Thank God for the people in my life who love me for me. I get up in the morning feeling less than I should and when the world points fingers at me saying I'm not good enough I can lean on the one who loves me the most in this world and it's my husband. He can frustrate the hell out of me but I know at the end of the day he loves me.
I know I have frustrated the hell out of him too many times over and I know that he's there for me like Jesus is there for me.
I know things happen for a reason, I know life disappointments are lessons to be learned but it still sucks at times and just because something doesn't work in my favor doesn't mean I'm going to be happy about it.
So I've been in a funk for along time and over time I thought I might be bi-polar because another thing that's been drilled into my head since I was little is I have mental health issues that run in my biological families history with alcoholism and drug addiction. Most of my life I felt like my parents were looking at me through a mirrored glass waiting for me to fuck up so they could say I told you so.
Little did they know I had a problem with alcohol and drugs so maybe they were right on that end of things but maybe I was so screwed up by their parenting I ran to the very thing they told me I shouldn't do because I just needed to self destruct so I could forget the very thing I was running from.
Sure I have addiction tendencies and I've come to realize their are things I should just stay away from but that's totally different than saying when you grow up your going to become an alcoholic and a druggie.
I want to live clean and I want a simple life. My husband keeps telling me to let things go but when I think I can finally let go something gets shoved back into my life and it's hard again. Sometimes past pain just sits there and the brokenness lingers and I think I'm working to move forward but when life gets in the way I realized I'm just that little broken child just wanting someone to truly see me for me.
This year I made an effort to open up more about myself and my past. I thought if I talked about it I could be more open about my life but then I got shot down and it rocked my world not in a good way. I don't know if I could be so open about myself like that again. I'm not the opening type who tells the world about my pain. I'm not that kind of person to just talk more about myself. I know I do just that on this blog but I'm not seeing any one of you on a regular basis.
I stepped out of my comfort zone because that's what I thought I was supposed to do and now it's not right. I'm on the wrong page of my life and I need to take a step back to go back to being myself again.
I am the shy, awkward and sarcastic girl who loves life, who cares way too much for people and loves to giggle. That's me and I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not just to fit in any longer. I'm tired of all the bullshit, the stresses of being thin, the idea I'm supposed to be a "label" Societies Pressure people to be in.
I want to be a great wife to my husband because I love him and I do things for him because I want too not because I'm supposed too. I want to be a great mother because I love my kids and I stay home with them because my Husband and I made a decision we felt benefited our family. I don't stay home with them because it's expected of me because I wanted to be a stay at home mother. I choose my life because it's what makes me feel fulfilled. It's what makes me happy to be a wife and mother. Nothing makes me more happy then loving my family.
My life struggles when I feel pressured into being someone I'm not. My life feels like it's falling apart when I step out of my comfort zone and show apart of my being that is broken. I know I'm broken and I know what I need to do. God loves me for me and I know someday I will look back on my life and see the purpose of it all. I may not feel worthy of this life but it's my life with dysfunction and all. Take care, Peace!!!
