I love to sing but suck at it now!!

There once was a time where I could sing. I wasn't Whitney Houston but I could hold a tune. I was even in a Musical at age 23 years. It was a great moment to say I was in a Musical and something I can write off my bucket list of things to do before I die. I joined the choir my mother was involved in because I needed to do something to get over my shyness. Yes, I was extremely shy!! What better way to get over being shy then to sing in front of people. I had a great time which lead me into being asked to be involved with a Musical with our local theater. It was a great experience. After that I just sang for me. I enjoy singing and I would do it ofter but after I got really sick with my son's pregnancy 4 years ago I stopped singing as often. The anemia and other medical problems have gotten in the way but now I'm having a hard time singing. I'm so bummed. Maybe someday I will sing for my own enjoyment again but until then I will sing within my head. Take care, Peace!!

Tears within my Heart!!

Life has up and downs and ever since I found out I was pregnant with my daughter my life has been an uphill battle of the life I want to live and the life I'm trying to leave behind. I have so much burden within my heart and each step I take and each step forward it seems like life is my gift to my children. I need to just let life challenges that lead the path to where I am today where it should be...in the past. I just have to keep being strong and I need to keep pushing forward. I need to feel like those tears within my heart are my battle wounds of where I've been to where I'm going. It's one of those days where I feel like I'm at a crossroads of good and evil. It's the fiction to my true reality.

I don't write these thing to have people feel sorry for me. I never want pity but more for people to understand this is life. We all have felt unworthy and unloved at one point in our lives. I understand your pain, and I understand your happiness. I just want people to feel it's okay, we're all crazy with emotion and that's okay. I know I have a hard time asking for help. I also feel better when I just write what's in my head and just let it all out.

This journal is like my own personal therapy session. So the few people who come here know I'm being real. I write what's in my heart at the time I'm writing. No holding back especially when I'm hurting. If I'm not real then what's the point? What's the point of writing out my thoughts if I'm going to be fake about it?

Right now I'm struggling to figure out how to live in a world of destruction to being worldly without it affecting my well being, my heart, and the dreams for my life. It's hard when you read stories of Police Officers being shot, or some mad man killing innocent people, or the fighting between Political Parties and in the Mainstream Media. The hate in this world is daunting and it goggles my mind. So I move forward and I'm learning to separate my world yet at the same time being informed because sheltering yourself from all that will only hurt you in the end. Always know what the other hand is doing then the one that's in front of you. One of these days I'll figure it out but until then the tears are still within my heart.

You are loved and you are worthy. Take care, Peace!!

Jesus Culture!!

Somedays I just need to believe!!

Is this the end of the road?

I've been thinking about ending this blog. I have no inspiration to chat, bitch or write about anything. I had great idea's of things I wanted to talk about but then I would get mad. I've been getting mad a lot lately and it's so hard to keep my mouth shut because I have a lot to say but actually writing my thoughts in a respectful matter without writing this person is a dumbass is quiet hard so I haven't been writing because I'm trying to be a respectful person and frankly it's hard. I want to slap so many people upside the head it's not funny.

I keep saying I woke up and the world has gone mad. How am I going to raise my kids where my being is being challenged and to raise them in a world where life doesn't make sense? It's going to be work and at ever turn the more they get older I will have to challenge the crazy society we live in and whatever it will throw at them. I'm always thinking of my kids. It's always about my kids.

It's not that I want my kids to live without hardship because I think that's part of life but I want them to understand with a moral foundation of love and acceptance with out hurting their integrity.

Maybe I should change my thought process when I read the news or when I read an article a friend has posted on Facebook because lately I just shake my head and profanities just come out in my head. It's quite sad really our humanity has gone this far with little care and understanding of each others uniqueness. If only people would just stop and see the diversity as a blessing rather than a hindrance.

Why is it when you have an opinion someone doesn't like it neither turns into you're a racist, a hate monger, you're misinformed etc etc? When you resort to ignorance to make a point you have already lost your argument.

I just know I'm not going to be quiet and I'm going to stand up for what's right which means I'll stand with my friends and stand up for people I don't agree with because love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

So as much as I want to slap so many people upside the head I know that's not the answer so I'll just shower them with hugs and kisses and tell them they are loved. We are worthly and so is my blog so I will stick around a little longer. Take care, Peace!!

Reality!!

The joys and crappy part of motherhood. Oh my, in between screaming to my kids to stop screaming I'm cleaning up all the crumbs and spilled drinks after lunch I look around and my first thought is to run out of the house pulling at my hair of extreme proportions of what was I thinking of wanting to be a mother but then the calms comes and the house is quiet for a few minutes and I'm reminded of the joy it brings to my heart WHEN the kids are getting along and out of the blue I get I love you mommy.

On the days where I'm being referee between my kids neither one trying to poke the other one in the eye I have to remember they truly love each other. Okay, I can only dream my kids love each other. Sometimes the chaos can't be normal. Our dysfunction can't be normal and I'm just this crazy mother just getting through the day in one piece and hoping my kids won't end up writing a book about me when they get older of how I ruined their lives.

I still after almost 6 years of being a mother my house is still dirty and messy. I have been told I should just let it go because that's the way it is with children. You will never sleep again, you will get worry wrinkles and your house will never be clean again but it's all worth it. So it's worth it and sometimes I wonder if these other mothers are only kidding themselves because being glued to your table by sticky fingers isn't my idea of worth it or being puked on, or laying in an uncomfortable position when your child is sick is really worth it to be a mother. It's all the great life challenges that are worth it that brings joy to my child's face is worth it.

Standing out in the cold waiting for the school bus isn't worth the joy in motherhood but it's a joy when the bus comes and your child bounces off the bus running into your arms because they miss you is worth being a mother. Those are memories that keep me from running out the door because as much as my kids can be difficult, never listen to me or annoying the crap out of me they are still apart of me and their cuteness always reminds me of why I wanted to be a mother. Take care, Peace!!

Too Busy

I have been so busy I haven't had time to express my thoughts. Life is running away from me I just need time to just relax and relaxation I have been doing by going to bed right after my kids. I so need the rest. My weekends are non stop moving from morning to night and the weekdays have been a little bit busier with church obligations. It's so nice really because I don't have time to get stuck in my head with my negative thoughts of self sabotage of my blessed life.

I just want a simple life really. Simple yet fulfilling and happiness of my own making. Which reminds me sometime this week I have to talk about Change of Plans with Joe Flanigan. Oh my, I was giddy!! Take care, Peace!!

My goals for 2011

So this is a new year and I thought about what I want this year to be about which is...love and knowledge. That's about it. Nothing special, nothing dramatic just what it is. I read a lot last year and I want to read even more this year. I can't get enough reading my books. I also want less pity parties and more giving of one self, feeling god's love and expressing love I can give. I want my journey to be inspirational and enjoy my growing as a person.

If I fail, I will pick myself back up and keep trying. Happy Thanksgiving!!