Depression is beneath me!!!!

I swear I get paranoid about Depression because I've been told it's in my DNA and I have family history of depression so it's like I'm always looking out for the signs of depression. It's like I doubt myself thinking maybe I am depressed but I really don't know. The doctor's were concerned after giving birth to my first child I would have serious post-partum depression but I didn't. I think I fought so hard to have my daughter I wouldn't let myself not bond with my daughter. It's wasn't an option for me. I do know I get a little blue in the fall and it could be a mild depression but it also could be my allergies get really bad in the fall, the weather could be a factor but it's not like hey, I may have a problem I should go see a Doctor and be put on drugs. I've tried anti-depressants before not for depression but for my eating disorder and hey, my body did NOT like those pills. Talk about Depression. I think I was more messed up on anti-depression drugs then before I took them. A drug to change the chemistry in your brain to me doesn't seem good. I'm not an advocate for drugs but hey, if they help other people then that's great for them but not for me, I didn't feel normal on them. You would think they were supposed to help but I was a numb shadow of my formal self and no, I didn't think they helped me. I managed to get though 4 years of therapy without drugs because I feel like drugs only mask the problems and I wanted to deal with my post traumatic life head on and work through it and I felt drugs wouldn't help me work through all that mess I called my life. I'm so self aware of depression I think I may push myself towards depression because I'm so freaked I may get it. It's like this doom I have over my head. Then I think okay, I may get depression and is it really the end of my life? I may never get depression on the fact I'm so worried I may get depressed. Sure I get sad and it's normal to be sad at times but my life doesn't stop when I get sad. I just listen to some music and cry my heart out and then I'm all fine again. This time a year I think about depression more because I do get blue feeling. I'm not as social and I tend to keep to myself but like I said it's the time of year. I don't feel so good this time a year with my allergies and other factors so of course, I just want to be a hermit for a month or so but it's not like I lock myself in a hole and just give up on living. Okay, sometimes I want to do that when the kids are screaming and running around and my head wants to explode from all the loud noise. Being serious again. I think I'll be okay and maybe it's a good thing I'm paranoid and I'm more aware of depression so if my life starts to slide downhill I'll have enough smarts to get myself help. Until then I'm just paranoid. Take care, Peace!!!