There are so many days these last few months I just wanted to write my feelings out. I've been in a funk since last Summer and I've been working it out but the moment I'm about to sit down and work out my problems on the computer I just wanted to chuck my laptop across the room because I'm so frustrated with life....It's like this battle within my head and everyone just seems to say something that pisses me off and I get angry and I clam up like a shell because that's what I do. I can't be a rational person and when I get offended by someone I clam up into a ball of nerves and I'm just one manic person who needs drugs to sleep at night because if I don't I won't sleep. I will be up all night stewing about something that shouldn't matter.
I also thought maybe I have some mental problem and should seek help but then I come back to earth and realize if I did take some mental health drug I would be happy but still crazy inside.
When I seek answers I just ask the questions and sometimes I like the answers but most the times I get more confused. Like God for examples, I believe in Jesus and I believe in the one who created all things. I read my bible and I go to church every Sunday and I do bible study and I'm soaking in the Lord I enjoy it and I have had my experiences with Christ I can't explain it right and I know I'm not walking my life alone. People would think I was crazy to think I was touched by Jesus and no I wasn't on Drugs when it happened. Why me? Why am I so special? and I will have to tell you I'm not special at all because I'm messed up just like you are.
The problem I can't get over is I had an abortion when I was 23 years old. I've been stewing about this for months now. The brokenness over it is swallowing me up like a tidal wave crashing against the beach. I made the decision to have an abortion because it was a moment in my life I needed so I could live. I was saving myself and people will call me a murderer. What about it's life? I know all the questions and I have an answer and it may have taken me almost 14 years to express and share to whomever reads this blog. I will share it with you.
I choose life and I'm pro-life. Well how could I say something like that if I had an abortion? I believe in life and I may have ended one life but I chose my life. I believed my life was more valuable and I believe I'm worth saving. I may be dysfunctional and I have my faults but too me, this pregnancy would have killed me. I hope you never have to feel how it is to be violently raped because it took away something inside of me and I became broken that night. Apart of my soul died and for the longest time I tried to forget about it. I needed to believe life was good and I wanted to feel safe in a world who hated me.
When you have walked in my shoes and lived the life I have lived up until I was 23 years old, maybe you would understand the choice I made. Do I regret my decision? No, and I would do it all over again. Life can change in seconds and I can't live in fear any longer and hide behind the mask I have created for myself.
When I hear a Christian talk about how evil abortion is or see pictures posted on Facebook of what a fetus looks like at 12 weeks of gestation it hurts a lot. Look, I understand aborting your child is something you shouldn't take likely but ask all those girls and women if their life is important too. Ask them!! I would tell you the tragedy isn't the abortion itself but the act of getting there. People want to place blame because that's what we humans do have to place blame on people to justify their hatred. Of course, opposing abortion isn't hatred when you're the one opposing it but for me, who has had an abortion I find your opinion and your voice full of hate and not at all loving like Jesus teaches.
I just want to scream on the top of my lungs my life is important too when the topic of abortion is brought up or when someone comments on how bad it is but then I get afraid. I don't feel comfortable with conflict so I don't stick up for myself. I understand killing an innocent life is sad and it shouldn't happen but sometimes you don't make that choice the girl or women in that situation who is going through something big in her life decides that option. We should be supporting her, loving her and telling her we will love her no matter what she decides then to shun her because she choose her life or make her feel guilty because she thought her life was worth saving.
Making me feel guilty I had an abortion isn't helping your cause of ending abortion. Posting pictures of unborn babies on Facebook isn't going to change the fact I had an abortion. Making abortion illegal isn't going to stop abortion. That's the point. Women who are in desperate need will find a way to end their pregnancy if it's illegal or not. Jesus forgave me for my sins and I ask for forgiveness on a regular basis and he already forgive me the moment he died on the cross. I don't understand why some Christians feel I should be condemned for something I have been already forgiven for.
I feel like every moment of my life since I was sitting in that Doctor's office afraid to tell my friends I was there in the first place. I was afraid to say I was raped. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to keep explaining what I did. I just want to move on with my life but I wished I had someone holding my hand telling me I was worth it and everything will be alright and my life was important but I was frightened and scared and I was alone. I was alone with no one to look me in the eyes and tell me everything is alright. Each time when the topic of abortion comes up and that part of my brokenness just proves it further I choose the wrong life. It proves within that part of me I'm not worth it and I'm not to be loved and why on this earth I should feel special? This is how I feel this brokenness I call my life sitting on the bathroom floor with tears streaming down my face afraid to say anything but in that moment I scared I'm going to die.
I want to be angry and I want to say something but each and every time I want to say something my body just wants to vomit and I run the other way. How do you explain to someone who believes you are a murderer? How do you express your feelings when they already made up their mind about abortion? I would love comfort and peace within my brokenness and I've been on my knees plenty of times to give me healing within this part of life which is broken. Sometimes when I'm in church and I'm praying to God I start feeling maybe it could happen to me but then I remember and all those feelings comes pouring back into my heart and I'm that lost little girl again asking God why do you hate me? I have faith I can be healed but I have come to an awareness it will not be on this earth. It won't happen in my lifetime but someday my brokenness will be healed though him who has created me.
I am hurting, I feel like I can't trust anyone, like my feelings don't matter and I'm all over the place emotionally because I'm intertwined with abortion. I can't run away from this topic any longer because as much as I want to hide, I cry myself to sleep every night, and I just want to speak my mind but I'm afraid of judgement, I'm afraid and lets just make this clear, I shouldn't have to tell another Christian about loving everybody.......I matter too!!! Take Care, Peace!!!
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