I am my own strength!!

I was asked recently about being in an abusive relationship and they wanted to know why I stayed for so long. I was 15 when I met the guy. He was 4 years older, my parents hated him and I wanted to get another boy jealous is why I pursued this relationship plus I wanted a high school boyfriend. Ha Ha and I don't think I ever found out if I made the other guy jealous or not. If I did he never told me about it and no one told me if he was so really, that was a lost cause. So funny trying to make another boy jealous and so high school. :) You don't go into a relationship with someone thinking it will turn abusive but over time it became one. I saw the signs right from the beginning but I ignored them. Some of the signs: I wanted to hang out with my friends he would get angry with me because I wasn't spending time with him. He would tell me he hated my friends and I shouldn't hang out with so and so because of this reason. Silly, looking back I had so many chances of just walking away. I figured I needed to understand this part of my life journey. There was a reason I went down this path in my life. The relationship didn't get physical until years into the relationship but in the beginning it was more verbal. I went into one abusive relationship to another. I was trying to escape my parents abuse and walked right into another. My faith was sealed and the only thing my mother taught me was to not give up on the one's I loved even though if that relationship was toxic. When we first started dating it was fun, we got along great but then he started making me choose between him and my friends to the point I was kind of isolated from my friends because this sounds so cheap I wanted to make him happy so I stopped hanging out with my best friends. It was great for him but shitty for me and at the time I was so clueless because I wanted to make him happy but when you're looking at the situation from the outside it was so easy to judge but when you're smacked in the middle stuck it was so much harder to just walk away. It's the pull on the heart strings and he knew just what to say to make me coming back for more. I really wanted this relationship to work and the problem with love you seem like a failure if you don't at least try to make it work. Thanks mom but I realized not every relationship is worth saving. The longer the relationship went the harder it is to just walk away and say not anymore. I tried so many times to just walk away and I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready like more scared to fail then anything. It's hard to get the courage to just pack your bags into the scary world on your own. I wasn't ready to fly on my own two feet. I was to dependent on him financially so I was drilled to think. I had no money of my own and if I got money it went straight to him. I didn't think I could make it on my own and when you start to believe the bullshit it makes it that much harder to think you can do it on your own. The pulling back and forth, the screaming, the name calling and it's just a bunch of chaos you can't seem to escape. I was lucky to have a great best friend and her family because I don't know if I could have left when I did. They showed me how I was worth having a good life without all the pain and being hurt on a regular basis. I don't think my best friend really believed me when I called her and told her I finally left him for good because it took me two long hard years to just say I'm not going to take this life anymore. I was always saying I'm going to leave but never did. I think I was becoming a broken record. I'm going to leave him, I'm going to leave him, I'm not happy I'm going to leave him after awhile it just gets faded into background noise. I needed to prove to myself I could stand on my own two feet and follow my dreams then someone else. That's all it was I was following his dreams and what he wanted and who cared what I wanted. Looking back now there were many factor's why I stayed for so long. I was running away from a bad abusive home, I wanted attention and someone to love me, I wanted to finally feel special and I wanted hope. Hope was the one reason why I stayed the most. I say hope because I was searching for a better life. I knew my parents couldn't give me the safety and security I needed and the hope I could find better. That dream shattered the night he beat me up for the first time. It wasn't about hope anymore but survival. I know my family and friends were telling me he wasn't a nice guy but I needed to make that choice for myself and all those times I felt defected it didn't help having people tell me I told you so and as stubborn as I am I just wanted to prove to them more I can make this relationship work. Really, I truly wanted this relationship to work because I loved him. With all the cheating on both our sides in the end their wasn't anything else to fight for. The relationship wasn't worth fighting for anymore. I was at the end of my rope. This relationship lasted for 7 1/2 years. Do I have regrets? Sure I do and I feel guilty for putting my family and friends through the pain of seeing me in a relationship like that. I regret not trusting them more knowing they were only looking out for me and I didn't want to listen. I regret walking away from great friendships and missing out on getting to know my sisters more. So yes, I have regrets but this may sound weird I do not regret being with him. It's not one of those situations where I wish I could go back for a due over because it may have changed my life journey and I like where I am today. I truly believe in my heart I needed to experience this life journey. It has made me stronger, more understanding of other peoples lives, I have more compassion and the love for life. Do I still love him? Sure I still love him but not the same way I love my husband and children. He's still apart of my history and I wish him the best and we may not be friends anymore but I don't hate him. I have forgiven him along time ago. I have moved on. The one thing about our relationship is we did have a lot of great times together and that's what I miss the most are the good times and the trips we went on. We sure had some wild times and that's what I want to remember than those times which were painful and dark. I walked away a better person and that's what I want to remember as well. No regrets and yes, my children will know about my history. My hubby and I made a promise before we got married we would never keep secrets in our family and that includes our children. When they are at an appropriate age I will disclose my history and we will talk about it. We're all human and I want my children to know their mother made mistakes but this is what I learned and did about it. Life is hard at times but I also want them to know I picked myself up and moved forward one step at a time. Take care, Peace!!!