It's the time of my Blue Season!!

I feel guilty for being frustrated. I feel overwhelmed my house is in crazy chaos and I can't seem to get ahead. I'm starting to not like our stuff. We have too much stuff and I wish it to be gone. It's not like we need all this stuff. Things are piling up around me and I just can't control this anxiety and it's not like I have help in organizing it. Sometimes I just wonder why I even bother picking up and putting anything a way. I will spend most of my day here and there putting things a way and then later it looks like I haven't done anything. It's hard work for me but do my family care I'm using up the energy I have and I could easily be doing other things I enjoy then cleaning up after them. I want to have a nice home I'm proud to invite people over and right now I feel like I'm living in slob town. I really can't stand living this way. I have all these feelings and then I feel guilty for feeling this way. I should be grateful, I should feel blessed to have all this stuff and it makes for a never ending feeling of shame, guilt and frustration.

This isn't what I want. I wish I could rent a huge garbage bin and start getting rid of 3/4 of all this stuff we have accumulated over the years and my husband doesn't like throwing things out and I want to get rid of everything except all the things we cherish the most. I don't cherish a lot of things we have and it's just here surrounding my space. I don't like clutter and I can only handle so much before my space feels over crowded. I don't like feeling overly crowded. I like openess and I like walking into my space and everything in the room to have it's own space organized and clean. I don't live that way. I just want my home to give me peace. I want to be able to relax instead of seeing all the clutter and all the mess. I wish would be walking into my home and feel good being home. I want to feel good in my home. I cry!!

I got to do something to make me feel better and maybe it's just the time of year I feel like I'm suck in a box and can't get out. I feel awful and I just want to cry all the time and I don't enjoy anything and things that once gave me joy doesn't seem to make me feel any better because it just makes me feel guilty for feeling ungrateful and selfish.

I've tried everything I can to curb my anxiety over my house. I do better when I'm not in it but I feel let down when I come home because the same clutter, the same mess, the same feeling knowing I have to clean it just makes me want to turn around and leave. My home is my home and I want to love my house, I want to feel at peace when I'm home but I can't escape it. My master bedroom once used to make me feel at peace but right now it's storage of unused kids baby toys, baby clothes and other papers and such that doesn't have a place in the rest of the house. I just need to escape this clutter sometimes. Life is too much when you have no where to go. Take care, Peace!!

Good dose of Reality!!

My heart got a workout Monday morning and I'm hoping never have to go through that again in my lifetime. Our Monday started off like any Monday getting up at 7am to get the daughter ready for school. I woke up feeling not so hot like I was coming down with something or had something like a cold, infection, or flu and I new it could mean along day. We decided our daughter needed to have some more independence so last week while her grandmother was watching the kids while we were away would dropped my daughter off at the front door of her school and she would walk to class. When we got back from our trip her father kept it up and dropped her off in front of the school and she promised she would walk straight to her class.

So Monday was like any other. Her father dropped her off in front of the school and watched her go into the building and then he came home because I wasn't feeling well. 10am the phone rings and an automatic message from my daughters school saying she was absent from school. I think I about threw up. I told my husband to drive to the school and told him the school said she wasn't at school. My child wasn't at school. What happened to her? My husband saw her go into the school but she didn't arrive to her classroom. Where is she? I was in shock, I was panicked, I couldn't even cry and all I wanted was to hear good news. So while my husband was driving to the school I called the school to give the school the heads up he was on his way. Where is my daughter? Call 911!!!

The women on the phone said it was a clerical error and my daughter was at school but she got a tardy slip and because they were short staffed she got put on the absent list and that's why we got the automatic message. I was so relieved I couldn't even get mad. My daughter was safe at school in her class where she was supposed to be. When my husband got to my daughters school he checked in on her class and sure enough she was at her desk doing her work.

So this morning my husband walked her to the front door and watched her walk to her class but then she went to the cafeteria instead. That's why she was late for class on Monday. So he went in and walked her to her class. Her word "I promise to walk straight to class" won't work anymore so here we are going to walk her to class and deal with her independence another time.

I never want to get a message like that again from her school. My heart can't handle thinking my daughter went missing from school especially after a 7 year old boy went missing from one of our local elementary school last June. It's not something I want to hear from my daughters school that she didn't show up for school when she's supposed to be there. Take care, Peace!!

My vacation!!

Well I think I'm in love with the Atlantis in Reno.  http://www.atlantiscasino.com/   My husband and I just got back from an Awesome vacation to Reno to celebrate our 8 year wedding anniversary. The trip only lasted 3 days because that's all I can handle being away from my wild crazy beautiful kids. It was a much needed getaway and I so needed it.

On Monday morning we left for the airport around 5am. With all the horror surrounding the TSA agents and security when I went through was kinda boring but then again I only had a small purse with barely anything in it and I didn't have to take that much off to go through security. It was just me and my boarding pass with Identification. I always go light because I'm nice that way.

We ended up having breakfast at the Airport and I swear the lady gave me cream for my coffee because I'll just say this being Lactose Intolerant isn't fun when you travel and thank heavens for bathrooms...enough said and I can tell you this....I made my flight.

We got to Reno super early so our room wasn't ready. The weather was warm and sunny the whole time we were there. It's better than rain. The Room was beautiful and so big. I would post a picture of the room but I don't have mine developed yet and I could take one from the resorts website but I don't want to be sued. If you go to the Altantis Website you can see room photos. The rooms were so nice. In the afternoon we took a nap. How nice that was...so wonderful!! I did get kinda drunk Monday night with free drinks when you gamble. I had 4 corona's but it wasn't that kinda night where I had a date with the toilet. I just ended up sleeping good. I was a little green in the morning but you know it's all good!!

Tuesday we just got up when we got up which was nice. I didn't have to think about anyone but myself and for a mother that was pretty sweet. We ended up walking down to the Black Bear Diner http://www.blackbeardiner.com/ and the food was great and I had their Thick-Cut Smoked Bacon and Eggs...so good!! We even bought our kids some long johns there in the gift shop. After lunch we headed across the street to watch a movie. We went and saw Megamind in 3D. Our kids are a little too young for this movie so I'm glad we saw it first. 

We had some time before Dinner which we got reservations for the Bistro Napa for our Anniversary Dinner. The Bistro Napa is concerned Casual Fine-Dining.

Here's there write up :Winner of Wine Spectator's “Award of Excellence!”



Inspired by Napa Valley...great wine, cozy atmosphere, unique & delicious entrées. It's taking Reno places it's never been before. From wood-fired baby artichokes and Kurobuta pork chops to truffled potato chips and sesame hummus. We've stepped out of the expected and created the extraordinary. This is a dining experience you won't soon forget, combining fresh quality ingredients and culinary artistry with a 4,000 bottle wine cellar and you have the newest "It" place to dine in northern Nevada. Let our sommelier help you pair the perfect wine to complete your award-winning gourmet meal.

It was an experience I will never forget. The service was outstanding. We ordered the Bistro Cioppino-Spicy Tomato Saffron Broth, Fresh Fish, King Crab, Clams, Shrimp, Scallops and I'm not much of a seafood kinda gal but I also wanted to try something new and this sounded to die for. The saffron broth you could just eat alone with bread. Everything tasted fresh and melted in your mouth. I haven't had a meal like this EVER!! I felt pampered and I will never forget this dinner. I was blown away by the service, the food and the wonderful experience. If I can ever afford to eat there again I will.

My husband and I don't gamble to win so we gave ourselves a budget and just had a good time. We won some and we lost lots but it was enough to entertain ourselves while we were there. We kinda stayed up to late on Tuesday night by watching re-runs of CSI-NY but that's vacation for you.

Our last day we took our time checking out but we also had a few hours to kill before our flight home so we gambled some more and left feeling relaxed and refreshed. When we got to the airport our flight was delayed for an hour and there's not much you can do in Reno's airport then sit and gamble waiting for your flight. So we sat and gambled some more on the Sex and the City machine and we walked away with some easy money. The perfect way to end our trip.

I'm glad to be home with my kids and the flight home was a little turbulent and my brain likes to go places it shouldn't and my husband made a point by saying God wouldn't give us a good payday and then crash the plane. That would have been messed up!! Like.... You won big but sorry sucka's!!

Well I think I need to make this trip more often and this trip brought some perspective into my life because as I sometimes feel the pressures of "just being mom" I forget I deserve to have my relaxation to unwind and enjoy some time to do things for me and trips like this one was nice. I need to make this my priority to put aside money so my husband and I can keep the flames going in our marriage and I can just be me because I'll always be Mom but sometimes I just need to feel like I have an Identity too!!  Find what moves you!! Take care, Peace!!

Atlantis Casino Resort and Spa you rock and we will be back!!

Life is exploding!!

I'm at a crossroads in my life. I'm scared out of my mind. The fear of choosing which path to take and will I make the right choice. I haven't completely given my life to Christ and maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm just scared to completely let go of my control to a belief I know that's right. I feel like I'm being pulled in two different directions and the unknown is making me feel like a failure and defected.

I feel defected. There I said it. I lie to myself often like if I let that part of my being be honest it's like I'm a failure. I live to be positive. I want to inspire and to bring a new understanding of supporting one another of lifting people up who are lost so they too can see the world as good.

I know who I am. 10 years ago if you asked me who I was I probably would have said something generic because I really didn't know. My life is clear to me now. I know what I stand for yet at the same time I feel lost of where to go from here. Where am I supposed to belong?

I read the news and my heart is breaking with all this suffering in the world. Our legacy for the next Generation doesn't look great. We are a stepping stone for the next Generation neither to succeed or to fail. I want my children to succeed but how can we allow them to have the opportunities to grow as a Generation when we are planting the seeds for them to fail? We should be lifting each other up to give them the freedoms to carry on to their next Generations to further on in our humanity to be come greater than they are.

Why is selfishness being rewarded when charity is being victimized? We use charity to help our fellow man and we do it because it's the right thing to do. Feeling like charity is an obligation really diminishes the truth of true givings. It's not what's asked of us for what we do it's the compassion of loving someone for who they are and you want to help because you care. It's not because it's expected of you.

Our society rewards people who just want to take from people because they feel they deserve more. We all deserve more by our ability to accept each other of what we can give of ourselves to the good of humanity with our strength to lift up the lost, the weak and to raise children so they can do the same.  How can we grow in our humanity when people want to take more then they truly deserve by allowing people to suffer so they can have their human rights? We all deserve human rights. That's a given but not on the backs of our brothers and sisters to bring them down so they can raise themselves up. How does that help anyone? Why do we feel like it's something to acheive to pull people down just to make ourselves feel better?

I feel like I'm being pulled in a direction of my life where I'm scared to death. I have hope yet at the same time I feel like if I go towards this direction and down this path I'm being drawn too I will fail. I don't want to fail. I guess I need to have more faith in what's good. I have surrendered to what's good and my feeling of defect is sharing in my pain to the world to see we are all imperfect. We should have pride for who we are as humans. I'm proud to stand up for what's right and to defend what's right. Maybe I'm just conflicted because I know the path I'm supposed to go down and I'm just fighting it out of my own personal fear. Maybe I should just let go!!

I'm proud to be living today. Lets inspire each other to be great and lets support each other to lift each other up. Take care, Peace!!

In times of Crisis!!

I think my heart skipped a beat when my daughter all in a panic made me go out with my cold/flu feeling self to rush outside in our back yard because she needed help. Call 911..call 911. I thought she was dying...yes, I went there. I was like what's wrong?...is there any blood? Are you okay?

"No, mother you have to save the neighbour's cat. He's stuck up on the roof. We got to save him......mommy, he looks scared...you have to do something!!!"

I'm thinking oh jeez, jump down so I can go back inside where it's nice and warm.

Seriously, I love this cat to bits. He comes to visit us often and loves our backyard. We even named him Blackie well because he's black. It fits him and he's cute. So after my heart calmed down I took a picture.

I'm glad he jumped down and is safely on the ground because frankly I don't know if I could handle watching a cat up on the roof all night. Now my daughter is drawing pictures of her experience and I can go back to resting. Take care, Peace!!

Worry who needs that!!

Wow, my daughter got my gene to worry. I have to keep bringing her back to present every other day. Lets get through today first. It's good to plan ahead and you're only five years old and when you're 10 years old we'll deal with being 10 years old then. I know it's exciting to be in the second grade and that's cool and all but lets deal with everything now in Kindergarten first. Yes, on your next birthday you will be six years old but lets get through Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas first and then we can plan your birthday. I don't know who will be coming to your party and it may snow on your birthday but lets deal with that then when the time comes. So many talks and so much comfort and sleepless nights.

I think my child will burn out before she turns 7 years old with all the possibilities of her life. I don't want to say it's silly because I'm kinda concerned for her. She worries all the time and some of the stuff she comes up with I'm like oh, sweetie I feel your pain. It breaks my heart at times when she gets herself so upset over things. I understand worry because as a mother I worry all the time.

So I started doing a Calendar with my daughter and only do one month ahead. We write weekly of all the things we are doing for the week ahead. It has worked somewhat on keeping her from future worries. I'm trying to get her more excited then scared. It has eased her a little and she's not asking of things much and more excited of what's ahead in the week then when she's 10 years old or what's going to happen when she's in second grade. I told her it's okay to think ahead sometimes but life changes so when the time comes to ride the bus to school after the winter holidays we'll deal with the excitement then. I want to rein in her worry so it's a healthier experience for her.

I think the future scares her and she's like me in a way she has to know. She has to know of her control with no surprises. She wants to prepare so she's ready. All I can do is comfort her and not dismiss her feelings. Giving her other options seems to help her with her worry. She's just a beautiful soul and I feel bad she's going through this. I hope I'm making her feel important!!! Take care, Peace!!