposite of me it's kinda hard for me to deal at times because I look around my space I call my home and things are piled up here and there. My hubby has his organized mess and my children have their toys everywhere. I get stressed my house stinks. Yes, I worry about my house stinking. It's overwhelms me. It drives my brain to the point of no return.  I'm a work in progress and trust me I'm not crazy like this all the time I swear. :)

Then I worry I'm sending out bad vibes like a certain someone will come back into my life and just mess everything all up for me because frankly, I don't know what I'll do in regards to this person. I say I can make great decisions but unless I'm tested by the Universe I won't know if I'll make the right choices. No bad vibes please!!

Then I have to remember the most important things to life. Does it really matter I have dishes in the sink for a day? Does it matter I didn't finish the vacuuming in one day? I fret over the small stuff and I'm learning to let go of some of my worries. Just let it go. Fly free worries and anxieties. Fly Free!! Life is truly a blessing. Take care, Peace!!