My life is like waves crashing against the rock on the shore. Sometimes it's beautiful and peaceful and you can sit and watch the waves coming to shore and it's nice. Then other times it violent and angry waves crashing against the shore and it's scary like the waves are going to grab you up and drag you off to sea.
My thoughts keep changing and I'm changing. My role as wife and mother keeps changing and sometimes it's great and I feel at peace and other times I'm just standing at the edge scared I'm going to fall off.
I promised myself I was going to have a great summer. I promised this year was going to be different because last year I was dealing with Vicodin addiction. So far my summer is what it is and I'm working on just letting things go because I'm learning about myself. I tend to keep things tight and what's harmful for me I tend to repeat when myself unravels. My life is unraveling and I'm at a place where I have two paths to take. One where I know is the hardest way but it's good and the other path which is the easy path but in the end is destructive.
I want to latch on to what is good and I want to hold on but the feeling of abandonment and rejection is hard for me. It's deep within my heart and having to work through that is hard. I would rather drink myself crazy. I would rather numb myself with drugs. I want to feel the underlining of a warm rush though my body then dealing with the emotional trauma within my head so I can have peace and move on. Life would have been so easy if I grew up in a loving and happy home.
Today the hard path wins but it's a matter of time when I can't hold on any longer and the violent waves drags me out to sea and frankly, I think I'm okay with that. Take Care, Peace!!
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