I keep my emotions at bay because freaking out is what you do behind doors and staying cool during difficulty I feel is a strength so when I lose it like start crying in public to me, that's a weakness. I have a lot of situations I feel when I lose it is a weakness. I don't like showing weakness so when I do I beat myself up but this last situation I'm starting to not give a care which to me is another weakness. I promised myself I would treat people with kindness, love people for who they are in life and be kind because that's who I want to be so when my heart is losing the desire to love people that worries me. I don't want to be that person who doesn't care for people, who doesn't want to be a blessing to someone.
The Church my family is apart of is a little over 2 years and we've been serving within the walls of this Church from the beginning. I've been dealing with its bullshit far longer than I should. I have been broken, destroyed and torn down to nothing by the behavior, the selfishness and emotional draining to nothing by a large percentage of the rest of the body of Christ within this Church. I stood my ground and I fought hard to keep moving forward. I serve within this Church because Jesus has asked me too. I stayed but within my heart I was hurting, I was using everything I got to be what Jesus has asked me to be. I cry in silence and I look back and look at my life the last 2 years and I'm tired of the bullying, the feeling like I'm alone, silent pain no one understands but me.
I had a Pastor who by his actions messed me up pretty bad and I guess the good thing I got out of that situation is I was diagnosed with PTSD. I also realized that "Love" is just a word because I know when my Husband says it, it's coming from the depth of his heart and I believe him, I know Jesus Love's me but when these Church folks say it, I call bullshit. You don't come into my life say you care and love me then turn around and rip the very being from me, then not have any contact with me, no apology, no reaching out, and no action to say I want to be your friend.
When I was going through one of the hardest times in my Church Life there was no one. No one came and asked me how I was doing, no phone calls, no emails, no notes to reach out and give me Love. Give me something and for what? I stay because Jesus asked me to stay. Asked me to love these people even though I was hurting so bad the pain just kept coming, to want to love, and not one time did I feel like I belonged.
It makes my heart cry out when I read on Facebook all these posts about faith, fear and not having faith if I don't do this but I don't trust Jesus if I crumble in fear so whatever! No one understands how much I rely on Jesus and how much I suffer for him in spite of my difficulties and I keep walking into that Church ready to serve my Savior, the one who died for me because he loved me that much and he asked me to reach out to my community for help to save these girls within the evil world of Sex Trafficking.
I am hurting and sometimes I have asked myself why do I put up with this crap and the last 2 years Church has been hell for me. I don't trust anyone within the walls of my Church even includes the Leadership and the longer I stay the longer I wonder how strong I can stand up from this heartache Jesus stands for me, he gives me strength and every time I feel like giving up he gets me strength because even though these people are God's Children too and they are loved just like me even though some of them act like bitches, I stay because of Him.
When I behave like I'm not wanting to care for people that makes me feel like I'm the bitch, I'm not a nice person, I'm just as bad as they are. I beat myself up for thinking all of that and who am I? I understand why no one likes me, why on the surface it's all nice and I'm not approachable, not worth it like other people and I have to fight it harder to be worthy. Jesus tells me different but in my heart is broken and one day I wish I could be seen for who I am then what people think I am.
I'm so frustrated, my mind is on overdrive, my thoughts all confusing, my heart hurting and for what? To feel alone in God's Church. I'm tired and one thing I learned from all this I have cried for him and I understand why he died for me, I truly do. I need his love to live! Take care, Peace!
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