So long 2010!!

Well it's the time of year to reflect on the old year past and look towards a New Year coming. My blues have gone. I'm not so emotionally unstable anymore. My relationship with God is a bumpy one at best but I'm slowing surrendering my control over to God but I'm not quite there yet. Maybe this year with be the year of salvation for me.

Well Christmas was wonderful and traumatic all wrapped up in one little package. My 3 year old son decided he wanted to go super fast while he was standing on a swivel computer chair which he fell off and bit threw his lower lip which we spent over 3 hours at the hospital getting him stitched up. The process of the experience was horrible watching your child screaming for the doctor to be done while he was strapped down on a board with needles being poked in his face, tubes pushed through his lip to clean out his wound. It was something I hope I never have to go through again. This happened in the evening so we still had a great morning and was able to visit the rest of the family. My poor boy was so tired after his stitches he curled up in his fathers arms and fell asleep.

Today of all days our son got his fingers caught in our bathroom door and got some skin ripped off his little fingers. He can't wait to start the New Year. The last week hasn't been nice to him.

All in all this year compared to years past wasn't so much on the shitty list. It's been a building year with my health getting better, the family going to church, getting more fellowship and the daughter starting Kindergarten, the son in his early intervention class and the hubby and I got to get away to our favorite spot Reno for a few days.  We are blessed and I'm wishing everyone a blessed 2011 and see you next year. Take care, Peace!!

Fun new toys!

I got an iPhone. I'm mobile!!! Have a great 2011!! Take care, Peace!!!

Bringing some cheer on a cold day!!

Who knew I just needed a new dress!! I love this dress and you can too at JC Penny's. Take care, Peace!!

The pain is too real!!

I'm on an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs lately and frankly I don't seem alarmed because I'm like this every year around this time. It could be lack of sun. The time of year just brings out the worst in me. I don't want drugs. I never want to put myself on prescription drugs again. If I have no choice like last week when I had a really bad sinus infection. I needed drugs for that. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind but then again I would be more concerned if I wasn't going through this.

I wasn't going to write about my struggles about dreaming about John but I feel like I should. I'm sure more people feel this way in the winter months then they want to share. I feel like if I don't talk about my struggles I can't be straight with myself. I know I got it easy. I know my life isn't that bad. I know I think I'm going crazy sometimes because thoughts have popped into my mind I wish they weren't there. My brain is on overdrive. I've been dreaming a lot about John lately. I know I said I wouldn't use names on my blog but you know what? I'm hoping if I just express to the universe I'm frustrated my thoughts will change.

My husband does come here to read  and at this point I really don't care. That's sad to me and it's not like I want to hurt him. It's not like I want him to know I've been having dreams of his friend who I had a small history with. This is who I am, broken with a past of self destruction and emotional sadness.

Today I was actually happy I have lost weight and I didn't fit into one of my favorite dresses. I was also not pleased because I think I can lose more weight. I need to work on this because it's alarming to think I could be falling into my pattern of my eating disorder. I try not to think about wanting to lose weight. I'm working on maintaining the size I'm at but I have to be honest I was actually happy I lost weight.

At this moment I weight 119lbs. My BMI is low to normal but I can fit into my size 4 jeans and in Canada that's a size 6 which is normal so I'm happy. Apart of me wishes I could be smaller. I just have to say it. I have to own my feelings. I have to knowledge my pain. I have to be honest with my thoughts. That's how I have to know what I need to work on. Having an eating disorder you need to be truthful with your thoughts because if you don't then life can be hard. I'm aware of my pain so now I'm talking about feeling happy I'm losing weight. It's out there now. I should be accountable for my actions.

It's not pretty seeing me self destruct this way. It's not pretty I wish harm on myself. It's not pretty!!  It's not right songs I love are being picked off one at a time being manipulated by bad dreams of self destruction. My safe haven is being tainted by self destruction and my downward spiral into darkness.

Sometimes I just want too fall into darkness. The pressure of living a clean life is hard. It's hard work and sometimes the work is not worth it. Sometimes I just want to just give in to living easy. I love this song hero. It meant something special to me. It was one song I could listen too and feel safe. Why does the most cherished songs have to be one of the songs of my fallen down a path of self pity and pain.

Please just let me be so I can heal and be saved. I want to be saved so I don't have to hurt anymore. Take care, Peace!!

When life throws you lemons... fight back!!

Two of my favorite singers. Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston. So I enjoy this song. I enjoy getting something out of it and it gives me hope. I feel like I'm just dragging on sometimes having more self pity parties then doing something to change the crap I feel that is dragging me down. It's time I just throw that crap away.

Church has helped me heal and it seems like I've been crying more the last few months but I need it. I need to heal and going to church has made me see what I need to let go. I need to let that burden go. I need to feel whole again. I need to stop feeling like I'm not worthy.

I'm all over the place emotionally and one of these days I'll get it. The sun will come out tomorrow. Until then I'll be soaking up songs like this one to remember what's important. Take care, Peace!!

Merry Christmas!!

When dreams smack you in the face!!

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I don't like that feeling like my dreams dictate my day. I was dreaming pretty good. I remember a lot of my dreams but sometimes they take a turn into reality I would rather not have to dream about certain things or someone. It bothers me and I would like to forget things in my life I'm not proud of doing. I would rather not remember and move on. Sometimes I'm not so lucky and my wonderful dreams take a turn and memories and situations come pouring out into my dreams and I wake up uneasy. I know they are just dreams but they still bother me. This morning I was dreaming about John and I just want him to get out of my head. I don't want to think about him when I'm awake or when I'm sleeping.

So this song Cheap Trick The Flame has been in my head all day. It's the song I had in my dream this morning and it was like a concert playing on continuous play that wouldn't stop.  Holy, please can this self destruction ever stop in my life. I can control my thoughts when I'm awake but in my dreams...come on now. It just sucks. I don't like when things I can't control affect my life and impacts my life in a negative way especially when John hasn't been apart of my life in 7 years.

I have moved on and maybe I shouldn't be so bothered by one stupid dream and maybe I have some guilt to deal with but it's like something I would rather not have to deal with and just forget it. I want to forget about it. I want to forget about him. I am happy or maybe I'm not but frankly I need too. It's been so long ago and it's in the past. Moving on!!

What really sucks about this situation I love Cheap Trick The Flame and now I just want it out of my head. Dreams suck....I'm so frustrated!! Take care, Peace!!

Those Crazy Days!!

It's my ..hum..cough..Birthday tomorrow and today a Tornado touched down in Oregon. My family doesn't live near where it hit but it freaked my kids out with the warning coming on during their TV time. We prepared and I got everything in the safest part of our house which is our half bath on our lower floor. I told the kids it's better to be prepared then not at all if something happens. We sat in the dark for about half an hour until my legs got tired of sitting so we turned to our normal lives.

I think I'll be sleeping with one of the kids tonight. I'm just saying!! Enjoy Nature and I think life is back to normal for now!!! Take care, Peace!!

Self Pity has left the building!!

I'm going to make the effort to not be let down by life. The last few weeks have been a drain on my soul. I was struggling to figure out things and old habits were creeping up that I had to challenge my being and I won. I wouldn't call it silly but the way I was behaving I really don't want to be like that. It's not who I am or want to be so I fought hard and I'm thinking clearer now.

The next few weeks are going to be magical and it's my job to make my children feel the wonderful feeling of giving then the whole commercializing aspect of Christmas. Simple yet special. My kids had a blast at Toys R Us this past weekend. They both picked out gifts for Toys for Tots with no tantrums of not getting any gifts for themselves. It was nice seeing their happy faces picking out gifts they wanted to donate and I was surprised of their choices.  It makes a mother proud. We're also doing other things this year I would talk about but that's between my family and God.

Life is good and I'm thinking clearly and feel good, not well but good. The warmth of love I'm surrounded by gives me hope we can survive anything. I'll rather be poor and happy then controlled with entitlements. Give because you want too not because you feel you have too!! Take care, Peace!!

Sometimes I just need strength!!

I've been feeling unsettled and sad. I maybe depressed I don't know. My heart is hurting and it's not settling with me. I need something to lift me up out of this chaos of my mental destruction. My brain goes places of self mutilation of my well being. I feel weak and defeated. I'm not supposed to be like this and I don't want to be like this so why am I feeling like I'm all alone?

I want to inspire and to be the one to lift other people up instead I'm having to pick myself up off the floor wrapped with my own tears. It's a struggle of my old life colliding with my new life. It just takes me all my strength not to go back to old habits of my obsessions with my eating disorder restricting my eating or binging. It's mind consuming to keep on the straight path.

Music has always been my blanket of comfort so I'm leaning on it more the last few days to get my head on straight. I've been listening to a lot of Christian Music and it has help some. I'm run down and its heartbreaking. I feel broken and lately I'm just at the brink of just putting my hands up and say that's it. I can't do this anymore and not caring is a lot less work than caring.

I feel like one big phony because in public I have a smile on my face and pretending nothing is wrong yet at the same time I feel like breaking down and crying because I'm not okay. I don't want to show weakness to the world and show I'm a fragile person on the edge of  falling off the cliff into emotional hell. It's the continuing voice in my brain over and over again....You are Not Worthy!! I am not worthy because I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm pretending to be this well rounded individual who has life on her shoulders but in reality I'm just going through the motions of getting by one day at a time pretending life is great. My image is a shattered self portrait of denial and self pity and if only I was skinny.

So I'm learning to embrace my life and accept it just the way it is to love myself in spite of my insecurities of my self destruction. I don't want to be pushed back into the darkness again. That kinda scares me. I just have to keep reminding myself what that life consisted of because I belong, I am love, and I'm worthy. Life will give you road blocks but it's what you do to push through the pain that matters. I'm pusing through and time will tell if I survived this road block in the journey I call my life.

The video I posted.... I love this song. It gives me hope. Take care, Peace!!