Inner Thoughts!

Disclaimer: Adult content and read with your own discretion! I decided to do this entry because it's important for me to write about Child Abuse and now it can change someone so personally who has gone through it including me. I think it's important to put a face to the inner struggles of what happens when a child is verbally and emotionally abused. I just want to write about the feelings behind Child Abuse and how secretive it can be for someone who is going through it. It's shameful not wanting people to know you were abused like thinking people will think you are a weak person or scared someone will not believe you or because you are so torn down you just don't want to talk about it. Whatever the reasons people keep it private is there own inner struggles. I'm in a place right now I can talk about it and share with anyone who reads this how hard and painful child abuse is and I'll like to express my thoughts on the matter. My parents betrayed me. Simple as that! They manipulated my sense of self worth. They put expectations on me beyond my capacity. Bruises to the body fade a way but bruises to the heart last a lifetime. My parents abuse set me up to become trapped in the viscous cycle of shame, suffering and self-abuse. The mental anguish I feel on a daily basis because of how I was treated is heart breaking. They always put their needs before mine. They never listened to my needs or wants. They never took responsibility for hurting me the way they did. I felt trapped and I couldn’t even fight back because they kept me vulnerable by diminishing my feelings. They were controlling, manipulative and because of that my heart was destroyed. If someone says they love you, you should feel like they love you! What a concept! Obvious, like "Duh" of course it should. I don’t feel like my parents ever loved me in the sense of what love is. They squeezed my heart to the point I couldn’t breath. I felt pressured to be someone I wasn’t. They made me so confused of what they were trying to teach me. I was uncomfortable, nervous and kept watching what I did or say around them. It was like walking on eggshells all the time living in there home. I didn’t feel alive like I was some object they could use whenever they wanted. I only let people see what I want them to see. I have a very hard time letting people know how I feel in the moment because I was never taught those lessons in life. I’ve been trying to teach myself to say what I really mean when I’m in my most desperate state of mind. When I get my feelings hurt today I have a hard time expressing how I feel and I can’t get the words out. I was never allowed to do that as a teenager. I got angry, shame of me. If I was hurting I kept it to myself. The pain I’m feeling so deep down inside, it just hurts when I even try to get down to the middle of it. Here is a poem I wrote back in 2004. When I can't express my feelings with a voice I write out the words on paper to give me a better understanding what I have to work on and what needs to be put to rest. We all have our life paths. I've gone through a lot and I'm happy to say my outcome turned out great with hard work, dedication and love in my life not only love from others but from learning to love myself in the process of healing my heart.

Desperation By DEW The undying pain inside of me wants to be hidden forever It’s too great and all I can say is "Whatever!" I feel like I’m dying inside although I act so strong on the outside I gave my heart and soul to be touched by love even losing some of my pride I’m living somewhere between full of dreams and dreadful hell I wish the pain would cave in itself inside of me and kill that part as well The blood so fresh and the cut so real Only others that hurt like me only know how I really feel You can never understand the pain within Until you understand where I have been I don’t know how to escape these feelings inside. I look around as I run but there is no place to hide. The risks and chances I have taken. Time and again I have been mistaken. What is this place of anger and fear? What freedom of expression do I have but these tears? I’m the one feeling the hurt behind close doors Agony spoken without words and these are my trophies from past wars. Each shred of hope gets lost in all or nothingness. Pain that follows erases each hint of happiness. Losing my innocent so early by the big boss Nobody knows that I’m just a little girl lost Somebody shoot me and put me out of my misery I will even go out and buy all the artillery I can’t seem to get out of my despair I don’t like feeling like this, it’s bothering me I swear I don’t want to feel more pain than the one I feel within That’s why I work so hard to be so very thin I’m so tired, really tired, and I’m out of breath Striving to be thin will only end me by death.

Who could ever believe I wrote that shit but I did and it can be hard to read and sometimes I can’t believe it all came out of me. Sometimes I don't cry anymore but most times I'm still that child of pain. Don't get me wrong and it still hurts even though its been years and at times the tears are in my throat wanting to come out. I hope I expressed my thoughts and people can understand them. It’s difficult to write out your feelings and to use the right words on what you want to say but I think I did it. I’m not saying at the end of the poem I want to die in the literal sense but more of like an expression. No matter how painful child abuse is and how destructive and mentally frustrating it is we all can do our part and be there for someone who needs a hand to reach out too. Anyone who is struggling to put there life back together after Child Abuse should know I care and I'll listen! Here is my hand and all you have to do is take it! Take care, Peace!