Things are lost!!

I lost my cell phone yesterday and I'm really bummed more than I should be. I'm in a panic because I have photo's of my children on that phone. My hubby called the phone thinking it was in the house somewhere and it went to voice mail which is weird because I never turn the thing off and I always made sure it had full battery power. It's somewhere and I want it back. We only went to one place yesterday and the hubby went back to the store today and no one found it. I know it's just a phone BUT MY KIDS PICTURES ARE ON IT and some stranger could have it which makes me panic even more. I don't want some stranger looking at pictures of my kids and I don't want to think about some stranger looking at pictures of my kids because it just freaks me out. I try to protect my kids and that's why I will never post any kid pictures on this blog because really I don't know a large percentage of people who read my little blog and no offense I have a small circle of family and friends who I trust but not so much strangers on the Internet. The hubby disconnected my phone last night so whoever has it couldn't use it and I'm just praying it will be returned to me safely. So I'm without one of my lifelines. It's a fixture of my being and I feel safe with it knowing if I need to call someone here it is beside me. Okay, little dramatic but hey, that's just me. Take care, Peace!!!

Music is my saving grace!!

Life can get to dang crazy at time and the only way I can clear my head is listen to music. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately over nothing really. I put the kids down for their nap today and I felt like an anxiety attack coming on. I felt like I was suffocating so I decided to put my headphones on and listen to some music. It helped me in so many ways it's hard to explain. All the tension I've been feeling kind of just lifted off my shoulders. I should put my music back into my daily life again. I keep forgetting how much I appreciate my time just listening to music. No one can take this away, not even bad music. Most of the music I have on my blog I listen too and I should do it more often because even though some of the songs I feel like balling my eyes out or getting up and singing my heart out I love the meaning behind the songs. It helps me get out all the emotions I have within myself and it's like a release. I'm glad I have a healthy way to release all the tension because really I know from experience it's not good to keep things all kept tight in your soul. Music is my therapy and sometimes I feel sad listening to a song because it reminds me of a moment in time and then I'll listen to music being reminded why life's great. When I'm done I feel so refreshed and the feeling feels great like my own personal high. I just want to get up and do something and whatever struggle I have seems to not be so huge before I started listening to music. The end is good and some of the songs it reminds me how lucky I am to have a great husband and family. I have a wonderful support system who have my back. I have a lot of love in my life. So I'm sharing this with you. When life seems so hard just listen to some music, so be in your car on the way home from work or after the children go to bed. Find some time to just be by yourself and just crank up the tunes. Sing or don't sing but let the music go through you. Cry if you need to or scream your head off but let all that tension out. One thing about music is it doesn't judge, doesn't talk back and it's just you and the music. You can even control your emotions by music so if you're sad because of a breakup or you lost your job then listen to sad and depressing music then turn it around to inspirational music to upbeat music. Music can be a tool to get out all the emotions you need to get out to just release it to the universe. No one has to know about it. For example I needed Cindy Lauper today True Colors exactly. Here are some of the lyrics: You with the sad eyes Don't be discouraged Oh I realize Its hard to take courage In a world full of people You can lose sight of it all And the darkness inside you Can make you feel so small But I see your true colors Shining through I see your true colors And that's why I love you So don't be afraid to let them show Your true colors True colors are beautiful, Like a rainbow Show me a smile then, Don't be unhappy, can't remember When I last saw you laughing If this world makes you crazy And you've taken all you can bear You call me up Because you know I'll be there This song touches my soul because I needed this song today to remind me life gets hard at times and no matter if things get so crazy it's okay to feel crazy but in the end everything will be all right so be crazy for awhile because life is wonderful and you just have to believe in yourself and ask to for support when you can't bare to be you. Leaning on something greater than you when you just can't at time doesn't make you weak but makes you a stronger person then most. There is no shame in asking for support even if that means just being by yourself for awhile listening to music you love. Take care, Peace!!!!

I am my own strength!!

I was asked recently about being in an abusive relationship and they wanted to know why I stayed for so long. I was 15 when I met the guy. He was 4 years older, my parents hated him and I wanted to get another boy jealous is why I pursued this relationship plus I wanted a high school boyfriend. Ha Ha and I don't think I ever found out if I made the other guy jealous or not. If I did he never told me about it and no one told me if he was so really, that was a lost cause. So funny trying to make another boy jealous and so high school. :) You don't go into a relationship with someone thinking it will turn abusive but over time it became one. I saw the signs right from the beginning but I ignored them. Some of the signs: I wanted to hang out with my friends he would get angry with me because I wasn't spending time with him. He would tell me he hated my friends and I shouldn't hang out with so and so because of this reason. Silly, looking back I had so many chances of just walking away. I figured I needed to understand this part of my life journey. There was a reason I went down this path in my life. The relationship didn't get physical until years into the relationship but in the beginning it was more verbal. I went into one abusive relationship to another. I was trying to escape my parents abuse and walked right into another. My faith was sealed and the only thing my mother taught me was to not give up on the one's I loved even though if that relationship was toxic. When we first started dating it was fun, we got along great but then he started making me choose between him and my friends to the point I was kind of isolated from my friends because this sounds so cheap I wanted to make him happy so I stopped hanging out with my best friends. It was great for him but shitty for me and at the time I was so clueless because I wanted to make him happy but when you're looking at the situation from the outside it was so easy to judge but when you're smacked in the middle stuck it was so much harder to just walk away. It's the pull on the heart strings and he knew just what to say to make me coming back for more. I really wanted this relationship to work and the problem with love you seem like a failure if you don't at least try to make it work. Thanks mom but I realized not every relationship is worth saving. The longer the relationship went the harder it is to just walk away and say not anymore. I tried so many times to just walk away and I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready like more scared to fail then anything. It's hard to get the courage to just pack your bags into the scary world on your own. I wasn't ready to fly on my own two feet. I was to dependent on him financially so I was drilled to think. I had no money of my own and if I got money it went straight to him. I didn't think I could make it on my own and when you start to believe the bullshit it makes it that much harder to think you can do it on your own. The pulling back and forth, the screaming, the name calling and it's just a bunch of chaos you can't seem to escape. I was lucky to have a great best friend and her family because I don't know if I could have left when I did. They showed me how I was worth having a good life without all the pain and being hurt on a regular basis. I don't think my best friend really believed me when I called her and told her I finally left him for good because it took me two long hard years to just say I'm not going to take this life anymore. I was always saying I'm going to leave but never did. I think I was becoming a broken record. I'm going to leave him, I'm going to leave him, I'm not happy I'm going to leave him after awhile it just gets faded into background noise. I needed to prove to myself I could stand on my own two feet and follow my dreams then someone else. That's all it was I was following his dreams and what he wanted and who cared what I wanted. Looking back now there were many factor's why I stayed for so long. I was running away from a bad abusive home, I wanted attention and someone to love me, I wanted to finally feel special and I wanted hope. Hope was the one reason why I stayed the most. I say hope because I was searching for a better life. I knew my parents couldn't give me the safety and security I needed and the hope I could find better. That dream shattered the night he beat me up for the first time. It wasn't about hope anymore but survival. I know my family and friends were telling me he wasn't a nice guy but I needed to make that choice for myself and all those times I felt defected it didn't help having people tell me I told you so and as stubborn as I am I just wanted to prove to them more I can make this relationship work. Really, I truly wanted this relationship to work because I loved him. With all the cheating on both our sides in the end their wasn't anything else to fight for. The relationship wasn't worth fighting for anymore. I was at the end of my rope. This relationship lasted for 7 1/2 years. Do I have regrets? Sure I do and I feel guilty for putting my family and friends through the pain of seeing me in a relationship like that. I regret not trusting them more knowing they were only looking out for me and I didn't want to listen. I regret walking away from great friendships and missing out on getting to know my sisters more. So yes, I have regrets but this may sound weird I do not regret being with him. It's not one of those situations where I wish I could go back for a due over because it may have changed my life journey and I like where I am today. I truly believe in my heart I needed to experience this life journey. It has made me stronger, more understanding of other peoples lives, I have more compassion and the love for life. Do I still love him? Sure I still love him but not the same way I love my husband and children. He's still apart of my history and I wish him the best and we may not be friends anymore but I don't hate him. I have forgiven him along time ago. I have moved on. The one thing about our relationship is we did have a lot of great times together and that's what I miss the most are the good times and the trips we went on. We sure had some wild times and that's what I want to remember than those times which were painful and dark. I walked away a better person and that's what I want to remember as well. No regrets and yes, my children will know about my history. My hubby and I made a promise before we got married we would never keep secrets in our family and that includes our children. When they are at an appropriate age I will disclose my history and we will talk about it. We're all human and I want my children to know their mother made mistakes but this is what I learned and did about it. Life is hard at times but I also want them to know I picked myself up and moved forward one step at a time. Take care, Peace!!!

Here we go again!!

Whenever Fall rolls around I just want to curl up in a bubble and hide. I'm so overwhelmed I'm considering going back to drinking....seriously I will not do this because I understand for one I'm a bad drunk but I've considered this deeply. I have a sick child, my eyes are hurting like crazy because my allergies hate fall and I need a break so I can sleep and just be a lazy bum for a few days. The hubby gets a week off in November and we were planning to go to Reno for our anniversary for 5 days but with our not so good money management we could go but then wouldn't enjoy ourselves to have a wonderful time so we decided not to go to Reno this year. I'm still crying about not going to Reno. I should get over myself but hey, I'm a drama queen and I understand where my daughter gets this from. Anyway, drama queen or not I was looking forward to Reno for an entire year and then bam, it's not happening so I'm being drama about it. Back to my allergies. I don't know what it is about fall that turn my eyes and skin into an itchy pain fest. Maybe it's because it getting colder and I close the windows and turn on the heat. Whatever is the reason I just want to curl up and cry. My eyes right now are two shades of red and it looks like I've been crying for days. My skin feels like a Brillo pad and I think I scratched off the first layer of my skin. I'm not a pretty sight at the moment. The hubby says I still look sexy but sometimes I wonder what he's smoking because I would love some of that right now. Take care, Peace!!!

My crazy Life!!!

One of these days I'm going to go on a strike but at this moment I'm afraid too. I feel like all I do is clean and tidy after everyone but me. I know I signed up for this but come on I didn't think it would be this bad. I'm cleaning until the cows come home and then another days comes around and guess what I'm cleaning some more. I don't have a problem with cleaning after my family but man, if I put it off for an hour it's like a tornado has taken over my house. I'm tired of tripping over toys and I have threatened the children if they leave the toys in the kitchen I will give them away to children who appreciate the toys they are given but until I follow through with my threat they keep putting the toys where I almost have killed myself on many occasion. Please, let me have some sanity for one day. My hubby keeps telling me our house should look like people live here and I know but I have this fear that someone will show up unannounced and judge me for the state of my house. I want to be a good mother and also keep a nice house. I think I'm failing on the keep of a nice house. Maybe other mothers have this same fear but I want a nice house where you don't have to step over something. We do have a playroom where the toys are supposed to stay but tell that to a 4 year old and a 2 year old. At least, I have a master bedroom that is tidy and clean except when the hubby goes to bed and his day clothes are just thrown onto the floor until the next morning when I pick them up and put them into the hamper. My space is my space and if it wasn't for a nice sanctuary I call the master bedroom I would be insane from the insanity of a mother. Yes, I will have to say being a mother is the hardest job I have ever done because not like other jobs where you go to work and then come home it's 24/7 365 days a year with no breaks especially me if I'm sick I still have to work. Last night I couldn't sleep for the life of me so I got up early this morning because the daughter had school today and then taking care of a 2 year old with sleep deprivation was daunting. I was dragging my feet trying to figure out what needed to be done today. Laundry needed to be folded and put away, the dishes needed to be put away and I had wished I got better sleep. I guess the Stargate Atlantis episodes didn't give me some nice dreams of Joe Flanigan. Oh well, maybe next time. Maybe I couldn't sleep because Wednesday's I call my hell day. It's the longest day I have to be on my game because the hubby works late and I have to deal with two cranky kids until he gets home or I have to put two cranky kids to bed by myself which is a pain because neither one of them are happy about it because their routine is off and I'm having to explain why Daddy isn't home yet. I love my cell phone and it's not like anyone calls me on it but it's my lifeline. The hubby calls and I know he will be home 14 minutes later and I can go hide for a little while and just enjoy some peace. It maybe for 5 minutes but I enjoy those short minutes where I can get focused and just remember why I signed up for this. I do enjoy my life and most of the time it's great watching my children grow into wonderful children. The hugs and kisses are the best and they are great but then they can also make me want to pull my hair out screaming my head off running out the door wondering why I signed up for this. At the end of the day while I'm sitting on the couch watching my favorite shows relaxing from a stressful day I know tomorrow can only get better because one day my children will clean up after themselves. Take care, Peace!!!!!!!