My Bible and me!!

I believe any one's faith is their personal journey. My journey with God started a few years ago. Sure I have beliefs but the more I study the bible and read about Jesus it makes me feel like I have more of an understand about life. I always believed in a higher power but I never reached out and tried to learn more. It was a part of my life and was just there but I never cared or wanted to learn more about the bible or God. I actually turned away from God when I was a teenager. I didn't understand why he would allow me to be in a position of abuse and personal pain. I gave up on him for guideness into my life. I really reached out to God during my daughters pregnancy. She too me was a miracle child and under science shouldn't have been born healthy but she did and she was my gift from God and the same way with my son. With all my medical problems carrying him he also came out healthy. Sometimes God shows up in the little things and it's up to us to accept them or not. I wouldn't call myself born again as some call it. The only way I think you can be born again Christian for example if you walked away from the church and then came back again. I think I was always aware I had faith more to Christain teaches them other religious institutions but never cared to learn more then wait I just believed in my heart. I always prayed but the last few years I've wanted to learn more of bible teaches. I find reading passages in the bible fascinating and I haven't really changed my lifestyle from after I started reading and doing bible study.

Sleep..I want some of that!!!

My family got hit with some sickness last week. Could it be this piggy flu? I don't know but it sure bite us all in the ass and what's so weird is we all were affected differently. The latest is our little boy. He decided to power puke most of yesterday afternoon and cleaning up a cranky two year old is like scratching your fingernails down a chalk board. I'm a paranoid mother and we had baby monitor's in our kids rooms even though they really don't need to have them in there but I need to feel secure that my children are fine while I'm sleeping and to keep tabs on them at night but a few weeks ago both baby monitor's decided not to work anymore. That's fine the decision was made for me to get over my fear and let them be. Yesterday even though I knew my little boy was sick I decided to let him sleep in his own room for nap time. Why wouldn't he want to sleep in his own bed? I figured he would be fine in there and he's a sleeper so I wasn't worried to much but when I went to get him up I realized he power puked all over his carpeted bedroom floor and all over his bed. Bad mommy is how I felt. If I only had that baby monitor!!! My poor little boy was alone with no one to comfort him in his time of sickness. As the paranoid mother that I am and to feel like I'm getting back into the good graces I decided to sleep with him last night so if he got sick again I'll be there. Well I managed to sneak in his room without waking him up climbed into his bed and fell asleep. Then it felt like I just went to bed and the boy informed me he had a poo in his pull up. So we got up and went downstairs and I couldn't figure out why he was walking so weird in my not so awake state until I opened that sucker up and an explosion of poo was everywhere. I just happened to look at the clock and it was 4:30am. That's fine because he needed that nastiness of a pull up changed but not like me who could easily go back to bed the son felt it was time to start his day so here the both of us are up in the middle of the night watching the Disney Channel and eating fish crackers. Go mommy!!!!! Where's my coffee? Take care, Peace!!!!

He reads this blog!!!

I was very surprised when my hubby told me he read my blog. I was looking at my sitmeter the other day and once in awhile my sitmeter doesn't block my own cookies and when I'm working on this blog it will log myself as a visitor. When this happens I have to destroy the cookie and get another one to block and I'm all fine again so here I was sitting there like come on, not again so here I was talking to the hubby about my frustration and he told me he reads my blog. I think I was in shock. I have to admit I was really surprised and more like that's cool. It makes me happy he comes here for a read. I don't know why he wouldn't but we talk all the time so it didn't occur to me he would come here and read what I wrote. He's been really supportive of this blog and knows all the hard topics I have talked about like I said if anyone wants to know more about me just read this blog so maybe he's likes to know what's in my head at times. It just makes me feel like our marriage is going to last for eternity and I may not thank him all the time but he really gets me and I don't feel like I have to be someone I'm not. He loves me for who I am the good, bad and the ugly. I enjoy writing and I enjoy the process because most of the time I don't know what to write about so I pick something in my head and I go with it. Whatever comes out I write and most of the time I'll re-read what I wrote and add more stuff but I haven't deleted anything because I have this blog as adult content so I feel good enough to let it be. My writing is my thoughts at the time and I've gone back to read some of the stuff I wrote and I even can't believe I pressed the send button on some of that stuff. It's like why on heaven's earth did I allow myself to write about that or maybe I should have wrote more about that topic. I can even surprise myself at times how far I allow myself to go. I don't get much visitor's and I'm sure I could do something about that but I don't. I'm not here to be popular but I'm pleased for the people who do come here and read what I have to say. Some of the entries I have on particular people like Joe Flanigan gets good hits. Ha!! Who can blame people, the guy is hot. My obsession of the guy is funny. I have a story about him but I'm not going to talk about it. Karma bit me in the butt about that one so I'll keep it between me and my hubby. That's my secret I only shared with only a select few. It's nothing illegal so nothing to worry about. I'm just smarter than I believe to be and I haven't figured out if that's a good thing or not. So I'm actually happy my hubby wants to know what I write and supports me on this. Thanks so much the best hubby in the world. I want to do you proud. Take care, Peace!!!

All I need is Music!!!

I sure love listening to music. Know matter what's going on in my life I can listen to music and everything seems like all the pressure of life just makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. Lately I've been putting more music into my life. I don't know why I go though days without listening to some form of music. My kids love listening to music with me. I tell them to just move with the songs and sometimes we just dance and move with the melody. We might go to see The Imagination Movers in Concert in December. I hope we can make that work but it's so close to Christmas so we'll have to see. I'm also planning the family vacation trip for next summer and I'm so hoping for Canada. I haven't been back for so many years. I miss my family and that's the one sad thing about moving away from my family and friends is I never get to see them. I just have to understand I moved away for love. It sure makes me sad though no matter how I try to make myself feel better about moving away. The family(friends who became my family) was there for me when I needed a rock and an anchor in my darkest times and I appreciate the love and support. How crazy it must of been like to let me go like that but that's what I needed at the time. Looking back now, it was the best thing I needed to do for myself. Wow, it's been 11 years since the hubby and I met in person. I was a 23 year old University Student working at a Hotel just decided to buy a plane ticket and go after my destiny. I could have been just a little crazy but I did it and it's apart of my history. It's crazy how life happens sometimes and now I'm listening to music remembering all my crazy times, stupid things I've done and all the wonderful moments of my life like giving birth to my two children. I sure lived a wild life. I remember a time when Dirty Dancing was so popular and it was the summer before the 7th or 8th grade. Was I 12 or 13? I can't remember but anyway Dirty Dancing was popular and my friends would sing and dance from the soundtrack for hours. I remember my parents wouldn't let me listen to certain music(everything that was there kind of music) which was everything popular and I would put headphones on and I had this crappy music player but I would get this radio station from Boston and I could only get it at night and it was like the top 100 songs or something like that. I felt like a rebel doing something I wasn't allowed doing but when I heard my mother doing laundry I would put something else on so she wouldn't catch me listening to something I wasn't supposed too. That sounds so crazy but you would have to know how my mother was at the time. She wasn't all that nice of a person to me back then. She had to control everything but she tried so hard with me but I fought her hard and I just learned how to be sneaky, secretive and closed down when I was around my mother. I wished many nights of why I was adopted and if I could have another mother but that's what happens when you're living with an alcoholic. My mother denies to this day she was a bad mother but when you're being controlled my alcohol you most likely don't remember half the shit you did. I fought hard to stay clean and my wake up call was when I broke my arm to realized I had a problem back in 2003. I didn't want to end up being like my mother. I'm almost 35 years old and I feel like I've already lived a lifetime. My kids lives are going to be different then my childhood. I would be happy if they learned of my life but only experience maybe a quarter of it. I did have great moments in my life especially with friends. Wild times!!! Never forget about your past but live in the present and work towards the future. Take care, Peace!!!!

Depression is beneath me!!!!

I swear I get paranoid about Depression because I've been told it's in my DNA and I have family history of depression so it's like I'm always looking out for the signs of depression. It's like I doubt myself thinking maybe I am depressed but I really don't know. The doctor's were concerned after giving birth to my first child I would have serious post-partum depression but I didn't. I think I fought so hard to have my daughter I wouldn't let myself not bond with my daughter. It's wasn't an option for me. I do know I get a little blue in the fall and it could be a mild depression but it also could be my allergies get really bad in the fall, the weather could be a factor but it's not like hey, I may have a problem I should go see a Doctor and be put on drugs. I've tried anti-depressants before not for depression but for my eating disorder and hey, my body did NOT like those pills. Talk about Depression. I think I was more messed up on anti-depression drugs then before I took them. A drug to change the chemistry in your brain to me doesn't seem good. I'm not an advocate for drugs but hey, if they help other people then that's great for them but not for me, I didn't feel normal on them. You would think they were supposed to help but I was a numb shadow of my formal self and no, I didn't think they helped me. I managed to get though 4 years of therapy without drugs because I feel like drugs only mask the problems and I wanted to deal with my post traumatic life head on and work through it and I felt drugs wouldn't help me work through all that mess I called my life. I'm so self aware of depression I think I may push myself towards depression because I'm so freaked I may get it. It's like this doom I have over my head. Then I think okay, I may get depression and is it really the end of my life? I may never get depression on the fact I'm so worried I may get depressed. Sure I get sad and it's normal to be sad at times but my life doesn't stop when I get sad. I just listen to some music and cry my heart out and then I'm all fine again. This time a year I think about depression more because I do get blue feeling. I'm not as social and I tend to keep to myself but like I said it's the time of year. I don't feel so good this time a year with my allergies and other factors so of course, I just want to be a hermit for a month or so but it's not like I lock myself in a hole and just give up on living. Okay, sometimes I want to do that when the kids are screaming and running around and my head wants to explode from all the loud noise. Being serious again. I think I'll be okay and maybe it's a good thing I'm paranoid and I'm more aware of depression so if my life starts to slide downhill I'll have enough smarts to get myself help. Until then I'm just paranoid. Take care, Peace!!!

7 Years ago!!

Wow, last Sunday was my hubbies and my 7 year wedding anniversary. We should have been in Reno but that's life. Instead we took the kids to Dairy Queen and just hung out at home. 7 years ago was a wild time for us. I just got back from a 51 day stay in Canada finishing up my paperwork to become an legal alien resident of the United States of America and I had to get married in a 90 day period once I arrived in the USA or my visa would expire so 3 weeks later my soon to be hubby and his parents and I rented a Toyota Camry and drove to Reno, Nevada to get married. I don't think we ever had a plan really but drive to Reno and get married and I didn't expect much but to have a good time. I'm sure if we had planned it right we would have put our trip off for 2 weeks so we could have gone to hear Jouney in Concert while we were in Reno. Who knew but maybe it was a good thing because we almost didn't make it to Reno. The highway going over the mountains near Shasta closed after we got through and I mean just nearly getting through because my father-in-law had to walk in front of the car to see where the road was because of the massive snow storm in the mountains. It was crazy scary but we made it to the Sands Casino like 6am in the morning and we were all dead tired. The day we got married I didn't know what I wanted to do with my hair and lucky for me they had a hair salon in the casino and I got my hair done professionally. It was perfect. I didn't have a wedding band so I went to the gift shop and bought a $2 mood ring. I couldn't have asked for a better day even though it was raining like mad. I don't know if you have seen the movie The Princess Bride but our minister sounded just like the minister in that movie. The hubby and I were trying not to laugh. After we got married we were like now what and we went back to the Casino and because we got married on a Friday it was Karaoke night. Our song would be forever Elvis Presley: Can't help falling in love. Some dude sang that for us and we danced to it. I would have preferred Aerosmith: I don't wanna miss a thing but everything can't be perfect. That night we also went over to the Atlantis Reno and Resort and fell in love with the place. We go to Reno whenever we can and stay at the Atlantis. That's our place!!!! 7 years have been a wild ride for my hubby and I. Take care, Peace!!

times stands still!!!

This past weekend was just a blast. The son was too cute doing the whole trick or treating. His speech therapy is doing some wonders. This August after his surgery he's doing leaps and bounds with his sounds. He's having problems with his "a" vowel but his e, i, o, u vowel's are coming along great. So when him and his sister went to the first house I heard him say Yum Yum's. He did that to each and every house we went to. So cute. So Sunday rolled around and I was too tired to do anything so I figured I would start a new book. I love reading and it's a good escape from the world for awhile. I figured I would read The Host by Stephenie Meyer. I sure loved the Twilight Saga so I figured I would check out her other book. I would have to say the whole body snatcher idea has been over done but I liked her take on it. I finished the book this morning and I enjoyed it greatly. I'm glad I go on my daughter's schedule or I wouldn't know what day it would be. I started the book Sunday and now it's Wednesday and where did the time go. I just got wrapped up into the story I couldn't put it down. I watched V last night and afterward I figured I would read for awhile and then go to bed early. The hubby says "Oh shit it's 1:oo am" and I was like WHAT? The hours didn't seem to go that fast while I was reading this book. So I forced myself to put the book down and go get some sleep. I hate having to put a book down when the story gets good because I'm nosy and have to know what happens but it was 1am and I needed to get some sleep. Wednesdays are my long and hard days feeling like a single parent. Tomorrow is our family vacation. The hubby has a week off starting tomorrow and I'm so loving it. I told him I'm going to get as much rest as I can. I hope the house doesn't implode because I decided to sleep in a few extra hours. Lots to do this week and then on Sunday something special is happening. Love life...Take care, Peace!!!