I'll always will remember you!!

I'm having a rough morning like I woke up cranky, moody and sleep deprived. I have so much guilt in my heart this past month. My younger sister 5 years ago passed away from an overdose. She overdosed off of Meth and I couldn't save her. Mind you we lived thousands of miles apart but still we talked all the time on the phone and through email. I didn't grow up with my sister because I was adopted but over the years before her death we got close. She was struggling with life and we had long talks on the phone into the night. I was an ear and shoulder she could talk about her life and where she wanted to go. I cared and loved her like we've known each other our entire lives. It was a hard time for me when she died. I was emotional with joy of having my daughter to saying goodbye to my sister. The month of April 5 years ago was hard for me. The reason I feel guilty about her death is I feel like I should have done more. My words weren't enough to save her. I wanted to be there for her and I feel like I failed as a big sister. My sister was confused and I thought she was doing good until the near end she felt doing drugs was her answer to her problems. Life was just too hard for her and my support wasn't enough to keep her safe and for her to make the right choices to stay away from the drugs. It breaks my heart to know end. I miss her laugh, I miss talking to her. The last time I talked to her I was telling her how her little niece was doing. I was telling her it was safe to have a baby when you're a diabetic. My sister wanted a baby and we would talk long hours about babies and her dreams of becoming a mother. She just didn't get the chance to and her life ended to short. I can't talk anymore the pain of her death is too much for me right now. I'll always remember you my angel in heaven. Take care, Peace!!

Happy Birthday my little Buddy!!

My little boy is 3 years old today!! I'm so proud of my little buddy. He's a sweet and sensitive little boy with a loving heart. I'm so blessed to be his mother. Sometimes I feel so guilty being sick with low energy. I want to give both my kids the world. I wish I could take them to the park all the time but I'm limited in what I can do. My son has only known me sick. It breaks my heart some days because I know I can't do anything about it but I try to give them what I can. I try because I know that's all I can give them. Today was a wonderful day. We had a birthday party for our daughter with her school friends this morning and this evening we went out and celebrated our son's birthday. It was an overall great fun day. I'm so blessed for my family!! Happy Birthday little boy and Mommy loves you!! Take care, Peace!!

It's time to Party!!!

Finally the cake hassle is over. The hubby and I figured out the whole Princess and the Frog cake problem. I seriously was getting a little worried this evening because we couldn't figure out what to do and the daughter really wanted a Princess and the Frog cake. She didn't want Dora, Tinker Bell, Hannah Montana, or a Princess Party. It had to be Princess and the Frog. It had to be this cake and the oh mommy, I really have to have a Princess and the Frog cake. My 5 year old is stubborn and dramatic like me and the devastation and the end of the world if she didn't have this kind of cake and so you can tell we couldn't disappoint her. Her first birthday was a big deal and her cousins came but since her first birthday her cousins rarely came to her birthday parties so this year we decided to invite her pre-school friends and spend a ridiculous amount of money so she can have a great birthday. So my area of town stores don't make a Princess and the Frog cake. I can't believe finding a simple cake could use up so much energy but we figured it out and in my daughters eyes we are her hero's. We ordered a purple cake with Happy Birthday on it and after running around town searching for a solution we bought a Princess and the Frog musical toy set as the decals for the cake. I can't believe finding Princess and the Frog of anything beside the barbie style doll would be so hard to find but it exhausting. It was hard and I kind of was worried. It's like the stores in my area don't carry this Princess. We didn't expect to spend all this money but we're fools. We're fools to spend so much money on a hour and half party. We're just crazy but she's our little girl and she only turns 5 once. Okay, she's already 5 but to her this is a huge deal and we wanted to give her a special birthday. We think she's worth it!! So Saturday is going to be a crazy day because "us" parents decided to plan a 5th birthday party for our daughter on the same day our son turns 3. Yes, we have lost our minds to schedule two parties on one day. I call it a brain fart but our schedule worked out this way. So in the morning we're hosting a birthday with a bunch of 4 and 5 years old and then coming home with two sugared up kids and then in the evening celebrating my son's 3rd birthday. Our house is going to be crazy with two kids jacked up on sugar. What was I thinking? and I don't think I was thinking but it's our kids. I love my kids so "us" parents do weird and silly stuff like planning two parties on one day. I'm sure my house is going to be one messed up place. I may need a vacation after this weekend. Oh my, crazy!!! 10 years ago if someone asked me if I would do this I would laugh in their faces because it's not normal but then again I do crazy stuff. Take care, Peace!!

The Grand Cake Hunt!!

I don't get why it's so hard finding a store that makes a Princess and the Frog cake. I've been Googling stores online to see who makes this particular cake. All the places that I know around my area who supposed to make this cake don't. Why advertise that you make this cake online but in your stores you don't make it? WHY?????? I may have to get creative not like I'm not creative but my daughter will get her Princess and the Frog cake if it kills me. A mother has to do what a mother has to do. Oh my, and why is it I always wait until the last minute to do anything?..hum... My hubby calls this Murphy's Law and after my daughter's party is over all the stores will start carrying this cake. Figures!!Take care, Peace!!

Beautiful Day for a walk!!

My Son had his first day of school today. The daughter and I decided to walk the path of Nike Headquarters while he was in class.(Picture shown above is Nike) This picture doesn't do this place any justice. It's so nice and beautiful. We just decided to check out the paths surrounding this campus. We stopped and watched the ducks, went over bridges, and under tree covered paths. Don't tell anyone but my daughter even had her first pee break in the woods!! I'm going to take pictures next week because it's so beautiful. Why I never went to Nike before.....I just don't know!! Take care, Peace!!

Someone wanted to know!!

So I got an email the other day and I meant to write an entry on it that day but I lost track of time until now. Sorry anonymous I forgot to respond. This person wanted to know how my eating disorder is doing. Well, it's good and at times not so good. It's a daily struggle and I won't lie. I have days where I just wish I didn't have those underlining thoughts of self destruction. It's easy to just fall down and allow my demons to just take over. My thoughts sometimes are just not good for me. I call them my insecurities. I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, I could lose more weight, and so on and so on. It's a nightmare but I stop myself from going down this road by understanding I can't for my kids. I can't lay down and die especially because of my daughter. I hope she never has to deal with this disease and I don't ever want her to go down this path because of actions I have shown her. How devastated I would be if she went down this road because she learned it from me. I get so upset just thinking about the horror it would shatter my soul to know I caused her to feel she needed to do drastic behavior because of me. Brings me to tears just thinking about it. I'll do anything and work hard to fight my demons from my own eating disorder so I don't show her bad behavior and think that's what girls should do. Never!!! This is why I have to not allow my eating disorder to control me for the sake of my daughter!!!! She deserves better!!! It's a form of control I deal with on a daily basis and most days I'm cool. It's freshening not to have a thought or a trigger take over my thoughts and I'm like this is nice but there are days where life is tough and I got to control it somehow so my anxieties can calm down. I'm not on medications for anxiety but sometimes I just want to run to my doctor so I wouldn't have to feel anything but really, that won't help deal with the thought of why I feel so out of control. It's better to deal with the feeling and find a solution and keep moving forward. I'm not saying it's easy and celebrities say they are ED free are only kidding you. You can have a normal life with an eating disorder but it's making sure you are living a healthy life but you never really get over it. Anything and I mean anything can trigger a mishap with an eating disorder. Like I know when I eat too much for dinner the first thought is I should go and purge a little and that might make me feel a little better or their is a function in a week so if I cut back on my food I just may fit into the outfit just a little better. All kinds of situations you have to be careful about and be aware of so those insecurities don't lead you down the dark path your eating disorder wants you to go down. It's a very scary place and really it's my safety net as I have no where to purge. I'm a stay at home mother, I'm with my kids majority of the time and they never let me close the bathroom door so for me it's like a scared tactic to not let them see me with my head in the toilet unless I'm really sick. So I gave myself an excuse on not to throw up in the toilet. I can't over eat because I have no where to purge it because my kids could see me so I don't over eat. It works, whatever gets you though the day on the good side who cares how you manage to do it. I want to be a good example to my kids and my motivation is I don't want them to see me struggle with this disease. I'm healing and I'll keep healing on good days and the bad but I know I'm doing my best I can. Take care, Peace!!

Growing means starting school!!

Wow, two big leaps for my kids this week. I'm getting the papers to register the daughter for Kinder garden in the fall 2010 school year and the son starts his Early Intervention Speech Therapy school this coming Tuesday. The son will go to this school until he starts pre-school. Their School careers are on their way!!! My hubby and I started laughing we'll also be going back to school just to help out with the kids homework. We'll have to read a head in the kids text books just so we look smart to the kids..ha ha!! If they only knew!!! At least, we'll have the use of the Internet so the kids can look stuff up if we can't seem to understand something. I'm not so worried about their reading. I read books all the time and they have a library of books for them at home. We have books!!! I do want my kids to learn to grow up to be independent thinkers to hear both sides of the story and make up what they believe in. I want them to learn if they work hard they too can earn achievement. I really don't get the "we don't want anyone to feel left out and feel bad kind of thinking". Giving everyone a medal just for participating is only hindering the minds of the youth. The person who comes in first who worked hard to be first should get the award and the others..well try harder and next time you may come in first. There isn't any goal to strive to work hard. It's not giving the kids a goal to strive to do the best they can because they're going to get a medal anyway. I'm 35 years old so I could just be old school!! Who knows, maybe when my kids are getting ribbons, trophies, medals for participating I could change my tune. I probably send those trophies, medals and ribbons back to school because they are cluttering my house. I guess I'll have to wait and see how that way of teaching the youth of tomorrow really works. I just know not earning a trophy didn't hurt my ego or feelings as a kid. I just congratulated the person who did and then worked harder myself. I guess what I'm ranting about is I want to teach my kids they're not always going to come in first but if they work as hard as they are capable of then that's what matters. Be the best you can!! Take care, Peace!!

World has gone crazy!!

Man, what is going on in this country and this world?......I have lots to say but can't seem to get it all out. I could be frustrated, worried, a little scared for my children's future or just completely insane. Okay, I've always said I was insane so that can't be it. I just don't know anymore and maybe I do know and that's what's so scary. Every time I watch the news it's something bad or you get a little glimpse of hope when a father jumps into a river to rescue his two year old daughter. Yes, have hope!! Have hope in a world with natural disasters, murders, religious child abuse, wars, and so on and so on. It gets down right depressing. I try not to read the news but then you have to try to be informed on what's going on in the world. Where is the balance? I don't really want to hear about murder, death, kill and yes I just quoted from the movie Demolition Man. I also can quote Transformers with "you have to ask yourself..what would Jesus do?" Really, come on...if only life was that simple. What would Jesus do? Take care, Peace!!