This is for my Dad!

Dear Dad,

This letter has been along time coming and for the last couple of months it's been a focus on my heart to reach out and say something. I know when I walked out of your life the summer of 2001 I knew my life would be different. I chose to end a relationship with my father and it hurt me deeply because I lost you as my Dad. I walked away for a life I knew I deserved but didn't know if I was truly worthy of it.

I had to save myself from the hurt, the pain and the feeling that I was chancing a dream that I would never get from you. It needed to end, the abuse and the struggle by the lack of emotional emptiness I was getting from you. All I ever wanted was to be loved by you like one's father loves his daughter. For that reason, I had to say goodbye.

When I left your life I was emotionally broken and I had to learn to live without you.  I had to look at my life differently and when people asked about you it was difficult to explain I have a Father but he's not in my life anymore.

This morning my prayer was answered and I was given words to express my longing to communicate with you. By words of faith that Jesus lives in me and through his grace I'm forgiving you and love you just how Jesus loves me and has forgiving me of my sins.  1John 4:10-12 This is Love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

The love of God changes people and he is changing me and I know that I'm a princess/daughter of the Highest King like you are a prince/son of the same Highest King. Hebrews 12:2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter, of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I found my life in Jesus and I embraced his open arms and through his transformation of my heart I know I'm worthy.  I also know through Jesus I Am God-Designed, Purpose-Intended, Significant, Lavishly-Loved, Princess/Daughter of the King of the Universe.

This is for God's glory and I'm praising him for giving me the strength to be set free from the chains I put within my heart that bound me up by the notion of rejection by you.  I truly love you and you may not be in my life any longer but I hope you have a great life and you find peace within you.

Much Love,

Darlene

It's just how it is!!

No matter how hard I try to live a healthy lifestyle I have to realize I have underlining medical issues ever so often I land my sick butt in the Emergency Room. Yesterday was one of those days and my arms from my pneumonia last year had wrecked havoc to my veins in my arms so it's hard for the RN's to find any good veins to hook me up to an IV. Let's just say I tried not to tell the RN off but I was good and just smiled even though I was screaming inside.

Yesterday's trip wasn't too serious but it was enough I needed some tweaking to get me back up on my feet. After a few hours and some orange juice later I was sent on my merry way with good health and some drugs. The good part of the trip was my anemia is back to before pneumonia and almost anemic free. I say high five because I've been working on getting my red blood cells back up to where I can function during the day for over a year and it was hard work.

This time around my body rejected medications and turned my body inside out and I was back onto a vomit schedule I couldn't control. Lets just say my body freaks out on me when it doesn't agree to what I'm giving it. I find it's cool my body doesn't like prescription drugs but it's not cool when it goes so out of whack I'm going to the Emergency Room.

I've been balancing my diabeties, anemia, and Orthostatic hypotension by vitamins and diet. It's been helping me get back to where life is doing good. I just have to figure out how to keep myself out of the emergency room but that's a balancing act I'm going to have to figure out in time. Cheers to good looking male RN's...Take care, Peace!!!

Going back to Basics!

I think I'm going to take a mental break for a while. I need a Jesus Break and in saying that I'm going to immerse myself in Music. Music is my life and when life feels like pressure I forget how it feels just to listen to the world through Music.

So I'm gonna make a playlist of all my favorite Christian Music and keep playing it on repeat until I feel a little whole again.

This is our God-Hillsong

Forever Reign-Hillsong

Glory of it all-David Crowder Band

10,000 Reasons(Bless the Lord)-Matt Redman

Lord of Lords-Hillsong

How great is our God-Chris Tomlin

Blessings-Laura Story

Your love never Fails-Jesus Culture

Surrender-Lincoln Brewster

Those are some of the songs I can think of while I sit here. I'm sure there are many more songs that would make an awesome song list. I need to be spiritually fed right now and you can't do wrong with some of the great Christian Singers out right now.

I don't know why I stop listening to music when life feels like crushing my soul. Actually I do know but I would rather not write how I feel about evil within the world. I don't want to shine light on something that's not worth the words that I write.

I need to express the love of our father and through music I can worship him for loving me.  At times, I confuse where the focus should be on. Jesus died because he loved us all. It's true when you accept Jesus into your heart you will never be the same because I felt it and now accepting what that truly means it's hard wrapping you mind behind how you can truly be loved so greater than God loves you, it's like wow and at the same time hard to understand how deep that truly goes.

People may think I have lost my mind and knowing Jesus is alive within me and when comfort is needed, it's so nice to feel like he came to rescue me here on Earth so I could live. That's the most comfort I have gotten in along time. It's a nice feeling when times are hard knowing you are loved for who you are when the world is making it impossible to love one another. That is awesome.

I searched and I found. Take care, Peace!

Searching for New Meaning!!

Finding a sense of peace within this world is harder than I thought. I've been wanting a new sense of peace within my life for a very long time and when I was a kid I just wanted to be loved. I don't know about you but I've always wanted to belong. I wanted to feel like I was accepted somewhere and not felt like I was the odd person out in left field all by myself alone and feeling rejected.

So I went searching and I found Jesus. Feeling like I've been bi-polar for the last year and a half has been a rough ride for me. Living within my brokenness and understanding who I am and accepting I can be forgiven, understand I am loved has been difficult to accept in a way I can't truly understand.

It's been a journey of self discovery. The saying God's not going to give you trials and tribulations you can't handle to me is cruel and unnecessary punishment. I would have to say I've had my share of trials in my life and I would have to say I couldn't handle any of them. I managed to survive and I've been knocked down many of times to where I could barely pick myself up off the ground to where I just want to give up because I hurt so bad. So if God is doing this to make me grow as a person because he has a plan for me then that's not love. I don't think bringing me to the brink of struggle to see where I crack is not love. That's the Devil's work.

God does have a plan for me and I have purpose but it's not bringing me down a peg, he's teaching me strength from the destruction in the world that I can love people within the chaos. I'm learning where I stand and who I am in the body of Christ and it's been a hard and difficult struggle so far. The strength within my being to keep me going forward and carrying me through has been a challenge. It's like seeing the greatest prize and to get to it you have to climb the tallest mountain in the bitter cold with no protective gear and hope you don't die before you get there.

I just need to find the confidence to stand up within my brokenness and not allow the darkness of the world to swallow me up. It's not easy but remembering the reason why God sent Jesus into the world gives me a better understanding that Life is so much bigger than me.  Take care, Peace!!